THE ROCKS & THE HARD PLACES

Sometimes I honestly cannot believe how life has turned out.

There is not a single day where I do not wonder what in the fuck happened and what in the actual fuck is going on.

Let me give you a run down of last night ..

Spending another day stuck in a real life living hell and wondering yet again how I got here and quite how I am going to get out after spending four days taking down seven really nasty, evil, selfish bad guy bullies which including professionals on Twitter I get called out of my room.

So mid doing .. something on Twitter while trying to watch a film about a little girl in World War 2 I get a knock on my door and told someone wants me.

Now let me tell you this .. two of us were demanded to go to another room about a technical problem .. same problem with a phone and a tablet. Already explained.

• Rant starts while I have to stand and listen
• Goes on for 20 minutes .. one of us gets annoyed at the woe is me rant about how terrible their life is, yup worst narcissistic leftist you could ever meet .. EVER
• She then rants that one is refusing to listen
• Another 10 minutes ranting that the other one does not want to listen to the rant
• I ask her to continue several times
• She rants that I am not letting her rant
• I tell her it has nothing to do with her problem
• She rants that she is not allowed to rant .. again
• I tell her that if she was in a store doing this they would have charged her £40 to rant and probably told her to fuck off by now
• She rants about that
• She rants about side effects to pills for mild epilepsy that has never been confirmed and none of us have witnessed .. like it is the worst thing in the world ..
• One side effect she rants about she CLAIMS causes memory loss .. a side effect
• No other nor serious health issues
• Forgets that I have a confirmed issue with memory loss that is on my medical records sitting 10 feet away
• Forgets that when forced to stand my feet hurt
• Forgets that I have a serious heart issue and the fact that I am clasping my chest she also shows no fucking sign of that either
• I tell her that she has pulled me away from defending someone from a nasty evil bully on the Internet and she says the following .. because shes a total fucking nit and the worst kind of narcissistic leftist bitching ranter you could ever wish to meet ..
• “Oh marvellous! Well I WISH someone would defend ME for a change!”
• I lose it ..
• “Defend you from what?! Go on defend you from FUCKING WHAT?!”
• Bitching and moaning about how terrible he life and her health is despite the fact she has had this mild epilepsy no ones ever seen for several years she claims is worse than terminal cancer .. and side effects from a pill is sooo terrible
• Might I add that several relatives refuse to have anything to do with her
• As she tries to rant about her side effects and mild epilepsy because she has come out with bullshit because like all leftist socialists that are fucking amoral .. she cannot answer the question about what it is she needs defending from I say this ..
• “Yes and more DAUGHTER .. has an operation for cervical cancer in five fucking days time!”
• A little fact she is unaware of despite the fact that she tells everyone on the phone that I keep on at her all the time telling her everything that is going on .. and I keep telling everyone that I do not ..
• She did not know that little detail

To cap it off I had an intense toothache that throbbed like there was no tomorrow and ended up having a pretty shit night.

All my days and nights are shit .. it is merely a matter of how shit that they turn out to be and last night was a particularly shit one.

The leftists closest thing to a sibling .. a cousin called Anne has refused to speak to her for five years. One son refuses to speak to her at all. One daughter she bitches about is on and off talking to her and has a go at me if she gets it in the ear about me.

No one has learnt not to moan about the person she is going on about at the time because if it is not that thing or that person it will be something or someone else. But she has spent years turning everyone else against each other.

I have told people .. she does it deliberately .. she is the worst kind of SJW or NPC and she will literally cause trouble intentionally … basically goad you into having a go at her so that she can then go off and create her victim card.

Now here is the thing ..

There is no one to take any notice of her victim cards?!

She has three people .. her daughter who she moans does not listen or give her enough attention, yeah really. He partner whose an amoral twat whose three kids have not spoken to him in 20 years and her own other. Her own mother who tells us on the sly that her daughter is often too much.

Now here is the mentality of a leftist .. when she is not getting attention she then tries to put the fault and blame with her four kids because ..

• We are not like her
• We are all right-wing like out father, one BBC killed
• We ever listen to her
• We have never agreed with her extreme left-wing politics
• We never fail to realise that she is lying through her teeth because what she accuses us of and tries to blame our dead father for .. actually applies to everyone she has ever met in 50 years
• But in her fucked up twisted leftist mind she thinks that if she can keep repeating the same fucking tripe .. she will eventually be right and we will eventually giver her attention
• That is why I am so good at arguing with LEFTISTS!

Now are you surprised by all that? Are you actually sitting there and thinking that there is no way that this could be as bad ans this guy is describing?

Yeah I have a friend called Mario who was a social worker for Camden Council for over 20 years and he thought we were unkind. He thought I was being over the top. He thought there was no way that anyone, even a hard-left person could be that bad.

This is what he does today ..

At a large boot sale where they both go .. both Mario and his partner Nancy .. keep an eye out because this woman frequents the same Boot Sale .. if they see her they ..

• DUCK AND RUN!!
• Told two of us once he was sorry
• That after meeting her a couple of times that realised not only were we not exaggerating or being extremely unfair ..
• That she is actually far worse then we described

At this point have you got your hand over your mouth in disbelief?

Are you wondering how someone, a leftist, can be that selfish and knowingly aggravate someones serious and painful health conditions for nothing more than they want to rant and have some attention?

That this person seriously needs to speak to a professional psychiatrist?

Are you wondering how anyone survives this?

I am afraid it gets better ..

Want to know why I was ordered out of my 8ft by 5ft 10 prison cell?

Because she expected two people to help her remember the password to an iPad she had entered wrong several times and was now locked out for an hour and therefore could not be entered anyway.

Told her a hundred times over 6 years to buy a fucking book and a fucking pen and write them down .. and the absolute shit she comes out with .. pure lies like all leftists because they have to appear to be right.

“Oh you don't know what its like?! There are too many passwords to remember! I am not the only one (LEFTIST CRAP THIS ONE) as EVERYONE is moaning about it on the Internet!”

Her passwords?

• Google phone
• Apple
• Facebook she never uses
• Wifi

No Twitter, no news subscriptions, no cloud storage, no photo sharing sites, no GAB, no blogging, not even aware of Bitchute, Vidme or any of the others lesser known things. No music apps or subscription services. Just those four!

So when I point out that I manage and with a memory issues and with three dozen passwords her get out of being caught is this “Oh I am old!” to which last night I answered ..

“Oh fuck off, I was just chatting to a guy on Twitter in his 70's!”

Bearing in mind her mother is still alive!

If her life so so fucking bad why is it that I very literally hate waking up the next morning after she pulls her leftist self centred crap and I very literally want to leave the house and walk into the path of the first oncoming lorry to end the pain?

Social Worker Party ex-member! Fucking thirty years arguing with her socialism does not nor will ever work and you cant destroy a country on a gamble and totally ignores facts, history, mathematics like all fucking mad loony leftists.

Lives in centre of London .. and for five years has been constantly bringing up something she told us she got wrong that she want accept. Another fruit loop leftist thing .. cannot leave things alone, cannot accept facts or science or history for that matter. The leftist repeat-repeat-repeat until it becomes truth ..

.. are you ready?

In her 8ft by 8ft concrete garden in the centre of London she saw ..

• Large Copper Butterfly -Lycaena dispar
• Extinct in Britain since 1851
• Family of animal experts .. not her
• We are all wrong .. she knows what she saw

Or how about ..

• Pie & Mash?
• Only Londoners will get this ..
• Her Pie & Mash is better than the Pie Mash shops
• Pie from packet out of Asda, Parsley Sauce and Mashed Potatoes
• Shops are famous for their Pies you cannot get anywhere else
• But as she cooks it it has to be the best in the world ..
• Despite the pie being a cheap Asda frozen pie

Life has the most cruel sense of humour when it comes to my life .. it was bearable and I could get by but .. yeah .. lately .. it seems to have one hell of a sick and cruel hand of fate vibe about it.

She complains no one is like her and has no idea that I am God damn thankful that I am not because I would not be able to stand myself and certainly would take my own life being like that!

Abandoned by all public services .. no GP, no Dentist, no income, Google screwed me because of the politics on my blog I am proving with each passing day on Twitter. Daughter repeatedly raped as a child and had two children as a child. She now with cervical cancer. If being abandoned by our own government, the DWP, Local Councils, NHS and Police among all the help and advice agencies .. we got no help, compensation of any kind and are even being persecuted and had our lives destroyed.

All the details alluded to in that last paragraph and others I have not mentioned, like ombudsman and bailiffs, can be found on the various posts on my blog.

Going after bad guys bullying others and making threats to people on Twitter is currently all I have to stop me going insane.

Related to the worst leftist of all time short of Stalin himself and hence why I am so good at dealing with leftists on Twitter as I know what they are going to do and say before there NPC algorithms even .. EXECUTE! Which is what most of the would like to do to me.

THE FOCUSED MIND

Was trying to read about metallic hydrogen.

Good God, the human mind is a temperamental beast!

It's so hard to do anything when your mind is constantly being torn in different directions.

It's also impossible to get to grips with this when you have seemingly impossible hurdles that are numerous and a thousand things racing through your mind.

I was given a film weeks ago and the other day I was asked if I had watched it ..

"The blu-ray player hasn't even been plugged in for three months now!" I replied.

We talked about music too and I forget if I mentioned but .. I found my music player I haven't seen for more than six months in a place of checked three times or more?! Yeah .. as I said .. the mind is a God damn pain in the arse in my case and for many reasons. In to the next bit ..

I told them that lately I was not calm or relaxed enough to even enjoy music. Christ I have a hard enough time even focusing on a simple short TV episode!

Gaming?! Yeah .. forget it!

What I do manage to do but I end up giving up is uploading photographs of mine to try and sell. But this in itself is a long, laborious and in my opinion, unfair process. It's also a very bad process in each case. Oh I'm sure the hosts think they are professional, are doing it right and their websites are great? But .. no!

In fact I got very almost completely rejected by one site who only approved one single solitary photo out of two dozen. Umm .. the one photo accepted was the one photo I was sure would be rejected?!

That was Adobe Stock, formerly Folio, and to be fair because of the lower pay I thought I could get away with photographs I wasn't so keen on myself. Turned out neither were they. I was just thinking about having a wider selection of photos across several sites. Well .. three sites in actual fact.

I was curious about the rejection and the reasons sooo .. I thought I would put something to the test?

I picked photos that have been accepted by a site many place at the top of their lists. I wondered if the two sites might treat the photos differently? If they did then you know I'm going to have to ask why this is?!

I wondered, after being even further down about it all day a few days back, if I was going to the wrong sites?

I post process many pictures to make something look interesting. I might add softness on rare occasions, normally flowers. I mostly go for different tones in a black and white image. Sometimes I go artistic by posterising the picture. If I play around and don't like it then I don't convert it to a jpeg.

Maybe when I do this they are no longer classes as photos? I was rather surprised none insisted on uploading the original RAW file too.

I did start trying to look for sites that sell illustrations and artistic pictures though I can't see my post-processed pictures falling into either category. I also was having focus and anxiety issues and gave up after a few minutes. My fingers were having difficulties touching the damn touchpad again too.

To be honest and I thought that after my last outing getting photographs that I would have had two or three days out by now but I haven't.

Well this is to do with my health and those health conditions being aggravated by the public services. Intentional or otherwise.

In fact so many things seem to happen at just the wrong time that even my daughter now believes it is all by design.

In fact she realises it's just like this with her too now and has been for a long time.

She's sorry she didn't believe and trust me ten years ago. Two of her friends have said that since I returned to London.

Each of us having a horrific life story to tell which combined .. blows many stories out of the water.

The shear suffering, actions against us, the longevity of this whole thing and the fact that children are suffering too. So bad was it that many didn't believe it for many years. In some cases many, many years.

Yet we both at our worst points right now and with something going on for days I know no details about it's .. pretty .. bad.

I didn't eat again last night .. still no idea what I weigh currently but I saw my hip bone sticking out while lying on my side. That's a first .. I think.

My heart is playing it's tricks and my anxiety is doing it's thing too.

What was I doing and saying? Ooh yeah, metallic hydrogen. Interesting stuff if I could focus on the more complex parts of the damn report!

Good God I really, really hate feeling like this. I am not able enough to do many things. Have too many things to do. Can't god damn remember half the time. It would be easier and a lot more peaceful if I just died.

I do have someone to ring for help, though I very much doubt I'll get the correct help?

But I've not been able to make that call because there's been a real and present danger of something happening out of the blue. I just do not know what that is.

This might mean I have no choice but to travel and I'm fucking scared about that. Talking just around London here too, as stupid add that sounds.

I also think about how little help I've had, despite the promises, and that if I'm getting worse what will the future be like even in just five years?

Fucking terrifying is what.

At times like these, which sadly is most days, you get the odd flutter in the chest but every now and then it's .. boom!

In fact there's even different types of 'boom' that go on with my heart.

• One I'm sure it's caused by Anxiety
• One I'm sure it's caused by Tachycardia
• One I'm sure it's caused by Palpitations

If they aren't bad enough the sudden lack of energy is even worse. If you've ever been any sort of athlete and also experienced hitting that physical wall then it's just like that. Your legs just don't want to work and regardless of where you are you just want to lay down. Here where I currently am it's impossible to go absolutely anywhere and just lay down.

I use to know that living in the countryside would help me a great deal with my symptoms, not to mention my photography. Now it seems like an unreachable necessity.

Though after recent incidents I'm still not even sure if I'd cope?!

And that's just a tiny insight into what scrambles my brain on a daily basis.

Made worse by the stupid, naive and purely moronic suggestions I get off people on how to deal with this.

Many fail to see the issues. Some fail to see you can't fight chemicals out of balance biologically or health conditions.

They think there is some magic switch which is exactly the way the powers that be in this country want them to think.

It's also why a quarter of a million people have died and continue to die.

That's the hardest part for me. All those deaths and the attitudes are still 'fuck you' more or less.

Yeah well if that's your attitude give me fecking pill to end it humanely.

That way your saving money .. oh no wait I don't fucking receive any money. At all!

Yeah because I'm sure me disappearing and my blogs ceasing will allow them to sleep better at night.

Well .. saying that in discovering a lot of people trying to go after the real truths and publish and talk about them just as I've been doing? So maybe they might sleep just a little bit better than they did previously if I disappeared overnight?

POINTS OF BREAKAGES

I do not know how to start.

Despite the fact that it's not going to be very long .. for once.

I have these .. all too fleeting periods. Periods where I'm not in several difficulties in one period or not a series of other difficulties in another.

One is where I'm very low and feel like my head and my heart are pulling apart at the seams. It's something very difficult to describe in all levels.

The other is where I'm .. angry .. at everything .. inside. Because I've been to those dark places during several separate periods for varying lengths of time. Angry with all those responsible for my predicament as well as those that make my predicament even harder. When they should know to be more supportive and not selfish, egotistical, jobs-worthy, blind and all manner of other things.

It's been the former for the majority of the last twenty four hours plus and I kind of thought it would have dissipated this morning. Not so far.

Then there are those fleeting .. periods. Periods that I want to remain in. But I struggle to and I'm not anywhere near close to right now. I normally try to do the things I think will get me outta my current situation. My current .. pressures. That's because this is the only way that I can see of achieving this.

But then there's the tiredness .. which makes it harder or impossible.

So it's body, head, heart and as well as all that they're is this good forsaken tiredness.

The body is several in just pain alone.

Head is .. several.

Heart is a couple.

I imagine seeing two pieces of leather strips together being pulled apart and the stitching unraveling because the pressure is too great.

I often think that if there was a God it would be far, far more humane if I was just struck by lightning. Put out of my never ending misery, so to speak.

Each time some organisation comes along and screws things up either directly or by not doing anything at all. It's weird, laughable and wildly annoying all at the same time. Then after awhile you manage to scrape or fight your way out of it with very little, can't think of any .. ever, or no help. But after varying amounts of time and often when you least expect it you end up back in that place again.

In the end you just start thinking, what's the point?

My own sister said something odd and .. kind of eye opening yesterday while talking on the phone. She was asking me what the current situation was with my daughter's cervical cancer when she said the following ..

"If I was to tell people everything that has happened to you and your daughter .. they simply wouldn't believe me"

That statement tells you more than you probably realise. Yes .. it states she thinks it's utterly incredible and unthinkable but ..

She refuses to tell anyone about us? Because she would be embarrassed? Because they would think that she was lying?!

She wants to try writing a blog about it all!

Then what you have left is people in possession of boxing gloves, spades, binoculars and over inflated egos.

Then chuck in loneliness along with memory problems and you can find yourself cowering in your room in the corner of your current bed. Hoping that your heart stops playing games with you and just .. stops.

Kind of what I'm doing right now and have been for twenty four hours.

Oh how I pray for an end to the endless torment.

THE FOUR THINGS

Hmm ..

I have four things to achieve.

Well .. there are some other things to achieve to but mainly there are four things .. though technically one of those jobs is then down to someone else. Or more accurately turns over to the responsibility of someone else.

A very early story I ran on this blog now turns out not to be the case.

I ended up looking the fool over it and .. well it was something I did not expect. Nothing I can do about it and I was not there. I only relayed what I was told .. I simply was not anything like close enough to see things for myself.

I have thought long and hard about it and .. the whole thing I have seen as some sort of punishment and I think that continued on?

Yeesh .. for someone that loves to stick to the facts this was something that was well and truly wrong. It might seem easy for me to say that this was not a misleading story that I have concocted as I was not involved.

I also believe that something else was involved and it involved some rope where knots get tied?

Still that was then and this is now and it is time to move on.

To start with I have these four things .. and some questions.

Crap! I have been shown some things and it is later than I thought it was!

Almost as if on queue de to one or both changes .. my flu is losing its grip .. having just a lighter cough and not keeping me up all night. Well .. not last night .. or waking me up every twenty minutes or so.

Either that or I was being poisoned .. lol. Less stress .. better sleep, less exertion and maybe other things?

Two things that are quite unusual have happened in the last twenty four hours .. first off .. I noticed that a recent post of mine is rocketing. I really do mean rocketing and has grown faster than all posts around it by about 900%!

Secondly I received a comment on YouTube and .. someone noticed that my blood pressure readings were not good. Particularly mentioning my heart rate being fast .. well sometimes as it is all over the place in all honesty.

So someone noticed something important and showed some concern. Wow that was a first.

Secondly .. a post I published has just rocketed skywards .. first off when I noticed it posts around this particular one had attracted numbers of between 12 and around 30. But this one had attracted 798 visitors.

In fact right now with the posts immediately prior and post this particular blog, 'The Slow Death', the numbers now read '18, 960, 19'. Bizarre!

I simply do not know what it is. I have looked at the tags for this post, sorry 'labels', and I have no idea what it is that has caused so much attention to be drawn to that post?!

Maybe I was ill or completely out of it and it is being used across universities or schools on how not to write .. or just how not to write a blog post?! LMAO!

At the rate it has gone up, 200 in a few hours, it would not surprise me at this stage if the visitors had tipped over 1,000 by the time this post gets published?

To give some .. perspective .. I have searched back to find a post with three figures and I had to go all the way back to .. hmm .. to the 18^th October 2017. A little while after I contracted that dreaded Aussie Flu. Nearly three months ago. You have not herd the funniest part ..

I said it was three figures in the visitors but it is only 103! Three months and 103 visitors.

Eight days and now it is 961 visitors!

Except .. I have not posted this yet so could still tip over the 1,000 mark by the time I post this and .. well .. it is kind of posted on another site!

So a little period is over and from now on things will be kept strictly .. political and .. scientific ..w with maybe some other things thrown in.

I will also be working hard to .. return to something else I was dearly loving and enjoying while hoping I do not receive any bad news along the way.

I was sure that this would not be bad news but you never know. Was not going to be good news but was sure it would not be bad news. Well not the worst news.

I suppose that I could just drop dead before the return to doing what I love takes place? You never know hat life is going to throw at you at a moments notice.

..

Oh an overnight break there.

I should not be feeling anxiety but I still am.

I am currently staying elsewhere but I now seem to have lost other things .. too?! I have to relocate my car .. then re-register it and then sell it.

I currently am also nowhere near the GP I am registered with and I am getting these little lectures about what I should be doing .. which is no good because I have a list of things I have to try and keep track of. Unfortunately now that I am here people seem to have gone into sleep or slow mode .. like because I am here they need not have any concerns any more. Well to be honest I thought that but .. the mornings are bad still and I cannot find my Diazepam right now.

In fact I am being told to sort my things out which I have been doing and secondly .. am not here very long so .. seems to bit odd to sort out my things in any order and place them away in this area I have.

Sell the car, sell the car, sell the car. That will be a big headache out of the way.

Hear from or phone and get to the solicitors .. that is the second things I need to do.

What I cannot make someone understand is there not only needs to be an order to things and that I have a bad memory but that the anxiety makes things worse. Start telling me what I should be doing next, sorting things is not going to get my anything nor anywhere, and I will get more anxiety and so the memory will get worse and I may forget to do the important things.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I was OK but then I ended up talking to someone I have not spoken to in awhile and who was quiet. So I thought that was it and I would feel better .. but no!

I thought that being in this location I would feel better and I kind of do but not as good as I thought I would. It looks alien because it looks very busy here .. but I kind of suspected it would. But being away as long as I have it looks weird, well from within a car that is.

Oh Jesus .. it just seems never ending.

Oh and then there is the GP issue .. I never even thought about that one.

THE SLOW DEATH

OK ..

Daughter now shouting at domestic abuser on the phone, calling from prison!

I woke up around 6am, 8.15am now, and thought I was dying. I still might.

Australian flu!

It's been dogging me since bloody October.

Yesterday while doing things I ended up on my knees several times, leaning against a wall dozens of times and it was the same the day before too .. though I have had a history of this it has not happened for several months.

I thought it was funny last night when I started to get sniffly, often the first sign your getting a cold. But I thought I was coming out of a three month stint of it. But then I knew I had something out of the ordinary and maybe this was just different.

Then I had a slightly different cough to the one I have had for weeks now. Thought that was odd and was tickly.

Trying to go to sleep I couldn't and my sinuses blocked up.

Then 6am this morning .. feverish and nauseous!

Oddly I thought I'd be sent to hospital when I went to the GP but he thought I had something other than the flu. I even mentioned how long I had, had it and even this 'Aussie' or 'Double' flu.

I even mentioned that I wasn't at home, loose term, and was with children.

My daughter is asthmatic too and we had a bit of a fright yesterday morning.

Then last night she said she thought she had the flu coming on.

I'm actually going to suggest that right in the middle of something it might be safer if we get admitted to hospital as a family?!

We have been doing something alone .. without a single offer of help from any authorities and we are .. late. The fact that at least four of us now have symptoms ad two of those being children .. surely this not takes precedence? What with the domestic violence as well as Autism being factors?!

Oh yeah .. my tongue .. my mouth was soo dry my tongue actually felt like a stone when I touched it using an index finger! That's kind of when I thought that maybe this was it for me?

It's lessened a little now but .. it's done this so many times during the past three months.

I then read somewhere that this one they are calling 'Aussie Flu' is evolving very fast.

That completely matches up with it feeling like I've had three or four different strains of flu one after the other.

Even the phlegm and mucous is coming up closer to a white colour now! Previously it was green and yellow .. what I consider basically normal colours with the flu!

Good .. God. For a long list of reasons this couldn't have occurred at a worse time!!

There is my daughter's asthma, four children some sounding like they might now be getting it, house decorations, court cases, cars to have to sell, being in an unknown land, no help from authorities whatsoever and other things I can't even talk about.

Then for me there is my Fibromyalgia, which seems to have lowered my tolerances of a few things. It simply has to be why I've had this for so long.

Lowered my tolerance of alcohol too, that much I've noticed since I got here but I had a clue about this years ago. But it seems to fluctuate .. had signs of that years ago too ..

Must have told a story on here when I was at Stratstones of Mayfair and Land Rover? Two sets of people arguing whether I could handle my drink or not after two separate nights out.

I'm a little scared right now if I'm honest .. I really needed a particular job .. being finished before feeling like this again.

Crossing my fingers once again and I'd rather welcome death to my particular door than to end up with a load of complications.

Also been a lot of reports of deaths .. in Australia and Ireland.

I am sure this has what has made me suicidal at times.

GAMING & ANXIETY EBB

My recent .. troubles are ebbing away due to an idea I had a couple of days ago.

Don't know why I didn't do it or think of it before but it will buy me several more months and that's more than enough time.

My issues stemmed from two things .. one is being in a strange land .. alone. Secondly is my memory issues which dog me like they're is no tomorrow.

This all came about because I'd manage to spend several thousand pounds in a few months in my time here helping out my daughter.

That came about because first off the authorities here simply aren't doing anything.

Secondly .. the way things are done here are very different to back home, even though I'm still in England.

I've told a few back home of some of the things I've witnessed and they simply don't believe me.

But then the social worker is from the south and she hasn't seen anything like it either, by all accounts.

It's a whole list of things I didn't expect and delay tactics I didn't expect. It's proved costly .. financially .. for me.

That left me getting a little low while in a strange land .. moving home thrown into the bargain while going from living alone to .. living with five other people. Two Autistic children among them.

After living alone for twelve years.

As friends and family reminded me .. I went into every deep end there was and left all my comfort zones in one fell swoop.

And in a strange land with my memory problems and losing my .. buffet.

There was someone who has .. or rather had an interest in me but I think that has evaporated. I think I know why .. can't say I blame her but then I was surprised she was interested in me in the first place.

I was going to .. well say something .. at some point but I think that ship has sailed.

But tonight while my daughter is chatting to the cute one I spotted this bizarre story on the BBC app.

It is now seen as a disorder if your addicted to video games. Which is bizarre because since I've arrived here I've noticed several cases ranging from ten year olds to guys in their twenties. I've never seen so many cases of the addiction.

Very close at hand when I'm beavering away working, painting and greying out to the point when I've dropped to my knees, twice today, someone has been in their XBox from 8am or so to midnight. Stopping only for food or drink. Four days in a row?!

The funny thing is he plays in co-op with several friends. So there are several there all going to the same school. How do you break that cycle? Peer pressure and all that?

Another guy, this time, will play all night.

I can't think of a single case like this back in London .. not even me!

Did I mention I'm a gamer?

Or at least I was .. but only played in the evenings between about 7pm or so to 11pm and I thought I was addicted?!

Right now and despite my own withdrawal symptoms from gaming I'm just relieved the anxiety has died down.

I'm just tired and still have this damn flu and seriously in need of a bath or shower, a haircut and a beard trim.

Oh and I don't think I've eaten for three days .. possibly four?

As for the gaming addiction? It's now recognised by the World Health Organisation!

Now that is a surprise.

As for the gaming .. I can understand why it's addictive .. it's an escape from the shit that is current day life. In the worst hit places I suspect it will be a higher rate of addiction. Just like here.

As for the anxiety .. my heart goes out to those that have no options .. I did have but my memory was a concern. I thought my memory would prevent me from doing things right or get ripped off. So I thought to the idea of giving someone the incentive of doing it for me.

That way I can sort out the other issues that have been dogging me .. then get back to driving and hopefully my plans?

This allows other .. plans long in the tooth to come to fruition.

As for the Autistic child .. it is currently midnight and I can hear her running around and yelling and I have wanted to go to sleep for about an hour but I can't. I would not want anything to happen to any child in my care .. and for something to happen if I were asleep .. I could never forgive myself.

Unlike someone else I know who would go out and leave three kids in the house to grab a kebab! Or turn up at the hospital! I kid you not.

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: Gaming addiction classified as disorder by WHO - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-42541404

ANOTHER TIME OF DYING

I decided to type this out even though I did not feel like it.

I had toilet issues last night, did not get much sleep and woke up with stomach pains and ended up in the toilet .. again .. for an hour. I have to go to two hospital appointments today and try and get a hole of the Doctors Surgery.

I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn't. I have felt like .. well I feel like I am dying.

My chest is playing up, my anxiety is playing up .. like bloody hell and I feel rotten from still having this flu.

Normally I would not attend a GP Surgery or a hospital with the flu but .. this is killing me and has dogged me now for three months.

This just is not right.

So I am going to beg the hospital to help me .. because I really feel like I am at death's door .. I really thought my number was up a little earlier and I just wanted it to happen. It is so annoying when you get this low a feeling with as much discomfort and anxiety as this and your body just wont give up. Die in other words.

My heart is pounding through my chest which is odd because in my second appointment I am to have an ECG fitted for 24 hours.

I do not know what the first appointment is for but it will involve some begging.

I did also manage to get a hold of my GP Surgery, after screwing things up last week by not knowing what day it was as per usual.

When I did ring the surgery I was a bit confused, not familiar with their answering messages anyway not being here that long.

The Doctor is going to ring me today but I did warn them I was in the hospital at 2pm. I asked them to make a note of that .. hopefully they wont ring me when I am there and I miss the damned call .. making a second mistake inside of a week!

I am out of some of my pills, you see. Most importantly the Propranalol and Diazepam as despite some others stopping me from dying early .. the statins for my cholesterol and blood pressure pills .. it is the anxiety and absolute dread long with the chest pains, heart palpitations and the feeling if skipped heart beats that are primary to me right now.

I also do not feel safe enough to drive so I am going to walk to the hospital with my trusty stick. Unless something changes between now 9.47am and 1.15pm when I have to leave.

As I stated previously I seem to have had a third appointment made for me for the 4th or 5th January, cannot recall as usual, and not sure what that is about either.

It is a shame that one of my plans did not start to work .. it would have prevented these horrid feelings from taking place but then the same could be said of two public services, the NHS and DWP and now I am at the point where begging is going to be used.

I am praying that a working pill is provided that can deal with the stronger attacks .. but it may be that I need some sort of shock treatment on my heart, I think that is what someone mentioned?

cardioversion or catheter ablation, or surgery - British Heart Foundation

So those are the .. things mentioned though it did also state a pill too.

I am secretly hoping that the levels of anxiety are being caused by the irregular heartbeat and that any pill or procedure will cure it?

If they had found this, or indeed I had spotted it on my blood pressure monitor, they could have sorted this before I moved here. That could have saved me a whole heap of pain and suffering and allowed me to help more with those I came to help.

This .. bloody .. country.

Everything I have ever done seems to have outside things go wrong to screw things up i the worst possible way.

Even the IT market crash just as I got my Degree .. where I was living with a woman who had a history of beating up boyfriends who then continued that tradition with me. Only found out about her history AFTER I left her in Bristol and her sister, till on my Facebook today, told me about it after she told me she was shocked that I had left.

Oddly enough as i was explaining to my daughter .. that is when the Fibromyalgia I already had without being aware of it really kicked in.

A week after I returned to London my feet started to hurt .. well the right foot started to hurt as I was trying to get somewhere. This continued on and I started to ask Doctors about it. Different parts of my feet started to get affected and eventually the other foot become affected.

As it turned out and after 13 years of asking ad with more symptoms cropping up to add to the tally from time to time I self diagnosed it before having it confirmed at Guy's Hospital. Then as I read about the condition I realised I had been affected by it for around a decade before it affected my feet.

After a horrific event, cannot even remember what it was, the anxiety thing started up. This just kept returning over sometimes stupid things and sometimes without any reason at all.

I so want to plunge a knife deep into my chest it begs belief and I find that so strange .. how can one be suffering so bad that they feel like they want to do that?!

The only thing preventing me from doing that is the fact that I am not alone and am supposed to be helping others.

But the strangeness of my surrounding area along with the fact that I am well aware that my memory can have me confused is making things worse, I have no doubt.

I am even terrified of getting to the hospital on foot .. in case I get confused and .. lost! How stupid is that?!

While back in Enfield I even got confused with places that were familiar to me. Once I even ended up on the wrong side of town and thought "What am I doing here?! I should be several miles away!"

I used to learn areas so fast years go and I have been here previously, been here for three months and feel like I barely know anywhere.

My daughter bought me a diary as a Christmas present because eve she has noticed my bad memory and asks me days after I should have done something whether I have done it or not!

She has the same symptoms, that much I have noticed. But she is not as bad as me and of course she knows this area and grew up in it. But she still gets panic attacks over things .. like her domestic abuser talking like he is getting out of prison for instance.

EQUIPMENT AT THE READY!

Well I'm sitting in St Catherine's Hospital and feeling .. weird and a little .. anxious.

I know this appointment won't come to much especially as I discovered this isn't the fast-track appointment I was told I was getting. That then comes from this one .. or if I get called back due a second appointment here?

But as well as this is the full MRI happening to someone else at 12.40pm.

I probably won't be able to put the tags on this until later on tonight and even then only when the two girls are asleep. You just can't do anything while they are awake.

Then we both feel shattered and we both have the short term memory part of Fibromyalgia anyway.

This are very simply .. impossible.

We are basically just struggling by while trying every now and then to reach out to get help.

At least we had a letter regarding what I believe to be the audiology test around the 5th December, I think it was.

A test for the youngest boy I wasn't even aware was tested came back OK, so no ADHD. Just a plain old needy child that thinks the rules apply to his three siblings and not him. Lol.

Last night good older brother was being called who didn't hear us. But the ten year-olds five year old brother heard us from his bed and started shouting downstairs to him. In the hope he would be told it's bedtime. Because he doesn't understand that being twice his age means he stays to longer. It's kinda funny.

I'm not really used to all this, never had children around to watch grow up.

I don't know what children do and at what age.

As I have said to several people here in making it up as I go along.

I'm getting tired all the time and it's getting worse but I've absolutely nowhere where I can relax.

The few times I get back to my own flat for a few hours I simply cannot relax there either.

But none of that had been on my mind for days because there is so much else going on all the time.

Of course this got a whole lot worse around a week ago and I literally don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I'm always one to have clean clothing on but I've only just managed to wash a load of clothes .. oops ..

Got called in.

Usual crap tests .. ECG which showed a little as did the blood pressure test ..

170/110

As I noted in the letter this is not what the GP referred to as a fast-track appointment.

In fact now I've been in the hospital a second time in not quite so sure it's a hospital. In fact it's more like an oversized GP Surgery and appears to have no beds/wards?

Not entirely sure what the point was with the building .. especially as it looks like it costs millions to build?

Anyway as I knew .. I was told to stop smoking .. it won't really do very much at all and I fucking hate it when they tell you that ..

.. so I told my usual story about turning down the offer of a Doctorate at Middlesex University where I would have worked on the software to teach keyhole surgeons how to do surgery.

Her eyes went wide and her mouth opened with shock. I normally get surprised reactions but not to this level. She said I should have accepted, I said "I know".

I only tell this story to stop being patronised and hearing the same shit. The 'stop smoking' line.

The fact is I have quit .. TWICE!!

Up until the DWP came along and fecked with everything I had not smoked for three years.

Up until the DWP pulled the rug from under me.

I then found out about my daughter's domestic violence which is a historical court case with the perpetrator locked up, though still phoning my daughter and her mother up to 165 times a night.

I then found out one of my grandchildren was autistic, which made a lot of sense.

I was at starting to realise my daughter already had my disability. Quite a few symptoms I had plus I was noticing some I didn't.

There were some female specific issues that I just assumed must be parts of Fibromyalgia that I just hadn't read about. But no.

I had already started smoking at this point .. now it must be stressed that I not only have no confidence whatsoever is ANY public service or their governing bodies and watchdogs, or the courts for that matter, but I knew they lied.

I knew that this lying would ultimately lead to consequences later on. So did nurses as well as pharmacists I had spoken to. So did two GPs.

At least you can tell with a small percentage of petite that they became Doctors and Specialists to actually help people and not for the salary.

As she was telling her GP of her Fibromyalgia this then explained several things the GP had been wondering about. But then there were those other things ..

These have appeared to several, yup now several due to a clinical meeting, General Practitioners and Specialists to look like something else .. something not good.

Then there was something else .. then there was something else in a follow up appointment.

Battery of tests, return to GP and then there was something else.

Leaving aside the Fibromyalgia confirmation we have had no less than FOUR extra things all of which don't look good at all.

So what I was going to state earlier in the post is that I was worried about a later appointment I'm not even present at.

In fact as in typing this out this other appointment should be with done or about half way through.

It's a full body MRI and at a cost between £3,000 to £5,000 when I last looked .. they simply don't perform these unless they are worried. Very .. worried.

I know because I've asked for one for over ten years, see the problem here? I almost nearly had one performed privately. That's how I know the minimum cost. It was somewhere in the vicinity of Canary Wharf?

So yeah .. stop smoking? Your joking right?

This would be an unreasonable expectation anyway with everything that is, or indeed is not, going on. Throw in the cursed anxiety and you might as well kill me right now.

In fact I stated recently that things have been bad at times where I just wished I would die and it was all over with.

This is not once or twice and it's not even in the single figure ball-park.

It's well into double figures and wouldn't be too surprised if it was into three figures.

After awhile you just want to to end.

There's a list of things which invariably are behind this and any one can have you wishing to God that someone would just switch off the proverbial lights!

The anxiety is one and the others are a number of pains in different parts of my body.

And I'm only talking about mine!

Now I have to think about what's its like for someone else who has serious complications thrown into that mix.

Then the fact that there is no one to rely on one hundred percent. Even the one that is around is now not trusted by the council of all people. So relying on them won't go down well with the council of anything happens!

That's because of four children on the endangered, I think it's called, register. Two of which are autistic which can be OK at times, good sometimes, bad at others and a trip into hell but with embarrassment sometimes thrown in at others.

My mind .. boggles. When it had the chance and gets the time to .. well, boggle.

It's been .. boggling for weeks. It boggles more and more all the time and I'm sure it's a few weeks from leveling out?

So I sit here awaiting someone's return and I have more tests at Arrow Park Hospital the day after Boxing Day.

An Echocardiogram followed by a 24 hour .. umm Echocardiogram. Wait let me check? Yup.

Oh that's .. weird. She said Arrow Park but it seems that it's the same hospital?

Ahh .. unless there is another one to come through the post?

Yeah .. memory problems .. simply can't recall everything .. often .. of I can recall anything at all.

My daughter has the exact same thing too.

Hmm ..

Well they have returned. Only I'm somewhat confused ..

No MRI was performed?!

The person who accompanied the patient said that all they did was sit there and talk about things. Things?

Of course as the the course of a usual day for us .. there was only minutes to spare before I was left with the two young girls again and other children had to be picked up from school.

At least my chest pains and heart palpitations were aggravated by children having meltdowns, fights, arguing, screaming for things.

Well .. the second time they went out one screamed for something. Until I said I'd give it to her if she was quiet. But then I knew it would be mere seconds be the other one spotted the youngest one with a biscuit and a slice of bread and started.

Then it went back to being quiet. Thankfully. The only other thing is having to put up with mind melting children's videos with have had to endure over and over again.

Well .. this time and desire their previous negative responses and shouts of "NO?!" I have managed to put on two or three things in the last few days they were then glued to.

Right now it's Oscar's Oasis which can be found on Netflix.

Finding something that one autistic child likes outside of their 'norm' or comfort zone is hard enough. Finding one that pleases two is a nightmare.

Oh then there is needy-boy who only ever wants to watch Spider-Man or someone playing a Lego game that he then thinks he is playing. Pressing his knees like they are buttons. He becomes transfixed and you can tell his name and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Say a sentence was a particular food word in it and somehow they all hear that?! Has to be particular foods though ..

Pizza, chips, biscuits, yoghurt, chocolate, drink, milkshake and crisps are all key-words they react to. Oh the youngest loves bread. Oh and toast and cereal is another one.

Oddly the older of the autistic children seems to go against everything you offer her. Offer one flavour of crisps and she shouts "no" and demands a particular colour packet. Most of the time though she then brings you the uneaten packet, hands then you you and says "Don't like it!"

Point at a cereal and she demands a different one and the same thing as the crisps can take place with "Don't like it!"

The wastage of food is indescribable. Seems almost criminal to me with the cost of food today and people .. well some people, not self inflicted, going starving.

Speaking of self-inflicted?

One couple had one half of them convinced they were getting two payments before Christmas of Universal Credit.

One 4 year old and one on the way.

Turns out they haven't and despite being warned by others the one convinced had a little bit of a spend.

Now things look .. precarious.

Now I have to wait to find out what in the world happened today?

I ended up in terrible pain just prior to them leaving to go to the hospital.

I looked after the two girls and they wanted to cancel the appointment because of this but I said "NO! Your going!"

Oops .. seems Oscar didn't last and I've had to resort to watching Peppa Pig fit the hundredth time!

The other children's program they like is called Gon, seemingly about a young Dinosaur or Lizard.

NIGHT AFTER THE NIGHTMARE

Well that has not gone well.

I did not get to sleep until quite late and after the daze I was originally in I started to come out of it but not to a place I wanted to.

I had thought that the daze I was seemingly in might mean that I would not enter the all too familiar crisis stage. However I had forgotten that I had held onto some diazepam and had taken one shortly before that court hearing. So I had fooled myself into thinking I would emerge OK from the stunned shock I was in.

Last night as it was getting later it became obvious that I was going to emerge in a state I was not going to like. I had hoped to go to sleep and that maybe with the sleep I would wake up on the other side of this state but I was having more and more trouble sleeping. Until sometime after 2am when I finally did sleep. Though Fibromyalgia sufferers do not actually sleep in the true sense, yet something else that did not get asked about nor mentioned yesterday. It is 7.13am currently but I have been awake for around 2 hours and been trying to watch YouTube videos on subjects I enjoy but … simply have no interest.

I also seem to have this searing pain in my hip area … more like a very intense … ache. I seem to recall having this in the past, I do not know what it is and I have done nothing to have caused any aching or pain of any kind.

Good God. I really do not know what to do with myself or what I will do with myself today. It is a Saturday and I have one option for the day and it is not a good one and also not one I can conceivably choose. So really I have zero options.

I do fee like I am on the edge of another deep crisis. I had made some plans to counter this but they have yet to play out, not heard from Mind about my first appointment and probably be weeks away when I do. I have someone else going to speak to me next Tuesday but that is next Tuesday.

I am disappointed that I woke up. Been a very long time since I last felt like that, or at least that strongly about being disappointed I am still alive.

I also simply cannot get over the vast contrast to a year ago and there is a galaxy of space between the two.

Hmm I actually think its my glutes that are aching and not the area of my thighs, or at least an area somewhere between the two?

I have been reminded in the last 12 hours that if there is indeed a continuation of the human soul beyond death that I do not EVER want to come back. I will fight kicking and screaming if I am forced to.

I have tried doing a search to see if there is anywhere you can admit yourself too in case things go from bad to worse? It is surprising how little there is out there that does anything more than calling someone up and talking down the phone.

Jesus how are things this bad?

I do wonder about those … others affected with mental illness that are pushed to drastic measures of self harm and wonder what the transition is from self harm and doing something worse? Is it a big chasm or a small step? For some reason that has been playing on my mind since last night. I have had some thoughts about that next step and I wonder what it would take?

I have been here in the past and wished I had the guts and wonder what it would take to acquire them?

You just so much want to flick that switch to the off position and that is what I find as one serious fault to the human body and mind. Or you could also see it as a massive problem with the society you live in too? That people can make decisions that make you feel this bad without giving a crap and all normally because of money. Power too at times.

The funny thing is that, I don't think I mentioned it, but two days before the court appearance I was making up a page of screenshots of my blogs to talk about at the hearing I never bothered to mention when I noticed something. What is funny about it is that it was a little ray of light or hope but I just keep thinking too little too late.

As I looked at the actual blogs as they appear to others I noticed something. Two small adverts on some of the pages on my Blogger blogs? I found this odd as I thought I had taken all the adverts off my blogs over a year ago? I wondered whether or not Google insist on having some ads on there with the excuse of needing money to manage the servers? I do now know.

Then I thought 'well if they have been on there all this time then they must have accumulated some money?' so clicked on the earnings tab and got a little bit of a surprise if I am honest. It was heading for £50. I would have been surprised if it was half that.

I remember thinking how annoying this was as I had predicted that another year to eighteen months I might have actually started to get some small monthly amount, or every other month? Which is why I found the DWP's recent actions so bloody frustrating. I even said to a couple of people I know that if only they had held off for another year losing a percentage of my money, again, would not hit me so badly.

Though to be honest to counter precisely what I am about to lose I would need six times that figure paid every month. Puts into sharp contrast how hard it is for bloggers and YouTubers everywhere.

So no, it does not really help the current situation.

So your in a situation where you want to do stuff … but you don't want to do stuff. You want to watch things … but you don't want to watch things. You want to go and see people … but you don't want to go and see people. Funny this as the problem are respectively that you just want to whither and die, you just cannot get into things or enjoy things and you do not want to be a burden on anyone.

I am old enough and wise enough to see that many people have problems especially today and so I find it funny when you find a website to do with having a crisis and they tell you to phone a family member or friend!

I read that as “Go burden someone else with your problems while we get paid”.

Like a little conversation I had recently about how many bodies and charities there are out there but that no one actually does anything. I was speaking about this with my diabetes friend and I asked him if he was a member of any diabetes charities to which he replied, yes. I then asked him what they had done for him in all the years he suffered with diabetes and he paused for a moment and said “well nothing really” and I think he said something about a newsletter?

Yes because news letters make such a profound difference to your life.

I wonder if I could get to Google's Deep Mind facility I could ask them to install a kill switch about my person so that I may press it? Or perhaps upload myself to a computer to leave the human body's faults behind? Transhumanism, yes that would be one solution. I think. A shame it is not … a thing.

I do hope this feeling passes and does not linger too long but if experience in these feeling has taught me anything is that they are anything but short lived. Weeks and even months can go by before they begin go peter out as I am sure a great many can attest to?

Just another one of those bloody Fibromyalgia symptoms that can and do make your life a misery...no, a living hell.

Hmm … maybe of scientists can prove that there is a soul and it does live on in a quantum state then voluntary euthanasia can finally become a thing? So those of us who got the shit end of the stick can just check out?

That is until such a time that humans can become more ... humane?

Good God this aching pain is unrelenting!

THE RETURN OF THE ANX

Yeah well I was worried about that zombie like feeling I was having earlier. I thought it seemed a little familiar.

I am having the anxiety coming back.

I have been sitting here zombie watching YouTube videos I am not even interested in and I have noticed my Internet runs out tonight, great timing.

I was meant to go out get some tobacco from the local store but I cannot seem to ... drive myself to do it. Feck! God, I hate this shit I really do.

I dated someone years ago that self-harmed. I did not know a great deal about people doing that or why and always thought it was somewhat odd. However whenever I have had periods of anxiety since then,, that were bad, I wondered if self-harming would actually help? I thought that maybe in instances whereby something being wrong caused an overload of feelings that the mind cannot cope with that the self-harming might be a way to ... counter act these feelings?

Well it kinda does ... momentarily it seems.

I was suffering and panicking that the anxiety would get worse, in which the panicking probably performs another case of self-fulfilling prophecy type thing, when I spotted a pen-knife near where I sat.

I decided to put things to the test and went for the top left shoulder around my Deltoids The knife is not very sharp and take some ... effort.

This came about because despite being able to experience very intense pains ... there are some things that affect the mins that can be greater than most. There are a few things that have cause so intense pain that it would not be wanted ... by any sane person that is. Or really anyone at all now that I think about those pains.

Ugh.

Just thinking about the MRI as I had a call on an old number I have not used any more and I answered it and it turned out to be the hospital where the MRI is being done. It seems they wanted to move it forward slightly. Not a good sign that. Not put it off until the next available day but bring it forward. Not something I have ever had done before, normally when they have wanted to change something they postpone it a couple of days to a couple of weeks.

It is just that I did not sleep good the last couple of nights and I got an immediate depressing feeling wondering whether I will get to the appointment on time? It is a better time than I previously had which was 5.45pm ... just early enough that there is a slight possibility of a problem.

Of course this is far the MRI on my head. Ordered due to very frequent blackouts and a full on seizure and though I had just one where I fell completely unconscious I have managed to stop several others by feeling a strong one coming on and dropping my body, to a crouched, seated or just low position sometimes even on my knees.

Along with the irritation on my forehead above my eye socket, pain within my eye socket, hearing problems and nasal problems I have had for a very long time the collection of symptoms do not look good. I have even had stomach cramping really bad and actually read somewhere that this symptom can also be linked to the possible brain tumour? God knows how that one works?

The funny thing is I am not majorly concerned about having something that is terminal and that very likely sounds completely mad.

But the way that I feel right now and just as I have felt in the past like this ... you just want it to end. I can honestly say that each time I have been like this I thought it would never happen again once I had gotten through it and that even if I did experience it, it would not be as bad as the last.

But I have not only gone on to experience it all over again but it has been worst with each following experience.

I mean ... my legs shut down for Christ's sake.

When that happened I was shocked on one level but then when I had a chance to think about it and analyse it I was not really that surprised at all. The levels of anxiety were cataclysmic. You cannot do anything and you cannot enjoy anything.

You might take it for granted by thinking about a film that is coming out in several months time that you desperately want to see? Or there might be a computer game coming out you desperately want to play? It could be something else linked to a hobby you have? A doll, a remote control car or plane or even a book? When your fanatical about something sometimes you cannot think of anything else. It is like Doctor Who fans that cannot wait for the next series to be aired.

Imagine for a moment something that affects you this way? It might even be a sports car or something? Just think about the various things that would have you pumped up and excited until you got your hands on whatever it is you want or see what you cannot wait to see?

Right then ... now ... could you imagine anything ever managing to dowse those feelings?

I have many of them from gaming to music and even scientific discoveries.

I recently got the Radiohead album A Moon Shaped Pool but have not got as much pleasure out of it as I normally would and did not even get it until it had been out a couple of weeks!

Well there is a game I really am fanatical about playing and it has been out and I have no plans to buy it, Deus Ex Mankind Divided. I loved the last one.

I have not watched any of my blu-ray movies for a few weeks. In fact in the last 6 weeks I have probably watched three, the Transformer movies. For some reason, lol. In that time it would normally be between one and two dozen of my movies. Plus I would have purchased three or four and yet I have bought none for a couple of weeks and in the last 6 to 8 weeks only bought Batman v Superman and did not enjoy that as much as I would normally have done.

You start to wonder what the point is. You start to wonder if your going to be living somewhere and not having some threat you can do nothing about looming above you and your life.

The worst part about it is that you do not want to feel nor think like this but you cannot control it and it controls you.

Worst of all, as some readers may have even learnt for themselves, is that you try to talk to friends and family and they just say "Well don't think like that" and you feel like answering with a sarcastic "Oh well fuck me, why did I not think of that?!" Worse still is whenever you talk to a medical professional and they tell you stuff like that. Or tell you to occupy yourself by doing something you enjoy?! At that point you realise hey either simply do not get it or are complete idiots.

In the end you either try not to talk about it, avoid people so that you do not end up talking about it or you try very hard to hide the deep fear and anxiety you are experiencing. Engaging in light conversation when your heart fells like its clenched like a tight fist and being pulled apart in all directions at once.

Along with the intellectual side of things it is another area where I, or you might even, long for talk with someone ... anyone that understands.

So yeah when you think you might be told you have a shortened period of time to live when you feel like this you can easily imagine yourself saying ...

"Yeah, whatever. Just give me the letters so I can stop the DWP and Local Council from sticking the knife in and twisting it!"

Any enjoyment or pleasure that you could have from anything in life will just get drowned out completely by the sheer anxiety and fears you experience.

According to books I have read and research done Fibromyalgia affects your 'Fight & Flight' responses to which case I might have two or three guys wanna fight me and I will say "Alrighty then!" but then something such as these faceless wankers at the DWP and Local Council doing something to you and you fall to pieces. This can either be extremely fast or might gradually come over you slowly. There is no lesser of two evils with this one. You either feel like you have been hit by a Locomotive or you feel something building up slowly, realise what is coming and start to panick and eventually panicking over when it will level out and will ever stop.

But there is a point ... a level. Once traversing past this point everything in your world just melts away into insignificance. This horrid feeling along with the waiting and not knowing just takes over everything.

You start to look for help, you start approaching people and in the first times people experience this they think "Oh once I speak to my Doctor everything will be fine, he will give me a pill to take" but when that does not work you think hospitals, psychiatrists and all these help and advice group that there are so many of it is ludicrous.

I myself have already been through the GP and been given Propranalol and today is the first time that the anxiety seems to have bled through. Maybe I just need a slightly higher dose,, but this does not bloody well help in the here and now!

I have also contacted a few people and have even filled out a homeless persons form ... umm thingy with Enfield Council as they seem to take over 3 weeks to answer and I look like I will be homeless in four.

I have also contacted a couple of other organisations to do with being homeless and ... well I just hope they are not like the Citizen's Advice where they expect you to jump through very small hoops?!

And that is most likely why people self-harm? Because overloading emotions, fear and feelings are not going to hold back until someone decides they are going to do something or help you?

Suffering Patient: "Doc! I wnnd to this and I want to do that and I want to die! I cannot stand this feeling for a minute longer!"

Doc: "That is terrible ... come and see me in four days time."

Patient thinks 'what the feck! I will likely be dead by then?!'

In the end and once you have had these things long enough, provided your still alive, or you have had them return enough times you get forlorn. You start reaching out and asking for help but you know in the back of your mind that all the times you did this previously it did not come to much and took forever to get there.

More terrible examples of the overpaid people of various public services trying to save us money by making us suffer I am afraid to say.