THE ATTACKS RETURN

I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I've had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn't a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn't know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn't good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn't believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I've also been in a whole series of dark places I'm trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it's always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I'm only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don't own and my car was here for two days .. I didn't hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else's problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she's not interested in. One recipient has already said "If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!"

She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn't though and wasn't bothered about it and still isn't.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it's complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn't believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn't know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I'm still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it's still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I've also been contacting people since I've been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don't care .. and that we don't care.

Because she doesn't see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven't told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won't get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that's actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it's called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren't interested in looking it up and because it doesn't mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn't exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don't because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it's because .. she doesn't ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn't ask how others in the family are.

This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

• We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
• We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen

For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. "You do know about *****, don't you?" and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ's sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said "I don't care about the law and you don't take no notice if it either!"

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me .. 

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven't got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.

ONE HELL FOR ANOTHER

Well it has not even been a week yet and it has happened.

I have had my anxiety raised by someone that is supposed to help. Oddly they have complained that they are the only one that have helped .. despite the fact that this help is a fucking tiny room they do not need. They do not own the house either but you would think they were giving a pint of blood the way that they go on.

What is the issue?

That four of us did not give up thousands of pounds to another member of the family because they deserved money.

I have told them that by law they are not and that this person is not bothered by it and that in fact they are the only one bothered by it but .. it makes no difference.

Bearing in mind what I have just been through .. what I have got to do now that I am back and that much of my money went towards helping others .. the rest tied up in things I should not have bought and one I am selling. So they cannot claim that I am selfish .. but it is being hinted at and they would dearly like to say this .. but they cannot.

Most of the ire is about others ..

Except as I said the recipient they are on about does not care about it and has said to others that it was not his money and not his grandfather.

Nope .. that does not matter.

Nope .. nor does it matter that I went through hell and cut my wrists I was in that much agony .. not not a mention about that. Just that things did not go how they wanted them too and we re all bastards.

I have already had a reply to a text I sent explaining what was just said and the reply simply stated “You got to get out of there as fast as you can!”

Yeah .. I cannot. I have somewhere I can go if things get bad but that will only be for three or four days at most. As I told my brother .. it is called the Maytree Centre and I nearly ended up there a couple years back.

This person simply fails to see that the only feelings that are harping on about is their own. And that this is all about others doing what they expect them to.

I also guarantee that they are annoyed that I have gone off into a room to stop hearing it and I would not be surprised if I was told I had to leave purely because I wont sit there and listen to their complaining about things that is bothering no one else.

They have been told for years and fucking years that it is extremely stressful and that no one else falls out and has issues except them. Every single member of their family they have fallen out with but it is everyone else that is wrong.

I find it hilarious that there argument is that no one 'gives a shit' and yet that is exactly whow they come across .. unless it is there feelings, they have never self harmed by the way but their suffereing is worse than everyone else's, then they do not ask, they do not console, they do not say they are sorry for what you have been through. Best of all they do not ask when they are on the phone how the children are, by some accounts. They are so busy and so focused upon their own feelings and you get statements like they want to die.

Oddly they blame another relative of being melodramatic when it comes to these things .. deliberately leaving pills all over the floor for sympathy.

No self harming as far as I know and they certainly was not alone when they did it .. so yeah .. ou could say that it was for sympathy. Could.

I was trapped in a flat that felt like a prison for four days and there was no one else there but me .. alone .. hoping that this damned Aussie flu would kill me in the night, often felt like it was. Then having anxiety in the mornings sometimes so bad that harming was the only thing that would release the extreme feelings of anxiety.

I cannot stress how bad this can be even at the best of times but stuck somewhere you do not know with short term memory problems after being called names, then threatened and then warned .. yeah .. you cannot really describe that.

I want to die because no one gives a shit and because currently I have nowhere to live .. not whinge and whine that no one gives a shit and that no one listens.

Yeah they do not have the greatest advice and yet they go fucking mental because no one takes their advice but .. no one ever takes advice.

But no .. this is specific traits of my family and makes her life a misery.

No drug dealers. No bank robbers. No domestic abusers and all this has been pointed out to her by her own cousin and .. nope .. does not want to listen. Because they want to complain except ..

There is no end goal to complaining .. there is absolutely no benefit to complaining .. she gets nothing out of it .. no one she complains about is ever going to change .. all she does is hurt people, stress them out and make them not want to come here.

I was on the phone to them two days before I came down and she scared the living shit out of me .. cranky and angry and of course it was about giving this money over to someone that not only does not care about it themselves but will end up in the pockets of his greedy and manipulative African girlfriend and her family as they have already had thousands anyway.

These people were here illegally anyway, despite both being handed houses then it is strictly illegal to do so .. unless your a public service then you can make the rules up as you go along while private landlords get fined for doing the exact same thing.

Now I am scared of them going past the door .. and scared of going downstairs in the morning!

Luckily I have tried to prepare as I have not only contacted my solicitor but also an organisation that may be able to help in my current situation. They didn't years ago when I went to them for help but today it is different .. I now only know what is wrong with me today, thanks for nothing NHS, but a lot more is wrong with me today.

I, or we, really ended up with the rough end of the stick when it comes to life and to think I may have been subjected to some kid of payback for someone else's tempestuous life? I am now being punished for two other people's lives that are and were not my responsibility.

It would seem everyone wants me to either suffer or perform magic tricks.

THE BAG CONTAINS NO CAT

Let's get this one out of the way to start with ..

.. I still have a damned cough. One that only yesterday someone said I should get it looked at and .. well, yeah. It should.

But I've been in hospital the times with this Australian flu and I've been in A GP Surgery twice. Nothing. No offer of a flu jab.

Right now .. I technically have no GP either, which I didn't think about at the time.

The cat that's out of the bag is that I'm currently in London. I have been for several days and my car is back too and currently sort of in the process of registering it to sell it.

It managed to come all the way back to London without so much of a hiccup.

So it would seem my anxiety caused me to panic.

But it didn't do that alone .. it had a lot of help from many different public services, though I loathe to call them that.

Some of the failures were down to, in varying degrees, the NHS for not making me realise what my anxiety would do to me.

Most failures are down to the DWP for taking my disability, or Personal Independent Payments away from me. For lying and going back on an agreement about being self employed, New Enterprise Allowance agreement and payments and Working Tax Credits.

Even if your a dumb arse amoral twat .. you don't agree to something for 13 weeks and then pull the rug from under people. That's not helping people .. that's tricking people by way of lying.

Lastly the blame goes out to Wirral Council, Victim Support and the Family Support people who I very literally have trouble seeing the point of .. at all. Same goes for the Independent Review Officer. I not only was not receiving money from the former mentioned public services I was paying money out because of the latter public services.

I .. loathe calling them public services.

At the end of the day I was trying to do their jobs for them and then because of them .. could not.

Oops .. accidentally published this ..

Umm EDIT!!

I am also back here with a package for my solicitor.

I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to sign some these form too?

Now I have a barrage of other things I need to have sorted out or need advice on before I move forward. I don't even know if moving forward is possible.

It's a mess, I'm not going to lie and all that time I had that damn flu too.

I had to return at the worst possible time but .. well some things just didn't make sense to me.

Oh I could say I heard this and another person said that but it won't make any difference.

I came back in a hurry due to the very real possibility that someone could scratch or destroy my car. I was told to be careful.

I was already bad with anxiety and then at the very last I get some work .. warnings along with anger so I thought it best to just be somewhere else for the time being.

I was accused of some silly stuff too .. but it's hard to just shrug some things off and call others merely 'silly' in the situation I was in. If this had all occurred within a fifty mile radius of London no problems would have occurred. But they didn't and they did.

Since being here I'm being told different things by different people as per usual.

I also had a bizarre tyre failure by one of the top of road tyres you can buy and two tyres losing half their pressure and then bizarrely staying up.

Tyres don't lose pressure and then stay up for weeks.

I'm willing to bet everything I have the same thing happened to the brand new Pirelli tyre that failed?

Then there was that focus and warning I received regarding the exact same car.

If I'd had a cheap £500 or £1,000 car I would have just ignored it all. But I don't have a cheap car!

Since being back here I've had to do two more journeys and I was .. very anxious about it.

I'm worried now that I might have my driver's licence taken away, being declared unfit for driving. 

When it's only me that suffers when things are like this.

Plus .. being back here I don't have to drive and I know the transport system .. will outside of those situations were in momentarily don't know where I am out where this bus or road ends up.

I'm far from out of the woods just yet .. though my solicitor is meant to be getting in touch and of and when we meet everything could change. In an instant. Possibly. Hopefully.

I panic about it but every now and then I tell myself that I'm back five days earlier than I originally thought I would be.

Oddly the registering of the car looks as if it will take place the same day it originally was .. Monday.

There's also an element of guilt being here .. well a few elements of guilt. No eight elements of guilt. Well you get the idea.

My afternoons seem to be improving but I just get things done .. though I wonder if there is any point to it all?

This fear of the unknown in my case is torturous and .. stupid, admittedly.

My solicitor said she would be in contact today but wasn't. Had a tough or urgent things going on, as she put it, and would get back to me today.

I didn't think she would. God only knows what's going on over there .. I hope it's nothing serious.

I also pray that eventually they will be able to help .. because the situation is somewhat .. impossible.

Despite being happy with the house I lived in for ten years and the new turf I spent a few weeks laying, trust me it's not a big garden, they were happy. Nor happy enough to forward a reference or my deposit though.

Shame then that I can prove I lived there for ten years! Bad tenants don't live in properties for ten whole years and especially when I can prove that it was my decision to leave.

Some people just don't think things through.

Ooh that's something I missed from my report .. also it's the first of two deposits that are owed to me. Though the second technically isn't owed to me until the end of the tenancy.

I don't have to think about that right now at any rate!

During the period that I typed this my old GP practice called me and .. rather biazarrely kicked me off their register .. lol. Go figure .. could not wait to get rid of me .. despite the fact that I told them I did not know whether I was going back or not and had no GP ..

My medical records are going into limbo .. or some central crap until otherwise called for .. by my solicitor as I pointed out. 

Odd ..

Never happened before .. it is like they have been officially sealed and stored away somewhere safe from prying eyes.

THE MANY THINGS

I did think I would be offline for abut a week .. but that has not started yet.

Tired because of an Autistic child refuses to go to sleep until after midnight and I am alone so have to be awake until she is asleep.

Well now?

A 94 year old war veteran that says some pretty interesting as well as very nice things that I am partially relieved to hear .. or rather read.

Unfortunately .. it will take a lot more to relieve me and I am working on that .. I have emailed some organisations as I feel like a fish out of water, confused .. panicky .. having anxiety attacks and now having to move around an area I do not know, Wirral, when I used to get confused due to memory problems 250 miles away at my last home and known to me all my life, Enfield, Essex and East Hertfordshire.

In fact the mother of the daughter I currently live with close to I actually met in Hertford, though she is from the Wirral.

My anxiety is at incredible levels.

Self harming worse than I did last time, thank you so much Tory government!

I had hoped to generate my own help via three different methods ..

• Patreon Account for me
• GoFundMe Crowd Funding account, for my daughter as I am almost out of savings, they have annoyingly suspended again for a second reason I cannot fathom and have emailed them asking for an explanation and ..
• JustGiving account for my daughter again because GoFundMe is blood annoying

Other methods are ..

• Google Adsense advertising via blogs but they vanished a year ago .. no reasons given

But this war veteran?

How about these quotes from the Evolve Politics link below ..

If I were Prime Minster I would table a bill making it illegal for politicians and former politicians to be awarded #NewYearsHonoursbecause when the pavements of Britain are littered with homeless citizens, you were derelict in your duty to humanity. - Harry Leslie Smith via Twitter

And this comment on his statements by Evolve Politics ..

94 year old WWII Veteran and Twitter legend Harry Leslie Smith has just gone and absolutely nailed the glaringly unjust nature of Britain’s elitist honours system. - Evolve Politics

https://evolvepolitics.com/a-94-year-old-wwii-veteran-just-exposed-the-disgusting-elitism-of-the-uk-honours-system/

EDIT:

My great grandfather, one Reginald Kirlew, was a test pilot for Avro and the RAF and died test piloting the Avro Manchester .. they then gave up and the Avro Lancaster was born .. I often wonder what he would make of the country he died for if he could communicate with us?

WHEN IT'S TOO MUCH

It's getting to me far too much.

Thinking a lot about that .. off switch.

I just do not know who to talk to round these parts.

It looks worse than this now and it simply makes no sense to me .. but it works to relieve anxiety that is so bad it is painful.

EDIT: I understand how it works .. but it makes absolutely no sense to me that this fault exists to render you unable to do anything and to cause that much pain to yourself. It simply begs belief and not something I thought would EVER affect me.

Looks worse now .. right hand too but not as bad

WHAT A DAY WITH NO DAYDREAMS

Jesus .. I feel .. strange.

This was after feeling really bad this morning and the Doctors called and asked me to go in within the hour.

I was feeling crap and the surgery not far so I walked .. or hobbled to be precise. Not that bad though because I don't do much walking. Not regularly anyway so it's easier when I do.

I was in begging mode .. didn't see the same Doctor as last time. This one was reserved. He seemed like an OK guy though.

He didn't seem to think I had the flu and thought it might be something else? Probably because of the amount of time I have had it?

I got some more Diazepam and he prescribed Venlafaxine, which was weird because Venlafaxine was prescribed some years ago but don't remember it doing much, other than done rotten withdrawal symptoms I had never had before on any other pill. Or maybe I have but didn't link them at the time or just can't remember?

Came back to the house and my ex was here, of forgotten that she was coming. Some deep cleaning was going on .. well a little.

She said she couldn't understand how bad it gets here and I said that is impossible. You can't keep anything tidy anywhere. Only for about thirty minutes and it looks the same.

I had a little trouble sorting out my pills before taking them. My ex didn't want me to do much, obviously realising or told I was at the Doctors.

She wanted me to go to the tip though but .. I'd just passed on driving due to hire I felt and had to hospital appointments within two hours.

It was kinda cold ... that miserable type cold temperature where it's just low enough to be bothersome.

At the hospital I had to concentrate hard because I wanted to pass out the whole time.

When I was being scanned I thought I was going to pass out??

Anyway had the monitor fitted, told what button to press in the event of an episode.

But upon returning I feel asleep. That's not like me to fall asleep during the day. But lack of sleep and over half a dozen pills probably had an effect on me.

The worry now is .. shifting a lot of things about which is imminent and now told there's a time limit.

Bit awkward timing really, what with three appointments imminent.

I found out that more people closer to home are reading my blog which I did no expect nor have I had it happened in the past. Before I moved here that is.

The problem came from the posting to Facebook, which was going through my Twitter feed and have now turned off.