THE END RESULT

Well not sure it's an end result ..

I'm currently trying to cause myself pain .. while avoiding someone .. catching me at it. Oh that is now stinging.

The person is actually watching me.

I think she is a nurse? Not entirely sure.

Well I had another bad night of coughing up phlegm .. hardly slept then woke up with fairly bad anxiety. Took two Diazepam that helped then seemed to sleep for a couple hours.

Woke up again with anxiety all because of a phone-call last night and not the person you might expect.

Good God I'd love another cup of tea.

I'm in hospital..

Ended up ringing '111' and once again ended up with an ambulance. They end up talking me into coming here when I made up my mind I didn't want to go into hospital, hence why I rang '111'.

Now I'm harming myself because after talking to two people which took not too long I feel like I've now been waiting for three hours for a Psyche Team.

It's now 16:18 so it's dark and in sure I called '111' around 10.30am to 11am.

I'm anxious about getting back to the flat and wishing I hadn't called now.

Still the cup of tea and sandwich was nice.

However I wondered if having energy for the first time in days as fuelled the anxiety. I was OK ish in the ambulance. Had taken two Metaclopramide so didn't feel too nauseous on the journey. Pleased about that. Well I was.

Now though it's this damned anxiety .. I'm in a room with one armchair and one sofa .. green.

I'm also bored, nowhere to charge the phone and .. I was told to bring my charger so thought I could use it more?! No TV .. just waiting on a room for some team.

Oddly it sounded like from someone earlier I might be able to get help?

I thought this was a relief but then started to have this anxiety.

If I could get placed somewhere and transferred back to London somehow with my car moved, or provided with the money to do this, this would be .. great.

Also .. there's that damn meeting at the Job Centre in this strange land. If they could also do something about that? Or give me the means to get them off my back for a month? Maybe even two?

Here's hoping!

..

NOPE!

Waste of time.

WHAT A DAY WITH NO DAYDREAMS

Jesus .. I feel .. strange.

This was after feeling really bad this morning and the Doctors called and asked me to go in within the hour.

I was feeling crap and the surgery not far so I walked .. or hobbled to be precise. Not that bad though because I don't do much walking. Not regularly anyway so it's easier when I do.

I was in begging mode .. didn't see the same Doctor as last time. This one was reserved. He seemed like an OK guy though.

He didn't seem to think I had the flu and thought it might be something else? Probably because of the amount of time I have had it?

I got some more Diazepam and he prescribed Venlafaxine, which was weird because Venlafaxine was prescribed some years ago but don't remember it doing much, other than done rotten withdrawal symptoms I had never had before on any other pill. Or maybe I have but didn't link them at the time or just can't remember?

Came back to the house and my ex was here, of forgotten that she was coming. Some deep cleaning was going on .. well a little.

She said she couldn't understand how bad it gets here and I said that is impossible. You can't keep anything tidy anywhere. Only for about thirty minutes and it looks the same.

I had a little trouble sorting out my pills before taking them. My ex didn't want me to do much, obviously realising or told I was at the Doctors.

She wanted me to go to the tip though but .. I'd just passed on driving due to hire I felt and had to hospital appointments within two hours.

It was kinda cold ... that miserable type cold temperature where it's just low enough to be bothersome.

At the hospital I had to concentrate hard because I wanted to pass out the whole time.

When I was being scanned I thought I was going to pass out??

Anyway had the monitor fitted, told what button to press in the event of an episode.

But upon returning I feel asleep. That's not like me to fall asleep during the day. But lack of sleep and over half a dozen pills probably had an effect on me.

The worry now is .. shifting a lot of things about which is imminent and now told there's a time limit.

Bit awkward timing really, what with three appointments imminent.

I found out that more people closer to home are reading my blog which I did no expect nor have I had it happened in the past. Before I moved here that is.

The problem came from the posting to Facebook, which was going through my Twitter feed and have now turned off.

THE WRONG FEELINGS

Just to keep a note of the date and the symptoms ..

Bloody bad flu .. again but really intense .. sinuses in pain, intense headache and  worst of all ..

Anxiety so strong it feels like I'm having a damn heart attack that woke me up ninety minutes ago!

Finally found diazepam and taken one of those while smoking .. and a Propranolol.

No idea what brought this on .. trying to remember to get things done and get to Doctors is making me feel worse for some bizarre reason?!

Thought of calling ambulance bit don't want to do that. Going to walk in centre? Too ill to drive!

It's like my body sets of the wrong feelings at times.

My God .. I wish I would just die and be bloody done with it?! How can the human body torture itself this bloody much and still be alive?! I just don't get it .. ooh pounding on my head too .. nice, as if the anxiety was not enough?!

Don't know where I'm going to hide of I need to tomorrow??

For .. FS!

EDITED at 10am: Had a few mornings being OK finally and now this happens?! I do not know if it was the intense flu virus I had that amplified it? I had not done anything the day or night before.

It has calmed down now as has the intensity of the flu symptoms.

I cannot keep doing this! I have now had three lots of flu like viruses since I got here and that is more than I have had in the last 6 years plus combined.

A social worker friend previously said it is because I am around children that bring viruses home from school but .. this is ridiculous.

I felt like if the anxiety was not going to kill me the intense flu symptoms would and there was a long period where I would have welcomed death with open arms.

Now .. I just recalled there was like a family .. get together yesterday .. minus me and a few family members I have not seen in well over twenty years. I was always popular with them and my ex is with someone that many do not like. One of his own step-sons included.

A fat layabout drunk .. is what he is normally referred to me as. Some remarks were made by a sister and a mother about me being around and that she should .. expel the drunk and get back together with me.

That .. terrified me in all honesty.

A lot has been said and a lot has been one over the years and well .. as well as not being entirely honest, see the old posts on here, she is both not my type any longer and .. I am not even sure I have one.

I have been on my own for like 14 years or more and it turns out that has something to do with Fibromyalgia too?!

So I do not know if that was playing on my mind during the night that set off the anxiety? It just woke me up and was off like a damned rocket and I wanted to take a knife and plunge it into my chest.

That sort of physical pain I can deal with.

It really, really peeves me off this anxiety as it makes no damned sense to all. How can it just affect you like that?

After a few days of things being easier my chest also had some signs of the heart palpitations and possibly irregular beats. That may have something to do with it?

Or maybe that I have had so many instances of extreme stress that it has, had an effect on my heart ad caused these things?

Good God, I hope they get sorted out before very long?

I have some testing to be done just after Boxing Day.

Oh and I discovered little Miss Autism, the difficult and older one, was for the second time in as many weeks first filling the bath up, last time water came through the ceiling. Then after being stopped she was bailing water out of the toilet and this was only noticed when I wondered why I could hear a splashing sound coming from the kitchen downstairs? Water was once again pouring through fro the bathroom upstairs.

It is purely mental ..

Also the remote to the main TV has packed up and even dismantling it and cleaning it has had no positive effect. It has been doused in a mug of juice since I have been here and apparently been through the washing machine previously. It did work for about a week but has now died. I am amazed it has lasted this long. She will let them mess about with stuff and you the think it is just a matter of time.

An iPod purchased has been doused in water twice and has since died. They just do not get things when they should at their ages. Another 3 or 4 year old would have taken notice when you told them that water would break their device.

Worse still is that when something does not work she thinks it does and whatever it is she wants that we do not have when you tell her it does not work or we do not have any she demands that we show her?! How do you show a child that something is not there or is broken?

So I have ordered a remote but have been trying to find the model number of this smart TV and have been unsuccessful. I might need the model ti gt the new remote working with this TV?

It was summer when I was first told that one of my grandchildren was Autistic and when I came down here I was in shorts and a vest.

It is now well into winter and there has been nothing in the way of help thus far.

The one thing in all this is that my daughter has always reacted that these things and a proper diagnosis takes time, despite two or three tests thus far proving positive for Autism.

Her mother then asked why things were taking time and why she had not rung them for help and when it was explained that things take time her mother said "Well, it never used to!" My daughter answered "That is what Dad said!"

So the combination of all of the health issues and disabilities involved with four out of six of us and the other scares we have to deal with along with the inordinate and extremely unfair and cruel WAIT .. it is killing us.

In the meantime our symptoms are trying to kill us, destroy every item in the house or even bring the bloody ceiling down in the kitchen!!

My memory is still forgetting to do things.

At least my head and sinuses are not in s much pain and the anxiety has dropped off a little .. still .. left me feeling like shit though.