HEART BREAKAGE

Was just set upon by the resident leftist in the building and as always over something stupid .. trivial .. meaningless.

But they have a skill like no that has people running for cover when they see them coming.

Barged into the room, without knocking as usual because they think it is there automatic right to do so that drives everyone nuts. Including one other who was walked in on naked one day.

Stated she need to get to the radiator .. because there are issues with an airlock when I had already explained weeks ago it cannot be an airlock in my radiator because it is switched off. For it to be an airlock within this specific radiator the water needs to be flowing through it, which it is not nor ever has been.

But I don't care check it if you want .. if it makes them happy, because they can ever .. ever accept that they are wrong.

No announcing .. no warning .. just barge in .. in the morning. No chance to get my shoes on or charge my phone just a bull in a china shop as usual.

So I decide to make a tea instead but I know it wont be a simple checking the radiator .. it is going to turn into something else like it always does. The very thing that has driven the rest of us nuts for years.

Bearing in mind that everyone knows about my health issues, my disabilities and namely my heart issues which cannot and are not affected by any arguing on Twitter, I might add. Nope but this person can set it off single handed.

I have warned them .. I have warned others .. but it matters not when she suddenly decides she wants to create wounds she can then go cray bout to others. Have a dig to force someone to attack them and they are by definition the centre of attention.

My room is untidy .. that was what it switched to. The some stern lecturing about me doing things that will set my heart off, which I do anyway and did some this pat Sunday. But it is not about tidiness as all that know her are well aware.

Yelling match ensues and like a true leftist she lies to make herself look correct .. telling me that a brother does not visit the house because of me. Well no .. it is because of her and I pointed that out .. sternly and told her in no uncertain terms she was a fucking liar and has driven us all nuts for years.

This brother does not answer the phone to her .. remember that for after I explain this ..

She fucks off downstairs .. I sit in my bed, bedroom turned upside down, all 6 feet by 8.5 feet of it, when suddenly I get this absolutely massive pain across my chest and back and I roll back screaming. It subsides for a few seconds but then comes rushing back again. This happens several times and eventually I roll off the bed and am wedged between a cupboard and the bed face-down.

At this point another brother comes in the room, wrongly assumes it is a back pain, yup I did state that I warned them about this, and tells me I am in the wrong position. Well no because after it occurring one more time it is now subsiding in intensity and I am frozen to the spot now. A sign that this intense pain is now subsiding I do not want to move so much as a muscle.

It stops.

Then the brother that refuses to answer the phone to her rings me after a few minutes ad I have not spoken to him for several weeks. Uh-oh!

She rang him .. he answered the phone to her and admitted he made a mistake.

He knew she was in the wrong as she always is, throws a hissy-fit about that on every occasion as we are supposed to agree with her even when she is wrong.

I tell him that I just had these pains, could have been a heart attack but I do not think so. Actually seemed too intense but I do not know .. maybe it was? He is shocked.

As he is telling me how this woman is completely batty and has been driving us nuts for years the door flies open. I think it is another brother .. but no .. it is her.

Listening outside the door .. realising I have been called and this is a sign that no one agrees with her she storms in with a stern look on her face and shouts "YOUR A LIAR!" to which I answer "No, YOUR the liar!" Tell her who I am on the phone to, she says she knows .. yeah she cannot stand that. Keeps on .. while on the phone to my brother who has now guessed she has walked in the room I say ..

"Will you leave?! I may have had a heart attack that you brought on and I did warn you about .. and I DO NOT want another one thank you! All because you have to be right and want all the attention!"

She fucks off!

My brother says "There has got to be some way of you getting out of there? She is losing it and this is like a fucking slow death, a slow and painful death for you!"

They have screwed everything up from the moment I got here by making a mountain out of a molehill for everything and then turning that drama into a crisis to draw attention to herself.

Two children born, one operation .. appendicitis and a death (not present) and someone dying of cancer (not family) and on every single occasion they have crated a massive problem in each case that had hospital staff shocked when they realised.

She is oppressive like you would not believe .. and .. family and friends and others run from her and I am constantly asked my my social worker friend, Mario "How have you not gone insane stuck there?!"

Along with his disbelief at no one offering to help me .. or us for that matter.

Heart condition that the NHS new about for two years and the decided to look into just before my life got turned upside down and now do not loo at, at all. Great.

LATE ADDITION ..

• Would not allow me my car outside so I lost £4,000 on it
• Kept telling me I was doing everything wrong
• Always told me I was right-wing
• Alienated friends, family and even grandchildren who refuse to see her
• Keeps telling me I do everything wrong
• Everything is about her
• Side Effects from low dosage epilepsy drugs for epilepsy she does not have is worse then two operations my daughter juts had, cervical cancer and strangulated hernia
• Its our fault because of our father .. unless it is the whole world's fault
• Keeps telling me I am doing everything wrong
• Tells me how the Internet works, used it on phone for 5 minutes I am BSc and was offered a PhD in Applied Computing back in 1999 
• GCHQ were interested in me ..
• Keeps telling me I am wrong
• Insists she is right on politics because of things form 20 years ago and groups that have not existed for years
• Keeps telling me I am wrong
• Tell her video evidence exists on YouTube she laughs and shakes her head
• Still tells me I am wrong
• Sister tells her I know my shit ..
• She repeats "No-no-no-n-no!"
• Sends messages that are 1,500 words or more long
• Runs out full battery on your phone in one phone-call
• Tell you she is caring but has never asked me nor my brother about her grandchildren ..
• But the tells everyone how hard things are for her because she has all these grandchildren to think about
• Friend and one granddaughter and two sons think she needs serious psychiatric help
• Lies when you prove her wrong
• Bare-face lies and twists it when you tell her we all think the same "NO! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU!" Crap
• Keeps telling me I am wrong
• Roots round other people's stuff and blows up being pulled about it, one of only two relatives fell out with her years ago for that one
• Keeps telling me I am wrong
• You get to talk for 60 seconds only and never hears any news through to the end
• Normally followed by changing the subject to be about her .. then talks for four hours .. you insist on talking to finish what your saying at the end and she tell others later "I was not allowed to get a word in!" and I am being literal
• Mario says she is evil and there is something very, very seriously wrong with her
• Does not knock on your door .. just waltzes in .. courtesy does not apply when it is her house
• Did I mention she keeps telling me I am wrong?

THE ATTACKS RETURN

I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I've had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn't a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn't know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn't good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn't believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I've also been in a whole series of dark places I'm trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it's always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I'm only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don't own and my car was here for two days .. I didn't hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else's problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she's not interested in. One recipient has already said "If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!"

She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn't though and wasn't bothered about it and still isn't.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it's complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn't believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn't know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I'm still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it's still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I've also been contacting people since I've been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don't care .. and that we don't care.

Because she doesn't see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven't told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won't get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that's actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it's called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren't interested in looking it up and because it doesn't mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn't exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don't because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it's because .. she doesn't ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn't ask how others in the family are.

This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

• We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
• We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen

For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. "You do know about *****, don't you?" and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ's sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said "I don't care about the law and you don't take no notice if it either!"

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me .. 

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven't got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.