MURDEROUS MORNINGS

Going though hell .. this morning.

Got that ECG on and hit the button a few times from around 4.30am onward but just pain in region of heart I know is anxiety.

No heart palpitations, tightness or skipped beat feelings.

But then I noticed that when the anxiety is playing up .. the other stuff seems to stop or at least become a lot less frequent.

So all that testing was probably a waste of time unless something happens in the next four hours or so.

There is some stuff going on that is .. stressful. I would like to think that this anxiety will die down when it is over, fingers tightly crossed.

One more appointment to go with the hospital and I have to be back at the Doctors in ten days .. nine days.

I am not happy I have Venlafaxine again .. I recall missing a couple of days and it put me on my back .. I had forgotten to take them and even back then my memory was an issue and I did not pick up on it. We are talking around twelve years ago now I had that.

But I am so desperate to stop this that I am taking it again. But this will add to my lists of things to panic about.

Just like I told my GP none of this makes any sense to me .. why the brain is panicking about such stupid things.

I remember when I first saw my medical notes, that was how I found out, I was listed as having General Anxiety Disorder or GAD and when I read about it it stated that you can panic about little things. At first I did not think this was the case but when I thought about some of the things it did.

I still am coughing up green and yellow shit and that is something they want to look at but .. the way I feel right now .. it is difficult to get around to sorting that out.

I mean to speak to reception about setting up my digital repeat prescription thing. I might have also meant to have spoken to them about these blood tests? I cannot recall how it is done or what I was meant to do?

It is majorly disruptive this memory issue and I do not seem to have made anyone realise just how much it is.

I have felt for a long time like I need someone. To help me remember things.

I did think it might be easier here because there is another adult around but she is forgetful too so there is no chance of that happening and things are much worse.

Living on my own I was bad enough. I had a mate who used to remind me of things from time to time but he obviously could not remind e of everything.

This things is really, really stupid and confusing as well as majorly torturous and the fact that I have this virus/infection tat has lasted for months seems to have only made things worse. How things could have gotten this bad for me I simply do not know and begs belief.

As for this virus or infection .. my ex wonders if I picked it up in the house, which I doubt. What I did say was that I had read only recently that my .. resistance to infections can be lowered and is one of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

So I guess I am still being let down.

The other thing is that I really need to return to my storage in London .. that really needs to be sorted out and the cost reduced or eliminated completely.

If my PIP gets reinstated it will become less of an issue but it still needs to be done.

I have taken a second Diazepam pill and hope that calms things down a bi as the first did not work.

I was, as they say, monged-out yesterday afternoon and in the evening I fell asleep. Do mot recall much at all except my daughter appearing around 4am. Was feeling OK at the time but around thirty minutes later it all started.

Whether the evening was down to the Venlafaxine or not I do not know, I had taken Amitriptyline too for the first time in a while so could be that. I have to check whether or not I should take these in the morning or at night. I am thinking nights, because of the morning things so will go and check that out.

WHAT A DAY WITH NO DAYDREAMS

Jesus .. I feel .. strange.

This was after feeling really bad this morning and the Doctors called and asked me to go in within the hour.

I was feeling crap and the surgery not far so I walked .. or hobbled to be precise. Not that bad though because I don't do much walking. Not regularly anyway so it's easier when I do.

I was in begging mode .. didn't see the same Doctor as last time. This one was reserved. He seemed like an OK guy though.

He didn't seem to think I had the flu and thought it might be something else? Probably because of the amount of time I have had it?

I got some more Diazepam and he prescribed Venlafaxine, which was weird because Venlafaxine was prescribed some years ago but don't remember it doing much, other than done rotten withdrawal symptoms I had never had before on any other pill. Or maybe I have but didn't link them at the time or just can't remember?

Came back to the house and my ex was here, of forgotten that she was coming. Some deep cleaning was going on .. well a little.

She said she couldn't understand how bad it gets here and I said that is impossible. You can't keep anything tidy anywhere. Only for about thirty minutes and it looks the same.

I had a little trouble sorting out my pills before taking them. My ex didn't want me to do much, obviously realising or told I was at the Doctors.

She wanted me to go to the tip though but .. I'd just passed on driving due to hire I felt and had to hospital appointments within two hours.

It was kinda cold ... that miserable type cold temperature where it's just low enough to be bothersome.

At the hospital I had to concentrate hard because I wanted to pass out the whole time.

When I was being scanned I thought I was going to pass out??

Anyway had the monitor fitted, told what button to press in the event of an episode.

But upon returning I feel asleep. That's not like me to fall asleep during the day. But lack of sleep and over half a dozen pills probably had an effect on me.

The worry now is .. shifting a lot of things about which is imminent and now told there's a time limit.

Bit awkward timing really, what with three appointments imminent.

I found out that more people closer to home are reading my blog which I did no expect nor have I had it happened in the past. Before I moved here that is.

The problem came from the posting to Facebook, which was going through my Twitter feed and have now turned off.