Only occurred to me this morning to to start linking then into my blogs?!
Been a bit preoccupied with achieving something, you see?
Also the Internet is .. still .. down! Fourth day just as I was thinking of pushing this thing in preoccupied with. My highly revealing and damning personal story from my very last post.
I thought this was bad and then I saw a story about Muslim men that raped a young girl and then beat her to death in front of her mother?!
The picture was .. vomit inducing.
Corbyn and May seem to be in a competition to show the country how not to vote for them with Corbyn winning by a hair's breadth.
Those they call Corbynistas, or something, gong crazy calling a visit to the graves of Muslim terrorists false. Except Jeremy Corbyn admitted he was there in Munich but was not a participant?
Yup was obviously just strolling by on the way to his local Waitrose store for .. oh wait .. it was in Munich apparently?
Oh well .. they all seem hell bent in the west to piss of the white natives and seem to be doing too well a job of it.
Are they fucking stupid, utterly selfish or doing this intentionally? I honestly do not know yet but I am leaning towards the latter.
I have had some interesting .. connections that I will not go into at this present time, but rest assured that I will at some stage. Sometimes it is best to post things at a time when you think that they will have the best effects.
Now what seems to happen with people of celebrity, fame or politics is this ..
I kinda get involved in a stream
I sometimes get a like
That is normally followed by a follow
Which is sometimes followed by a conversation
Order sometimes a little different
Sometimes they just pop up out of nowhere and like or follow
Maybe I can work out who the decent ones are by using this method? I do tend to be sensible, not go into the realms of craziness, without mentioning that it sounds crazy, stay level headed and polite. Well .. mostly with the latter. No name calling or insults. Sarcasm and even then light.
Ooh care about children on foreign countries do we?
Care about children in foreign countries should we?
This government loves to talk about how much they care about individuals or groups of people around the rest of the world except they are completely unaware of where the starting lie is when it comes to charitable acts.
Now below is a link to a woman in Luton.
Repeated health assessments? But wait a minute, Tories and their idiot voters love to state that all this shit is to weed out the non-serious claimants?
So why did I now win then? Despite the obviously corrupt HMCTS stating that my medical records state that I have issues and manage to miss a connection that has been missed, or lied about to me, for the last four years?
But wait a minute? Sandra Burns was REPEATEDLY ASSESSED?!
So how come that HMCTS did not notice this when she had to keep appealing?
But wait a minute? How come she ended up in debt with everything over this? Surely if she won her appeals she should have been awarded all the money she was missing?
Ooh wait? They changed the law so that you cannot go back beyond a certain time when it comes to backdating, which is wrong and immoral and now they have things all tied up just as they have with all the Statute Of Limitations where we are now expected to be the fucking experts.
Sadly Sandra Burns had a traumatic time of it with the DWP and HMCTS as .. she is dead!
Surrounded by hounding letters from various energy suppliers threatening to cut her off and from the DWO obviously asking her to go for her tenth assessment or that she was having her money stopped once again from her tenth and obviously unnecessary and lying, cheating assessment?
Poor woman .. I know how she was feeling as I feel like that myself .. though I am not surrounded with hounding letters or letters threatening to cut me off, Chance would be a fine thing.
Make no mistake .. Britain is a vile, corrupt, evil place to live and filled with naive or amoral people that either could not care less or have their heads wither in the sand or the clouds.
And people will be stupid enough to ask me why I want to die?!
Well .. if they ever find out, that is? I have kept that fact quiet for the last couple of weeks, let it slip to one person on the phone and it seemed to slip by them. Perhaps they thought it was a figure of speech?
Oh no I did mention it to a friend. He asked why and I said that I had, had enough.
Oddly enough he has escaped scrutiny thus far when I and other people he knows in the same situation as him have all been screwed over. He always thought he was untouchable years ago .. refused to believe it when I said that in a few years time it would all be changing. "They wont come after me!" he insisted. Since then they went after a friend of his with the same Type 1 Diabetes and I think that made him stand up and take notice?
Bearing in mind people can say and think what they like but ..
Never stolen
Never committed a crime
Never hurt anyone, quite the opposite in fact
Never hurt an animal, quite the opposite in fact
Never sat on my backside and did nothing
But I know criminals that are treated way, way better than I am being treated .. burglars, drug addicts and even domestic abusers?!
I have been on a severe
anxiety low for a few days and added to this I have tried to find a
way out of my current predicament and I cannot.
In fact I only seem to
find more bad news that sends me further down. One that set me off
was that you cannot get benefits while being homeless .. which looks
kind of inevitable.
The symptoms are also
getting too much, unable to get my prescription pills has not helped.
This motion sickness type thing has even developed from feeling like
the train is falling when riding one to feeling like I am falling
each night when I get tired and close my eyes.
There are the usual
pains of my feet, back and shoulders though this has now been
accompanied by severe aching in my thigh muscles, which comes about
by way of a magnesium deficiency.
The NHS and consecutive
GPs have failed me time after time after time and I have had my known
facts and other suspicions confirmed. Report after report of the
government meddling and corrupting the NHS from Nurses through to GPs
and up to hospitals.
I am staying in a home
that is absolute torture .. bullied and stressed out all of the time
and now my anxiety has made me .. bed bound for a few days now.
My heart is either
feeling like a hand is on it squeezing it tight or my heartbeats are
beating out of my chest which feel really uncomfortable, when it is
not racing.
The one thing that is
probably happening that I do not feel is my blood pressure is up ..
but that might be about to change as I have gone of food. Which
matters not.
I do not have the guts,
quite obviously, to take my own life in many ways. So the fact I have
gone off food, something I have done before, makes it easy for me to
go on a type of hunger strike until the eventual and inevitable
happens.
Today someone is
calling me that will want me to go and stay somewhere for a few
nights .. a kind of suicide refuge .. place. But I do not know and
very much doubt if I can get there. I was in contact with them once
before and never managed to get there that time.
I have tried .. I have
tried to get out taking photographs for my Flickr account and have
been adding to my corruption, British Wildlife and A Feel for Photos
blogs so I have been trying. But like the refuge people said to me in
an email ..
“That is far too much
to take on”
All requests for help
all think that just talking about it, therefore talking you out of
it, are the answer and they are not. Not for many occasions. This is
fine if it purely on an emotional level but as I said to the
Samaritans .. sometimes only practical help will change anything.
My legal help has not
amounted to much either and I am going to have to email her too and
explain that I wont be able to get to the court hearing over my PIP!
Outside of my
inheritance which has all gone thanks to the public services seeing a
chance to save even more money .. everything else I have tried has
never worked out. Just look through this blog and it goes back six
years .. but then that was what I had intended. Because I thought
many things prior to starting my blogs and one was that nothing ever
works out. Despite the number of charities and help groups out there
.. when you go to them nothing gets done either. You just get fobbed
off or have these obstacles put in your place they expect you to
dance around. Often even the first thing you see on their websites is
a plea for people to donate money.
Then you get to the
stage that you want to curl up and die and it takes all your will
power just to get to the fucking lavatory and then they want you to
go her and go there .. which just ends up with the same results as al
the others .. so why bother? Done all that before .. gets you
nowhere.
Of course I have also
believed that there would be powers that would try to thwart me and
.. well that certainly seems to be the case.
I even had someone who
contacted me via a dating site .. who turned out to have .. gone
through the interview process for MI5, sent me a picture of a GCHQ
Puzzle Book, Cosmos book (I own the DVD set), Hawking's a Brief
History of Time (I also own), Sky At Night Magazines, quantum
mechanic books and .. one with a cover having Schroedinger's Cat on
it and Advanced Mathematics. Oh and one on biological warfare some
thought might have been a threat? It has been well known for years,
even my third girlfriend knew this one twenty years ago, that I was
into redheads. Take a guess at the hair colour of this woman? Red. Oh
and she also deleted her account a little after giving me her phone
number.
Now what does that all
sound like to you?
I have referred to this
before but I did not say too much about it because I was probably
never going to be sure and it could have been a trap. I publish the
recordings and her photo and .. well .. they could never be proved to
be of a clandestine organisation .. masquerade as a private
individual and I could have had my blog shut down. Yeah I was onto
that one pretty early but then I would never have published until I
was sure and that was unlikely to ever happen anyway.
That reminds me .. I
have to get the recordings of her off my phone and onto another
computer .. for someone else to publish at a later date.
In fact I suppose I am
going to have to think up other things I need to do other than the
ones I have already done?! I need to start making a list out.
Well it looks like they
will get their wish. I have had enough of all this and .. it will
take time but I am not playing this game any more. There will be the
odd post but in time .. or maybe sooner if I get the guts .. or
something sets me off to do it, this will be ending before very long.
I tried cutting my
wrists again but its just too damn difficult. Probably because I am
doing that too slowly? I am coming around to thinking that it has to
be a quick hard action?
Anyway .. there may be
the odd post .. and I will continue to link stories in here but there
are likely to be larger .. gaps between some posts.
I am going to lose
energy, no doubt, so that will be problematic along the way.
I may end up in this ..
refuge centre .. I am just unsure about that right now.
I cannot stop the pain
and the pain is too great. Just in my own personal life ..
.. then there are the
things I am going to have to endure watching before long .. my
daughter's cervical cancer, Fibromyalgia and blood clot, missed,
ignored and fecked up .. in that order. Added to this is severe
Autism being ignored in one granddaughter, severe seizures being
ignored in another granddaughter. All under an area where the
healthcare is already, or has previously been, listed as inadequate
they are now seriously trying to cover up.
I will continue to fight on here for as long as I can .. and am able.
Despite the fact that it's not going to be very long .. for once.
I have these .. all too fleeting periods. Periods where I'm not in several difficulties in one period or not a series of other difficulties in another.
One is where I'm very low and feel like my head and my heart are pulling apart at the seams. It's something very difficult to describe in all levels.
The other is where I'm .. angry .. at everything .. inside. Because I've been to those dark places during several separate periods for varying lengths of time. Angry with all those responsible for my predicament as well as those that make my predicament even harder. When they should know to be more supportive and not selfish, egotistical, jobs-worthy, blind and all manner of other things.
It's been the former for the majority of the last twenty four hours plus and I kind of thought it would have dissipated this morning. Not so far.
Then there are those fleeting .. periods. Periods that I want to remain in. But I struggle to and I'm not anywhere near close to right now. I normally try to do the things I think will get me outta my current situation. My current .. pressures. That's because this is the only way that I can see of achieving this.
But then there's the tiredness .. which makes it harder or impossible.
So it's body, head, heart and as well as all that they're is this good forsaken tiredness.
The body is several in just pain alone.
Head is .. several.
Heart is a couple.
I imagine seeing two pieces of leather strips together being pulled apart and the stitching unraveling because the pressure is too great.
I often think that if there was a God it would be far, far more humane if I was just struck by lightning. Put out of my never ending misery, so to speak.
Each time some organisation comes along and screws things up either directly or by not doing anything at all. It's weird, laughable and wildly annoying all at the same time. Then after awhile you manage to scrape or fight your way out of it with very little, can't think of any .. ever, or no help. But after varying amounts of time and often when you least expect it you end up back in that place again.
In the end you just start thinking, what's the point?
My own sister said something odd and .. kind of eye opening yesterday while talking on the phone. She was asking me what the current situation was with my daughter's cervical cancer when she said the following ..
"If I was to tell people everything that has happened to you and your daughter .. they simply wouldn't believe me"
That statement tells you more than you probably realise. Yes .. it states she thinks it's utterly incredible and unthinkable but ..
She refuses to tell anyone about us? Because she would be embarrassed? Because they would think that she was lying?!
She wants to try writing a blog about it all!
Then what you have left is people in possession of boxing gloves, spades, binoculars and over inflated egos.
Then chuck in loneliness along with memory problems and you can find yourself cowering in your room in the corner of your current bed. Hoping that your heart stops playing games with you and just .. stops.
Kind of what I'm doing right now and have been for twenty four hours.
A young mother dropped her son off to school .. then went into some woods and hung herself!
All because of Universal Credit and what the government think it can do to people and get away with it.
It's been doing this to people for seven years now and has got away with this over one hundred thousand times that they know about.
Yet every time there's so much of a whisper about it .. it then vanishes into the ether .. never to be heard of again.
So once again we have yet another case of manslaughter .. something that no one in the country would get away with once. Not when the culprit is so obvious, that is.
This has happened many tens of thousands of times so much that it's heading for hundreds of thousands of times. So where are the legal cases? This is human life we are talking about here! Steal money and the 747 full of bricks works be dropping them on your head. Take thousands of lives and there's always one hiding behind someone else and lane exist after lame excuse and news story buried under another news story.
Everything about the UK has become distasteful and despicable. Utterly disgusting and totally disgraceful.
It begs belief after begging for more belief.
I hope someone will be able to explain this to her son in years to come.
I simply would not be surprised in the least of a whole new breed of terrorist is spawned from these criminal acts sanctioned by the UK government?!
But then they probably know this and will be listening on everyone .. sorry .. sorry everybody with a brain ...focusing, as they already are listening on everyone, on everyone who had somebody die as a result of austerity measures.
Jesus .. I hope they have the manpower?! That's likely to be anywhere from one million to five million people and this is growing all the time!
I'm surprised I have anything left in the way of a forehead because I've facepalmed so much in the last ten years and it's increased in frequency the last two!
On the TV News? Nope .. again and I have a few more posts incoming and a ripping a new arsehole to the BBC at the end of it.
Notice they are always laughing and joking on the TV News channels? Unless they are talking of gender pay gaps of a few hundred thousand or a few million a year then they look and sound serious.
I am glad that in their little bubble worlds, so much for keeping one ear on the street and investigative journalism, everything is so perfect. A shame for the rest of us living in reality.
Well I have been trying
to get this one done for a few days now. But I have a sunny day
coming up, sorry sounds odd but it is my way of trying to avoid what
this post is primarily about.
Anyway .. mystery
person seems to have been deleted .. on a side note. That is as far
as that goes unless I hear something in the next four weeks.
So? Yeah I have wanted
to cover this for a few days now when I found out that someone
committed suicide. Turns out after hearing about this there was a lot
more to it.
A bridge not far from
where my flat is has has a spate of people throwing themselves off
it. One idiot reports in a tabloid that a man 'fell'?! Yeah .. from a
flyover that goes over a motorway. That was the second shock I got
out of the report .. of three. Turns out there have been quite a few
and that got me thinking ..
.. if this has
happened this many times on this one .. bridge .. how many people
have committed suicide across the entire UK ..
.. there are a
hell of a lot of bridges and even more in the way of flyovers on
motorways and even non-motorways. 'A' Roads and such?
I think someone is doing a hell of a lot of hiding of facts while
others are performing a hell of a lot of evasive manoeuvres?!
You might be asking yourself what the third shocking fact is about
this latest suicide? My grandson was coming along and was in a car
with my, evil, ex when the man fell. So much so that the Police
visited their home to get statements.
All I could think of was whether or not my grandson had seen anything
awful and hoped that he had not or was not enough to haunt or affect
him! Evil ex? Could not care less!
Ooh .. why do so many people get that saying wrong on the Internet
and especially on YouTube? 'I could NOT care less' is what it is but
people type 'I could care less' every SINGLE time I see it used and I
think 'DUMMY! If you COULD care less then you are obviously caring!
If you COULD NOT care less than you don't actually give a shit!'
Jesus .. the ones that come across as the smartest in the room that
get these kinds of old phrases back to front like this?!
The following man talked about killing himself a few hours before he
did it?! Fucking .. un .. believable and I am sad to say that .. I am
simply not surprised ..
I have had this myself .. just cast aside time after time after time
and I have known for some years that there have been a lot of people
died because of this .. because it is designed that way and in my
view ..
Death By Public Servant!
The man who .. 'fell' .. yeah he was just strolling over a bridge and
failed to see those banana skins tossed aside from the escaped group
of Colobus Monkeys from Chester Zoo!
One that was talked down by the Police and did not die .. at least
that day because no public service is actually interested in helping
anyone any more .. even vulnerable children which begs the question
.. why are you still paying their wages?!
How about .. detained? Well .. jumping form a motorway flyover will
most likely cause injury or even death to others .. not something I
would do. Ever ..
Unless I know Theresa May, George Osborne, David Cameron or Iain
Duncan-Smith was coming along and was confident I could tine things
just right?
Do not kill anyone's pets either! They may have lost a loved one ..
may be sufferers of mental health .. but then, hey? They do not give
a shot about anyone anyway .. as long as they are getting paid.
Except they are paid and tasked to give a shit, help, support and
many other things on their jobs and it is in their job descriptions
and their .. OATHS!
This following link is just one, proof here as well as my own, of one
way they are deliberately killing people .. so mass murder or serial
killing, known as culling by some ..
They would have the fucking cheek to claim that a revolution was
illegal .. when it is clear that successive governments and let us be
honest .. both of only two parties that will ever get elected into
power, have been up to this?!
Is there not a constitution? Is there nothing along these lines
contained within said constitution?
Ooh boy .. have I just been told something .. bizarre .. sad and
unfortunate but .. bizarre ..
Must be the worst morning. Left wrist looks worse than before and now the right wrist looks worse than the left.
Stings but then that's the point. Takes away from the pain in anxiety but only to an extent.
Worst possible nightmare you can imagine while everyone is still alive.
At least that's how it feels.
Funny my eyelids are getting heavy now, that's a first I'm normally wide awake from 4 or 5am onwards. But then maybe I released enough .. pressure? I doubt it. Not enough to go to sleep at any rate.
I just do not know who to talk to round these parts.
It looks worse than this now and it simply makes no sense to me .. but it works to relieve anxiety that is so bad it is painful.
EDIT: I understand how it works .. but it makes absolutely no sense to me that this fault exists to render you unable to do anything and to cause that much pain to yourself. It simply begs belief and not something I thought would EVER affect me.
These ends
might not be what you may well be picturing in your heads right now,
or maybe they are depending on how you searched to get to this page.
I have
spoken many times about my disability of Fibromyalgia and the number
of symptoms it causes. Man of these are unbearable and others
potentially dangerous. New ones have appeared that I believe to be
dangerous and have had me ask about having my feet amputated and
replaced with mechanical ones.
Others make
we want to die. Purely because they are both unbearable and .. simply
not dealt with or ignored. Until now but they are still not
understanding of the seriousness of the situation nor the backlash
should something go wrong. Even more annoyingly the one that has me
longing for death can be dealt with in any one of three ways. Two
involve the correct prescriptions with an understanding that my short
term memory problems are .. well, problematic and actually compound
the problem.
Another one
of those is the fact that I have been led down a garden path .. have
enough money to set myself up doing what it is I love best presently
and .. had the proverbial rug pulled from beneath me leaving me with
an ever shrinking amount of savings and minus four items .. one
100-400mm lens, though professionals use the more expensive f2.8
300mm lens and f4 500mm lens. The first would be enough and it is a
third of the price of the 300mm and sixth of the price of the 500mm.
The second is a flash, yeah I did not even manage to get that. The
third is a camera drone .. for cliff faces for sea birds and tree
tops for things like Purple Emperor Butterflies I have wanted to film
for a number of years now. These are challenges and I like challenges
and being successful then you tend to be more successful with it. I
also had to build a new PC to be able to edit the very high
definition RAW file photographs and 4K video. You simply cannot do it
with a budget built PC. I also wanted to have a go at making cages ..
out of glass and wood to sell to people wanting to grow Orchids,
something I am adept at. So I needed a couple of DeWalt items, a
Festool Circular Saw and a worktable.
I have a
dozen blogs and the camera would help most of them while the work
tools would help both my Orchid blog and my YouTube channel.
Right here
and ow there is another pause on all that and one I did not expect to
go on anywhere near as long as it has.
So I was led
down a garden path, got all my plans and purchases accepted week
after week for three months or more and then as I did them they all
got cancelled. So I was encouraged to spend the money and then was
told the proverbial rug had been pulled around a week after the date
I went self-employed.
I was
tricked and I was lied to.
A shame then
that they sent me emails all the way through and that I recorded
every single NEA meeting and every single Job Coach meeting.
I should not
be experiencing my anxiety. But I am. The day I received an email
from that Work & Pensions Select Committee I was happier. I had
also received my first Universal Credit payment too so that was
another worry out of the way. But there are still many others and
what is primary are the results to three tests, one due any time now
and a breast scan that is any day now too. Tomorrow or Friday I
believe. Then there is the stomach scan which is itself developing
some very odd problems and pains. Many seem to be similar to ones I
have had but not entirely sure on all of them. There was a pain being
felt last night.
As stated
previously and due to the problems with Autism there are four
children and two afflicted with the aforementioned condition.
Last night
there was a conversation in this house with the other of a single
child out of three that has Autism and he is violent. Even the Police
have been called to the house. The boy is eight.
Some
questions that has been wondered about were asked and I remember
someone stating that the children get worse and in all honesty .. it
is fucking hard to imagine things getting harder. The older of our
two with Autism is already a bloody nightmare and they tell us the
youngest o going to be worse. It simply does not bear thinking about.
We were
explaining that the older one goes into a meltdown now because she
wants to sleep in mum's bed every night. There is only one reason for
this .. her room gets locked and this does not happen with her mum's
room, therefore she knows she can come swanning down the stairs
several times and she does. Every night. She demands things like TV
programs, TV's in the bedroom and even when she try to briber her
with going to bed in her own room, with sweets, and get those
promises they are broken. Within ten minutes at times.
The other
mother of an Autistic child said that they were indeed going to get
worse when they get older and that her child does not even have a bed
in his room because he always sleeps I his mother's bed. He refused
to go to school but there was some rumour that the authorities turned
up t the house and marched him to school?
I constantly
ask myself how this young mother is going to cope and if anything was
to happen to her, which seems likely due to the way the Doctors and
hospitals are all acting nervous and have called us in six times in a
few weeks and and seems no sign of ending, how the fuck will I cope?!
I ask myself
that if we get through these test result OK or with some successful
operative procedure will my anxiety finally go? Or will I still have
these feelings of absolute dread that I do not understand?
At least I
know one substance to cut out that seems to magnify what they call
'the night dreads' and turn them up to 11. But it may well go up to
'11' or higher all on its own?
So when you
have had this sort of thing long enough you start to picture the
various endings to it all and you hope that they come. In the end you
do not care.
I am one
that would not like to lose my mobility and I certainly would not
like to lose my independence. I get too .. hyped up and I am already
having feelings of missing getting out and about amongst nature with
my camera stuff .. I long for it at times.
But the
seriously dwindled state of my savings has made me somewhat nervous
.. I case things go wrong and .. as I am not clear yet if I am
getting even the proper and normal amount of Universal Credit I am
even more wary of doing anything.
I just hope
that by March, at least, something has worked out because the Spring,
Summer and Autumn can be very productive times for me. I can be
active in the Winter too and often used to be but due to hibernation
.. there was always less opportunities. Except if and when it became
picturesque and maybe with .. architecture.
Each time
you go through 'episodes' it seems to go on forever and you start to
think it will never end but it does. Eventually. When the authorities
stop coming after you with a proverbial axe and holding hands out for
funds that do not exist an any universe.
In the last
week or two I have created four opportunities of this latest episode
coming to an end .. for most things and for both of us.
My
Patreon account to help me
GoFundMe
to help these kids and mum .. due to confusion with them ..
JustGiving
to help these kids and there mother
Contact
from Work & Pensions Select Committee to possibly help
all of us
For the time
being I have to keep on suffering and am still trying to get things
done but what with Christmas and all the Hospitals, Doctors,
supposedly moving into a bare empty house, memory issues, pain,
anxiety and this damned chest/heart thing and someone else's stomach
and now nausea thing, two autistic children .. one needy boy who is
now copying the oldest Autistic and having a meltdown about sleeping
in his mother's bed too.
I told you
that needy-boy was a problem?
Mother in
pain .. decides to have a bath .. need-boy, NOT Autistic, has already
been screaming as loud as he can 'I DON'T .. WANT .. TO GO TO BED!'
for half an hour who then makes every excuse to come out of his room,
get sent back and balling his eyes out for not getting his own way.
Keeping the oldest Autistic one awake and encouraging her out of her
mother's room where she sreamed the place down when told she cannot
sleep in their. Needy-boy, he is the one in the picture on the
crowdfunding site, taken years ago and is even crying in that picture
too when I knew he would be like this, is also winding up and
fighting with the Autistic sister.
I heard the
mother explode from the bathroom!
I could not
go up and exert any authority because .. well she was in the bath!
LOL.
Meltdown,
meltdown, meltdown is all it is and they are even at school part to
most of the day. One here now but not too bad on her own, the
youngest.
They need to
be separated and they absolutely need their on bedrooms .. seriously
need their own bedrooms. Or things ill get far, far .. worse.
Oh but there
is a new house that is more suitable. Yeah I did say MORE suitable.
They still have to be paired up in bedrooms but they are bigger. One
at one end and another at the other.
Yeah
needy-boy with still end up winding everyone up including his brother
who will go through puberty soon, meaning needy-boy gets black eyes a
lot.
Yeah and the
Devil's Angel will still wake up three time a night .. wake up her
little sister and the two of them will have meltdowns throughout the
day and that is without needy-boy who goes around winding all three
others up.
I do see
mistakes, sure. But it is not my place to say. There is too much
stress going on and not my place anyway.
But then I
am in panic mode because I think I might be suddenly thrust into this
and it is all my sole responsibility?!
EDIT: The the discovery of and of course lack of being informed, despite the inordinate amount of waiting for them because they are so important and know so much, of GPs, Doctors and Specialists failing to tell me that my now damaged eyesight, heart and blood pressure could be affected by Fibromyalgia because they refused to send me to a specialist and even when I tricked the into doing so .. only saw me once. Didn't tell me it as behind the anxiety or that this could lead to the loss of the use of your legs on occasion?! Or that there are links to both high suicides, oh how I now get that as well as cancer and likely other things, like aneurysms which is what my father died of at 56.
Good God,
man. Someone shoot me please! I would be far more humane.
Two videos of the two oldest kids from a few years back ..
Needy-boy when he started being needy some years ago ..
I did not get to sleep
until quite late and after the daze I was originally in I started to
come out of it but not to a place I wanted to.
I had thought that the
daze I was seemingly in might mean that I would not enter the all too
familiar crisis stage. However I had forgotten that I had held onto
some diazepam and had taken one shortly before that court hearing. So
I had fooled myself into thinking I would emerge OK from the stunned
shock I was in.
Last night as it was
getting later it became obvious that I was going to emerge in a state
I was not going to like. I had hoped to go to sleep and that maybe
with the sleep I would wake up on the other side of this state but I
was having more and more trouble sleeping. Until sometime after 2am
when I finally did sleep. Though Fibromyalgia sufferers do not
actually sleep in the true sense, yet something else that did not get
asked about nor mentioned yesterday. It is 7.13am currently but I
have been awake for around 2 hours and been trying to watch YouTube
videos on subjects I enjoy but … simply have no interest.
I also seem to have
this searing pain in my hip area … more like a very intense …
ache. I seem to recall having this in the past, I do not know what it
is and I have done nothing to have caused any aching or pain of any
kind.
Good God. I really do
not know what to do with myself or what I will do with myself today.
It is a Saturday and I have one option for the day and it is not a
good one and also not one I can conceivably choose. So really I have
zero options.
I do fee like I am on
the edge of another deep crisis. I had made some plans to counter
this but they have yet to play out, not heard from Mind about my
first appointment and probably be weeks away when I do. I have
someone else going to speak to me next Tuesday but that is next
Tuesday.
I am disappointed that
I woke up. Been a very long time since I last felt like that, or at
least that strongly about being disappointed I am still alive.
I also simply cannot
get over the vast contrast to a year ago and there is a galaxy of
space between the two.
Hmm I actually think
its my glutes that are aching and not the area of my thighs, or at
least an area somewhere between the two?
I have been reminded in
the last 12 hours that if there is indeed a continuation of the human
soul beyond death that I do not EVER want to come back. I will fight
kicking and screaming if I am forced to.
I have tried doing a
search to see if there is anywhere you can admit yourself too in case
things go from bad to worse? It is surprising how little there is out
there that does anything more than calling someone up and talking
down the phone.
Jesus how are things
this bad?
I do wonder about those
… others affected with mental illness that are pushed to drastic
measures of self harm and wonder what the transition is from self
harm and doing something worse? Is it a big chasm or a small step?
For some reason that has been playing on my mind since last night. I
have had some thoughts about that next step and I wonder what it
would take?
I have been here in the
past and wished I had the guts and wonder what it would take to
acquire them?
You just so much want
to flick that switch to the off position and that is what I find as
one serious fault to the human body and mind. Or you could also see
it as a massive problem with the society you live in too? That people
can make decisions that make you feel this bad without giving a crap
and all normally because of money. Power too at times.
The funny thing is
that, I don't think I mentioned it, but two days before the court
appearance I was making up a page of screenshots of my blogs to talk
about at the hearing I never bothered to mention when I noticed
something. What is funny about it is that it was a little ray of
light or hope but I just keep thinking too little too late.
As I looked at the
actual blogs as they appear to others I noticed something. Two small
adverts on some of the pages on my Blogger blogs? I found this odd as
I thought I had taken all the adverts off my blogs over a year ago? I
wondered whether or not Google insist on having some ads on there
with the excuse of needing money to manage the servers? I do now
know.
Then I thought 'well if
they have been on there all this time then they must have accumulated
some money?' so clicked on the earnings tab and got a little bit of a
surprise if I am honest. It was heading for £50. I would have been
surprised if it was half that.
I remember thinking how
annoying this was as I had predicted that another year to eighteen
months I might have actually started to get some small monthly
amount, or every other month? Which is why I found the DWP's recent
actions so bloody frustrating. I even said to a couple of people I
know that if only they had held off for another year losing a
percentage of my money, again, would not hit me so badly.
Though to be honest to
counter precisely what I am about to lose I would need six times that
figure paid every month. Puts into sharp contrast how hard it is for
bloggers and YouTubers everywhere.
So no, it does not
really help the current situation.
So your in a situation
where you want to do stuff … but you don't want to do stuff. You
want to watch things … but you don't want to watch things. You want
to go and see people … but you don't want to go and see people.
Funny this as the problem are respectively that you just want to
whither and die, you just cannot get into things or enjoy things and
you do not want to be a burden on anyone.
I am old enough and
wise enough to see that many people have problems especially today
and so I find it funny when you find a website to do with having a
crisis and they tell you to phone a family member or friend!
I read that as “Go
burden someone else with your problems while we get paid”.
Like a little
conversation I had recently about how many bodies and charities there
are out there but that no one actually does anything. I was speaking
about this with my diabetes friend and I asked him if he was a member
of any diabetes charities to which he replied, yes. I then asked him
what they had done for him in all the years he suffered with diabetes
and he paused for a moment and said “well nothing really” and I
think he said something about a newsletter?
Yes because news
letters make such a profound difference to your life.
I wonder if I could get
to Google's Deep Mind facility I could ask them to install a kill
switch about my person so that I may press it? Or perhaps upload
myself to a computer to leave the human body's faults behind?
Transhumanism, yes that would be one solution. I think. A shame it is
not … a thing.
I do hope this feeling
passes and does not linger too long but if experience in these
feeling has taught me anything is that they are anything but short
lived. Weeks and even months can go by before they begin go peter out
as I am sure a great many can attest to?
Just another one of
those bloody Fibromyalgia symptoms that can and do make your life a
misery...no, a living hell.
Hmm … maybe of
scientists can prove that there is a soul and it does live on in a
quantum state then voluntary euthanasia can finally become a thing?
So those of us who got the shit end of the stick can just check out?
That is until such a
time that humans can become more ... humane?
Yet again I see yet another example if the type of person I was hoping to reach.
Well this is how it appears from the way the report is worded.
A woman and two children were found dead. The children were reported to have been murdered while the mothers death is not suspicious, an odd choice if wording.
What had troubled me for some time would be mothers not being helped or supported correctly by those you have relied upon.
It is simply staggering the two sides if that same face and how contrasting they are. One day preaching about how they are horrified at starving people in a far away land and then but betting an eyelid at what they have got our public services to do to people.
Or more correctly...NOT DO!
I have no idea how many times this has happened thus far. You can bet whatever the number is will likely be manufactured. It will also but stop and likely to increase in frequency too. Unless enough people visit here and see that I am fighting for them and that hopefully there will be a clearer message later in 2014 that things will get better if you just hold out for another year. Just this year.
I certainly hope to be able to claim in here that the dire treatment if human beings is or will soon come to an end.
All it needs is enough people on here and that is growing ever faster by the week.
The idea being is to bring the truth out and therefore utter and condemning shame to all those that brought this evil madness to the doorsteps of innocent people and children.
Mathematics is the ultimate law and you simply cannot ignore the maths. Enough people reading enough posts to see that I am honest, even if brutal at times. Hear enough of the audio and realise the truth.
Once widely enough hi amount if crooked documentaries and choosy journalists and he's media groups can fool anyone anymore.
Indeed this is the disease that has affected our once great nation. There simply is nothing not no one out there that stands out as someone our an organisation you can trust?!
Woman and two children found dead http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-25686711
Other than the obvious fact of escaping physical pain, mental suffering, misery or any combination thereof I have another take on this.
I find this stance so utterly strange when everything else under the sun can be done to an individual that causes the most unbelievably horrific thoughts, feelings and pain and you have no rights and no access to law to stop the culprits from doing this!
So how is it that the law suddenly LEAPS INTO ACTION with this subject?!
You can be repeatedly kicked, defrauded, attacked, stabbed in the back, left in pain left in limbo and left on the gutter and homeless as well as being lied to by Doctor's and Hospitals and you cannot do JACK and no one cares but wants to help. But take your own life is a no-no?!
It is no different to saying 'no, you have to stay here and take all the shut treatment you get, take the stress, take the pain, watch people you love living a nightmare and you just have to such it up! You have no rights either to put a stop to being treated like garbage andwe have been extremely good at removing every escape route too!'
I have thought this way for so very long and when I re-started many things that were left dormant in my life to get answers to questions I tried to Durer many years I knew two things...
1) That I would not find out anything and but be diagnosed or treated.
2) That I was going to do all that with this right to die being repeatedly refused as I journeyed along my path.
Indeed and I can tell you right here and right now is that one of the just of things I have insinuated at which was an intention was that as my journey would reveal things to everybody little by little, our indeed many by many lol, that with each week it would make the while system and law look more and more pointless as well as contradictory in nature to make the government, and previous governments, look utterly incompetent and the system exposed for the absolute joke it is.
Oddly enough I do wonder whether or not the faction behind this, like the loonies in America, that this is driven by a faction who follow something which had been obvious to everyone but them not only does not exist but not possible...RELIGION!
Everyone had always harped on about tolerance levels and you're right to believe but for the love of....ZEUS, get a grip! You cannot force things upon people or make or keep laws based on religious beliefs or factions any more?!
It is forcing and manipulation and besides this there are bloody loads odd religions your cannot cater for them all!
The human race really needs to sort itself out and start to be more grown to and mature about things. Unfortunately I know I won't live long enough to see this happen, lol.
Hmm my phone had been slowing down a great deal last couple of days especially posting on Blogger?!
Well this is one hell if a mind job for me this truly is!
This is one of the drugs that I have thought for some years now that it's one of those cheap crap drugs they give you that do not work!
Why do I think this?
Well because I was on this years ago and it did bugger all and I was also on accelofenac too which also did nothing!
Now I could write a decent list of drugs I have been given over 12 years plus that do not work on pain.
I could also do the same for drugs for my stomach problem which left me acquiring oesophagitis years later...
...ooh?! That is WHY they switched the dates on my medical records?! Of course not providing the right drugs directly led to another condition!
Anyway I digress.
So after more than ten years they have now performed one neurological test that does not test for everything but then lied and said neurological problems were ruled out. But at same time and not linked to other specialists or departments I was under a Pain Specialist prescribed a Neurological Drug called Gabapentin that works. When I ask why as they insist I have no neurological problem they tell nd it's not for neurological problems, gabapentin that is, it is simply a pain killer.
Tonight I find out that one of the shitty crappy drugs they kept giving me years ago was actually doing....something! Increasing the risk of a heart attack?! I have now had two members of my family, maybe a third that died due to heart problems and since my father died my family started writing about me and my heart?!
Well other than a selfish grandfather that seems to be going on to live forever, funny how it always works like that lol, I am the oldest in this branch of my family!
I wonder if any of them will read or hear about it and ask me as I've been prescribed lots of NSAIDs over the years!
This drug has been knocking around fire donkeys years!! God it must have been ten years back I was prescribed it?!
So how the hell are they only finding out about it now and how many people have died because of it?!
Before above wonders the answer is no the family members I know to have died sure to heart problems never took pills ever, lol. One did not even have a Doctor!
Of course I imagine that many people who have lost someone close to them is now going to wonder of they took this drug?! In the case of a spouse this would be probably known but if a parent our adult child out could be more difficult to found out if they lived alone.
Time will tell if there it's anything more to this or not? Let us hope out was only an increased risk and never came to anything?!
Only with the amount of time this drug had been around and how easily and quickly it is given out I very much doubt it!
Just remembered that I think my old cycling buddy was prescribed this for his bad back! I wonder how his nurse of a sister is now trying to explain this away as she did to him over my health and ailments that were ALWAYS?!
