THE FOURTH DEATH

Jesus .. you just cannot win.

I have to consider that there are various ways I can die .. as I only recently discovered though the feelings I get in my chest and heart have been something of a warning for some time now.

Heart attack, cardiac arrest and Sudden Death Syndrome.

What is that you say? That is only three? Oh yeah ..

The fourth is bloody boredom!

Yeah on the rare occasions I do feel OK I have my old enemy dog me and it feels like it dogs me to the edge of death.

When I am OK I hate having nothing to do .. well .. nothing constructive. Like my photography, for example .. oh my God how I would like to be getting out a lot more often than I have been.

It is such a frustrating waste of time and the tools I spent so much money on.

I mean I have managed to use it but I seem to get things flung at me, intended too on occasions, that prevent me from doing what I want to do.

It is odd as with all my previous non-professional cameras where I could have gotten ten times more pictures that I did with a professional one, I had all the time in the fecking world!

The moment I have something of professional standard I started getting shite in the form of obstacles flung at me every five minutes. Almost all of them the public services.

I used to be a short cycle ride from some many very good place to use my camera.

Now I am several bus rides to most of them!

Buses are of course an issue for me ..

• Body gets way too hot in warmer months
• Pain in my feet
• Pain in back and shoulders
• Seizures
• Heart Palpitations, Chest Tightness and Breathlessness (only recent)
• Possible Sudden Death Syndrome, Heart Attack, Cardiac Arrest to think about

It is just such a humongous and .. scary thing to consider those and no one would be blamed for not being able to do things with any one of the above.

It is also far from everything and just the most major ones. Like the memory loss issue for instance.

Now with a bit of luck and with many a year of waiting this might finally come to an end in a matter of weeks. But the waiting just makes everything worse.

I do have plans to help this along a bit but I cannot do anything until the time comes around and then is down to a little .. pleading. Just to show that things are fare worse then they imagined. I am sure the suggestions mentioned by them themselves will likely come to fruition once they see the bigger picture? Fingers crossed. Well .. it has already been stated of their intentions .. it just remains to be seen if it will benefit from a little encouragement? Or pleading?

It is also typical that after freezing my nether regions off .. yesterday morning for several hours despite putting on full length cargo trousers for the first time in weeks and leading me to but a waistcoat .. I get fried alive today. It started out very cool but OK. Then wet to a nice gentle warmth and by 2 to 3pm I was racing for the shade and wished I was wearing shorts!

I guarantee if I had gone out wearing shorts I would have spent the first hour regretting that decision!

It is also odd as I have been surprised at feeling the cold but the I have probably lost around two stone in weight. So I am proper thin and therefore probably why I have been feeling it on colder days?

Since I acquired my professional camera I have opened my eyes to a far wider range oh photography from landscapes to architecture, skylines and geometry and symmetry of buildings. My usual passing interest of monochrome has gotten a lot deeper too and I am constantly on the look out for photographs that give me other ideas too.

I have thought and even actually looked to see if I could find a photography friend .. this way I would feel a lot better being with someone, knowing that if I fall unconscious my gear will be safe. They would have to be aware of the possibility I could just fall unconscious and not only be OK with it but know what to do .. like ring an ambulance. Not that I have any confidence in the NHS but I would like to at least try to remain alive until my daughter is out of her own fiery pit located somewhere in some hot corner of hell?

Yeeaah I do not have anyone that can actually do that.. No chaperone and the only person that could possibly do it is an overgrown child who has zero patience who throws a tantrum if you talk about things he deems are out of bounds and storms off in a huff over feck all. Yeah .. about as responsible as Guinea Pig. Well give you an idea .. out with his grandmother one day she fell down the stairs of a bus and ended up in hospital. Of course as their behaviour is famous and widely known everyone wondered it it was down to his zero patience.

He walked off while I stood still to the point he got a quarter of a mile or more and was out of sight and when he found me two hours later, because he wanted to get a move on ad was getting annoyed, actually asked in a sarcastic tone “Where did you go?!”

Three people I know reacted with complete shock at this and simply could not believe it and I said ..

“Well, yeah. I was [effing] standing still until the point he had walked a quarter of a mile out of sight and he [effing] asks me where I went?! I wanted to say, [effing] nowhere you [effing] dick! I was standing still, it was you that [effing] walked off and left me!!”

Oh and yeah .. he knew about the chest issues and that I had been to hospital but the knowledge of the sudden death, heart attack, cardiac arrest ad other things were not known to me until around a week later, maybe a little sooner? But still .. oh no wait? Yes .. I did know as I distinctly remember saying it at some horse paddocks at the end of one day before returning here.

Yes despite his later lies to someone else that I went on about it for three days .. well it was actually four but never mind, which only makes him like look a selfish twat because you cannot say that I talked about how I can suddenly drop dead for four days when you have just arrived back twenty minutes ahead of me!

Yeah .. that is the effing logic I have to put up with .. while they want sympathy over the spilt milk they have while not only disregarding fatal conditions, claiming something that is not dangerous is worse than something that is most definitely fatal, like cancer, but do not even ask.

Yeah when they are trying to force me to listen to their whines and whinges I start to get angry inside thinking of how months have passed by and my deadly and painful conditions are not asked about nor is that of my daughter.

Even more amazing is their faces when they realise from the look on my face that I am not interested in their painful arm, painful back or mild epilepsy that I have never seen. Lol.

Remember .. these are the worst health conditions in the world according to them and their attitudes and behaviour while cancer and sudden death or not only not even worth asking about once in four months .. it is not even worth hanging around you to make sure your there to call an ambulance of the person collapses.

I would not trust them with my pet hamster in all honesty and I do not even own a pet hamster!

The funny part about it was hearing the “Oh noo ..” or “Whaaaat?!” from three people I know who themselves can be guilty of .. absent mindedness and difficulty believing things you tell them.

I think I have this disbelief well and truly quashed now with one as he did claim as he always does that I was being lied to once again. As I stated previously and probably happens with the readers of my blogs .. just because you think your right and even if something happens that suggest you might be right and have a right to your own opinion .. even combined these things do not make you right.

You have the right to be wrong and being right makes you right, along with the facts.

Something that every idiot in every corrupt, they all are, public services in Britain seems to have forgotten and they all think they are right and often this is down to delusions of grandeur. 'Oooh I work in the NHS .. that makes me a pro .. that makes me right'. No .. I have proven every Doctor I have ever met wrong .. sorry. Lol.

But yeah .. I think that the recent magazine finally quashed one source of negativity towards a situation and I am well and truly pleased about that. Because prior to this the negativity and attitude still put me off going there, along with my .. ailments of course.

You see there was this .. person. Someone kinda of involved from the start .. who kinda started it all and when I did bite the bullet and mention this person I got the usual ..

“Oh? She tell you that, did she?” ergo she is lying.

Unfortunately for them and very fortunately for me .. the magazine article proved that he and everyone else that stated the same was wrong.

It would be nice if they then realised that maybe everything they ever claimed about me, my daughter and the situation was .. wrong? Chance would be a fine thing. But then I do not need them to realise this because I am afraid it is going to be done for them.

Another very hard price both of us have had to pay for many, many .. years!

But while I await this third publication I have to try and deal with the frustration of not walking around the bases of sets of tall buildings and looking skyward to see if I can see a good shot.

I have to deal with the frustration of not being able to walk around an old cathedral, castle or other ancient building looking for some unique shots I can play around with post-processing.

I cannot look for buildings with crazy and unique designs and/or textures that would make an interesting shot I could mess around with in post-processing.

And I am certainly too far away from anywhere that would produce a great natural landscape and can only dream of what I had planed for last year that did not come to light ..

Scottish west coast and Highlands and the Himalayas! God damn it!

Now with a it of luck and at some point next week I may be able to find out if there is a way of dealing with these damned chest and heart issues? At least tat is the plan .. if I do not drop dead trying to get to the GP that is too far away?! God damn it!

LMFAO!

I have no choice presently .. I have to go. I just keep thinking .. it is just two trips, it is just two trips and I am hoping they do not try and blame it on pills I have not taken for three months?!

Yeah .. they have done this sour times previously and have a failure rate of 100% I will very happily point out if they try it.

Oh .. guess what I will take with me so that I am not fucked about? That magazine!

EDIT: Oh-oh-oh and art photography too!

I have always lie art .. paintings and sculptures mainly. At a Hopper exhibit at the Tate years ago, day my dad died unfortunately. Pre-Raphaelites, Rennaisance, the Impressionists and others.

NIGHT AFTER THE NIGHTMARE

Well that has not gone well.

I did not get to sleep until quite late and after the daze I was originally in I started to come out of it but not to a place I wanted to.

I had thought that the daze I was seemingly in might mean that I would not enter the all too familiar crisis stage. However I had forgotten that I had held onto some diazepam and had taken one shortly before that court hearing. So I had fooled myself into thinking I would emerge OK from the stunned shock I was in.

Last night as it was getting later it became obvious that I was going to emerge in a state I was not going to like. I had hoped to go to sleep and that maybe with the sleep I would wake up on the other side of this state but I was having more and more trouble sleeping. Until sometime after 2am when I finally did sleep. Though Fibromyalgia sufferers do not actually sleep in the true sense, yet something else that did not get asked about nor mentioned yesterday. It is 7.13am currently but I have been awake for around 2 hours and been trying to watch YouTube videos on subjects I enjoy but … simply have no interest.

I also seem to have this searing pain in my hip area … more like a very intense … ache. I seem to recall having this in the past, I do not know what it is and I have done nothing to have caused any aching or pain of any kind.

Good God. I really do not know what to do with myself or what I will do with myself today. It is a Saturday and I have one option for the day and it is not a good one and also not one I can conceivably choose. So really I have zero options.

I do fee like I am on the edge of another deep crisis. I had made some plans to counter this but they have yet to play out, not heard from Mind about my first appointment and probably be weeks away when I do. I have someone else going to speak to me next Tuesday but that is next Tuesday.

I am disappointed that I woke up. Been a very long time since I last felt like that, or at least that strongly about being disappointed I am still alive.

I also simply cannot get over the vast contrast to a year ago and there is a galaxy of space between the two.

Hmm I actually think its my glutes that are aching and not the area of my thighs, or at least an area somewhere between the two?

I have been reminded in the last 12 hours that if there is indeed a continuation of the human soul beyond death that I do not EVER want to come back. I will fight kicking and screaming if I am forced to.

I have tried doing a search to see if there is anywhere you can admit yourself too in case things go from bad to worse? It is surprising how little there is out there that does anything more than calling someone up and talking down the phone.

Jesus how are things this bad?

I do wonder about those … others affected with mental illness that are pushed to drastic measures of self harm and wonder what the transition is from self harm and doing something worse? Is it a big chasm or a small step? For some reason that has been playing on my mind since last night. I have had some thoughts about that next step and I wonder what it would take?

I have been here in the past and wished I had the guts and wonder what it would take to acquire them?

You just so much want to flick that switch to the off position and that is what I find as one serious fault to the human body and mind. Or you could also see it as a massive problem with the society you live in too? That people can make decisions that make you feel this bad without giving a crap and all normally because of money. Power too at times.

The funny thing is that, I don't think I mentioned it, but two days before the court appearance I was making up a page of screenshots of my blogs to talk about at the hearing I never bothered to mention when I noticed something. What is funny about it is that it was a little ray of light or hope but I just keep thinking too little too late.

As I looked at the actual blogs as they appear to others I noticed something. Two small adverts on some of the pages on my Blogger blogs? I found this odd as I thought I had taken all the adverts off my blogs over a year ago? I wondered whether or not Google insist on having some ads on there with the excuse of needing money to manage the servers? I do now know.

Then I thought 'well if they have been on there all this time then they must have accumulated some money?' so clicked on the earnings tab and got a little bit of a surprise if I am honest. It was heading for £50. I would have been surprised if it was half that.

I remember thinking how annoying this was as I had predicted that another year to eighteen months I might have actually started to get some small monthly amount, or every other month? Which is why I found the DWP's recent actions so bloody frustrating. I even said to a couple of people I know that if only they had held off for another year losing a percentage of my money, again, would not hit me so badly.

Though to be honest to counter precisely what I am about to lose I would need six times that figure paid every month. Puts into sharp contrast how hard it is for bloggers and YouTubers everywhere.

So no, it does not really help the current situation.

So your in a situation where you want to do stuff … but you don't want to do stuff. You want to watch things … but you don't want to watch things. You want to go and see people … but you don't want to go and see people. Funny this as the problem are respectively that you just want to whither and die, you just cannot get into things or enjoy things and you do not want to be a burden on anyone.

I am old enough and wise enough to see that many people have problems especially today and so I find it funny when you find a website to do with having a crisis and they tell you to phone a family member or friend!

I read that as “Go burden someone else with your problems while we get paid”.

Like a little conversation I had recently about how many bodies and charities there are out there but that no one actually does anything. I was speaking about this with my diabetes friend and I asked him if he was a member of any diabetes charities to which he replied, yes. I then asked him what they had done for him in all the years he suffered with diabetes and he paused for a moment and said “well nothing really” and I think he said something about a newsletter?

Yes because news letters make such a profound difference to your life.

I wonder if I could get to Google's Deep Mind facility I could ask them to install a kill switch about my person so that I may press it? Or perhaps upload myself to a computer to leave the human body's faults behind? Transhumanism, yes that would be one solution. I think. A shame it is not … a thing.

I do hope this feeling passes and does not linger too long but if experience in these feeling has taught me anything is that they are anything but short lived. Weeks and even months can go by before they begin go peter out as I am sure a great many can attest to?

Just another one of those bloody Fibromyalgia symptoms that can and do make your life a misery...no, a living hell.

Hmm … maybe of scientists can prove that there is a soul and it does live on in a quantum state then voluntary euthanasia can finally become a thing? So those of us who got the shit end of the stick can just check out?

That is until such a time that humans can become more ... humane?

Good God this aching pain is unrelenting!

THE MANY SLOW DEATHS

I am dying...again.

The only way I can describe anxiety attacks like I experience briefly is that it feels like I am literally dying. Except it takes a long time, sometimes seemingly forever and … well, you don't die.

Thought to be honest I half expect a heart attack or something else pretty major each time I experience one of these attacks.

I am sure that actually dying would be far less cruel?

It is Sunday and for some reason the anxiety has decided to go onto overdrive yet again. It has more or less stayed at lower levels for a few days but now has suddenly decided to go nuts?

Oddly I just remembered I have now had an email from the Citizen's Advice that states that they can have someone with me at court but seemed to think I was asking for someone for a DWP assessment?! Except as I have pointed out it clearly states in the subject line 'representation to court'!

I cannot believe the mess I have going on with both the Citizen's Advice Bureau and HM Court & Tribunal Service. They have both made such awful and amateurish errors.

I am the one with the anxiety attacks and the memory problems and despite that I can still read and I cannot help but think that they are working together to deliberately play against my two weaknesses of anxiety and memory loss?

How can you make these many errors? Also the court date was many weeks sooner than I expected it to be.

So with mere days to go I have to send two more letters to the court, with hardly any time for them to process them, and try to get the representation from the Citizen's Advice, keep my rising anxiety at bay and I have just found out my sister has gone into hospital so may be about to give birth?!

Plus the mother of one brother's girlfriend has been taken into hospital too.

While I sit here feeling like I am dying … except I just wont .. frustratingly. Leaving me always asking how a human can feel this much pain and still be alive?

I have a letter in my backpack to the court already with their own pre-paid second class stamp on I forgot to post on Friday. Then yesterday I realised my Visa card was missing and that took up a day and I thought it must be in Sainsburys I went there as asked and they had nothing handed in.

A friend that morning had insisted that the banks are open to 4pm and that I should go in there and tell them I lost it. So after Sainsburys I went there … but no as I thought it was not open and according to the times on the door does not open at all on Saturday.

Of course I forgot about my pre-paid second class envelope to go to HM Court & Tribunal Service which is now barely going to have time to be read.

This is the idea and way that justice is handled in the UK today? My God.

Do not forget I have some pretty bad memory problems and bad things happening spark of my anxiety which itself can cause other .. effects. The fact that I have to try and keep on top of all this also helps drive my anxiety over the top.

This week is not going to go well and I just hope everything goes OK for my sister.

THIS CREEPING MALAISE

Towards its end, this creeping malaise.

When I returned from a distant place, intending my visits to be much more frequent, I never expected what would come next. Or rather, not.

Dangers and secrets around each turn, fatalities was impending but eventually averted.

Enemies await in every direction. Many hidden behind many obstacles.

To ones alarm those intended, tasked and rewarded to help also become one's enemy.

In all three hundred and sixty degrees someone or something lies in wait.

This three hundred and sixty degree war abounded along side my own internal battles between the basic animal drive and the intellectual that resides within.

One wonders to how many battles any one man or woman can face simultaneously?

What one least expects is the aftermath of those that were the biggest of battles.

A long silence. Long indeed.

Tasks and jobs invented to be free of the silence that surrounds.

When all else is dealt it be the meteorological events that do battle. The days are grey in a time for sunshine and heat waves.

One often dresses for occasions that never arise or visited.

The in-betweens are the most difficult an hazardous of periods to navigate. One wonders often how unsafe the travels before me.

It not be mortal man that poses any kind of threat. Much greater and more immediate dangers lie in wait and ones that one cannot physically battle.

Those intangible be the worst.

Held together with fragile silk threads pulled taut.

The flickering flames that threaten the holdings in place.

This one never claims perfection and has their own personal demons to battle that are no one else's affair but one's own.

But energy now drains and all too frequent.

The world appears grey.

Heading towards its end one hopes.

This creeping malaise.

THE APPROACHING DAWN

Been busy trying to tidy up the place. My home that is.

I have been busy with other things I will get to before too long.

I have also managed to give up one vice while I have also got into something new, once again more on that soon when I manage to get around to it and take some pictures and maybe a movie or two?

I am also on the cusp of two events.

It has been a very, very long wait. I am hoping it comes to an end and while I type that I know that one way or another it will come to an end.

Either something happens or it does not. If it does not then the message given out is very clear, very clear indeed. Not one that I either wanted nor considered for single second I would get the whole while I was helping and working on something.

They always speak about things in life being there to both test you and teach you ... but not this one ... this is a learning process that no one wants to experience.

I am also late in getting off a second wave of letters to literary agents and am also considering at this point at contacting solicitors now as well as companies with goof reputations in the hope of getting some advertising deal. In the event it turns out that money I thought would be returned last October, 2015, is not returned and indeed not there at all. That was what I never considered.

It has been a miserable winter and my heart goes out to those in the north of the UK getting far more intensity and frequency of that we have had in the suburbs of London!

After God knows how many storms we, or rather they, have Henry incoming.

Those that have been here enough times and long enough know that I cycle a lot. For anyone trapped indoors or have difficulty or being put off going too far I implore you to get a cycle of some kind.

For me it is a mean to escape, I can get among the wildlife and nature in about 30 minutes and not be near anyone else. It allows me to think too and I can even get creative by carrying in my backpack notebooks, pens and even a tablet PC. I often carry other gadgets too like a bridge camera for one, if it is good weather, Spring or Summer or I am able to get somewhere to film British birds that are winter visitors only.

I have pains in my feet, hips and other places caused by Fibromyalgia. I also have some kind of back problems and a physically damaged right knee. The cycling helps with most but does aggravate the knee, if I am honest. Luckily not too much.

Also Fibromyalgia can, if your really unlucky, get so bad that you can wind up bed ridden.

Anyone that knows about Fibromyalgia, including the very few Doctors out there, will tell you that light exercising keeps the pains at bay, not gone per se, just at bay and stops you winding up bed ridden.

Do not do too much and do not become a couch potato. It will only get progressively worse.

In the news I see that the sudden deaths of celebrities keep on coming with Terry Wogan being added to the list. It is quite bizarre I must say.

Also more corruption keeps on being exposed.

One wonders when it will end? Hopefully and eventually they would have exposed everyone and it will end. Hopefully then things can and will get better?

I have done my bit to expose as many as I can and the list runs into dozens ... no literally, lol. To the point whereby people high up in organisations pick up the phone to warn others of what I am up to. They also still try and second guess me but ... well, they are just wasting their time.

Carry on playing games and trying to second guess while wrongly assuming your the most intelligent man in the room and you just play right into my hands.

Tomorrow is February 2016.

From tomorrow we have seventeen days. Seventeen days where a great deal can happen.

Separate from this are some endeavours of my own. I have to send off a second wave of literary agent letters, but I am not expecting to be taken on, just lied to and I have already which I will get around to aty some point. I own books on becoming an author that states that almost all literary agents are basically idiots. Almost all sit around waiting for a template that has already been created.

Putting that in a straightforward example everyone would love to get something along the lines of Harry Potter because of the popularity and the money it made. Except Harry Potter has already been done and anything else would seem like a rip-off and not make 1% (one percent) of the money that Harry Potter made.

Quite possibly the percentage should be in small fractions? Lol.

Some state that they are destroying literature.

It is all about have something interesting to say, explaining and proving facts not known before, or theorised and/or suspected. It is about getting things across that everyone can fully understand and see without the chance they will walk away without really looking.

Now save for posting my secretly recorded audio files and photocopied reports in every single post when they number in the many dozens I do all of the above in the previous paragraph.

I have also always been told this by fellow degree students, friends and family and have even been told by them all and a member of Mensa that I have a unique way with words and explaining things. A previous employer, two solicitors also friends, also said the same and stated I was very good at teaching and should do that.

Dozens and dozens of intelligent people, professionals, scientists and solicitor along with many of your average bods all of which number in the hundreds have told me to do EXACTLY what I a doing now. As well as write the books I have written.

For some strange reason literary agents cannot see what hundreds of others have all seen.

The only difference between all of these people from my past and that of all the literary agent is that the former have met me. Maybe that is the key difference?

I am often told after a first meeting that I have blown people's minds or they cannot believe how much I know and even that I should me a millionaire with my knowledge.

Oddly there is someone I should currently be teaching absolutely everything that I know and everything that I can do.

Annnnd were back to that approaching dawn.

I have also just remembered of another item I need to take photos of and post about which is very disappointing and involves two companies. Two more companies to add to the ever growing list and one a manufacturer and one a retailer.

I am shocked to have to say what it is I will say. Especially when I tried to purchase every other item from the high street retail store and they did not have a single one ... or pair, I should say.

In 1985 I bought their product and swore I never would again and here we are thirty years later and once again I am stating that which I did in 1985. After already having good item of the exact same thing which I have owned for two years. Bonkers, is what it is, lol.

The other new gadget I have I have loved, found a bit tricky and then went out and spent a lot more on another bigger and better gadget! Money I had not planned on spending but I simply could not resist after buying the first one.

I cannot put the damn thing down!

I have looked into this ... past-time and discovered a few odd things. Both good things and bad things and after doing a post on here I might skip it over to my computing blog? Or maybe keep it going on here?

So I am working on several things currently and we have seventeen days in February that re going to be ... a little odd, if I am honest, and quite ... productive in more ways than one.

I also wonder if this year of 2016 will be the one whereby I end up hearing something linked to me being mentioned?

In the meantime I have to endure such rotten weather that induces such painful levels of boredom that it is simply unbelievable.

Dammit! I also still have to look up the insurance cost for the car I have been offered!

I keep forgetting. I forget a great deal of things. Thank you Fibromyalgia!

I have got to expand, or find a way of expanding this year.

I had planned to be moving north about now. This would be to allow a relative of mine to be able to get to me within an hour. So they could see me whenever they felt the need to. I thought that would be happening about now and probably would too had I been allowed to do as I wanted to and not had a door shut on me.

Yes it can be better late than never but it is starting to very much look and feel like never. With one man's words ringing in my ears like a loud foghorn has gone off beside my head!

These boots were bought for walking, lol pardon the reference, have now presented me with a problem. So if I was asked to whisk myself away I am back in the boat I was in back in September and October of 2015!

So may things and tools needed and not enough cash to acquire them all!

Even more annoying when these things and tools should have all been purchased by Autumn 2015 and I simply have no idea right know of when that time will be! Autumn 2016 will be ... a bit of a stretch and I have estimated I am about 14 months late, due to another endeavour that looks to now have been unproductive. I was informed all along the way that it was and indeed the moment hat it was productive. But all I have right now is a pea-souper of fog and I cannot see a damn thing! I also cannot even blame this on the symptom of Fibrofog I experience often!

I plan to instigate something, all the same. To try and get and put an end to this four year long ordeal once and for all.

Because I have spent the last three months wondering whether or not I have been a naive idiot taken for a fool. I have the absolute best excuse in the world, mind you!

Like I said, the 17th February 2016 is they key date ion all this and II had also figured in a 12 week period which has now passed. The number of weeks in that period is not finite and can be variable. So a couple of extra weeks allows things to ... happen, or not, as the case may be.

While that happens I will work on a few things to keep me busy. There are a couple other things I want to work on but not quite got all the tools I require. A little worried that I will do myself a physical injury in the space I have that could easily wind up losing a digit (finger or thumb), hand, arm or even kill me! LMAO!

You gotta do something. No one can sit around on their arse all day and it drives me nuts trying to sit still for a single day! Simply not possible. Not here at any rate. Not with my current ... surroundings.

I also need to go to the local council, so potentially more audio, and check what their Housing Benefit monthly payments ceiling is. Because at the possible worst time my landlord has informed me they have to put the rent up. Dammit!

I have lost count of the number of things that have occurred in the period between November to date, January 31st 2016! Even my health and particularly back pains have been going into overdrive like never before!

So I have endeavoured to turn each of these things around into something ... else! Lol.

Eighteen days from now the horizon could look very different and I am hoping that it is a darned sight closer and not a darned sight further away?!

Here's hoping.

NEED TO RELIEVING BOREDOM: THE COMPLICATED EXPLANATION

Well yes.

But this extremely lengthy and convoluted account of that which drives us is simply the long method for explaining that mankind's needs are not merely or singularly fuel to sustain us but that or greatest enemy and no one more aware of this than I am, is boredom!

Whether these are teenagers loitering about noisily with a six pack of beer or an astrophysicist studying grains from a space prove that had returned with smallest of particles from interstellar space that were created by a star other than our own, it is relieving boredom.

Many years ago, hmm about twenty or so, I had just such a conversation with someone who was a neighbour who I affectionately called Troublesome Trevor. This was because his symptoms of bipolar freaked out a few neighbours a few times.

A very intelligent man but also someone with a very sad history as well as condition.

After several hours chatting and around 3am in the morning he turned and said 'Your ... not from around here are you?' before pointing out that my knowledge and ability to understand and see things she what they are he had not come across previously. I told him 'no, your quite right I am not' I then explained that I was born in West Middlesex, grew up in East London but spent large amounts of time in both Brighton on the south coast and the North West. This was later followed by the West Country.

Not quite as far as I would have liked to have spent time by several thousand miles .. but the best laid plans and all that.

Are we suffering from consumption? http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-28756372

THE BOTHER WITH BOREDOM

would seriously like to acquire and review a series of gadgets based on technologies that could help with my blogs. Plus one that would only help a little.

Oddly enough it is boredom that is my biggest issue but not only boredom. Unfortunately everything in life is somewhat complex but it depends on just how complex it is. Of course time is the main factor on any given depth to complexities.

My issues stem back years but I did not know what was happening to me and so many things that simply suck about life came along fairly regularly and added to the issues. Of curse these were all public office, bodies and services that are supposed to be there to serve us and preserve a status quo of sorts. Instead they are now only self serving and brekky send out letters to us insisting that we continue to finance organisations that are self serving.

The really stupid reality to this constant lean towards a self serving attitude with a developing God complex actually prevented me from being self serving. They got away with this for an inordinate amount of time because everything was tied up so that they could.

What now seems like eons ago I tried to fight against this but I discovered there was no way to fight it. There might have been an option back then fur someone with a disability but not only was I unaware I had one but when I started to realise I was the NHS kept saying no. I then turned to other organisations and they kept telling me no too!

I started to winner hire it could be that I lived in the society of Great Britain and yet you could tell your country something that only you can really know for sure and they kept telling you no?! How can this be? Then it was a case of just ignoring any demands that cave through my door that were beyond my capabilities and therefore unfair. At times the idiots who are supposed to be been counters were crap at mathematics had there there adding up all backwards. Still the demands came when when it was mathematically impossible?! They would even spend money on legal action and courts when the maths did not even add up BEFORE they started?!

Not very good at being efficient with the cash they DO manage to screw out of people by spending large amounts of it for money that is not at the end of the rainbow. Even when you try to spell it out they totally ignore this and continue on squandering money! Madness!

So this to'ing and froing went on for a very, very long time. Yes there was a point when I realised that I was being lied to by many and deliberately mislead. This was because after awhile you realise that when the save question fails to get answered then there is more gong on behind the scenes. Infuriatingly and typically just as I was realising this and almost perfect timing I had a setback in the way of being physically attacked and then defrauded of thousands of pounds in cash. Cash that was going to fund a real Doctor, private, and a hired solicitor. Oops!

I cannot tell you of the top of my head how long that set me back but at a guess I would say around eighteen months AFTER the event to place?

Then you have to come to with a while new plan in a society that had quite deliberately as well as  systematically removed any and all human rights to you. This includes the possibility of help from both solicitors and police.

So after having an inordinate amount of time wasted I had to concoct another plan but unfortunately it was obvious that the only option left would take money I mostly did not have and a very long time too. Then my daughter was in difficulties and I had to help her but in so doing I found out even more of the corruption and that these people protect bit only themselves but also the corruption going on presently as well as the last twenty years too.

Once I was sure I was not needed any longer I could actually return to my original plans. Plans long overdue!

However what I was beginning to discover is that despite my growing confidence in this matter as I knew I possessed the necessary tools to complete the task however long I took, I had other issues.

I had thought that as my confidence grew and as I edged closer and closer to my ultimate goals that these issues would simply evaporate? Not so.

The issues I have is the one of boredom and quite simply I hate it. I know that mine is unique due to my condition but it does not help, quite unfortunately.

I do not like being indoors but my tiny home and difficult keeping the place from being cluttered make things a great deal worse. My house also gets very hot too and I am suddenly reminded I need to buy electric fans but the temperatures in the house have reached nigh on 50 degrees centigrade, the thermometer did state 54 but I am going to go with that being a false reading, lol. That was my bedroom! My house is small and faces south.

Even if I could occupy myself it gets to damn hot at times. I always hope fur a good sunny summer, of a constant 22 degrees, and a winter without too much rain or wind?! Lol! Last summer was not too bad for the most part but this winter was crap, very crap and prevented me from doing certain things.

So I am somewhat apprehensive about the summer. But today I had one of those days that really fires not help. After my post earlier today I left the house and felt that pain in my right groin, which I forgot I had felt earlier in the day, and felt tired no sooner had I got half way along my garden path! I ended up just retrieving some milk from Sainsbury's and returned home, knackered.

I did a few bits on the Internet VI's the laptop but after awhile switched it off and retired to the bedroom and spent a few hours watching my new Neon Tetras in my aquarium and fed them with the males fighting while trying to fight off the urge to fall asleep!

I bet I do not bloody well get to sleep now?! Lol!

I also hope my energy levels return in the morning and I bloody hate feeling like this! Grr!

This is an example of one of the things I may forget about and whereby this blog comes in handy to jot things down in case I forget. God knows how many things like this I have forgotten to post on here but I beer it would number over 100 and quite possibly several hundred?! Would have been good to have the frequencies down of any and each of the issues/symptoms I experience of Fibromyalgia? I have quite deliberately left off the less significant and boring ones but rest assured that in combination these too can be a pain in the arse!

So yes the boredom is tough. So it is not nice when someone asks you something and you start to think that you can put an end to many of the horrors you have to deal with! Yes I an referring to that question that I am so scared of placing another bock on myself I do not want to mention it....YET!!! Of course as has always been the case the number of naught, which mysteriously includes a few numbers into the hundreds, will always force it to be posted and fur me to rant off about why it was so obviously wrong?! Lol!

I have had a couple of things through the post I have not got around to posting in with scans and on top of that I have yet to publish a fair few photos and videos too!

Sometimes I feel I need something from the Doctor to get me going some days as well as the Sodium oxybate to desk with the sleep issue. Also I read that use of Sodium oxybate was refused in America for use on Fibromyalgia sufferers, which just is not cricket!

Bah-humbug!

THE WAIT ON FAIRER WEATHER

Well the milder and drier weather did not last that long!

Dog gone it!! LOL!

It is Sunday and I have had another stab at doing some cleaning and clearing in the hope that one morning soon I can look at it and see that it would not take me long to finish it?! That is how I end up tackling my household chores. Also and as annoying as it has always been I now realise I am likely not alone in this?!

Ever since I stumbled upon Fibromyalgia every now and then I read something else that is so typically me, it has all felt rather uncanny in all honesty. In a nice and relieveing way too!

Only I now think how different things would have been had I known this ten years ago?! Things would be most certainly very different I assure you and being attacked and defrauded by bailiffs would most certainly not have happened?!

So as a result I have periods of the year I absolutely hate and those I absolutely love. Mind you in all honesty the one that I hate can have a positive effect on me. But it did not this year.

I have stated it from day one and that is I hate the winter and it feels as if I am imprisoned quite literally. This year has been the worst in a long time and despite people saying, well at least it did not snow, I always say that is typical of people that drive and take things for granted. I then explain that when it snows those of us confined to being on foot or bike do not get wet. Getting wet in the winter months is dreadful. There is also that tiny window in the temperature where you can get wet and the wind can be quite devastating. I am sure the poor members of the American public have been finding that one out! In more ways then one too?!

This there has been no snow this year in the UK in the south at all, despite being told umpteenth times there was a humongous amount coming. No we just had lots of bloody rain, wind and gloomy weather! Give me snow any day of the week! Even with wind too you can give me snow, though below about minus 8 centigrade it might not be too fun. As to the tempratures they have experienced in the US then oh no my word that would be a living nightmare.

What I love about the snow is how everything looks beautiful and as selfish as I sound there is far less traffic and noise! Something I have come to hate about London for a very long time and hence how I have spent years trying to escape it, still yet to actually make it out! Sod Escape from New York, try Escaping London?!

What is hilarious about this is that local government would love to hand things to you on a plate to get rid of you but this involves moving 200 miles away. You get your pick of anywhere except that it is all over 200 miles away?! Well ALMOST anywhere, lol.

Also the period is more troublesome for me and more painful as a result of all this. SO I await the fairer weather each Spring while at the same time paanicking about being fit enough to start escaping to my favourite haunts?! So trying to capitaluse I await breaks in the wather while it is still cold!

This is where I am at right now and I cannot remember s single time when glancing at the weather reports on my phone has been so bloody miserable! Lol! I also cannot remember a time when the Met Office in the UK has been so horribly wrong anywhere near as often as they have been the last year?!

If other Fibromyalgia sufferes have done the same thing as me and taken up cycling, if you can do that without pain then I really do envy you, they must all be doing the same thing?! Mind you their destination might be very different to mine and added to that to feel as I do they must also have been neglected and cast off by their local government and society as I have done.

I stated to a friend f mine just yesterday something that I found which I had forgotten to mention to him and I have done this a few times the last week. I stated that I had read that Fobromyalgia sufferers have difficulty being bored. Now oddly enough this makes me remember that when I mention ony of the symptoms the response can be 'Oh well but I get like that too!' to which I then realise they are simply not thinking. It is still that 'It is not a real condition!' kind of statement and it truly is a let down. I mean I could shoot anyone down in flames like that and make them look and feel really stupid.

Well of course everyone else feels like that but for Fibromyalgia sufferers it affects us more so than the average person and they should tey and think about that. I said to my friend that it states that we need to have things in the home to occupy ourselves and not only have I stated this for years it is what drives me every single day. I have stated within the pages of this blog that I even worry that if I acquire that which I want will the feelings end?!

Because it is NOT like that of others.

This is where the depression and the ansity side of it come into play and the boredom can lead to these and the whole thing can spiral out of control! Unless you have spent years in some of the worst places imagineable and survived to tell the tale?! Survived to show and help others and they need not be Fibromyalgia sufferers to be able to gain help from me. Like people like to remind me of the obvious when your trying to explain something is that we all suffer from these emotions and pains. But with Fibromyalgia it seems like its everything at once up to 18 hous a day and sometimes 24 hours a day too.

The simple fact is that if they listened instead of wanting to be the one speaking when its actually our story to tell they would realise that Fibromyalgia is down to two things...

1. The lack of proper sleep which can ONLY be put right with one drug in existence (I recently had someone else diagree and claim that other drugs can put me to sleep, umm NO but I do wish you were right, lol)
2. The scrambling up of the signals to the brain.

I can now list two things that can directly link to the above two and that it is these that non-sympathisers out there need to realise before openeing the floodgates...

1. You wake up every morning as if you have just run a marathon and everything is stiff, and I mean REALLY STIFF where your hobbling about!! Still feel tired too!
2. The scrambling of signals affects everything!! Think of it as like someone who is paralysed from the neck down. Now imagine the polar opposite of that where all the same partts can feel too much which can vary from ild discomfort to severe pain?!

Now with THAT in mind then you go and read the list of up 200 symptoms that Fibromyalgia sufferes have to deal with! In my case it numbers around the 120 mark and I do not know if this will be considered to be a sever case or not. However as about 20 or so of the symptoms and specifically for the female of the species I would say my count os fairly high, lmao!

Switching to the use of the bike each year does two things for me. I have to deal with different pains to that I get on foot but it is easier than on foot nevertheless. It also allows those pains I get on foot to get a break meaning that when I am it is less problematic.

Not gone, I wish, just less problematic! If they were gone I would be cycling about in the winter too, SOD THE SNOW AND ICE!! LMAO!

The pther thing is that I do suffer from SAD, seasonal affective disorder and I would imagine many Fobromyalgia sufferers do. But in the warmer weather and sunlight I am off into the wilderness during the day for hours on end and I do feel great comfort most of the time and with many reasons for it to!

I feel as if I have escaped and in all honesty ever since the bailiffs attacked me and defrauded me I do not like being in the house. Something ELSE I hate about the winter!!

However I have gotten fed up with telling friends 'oh this weather cannot last much longer? Surely in another week we will be out the other side of it?' and annoyingly I heard a few days ago that the cold was returning to the US?! I thought that this was bad as it was highly likely that if it did one of two things would happen...

1. The never ending downpurs would return or...
2. We would be frozen and buried in snow too?!

It is these things in meteorology that are difficult tp predict as the weather and wind that hit us was turbulence of warm and cols fronts. It may not have felt like it but the wind we was hit with was a damn site warmer than that in America! Now all that air shot north so would have cooled down a fair amount and I do not know how much warmer air is left and even if there is enough to blast us again or what the rations of warm and cold aire needs to be?!

I do not recall hearing anything in the last 24 hours regarding freezing temperatures in America so hope that this was a false alarm. However I have been told a coupld of times the last few days that they are predicting snow for the UK. So I assume that because people I know outside of the Internet told me this I can only assume that this was for London?

I have to admit that the mentioning of another way below zero blast of air in America or even here in the UK seems a bit weird as it is now officially Spring! I do know that it can snow right into late February but it is now the 2nd March and these have been predictions coming to me!

The reason I am pondering these things as I type is that the thought of going months before being able to get on my bike is....frightening! The thought of never getting to use it all all during 2014 would be catastrophic for me!

So I keep waiting, looking and keeping an ear out for some good news on the weather front, sorry bad pun. I dare say that I am joined by millions now awaiting this news?!

When I left the house yesterday I thought I was overdoing ot by putting fingeless gloves on as just a few days before I could not even wear a thin jacket without boiling up?! I was wrong and it felt so cold which was unsusal for me and I would not have been surprised at all if it had snowed.

If anyone says it is too cold to snow I will blow off a shed load of steam, let me tell you! LOL!

With a crap Sring and Summer I do not know where or how I am going to keep myself occupied and this is worrying for me?! However, maybe and it is a slim outside chance that the DWP and their new PIPs Department may decide to stop fecking around with me and do what they should have done four years ago?! NoTEN years ago when I first asked them, which was two years after finding it increasingly harder to walk?!

LOL! A chance would be a fine thing!

On another note on pain someone I know has a donation group going with making the invisibilty of pain visible to all. It seems to be Australian based so not sure if it can raise awareness with other countries, but HEY someone has to pioneer an idea like this to begin with, right?!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/chronicmeg/foggy-frog-and-the-pain-gang-making-the-invisible