THE ANONYMOUS Q

Well this one has been popping up in titles on YouTube videos of late.

One was with Lionel Nation but he talked as if the viewer already knew what it was and not being an American I couldn't quite follow.

Anyway .. a few days later there was a video by someone called Black Pilled or something? Not familiar with the author but thought I'd give it a look.

Boy it's damn hot today here in the UK.

Anyway he explained it briefly and I thought, hell this is something I should look into.

Now I've been trying to get my own stories that go back ten years and some as far as twenty into the news for fecking years. To, surprisingly, no avail.

I recently discovered that a lead singer in an old band that used to sit outside my old flat talking to mates has been going through something similar.

Same subject of paedophiles but we are both at different ends of the spectrum.

Except we've both had, or tried to, contact the same individuals as well as the same organisations. Listening to him explain it was kinda .. well .. spooky!

His name is Brian Harvey and his band is East 17, named after an area in East London called Walthamstow where my family lived for like thirty years. Not any longer though. Although I'm not that far away presently, just a single bus ride.

So this Q Anon thing seems to mention the same kinds of things but in America. I took a look on Twatter and the tweets are full of all kinds of things ..

Namely paedophilia going on in politics, so to my surprise the pizzagate name rears it's head once again.

Also going on in Hollywood, now referred to by most as Hollyweird.

This QAnon thing though. I got my hopes up once before over the .. other Anonymous who have gone silent and had many impersonators pop up. This time they are promising all kinds of things going down?!

Is this for real?!

I've now told someone that each time I get a name I think I can trust I go and see a report somewhere by someone showing that they cannot be trusted.

Even with this new .. group I wonder if it's not some secret government thing to distract us .. divide and conquer or even route out your biggest enemies?

Probably not a good idea to comment on it but then I don't think I come close to being anyone's biggest enemy?!

But then considering what has happened, my current situation. The fact that all financial help had been cut off. The fact that I'm homeless right now and lost £20k plus. Maybe I am?

They've been going after my daughter and grandchildren too and even my daughter has gone from thinking I'm mad to a believer. Only took ten years.

We don't think we will be alive for very much longer and if we are not bumped off our health conditions are likely to kill us.

We also often talk about how death seems the only way to stop the pain and suffering.

Yeah it's that bad.

In the UK people throw themselves off motorway bridges in what seems like a weekly event. Near my daughter it seemed to happen once a month, Birkenhead if you want to check. Someone in Newcastle claimed it happens once a week there.

It's been known for a long time, called Calum's List, that over 130,000 people had committed suicide since 2011. Except that figures been used in the House of Commons yet several years ago that's what the number was. So it's not only out of date but not even close.

Outcome out action? None.

It's a been reported that the health service have caused a similar amount of deaths. Action and outcome? None.

That leaves a large number of other public services out there and God knows if there is anything else like this.

In recent times it's been claimed by some that this is a deliberate culling of the most vulnerable people. Disabled people and it certainly appears that way.

Of course all this affected remain bind, point the fingers are the wrong people and remain far too politically correct.

I'll have to add some tweets and YouTube videos about the QAnon stuff at the bottom.

So I've been fighting the system since before the financial crisis started. But I'm running out of energy, options and .. effectively .. road!

For the longest time I kept thinking it will end in six months time but never did. I'd get some evidence I thought would end it but it never did. I'd find out some scientific and health facts I thought would end it and guess what happened? Nothing.

Yet I see them bending over backwards to help people on TV and it's all bullshit. Fake.

You get adverts with fucking celebs that only exist to make themselves look good while asking others with 1% of what they have to help others. So making themselves look good while they don't have to do anything themselves. Great. Each had enough to feed a third world country for a whole fucking year. But we have to do it for them? What's even more infuriating is people but this garbage?! Jesus!

Yeah so I understand it fully when I see others on YouTube or Twatter that get angry with others and claim they are blind, naive and stupid.

Even if nothing else it must be noted how odd it is, evidence aside, that this is being said in most European countries, the UK and the USA .. does body think this is more than a coincidence? 

Hollywood being a massive paedophile ring when it seems that every other week something is coming out from people involved?

Just the other day I saw a self made video of a Hollywood actor, not familiar to me, who claimed that there is way more shit going on in Hollywood than even the biggest conspiracy theorists theorise?!

Odd because that's how it's claimed to be right here in the UK.

I wonder if we're going to start hearing similar things in each of the countries in Europe?

It's always easy to have doubts though. You think it would be hard to keep a lid on anything especially if the whole world is constantly looking in?

• Be this UFO abductions ..
• Hollywood paedophile rings ..
• Or anything else, tinfoil here required or otherwise?

I mean I sometimes see actions and have recently that suggest a tin-foil hey theory might be going on ..

First they attend years storing food plant seeds before starting on all other seeds.

Then increases in planetary activity takes place for all the see but gets denied. Volcanic and seismic activity.

Weather hottest and driest it's ever been?

But if there was something coming you know they just wouldn't tell you. They simply wouldn't.

Because .. just as they have always managed to do they have failed to prepare.

So they might need to build massive underground cities or .. massive submarines, aka film 2012, or even giant spacecraft, space stations or cities in the moon to live in until it's all over.

Now if something was coming do you think people withdraw carry on working to pay then taxes to save themselves? Do you think they would actually work on these things not intended to save the lives of the workers? No .. they would not. I fecking wouldn't!

So yeah .. they wouldn't tell you anyway.

Funny how they talk about others have self-entitlement issues and they are the absolute worst.

Oh yeah and the news report that the UK is stockpiling both food and medicine doesn't look good either and but does the excuse as to why they are doing this.

Oh yeah and let's not forget about the sudden announcements of spaceports?! Something like half a dozen or more just in the UK alone?! Weird.

There's tens of thousands of satellites orbiting the Earth and they have moaned about all this junk for years ..

With everything everyone had put to there already so you really believe they need half a dozen launch pads in the small country of the UK to send to more?!

Think of all the land Russia, America and China has.

Now I'm into astronomy and I've wanted to see man go to Mars and a laboratory on the Moon for years. Ever since I was a kid.

But then NASA suddenly reveals its plan to build a base on the surface of the Moon within ten years?

I was like "Err where the feck did that come from?!"

So after spending years thinking how late we are at doing these things that suddenly gets announced.

Yeah and all these privileged people and their luxury lives have what it takes to survive and help the human race continue on? Lol.

In fact I've already covered this and if QAnon come out with details about some secret plan anything like I quoted of be over the moon ..

.. until I remembered that ..

• A comet we coming or ..
• An asteroid was coming or ..
• An ice age was coming or ..
• The world was about to have a global drought or ..
• An epidemic was about to sweep the globe or ..
• Continental Shift was about to take place .. or ..
• Magnetic flip was about to take place .. or ..
• Nuclear War was about to take place .. or ..
• The nearby star was about to go supernova and bathe the Earth in deadly Gamma rays and other cosmic radiation.

Long list isn't it?

Probably missed one or two?

One things for certain and absolutely nobody can deny this ..

There is a whole long list of some very bizarre things going on in the world right now.

It's not even confined to just one or two countries either. But seemingly everywhere.

It's one big giant distraction. But if it's intended then you have to ask, by who and .. why?

I'm often stating to people, even those I've only just met, like this is all intended to turn society against one another. I always get a raised eyebrow and agreement from that. Because it's something they had not considered previously.

What scares me is if either my daughter or I ever come across a miracle to save our own personal nightmares affecting is currently .. will we just exchange this for another inevitable nightmare that is widespread doom?

Good God I need a beer!

It is like living the film The Purge .. only in that death would be a lot quicker and probably with a lot less suffering and pain. I am guessing? 

It has been bad enough already, certainly enough to self-harm and God knows how bad things will get before it is all over?! I effing dread to think! I only need to grow the gonads one time to see that through .. to the proverbial end.

Asked all those you can think of for help and guess what? One of the worst cases of mental health problems due to two sets of the worst circumstances and victims of some of the worst crimes and conspiracies and .. nothing.

I wonder who the fuck actually gets any help in the UK and what all these people receiving money actually fucking do?! All of them!

Here is a Wikipedia page regarding Qanon but please bear in mind that despite where you hear it from. especially mainstream media, not everything is as it first appears ..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QAnon

Qanon's Twitter Page ..

https://twitter.com/qanon76 ..

I think? I do not know a great deal about this person or group.

Wish I could come into contact with a group like this in the UK .. hell, yeah. If only?

THE END

I cannot do this any longer.

I have been on a severe anxiety low for a few days and added to this I have tried to find a way out of my current predicament and I cannot.

In fact I only seem to find more bad news that sends me further down. One that set me off was that you cannot get benefits while being homeless .. which looks kind of inevitable.

The symptoms are also getting too much, unable to get my prescription pills has not helped. This motion sickness type thing has even developed from feeling like the train is falling when riding one to feeling like I am falling each night when I get tired and close my eyes.

There are the usual pains of my feet, back and shoulders though this has now been accompanied by severe aching in my thigh muscles, which comes about by way of a magnesium deficiency.

The NHS and consecutive GPs have failed me time after time after time and I have had my known facts and other suspicions confirmed. Report after report of the government meddling and corrupting the NHS from Nurses through to GPs and up to hospitals.

I am staying in a home that is absolute torture .. bullied and stressed out all of the time and now my anxiety has made me .. bed bound for a few days now.

My heart is either feeling like a hand is on it squeezing it tight or my heartbeats are beating out of my chest which feel really uncomfortable, when it is not racing.

The one thing that is probably happening that I do not feel is my blood pressure is up .. but that might be about to change as I have gone of food. Which matters not.

I do not have the guts, quite obviously, to take my own life in many ways. So the fact I have gone off food, something I have done before, makes it easy for me to go on a type of hunger strike until the eventual and inevitable happens.

Today someone is calling me that will want me to go and stay somewhere for a few nights .. a kind of suicide refuge .. place. But I do not know and very much doubt if I can get there. I was in contact with them once before and never managed to get there that time.

I have tried .. I have tried to get out taking photographs for my Flickr account and have been adding to my corruption, British Wildlife and A Feel for Photos blogs so I have been trying. But like the refuge people said to me in an email ..

“That is far too much to take on”

All requests for help all think that just talking about it, therefore talking you out of it, are the answer and they are not. Not for many occasions. This is fine if it purely on an emotional level but as I said to the Samaritans .. sometimes only practical help will change anything.

My legal help has not amounted to much either and I am going to have to email her too and explain that I wont be able to get to the court hearing over my PIP!

Outside of my inheritance which has all gone thanks to the public services seeing a chance to save even more money .. everything else I have tried has never worked out. Just look through this blog and it goes back six years .. but then that was what I had intended. Because I thought many things prior to starting my blogs and one was that nothing ever works out. Despite the number of charities and help groups out there .. when you go to them nothing gets done either. You just get fobbed off or have these obstacles put in your place they expect you to dance around. Often even the first thing you see on their websites is a plea for people to donate money.

Then you get to the stage that you want to curl up and die and it takes all your will power just to get to the fucking lavatory and then they want you to go her and go there .. which just ends up with the same results as al the others .. so why bother? Done all that before .. gets you nowhere.

Of course I have also believed that there would be powers that would try to thwart me and .. well that certainly seems to be the case.

I even had someone who contacted me via a dating site .. who turned out to have .. gone through the interview process for MI5, sent me a picture of a GCHQ Puzzle Book, Cosmos book (I own the DVD set), Hawking's a Brief History of Time (I also own), Sky At Night Magazines, quantum mechanic books and .. one with a cover having Schroedinger's Cat on it and Advanced Mathematics. Oh and one on biological warfare some thought might have been a threat? It has been well known for years, even my third girlfriend knew this one twenty years ago, that I was into redheads. Take a guess at the hair colour of this woman? Red. Oh and she also deleted her account a little after giving me her phone number.

Now what does that all sound like to you?

I have referred to this before but I did not say too much about it because I was probably never going to be sure and it could have been a trap. I publish the recordings and her photo and .. well .. they could never be proved to be of a clandestine organisation .. masquerade as a private individual and I could have had my blog shut down. Yeah I was onto that one pretty early but then I would never have published until I was sure and that was unlikely to ever happen anyway.

That reminds me .. I have to get the recordings of her off my phone and onto another computer .. for someone else to publish at a later date.

In fact I suppose I am going to have to think up other things I need to do other than the ones I have already done?! I need to start making a list out.

Well it looks like they will get their wish. I have had enough of all this and .. it will take time but I am not playing this game any more. There will be the odd post but in time .. or maybe sooner if I get the guts .. or something sets me off to do it, this will be ending before very long.

I tried cutting my wrists again but its just too damn difficult. Probably because I am doing that too slowly? I am coming around to thinking that it has to be a quick hard action?

Anyway .. there may be the odd post .. and I will continue to link stories in here but there are likely to be larger .. gaps between some posts.

I am going to lose energy, no doubt, so that will be problematic along the way.

I may end up in this .. refuge centre .. I am just unsure about that right now.

I cannot stop the pain and the pain is too great. Just in my own personal life ..

.. then there are the things I am going to have to endure watching before long .. my daughter's cervical cancer, Fibromyalgia and blood clot, missed, ignored and fecked up .. in that order. Added to this is severe Autism being ignored in one granddaughter, severe seizures being ignored in another granddaughter. All under an area where the healthcare is already, or has previously been, listed as inadequate they are now seriously trying to cover up.

I will continue to fight on here for as long as I can .. and am able.

THE RETURN OF THE ANX

Yeah well I was worried about that zombie like feeling I was having earlier. I thought it seemed a little familiar.

I am having the anxiety coming back.

I have been sitting here zombie watching YouTube videos I am not even interested in and I have noticed my Internet runs out tonight, great timing.

I was meant to go out get some tobacco from the local store but I cannot seem to ... drive myself to do it. Feck! God, I hate this shit I really do.

I dated someone years ago that self-harmed. I did not know a great deal about people doing that or why and always thought it was somewhat odd. However whenever I have had periods of anxiety since then,, that were bad, I wondered if self-harming would actually help? I thought that maybe in instances whereby something being wrong caused an overload of feelings that the mind cannot cope with that the self-harming might be a way to ... counter act these feelings?

Well it kinda does ... momentarily it seems.

I was suffering and panicking that the anxiety would get worse, in which the panicking probably performs another case of self-fulfilling prophecy type thing, when I spotted a pen-knife near where I sat.

I decided to put things to the test and went for the top left shoulder around my Deltoids The knife is not very sharp and take some ... effort.

This came about because despite being able to experience very intense pains ... there are some things that affect the mins that can be greater than most. There are a few things that have cause so intense pain that it would not be wanted ... by any sane person that is. Or really anyone at all now that I think about those pains.

Ugh.

Just thinking about the MRI as I had a call on an old number I have not used any more and I answered it and it turned out to be the hospital where the MRI is being done. It seems they wanted to move it forward slightly. Not a good sign that. Not put it off until the next available day but bring it forward. Not something I have ever had done before, normally when they have wanted to change something they postpone it a couple of days to a couple of weeks.

It is just that I did not sleep good the last couple of nights and I got an immediate depressing feeling wondering whether I will get to the appointment on time? It is a better time than I previously had which was 5.45pm ... just early enough that there is a slight possibility of a problem.

Of course this is far the MRI on my head. Ordered due to very frequent blackouts and a full on seizure and though I had just one where I fell completely unconscious I have managed to stop several others by feeling a strong one coming on and dropping my body, to a crouched, seated or just low position sometimes even on my knees.

Along with the irritation on my forehead above my eye socket, pain within my eye socket, hearing problems and nasal problems I have had for a very long time the collection of symptoms do not look good. I have even had stomach cramping really bad and actually read somewhere that this symptom can also be linked to the possible brain tumour? God knows how that one works?

The funny thing is I am not majorly concerned about having something that is terminal and that very likely sounds completely mad.

But the way that I feel right now and just as I have felt in the past like this ... you just want it to end. I can honestly say that each time I have been like this I thought it would never happen again once I had gotten through it and that even if I did experience it, it would not be as bad as the last.

But I have not only gone on to experience it all over again but it has been worst with each following experience.

I mean ... my legs shut down for Christ's sake.

When that happened I was shocked on one level but then when I had a chance to think about it and analyse it I was not really that surprised at all. The levels of anxiety were cataclysmic. You cannot do anything and you cannot enjoy anything.

You might take it for granted by thinking about a film that is coming out in several months time that you desperately want to see? Or there might be a computer game coming out you desperately want to play? It could be something else linked to a hobby you have? A doll, a remote control car or plane or even a book? When your fanatical about something sometimes you cannot think of anything else. It is like Doctor Who fans that cannot wait for the next series to be aired.

Imagine for a moment something that affects you this way? It might even be a sports car or something? Just think about the various things that would have you pumped up and excited until you got your hands on whatever it is you want or see what you cannot wait to see?

Right then ... now ... could you imagine anything ever managing to dowse those feelings?

I have many of them from gaming to music and even scientific discoveries.

I recently got the Radiohead album A Moon Shaped Pool but have not got as much pleasure out of it as I normally would and did not even get it until it had been out a couple of weeks!

Well there is a game I really am fanatical about playing and it has been out and I have no plans to buy it, Deus Ex Mankind Divided. I loved the last one.

I have not watched any of my blu-ray movies for a few weeks. In fact in the last 6 weeks I have probably watched three, the Transformer movies. For some reason, lol. In that time it would normally be between one and two dozen of my movies. Plus I would have purchased three or four and yet I have bought none for a couple of weeks and in the last 6 to 8 weeks only bought Batman v Superman and did not enjoy that as much as I would normally have done.

You start to wonder what the point is. You start to wonder if your going to be living somewhere and not having some threat you can do nothing about looming above you and your life.

The worst part about it is that you do not want to feel nor think like this but you cannot control it and it controls you.

Worst of all, as some readers may have even learnt for themselves, is that you try to talk to friends and family and they just say "Well don't think like that" and you feel like answering with a sarcastic "Oh well fuck me, why did I not think of that?!" Worse still is whenever you talk to a medical professional and they tell you stuff like that. Or tell you to occupy yourself by doing something you enjoy?! At that point you realise hey either simply do not get it or are complete idiots.

In the end you either try not to talk about it, avoid people so that you do not end up talking about it or you try very hard to hide the deep fear and anxiety you are experiencing. Engaging in light conversation when your heart fells like its clenched like a tight fist and being pulled apart in all directions at once.

Along with the intellectual side of things it is another area where I, or you might even, long for talk with someone ... anyone that understands.

So yeah when you think you might be told you have a shortened period of time to live when you feel like this you can easily imagine yourself saying ...

"Yeah, whatever. Just give me the letters so I can stop the DWP and Local Council from sticking the knife in and twisting it!"

Any enjoyment or pleasure that you could have from anything in life will just get drowned out completely by the sheer anxiety and fears you experience.

According to books I have read and research done Fibromyalgia affects your 'Fight & Flight' responses to which case I might have two or three guys wanna fight me and I will say "Alrighty then!" but then something such as these faceless wankers at the DWP and Local Council doing something to you and you fall to pieces. This can either be extremely fast or might gradually come over you slowly. There is no lesser of two evils with this one. You either feel like you have been hit by a Locomotive or you feel something building up slowly, realise what is coming and start to panick and eventually panicking over when it will level out and will ever stop.

But there is a point ... a level. Once traversing past this point everything in your world just melts away into insignificance. This horrid feeling along with the waiting and not knowing just takes over everything.

You start to look for help, you start approaching people and in the first times people experience this they think "Oh once I speak to my Doctor everything will be fine, he will give me a pill to take" but when that does not work you think hospitals, psychiatrists and all these help and advice group that there are so many of it is ludicrous.

I myself have already been through the GP and been given Propranalol and today is the first time that the anxiety seems to have bled through. Maybe I just need a slightly higher dose,, but this does not bloody well help in the here and now!

I have also contacted a few people and have even filled out a homeless persons form ... umm thingy with Enfield Council as they seem to take over 3 weeks to answer and I look like I will be homeless in four.

I have also contacted a couple of other organisations to do with being homeless and ... well I just hope they are not like the Citizen's Advice where they expect you to jump through very small hoops?!

And that is most likely why people self-harm? Because overloading emotions, fear and feelings are not going to hold back until someone decides they are going to do something or help you?

Suffering Patient: "Doc! I wnnd to this and I want to do that and I want to die! I cannot stand this feeling for a minute longer!"

Doc: "That is terrible ... come and see me in four days time."

Patient thinks 'what the feck! I will likely be dead by then?!'

In the end and once you have had these things long enough, provided your still alive, or you have had them return enough times you get forlorn. You start reaching out and asking for help but you know in the back of your mind that all the times you did this previously it did not come to much and took forever to get there.

More terrible examples of the overpaid people of various public services trying to save us money by making us suffer I am afraid to say.