Sunday, 31 December 2017


I did think I would be offline for abut a week .. but that has not started yet.

Tired because of an Autistic child refuses to go to sleep until after midnight and I am alone so have to be awake until she is asleep.

Well now?

A 94 year old war veteran that says some pretty interesting as well as very nice things that I am partially relieved to hear .. or rather read.

Unfortunately .. it will take a lot more to relieve me and I am working on that .. I have emailed some organisations as I feel like a fish out of water, confused .. panicky .. having anxiety attacks and now having to move around an area I do not know, Wirral, when I used to get confused due to memory problems 250 miles away at my last home and known to me all my life, Enfield, Essex and East Hertfordshire.

In fact the mother of the daughter I currently live with close to I actually met in Hertford, though she is from the Wirral.

My anxiety is at incredible levels.

Self harming worse than I did last time, thank you so much Tory government!

I had hoped to generate my own help via three different methods ..

  • Patreon Account for me
  • GoFundMe Crowd Funding account, for my daughter as I am almost out of savings, they have annoyingly suspended again for a second reason I cannot fathom and have emailed them asking for an explanation and ..
  • JustGiving account for my daughter again because GoFundMe is blood annoying

Other methods are ..

  • Google Adsense advertising via blogs but they vanished a year ago .. no reasons given

But this war veteran?

How about these quotes from the Evolve Politics link below ..

If I were Prime Minster I would table a bill making it illegal for politicians and former politicians to be awarded because when the pavements of Britain are littered with homeless citizens, you were derelict in your duty to humanity. - Harry Leslie Smith via Twitter
And this comment on his statements by Evolve Politics ..

94 year old WWII Veteran and Twitter legend Harry Leslie Smith has just gone and absolutely nailed the glaringly unjust nature of Britain’s elitist honours system. - Evolve Politics


My great grandfather, one Reginald Kirlew, was a test pilot for Avro and the RAF and died test piloting the Avro Manchester .. they then gave up and the Avro Lancaster was born .. I often wonder what he would make of the country he died for if he could communicate with us?


It's getting to me far too much.

Thinking a lot about that .. off switch.

I just do not know who to talk to round these parts.

It looks worse than this now and it simply makes no sense to me .. but it works to relieve anxiety that is so bad it is painful.

EDIT: I understand how it works .. but it makes absolutely no sense to me that this fault exists to render you unable to do anything and to cause that much pain to yourself. It simply begs belief and not something I thought would EVER affect me.

Looks worse now .. right hand too but not as bad

Thursday, 28 December 2017


It is a series of stressful days.

What I am both waiting for and praying for is the finality of it and hope that it changes things as far as stress levels go.

Anxiety is a horrid thing .. if the levels are high enough. You do things that are no longer natural or make any sense. But they happen just the same.

What is annoying is not knowing things. You think an event is the source of your issues, plus my dropping savings that are sinking like a stone, but you do not know for sure.

I am tempted to make a big change myself .. to both relieve the stress, well two lots of stress actually, while getting my savings back up. But there is a stumbling block.

What is annoying is I have four months to do this but I am panicking about doing it now. It makes no sense.

But I will have to do something by the end of January 2018.

But that is if nothing happens in the meantime and I wish I had some sort of sign that something will but .. in my experience things simply do not work out. As both my sister and my daughter like to remind me.

I could email a few places to see if I can do it now or if I have to wait for certain .. documents to be returned.

This has not been done because I have been so ill. It has cocked up so many things it simply is not true!

So I have been waiting for the tide to turn on a number of fronts, well five to be exact.

If a month shows none of these working I am going to have to change the tide myself .. and do something I really do not want to do and lose something I not only really need but may become .. an absolute necessity before very long. But that latter part should be known by around mid January anyway. The results of a test .. except there is another that has already been performed and a possible third.

Damn these current day public services .. they are not fit for purpose even for the most vulnerable of society including children with disabilities.

It would be more humane to hand out arsenic pills or something that would kill you without any pain. Day after day, week after week and what looks like year after year of this sort of suffering is just the worst kind of treatment for another human being. Let alone hundreds of thousands of human beings.

Facebook just fills up with horror stories on a daily basis and it does this across a number of different pages too.

The wait is terribly torturous and has had a really negative effect on me in many different ways. I have to do something to buy me more time. Because others have found ways to take as long as they possibly can to save money .. while others that make bit strides and make some big sacrifices just keep on suffering as well as paying.

I thought there would be help .. I thought I heard offers of help from the social services but it turns out they are not helping. Only in certain circumstances and that now sounds like if my daughter gets ill from cancer. They will help her get the kids to school if she gets too ill.

Except she already has issues and a number of them is from having my disability of Fibromyalgia not to mention the cancer scares. There are other .. issues as well.

Two to be exact but I am not about to state what they are but one can be problematic.

I was disturbed to be told that she did not think she would make it to 40 years of age .. oddly I have doubts of making it into my fifties and I am 48!

I am currently waiting to see if the Venlafaxine knock me out the way they did yesterday. It was so strong in doing that I was completely out of it at the heart specialists and fighting to stay awake but was resting on the handle of my walking stick.

I nearly fell asleep as I was having the first scan .. before I had a 24 our monitor fitted.

So today I thought I would leave them, Amitriptyline too, until the evening a couple of hours befpre I normally go to sleep.

I am also hoping that by taking both at night I wont get one of those murderous mornings I recently posted about. Sometimes the feeling can pass after an hour or so but sometimes it persists al day long.

Fingers firmly crossed!


Going though hell .. this morning.

Got that ECG on and hit the button a few times from around 4.30am onward but just pain in region of heart I know is anxiety.

No heart palpitations, tightness or skipped beat feelings.

But then I noticed that when the anxiety is playing up .. the other stuff seems to stop or at least become a lot less frequent.

So all that testing was probably a waste of time unless something happens in the next four hours or so.

There is some stuff going on that is .. stressful. I would like to think that this anxiety will die down when it is over, fingers tightly crossed.

One more appointment to go with the hospital and I have to be back at the Doctors in ten days .. nine days.

I am not happy I have Venlafaxine again .. I recall missing a couple of days and it put me on my back .. I had forgotten to take them and even back then my memory was an issue and I did not pick up on it. We are talking around twelve years ago now I had that.

But I am so desperate to stop this that I am taking it again. But this will add to my lists of things to panic about.

Just like I told my GP none of this makes any sense to me .. why the brain is panicking about such stupid things.

I remember when I first saw my medical notes, that was how I found out, I was listed as having General Anxiety Disorder or GAD and when I read about it it stated that you can panic about little things. At first I did not think this was the case but when I thought about some of the things it did.

I still am coughing up green and yellow shit and that is something they want to look at but .. the way I feel right now .. it is difficult to get around to sorting that out.

I mean to speak to reception about setting up my digital repeat prescription thing. I might have also meant to have spoken to them about these blood tests? I cannot recall how it is done or what I was meant to do?

It is majorly disruptive this memory issue and I do not seem to have made anyone realise just how much it is.

I have felt for a long time like I need someone. To help me remember things.

I did think it might be easier here because there is another adult around but she is forgetful too so there is no chance of that happening and things are much worse.

Living on my own I was bad enough. I had a mate who used to remind me of things from time to time but he obviously could not remind e of everything.

This things is really, really stupid and confusing as well as majorly torturous and the fact that I have this virus/infection tat has lasted for months seems to have only made things worse. How things could have gotten this bad for me I simply do not know and begs belief.

As for this virus or infection .. my ex wonders if I picked it up in the house, which I doubt. What I did say was that I had read only recently that my .. resistance to infections can be lowered and is one of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

So I guess I am still being let down.

The other thing is that I really need to return to my storage in London .. that really needs to be sorted out and the cost reduced or eliminated completely.

If my PIP gets reinstated it will become less of an issue but it still needs to be done.

I have taken a second Diazepam pill and hope that calms things down a bi as the first did not work.

I was, as they say, monged-out yesterday afternoon and in the evening I fell asleep. Do mot recall much at all except my daughter appearing around 4am. Was feeling OK at the time but around thirty minutes later it all started.

Whether the evening was down to the Venlafaxine or not I do not know, I had taken Amitriptyline too for the first time in a while so could be that. I have to check whether or not I should take these in the morning or at night. I am thinking nights, because of the morning things so will go and check that out.

Wednesday, 27 December 2017


Jesus .. I feel .. strange.

This was after feeling really bad this morning and the Doctors called and asked me to go in within the hour.

I was feeling crap and the surgery not far so I walked .. or hobbled to be precise. Not that bad though because I don't do much walking. Not regularly anyway so it's easier when I do.

I was in begging mode .. didn't see the same Doctor as last time. This one was reserved. He seemed like an OK guy though.

He didn't seem to think I had the flu and thought it might be something else? Probably because of the amount of time I have had it?

I got some more Diazepam and he prescribed Venlafaxine, which was weird because Venlafaxine was prescribed some years ago but don't remember it doing much, other than done rotten withdrawal symptoms I had never had before on any other pill. Or maybe I have but didn't link them at the time or just can't remember?

Came back to the house and my ex was here, of forgotten that she was coming. Some deep cleaning was going on .. well a little.

She said she couldn't understand how bad it gets here and I said that is impossible. You can't keep anything tidy anywhere. Only for about thirty minutes and it looks the same.

I had a little trouble sorting out my pills before taking them. My ex didn't want me to do much, obviously realising or told I was at the Doctors.

She wanted me to go to the tip though but .. I'd just passed on driving due to hire I felt and had to hospital appointments within two hours.

It was kinda cold ... that miserable type cold temperature where it's just low enough to be bothersome.
At the hospital I had to concentrate hard because I wanted to pass out the whole time.

When I was being scanned I thought I was going to pass out??

Anyway had the monitor fitted, told what button to press in the event of an episode.

But upon returning I feel asleep. That's not like me to fall asleep during the day. But lack of sleep and over half a dozen pills probably had an effect on me.

The worry now is .. shifting a lot of things about which is imminent and now told there's a time limit.
Bit awkward timing really, what with three appointments imminent.

I found out that more people closer to home are reading my blog which I did no expect nor have I had it happened in the past. Before I moved here that is.

The problem came from the posting to Facebook, which was going through my Twitter feed and have now turned off.


I decided to type this out even though I did not feel like it.

I had toilet issues last night, did not get much sleep and woke up with stomach pains and ended up in the toilet .. again .. for an hour. I have to go to two hospital appointments today and try and get a hole of the Doctors Surgery.

I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn't. I have felt like .. well I feel like I am dying.

My chest is playing up, my anxiety is playing up .. like bloody hell and I feel rotten from still having this flu.

Normally I would not attend a GP Surgery or a hospital with the flu but .. this is killing me and has dogged me now for three months.

This just is not right.

So I am going to beg the hospital to help me .. because I really feel like I am at death's door .. I really thought my number was up a little earlier and I just wanted it to happen. It is so annoying when you get this low a feeling with as much discomfort and anxiety as this and your body just wont give up. Die in other words.

My heart is pounding through my chest which is odd because in my second appointment I am to have an ECG fitted for 24 hours.

I do not know what the first appointment is for but it will involve some begging.

I did also manage to get a hold of my GP Surgery, after screwing things up last week by not knowing what day it was as per usual.

When I did ring the surgery I was a bit confused, not familiar with their answering messages anyway not being here that long.

The Doctor is going to ring me today but I did warn them I was in the hospital at 2pm. I asked them to make a note of that .. hopefully they wont ring me when I am there and I miss the damned call .. making a second mistake inside of a week!

I am out of some of my pills, you see. Most importantly the Propranalol and Diazepam as despite some others stopping me from dying early .. the statins for my cholesterol and blood pressure pills .. it is the anxiety and absolute dread long with the chest pains, heart palpitations and the feeling if skipped heart beats that are primary to me right now.

I also do not feel safe enough to drive so I am going to walk to the hospital with my trusty stick. Unless something changes between now 9.47am and 1.15pm when I have to leave.

As I stated previously I seem to have had a third appointment made for me for the 4th or 5th January, cannot recall as usual, and not sure what that is about either.

It is a shame that one of my plans did not start to work .. it would have prevented these horrid feelings from taking place but then the same could be said of two public services, the NHS and DWP and now I am at the point where begging is going to be used.

I am praying that a working pill is provided that can deal with the stronger attacks .. but it may be that I need some sort of shock treatment on my heart, I think that is what someone mentioned?

cardioversion or catheter ablation, or surgery - British Heart Foundation

So those are the .. things mentioned though it did also state a pill too.

I am secretly hoping that the levels of anxiety are being caused by the irregular heartbeat and that any pill or procedure will cure it?

If they had found this, or indeed I had spotted it on my blood pressure monitor, they could have sorted this before I moved here. That could have saved me a whole heap of pain and suffering and allowed me to help more with those I came to help.

This .. bloody .. country.

Everything I have ever done seems to have outside things go wrong to screw things up i the worst possible way.

Even the IT market crash just as I got my Degree .. where I was living with a woman who had a history of beating up boyfriends who then continued that tradition with me. Only found out about her history AFTER I left her in Bristol and her sister, till on my Facebook today, told me about it after she told me she was shocked that I had left.

Oddly enough as i was explaining to my daughter .. that is when the Fibromyalgia I already had without being aware of it really kicked in.

A week after I returned to London my feet started to hurt .. well the right foot started to hurt as I was trying to get somewhere. This continued on and I started to ask Doctors about it. Different parts of my feet started to get affected and eventually the other foot become affected.

As it turned out and after 13 years of asking ad with more symptoms cropping up to add to the tally from time to time I self diagnosed it before having it confirmed at Guy's Hospital. Then as I read about the condition I realised I had been affected by it for around a decade before it affected my feet.

After a horrific event, cannot even remember what it was, the anxiety thing started up. This just kept returning over sometimes stupid things and sometimes without any reason at all.

I so want to plunge a knife deep into my chest it begs belief and I find that so strange .. how can one be suffering so bad that they feel like they want to do that?!

The only thing preventing me from doing that is the fact that I am not alone and am supposed to be helping others.

But the strangeness of my surrounding area along with the fact that I am well aware that my memory can have me confused is making things worse, I have no doubt.

I am even terrified of getting to the hospital on foot .. in case I get confused and .. lost! How stupid is that?!

While back in Enfield I even got confused with places that were familiar to me. Once I even ended up on the wrong side of town and thought "What am I doing here?! I should be several miles away!"

I used to learn areas so fast years go and I have been here previously, been here for three months and feel like I barely know anywhere.

My daughter bought me a diary as a Christmas present because eve she has noticed my bad memory and asks me days after I should have done something whether I have done it or not!

She has the same symptoms, that much I have noticed. But she is not as bad as me and of course she knows this area and grew up in it. But she still gets panic attacks over things .. like her domestic abuser talking like he is getting out of prison for instance.

Tuesday, 26 December 2017


My daughter got a phone-call tonight.

This was a it weird as most people she knew had been at the house at some point, her two step-brothers, mother and grandmother as I explained in a recent post. Her two friends, a couple, tha normally come once a week for a bit of a drink and the lady I like next door.

I thought it was a phone-call from a certain prison inmate .. again?

The lady next door is kind of nice .. no, really nice to my mind. She seems and sounds intelligent and is as cute as hell.

But .. she has had some rotten luck. Really .. rotten luck.

Well the other night she asked my daughter in for a drink. In fcat it had been a tough day for my daughter and may have been the day after her mother let her down with looking after just one child. The most problematic child, granted, but just the one child nevertheless.

There are three more children and two of them are problematic and one is heading for puberty. It was another example of the grandmother attempting to play something down and after failing to cope for even a whole night, returning the child on or just prior to midnight, she then went on a lecture within two days about how to control these children.

One does not need much controlling .. though he is rapidly heading for puberty. Yeah .. that does not bear thinking about what with the other three. Puberty is a bit of a lottery really .. you never quite know what I is your going to get.

He has always been a quiet kid and oh my God I have just seen the bloody time! I thought it was bout 10am and I have just had needy-boy calling out for mum because he wants a drink because his mouth is dry?! Yeah it is a lie he copies form his mother ho says it because she gets a dry mouth and is a result of her Fibromyalgia. Even I have to put up with a mouth full of tap water on occasion.

My daughter said she would be an hour but was back after about five or ten minutes and said ..

“Dad, you will never believe what she just asked me?! 'Hey, is your Dad single by any chance?”

Almost bizarrely when she was there the other night she was making wavoes about the authorities, said that Sophie was being neglected ad treated like shit and was going to go down there and give them hell. My daughter simply said “My God, you sound like my Dad!”


I am putting Family Guy and American Dad on and carrying on with this one tomorrow!

Oh dear!

Boxing Day morning starts with an awkward question .. which came from something that was .. very embarrassing and then something that made us bloody angry.

Yeah so our heads are spinning.

I also have to be careful what I say. Lol.

First off it would seem that my daughter read my blog post yesterday .. or rather someone else did while she listened.

I was asked if I was going back to London in January?!


I was told to answer honestly but that is what I always do, despite what early readers might think with some of the claims I have made.

Oh I have had to stop three times for children already. Was going to try and continue this tonight to begin with .. but after clearing up .. picking some baked in .. umm .. something, paint or play-doh out of the carpet, throwing some stuff away and a vacuum there was a bit of a lull. Silly me and now someone is screaming about something and I have had to hit play on a portable DVD player that has Frozen playing.

As far as the claims I have made .. I am afraid that over the next few weeks your going to find out the hard way that I am always right and as always it will be at out expense, though more specifically my expense if it goes the way I think it will.

It starts of by stating that we have spies in our midst .. and not the sort of spies that I was embroiled with in the past nor the ones that wanted to speak to me regarding employment. Different kinds of spies.

This came about when we had a Christmas Tree in our window described to us and I tried to play it down by stating that Christmas Trees were generally green, white or silver with a few exceptions.

Seven times I have now stopped .. make that eight though two of those were for an adult. Now I have older one hovering around for things he should have kept track of. But then this is an exceptional house with more than one exceptional child.

Yeah so I had to explain myself and my fears ..

It seems I am doing a bit more than just the job of a rusty third wheel .. but the I am not sure about the wheels themselves.

Something to work on.

So that explained why she was a little quiet. Also she did not get in the house until around 7am to 8am and so not had a great deal of sleep.

Then as I explained myself and we started to talk about things it turned out that she had seen my very recent blog post while she was with someone. Someone I had recently referred to as 'cute'. Yeah my face must have been a picture when I found out that she had read that too! Ooh boy! Lol.

But that was not the 'coup de grace' so to speak. Though there is nothing merciful about this.

A phone-call was received outside of the room I am now sitting in and my daughter came in and looked .. well, pissed!

She went off on one, dropped her phone on the floor .. said basically I was right about allegations I made about all the public services and them being incompetent, liars and despite how they speak in the news media do not give a flying feck about the general public .. only their careers.

Something that needs to change .. seriously fast if the are to prevent a revolution from taking place down the line!

The phone-call came from prison .. and a cocky domestic abuser .. ooh wait .. domestic abuser .. yes so .. he phoned from prison with .. an unusually cocky attitude. After all the times we have reported him calling us and the way that he talks as if nothing has changed .. like he will get out of prison and come straight back here and carry on where he left off. Bit of trouble what with me standing in the way. But then I was convinced this would never happen. 'A Historical Court Case' they called it with follow ups like 'He will spend ten years in prison' and ' then get deported'.

In his cocky attitude .. which was different he then calmly stated that the Police were dropping some of the charges as there was not enough evidence before stating “I told you I would win!”

Of course the mother was not able to be reached on the phone as per usual and was supposed to take some stuff over to the new house today .. but bailed, promising to do it first thing tomorrow and .. not much of a reaction to the phone-call an claim other than stating “It was probably bullshit just to scare you?” But even I know this unheard of cocky attitude meant something .. I was also asked by one of his compatriots the other day when and where we were moving?! That is the second time I have been asked that by the same man since I have been here.

It seems I am destined to put this particular community on the face of the nationwide news media map .. except they are as corrupt as they come so .. who knows?

My daughter started packing .. cleaning to which I then started helping and in her panic decided to pack every single Christmas decoration away .. 11 days early!

So among many things needy-boy got a Nintendo DS to keep him quiet, which is hard to do, the older autistic girl got a neat gift of a cheap DVD portable player and Frozen to keep her quiet which unfortunately many of these toys made the youngest one .. louder. Because of Frozen mostly. Except the older autistic girl has this habit of pressing buttons. Even when she has on what she wants on TV and has no idea what 99% of the buttons do on the TV or DVD remote .. she ends up pressing them and turning off that which she wanted and then complains about it. Head scartching stuff I am .. just mind-boggled at.

I told my daughter after watching her switch off the portable DVD three times in thirty minutes “Do you realise she has not watched Frozen all the way through once on that? Probably not even half way through without turning it off?” and she gave me a look and just nodded.

Not serving the purpose for which it was intended. Focus.

Yesterday a friend who was visiting walked into the living room and despite having seen this before and heard it before he said “You know your fridge door is wide open?!” Yeah .. that happens several times a day. All four of them but at least the older one closes the door.

Needy-boy was also sick and by that I mean … throwing up .. and he looked at me and I said “You know what that is? Far too many sweats I am afraid and that is what happens” to which he then started crying. He vomited into a bag for a bit and five minutes later was asking for food?!

Don't know about anyone else but if I am sick to the point of throwing up .. I cannot go anywhere near food for at least 12 hours and anywhere up to 24!

Remember this is Boxing Day morning! MORNING!

Thank you Police .. thank you local councils .. and thank you DWP! There are probably some others worth mentioning ..ooh the NHS of course.

One of the worst cases of endangerment, harassment, health issues which includes several cases of disability you can possibly imagine. It also has the potential to end very badly .. and prison for someone that wont deserve it, me, and very possibly fatal to several people including children.

Did I mention it was Boxing Day morning?!

So .. an awkward conversation from a scared daughter that thought I might desert her and my surprise that she might see it as me deserting her.

As I stated to her .. there was no way that I would go anywhere at all until I knew she was OK and the kids too in every way. Health wise, threats and everything else.

I also told her that this was only though fear, as my plans to help her, the children and support myself so that I could remain here were .. not going according to plan.

Then there is the fact that I am tired a great deal of the time and that familiarity is all that it comes down to. But that it is annoying because London is nothing like the pace it used to be years ago but that .. I feel like there is little there for me anyway. But that it is the areas that I am familiar with and that I know where as here and being alone now I really do not know the area. With my short term memory issues I will take a long time too. Unless I had someone to drive me around for a change that is.

I did reassure her but stating that on the contact sites I am on I do not look at anyone in London and only in this area .. well up to around 70 miles of where I am now seated. Wirral, Liverpool, Manchester but I mainy go for Cheshire and North Wales.

I should have held out for a countryside setting. That I would find a lot easier .. fewer people around and not near Birkenhead Town Centre so much. Only because of scars that an ex left with me.

I did also say that I had thought there might be a chance I might meet someone up here that would make things .. easier for me. Little did I know how much I would need that as things turned out to be worse than I expected and .. appear to be getting worse.

I am used to being on my own but here it is .. different. Only because of all of the failed public services that have made life for several of others, and tens if not hundreds of thousands of others .. a living nightmare.

Hmm I just recalled .. I did think about looking for local .. clubs to join, like Astronomy, wildlife, Orchids and the like. All the sciences I am into.

However .. being on my own a very long time makes .. not being on my own a little bit tricky but .. at least I am getting in some serious training here.

But as I told my daughter previously and will again tonight .. if I found someone who was nice, honest, sincere, intelligent and that wants to know and learn about things and had similar interests and even wanted to come out on my photo shoots, if I ever get to go on them .. then this would be like a dream come true I NEVER thought I would EVER realise or experience.

I often think that I would be lucky to be alive ten years from now. So not sure just how long any possible happiness would last.

Never really had much of any happiness in all honesty .. from devious ex-girlfriends to ones that were almost perfect apart from attacking me regularly.

In fact here is a but of a funny tale to go with the girlfriend who liked attacking me..

Her nephews and niece .. plus her sister see me as the one that got away and are still on my Facebook friends list today . Now with children of their own! They do not have much, if anything, to do with my former girlfriend. Turns out my daughter always thought I was calling her .. stopped by a phone-call, Korean. What I referred to her as is 'The Career Girl'. She made me do a search and it seems like she is a company director now. Does not surprise me. I just hope she did not have any kids as she was somewhat .. heavy handed and violent. God help anyone working below her but then .. maybe she changed?

Oddly for about a day or two I thought she and a friend of my daughter's had the same name but it turns out they are slightly different.

Also it seems that much of my blog has been gone through and my YouTube channels, including some old embarrassing ones I had planned to delete when the numbers built up and am now regretting.

My beard keeps getting unintentionally long but maybe it can save me from any blushes?

Yeah .. ahem .. I am at a disadvantage now. A funny one but an embarrassing one, lol.

Still .. now I also have a dangerous one too and suddenly .. oops .. stopped for a few hours .. friends and now a night out, not for me though, lol.

Oh and needy-boy has just ran in and said “My Nintendo DS has ran out” which might have something to do with the fact that he was running around with a friend of his, visiting friend's daughter, and not actually playing it while leaving it switched on when he did not even let it recharge fully earlier .. oh well .. thought it was just Autistic children that had no concept of time? The one that is three and Autistic along with the other at two lack this concept. But this one is five and not Autistic. I have to wonder whether some things are rubbing off on is younger siblings or .. he is just five and that is what they do?

I would like to think that going back to school things will ease of for me but the issue is that they all do not go to school yet. One only in nursery and even then not every day. She does not like it either and plays up something terrible when she figures out where we are going. At least she is the only one.

Next year she goes to pre-school but even then its only for a couple of hours in the morning. But .. at least then the older one is in full tie school. That means that by then my days will be free to do as I wish. With a camera with any luck!

Ooh now I am imagining what it would be like to have a partner that comes with me on camera shoots, happy to sit there in a spot for between one and four hours fascinated by wildlife and/or landscapes.

Ooh now that embarrassing and up and coming moment? Well that should be .. interesting .. also .. need to kind of .. tidy myself up just a tad and not for the damned hospital tomorrow .. they can go and spin!

Ooh .. would be nice to have a new text buddy and someone that I can actually talk to that is not over two hundred miles away?!


It have a big post coming ..

But in the meantime I've been gabbing on ..

It's a good alternative to Twitter who along with others are crushing free speech unless it fits their own narratives.

I don't know if many use it but I've tried to keep things short and sweet .. being philosophical clashes with my very nature and attitude .. being profound is not something I have ever been associated with.

So being philosophical or profound?

The are more .. there will be more ..

.. every single one of them mine.

Monday, 25 December 2017


As I stated before I do not like plastering children's faces on the Internet.

However here is that family of mine in need of help over ..

  • Victims of Domestic Abuse and an Historical Court Case taking place in January 2018
  • Two of four Children more or less diagnosed with Autism .. several tests .. paediatrician left who take an inordinate amount of time for some reason
  • Discovery of mother having my disability of Fibromyalgia that sadly ad oddly ..
  • Has no less than THREE Cancer scares to get through
  • No or very little help from almost all authorities
    • Health Visitor OK
    • Social Worker OK but overworked and fails to turn up I believe at her bosses requests .. or tricks
    • Victim Support full of it
    • Family Support Worker turned up once .. seems OK not sure about his understanding of those involved
    • Police incompetent as per usual
    • Independent Review Officer (IRO) always going crazy about no one turning up (except health visitor) for something like eight children at-risk meetings .. keeps escalating complaint against Wirral Council but that is all that ever happens and fails herself to turn up once
    • Everyone fails to turn up save the health visitor who is by far the most regular attendee
  • I am here to help because I knew they would do very little
  • Did not expect to be here for three months and get no help myself either .. after ..
  • Being screwed up the rear by DWP over my disability and starting my own business with the help of Job Centre and their NEA at the thirteenth hour



Well to me.

I have some pictures of the kids .. well the backs of their heads as they walked into the living room and see their presents. Half of which I did not expect to work out of the box and the other half not working by the end of the day.

It has come close on both occasions and not quite through the day just yet.

It is about to be vacuumed in here for the third time today already and we still have a couple hours to go yet.

It was funny at one point when the grandmother and my ex, and great grandmother came with their presents. I had vacuumed .. I think? Maybe it was after she left? Cannot recall as per normal.

Just been told someone is getting in the bath because they are tired. I am not surprised in the least.

It was good seeing the kids excited but .. there is so much work .. on yeah?

So the grandmother was around and was picking things up off the floor ad she said "God, I am glad I don't have to do this anymore!"

I thought to myself "My God, you have been in here 5 minutes, complaining about the state of the floor .. stating that your glad you do not have to do it anymore and I have been here for getting on for three months, heart and chest issues and now one hell of a anxiety ride to boot!"

They handed me a load of toys to unpack and get working when I am stressed out and tired beyond belief, having anxiety attacks and .. still have this damn Aussie flu virus. That was the second time I had been handed stuff. Some robotic toys were bought from Home & Bargains I told them not to bother with because they will be fiddly, complicated and probably wont work. I had already put together a few things when I got lumbered with that one. Prior to the grandmother arriving. One that the council now does not trust. Which is why I came .. because of someone else as per usual and so often happened in the past.

An end grommit to a shaft for a motor would not fit out of the dozes of pieces that it contained within the confines of its box. During trying to figure this out I was then asked to perform two or three other tasks by the same boy I was trying to do this for. It was insane and there are three other children!

Oh god .. I have just been given another one and this one is a car where the first one was a windmill and I think my brain is going to melt, I really, really do.

I spent all day putting on a brave face but due to the anxiety and chest issues playing up and this damned flu I just kept telling myself .. I cannot do this!

I might have to return by the end of January of things do not pick up, up here in the financial part as I am just haemorrhaging money, more slowly than before but still haemorrhaging money.

I just cannot keep it together and I cannot even retreat to my flat and even if I could .. the anxiety now would just drive me insane.

I am feeling guilty because I do not think I am being a help here any longer and the help they need from me is simply not there anymore. My finances .. yes I could sell my car but if I do that I would end up stranded here and not know how in the hell to get back to London.

It is nowhere near how I pictured it would be and I am going to have to tell them that I feel inadequate .. tired and finding keeping on top of my own health a problem.

This business with the cancer scare just seems to drag on and on as does the business with the children being diagnosed. Well life and health issues do not put themselves on hold until public services sort themselves out and nor do they start when the public services say that they start.

Of course there were fights .. but I am told that is how it is.

I am .. stuck when someone says that because I just do not know. Though I did have younger brothers and a sister and I do not recall it being like this. I had friends with children and do not recall seeing or hearing any stories of it being quite like this.

Never heard of a living room that had to be vacuumed three times in one day either.

Maybe I am just not used to it? Maybe I am just getting old?

Maybe I am breaking the rules of my own health condition when it states that I should not be over doing it? I am also not getting light exercise as my bike is back in London?

Maybe it is a combination of some or all of the above?

Added to this is this damned flu which has hung on and hung on. I am not missing those hospital appointments .. of that I am decided. I have been messed about for far too long about things that should have been checked over a year ago. There is an argument that maybe it should have been long before even that?

The difficulty with he children was not expected and as I stated it has gotten worse since I have been here.

But despite the fact I have thought about going home a great deal .. I always feel guilty about it. But I have tried to get help in all manner of ways but it just has not started to happen.

I figure that if it has not shown any sign of anything positive happening by the end of January then it never will. In which case instead of waiting until it is too late and having to require someone else's help I should plan my return. There will only be a couple of months left on my tenancy anyway by the end of January. I had been told that the landlord had found someone interested in the flat anyway .. bloody typical as I had been told it had been empty with no interest in renting or buying t in six months .. as soon as I am there .. in a matter of a few weeks someone is supposed to show interest in the place?

This is an area where places can go empty for long periods of time, that much is true.

The cooker also id not work and a very nice neighbour, rather cute too, offered for us to use her oven to cook the turkey so there I was in the front garden .. trying to get a defiant autistic two year old to stay in the house while just cooked and piping hot food was passed over to me a but at a time and I ferried it to the dining room. The turkey itself, pork jackets, sausage jackets, flak jackets or whatever they are called along with some roast potatoes and parsnips.

Ooh I must upload the pictures from my phone and upload them to my crowd funding.

Was thinking that maybe every one doubted the validity of the crowd funding campaigns .. what with their being no pictures of children .. or only an old one on one of the campaigns? Stick one or two on for a month and see how that goes?

As for the myriad of presents .. yeah all cash converter and CEX stuff .. well a couple along with some naff things from Home & Bargains. One I could not get to work.

A few people will be gutted if I tell them I plan to return or am just thinking about it.

I am just really suffering, worrying about my evaporating finances, lack of help, flu and .. feeling like a third and rusty wheel right now.

Maybe that will change in time?

Fibromyalgia really turns into a bitch and then you discover no one gives a crap about it .. though ..

.. I was shocked to see that Lady Gaga had it and talked about it in her video Five Foot Two. He exact words were ..

"I do not know how anyone copes with this who has no money"

It was on Netflix .. my daughter put it on.

I must get back to my flat for a night or two and hope that the anxiety does not go wild on me like it did the last tie I tried to do that?

Sunday, 24 December 2017


That's what it will always be known to me as .. 'That Christmas'!

That's if I survive long enough to be able to reminisce that is.

Woke up and it's only Christmas Eve and I woke up with anxiety. My daughter was asleep on the other sofa but she said something strange when she woke up.

"You was having a fit when I woke up earlier" and I was confused and said "Eh?"

I was told I was shaking. Something to tell the hospital I guess. Whether it's connected to anything to do with my heart or chest I don't know. There is also the fact that I have been waking up almost every morning with anxiety and I wonder if it's connected to that but separate from the heart or indeed maybe connected in a different way?

As I said .. something very bizarre obviously goes on while in asleep because I wake up with anxiety before my conscious brain had even had a chance to process any worries or concerns.

Christ, in feeling it before I even realise I'm still 250 miles away from home!

It's just there.

Whenever I'm affected by it is always just there first thing in the morning.

But Fibromyalgia is the lack of a certain type of sleep .. a deep sleep where everything gets sorted, repaired and memories cleared out.

So maybe the brain is still going through the worries and so it reaches a tipping point after a certain amount of time?

Oddly my sister informed me not long ago that she gets something similar when she is stressed about something.

With me though it's always strong or over the top ridiculous.

There are always three things you absolutely pray for .. if you know your stuff ..

Sodium oxybate which is the only thing to deal with not just the anxiety but everything else to do with Fibromyalgia. This may also be the case with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome? Had that theory for a while now.

The second thing you pray for is to be given a drug that actually works on the anxiety. Nothing much has and presently Diazepam is used but has not been enough on occasions.

The third thing you pray for is death.

Yeah it can actually be that bad that you just want someone or something to flick the switch and turn it all off.

There are other things that can stop it.

The situation and sudden loss of finances while trying, or was planning to, work my backside off, started the situation off.

Now this has three chances of altering .. sorry, no four. But they are all up in the air right now and not looking to appear to be working just yet.

But I'd hoped that the developments would be enough to calm things down. The trouble is they do but it only ever seems to work for somewhere between a couple of hours to around a day or two.

I think the issues here is that the worry that they will not work out starts to creep back into your mind. This is subconsciously and nothing you can do about it.

It's become clear to me over the years that the interior of the brain is a very delicate and potentially hazardous and painful playground.

The brain is the nerve centre of everything and is where pain is processed.

When people first started to realise that there wasn't anything wrong with the feet or other parts I experience pain they would have the attitude "Oh well there's nothing wrong then?!" Where I would then point out that the was and that when their for hurts is the brain they processes it. If it's doing this wrong then it doesn't matter if your foot or feet actually have anything wrong or not .. the end result is exactly the same. The pain is the same.

At first they would look confused until I explained .. slowly that they might rub their foot in pain but the signals are received in your head. If your brain is receiving the signals then it's receiving the signals whether these are correct signals or false signals.

It's like the opposite of those stories you hear about people who are drunk and walk home with a broken limb without realising it. Those signals were not being received our dumbed-down because of the alcohol.

In fact I've wondered often if alcoholics are people that had conditions that were not correctly diagnosed or sorted by the NHS? It would be bloody typical of their attitude of this turned out to be the case years later.

I've thought about different drugs to stop feeling like I do. Mostly I always tell myself to hold out before trying drugs or thinking about suicide.

But there is only so long you can last. There is only so long anyone can put up with this. No one is impervious.

I'm low or out of diazepam and am tempted to look .. memory issues see? Can never remember what I've got of anything. There aren't many, that's for sure. Some pills I'm missing completely though there may be some at my flat I've not been able to get back to? I'll try to do that.

But in three days I have a hospital appointment for some tests and I have to be sure not to take any diazepam that day. I actually need my chest issues to play up .. which they should. They do most days. Well .. since I've been here they have. Well .. since I realised I was going to be missing around £3,000 to £5,000 in money I was expecting. I really do wish I'd known that one! Or hadn't had £35,000 stolen from me because I wouldn't have ended up feeling like this.

One of my family has been told to report the inheritance theft to the Police and maybe they will and maybe something will be done about it?

But it's a shot in the dark and not about to happen anytime soon. I don't expect anything to come from it, if I did I wouldn't feel like I do.

Same applies to my PIP being reinstated though that would be quicker it's still a month or two away.
So you still need something in the interim and a plan in case it doesn't work out.

Then there's the carer idea which was why I came here.

It was obvious that my daughter had some of my Fibromyalgia symptoms and they just kept on coming. The feet being affected is one of the few that she doesn't have.

She got home with a panic attack just two days ago.

Now she spent last night talking to a nice lady that lives next door. She had been through she pretty horrid things, used to be a teacher and had a little girl in a bad way. She also seems a little different from the norm around here. Polite, reserved and well spoken.

I was told last night and still need to ask what was said but she went mad when she heard about the situation.

Now in not sure how she is going to do it, what with her own issues and vulnerable child, but she said that she was going to go down to the .. well, council I presume and get them to sort out this bare house for her and help her move home.

It's been a secret panic of mine but I've not mentioned it to anyone.

I also don't really have anyone to talk to, visit our even anywhere I can escape to, to take my mind off things. The flat doesn't work because I'm alone with my new found fears.

The three cancer scared, the Fibromyalgia, two cases of Autism from four, puberty and a house nowhere near suitable.

Then there are my heart issues and my blood pressure issues which are running riot lately.

My father died at 56 and it's clear now that it was blood pressure related. A burst aneurysm and the blood pressure made worse by a certain large TV corporation setting him up to be something he wasn't. They knew it too.

But my symptoms are far beyond that of my father's prior to his death. My grandmother died of the same Fibromyalgia related thing and oddly her symptoms were similar to what I'm having now and have had for months.

There was one thing they had in common just prior to their deaths .. their legs, or more specifically lower legs bloating. A water retention type thing.

Every now and then I glance at my legs or had expect my trousers to feel unusually tight. If I do I won't have long, that much I can tell you.

My grandmother was supposed to die of heart failure and my father's aneurysm was near his heart and burst.

I've got my grandmother's leg issues and both their chest issues.

Plus I have a shed load of things that they didn't have .. at least I think?

So this is only Christmas Eve .. a bunch of stuff was opened and the room was a mess with trodden in biscuits, because they cannot take them out one at a time. Well some of them don't. Another one asked me to open another tin of biscuits four times and had already had a load of them given to him by his other. I guess he thought no one would notice that he had eaten most of them if he split the requests of tin opening among the two adults.

God knows what tomorrow is going to be like?

I normally use the cupboard under the stairs, not not in a Harry Potter like fashion .. to access things like my pills. But my daughter has not liked it being opened as it has been filled with Christmas presents. So I tend to wait until late and then I forget things. Especially at weekends and holidays when the kids are allowed to to stay up much later.

At the new house I might have a box room to use for as long as I am around anyway?

Along with the anxiety and worries I am praying I do not have a repeat of yesterday which was .. bloody horrendous. I have been worried about incidents like that since I have been here but though I had a couple .. yesterday was .. bad.

At least the new place .. of we ever manage to get in there .. somehow .. there will be two toilets so I do not have to worry if I have to die slowly in a toilet for several hours. Well .. other than .. dying in a toilet for several hours in pain.

Friends came over for half an hour .. turned out to be a couple of hours and a few drinks. Too many .. or rather the wrong drink for my daughter who had a strange chest pain and numbness down her arm who then disappeared as she went and laid down on the bathroom floor for ten minutes .. after taking an anti-histamine tablet. I thought they were just for hay-fever but then the hospital recently sent a letter prescribing them .. now I need to look them up. Told they are good for heart and chest problems .. be bloody great if they work.

I have told visitors here many, many times that people simply do not get it and therefore neither do the readers .. so do not get told by me .. how about a quote?

However, there is evidence that chronic pain and illness put patients at risk for suicide. An illness like fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome, which is often doubted or neglected by the medical community, the public, and sometimes family and friends, can present unique problems. Patients with FM/CFS can become victims of isolation and despair.

I also stated previously that I have believed for a long time now that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia Syndrome and Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome are linked and may well be the very same thing but at different levels?

How about a link mentioning all three?

One of these days many people are going to realise that I get things right a great deal and as near as damn it the rest of the time.

Due to the fact that antihistamines also can play a part in anxiety control I have come across some websites to do with .. anxiety and found some .. things .. organisations and I m going to try and contact some because this needs .. sorting!

Saturday, 23 December 2017


I told my eldest grandson that there was day I was dreading. It was the same day and two days ago now.

It was the last day the children were at school, although one of them is only in nursery and not been in a couple of weeks.

I have seen a deterioration since I have been here.

I have been expecting blow up of sorts and half expected to be rushed to hospital myself .. if I go between the 28th December and the 7th January without being rushed into hospital, appointment on the 4th January 2018 .. it will be nothing short of surprising.

I said there was a lack of help that I did not expect when I got here. Well it now appears to be worse that I thought.

The claims that the locals all help each other out around here are proving not to be the case, even the ones your related to.

A home move is supposed to take place in the coming days along with Christmas and a while bunch of hospital and Doctors appointments.

I have to take pills that stop complications that can have the effect of deterioration of my health and even premature death, though the latter I would welcome without pain. I have not only been missing those but have not gotten to the Doctors to have my blood pressure pills upped as ordered by the hospital .. that was only from the initial appointment out of four. Providing they do not add more appointments.

Well .. I have been ill too with this flu, though now my daughter has read about it in the Liverpool Echo local newspaper and the word is that it is the original 'Aussie Flu' I read about. I still bloody have it.

I also had not had a bath or shower in well over a week!! Might have been two with my short term memory problems? Things are just so hectic and with my memory problems and being stuck somewhere other than my flat where all my bath stuff and clothes are. I begs belief, even from me.

Each and every bloody time I end up not doing hat I need to do and because of three out of the four children.

Two autistic one and then a badly behaved and very loud, not to forget lying and crafty one, that drive you to distraction. And then some.

Yesterday was a chance to escape some of this with a family meal, though technically not my family, and some friends. I spent a few visit outside having a cigarette I so wish I could stop doing, dropping hints about the move. Nothing.

The two people I was look forward to seeing again, Alan and Linda, were not in attendance either.

Of course the older Autistic one did not sit still, complained about everything and as er usual was beaten by, not her younger Autistic sister, needy-boy. Just counting. Seven adults .. seven adults were in attendance and every single one of them told needy-boy to stop running around. I will let you take a guess as to whether he took any notice of anyone as all seven adults had told him this with many more than once. He was also the loudest and complaining that his food had not come yet! In an effing restaurant!

Older autistic one ea asked what she wanted for dinner .. “Ice cream!” Noo .. that is later .. what do you want for dinner?! “ICE CREAM!” and so the conversation went on.

Dinner arrives that she has eaten a hundred times and likes, fills the plate with a mountain of ketchup on her chips and onions rings .. pushes the dish away and says “Dun like it!!” which I have seen her trick beforehand when knows or thinks she will get what she originally wanted. Which was ice cream!

She flipped put upon returning to the house because she wanted ore ice cream.

Late that night a load of things were supposed to happen but did not and far too late we ended up playing Monopoly. Me, yung mum, eldest and needy-boy. Needy-boy the 5 year old performing because he wants to play Monopoly .. we ended up cheating and claiming he had to miss throws to speed things up as it was closing in on 1am. I had toothache I still have not sorted out yet. I also did not realise it was Friday .. even while at the family dinner I did not want to attend.

I did manage to have a shower and change my clothes .. something else that was just compounding my .. anxiety. As has the car but that is another story.

So it was getting late and I had this toothache and the one thing that I know is that if I do not get enough sleep .. I will suffer the following day and I am already run-down and have been for weeks now but seem to be getting to a tipping point. So I bailed out of the game which was taking too long, took some pain-killers and curled up on a sofa in the living room.

I awoke very early the next morning feeling .. not quite right and noticed someone was on the other couch. I did not realise it at the time and assumed it was my daughter and that need-boy and demanding devil-girl had hogged her bed yet again. But it turned out to be needy-boy, of course, with the idea of waking up on the couch making him feel like he is numero uno, he wants so desperately but cannot ever achieve with two younger and autistic sisters that are going to only get worse as they get older and bigger.

If the idea that these girls will only get worse and that there are two of them is not scary enough .. the fact that needy-boy will get bigger and more demanding has you just wanting to drop dead. Or leg it as far away as you can. We will see.

Suddenly I recall needing to use the loo .. stood up and almost fell over from nausea and as I walked cross a living room I had no plans on living in .. I had to lean against a wall to stop myself from going over altogether.

At some point there were stomach pains .. like trapped wind stomach pains that were pretty strong .. then I felt the need to vomit. Then before I knew it I had been in there for ages, was getting nervous about people waking up needing the loo at some point and suddenly bad diarrhoea, really bad diarrhoea.

The oddest thing was I had also spent an absolute age like I was passing out.

I had my tobacco on me so in these intermissions before things went bad again I would roll and then smoke a cigarette. Sometimes I had to place half of one on the radiator as things had gotten bad before I went into pain again. I was also still trying not to pass out especially so when I had a cigarette in my hands.

I had no key and so was worried about leaving the house in case the kids woke up and got out .. so that desperation to get to my own flat so I can suffer without being disturbed had t be quelled.

But after awhile I could hear the girls, who are shut in their own room for their own safety and our sanity, who eventually spoke quietly. So I thought mum was up and in a brief moment I thought I could finally escape the bathroom, then the house and get back to my flat. But upon coming down the stairs things were .. too quiet and the living room deserted. I was all over the place as I realised that everyone was still in bed .. I stood there momentarily before I then had to rush back upstairs to the toilet.

Yeah .. wouldn't have made it to the flat anyway.

Eventually I came out as everyone got up and though my initial toilet woes seem to be at an end .. others .. were not. I was still suffering and still trying not to pass out .. as I rolled a cigarette my daughter had requested and told her I was going to lie down for a bit on the eldest ones bed. One look at me and I was promised that the kids would be kept away from me.

It is 19.51 in the evening right now and I only found out twenty minutes ago that I was on the bed for 3 to 4 hours?! 'My bloody God!' I thought as I was told that.

The problem was that I was still not in the clear as I came around and was instead woken by a commotion. An argument was going on between the oldest and his mother that though I had predicted I did not expect for another 6 months at the very minimum but probably more like a year to 18 months.

The friction and stresses caused by the other three children, two autistic and one that thinks he is the centre of the universe stresses out all of us.

Though the cancer scares are only known and effect two of us.

The domestic violence seems to four of us like it is over and cannot return so once again .. that only affects the two of us.

The family that took my daughter away from me in the beginning? Yeah .. nowhere to be seen and the council has stated they do not trust one of them anyway. But then they an hardly talk because neither can they and they are only saying that because they sided with her, colluded with her and lost. In court too! Over and over.

The house was a complete mess .. there was excrement on the walls on the girl's bedroom, a tussle broke out between the oldest and his mother .. he had been placed in his room. I had gone downstairs and their was stuff all over the floor in the living room for the sixth time in 36 hours or so.

My had was still spinning, I was still nauseous .. I had been really ill, asleep for an unknown amount of time and wondering why I was not feeling as right as rain and wondered what the the feck had happened?!

All I could think is .. 'I can't do this!'

I had gone form the most boring existence on the face of the Earth while still having problems with health, pain and memory issues but still managing to try and make something of it. From that I had gone to the most hectic and one the most disastrous existences on the face of the Earth, short of a family all being murdered by a jealous and obsessive husband. Which itself still has it cards on the table.

As of this very moment a constant screaming can be heard from upstairs which is now a nightly thing and when I say 'screaming' I really do mean 'SCREAMING' and last night the mother was finally rewarded after two dozen refuses with a slap right across her face. The uber has now surpassed seven and when the door eventually closes you will get 30 minutes of that being screamed at the door and that will be followed by an hour of twanging the door handle and kicking the door. There is number eight. Oops nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve .. see how it goes?

After the eighth time I actually heard the answer of “Your NOT sleeping in my bed!”

Of course this was tried and failed. The demands for things just keep coming and as I stated before the slamming of a heavy chair against the bedroom floor comes when Cbeebies goes off.

Of course the other things is that the door is not locked and she does absolutely nothing that you ask her to .. quite the opposite in fact. Oddly enough her grandmother did that a lot with me and I told my daughter that when I remembered one day.

There is hyperpituitarism in the family too and I wondered if that kind of behaviour was down to that and that it has been combined with Autism making it appear to be turbocharged.

She would ask you for cereal and if there was two it did not matter which one you picked up .. every single time she would scream 'NO! The OTHER ONE!'

I came back from the shop earlier and they demanded sweets .. all three of them including the one that cannot string two words together. They know the words of the things they like .. or rather .. demand, that is for sure. I had told them I was not buying them sweets or chocolates as they had been naughty but would get them a drink .. to which they all said “ORANGE!”

I was only going out to get my daughter some pineapple juice because it was suggested to be mixed with the Midori Melon Liqueur. Well guess what .. no pineapple juice at all in either large cartons or small ones in either one of the two local shops. TWO .. local shops! Never been into a shop and not been able to get pineapple juice .. ever!

But I ended up getting some Freddo chocolates and went to get orang juice in small cartons and guess what? Yup .. no orange either! I thought 'this is going to go well' because I knew that one would play up. The one that has now stopped her screaming demands about sleeping in her mothers bed after thirty times ..

.. oh and now the domestic abuser is on the phone from Walton Prison!

I can see the reactions of the news media and the nation now when this family comes apart at the seams or members end up dead one way or another “Oooh what a shame .. if only someone knew .. someone could have done something about it .. anything to help!”

Funny .. because I made sure that they did .. over and over and over again, lol.

It is kind of my very final social experiment to show that everybody talks bullshit .. well almost everybody. My estimation would be 99 out of 100.

I need, by my estimation, a few thousand people to see that which I set up and the hope is that, or what that, it would be placed around by others.

Help with domestic abuse do they?

Help vulnerable children do they?

Help with cancer do they?

Help with vulnerable young mothers do they?

Help with Autistic children do they?!

Do the jobs they are well paid to do properly do they?!

Like FUCK do they!!

I am still certain that he got a friend on the outside of prison to sabotage a brand new tyre .. that has stayed inflated for two weeks, but had which has gone down once.

My daughtter doubts these ideas but I said .. “Brand new Pirelli tyres do not fail on a Land Rover, nor do the replacements decide to lose over 20psi one minute and then not go down the next!”

There is more to the car, which I am now considering selling but .. I would be buggered getting my stuff back to London. Or getting it up from London .. whichever I end up doing.

But presently .. once we are into January and if nothing positive starts to change I am going to have to go back. To London.

I am not Superman, more is the pity .. and I am helping everyone out, even those that I am not related to .. and nothing comes back from anywhere of anyone.

The domestic abuser is on the phone demanding to be told that his soon to be ex-wife loves him .. another thing that has been doing my head in. After the second time the Police got involved and there was a break these people have a system that makes a mockery of British prisons.

Thinhs are not heading in a good direction and I can tell you that form this the local councils, Police and .. prison services will all be finshed .. that is if one or any combination are not already done for as it is?

Because if you have been coming here long enough I predicted all this five years ago and I stated very clearly and confidently that is was absolutely everywhere and I stated to the news media that they only need look at the Police, local councils, GP Surgeries and Hospitals closest to them to find the lies, tricks and corruption that are ruining the lives of those they swore on oath to protect and have gotten pretty decent salaries for over the years out of everyone's taxes.

I never made that phone-call about my prescription medication, they knew I had memory issues, I was not aware that it was Friday and yet I never got a call back .. did I?!

I guess the GP Surgery staff and health professionals feel they are more important than those they are tasked to help? Never looks that way when they appear on TV does it? Oh they are show how they care and express their concerns and yet for the first time ever I am without prescription medication to prevent death or shortening of my life over the Christmas period!

Effing marvellous.

All because I am doing all of that others are supposed to be going and are not.

I will like to bet you that I am the only effing one that moves things to the new house?! I bet that there are no other friends, family members or authorities anywhere to be seen?

What annoys me is that I know that what I have done will be claimed as complacency and therefore my own fault.

Except I have explained it over and over and over again on here .. memory issues, pains, skin conditions, chest issues blood pressure issues, blacking out issues and many others before going from boring but peaceful to hectic and an effing war zone!

Everyone I am involved with is screwing me from behind while everyone y daughter is involved with is screwing her from behind and no one gives a flying crap .. as long as they can make it look as if they are 'doing something'.

Well I am here to show the truth.

Quite unfortunately for them.

I have not got a long, long list of conspiracy theories .. I have a long, long list of the truth and .. something that could be labelled a conspiracy theory does not mean that it is not true.

I would not be stupid enough to spend well over five years making such bold and wild claims on my blogs and across the Internet if there was never a chance they would ever get proved by either me or someone else.

TV News media excluded from that last paragraph quite deliberately so.

I have been feeling better since around 8pm and not as groggy or as nauseous as before and yet I still have a cough. Still been coughing up yellow, at least it is not green, crap though.

For weeks I have waited for a sign or number of signs .. getting my PIP back .. flu to go .. or crowd funding to at least show that there is someone out there somewhere with a heart. Even a few off 50p donations woud have given us both hope .. but we still await anything from any of those things.

Though I have to get back to my flat to see if there is a letter from the court .. get my old drivers licence, yeah effing still, and logbook and send them off.

Still I have a load of things to do and a lot of it is likely down to this damned Aussie flu!