FEELINGS OF FAILURES

Those that have come here since breaking my Twitter silence are probably unaware of a lot of things that do and have gone one.

If you thought that post was one hell of a horror story is does not contain it all and nore do I go into detail about the pain and suffering.

There are dozens of people involved in the story and around half a dozen each that could command a series of books in their own. Well .. at least one a piece. One will need more than one book just to themselves. None of these names involves my daughter or eve myself. Hence why a news media agent talked of TV, magazine and a book series. Nothing of the things he promised came to light and this was back in January.

Within six weeks our issues were going to be over. Later in the year we was having these series done on her story. But here we are a few weeks from September and not a single peep has been heard from the Joe the media agent or Take A Break's Julie Sidwell.

Today I did something I do not normally do and suddenly I was experiencing intense pain and as I wandered back to my regular park bench the phone rang.

It was my daughter who had called me earlier just prior to attending an appointment for her cancer. Her mother had agreed to look after the four children and once again the useless, evil and conniving mother had gone absent. Two operations had already been missed because of this behaviour and due to trying to incite violence I am sure she is hoping or trying to cause the death of my daughter. Like I said .. many books could be written just on one person alone.

I the end my daughter was forced to go around to her home but she did not answer the door. In desperation my daughter climbed through a window only to find her mother's partner. He did not even realise that his partner was not only not in the house but had her phone switched off. I am not lucky enough that the Police had finally figured out what she had done and she was on the run?

He agreed to look after the children and it was not until my daughter was at the hospital she suddenly wondered if she was having an operation or not?! A missing grandmother would cause a serious issue of this had turned out to be the case. It will when the operation comes around I assure you!

My daughter had to remain for something else and they asked her about her Trigeminal Neuralgia and seemed concerned at how bad and frequent it had become. They was also surprised that she had just been fobbed off with pills.

Then my daughter started sobbing and this occurring I have lost count of happening, just in the last six months alone.

“I don't know what I am going to do?!” she said as she cried.

From the way the Doctors were talking she thinks now that they know something and that something is going to happen to her.

I cannot explain the feelings of darkness at moments like this and the sheer feeling of being a failure as a father because time after time and year after year and for over twenty years the public services have failed. Failed then failed and then failed. To make matters worse it is not just the failig but these servants of the people and full of care for woman and children actually kick you in the nether regions while they are failing you.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had to listen to how she would be better off dead.

I do not care what anyone else says because they would be clearly naïve and/or incompetent to think that the public services do to act like this or treat people like this. Annoying as a search on YouTube alone would bring up hundreds of videos of people going through hell. Just not as many hells as the two of us have been through.

This is what makes it all the more strange as my daughter should get a massive amount of interest over the sheer number of heartbreak and the huge number of failures by so many involved.

Sometime I think this is why they either stay well away from us or promise us the Earth only to vanish at the eleventh hour.

All the time hoping for something to occur that would tell us that our suffering mentally and out physical pains would soon come to an end.

Maybe others think this is just too much and the men in black might come knocking at the door? I just do not know but it has been hard.

I had hoped that commenting in places on YouTube as I have now done for like a month and the last ten days plus of Tweeting on Twitter might get me some attention and I can put someone in contact with my daughter?

Maybe I have just not reached enough people yet?

I use my frustration and anger on all that I blame for this mooching around the Twitter streams all day and when I see someone who is acting and talking completely selfish over something hat is fuck all I am in there.

Oddly I could rip so many people new ones and throw around all kinds of insults and names but I refrain from doing that. Though I have plenty of reason to do so.

Rant-rant-rant self-self-self and I chime in, have a disagreement, get called a liar time after time and then throw in my link to my daughter's story. It either then gets fuck all comments, after screming about burkas or offense to others, or it gets talked down. One eve accused me of getting the story out of a story in a magazine. No, I replied, our story appeared in a fucking magazine but only around 0.5% of it!

Cancer sufferer, domestic abuse victim and repeated victim of child abuse with the most evil mother you could ever dream of as well as being sexually abused by your step-father aged 12. That is only the very worst of it and there are things I have not posted about for years that would very literally blow anyone away. Not mention it on blogs for several years. Certainly not mentioned it on Twitter because we was ignored so much I wondered if that element of the story was keeping people away?

So I am going to be in one of those dark places for a couple of weeks not and where I am also going to lose a load of belongings too. Past caring about those but I guarantee a load of crap I am going to have to sort out with the storage company as well as my bank. Yeah I really want to be doing that.

Help organisations have acted the same .. go to someone else, start talking like they are going to help and then tell you to go to someone else or say they are going to help, ask yo for your phone number when you have already provided it. Then they simply do not call you ever let alone when they say they are going to.

What can you do?

Hoping my ad revenue will be unfrozen but does not occur. Scrambled to get my photos onto sites like Alamy, Photofolio and Deviant Art hoping that someone would start buying them and I could build upon it.

Was supposed to do weekly series of YouTube videos but then they started messing around moving the goalposts on that too, screwing a load of people over. For political reasons is what everyone says.

I do have a habit of trying several things simultaneously because so many things have failed in the past.

Fantastic country I was born into that has just got better and better over my nearly fifty years.

God help my grandchildren!

I was called a modern day Robin Hood? Not doing very well at that job, am I?

Annnd I have just bee told that the broadband Internet in the building, which has been off for five or six days, is not coming back on for another nine?!

Nine .. fucking days? Has anyone even heard of anything like that? Mobile data been playing up, Wifi in park has issues.

The person who has the account with Virgin Media is going into meltdown and was as I left the house. Told the guy on the phone that in all my years I have never heard anything like it, Even from Virgin Media and I need to check to see if anyone else has issues in the area?

THE ANONYMOUS Q

Well this one has been popping up in titles on YouTube videos of late.

One was with Lionel Nation but he talked as if the viewer already knew what it was and not being an American I couldn't quite follow.

Anyway .. a few days later there was a video by someone called Black Pilled or something? Not familiar with the author but thought I'd give it a look.

Boy it's damn hot today here in the UK.

Anyway he explained it briefly and I thought, hell this is something I should look into.

Now I've been trying to get my own stories that go back ten years and some as far as twenty into the news for fecking years. To, surprisingly, no avail.

I recently discovered that a lead singer in an old band that used to sit outside my old flat talking to mates has been going through something similar.

Same subject of paedophiles but we are both at different ends of the spectrum.

Except we've both had, or tried to, contact the same individuals as well as the same organisations. Listening to him explain it was kinda .. well .. spooky!

His name is Brian Harvey and his band is East 17, named after an area in East London called Walthamstow where my family lived for like thirty years. Not any longer though. Although I'm not that far away presently, just a single bus ride.

So this Q Anon thing seems to mention the same kinds of things but in America. I took a look on Twatter and the tweets are full of all kinds of things ..

Namely paedophilia going on in politics, so to my surprise the pizzagate name rears it's head once again.

Also going on in Hollywood, now referred to by most as Hollyweird.

This QAnon thing though. I got my hopes up once before over the .. other Anonymous who have gone silent and had many impersonators pop up. This time they are promising all kinds of things going down?!

Is this for real?!

I've now told someone that each time I get a name I think I can trust I go and see a report somewhere by someone showing that they cannot be trusted.

Even with this new .. group I wonder if it's not some secret government thing to distract us .. divide and conquer or even route out your biggest enemies?

Probably not a good idea to comment on it but then I don't think I come close to being anyone's biggest enemy?!

But then considering what has happened, my current situation. The fact that all financial help had been cut off. The fact that I'm homeless right now and lost £20k plus. Maybe I am?

They've been going after my daughter and grandchildren too and even my daughter has gone from thinking I'm mad to a believer. Only took ten years.

We don't think we will be alive for very much longer and if we are not bumped off our health conditions are likely to kill us.

We also often talk about how death seems the only way to stop the pain and suffering.

Yeah it's that bad.

In the UK people throw themselves off motorway bridges in what seems like a weekly event. Near my daughter it seemed to happen once a month, Birkenhead if you want to check. Someone in Newcastle claimed it happens once a week there.

It's been known for a long time, called Calum's List, that over 130,000 people had committed suicide since 2011. Except that figures been used in the House of Commons yet several years ago that's what the number was. So it's not only out of date but not even close.

Outcome out action? None.

It's a been reported that the health service have caused a similar amount of deaths. Action and outcome? None.

That leaves a large number of other public services out there and God knows if there is anything else like this.

In recent times it's been claimed by some that this is a deliberate culling of the most vulnerable people. Disabled people and it certainly appears that way.

Of course all this affected remain bind, point the fingers are the wrong people and remain far too politically correct.

I'll have to add some tweets and YouTube videos about the QAnon stuff at the bottom.

So I've been fighting the system since before the financial crisis started. But I'm running out of energy, options and .. effectively .. road!

For the longest time I kept thinking it will end in six months time but never did. I'd get some evidence I thought would end it but it never did. I'd find out some scientific and health facts I thought would end it and guess what happened? Nothing.

Yet I see them bending over backwards to help people on TV and it's all bullshit. Fake.

You get adverts with fucking celebs that only exist to make themselves look good while asking others with 1% of what they have to help others. So making themselves look good while they don't have to do anything themselves. Great. Each had enough to feed a third world country for a whole fucking year. But we have to do it for them? What's even more infuriating is people but this garbage?! Jesus!

Yeah so I understand it fully when I see others on YouTube or Twatter that get angry with others and claim they are blind, naive and stupid.

Even if nothing else it must be noted how odd it is, evidence aside, that this is being said in most European countries, the UK and the USA .. does body think this is more than a coincidence? 

Hollywood being a massive paedophile ring when it seems that every other week something is coming out from people involved?

Just the other day I saw a self made video of a Hollywood actor, not familiar to me, who claimed that there is way more shit going on in Hollywood than even the biggest conspiracy theorists theorise?!

Odd because that's how it's claimed to be right here in the UK.

I wonder if we're going to start hearing similar things in each of the countries in Europe?

It's always easy to have doubts though. You think it would be hard to keep a lid on anything especially if the whole world is constantly looking in?

• Be this UFO abductions ..
• Hollywood paedophile rings ..
• Or anything else, tinfoil here required or otherwise?

I mean I sometimes see actions and have recently that suggest a tin-foil hey theory might be going on ..

First they attend years storing food plant seeds before starting on all other seeds.

Then increases in planetary activity takes place for all the see but gets denied. Volcanic and seismic activity.

Weather hottest and driest it's ever been?

But if there was something coming you know they just wouldn't tell you. They simply wouldn't.

Because .. just as they have always managed to do they have failed to prepare.

So they might need to build massive underground cities or .. massive submarines, aka film 2012, or even giant spacecraft, space stations or cities in the moon to live in until it's all over.

Now if something was coming do you think people withdraw carry on working to pay then taxes to save themselves? Do you think they would actually work on these things not intended to save the lives of the workers? No .. they would not. I fecking wouldn't!

So yeah .. they wouldn't tell you anyway.

Funny how they talk about others have self-entitlement issues and they are the absolute worst.

Oh yeah and the news report that the UK is stockpiling both food and medicine doesn't look good either and but does the excuse as to why they are doing this.

Oh yeah and let's not forget about the sudden announcements of spaceports?! Something like half a dozen or more just in the UK alone?! Weird.

There's tens of thousands of satellites orbiting the Earth and they have moaned about all this junk for years ..

With everything everyone had put to there already so you really believe they need half a dozen launch pads in the small country of the UK to send to more?!

Think of all the land Russia, America and China has.

Now I'm into astronomy and I've wanted to see man go to Mars and a laboratory on the Moon for years. Ever since I was a kid.

But then NASA suddenly reveals its plan to build a base on the surface of the Moon within ten years?

I was like "Err where the feck did that come from?!"

So after spending years thinking how late we are at doing these things that suddenly gets announced.

Yeah and all these privileged people and their luxury lives have what it takes to survive and help the human race continue on? Lol.

In fact I've already covered this and if QAnon come out with details about some secret plan anything like I quoted of be over the moon ..

.. until I remembered that ..

• A comet we coming or ..
• An asteroid was coming or ..
• An ice age was coming or ..
• The world was about to have a global drought or ..
• An epidemic was about to sweep the globe or ..
• Continental Shift was about to take place .. or ..
• Magnetic flip was about to take place .. or ..
• Nuclear War was about to take place .. or ..
• The nearby star was about to go supernova and bathe the Earth in deadly Gamma rays and other cosmic radiation.

Long list isn't it?

Probably missed one or two?

One things for certain and absolutely nobody can deny this ..

There is a whole long list of some very bizarre things going on in the world right now.

It's not even confined to just one or two countries either. But seemingly everywhere.

It's one big giant distraction. But if it's intended then you have to ask, by who and .. why?

I'm often stating to people, even those I've only just met, like this is all intended to turn society against one another. I always get a raised eyebrow and agreement from that. Because it's something they had not considered previously.

What scares me is if either my daughter or I ever come across a miracle to save our own personal nightmares affecting is currently .. will we just exchange this for another inevitable nightmare that is widespread doom?

Good God I need a beer!

It is like living the film The Purge .. only in that death would be a lot quicker and probably with a lot less suffering and pain. I am guessing? 

It has been bad enough already, certainly enough to self-harm and God knows how bad things will get before it is all over?! I effing dread to think! I only need to grow the gonads one time to see that through .. to the proverbial end.

Asked all those you can think of for help and guess what? One of the worst cases of mental health problems due to two sets of the worst circumstances and victims of some of the worst crimes and conspiracies and .. nothing.

I wonder who the fuck actually gets any help in the UK and what all these people receiving money actually fucking do?! All of them!

Here is a Wikipedia page regarding Qanon but please bear in mind that despite where you hear it from. especially mainstream media, not everything is as it first appears ..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QAnon

Qanon's Twitter Page ..

https://twitter.com/qanon76 ..

I think? I do not know a great deal about this person or group.

Wish I could come into contact with a group like this in the UK .. hell, yeah. If only?

THE FOCUSED MIND

Was trying to read about metallic hydrogen.

Good God, the human mind is a temperamental beast!

It's so hard to do anything when your mind is constantly being torn in different directions.

It's also impossible to get to grips with this when you have seemingly impossible hurdles that are numerous and a thousand things racing through your mind.

I was given a film weeks ago and the other day I was asked if I had watched it ..

"The blu-ray player hasn't even been plugged in for three months now!" I replied.

We talked about music too and I forget if I mentioned but .. I found my music player I haven't seen for more than six months in a place of checked three times or more?! Yeah .. as I said .. the mind is a God damn pain in the arse in my case and for many reasons. In to the next bit ..

I told them that lately I was not calm or relaxed enough to even enjoy music. Christ I have a hard enough time even focusing on a simple short TV episode!

Gaming?! Yeah .. forget it!

What I do manage to do but I end up giving up is uploading photographs of mine to try and sell. But this in itself is a long, laborious and in my opinion, unfair process. It's also a very bad process in each case. Oh I'm sure the hosts think they are professional, are doing it right and their websites are great? But .. no!

In fact I got very almost completely rejected by one site who only approved one single solitary photo out of two dozen. Umm .. the one photo accepted was the one photo I was sure would be rejected?!

That was Adobe Stock, formerly Folio, and to be fair because of the lower pay I thought I could get away with photographs I wasn't so keen on myself. Turned out neither were they. I was just thinking about having a wider selection of photos across several sites. Well .. three sites in actual fact.

I was curious about the rejection and the reasons sooo .. I thought I would put something to the test?

I picked photos that have been accepted by a site many place at the top of their lists. I wondered if the two sites might treat the photos differently? If they did then you know I'm going to have to ask why this is?!

I wondered, after being even further down about it all day a few days back, if I was going to the wrong sites?

I post process many pictures to make something look interesting. I might add softness on rare occasions, normally flowers. I mostly go for different tones in a black and white image. Sometimes I go artistic by posterising the picture. If I play around and don't like it then I don't convert it to a jpeg.

Maybe when I do this they are no longer classes as photos? I was rather surprised none insisted on uploading the original RAW file too.

I did start trying to look for sites that sell illustrations and artistic pictures though I can't see my post-processed pictures falling into either category. I also was having focus and anxiety issues and gave up after a few minutes. My fingers were having difficulties touching the damn touchpad again too.

To be honest and I thought that after my last outing getting photographs that I would have had two or three days out by now but I haven't.

Well this is to do with my health and those health conditions being aggravated by the public services. Intentional or otherwise.

In fact so many things seem to happen at just the wrong time that even my daughter now believes it is all by design.

In fact she realises it's just like this with her too now and has been for a long time.

She's sorry she didn't believe and trust me ten years ago. Two of her friends have said that since I returned to London.

Each of us having a horrific life story to tell which combined .. blows many stories out of the water.

The shear suffering, actions against us, the longevity of this whole thing and the fact that children are suffering too. So bad was it that many didn't believe it for many years. In some cases many, many years.

Yet we both at our worst points right now and with something going on for days I know no details about it's .. pretty .. bad.

I didn't eat again last night .. still no idea what I weigh currently but I saw my hip bone sticking out while lying on my side. That's a first .. I think.

My heart is playing it's tricks and my anxiety is doing it's thing too.

What was I doing and saying? Ooh yeah, metallic hydrogen. Interesting stuff if I could focus on the more complex parts of the damn report!

Good God I really, really hate feeling like this. I am not able enough to do many things. Have too many things to do. Can't god damn remember half the time. It would be easier and a lot more peaceful if I just died.

I do have someone to ring for help, though I very much doubt I'll get the correct help?

But I've not been able to make that call because there's been a real and present danger of something happening out of the blue. I just do not know what that is.

This might mean I have no choice but to travel and I'm fucking scared about that. Talking just around London here too, as stupid add that sounds.

I also think about how little help I've had, despite the promises, and that if I'm getting worse what will the future be like even in just five years?

Fucking terrifying is what.

At times like these, which sadly is most days, you get the odd flutter in the chest but every now and then it's .. boom!

In fact there's even different types of 'boom' that go on with my heart.

• One I'm sure it's caused by Anxiety
• One I'm sure it's caused by Tachycardia
• One I'm sure it's caused by Palpitations

If they aren't bad enough the sudden lack of energy is even worse. If you've ever been any sort of athlete and also experienced hitting that physical wall then it's just like that. Your legs just don't want to work and regardless of where you are you just want to lay down. Here where I currently am it's impossible to go absolutely anywhere and just lay down.

I use to know that living in the countryside would help me a great deal with my symptoms, not to mention my photography. Now it seems like an unreachable necessity.

Though after recent incidents I'm still not even sure if I'd cope?!

And that's just a tiny insight into what scrambles my brain on a daily basis.

Made worse by the stupid, naive and purely moronic suggestions I get off people on how to deal with this.

Many fail to see the issues. Some fail to see you can't fight chemicals out of balance biologically or health conditions.

They think there is some magic switch which is exactly the way the powers that be in this country want them to think.

It's also why a quarter of a million people have died and continue to die.

That's the hardest part for me. All those deaths and the attitudes are still 'fuck you' more or less.

Yeah well if that's your attitude give me fecking pill to end it humanely.

That way your saving money .. oh no wait I don't fucking receive any money. At all!

Yeah because I'm sure me disappearing and my blogs ceasing will allow them to sleep better at night.

Well .. saying that in discovering a lot of people trying to go after the real truths and publish and talk about them just as I've been doing? So maybe they might sleep just a little bit better than they did previously if I disappeared overnight?

DYING INSIDE

Right now I feel like I am literally dying ..

.. though I am really tempted to speed up the process!

I really did not want to even type this out but what ails me may in time help others?

I am on the verge of losing my belongings .. what there is left of them. Not all of them but most of them and on top of this I may be losing my bank accounts too.

My anxiety is through the roof and my mind feels like it wants to tear right down the middle and into two.

I have also found out that my daughter was supposed to have an operation last year on a hernia that can get strangulated and cause Gangrene?! Not done because her mother let her down looking after the children and there is no one else. Think that is bad?

Well it happened again recently over an operation for my daughter's cervical cancer!

Also she has been under investigation for stealing from someone .. close to home .. also reported by her own siblings as it turns out.

But this is the person that the authorities keep insisting is a wonderful person and can be relied upon year after year .. after year.

It very literally feels to both my daughter and me like things have been plotted against us for us to fail and even for us to commit suicide. Articles in Love It and Take A Break Monthly magazines recently only show two parts of my daughter's horrific life that total a few dozen parts. We really thought and were told that this would lead us onto other things .. but now starting to think it was a tokenism gesture by someone to shut us up for awhile longer? Two people and two offers and neither of them were followed through.

So basically my time has run out and my own difficulties alone run into the dozens and this is just too much to take and it just keeps getting prolonged.

No money being paid in either means that I will run out of the most stupid things and other things that keep some pretty bad pain and death at bay.

Also and when my anxiety is like this I have three things that either occur or increase ..

• Heart Palpitations
• Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs
• Sudden disappearance of energy that makes walking excruciating or impossible
• That does not include many other things besides but are the main ones

I want to walk in front of a bus right now but do not want my daughter to be told her father has died, what with everything she has going on.

At the same time I have been wondering how much the human mind can take before .. it ruptures?

My situation is also impossible as no one seems to realise, care or are too wrapped up in their own issues to be able to do anything or help. Though I am not sure how they can help to be honest with you. But when your like this you just hope there is someone out there to help .. somewhere?

So I fear that I will end up like some really crazy person, in a padded cell somewhere rocking back and forth?!

I cannot get really far and for weeks all I have managed is a park over the road and within a few hundred yards of the bottom of a hill in Waltham Abbey, which was not without difficulties.

I just want to feel normal again and take photographs and post-process a few hundred photographs I have been unable to do. Monday and Tuesday just gone there should have been 200 to 300 photographs uploaded. God knows when I will get around to doing that, if at all.

I had also come across the idea of uploading some to a sight that sells photographs for you, called Alamy, but that went wrong. Supposed to upload three but something went wrong with the third one and then it would not allow me to send the third.

But then there is the worry of what will happen if I lose my bank account?

If I do will I ever be able to get another bank account?

I had tried to reach out to other people in the hope of getting interest in out stories, though mainly my daughter's. In the hope that exposing what the public services were doing that at least her nightmare might end? But to no avail ad when you get like this you seriously get angry and disappointed with the fact you have gone to everyone you can think of and they basically tell you to fuck off, move along or send you off to someone else you know is going to say the exact same thing.

It appears that even with something afflicting you that can be potentially fatal .. or just tear your mind in two gets you now help or sympathy whatsoever.

Kind of crazy then that Swedish civilians spend thousands and even tens of thousands of pounds travelling dozens of miles to collect up and patrol streets so that the people there can feel safe?

I think I would pass out if I ever saw groups in the UK doing this?

There is also the issue of not being able to buy the magnesium and vitamin B pills as this will cause a lot of pain before eventually leading on to my death. Not a way I want to go to be honest!

God I just wish this torture would end one way or another!

EDIT: I am even worried about losing the use of my phone only in that my daughter wont be able to ring me and have someone to talk to?! It has got a fault with the screen and does exhibit some odd behaviour.

THE BASE IS BEHCET'S?

I have recently discovered that half my symptoms, one of two very long lists, are down to something called Behcet's Disease.

My daughter was diagnosed with this and she realised upon hearing it that I had it too, as I had been pressing her to get a diagnosis and had to keep on at this because her GP s, just like more than six I spoke to, fobbed her off. She was even told she would be referred to a Fibromyalgia specialist and that never arrived, or to be more precise has not from being told she was referred in October or maybe November 2017 to date. Today's date is the 12^th May 2018.

I had never previously heard of the condition before but when I read the list of things it causes all I could think was “Oh .. my .. GOD?!”

I had only very recently discovered that these same useless and so called health professionals had also not informed me of something else.

After refusing to admit that one condition can cause numerous symptoms, stating it was most assuredly impossible, they then tried very hard not to confirm my self-diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. They were unsuccessful.

Then when it was time to get serious because I had very high blood pressure which skipped over to a Hypertensive Crisis from Hypertension Stage 2 from time to time they were quick to put that down to the Fibromyalgia they had previously refused to admit to.

Then when I had complained several times about night cramps and severe pains in my thighs most days they put this down to a low magnesium level and told me to buy my vitamin pills form an expensive store .. Holland & Barrett. Oddly they just told my daughter to do the same a few days back! Must have some contract with Holland & Barrett?

However they failed to tell me that low magnesium screws up many other things some of which I was already suffering from, like anxiety attacks for instance! In fact there was a long list of symptoms I had been experiencing that looked like they were down to this .. like my heart palpitations and chest issues?! Yeah I had even been fucking sent all over the place for stupid tests that found nothing and I stumble across the fact that it could be down to something they knew damn well I already had. The low magnesium .. only .. this time it looked like the supplements were failing to work in these instances?

I text my daughter because she has many of my symptoms, along with cervical cancer, who called me up and she said “Dad, your joking right?!” turns out she had just had results from a blood test and they told her that her magnesium was low and should buy pills from Holland & Barrett?! This is a GP Surgery 250 miles away and yet just like mine in London she gets told to go to Holland & Barrett?! Does this not strike you as a bit odd?

Now all these other pills and treatments they are going to refuse? What do you think the odds are that everyone will now get told to go to Holland & Barrett?!

Two days after this my head is still spinning from the realisation I have been deliberately fucked about and lied to yet again, lying by omission, when I get a text from my daughter pleading for me to call her and that she has been diagnosed with Behcet's Disease. Never heard of it.

I look up this Behcet's Disease and when I see the symptom list I cannot believe what I am seeing on the webpage before me. I click on half a dozen webpages to cross-reference just as I always do as I am always the one to tell others not to believe everything you read on the Internet. I am a stickler for facts and not one looking for what I want to hear. I know a lot of people that like hearing what they want to hear .. I really do! I am so .. not like that. I want to know the facts! Guess that is the scientist and analytical mind in me. There on these webpages is a list that covers almost the other half of the things I experience. More or less almost everything that cannot be linked to the low magnesium is in this list.

All that is .. except for the right knee issue which was spotted by Guy's Hospital as a separate and physical issue that then disappeared from my medical records .. though the knee issue is still there. Or at least it is on letters I have had from previous GPs I have had. Would be posted on here too, way back at some point. It even has my right eye irritation and I think it said something about back pain too? Though I was told by a chiropractor in Waltham Abbey that this was collapsed discs.

So I was talking to my daughter who now finally realises the truth I have been trying to get through to her and one that several close friends of hers believes only too well now too. That the NHS is corrupt, lies through its teeth and lies about patients health to save themselves and the government along with local councils and the DWP money.

If this was not bad enough they are now infuriated about the other .. aspects of this shocking truth .. they all get paid. They all get paid tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands each year so that the government can save a few thousand a year in payouts to stop people and families from starving to death .. while standing behind you with a proverbial whip to force you to go to work.

That would be bad enough in of itself but we are talking about sick and disabled people now and many with children too!

So tonight my daughter asked me ..

“Dad? You gave had these symptoms for years. I cannot believe that they did not diagnose you with this years ago?!”

I still have some research to do but I automatically thought that like everything else .. this must be a result of the Fibromyalgia and so intended to look for a link. Only I did not need to as only the second webpage I pulled up mentions Fibromyalgia on it. As I mostly skim read things anyway there is a chance that the first page mentioned Fibromyalgia too?

I did a little more research tonight and I found another webpage that seems to suggest that things might be the other way around? That Fibromyalgia might stem from Behcet's Disease?

Let us review ..

• Bechet's Disease
  • Skin issues going back twenty six years
  • Joints maybe as much as thirty years - ankles
  • Hearing issues twenty years plus
  • Eye Issue around ten years
  • Mouth Issues over fifteen years

• Fibromyalgia
  • Main one was feet .. fourteen years ago – ankles, joints, were way before this
  • Asked about for 13 years before discovering Fibromyalgia
  • Refused to admit I had it
  • Within five minutes of being diagnosed, figuratively speaking, I had high blood pressure and they were THEN quick to blame it on Fibromyalgia and once again refuse to refer me .. messing me about with Ramipril and Amlodopine and it is still high to this day

• Low Magnesium
  • Diagnosed around 2014-15
  • Told to buy Vit ABC+ by Dr Andrew Theivendra of The Town Surgery in Enfield
  • No mention of affects on anxiety, heart palpitations or other things
    • Despite being dragged kicking and screaming, I did not want to go, to A&E several times

Ugh!

I did think about putting down a list of all symptoms along with the rough time each one started along with the longevity but it was .. daunting .. and overwhelming and would take a long time!

There have been in excess of 270 symptoms ranging from one offs, ones that occurred years ago but not lately, ones that appear from time to time, those more frequent and those that are more or less permanent.

I also struggled to think of what this would achieve. It would not help others that might be in this predicament, though by all accounts Behcet's Disease is pretty rare in itself. To have this along with Fibromyalgia, Hypertension Stage 2 and low magnesium must be very, very rare.

Let us not forget the damaged right knee either.

I had previously understood, from research, that all of the symptoms were from the fact that Fibromyalgia causes a lack of restorative sleep.

Restorative sleep is a deep sleep whereby the brain does all its clearing or say .. memory and all its detoxification and repairs, like muscles. Since discovering Fibromyalgia four years ago that is how I have understood it.

However .. after reading about Behcet's Disease and all the things it causes, low magnesium levels and all the things that causes I am starting to wonder if all this stuff with Firbomyalgia and non-restorative sleep was just guess work?!

I can only ever do research and cross-reference when it is not my field or do not have the necessary equipment to reach a factual conclusion.

I am in a place that is not that good and after all this while I had thought .. no, I had hoped that before now enough things would have been exposed to stop all this crap. But apparently not and so I have kept on going.

Except I not only find myself in a place now where I cannot nor do I want to continue but I find my daughter is also in the same place as me and I find it staggering.

Discovering what she has been through both in the distant and recent past, present and the future will shock the most hardened person to their core. All but the most amoral of people, that is.

She is not homeless .. but they are working on that, despite not being in a suitable home anyway. I can tell you that I KNEW she had my Fibromyalgia as she has most of my symptoms and a few I do not have. Fobbed off over that. Had two children diagnosed with Autism but then had an about face over that, with a letter that proves they decided the outcome before even meeting the children. Also has blood clots, or a blood clot. Cervical cancer, you had better believe it.

Domestic violence against her where the abuser was going to get..

• Ten years and then Deported
  • Now not even a year out soon
  • Social Services backing abusers rights to access to his children
    • Threatened to throw one out of a window
  • Will get housed
  • Not being deported
  • Phoned and harrassed my daughter from prison
  • Was on the front cover of an edition of the Liverpool Echo

Yeah .. you had better believe it.

She got no help.

I got stabbed in the back over my health repeatedly.

I was then going to set up a business, promised help and then stabbed in the back over that and all help retracted. Just a couple months before finding out about my daughter's domestic violence.

I then moved to help my daughter without sorting out the wounds in my own back, risking my own health which then later suffered because ..

Help I was expecting both of us to get because my four grandchildren, Autism of two of them, daughter's FMS, blood clots, domestic violence and cervical cancer and my own FMS, high blood pressure and heart issues .. NOTHING!

I then had a breakdown which they failed to realise was part of a chemical unbalance I had told them for fucking years I had, had! Compounded by the lack of help.

Yet when it comes to everyone else .. we seem to live in a leftist society? Not from our point of view we do not! Just run by people that like it to appear that they are left wing but they are most certainly not. Especially when it comes to money and support they are not.

EDIT: It is funny as I have just remembered something. The one thing about Behcet's Disease I read, that I did not experience or though I had not, are these ulcers you get. I could not recall experiencing anything like this so I did not mention it .. until ..

Just the other day I was talking about insect bites and there was this one time in my house in Enfield when I felt this sudden pain get stronger and stronger and stronger. At first I thought I was being bitten by a Mosquito but after it reached the point I was leaping off my sofa I thought it must be a Horsefly? Only there was no Horsefly to be found in the house and it had never happened before or since .. as far as I can recall.

I ended up with a small crater in my lower leg and some swelling.

EDIT 2: It just gets better as just like low magnesium this Bechet's Disease has its own way of killing you ..

Behçet’s disease (BD) is a rare but severely debilitating vasculitis, which typically manifests as mucocutaneous disease with orogenital ulcers and skin lesions;¹ however, involvement of the musculoskeletal system, eye, nervous system, gastrointestinal tract, vascular beds, urogenital tract and cardio-pulmonary system can lead to significant morbidity and mortality. - http://www.clinmed.rcpjournal.org/content/17/1/71.full

https://fibromyalgianewstoday.com/2017/05/10/fibromyalgia-more-common-in-people-with-certain-diseases-compared-to-general-population/

BRAIN DEAD

And I'm not talking about the victim here .. I'm talking about the DWP!!

They declared a man fit for work who has an incurable brain tumour?!

You know it's getting way beyond suspicious now. Way beyond.

Where is the constant investigation and reporting by journalists on the TV news? No, I only ever get these national tabloid reports that everyone had joked about not buying anymore for years now.

Just to add .. of course having something terminal couldn't possibly have any effect on one's mental health?!

Food for thought.

It's funny really I'm tempted to say that the way Tories treat each other, mostly, are you surprised that they treat us like this?

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/dwp-pip-brain-tumour-benefits-fit-for-work-parkinsons-mental-health-gp-a8334511.html

POINTS OF BREAKAGES

I do not know how to start.

Despite the fact that it's not going to be very long .. for once.

I have these .. all too fleeting periods. Periods where I'm not in several difficulties in one period or not a series of other difficulties in another.

One is where I'm very low and feel like my head and my heart are pulling apart at the seams. It's something very difficult to describe in all levels.

The other is where I'm .. angry .. at everything .. inside. Because I've been to those dark places during several separate periods for varying lengths of time. Angry with all those responsible for my predicament as well as those that make my predicament even harder. When they should know to be more supportive and not selfish, egotistical, jobs-worthy, blind and all manner of other things.

It's been the former for the majority of the last twenty four hours plus and I kind of thought it would have dissipated this morning. Not so far.

Then there are those fleeting .. periods. Periods that I want to remain in. But I struggle to and I'm not anywhere near close to right now. I normally try to do the things I think will get me outta my current situation. My current .. pressures. That's because this is the only way that I can see of achieving this.

But then there's the tiredness .. which makes it harder or impossible.

So it's body, head, heart and as well as all that they're is this good forsaken tiredness.

The body is several in just pain alone.

Head is .. several.

Heart is a couple.

I imagine seeing two pieces of leather strips together being pulled apart and the stitching unraveling because the pressure is too great.

I often think that if there was a God it would be far, far more humane if I was just struck by lightning. Put out of my never ending misery, so to speak.

Each time some organisation comes along and screws things up either directly or by not doing anything at all. It's weird, laughable and wildly annoying all at the same time. Then after awhile you manage to scrape or fight your way out of it with very little, can't think of any .. ever, or no help. But after varying amounts of time and often when you least expect it you end up back in that place again.

In the end you just start thinking, what's the point?

My own sister said something odd and .. kind of eye opening yesterday while talking on the phone. She was asking me what the current situation was with my daughter's cervical cancer when she said the following ..

"If I was to tell people everything that has happened to you and your daughter .. they simply wouldn't believe me"

That statement tells you more than you probably realise. Yes .. it states she thinks it's utterly incredible and unthinkable but ..

She refuses to tell anyone about us? Because she would be embarrassed? Because they would think that she was lying?!

She wants to try writing a blog about it all!

Then what you have left is people in possession of boxing gloves, spades, binoculars and over inflated egos.

Then chuck in loneliness along with memory problems and you can find yourself cowering in your room in the corner of your current bed. Hoping that your heart stops playing games with you and just .. stops.

Kind of what I'm doing right now and have been for twenty four hours.

Oh how I pray for an end to the endless torment.

THE ATTACKS RETURN

I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I've had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn't a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn't know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn't good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn't believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I've also been in a whole series of dark places I'm trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it's always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I'm only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don't own and my car was here for two days .. I didn't hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else's problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she's not interested in. One recipient has already said "If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!"

She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn't though and wasn't bothered about it and still isn't.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it's complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn't believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn't know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I'm still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it's still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I've also been contacting people since I've been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don't care .. and that we don't care.

Because she doesn't see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven't told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won't get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that's actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it's called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren't interested in looking it up and because it doesn't mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn't exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don't because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it's because .. she doesn't ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn't ask how others in the family are.

This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

• We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
• We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen

For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. "You do know about *****, don't you?" and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ's sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said "I don't care about the law and you don't take no notice if it either!"

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me .. 

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven't got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.

NIGHT AFTER THE NIGHTMARE

Well that has not gone well.

I did not get to sleep until quite late and after the daze I was originally in I started to come out of it but not to a place I wanted to.

I had thought that the daze I was seemingly in might mean that I would not enter the all too familiar crisis stage. However I had forgotten that I had held onto some diazepam and had taken one shortly before that court hearing. So I had fooled myself into thinking I would emerge OK from the stunned shock I was in.

Last night as it was getting later it became obvious that I was going to emerge in a state I was not going to like. I had hoped to go to sleep and that maybe with the sleep I would wake up on the other side of this state but I was having more and more trouble sleeping. Until sometime after 2am when I finally did sleep. Though Fibromyalgia sufferers do not actually sleep in the true sense, yet something else that did not get asked about nor mentioned yesterday. It is 7.13am currently but I have been awake for around 2 hours and been trying to watch YouTube videos on subjects I enjoy but … simply have no interest.

I also seem to have this searing pain in my hip area … more like a very intense … ache. I seem to recall having this in the past, I do not know what it is and I have done nothing to have caused any aching or pain of any kind.

Good God. I really do not know what to do with myself or what I will do with myself today. It is a Saturday and I have one option for the day and it is not a good one and also not one I can conceivably choose. So really I have zero options.

I do fee like I am on the edge of another deep crisis. I had made some plans to counter this but they have yet to play out, not heard from Mind about my first appointment and probably be weeks away when I do. I have someone else going to speak to me next Tuesday but that is next Tuesday.

I am disappointed that I woke up. Been a very long time since I last felt like that, or at least that strongly about being disappointed I am still alive.

I also simply cannot get over the vast contrast to a year ago and there is a galaxy of space between the two.

Hmm I actually think its my glutes that are aching and not the area of my thighs, or at least an area somewhere between the two?

I have been reminded in the last 12 hours that if there is indeed a continuation of the human soul beyond death that I do not EVER want to come back. I will fight kicking and screaming if I am forced to.

I have tried doing a search to see if there is anywhere you can admit yourself too in case things go from bad to worse? It is surprising how little there is out there that does anything more than calling someone up and talking down the phone.

Jesus how are things this bad?

I do wonder about those … others affected with mental illness that are pushed to drastic measures of self harm and wonder what the transition is from self harm and doing something worse? Is it a big chasm or a small step? For some reason that has been playing on my mind since last night. I have had some thoughts about that next step and I wonder what it would take?

I have been here in the past and wished I had the guts and wonder what it would take to acquire them?

You just so much want to flick that switch to the off position and that is what I find as one serious fault to the human body and mind. Or you could also see it as a massive problem with the society you live in too? That people can make decisions that make you feel this bad without giving a crap and all normally because of money. Power too at times.

The funny thing is that, I don't think I mentioned it, but two days before the court appearance I was making up a page of screenshots of my blogs to talk about at the hearing I never bothered to mention when I noticed something. What is funny about it is that it was a little ray of light or hope but I just keep thinking too little too late.

As I looked at the actual blogs as they appear to others I noticed something. Two small adverts on some of the pages on my Blogger blogs? I found this odd as I thought I had taken all the adverts off my blogs over a year ago? I wondered whether or not Google insist on having some ads on there with the excuse of needing money to manage the servers? I do now know.

Then I thought 'well if they have been on there all this time then they must have accumulated some money?' so clicked on the earnings tab and got a little bit of a surprise if I am honest. It was heading for £50. I would have been surprised if it was half that.

I remember thinking how annoying this was as I had predicted that another year to eighteen months I might have actually started to get some small monthly amount, or every other month? Which is why I found the DWP's recent actions so bloody frustrating. I even said to a couple of people I know that if only they had held off for another year losing a percentage of my money, again, would not hit me so badly.

Though to be honest to counter precisely what I am about to lose I would need six times that figure paid every month. Puts into sharp contrast how hard it is for bloggers and YouTubers everywhere.

So no, it does not really help the current situation.

So your in a situation where you want to do stuff … but you don't want to do stuff. You want to watch things … but you don't want to watch things. You want to go and see people … but you don't want to go and see people. Funny this as the problem are respectively that you just want to whither and die, you just cannot get into things or enjoy things and you do not want to be a burden on anyone.

I am old enough and wise enough to see that many people have problems especially today and so I find it funny when you find a website to do with having a crisis and they tell you to phone a family member or friend!

I read that as “Go burden someone else with your problems while we get paid”.

Like a little conversation I had recently about how many bodies and charities there are out there but that no one actually does anything. I was speaking about this with my diabetes friend and I asked him if he was a member of any diabetes charities to which he replied, yes. I then asked him what they had done for him in all the years he suffered with diabetes and he paused for a moment and said “well nothing really” and I think he said something about a newsletter?

Yes because news letters make such a profound difference to your life.

I wonder if I could get to Google's Deep Mind facility I could ask them to install a kill switch about my person so that I may press it? Or perhaps upload myself to a computer to leave the human body's faults behind? Transhumanism, yes that would be one solution. I think. A shame it is not … a thing.

I do hope this feeling passes and does not linger too long but if experience in these feeling has taught me anything is that they are anything but short lived. Weeks and even months can go by before they begin go peter out as I am sure a great many can attest to?

Just another one of those bloody Fibromyalgia symptoms that can and do make your life a misery...no, a living hell.

Hmm … maybe of scientists can prove that there is a soul and it does live on in a quantum state then voluntary euthanasia can finally become a thing? So those of us who got the shit end of the stick can just check out?

That is until such a time that humans can become more ... humane?

Good God this aching pain is unrelenting!

THE CRASHING DOWN

Jesus Christ.

How and why does the human body do certain things to itself?

I had to deal with another shocked person today and this time my landlord. He looked absolutely stunned when I told him that the PIP department requested an assessment and that despite not getting to Upper Holloway and appealing this time they wanted me to go to Brentwood.

He said “I thought this was going to court” and I told him that it was and that I had just gotten my court date that morning in the mail. He simply could not believe how they could not care less it was going to court. Maybe he thought what I did that it had already been decided? I did explain that for me and my experience of zero people actually doing anything and physically helping I had zero faith that the court would be any different.

He asked me what it was I had been told that he would not like and I explained what I had been told about becoming homeless and that I would need a possession order. I was surprised as he was already aware of this. He even mentioned a 'section 21', whatever that is? I think someone else had mentioned that to me recently … the Citizen's Advice, I believe?

Memory! The word 'section' along with a number was definitely used, possibly two different numbers?

After receiving the court letter I had an attack of anxiety before I even got out of the house. I immediately panicked that the anxiety would prevent me from attending the hearing and prayed that this would not turn out to be the case.

Throughout the day the anxiety has been on and off.

God, the feelings you get when this occurs. Take every feeling you can think of and imagine them crashing down. Now try to imagine that being so strong that your legs just switch off. At first you may get wobbly feeling in them and this only gets worse. I often have seen diabetics when their sugar is low and the sway all over the place as if they are drunk. That looks how I felt.

Each step you try to take, takes immense concentration and focus to stop each leg in turn from simply giving way completely.

A little while after my landlord left with his late rent my social worker friend called me up to see how I was. He likes things done certain ways and gets annoyed when they are not. So when I am having a crisis, or many crises he expects me to contact the necessary people and do what is expected. Thus far I have. He asked if I had seen my GP and was I being sent to a psychiatrist and I said that I had asked but was told to wait and see what Mind had to say. He could not believe that especially as I had been to A&E and my GP had been informed. I told him that the lady at Mind had already asked why he had previously told me to contact Citizen's Advice over asking for help with my memory issues and trouble doing my daily tasks.

It is now getting a little worrying as a list of odd things is beginning to mount up …

• Promised to be sent to a Osteopath over my back several times I never got
• On asking about help and support with memory issues and disability, told to speak to CAB
• Same time as referral for Neurology a Colonoscopy appointment has gone astray
• Postural Hypotension and suspicion of epilepsy appear to be something far more serious

You ask for help and nothing comes.

This just seems to carry on. That is until you get to a stage you cannot deal with yourself and you get so low that you simply seem to lose the will to live. If only it was that easy as literally doing so would be such a comfort.

You lose interest in all around you.

You lose interest in all that you enjoy.

You eventually lose interest in all that you love.

Things already difficult do so suddenly seem monumental tasks.

These tasks building up only result in adding to the pressures being experienced.

You try to think of all the ways you can deal with it yourself.

You find nothing and in the end you ask others who only give you the obvious things you have already tried.

You end up trying to approach a higher tier for help and only find out there are hoops you have to leap through and procedures to follow.

Different tasks start to build up.

Eventually they appear mountainous.

You start to ask yourself if anyone took any notice of anything you said?

In my case it is my ever failing memory mainly but along with the pains and difficulties.

What I was handed was a phone number to a 'Crisis Team' and I had forgotten about them and had used them before, but not in this area and a long time ago. Though I had a brief skirmish with a psychiatrist a couple of times about five or six years back.

These hoops and tasks are no help when your already forlorn. When your life already is empty and your aim directionless. Your life … meaningless.

You ask the unanswerable question … why?

There must be more to life than just this? It should be way better than simply trying to deal with pain, emptiness and avoiding the poisonous spears thrown at you from all directions?

But dozens if not hundreds sit in their ivory towers and armoury loaded with spears and think they are performing a special duty. They think they do this for the public, shockingly. Confusingly.

You stand their with legs buckling. Trying to hold everything up as it tries to come crashing down around your ears. You pray for some light. Something, anything from someone to show you the way.

As I said to my social worker friend … what has surprised me is that three professionals with one an A&E Doctor, one experienced nurse and now a member from Mind have all seemed aware of bad things going on and shaken their heads in disbelief.

The question is for me is if I can survive long enough to get through something like this yet again and come out the other side? Also will the other side be worth seeing? Is there anything left or anything new to make life interesting and worthwhile living again?

So right now my rent payments seem to be sorted and just hoping that they do not cancel them again or get the idiot idea that the date they paid me is now a new date to send payments … well over a week late.

While I wait to see if the rent payments return to normal I have also to stop the DWP from allowing me to starve, possibly to death, and contact the court over some documents and the Citizen's Advice about the court.

Good grief! We are still only in September and this has turned out to be one shitty year and to think I thought that the fact that the crap summer stopping me from getting photos and videos for my blogs and YouTube channel could not get any worse? OOPS.