NIGHT OF TORMENTS

Things are not .. good.

I have been inside this tiny room for twenty four hours and last night .. well it just was not a good night.

I felt out of it all day along with feeling down and as the day and night went on the further down I went. I also did not sleep so I kept going down and in the end you reach that inevitable point. It is odd because I was having something that is not the same as what I call anxiety. Panic attacks maybe? But it was enough to get to that point you always seem to get to .. when yo want it to just end.

I had thoughts about it ending .. but .. hurting someone else is always the thing that is the forefront of my mind.

But I kept thinking that there had to be a limit? Surely you can only endure so much before something else .. gives way? Maybe ones sanity? I would not like that but .. I have to think that maybe losing one's sanity in times like these is the minds self-defence to the pain?

I tossed and turned until around 6am ish and added to this I kept needing to use the lavatory and .. I must have used it around six or seven times between 11pm and 7am? I started to wonder if I had prostrate cancer and wondered if I would actually care if I did?

You have times in your life when good things happen and you are supposed to cling onto these things and remember these things. Except the only good thing that ever happened to me has had a life more miserable than mine and being put through a living hell. They also have a question mark over their own life as well as ones over their own children. They also have no one other than me to rely on and I have not been great, though not for the lack of trying. Despite my many .. handicaps I have tried to ignore them and this is why I am paying right now. Because I moved and I tried and am even still willing to do it. Unfortunately and like almost everything else in life this cannot be done for free and nor can it be done without help and support. We have none of those three things right now.

I am also not .. being offered help in any way shape or form and it is almost like now that I am here the problem is solved. No .. it is not. I mist admit I thought it would be for the most part. I thought I would be a lot calmer but .. I am not.

My chest felt like it was caving in on itself last night and all through the night and almost up until midday.

God, I get so tired of feeling like this.

I have no energy to do anything and the very thought of trying to do any of the things I need to do just .. makes me want to curl up and die and .. I do not know why. Well I do know why, I just do not understand why one's own body can work so hard against itself. That goes double for one's mind too and it is here it is the most confusing. I am consciously wondering using a portion of my mind how another part of my mind is working against itself.

Others do not understand it and it has been suggested to me by someone that does not want to hear about people's ailments that I 'eat healthier'. It is frustrating when people make statements like this. It is a lack of restorative sleep that causes my issues, well almost all of them, and that in turn obviously causes chemical unbalance in the brain. That is a chemical unbalance and the only drug is not allowed and this means it would be just as ludicrous to suggest healthy eating could cure or keep down the symptoms of many other things. Health conditions that no one in their right mind would suggest a healthy diet could alter in any way, shape or form.

The house I am in and those that I am staying with do indeed compound my issues and exacerbate my symptoms. I did know they would all be difficult, all three of them, but I had no idea how much so. One is always a pain and always has been the exact same pain while with another it became immediate within a few days things are worse than they used to be. Seeking attention over anything and now with a mild health condition that they claim is worse than terminal illnesses yu cannot say five words without hearing the word 'epilepsy' bought up. Well no five words with anything to do with any symptoms that is for sure and they then just want to talk about this one single symptom. One that I have long since been having among many dozens of others. Then I have had someone else gets a bit frustrated when I am on the phone to my daughter. I have told them how serious things are but .. they have still gotten frustrated on one occasion.

Yeah .. so when things get down .. I do not want to do anything, go anywhere and nor do I even want to venture outside the door of the room I am staying in. Which is, I might add, a matchbox.

I will never figure out in a million years what possessed them to design these houses, the two tiny rooms and the absolutely tiny car park. In fact it is safe to say that the very design of this estate is compounding my issues.

Why is it s hard when you have these feelings of suicide?

I will be getting low on pills before long too and the thought of even going to a local GP is driving me insane.

If you cannot do it alone and you cannot get help and you cannot abide living this way .. then what choices are left to you when your feeling like this?

This country really has done a whole series of numbers in its own people that I am sure the historians of the future are going to have a field day with.

Added to all of this is the intense back pain and all the muscles in my legs aching like crazy on and off .. something that the magnesium I have been taking in the vitamin pills seem to be wearing off when it comes to keeping these aches away. That in itself is somewhat .. worrying.

No .. things are not good right now and they went from bad to OK to bad to looking good to OK and now back to really bad. In just five damn weeks or so.

THE WRONG FEELINGS

Just to keep a note of the date and the symptoms ..

Bloody bad flu .. again but really intense .. sinuses in pain, intense headache and  worst of all ..

Anxiety so strong it feels like I'm having a damn heart attack that woke me up ninety minutes ago!

Finally found diazepam and taken one of those while smoking .. and a Propranolol.

No idea what brought this on .. trying to remember to get things done and get to Doctors is making me feel worse for some bizarre reason?!

Thought of calling ambulance bit don't want to do that. Going to walk in centre? Too ill to drive!

It's like my body sets of the wrong feelings at times.

My God .. I wish I would just die and be bloody done with it?! How can the human body torture itself this bloody much and still be alive?! I just don't get it .. ooh pounding on my head too .. nice, as if the anxiety was not enough?!

Don't know where I'm going to hide of I need to tomorrow??

For .. FS!

EDITED at 10am: Had a few mornings being OK finally and now this happens?! I do not know if it was the intense flu virus I had that amplified it? I had not done anything the day or night before.

It has calmed down now as has the intensity of the flu symptoms.

I cannot keep doing this! I have now had three lots of flu like viruses since I got here and that is more than I have had in the last 6 years plus combined.

A social worker friend previously said it is because I am around children that bring viruses home from school but .. this is ridiculous.

I felt like if the anxiety was not going to kill me the intense flu symptoms would and there was a long period where I would have welcomed death with open arms.

Now .. I just recalled there was like a family .. get together yesterday .. minus me and a few family members I have not seen in well over twenty years. I was always popular with them and my ex is with someone that many do not like. One of his own step-sons included.

A fat layabout drunk .. is what he is normally referred to me as. Some remarks were made by a sister and a mother about me being around and that she should .. expel the drunk and get back together with me.

That .. terrified me in all honesty.

A lot has been said and a lot has been one over the years and well .. as well as not being entirely honest, see the old posts on here, she is both not my type any longer and .. I am not even sure I have one.

I have been on my own for like 14 years or more and it turns out that has something to do with Fibromyalgia too?!

So I do not know if that was playing on my mind during the night that set off the anxiety? It just woke me up and was off like a damned rocket and I wanted to take a knife and plunge it into my chest.

That sort of physical pain I can deal with.

It really, really peeves me off this anxiety as it makes no damned sense to all. How can it just affect you like that?

After a few days of things being easier my chest also had some signs of the heart palpitations and possibly irregular beats. That may have something to do with it?

Or maybe that I have had so many instances of extreme stress that it has, had an effect on my heart ad caused these things?

Good God, I hope they get sorted out before very long?

I have some testing to be done just after Boxing Day.

Oh and I discovered little Miss Autism, the difficult and older one, was for the second time in as many weeks first filling the bath up, last time water came through the ceiling. Then after being stopped she was bailing water out of the toilet and this was only noticed when I wondered why I could hear a splashing sound coming from the kitchen downstairs? Water was once again pouring through fro the bathroom upstairs.

It is purely mental ..

Also the remote to the main TV has packed up and even dismantling it and cleaning it has had no positive effect. It has been doused in a mug of juice since I have been here and apparently been through the washing machine previously. It did work for about a week but has now died. I am amazed it has lasted this long. She will let them mess about with stuff and you the think it is just a matter of time.

An iPod purchased has been doused in water twice and has since died. They just do not get things when they should at their ages. Another 3 or 4 year old would have taken notice when you told them that water would break their device.

Worse still is that when something does not work she thinks it does and whatever it is she wants that we do not have when you tell her it does not work or we do not have any she demands that we show her?! How do you show a child that something is not there or is broken?

So I have ordered a remote but have been trying to find the model number of this smart TV and have been unsuccessful. I might need the model ti gt the new remote working with this TV?

It was summer when I was first told that one of my grandchildren was Autistic and when I came down here I was in shorts and a vest.

It is now well into winter and there has been nothing in the way of help thus far.

The one thing in all this is that my daughter has always reacted that these things and a proper diagnosis takes time, despite two or three tests thus far proving positive for Autism.

Her mother then asked why things were taking time and why she had not rung them for help and when it was explained that things take time her mother said "Well, it never used to!" My daughter answered "That is what Dad said!"

So the combination of all of the health issues and disabilities involved with four out of six of us and the other scares we have to deal with along with the inordinate and extremely unfair and cruel WAIT .. it is killing us.

In the meantime our symptoms are trying to kill us, destroy every item in the house or even bring the bloody ceiling down in the kitchen!!

My memory is still forgetting to do things.

At least my head and sinuses are not in s much pain and the anxiety has dropped off a little .. still .. left me feeling like shit though.

THE RETURN OF THE ANX

Yeah well I was worried about that zombie like feeling I was having earlier. I thought it seemed a little familiar.

I am having the anxiety coming back.

I have been sitting here zombie watching YouTube videos I am not even interested in and I have noticed my Internet runs out tonight, great timing.

I was meant to go out get some tobacco from the local store but I cannot seem to ... drive myself to do it. Feck! God, I hate this shit I really do.

I dated someone years ago that self-harmed. I did not know a great deal about people doing that or why and always thought it was somewhat odd. However whenever I have had periods of anxiety since then,, that were bad, I wondered if self-harming would actually help? I thought that maybe in instances whereby something being wrong caused an overload of feelings that the mind cannot cope with that the self-harming might be a way to ... counter act these feelings?

Well it kinda does ... momentarily it seems.

I was suffering and panicking that the anxiety would get worse, in which the panicking probably performs another case of self-fulfilling prophecy type thing, when I spotted a pen-knife near where I sat.

I decided to put things to the test and went for the top left shoulder around my Deltoids The knife is not very sharp and take some ... effort.

This came about because despite being able to experience very intense pains ... there are some things that affect the mins that can be greater than most. There are a few things that have cause so intense pain that it would not be wanted ... by any sane person that is. Or really anyone at all now that I think about those pains.

Ugh.

Just thinking about the MRI as I had a call on an old number I have not used any more and I answered it and it turned out to be the hospital where the MRI is being done. It seems they wanted to move it forward slightly. Not a good sign that. Not put it off until the next available day but bring it forward. Not something I have ever had done before, normally when they have wanted to change something they postpone it a couple of days to a couple of weeks.

It is just that I did not sleep good the last couple of nights and I got an immediate depressing feeling wondering whether I will get to the appointment on time? It is a better time than I previously had which was 5.45pm ... just early enough that there is a slight possibility of a problem.

Of course this is far the MRI on my head. Ordered due to very frequent blackouts and a full on seizure and though I had just one where I fell completely unconscious I have managed to stop several others by feeling a strong one coming on and dropping my body, to a crouched, seated or just low position sometimes even on my knees.

Along with the irritation on my forehead above my eye socket, pain within my eye socket, hearing problems and nasal problems I have had for a very long time the collection of symptoms do not look good. I have even had stomach cramping really bad and actually read somewhere that this symptom can also be linked to the possible brain tumour? God knows how that one works?

The funny thing is I am not majorly concerned about having something that is terminal and that very likely sounds completely mad.

But the way that I feel right now and just as I have felt in the past like this ... you just want it to end. I can honestly say that each time I have been like this I thought it would never happen again once I had gotten through it and that even if I did experience it, it would not be as bad as the last.

But I have not only gone on to experience it all over again but it has been worst with each following experience.

I mean ... my legs shut down for Christ's sake.

When that happened I was shocked on one level but then when I had a chance to think about it and analyse it I was not really that surprised at all. The levels of anxiety were cataclysmic. You cannot do anything and you cannot enjoy anything.

You might take it for granted by thinking about a film that is coming out in several months time that you desperately want to see? Or there might be a computer game coming out you desperately want to play? It could be something else linked to a hobby you have? A doll, a remote control car or plane or even a book? When your fanatical about something sometimes you cannot think of anything else. It is like Doctor Who fans that cannot wait for the next series to be aired.

Imagine for a moment something that affects you this way? It might even be a sports car or something? Just think about the various things that would have you pumped up and excited until you got your hands on whatever it is you want or see what you cannot wait to see?

Right then ... now ... could you imagine anything ever managing to dowse those feelings?

I have many of them from gaming to music and even scientific discoveries.

I recently got the Radiohead album A Moon Shaped Pool but have not got as much pleasure out of it as I normally would and did not even get it until it had been out a couple of weeks!

Well there is a game I really am fanatical about playing and it has been out and I have no plans to buy it, Deus Ex Mankind Divided. I loved the last one.

I have not watched any of my blu-ray movies for a few weeks. In fact in the last 6 weeks I have probably watched three, the Transformer movies. For some reason, lol. In that time it would normally be between one and two dozen of my movies. Plus I would have purchased three or four and yet I have bought none for a couple of weeks and in the last 6 to 8 weeks only bought Batman v Superman and did not enjoy that as much as I would normally have done.

You start to wonder what the point is. You start to wonder if your going to be living somewhere and not having some threat you can do nothing about looming above you and your life.

The worst part about it is that you do not want to feel nor think like this but you cannot control it and it controls you.

Worst of all, as some readers may have even learnt for themselves, is that you try to talk to friends and family and they just say "Well don't think like that" and you feel like answering with a sarcastic "Oh well fuck me, why did I not think of that?!" Worse still is whenever you talk to a medical professional and they tell you stuff like that. Or tell you to occupy yourself by doing something you enjoy?! At that point you realise hey either simply do not get it or are complete idiots.

In the end you either try not to talk about it, avoid people so that you do not end up talking about it or you try very hard to hide the deep fear and anxiety you are experiencing. Engaging in light conversation when your heart fells like its clenched like a tight fist and being pulled apart in all directions at once.

Along with the intellectual side of things it is another area where I, or you might even, long for talk with someone ... anyone that understands.

So yeah when you think you might be told you have a shortened period of time to live when you feel like this you can easily imagine yourself saying ...

"Yeah, whatever. Just give me the letters so I can stop the DWP and Local Council from sticking the knife in and twisting it!"

Any enjoyment or pleasure that you could have from anything in life will just get drowned out completely by the sheer anxiety and fears you experience.

According to books I have read and research done Fibromyalgia affects your 'Fight & Flight' responses to which case I might have two or three guys wanna fight me and I will say "Alrighty then!" but then something such as these faceless wankers at the DWP and Local Council doing something to you and you fall to pieces. This can either be extremely fast or might gradually come over you slowly. There is no lesser of two evils with this one. You either feel like you have been hit by a Locomotive or you feel something building up slowly, realise what is coming and start to panick and eventually panicking over when it will level out and will ever stop.

But there is a point ... a level. Once traversing past this point everything in your world just melts away into insignificance. This horrid feeling along with the waiting and not knowing just takes over everything.

You start to look for help, you start approaching people and in the first times people experience this they think "Oh once I speak to my Doctor everything will be fine, he will give me a pill to take" but when that does not work you think hospitals, psychiatrists and all these help and advice group that there are so many of it is ludicrous.

I myself have already been through the GP and been given Propranalol and today is the first time that the anxiety seems to have bled through. Maybe I just need a slightly higher dose,, but this does not bloody well help in the here and now!

I have also contacted a few people and have even filled out a homeless persons form ... umm thingy with Enfield Council as they seem to take over 3 weeks to answer and I look like I will be homeless in four.

I have also contacted a couple of other organisations to do with being homeless and ... well I just hope they are not like the Citizen's Advice where they expect you to jump through very small hoops?!

And that is most likely why people self-harm? Because overloading emotions, fear and feelings are not going to hold back until someone decides they are going to do something or help you?

Suffering Patient: "Doc! I wnnd to this and I want to do that and I want to die! I cannot stand this feeling for a minute longer!"

Doc: "That is terrible ... come and see me in four days time."

Patient thinks 'what the feck! I will likely be dead by then?!'

In the end and once you have had these things long enough, provided your still alive, or you have had them return enough times you get forlorn. You start reaching out and asking for help but you know in the back of your mind that all the times you did this previously it did not come to much and took forever to get there.

More terrible examples of the overpaid people of various public services trying to save us money by making us suffer I am afraid to say.

THE FOUR LOCOMOTIVES

I lost the use of my legs today.

I will say that again, I lost the use of my legs today. Well more accurately my thigh muscles in both legs.

I have just had a visit from a paramedic after calling '111' as I just wanted to see if there was nothing … well, dangerous going on. After some questions I got told that '999' are now dealing with me and someone would be there soon!

I was a bit taken aback.

I had barely just written down my list of medications when there was, oops the nice paramedic just come back for some signatures and to leave me some test results, a knock at the door. Umm twice!

Lol!

Anyway the paramedic did an EKG and checked my pulse along with my blood pressure. Normal, high and high respectively. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway they thought it was nothing dangerous but asked me if I wanted to go hospital and I said no.

When the paramedic returned, Emma … I remember her name now, because I did not want to go to hospital she suggested a call back from a GP. Turned out that because my GP was still open, it was 4.57pm, they would have to ask them.

Now if I get back to what happened … it was very weird and extremely worrying as I thought I was losing the ability to walk or would do so very soon. I was actually watching a re-run of a Boxing match between Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield with a friend when it started to occur. He is into Boxing, not me but I knew the two Boxers from there fame alone.

Now yesterday afternoon and this morning I had absolutely no trouble .. well very little trouble from the anxiety and I thought it had died down for good? We had been out to drop his son off somewhere and went into a fishing tackle shop to buy some worms. Not for fishing. Everything was fine.

But some time after 1pm I started to feel something and then BAM! An anxiety attack hit me out of nowhere like a freight train! I simply do not know why. I was thinking of getting to … ooh there's my call back from my GP. Damn these guys have worked like lightning today.

I think they thought it might have been a stroke. I never mentioned it but the possibility had occurred to me and I meant to glance in my living room mirror when I got home and … can you guess what it is yet? Not meaning to sound like Rolf Harris, I forgot!

So I was watching this very impressive Boxing match when the anxiety hit me … hard and was quite a surprise. I was engrossed in the Boxing match at the time. It also become progressively worse and I started to feel my arms tingling which was not the first time. Only this time my legs started to tingle and I though 'oh that's weird'.

My left knee was bouncing up and down and swinging left to right like a blur, a friend told me years ago this was called Nervous Tension, whatever that is as I never looked it up. Then I started to notice something … my legs felt a little weird. A little wobbly. It got worse and to the point where I felt like I could barely feel them! Now this was getting surreal!

Anxiety then arrived to meet up with the anxiety that had already got there! I had thought how stupid it was feeling like this and how the anxiety was probably compounding the problem.

“Errrm, am I going to be able to walk!!” was the thought that suddenly struck me.

I turned to my friend and I said “I cannot feel my legs” to which he said “What?” I explained what I was feeling to him, he was a social worker for fifteen years so used to people with ailments. Plus he is Type 2 (or the worst one) Diabetic who used to awkward health situations.

The fight was at about the third round so I continued too focus on that and make remarks about how skilled the two fighters are, I love the martial art known as Wing Chun Kung Fu so I can get impressed by these things. At one point I remember feeling terrible as I thought I was going to have to ask my friend to phone for an ambulance. Well hey, a third anxiety train pulls in at the station! I then remembered I had an emergency appointment the next morning with my GP and then panicked in case I could not get there?! A fourth train arrives! When the fight ended at the end of the 12^th round and Riddick Bowe won, which had become obvious, I said “I gotta go!” and gathered my things. I must have looked wobbly because I remember my friend putting his arm out towards me.

I was most definitely wobbly!

I hobbled towards his street door and was wondering if I was going to be able to do this? I had to get clear cello-tape, printer paper and … hmmm, oh yeah deodorant on the way but I ended up deciding not to do that!

Great! The one time I remember things I need to get and something else stops me!

It was while hobbling home I thought that if I get stuck I will ring '999' but if I can somehow manage to get home I will just ring '111' to check and kept telling myself it would be gone in the morning. I bloody hope it does not get any worse!

But when I phoned '111' they sounded a little concerned and I thought 'oh feck!'. Next thing I knew I had a very pleasant and chatty paramedic at my door!

While I was waiting I thought I would do a check on-line to see if anxiety can be so bad that it can cause you to lose the feelings or use of the legs? I did find one forum that seemed to say that it can and does but many kept talking about something called Neuromyotonia I think it was? Or Isaac's Syndrome, great another bloody 'syndrome' to add to my collection, I thought. But looking through it did sound a little like Fibromyalgia, was apparently bloody rare and I decided it could not be that.

Wooo boy. This is somewhat frightening. I simply cannot live without the use of legs and I hope that it does not become extreme, permanent or even FREQUENT?!

I am a big fan of Family Guy and always think how horrible it would be to lose the use of your legs like that, despite how super nimble they make him.

I have always felt sorry for anyone confined to a wheelchair and due to my feet and leg pains have always had a deep seated anxiety that would happen to me and what would I do?! If it occurred out of the blue I would be on my own, no one to turn to.

Yeesh!

My God. How would it even affect someone at my age? Suddenly losing mobility completely? I imagine that anyone born with hit, or had it from an early stage would have gotten used to it in certain circumstances? When things do occur with me it does make me think of others and there difficulties. It is a major reason why I started blogging in the first place.

The anxiety has died down somewhat, how the hell does it do that? Come and go when it pleases?! Maybe it is because I have become worried about my legs, or more accurately my mobility, in some twisted way?

I am in a mess I was put in by a very cold and calculating public service that has left me with a mountain to do and a fight to … umm fight! Why is this happening?!

As I told the paramedic I am fiercely independent and do not like asking for help nor easily accept help of others. Not that I get offered that much but I do from certain individuals from time to time.

I also told the paramedic that now I am talking to someone the anxiety has died down, it can sometimes do that. Apart from today when it hit me while watching some famous Boxing match with a friend and while sitting down!

Good God, the human body can be such a bloody messy pile of … bits … and stuff! Such a dysfunctional mess. I envy other people, even when I was at the same friend's house the other day and he had a tennis match on … I would say the line judges standing there motionless and I feel soo jealous that they are able to do that!

In fact I see people just about anywhere doing just about anything and I get jealous of their normal … arse … ways!

That is how I stumbled across tranhumanism in the first place. Hmm did I get that right? 'Trans .. humanism'?

When will it end? Or just, when will it get easier?!

Ahhh just found the following site mentioning a symptom of Fibromylagia called 'Weak Shaky Legs', how original?

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms/weak-legs.shtml

THE MOVING & THE SWAYING

Oooh boy am I stoned!

Due to some anxiety I decided that it would be a good idea to double up on my Amitriptyline for a few days until I see my GP?

I had also not realised that after waking a little after 4am, and alarm bells over that going off in a big way, but omly falling asleep a little after 2am I had not had a lot of sleep.

Being a Fibromyalgia sufferer we do not get restorative sleep at the best of times!

Restorative sleep is the most important part and comes after REM sleep and it is what it says where the mind and body go through checks and repairing of things. Muscles repaired, toxins repaired, brain cells flushed along with skin and a great number of things. Your talking about a whole body. The brain does not do what we need it to do.

This has serious consequences and likely the main reason our memories do not function correctly each and every day? That particular symptom has a name all of its own,, Fibrofog.

Anyway I had planned to go and see someone and ... well make an appointment. I went to hunt down some Mega Marshmallows and realised I was feeling a little light headed. It still did not occur to me what was going on. I caught a bus that has a terrible, terrible route and 'goes all around the houses' before it gets anywhere near my home. The bus route goes out its way at least three times and in opposite ways throughout its whole route.

Annoyingly it also does not go anywhere near a hospital!

So I am sitting on the bus, thinking how my feet are not too bad today while focusing on the light headed feeling. I realised it was intensifying. Before long I was stoned and every time the bus went around a corner I felt like I was in a boat as the bus swayed left and then right.

In fact it was so intense I wondered whether I should get off the bus by my Doctor's surgery?!

Also the nodding off has increased in my brains desire to just give in. Just now I had my head flung backwards and withj my eyes closed while trying to type out this post! Lol!

Sleeeeeepy ... must ... resist!

I was planning to order an item tomorrow to replace one I have that is very faulty and that would be my Moto G phone. I am sure many would be pleased to hear that is it has played up fairly badly in calling and texting. Added to this the screen surface has more or less worn through. Plus I have noted that I can leave it to charge with screen off for 3 hours and its only half full?!

So battery buggered. Some mornings I get up and there is still 75% on the phone while otherr times it can drain right down to the point of switching itself off. Weird that.

I have never had to phone 999 while I am out but not only do I know that day is coming but I have been ordered to to do is I have another bad seizure.