GAMING & ANXIETY EBB

My recent .. troubles are ebbing away due to an idea I had a couple of days ago.

Don't know why I didn't do it or think of it before but it will buy me several more months and that's more than enough time.

My issues stemmed from two things .. one is being in a strange land .. alone. Secondly is my memory issues which dog me like they're is no tomorrow.

This all came about because I'd manage to spend several thousand pounds in a few months in my time here helping out my daughter.

That came about because first off the authorities here simply aren't doing anything.

Secondly .. the way things are done here are very different to back home, even though I'm still in England.

I've told a few back home of some of the things I've witnessed and they simply don't believe me.

But then the social worker is from the south and she hasn't seen anything like it either, by all accounts.

It's a whole list of things I didn't expect and delay tactics I didn't expect. It's proved costly .. financially .. for me.

That left me getting a little low while in a strange land .. moving home thrown into the bargain while going from living alone to .. living with five other people. Two Autistic children among them.

After living alone for twelve years.

As friends and family reminded me .. I went into every deep end there was and left all my comfort zones in one fell swoop.

And in a strange land with my memory problems and losing my .. buffet.

There was someone who has .. or rather had an interest in me but I think that has evaporated. I think I know why .. can't say I blame her but then I was surprised she was interested in me in the first place.

I was going to .. well say something .. at some point but I think that ship has sailed.

But tonight while my daughter is chatting to the cute one I spotted this bizarre story on the BBC app.

It is now seen as a disorder if your addicted to video games. Which is bizarre because since I've arrived here I've noticed several cases ranging from ten year olds to guys in their twenties. I've never seen so many cases of the addiction.

Very close at hand when I'm beavering away working, painting and greying out to the point when I've dropped to my knees, twice today, someone has been in their XBox from 8am or so to midnight. Stopping only for food or drink. Four days in a row?!

The funny thing is he plays in co-op with several friends. So there are several there all going to the same school. How do you break that cycle? Peer pressure and all that?

Another guy, this time, will play all night.

I can't think of a single case like this back in London .. not even me!

Did I mention I'm a gamer?

Or at least I was .. but only played in the evenings between about 7pm or so to 11pm and I thought I was addicted?!

Right now and despite my own withdrawal symptoms from gaming I'm just relieved the anxiety has died down.

I'm just tired and still have this damn flu and seriously in need of a bath or shower, a haircut and a beard trim.

Oh and I don't think I've eaten for three days .. possibly four?

As for the gaming addiction? It's now recognised by the World Health Organisation!

Now that is a surprise.

As for the gaming .. I can understand why it's addictive .. it's an escape from the shit that is current day life. In the worst hit places I suspect it will be a higher rate of addiction. Just like here.

As for the anxiety .. my heart goes out to those that have no options .. I did have but my memory was a concern. I thought my memory would prevent me from doing things right or get ripped off. So I thought to the idea of giving someone the incentive of doing it for me.

That way I can sort out the other issues that have been dogging me .. then get back to driving and hopefully my plans?

This allows other .. plans long in the tooth to come to fruition.

As for the Autistic child .. it is currently midnight and I can hear her running around and yelling and I have wanted to go to sleep for about an hour but I can't. I would not want anything to happen to any child in my care .. and for something to happen if I were asleep .. I could never forgive myself.

Unlike someone else I know who would go out and leave three kids in the house to grab a kebab! Or turn up at the hospital! I kid you not.

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: Gaming addiction classified as disorder by WHO - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-42541404

THE WINDS OF CHANGE

My daughter got a phone-call tonight.

This was a it weird as most people she knew had been at the house at some point, her two step-brothers, mother and grandmother as I explained in a recent post. Her two friends, a couple, tha normally come once a week for a bit of a drink and the lady I like next door.

I thought it was a phone-call from a certain prison inmate .. again?

The lady next door is kind of nice .. no, really nice to my mind. She seems and sounds intelligent and is as cute as hell.

But .. she has had some rotten luck. Really .. rotten luck.

Well the other night she asked my daughter in for a drink. In fcat it had been a tough day for my daughter and may have been the day after her mother let her down with looking after just one child. The most problematic child, granted, but just the one child nevertheless.

There are three more children and two of them are problematic and one is heading for puberty. It was another example of the grandmother attempting to play something down and after failing to cope for even a whole night, returning the child on or just prior to midnight, she then went on a lecture within two days about how to control these children.

One does not need much controlling .. though he is rapidly heading for puberty. Yeah .. that does not bear thinking about what with the other three. Puberty is a bit of a lottery really .. you never quite know what I is your going to get.

He has always been a quiet kid and oh my God I have just seen the bloody time! I thought it was bout 10am and I have just had needy-boy calling out for mum because he wants a drink because his mouth is dry?! Yeah it is a lie he copies form his mother ho says it because she gets a dry mouth and is a result of her Fibromyalgia. Even I have to put up with a mouth full of tap water on occasion.

My daughter said she would be an hour but was back after about five or ten minutes and said ..

“Dad, you will never believe what she just asked me?! 'Hey, is your Dad single by any chance?”

Almost bizarrely when she was there the other night she was making wavoes about the authorities, said that Sophie was being neglected ad treated like shit and was going to go down there and give them hell. My daughter simply said “My God, you sound like my Dad!”

Shit!

I am putting Family Guy and American Dad on and carrying on with this one tomorrow!

…

Oh dear!

Boxing Day morning starts with an awkward question .. which came from something that was .. very embarrassing and then something that made us bloody angry.

Yeah so our heads are spinning.

I also have to be careful what I say. Lol.

First off it would seem that my daughter read my blog post yesterday .. or rather someone else did while she listened.

I was asked if I was going back to London in January?!

Crap!!

I was told to answer honestly but that is what I always do, despite what early readers might think with some of the claims I have made.

Oh I have had to stop three times for children already. Was going to try and continue this tonight to begin with .. but after clearing up .. picking some baked in .. umm .. something, paint or play-doh out of the carpet, throwing some stuff away and a vacuum there was a bit of a lull. Silly me and now someone is screaming about something and I have had to hit play on a portable DVD player that has Frozen playing.

As far as the claims I have made .. I am afraid that over the next few weeks your going to find out the hard way that I am always right and as always it will be at out expense, though more specifically my expense if it goes the way I think it will.

It starts of by stating that we have spies in our midst .. and not the sort of spies that I was embroiled with in the past nor the ones that wanted to speak to me regarding employment. Different kinds of spies.

This came about when we had a Christmas Tree in our window described to us and I tried to play it down by stating that Christmas Trees were generally green, white or silver with a few exceptions.

Seven times I have now stopped .. make that eight though two of those were for an adult. Now I have older one hovering around for things he should have kept track of. But then this is an exceptional house with more than one exceptional child.

Yeah so I had to explain myself and my fears ..

It seems I am doing a bit more than just the job of a rusty third wheel .. but the I am not sure about the wheels themselves.

Something to work on.

So that explained why she was a little quiet. Also she did not get in the house until around 7am to 8am and so not had a great deal of sleep.

Then as I explained myself and we started to talk about things it turned out that she had seen my very recent blog post while she was with someone. Someone I had recently referred to as 'cute'. Yeah my face must have been a picture when I found out that she had read that too! Ooh boy! Lol.

But that was not the 'coup de grace' so to speak. Though there is nothing merciful about this.

A phone-call was received outside of the room I am now sitting in and my daughter came in and looked .. well, pissed!

She went off on one, dropped her phone on the floor .. said basically I was right about allegations I made about all the public services and them being incompetent, liars and despite how they speak in the news media do not give a flying feck about the general public .. only their careers.

Something that needs to change .. seriously fast if the are to prevent a revolution from taking place down the line!

The phone-call came from prison .. and a cocky domestic abuser .. ooh wait .. domestic abuser .. yes so .. he phoned from prison with .. an unusually cocky attitude. After all the times we have reported him calling us and the way that he talks as if nothing has changed .. like he will get out of prison and come straight back here and carry on where he left off. Bit of trouble what with me standing in the way. But then I was convinced this would never happen. 'A Historical Court Case' they called it with follow ups like 'He will spend ten years in prison' and ' then get deported'.

In his cocky attitude .. which was different he then calmly stated that the Police were dropping some of the charges as there was not enough evidence before stating “I told you I would win!”

Of course the mother was not able to be reached on the phone as per usual and was supposed to take some stuff over to the new house today .. but bailed, promising to do it first thing tomorrow and .. not much of a reaction to the phone-call an claim other than stating “It was probably bullshit just to scare you?” But even I know this unheard of cocky attitude meant something .. I was also asked by one of his compatriots the other day when and where we were moving?! That is the second time I have been asked that by the same man since I have been here.

It seems I am destined to put this particular community on the face of the nationwide news media map .. except they are as corrupt as they come so .. who knows?

My daughter started packing .. cleaning to which I then started helping and in her panic decided to pack every single Christmas decoration away .. 11 days early!

So among many things needy-boy got a Nintendo DS to keep him quiet, which is hard to do, the older autistic girl got a neat gift of a cheap DVD portable player and Frozen to keep her quiet which unfortunately many of these toys made the youngest one .. louder. Because of Frozen mostly. Except the older autistic girl has this habit of pressing buttons. Even when she has on what she wants on TV and has no idea what 99% of the buttons do on the TV or DVD remote .. she ends up pressing them and turning off that which she wanted and then complains about it. Head scartching stuff I am .. just mind-boggled at.

I told my daughter after watching her switch off the portable DVD three times in thirty minutes “Do you realise she has not watched Frozen all the way through once on that? Probably not even half way through without turning it off?” and she gave me a look and just nodded.

Not serving the purpose for which it was intended. Focus.

Yesterday a friend who was visiting walked into the living room and despite having seen this before and heard it before he said “You know your fridge door is wide open?!” Yeah .. that happens several times a day. All four of them but at least the older one closes the door.

Needy-boy was also sick and by that I mean … throwing up .. and he looked at me and I said “You know what that is? Far too many sweats I am afraid and that is what happens” to which he then started crying. He vomited into a bag for a bit and five minutes later was asking for food?!

Don't know about anyone else but if I am sick to the point of throwing up .. I cannot go anywhere near food for at least 12 hours and anywhere up to 24!

Remember this is Boxing Day morning! MORNING!

Thank you Police .. thank you local councils .. and thank you DWP! There are probably some others worth mentioning ..ooh the NHS of course.

One of the worst cases of endangerment, harassment, health issues which includes several cases of disability you can possibly imagine. It also has the potential to end very badly .. and prison for someone that wont deserve it, me, and very possibly fatal to several people including children.

Did I mention it was Boxing Day morning?!

So .. an awkward conversation from a scared daughter that thought I might desert her and my surprise that she might see it as me deserting her.

As I stated to her .. there was no way that I would go anywhere at all until I knew she was OK and the kids too in every way. Health wise, threats and everything else.

I also told her that this was only though fear, as my plans to help her, the children and support myself so that I could remain here were .. not going according to plan.

Then there is the fact that I am tired a great deal of the time and that familiarity is all that it comes down to. But that it is annoying because London is nothing like the pace it used to be years ago but that .. I feel like there is little there for me anyway. But that it is the areas that I am familiar with and that I know where as here and being alone now I really do not know the area. With my short term memory issues I will take a long time too. Unless I had someone to drive me around for a change that is.

I did reassure her but stating that on the contact sites I am on I do not look at anyone in London and only in this area .. well up to around 70 miles of where I am now seated. Wirral, Liverpool, Manchester but I mainy go for Cheshire and North Wales.

I should have held out for a countryside setting. That I would find a lot easier .. fewer people around and not near Birkenhead Town Centre so much. Only because of scars that an ex left with me.

I did also say that I had thought there might be a chance I might meet someone up here that would make things .. easier for me. Little did I know how much I would need that as things turned out to be worse than I expected and .. appear to be getting worse.

I am used to being on my own but here it is .. different. Only because of all of the failed public services that have made life for several of others, and tens if not hundreds of thousands of others .. a living nightmare.

Hmm I just recalled .. I did think about looking for local .. clubs to join, like Astronomy, wildlife, Orchids and the like. All the sciences I am into.

However .. being on my own a very long time makes .. not being on my own a little bit tricky but .. at least I am getting in some serious training here.

But as I told my daughter previously and will again tonight .. if I found someone who was nice, honest, sincere, intelligent and that wants to know and learn about things and had similar interests and even wanted to come out on my photo shoots, if I ever get to go on them .. then this would be like a dream come true I NEVER thought I would EVER realise or experience.

I often think that I would be lucky to be alive ten years from now. So not sure just how long any possible happiness would last.

Never really had much of any happiness in all honesty .. from devious ex-girlfriends to ones that were almost perfect apart from attacking me regularly.

In fact here is a but of a funny tale to go with the girlfriend who liked attacking me..

Her nephews and niece .. plus her sister see me as the one that got away and are still on my Facebook friends list today . Now with children of their own! They do not have much, if anything, to do with my former girlfriend. Turns out my daughter always thought I was calling her .. stopped by a phone-call, Korean. What I referred to her as is 'The Career Girl'. She made me do a search and it seems like she is a company director now. Does not surprise me. I just hope she did not have any kids as she was somewhat .. heavy handed and violent. God help anyone working below her but then .. maybe she changed?

Oddly for about a day or two I thought she and a friend of my daughter's had the same name but it turns out they are slightly different.

Also it seems that much of my blog has been gone through and my YouTube channels, including some old embarrassing ones I had planned to delete when the numbers built up and am now regretting.

My beard keeps getting unintentionally long but maybe it can save me from any blushes?

Yeah .. ahem .. I am at a disadvantage now. A funny one but an embarrassing one, lol.

Still .. now I also have a dangerous one too and suddenly .. oops .. stopped for a few hours .. friends and now a night out, not for me though, lol.

Oh and needy-boy has just ran in and said “My Nintendo DS has ran out” which might have something to do with the fact that he was running around with a friend of his, visiting friend's daughter, and not actually playing it while leaving it switched on when he did not even let it recharge fully earlier .. oh well .. thought it was just Autistic children that had no concept of time? The one that is three and Autistic along with the other at two lack this concept. But this one is five and not Autistic. I have to wonder whether some things are rubbing off on is younger siblings or .. he is just five and that is what they do?

I would like to think that going back to school things will ease of for me but the issue is that they all do not go to school yet. One only in nursery and even then not every day. She does not like it either and plays up something terrible when she figures out where we are going. At least she is the only one.

Next year she goes to pre-school but even then its only for a couple of hours in the morning. But .. at least then the older one is in full tie school. That means that by then my days will be free to do as I wish. With a camera with any luck!

Ooh now I am imagining what it would be like to have a partner that comes with me on camera shoots, happy to sit there in a spot for between one and four hours fascinated by wildlife and/or landscapes.

Ooh now that embarrassing and up and coming moment? Well that should be .. interesting .. also .. need to kind of .. tidy myself up just a tad and not for the damned hospital tomorrow .. they can go and spin!

Ooh .. would be nice to have a new text buddy and someone that I can actually talk to that is not over two hundred miles away?!

THAT FAMILY

As I stated before I do not like plastering children's faces on the Internet.

However here is that family of mine in need of help over ..

• Victims of Domestic Abuse and an Historical Court Case taking place in January 2018
• Two of four Children more or less diagnosed with Autism .. several tests .. paediatrician left who take an inordinate amount of time for some reason
• Discovery of mother having my disability of Fibromyalgia that sadly ad oddly ..
• Has no less than THREE Cancer scares to get through
• No or very little help from almost all authorities
• Health Visitor OK
• Social Worker OK but overworked and fails to turn up I believe at her bosses requests .. or tricks
• Victim Support full of it
• Family Support Worker turned up once .. seems OK not sure about his understanding of those involved
• Police incompetent as per usual
• Independent Review Officer (IRO) always going crazy about no one turning up (except health visitor) for something like eight children at-risk meetings .. keeps escalating complaint against Wirral Council but that is all that ever happens and fails herself to turn up once
• Everyone fails to turn up save the health visitor who is by far the most regular attendee
• I am here to help because I knew they would do very little
• Did not expect to be here for three months and get no help myself either .. after ..
• Being screwed up the rear by DWP over my disability and starting my own business with the help of Job Centre and their NEA at the thirteenth hour

• JustGiving Crowd Funding: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/martin-haswell
• GoFumdMe Crowd Funding: https://www.gofundme.com/abused-autistic
• My Own Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/saintallnights

UNFAIR TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS

This one I've wondered whether or not to speak about but as progress on so many things has been so slow .. I thought I would.

Domestic violence is a bad, bad thing.

It is not something I ever thought would happen to someone I was related to but has now happened twice that I know of.

This latest one end up with scarring on their arms, one child nearly thrown out of a window and they're are other things that must be far worse because they won't tell me.

There are things I have been told that are just too graphic to put on here.

The victim of scared about a lot of things ..

Three cancer scares I keep taking about.

Two autistic children.

Her other odd symptoms she now knows is a disability she inherited from me which involves memory problems.

Two other children, four in total, and getting them stuff for school, to school and everything else that comes with it.

I watch her struggle in the mornings .. and yet the children somehow have a good attendance record. I simply don't know how.

This morning she was later than usual. You could see her frustration.

Two autistic children screaming over something or the other and needy-boy bleating, he is always loud and high pitched, about food or other things.

The very idea that this might become my responsibility fills me with absolute terror! If I'm still alive of it ever comes to that.

Last night she said something that worried me I never mentioned in that previous post ..

.. she is intending to refuse treatment is inevitable they are going to need to have to give her.

Basically excision of pre-cancer. Might be worse yet, they don't really know. It's just classed on high-grade based on what are small biopsies.

We still have a biopsy result from another area yet!

And I'm sitting here waiting for this damn double flu to pass so I can help more than I am?!

I've made sacrifices I never dreamed I would make.

I'm living in an area I never dreamed I'd ever live in, in a million years.

I'm wondering if my heart will give up at some point or I'm rushed into hospital.

But I have to watch in silent frustration and anger as she does what she has to do.

It's a date worse than death and by the looks of it, for both of us.

I've often championed good causes on here over the years .. I never imagined I'd become part of a really bad one myself?!

Maybe she will change her mind again like she did the house?

So .. will he get sentenced?

I heard one accusation .. despite being unconscious with a fever for an hour or two while another support worker was here .. in a zombie like state I had to hold back, or try, convulsions as I wanted to laugh.

It involved having something done to him that was .. phallic and .. a place where sunlight does not come to rest?!

I have suddenly been asked for a Police check. No problem there .. kinda funny. I wonder what he said about that which would warrant a Police check? I gave my addresses and date and place of birth accordingly.

Maybe when they have checked I might get told what this accusation is? Well I know he is a lying piece of scum but then every single one of his type have turned out to be like that anyway. I am told its part of their .. culture towards others.

In fact he and his brethren have made my life a living hell for the last ten years. That is ten years and despite the fact that they have been helped and allowed to do this .. the victims and sufferers of their actions have been kicked in the teeth .. repeatedly.

I have lost count of the number of times I have ended up in A&E. The number of Doctors and Specialists across GP Surgeries and Hospitals. It is now seven for the former and six or seven for the latter. Though I am expecting the latter to increase.

The torture of what these people are allowed to get away with along with the symptoms I have had to endure, anxiety being the worst and has you praying to die, what your own public services do to you on top of all this is .. just inhuman of the highest order.

So here we are wondering if he will get away with it because we hear of others that have gotten away with it.

If he does he fully expects to get back into the fold, so to speak, as if nothing has happened.

We thought that maybe there was something .. wrong with him .. like being autistic himself but one of the visiting support workers says no. He states that he is very nice normally and polite but when the subject of his .. wife rolls around he .. turns.

If I die and an forced to return to this Earth at some point them I pray it's a far better world than this one?!

THE HEART THAT BEATS DIFFERENTLY

My heart and chest is playing up.

Yeah that is the same day as that last post where everything that happened. It is only 2.16pm and trust me when I say that there will be a lot more happening.

In fact I had forgotten about something that happened last night.

I had mentioned that the older of the two with Autism was getting .. well .. violent, right in front of her mother nearly taking the head off the two year old. Also with Autism.

As I had stated previously .. the older of the two with autism screams the place down to sleep in her mother's bed .. except she does not sleep. Problem numero uno.

Problem numero duo is the fact that their mother suffers with a condition which is, at its very source, a sleep depravation disorder. Because you do not get what they call 'restorative sleep'. This is bad .. and yet no one seems to realise it yet. The less of it you have the worse things get.

This can affect your blood pressure, both high and low, and even your heart rate and rhythm as is does with me.

There are now claims that it is linked to a much higher risk of cancer, would explain how they panicked about my head MRI, never did figure that one out.

Unfortunately mum has three scares to now get through where I previously only had one!

At first this seemed easy and even to me a good idea because by sleeping in her mother's bed the youngest was getting undisturbed sleep. Normally disturbed by the older Autistic one waking her up throughout the night. Meaning the youngest was ratty the next day. She is ratty now as I explained in the last post but I am mostly putting this down to the fact she was Autistic and with a cold like virus which is probably where I got my third dose of it?

I had a friend on the phone a little earlier and since mentioning I have now contracted my third flu-like virus he is asking why I have not had a flu-job. Never had a flu-job .. ever!

So my daughter said to me “Oh, did I tell you what {older girl} did last night? I went in her room an she had smashed everything up .. including the dolls house which was smashed all over the floor!” with a look of shock on her face. I simply answered “Oh shit, are you serious?”

My immediate thoughts were that this was something that needed reporting to the authorities and I am going to mention this to her. It would .. or at least it should make them realise that these girls need separate rooms?!

Even if you only separated the girls your still talking about four bedroom house when this one and the one offered currently are both three bedroom.

Then you have a very needy-boy who wants to be the centre of attention all the time who also goes around winding the other three up, crying his eyes out when he goes to bed .. because the ten year old is till up when he, the five year old, is being sent to bed. I can go on about the things he does, the lies he tells, the winding up he does and the crafty things he does .. as well as breaking the toys belonging to the others but I will say something that is funny .. though annoying too and he does not learn because he gets yelled at every single freakin' time. He just does not take things on board .. but then he does not want to because what you get is a crafty grin from him when he thinks your not looking ..

When he hears his mother call out to his older brother .. who is in the next room or even in the same room as his mother the needy-boy .. so desperate to feel he is centre of attention calls down to his brother and says “[NAME] .. mum told you to go to bed!!”

Last night, not knowing his mother was out of the house .. I was getting crying that gets louder so that he can be heard. Upon entering his room and asking him what is wrong he says ..

“My room is too hot!”

Well I have heard a lot of things over the years but that one was a first.

“I need a drink .. my mouth is dry!”

The first he says even if he has a drink just prior to going to bed and the latter half of that sentence is something his mother says and as she has now been told .. is a Fibromyalgia thing. So he is copying a statement made abut a health condition to state the reason why he needs drink.

The other thing he loves to do is rat on his siblings and if this can be used as an excuse to come downstairs it will be. Despite the fact that the only other one that plays-up and does more naughty things than him is the older of the two with Autism. Even the it is a close run race.

On his own it is a different kettle of fish. But then he has no competition then.

But then there is lies the rub .. he is not only in competition with two younger autistic children, which he does not seem to mind go to bed earlier than him, but an older brother twice his age and five years older than him.

On any other occasion .. it would just be a needy-boy to deal with. But it is not. He is centre stage to being the sole disruptive influence and what with his older brother now heading for 11 and puberty it will only get worse.

Then there is that thought if what if the older sister had smashed up all that stuff and had hit her younger sister with it?!

Oops .. oh my God .. just had a major meltdown in here .. running up the stairs because she decided she wanted to go with her mother to the school .. I was asked by their mother's friend “Have you got your earplugs, Martin?!” from someone that cannot handle her for more than a few minutes. She told me this to my shock one day while we were waiting in a car together for the mum to finish some business .. business that was to do with the house that has now been turned down anyway.

As soon as the door was locked she ran upstairs and after hearing what she did in the bedroom last night and with her mother's room available to her .. well that was not happening.

You do not want to know about the state I have found the mother's room in .. or the fact that friends were here one night and asked “What the feck is that loud banging” and I went upstairs to find the older one with Autism repeatedly slamming a heavy chair to the floor .. because Cbeebies had finished on TV and she was DEANDING IT.

She is given into for a peaceful life and yet it is only short-lived. A few days and chairs are being slammed against the floor to the point you think the ceiling is coming down. Or water is pouring into the kitchen from either the bath overflowing or she is bailing out water from the toilet. That is when she is not ruining loads of food because the kitchen is totally unsuitable.

It is never ending.

I reached her in her bedroom where she aid she was going to bed. Umm .. no! She does not never go to bed and that is at night when she is supposed to.

What she wanted was for me to come down and then she gets up to letting out her rage and frustrations .. which meant the bathroom would get flooded or her mother's room wrecked.

So I asked her downstairs to ear-piercing screams of “NO!” with an evil look. I demanded that she went downstairs to an even louder and still negative answer.

So I picked her up and her meltdown went into overdrive .. with some turbocharging on top.

She sits opposite me .. till wanting to play up with some 'mummy's being whimpered now and then, because she knows he gets away with it with her mum. But then it goes quiet and she is glued to Gon again, a children's program on Netflix.

Me sitting here with my heart pounding and irregular heart beats wondering if I will make it through until tonight without collapsing or ending up in hospital.

All because the government and public services are failing more an more people and have moved on from disabled people and those with terminal cancer being asked to go to Job Centre's and have now started to fail vulnerable children.

I cannot even explain how many dangerous things I have stopped them doing.

The funny thing is I stated to the mother that I have noticed that she is getting worse and the other said “ think she is getting better”. Umm .. no. I think this was aid because she did not have to put up with her in the car doing her shit .. but since then the walk to and from school was OK to begin with but now a nightmare. Which is why she is here, now and not on her way to the school. Even the mother's friend had to be taken to the local Job Centre and I found out why in the car. She told me that this child was now dragging her feet, deliberately stopping and it has taken 40 minutes for what should have taken 15 minutes.

When I state 'in the car pulling her shit' I really am not exaggerating here. It was this 'shit' that got her mother pulled by the Police, her friend told me. Having gotten out of her car seat and hanging out of the window as they went across traffic lights. The insurance payment had been missed without us realising it and had I realised I would have simply paid it. They refused to take a payment because it got missed once before .. which I also paid!

The Police Officer upon hearing our story felt really bad about it all and wished he had not pulled us over.

That is how dangerous and disruptive they are and there is not one but TWO of them and in all honesty .. taking either of the girls in my car is a living nightmare. One I really do not want to do! It literally scares the living crap out of me.

Needy-boy makes it all even scarier when he is around.

The 'C' scares are scary on their own and I am expecting surgery at least .. the worst does not even bear thinking about.

Now the younger one is playing up because she wants the TV turned over the Peppa Pig .. something they only watch for about 10 to 30 minutes before getting bored.

They just see a thumbnail with colours on it and they want to see it. They start screaming when you don't so I let one find out the hard way an hour ago that the thumbnail with a Shark in it is not what she thinks and is and was I fact a documentary about .. Sharks. Real sharks! Yeah .. I have no issues with putting that on but I know within five minutes of trying to type a post out I will be asked to change it again.

Bizarrely I have out on several programs the screamed about when I chose them that they then become glued to for the next hour or two?!

One of these is Oscar's Oasis and the other one, about a young Dinosaur, called. There have been one or two others but the older girl even says now “I want Oscar on!”

I am just really and truly making this shit up as I go along.

And now I am having a coughing fit!

This would be a lot easier without the anxiety an the other .. worries.

What concerns me is that these wont be dealt with by .. anyone?!

The older with Autism is now behaving and chatting to me as if nothing has happened .. again and another eerie thing that happens.

GOFUNDME FLUNG TO THE FOUR WINDS!

EDIT: Now turns out that this account is live .. I guess they looked at the links I proved them to both this blog and my YouTube account and realised I was legitimate?

I had some issues with GoFundMe who seem to be unable to read.

I have now had two emails fro them and replied to the last one but I am going to assume that as they seem to be unable to read and have had some history with people abusing their service, like a certain Jenny McDermott , an self proclaimed SJW, for example, that they have become .. trigger happy?

So I have started up a different one as when GoFundMe ask for even more .. stuff I am simply not going to bother.

So I have used Just Giving as they seem to be UK based?

If you did nit read the last one .. this is to do with a young mother, my daughter, with three cancer scares .. four children, two of which are autistic and a historical court case for domestic violence against her ..

.. there is a lot more details but will not go into them here. More on the crowd funding page ..

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/martin-haswell

THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY

Now let's see if I can get this straight in my head?

I'm alone with the youngest grandchild and two women have gone to pick up a child.

There is an appointment to do with the older of the autistic children who is the one being picked up, which takes place in a couple of hours.

Just prior to them leaving the three of us struggled as we tried to recall the odd behaviours of the older of the two with autism. Paediatrician! That's the appointment they are having today, my bloody memory?!

So yeah .. two of us with the memory issues and one other listing all the of behavioural patterns on just the older of the two with autism.

It was a very, very long list.

But that's not why I'm typing this out ..

It was meeting number seven with the council, suicidal workers, health visitor, victim support, school and nursery. At risk children over domestic violence with Terri of them more or less diagnosed with Autism. I say 'more or less' because it's accepted by all but you have to go through processes that are basically a stalling procedure. Then there is this stupid rule about not being able to list it into they are four years old.

Now if it was the age of three before you could list it, whatever 'listing it' is, I could understand it to a certain degree. Still wouldn't agree mind.

This is because of the infamous phrase of 'the terrible two's' as say in the UK.

So it might be .. difficult to ascertain?

But what if the 'terrible two's'' become the 'torturous two's'' because that age is compounded by the onset of Autism?

So .. there were three of us and one child heading down to this meeting. We were a little early but the mother wanted this. Because they had failed to turn up so many times if they did it once again they would look even worse than they already did, if that was at all possible.

They did it again and they did look worse.

We waited patiently in my car fur well over an hour, and closer or even longer than 90 minutes the longest I had waited this far. The friend said they must have turned up as it had taken so long and I said with a knowing smile "Don't bet on it!"

Of course the child with us played to several times and I had to console her with bubbles that had no liquid in them, coins and games.

The mother in the meeting came back and her friend, convinced that everyone had to have turned up due to the time said "So the meeting went ahead this time then?" to which I knew the answer as I'd seen her face. She said "No! Nobody turned up and the Independent Review Officer went mad." Her friend said "But you've been in there way over an hour?!" to which the mother then said "Yeah, she ordered some prior down, she was one of this people that does things with their hands while taking .. well she pointed at each of them and said : you call yourselves personals?!'" to which her friend said "Your joking??" then started laughing.

I am still not sure who, if anyone, had arrived. If be surprised if the health visitor was a no-show.

As we drove away I said that this is the beginning of the end I've been waiting for .. the fact that no one wants to be there confirms what I already suspected several years earlier. Except they are not being smart about it.

It shows me cracks that I've been waiting for, for almost an entire decade. Because when I first suspected what we going on 15 years ago or occurred to me there was one possible way it could all fall down.

The very weird thing about all this is that I never expected in a million years that I'd be right in the middle of it, figuring figuratively speak as I'm actually just inside the edge.

I never thought I'd actually witness personally that which I've been predicting for a very, very long time now. I also expected it to happen a lot sooner.

I've read and watched new articles over the last few years where I thought it might happen, but did not.

But then maybe this is what it takes?

Out of all the big name but utterly useless national tabloids and TV news networks it had to take me being involved to break it and force something to happen?

Let's not beat and the bush here .. they are certainly scared of something. They simply have to be to not turn up when an outside body ORDERS them to. So what is it? And why is a separate entity involved?

Well it's not like there are unlimited funds for private legal proceedings or any Legal Aid? Because there isn't.

There is, however, me. More specifically what I've been doing for a very long time and this blog.

But that's not what I'm getting at, just a possibility as to why they are acting the way that they are.

What I said we that .. you have a situation where no one wants to take the blame. No one.

There must have been a long list of situations around the country whereby councils, schools, nurseries, social workers, victim support and others have been given blame? Even the NHS has this and every the ones reported on make a scarily king list. I bet the real list would have the nation in an uproar?!

What I predicted is that even in the event that they help each other out and they do, that there would eventually be situations where this fails to work? Then you would have literally panic stations in each organisation and not wanting to take the blame they would all point fingers at each other.

The nursery has admitted that they know Wirral Council are trying to blame them.

Oh we it turns out I've now finally just had a conversation about this and my trusty health visitor was in fact a no-show?! I'm shocked.

In fact the only one that turned up as someone from the nursery, which is a first.

When someone from the school finally turned up after being ordered to do so they had their proverbial strips turn off then fit not doing anything and not perform something called a Conner's Test, or something similar.

Also weird is that I watched this morning as the mother spoke to the headmaster of the primary school about the meeting that morning. He claimed to boot know anything about it but .. well be then did. They did not show up either.

The mother pulled a me!

The appointment with the paediatrician is tomorrow and not today. But they did state that they had all the reports. So .. that's something .. I think?

Got a glimpse of one page of the primary school report the mother dude she should request .. under notes on the back of actually states 'nothing' and then says can't count beyond our even to '3'.

Funny as I've got her to count beyond '3'.

Oh, would you believe it?

I've just had a call from what sounds like a helpful and understanding person from what he described as some joint venture between the Citizens Advice Bureau and Age UK.

"WOW! This is a .. tricky one! I'll have to go and speak to others about this!" is more or less what he said word for word.

He said he will call back in half an hour but I'm not going to hold my breath. After all and as I already stated they were supposed to ring me the other day but didn't. Taken then three of four days.

I don't care about the waiting and I never have, desire what some over zealous woman said on DPAC's Facebook wall.

If someone tells each of us "Don't worry, this WILL be sorted in [X] amount of time" we will both sleep easier.

Unfortunately this can't happen did the young mother until five things occur. Maybe more? The results to a biopsy, breast scan and abdominal scan. That's the important three. Lung even .. ovaries scan. Full diagnosis from at least one of the two children. Initiation of the support needed and there's a lot to fix too. Painting, decorating and moving to the new house and a car acquired with all necessary equipment for Autistic children, TWO no less.

I discovered a bit more as the day went on .. it is like King's Cross Station here .. some days there is a lot of coming and going and today is one of those days.

My daughter has called the GP Surgery three or four times in the last four days in the hope of getting results. I told her that they wont get results for two weeks minimum. She told me that they were told that it would be within two weeks. I said that maybe it is different around here, but I doubted it, but that in my experience the process goes no faster than two weeks. In non fatal test results it can take 6 to 8 weeks but I did not tell her that part.

However she went and phoned today and some idiot told her exactly that. I said that I had hoped they would keep that art from her but reminded her that with my own head MRI they told me two weeks, it took a little over that and they came back as clear. Though .. they could have lied. It would not have been the first, second or third time they had lied. In fact it runs well into the double figures and beyond a couple of dozen. Soo ..

That seemed to settle her a little but tonight she was on edge and wanted to go and see a friend and asked if it was OK if I looked after the kids? I said yes, two girls would have been put into bed anyway and with any luck would have fallen asleep and with a little more luck wont wake up.

Of course needy-boy was told to go to sleep and his overwhelming feelings of self-importance had him starting to play up by faking some loud crying. First he was told off for it and then she gave in and said he could stay up until 8pm. Giving him an extra two and a half hours.

He was also told to go to bed when “Grandad tells you to or you go to bed early for the rest of the week”

Yeah .. that really does not work because he knows the the grizzling loudly gets him what he wats half the time.

Take for instance the other night, he got a pack of crisp just before bed. He then kept shouting down and demanding a packet of crisps. I had told him off, told him no and that he had already had a pack. But he just grizzled even louder and higher pitched and said “But mom said!!” I do not recall that and because of the grizzling and the fact he knows his mother will panic that the two autistic girls will wake up she took him up a packet of crisps.

He never learns.

He then wanted to coe down because he did not want them all because 'I am full'. Did not really want the crisps as much as he cried abut then, did he?

His mother was then told by me that he had quite literally lied about wanting crisps because he had just eaten a pack before being told to go to bed. He had NEVER failed to eat a packet of crisps before so gave himself away to his mother. Her friend also turned round and said “HE had just been given a packet of crisps just before he went to bed, I can't believe you gave him another packet!” to which his mother went “Oh?!”

This was the night the Police were here so his mother did not know. She was bloody annoyed that he had been played yet again by this boy.

It is literally like this every single day .. when he is not winding up his older brother or his two younger autistic daughters he is telling lies, demanding stuff, helping himself to stuff and doing all manner of things.

What drives us adults to even more distraction is that if he catches a glimpse of someone else doing something, even not that bad, he races into the room trying to get them into trouble.

When I say he winds up the others .. if they do get into trouble for something he will then say to them “Ha-ha! Mums told you off!” Yes he is the most misbehaved of them all.

He is only beaten by the two girls or two and three by their meltdowns which at the end of the day is down to their condition. Yes .. when severity is involved and maybe volume the girls come in one and two in the list of bad behaviour and their parent's stress levels. But for sheer consistency then needy-boy gets it every single time.

I have told everyone that I pray to God he grows out of it and soon .. as it would be nice to get another problem out of the way so that we can concentrate on the Autism, research and what or more apt, how we are meant to deal with it.

Anyway .. I was told something quite interesting regarding the meeting of all today and that was that .. well .. I keep saying this year that I have lots of things to publish? Well the mother kind of let the cat out of the bag when she said at the end of the meeting when several people were ragged into it more or less kicking and screaming .. breaking one of my own golden rules ..

“Just to let you know .. I am recording you all!!”

I looked at her and said “Your joking, right?” and then laughed. Oh well .. if they had not figured it before as they caught my daughter using a phone so that I could record a meeting from around 8 years ago .. they know now!!

Yeeeeaaah .. you see .. I have not published anything for around two and a half to three years but that did not mean that I was not doing anything. Sorry NHS, I know you read this blog! LMAO!

I said 'cracks' and I meant 'cracks' and I have what could be the largest proverbial crow-bar in the history of proverbial crow-bars.

But as I have said recently .. it all comes down!

For instance .. if your utterly shocked at what you have read recently and have had doubts about the believability of it all I first off would not blame you and secondly .. yeeeah .. I have been collecting a hell of a lot of proof and I have become very adept at doing it, bar the odd stupid mistake.

What they should be realising about now .. well after asking themselves how many of the several dozen meetings that produced nothing at all have actually been recorded, is how long do they have?

I had stated to the young mother that things were so bad here with both Wirral Council and the NHS Trust that I would not be surprised at all if government commissioners were bought in an Wirral Council was dissolved and the area put fully into Cheshire?

That might sound extreme but .. many, many years ago they completely changed the postcodes here and it places on the Wirral used to start with an 'L' for Liverpool but then changed it to 'CH' for Cheshire which I thought most bizarre at the time.

It is t a process that would take place over night but you might hear something in around a year to eighteen months, maybe?

Yeah .. they seemed and it felt like they were trying their best to get rid of me by forcing something upon me that would be .. well .. self-inflicted? I still have the scars.

That was never going to happen unless I took them all down with me.

Or indeed they pissed me off again by failing the members further down my family tree.

They have not only attempted both but in as many months.

My excuse to start recording again?

Umm .. whoever said I was recording .. again?! That would suggest that I stopped at some point?

Nahhh .. that is exactly what I wanted all the public services to think! Sorry to any previous people doomed to become my victims .. it is purely business and most of all .. JUSTICE.

No one forced you all to lie, cheat and falsify documents, reports and the like ..

.. or did they.

Anyone want to release some tension by taking deep fast rapid breaths?

Might I suggest a whistle?

LMFAO!

EDIT:

Ooh I almost forgot .. here is a lesson from the past I have told over and over and over again ..

When the mother announced she was recording, using one of my own nifty devices I might add, the representative from the Nursery said the following ..

"Good! I am so glad that you are because you cannot rust any of this lot!"

When told this I then said the following ..

"Right, now you know that you can trust that person because they have shown without actually saying it that they have nothing to hide!"

END EDIT

For those of you with the very unfortunate fate of having a child suffering with Autism and had no help .. well if you wondered where to look and might well be wondering what the hell this 'Conner's Test' is ..

Conner's Parent Test Questionnaire PDF file ..

http://ibergmanmd.com/uploads/3/0/9/3/3093942/parent.pdf

Net Mums ..

https://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/special-needs-disabilities-support-502/911011-connors-test-online-all.html

ADHD-BRAIN ..

http://www.adhd-brain.com/conners-adult-adhd-rating-scale.html

The ADD/ADHD Support Site ..

http://www.attentiondeficit-add-adhd.com/adhd-connors-test.htm

Autism.org.uk ..

http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is.aspx?gclid=Cj0KCQiAgZTRBRDmARIsAJvVWAshSsc08PoFk9hDwNGdnuC5X7u_5wpWjRDBOKzblxxCb29Hr55M1PMaAlDpEALw_wcB

EQUIPMENT AT THE READY!

Well I'm sitting in St Catherine's Hospital and feeling .. weird and a little .. anxious.

I know this appointment won't come to much especially as I discovered this isn't the fast-track appointment I was told I was getting. That then comes from this one .. or if I get called back due a second appointment here?

But as well as this is the full MRI happening to someone else at 12.40pm.

I probably won't be able to put the tags on this until later on tonight and even then only when the two girls are asleep. You just can't do anything while they are awake.

Then we both feel shattered and we both have the short term memory part of Fibromyalgia anyway.

This are very simply .. impossible.

We are basically just struggling by while trying every now and then to reach out to get help.

At least we had a letter regarding what I believe to be the audiology test around the 5th December, I think it was.

A test for the youngest boy I wasn't even aware was tested came back OK, so no ADHD. Just a plain old needy child that thinks the rules apply to his three siblings and not him. Lol.

Last night good older brother was being called who didn't hear us. But the ten year-olds five year old brother heard us from his bed and started shouting downstairs to him. In the hope he would be told it's bedtime. Because he doesn't understand that being twice his age means he stays to longer. It's kinda funny.

I'm not really used to all this, never had children around to watch grow up.

I don't know what children do and at what age.

As I have said to several people here in making it up as I go along.

I'm getting tired all the time and it's getting worse but I've absolutely nowhere where I can relax.

The few times I get back to my own flat for a few hours I simply cannot relax there either.

But none of that had been on my mind for days because there is so much else going on all the time.

Of course this got a whole lot worse around a week ago and I literally don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I'm always one to have clean clothing on but I've only just managed to wash a load of clothes .. oops ..

Got called in.

Usual crap tests .. ECG which showed a little as did the blood pressure test ..

170/110

As I noted in the letter this is not what the GP referred to as a fast-track appointment.

In fact now I've been in the hospital a second time in not quite so sure it's a hospital. In fact it's more like an oversized GP Surgery and appears to have no beds/wards?

Not entirely sure what the point was with the building .. especially as it looks like it costs millions to build?

Anyway as I knew .. I was told to stop smoking .. it won't really do very much at all and I fucking hate it when they tell you that ..

.. so I told my usual story about turning down the offer of a Doctorate at Middlesex University where I would have worked on the software to teach keyhole surgeons how to do surgery.

Her eyes went wide and her mouth opened with shock. I normally get surprised reactions but not to this level. She said I should have accepted, I said "I know".

I only tell this story to stop being patronised and hearing the same shit. The 'stop smoking' line.

The fact is I have quit .. TWICE!!

Up until the DWP came along and fecked with everything I had not smoked for three years.

Up until the DWP pulled the rug from under me.

I then found out about my daughter's domestic violence which is a historical court case with the perpetrator locked up, though still phoning my daughter and her mother up to 165 times a night.

I then found out one of my grandchildren was autistic, which made a lot of sense.

I was at starting to realise my daughter already had my disability. Quite a few symptoms I had plus I was noticing some I didn't.

There were some female specific issues that I just assumed must be parts of Fibromyalgia that I just hadn't read about. But no.

I had already started smoking at this point .. now it must be stressed that I not only have no confidence whatsoever is ANY public service or their governing bodies and watchdogs, or the courts for that matter, but I knew they lied.

I knew that this lying would ultimately lead to consequences later on. So did nurses as well as pharmacists I had spoken to. So did two GPs.

At least you can tell with a small percentage of petite that they became Doctors and Specialists to actually help people and not for the salary.

As she was telling her GP of her Fibromyalgia this then explained several things the GP had been wondering about. But then there were those other things ..

These have appeared to several, yup now several due to a clinical meeting, General Practitioners and Specialists to look like something else .. something not good.

Then there was something else .. then there was something else in a follow up appointment.

Battery of tests, return to GP and then there was something else.

Leaving aside the Fibromyalgia confirmation we have had no less than FOUR extra things all of which don't look good at all.

So what I was going to state earlier in the post is that I was worried about a later appointment I'm not even present at.

In fact as in typing this out this other appointment should be with done or about half way through.

It's a full body MRI and at a cost between £3,000 to £5,000 when I last looked .. they simply don't perform these unless they are worried. Very .. worried.

I know because I've asked for one for over ten years, see the problem here? I almost nearly had one performed privately. That's how I know the minimum cost. It was somewhere in the vicinity of Canary Wharf?

So yeah .. stop smoking? Your joking right?

This would be an unreasonable expectation anyway with everything that is, or indeed is not, going on. Throw in the cursed anxiety and you might as well kill me right now.

In fact I stated recently that things have been bad at times where I just wished I would die and it was all over with.

This is not once or twice and it's not even in the single figure ball-park.

It's well into double figures and wouldn't be too surprised if it was into three figures.

After awhile you just want to to end.

There's a list of things which invariably are behind this and any one can have you wishing to God that someone would just switch off the proverbial lights!

The anxiety is one and the others are a number of pains in different parts of my body.

And I'm only talking about mine!

Now I have to think about what's its like for someone else who has serious complications thrown into that mix.

Then the fact that there is no one to rely on one hundred percent. Even the one that is around is now not trusted by the council of all people. So relying on them won't go down well with the council of anything happens!

That's because of four children on the endangered, I think it's called, register. Two of which are autistic which can be OK at times, good sometimes, bad at others and a trip into hell but with embarrassment sometimes thrown in at others.

My mind .. boggles. When it had the chance and gets the time to .. well, boggle.

It's been .. boggling for weeks. It boggles more and more all the time and I'm sure it's a few weeks from leveling out?

So I sit here awaiting someone's return and I have more tests at Arrow Park Hospital the day after Boxing Day.

An Echocardiogram followed by a 24 hour .. umm Echocardiogram. Wait let me check? Yup.

Oh that's .. weird. She said Arrow Park but it seems that it's the same hospital?

Ahh .. unless there is another one to come through the post?

Yeah .. memory problems .. simply can't recall everything .. often .. of I can recall anything at all.

My daughter has the exact same thing too.

Hmm ..

Well they have returned. Only I'm somewhat confused ..

No MRI was performed?!

The person who accompanied the patient said that all they did was sit there and talk about things. Things?

Of course as the the course of a usual day for us .. there was only minutes to spare before I was left with the two young girls again and other children had to be picked up from school.

At least my chest pains and heart palpitations were aggravated by children having meltdowns, fights, arguing, screaming for things.

Well .. the second time they went out one screamed for something. Until I said I'd give it to her if she was quiet. But then I knew it would be mere seconds be the other one spotted the youngest one with a biscuit and a slice of bread and started.

Then it went back to being quiet. Thankfully. The only other thing is having to put up with mind melting children's videos with have had to endure over and over again.

Well .. this time and desire their previous negative responses and shouts of "NO?!" I have managed to put on two or three things in the last few days they were then glued to.

Right now it's Oscar's Oasis which can be found on Netflix.

Finding something that one autistic child likes outside of their 'norm' or comfort zone is hard enough. Finding one that pleases two is a nightmare.

Oh then there is needy-boy who only ever wants to watch Spider-Man or someone playing a Lego game that he then thinks he is playing. Pressing his knees like they are buttons. He becomes transfixed and you can tell his name and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Say a sentence was a particular food word in it and somehow they all hear that?! Has to be particular foods though ..

Pizza, chips, biscuits, yoghurt, chocolate, drink, milkshake and crisps are all key-words they react to. Oh the youngest loves bread. Oh and toast and cereal is another one.

Oddly the older of the autistic children seems to go against everything you offer her. Offer one flavour of crisps and she shouts "no" and demands a particular colour packet. Most of the time though she then brings you the uneaten packet, hands then you you and says "Don't like it!"

Point at a cereal and she demands a different one and the same thing as the crisps can take place with "Don't like it!"

The wastage of food is indescribable. Seems almost criminal to me with the cost of food today and people .. well some people, not self inflicted, going starving.

Speaking of self-inflicted?

One couple had one half of them convinced they were getting two payments before Christmas of Universal Credit.

One 4 year old and one on the way.

Turns out they haven't and despite being warned by others the one convinced had a little bit of a spend.

Now things look .. precarious.

Now I have to wait to find out what in the world happened today?

I ended up in terrible pain just prior to them leaving to go to the hospital.

I looked after the two girls and they wanted to cancel the appointment because of this but I said "NO! Your going!"

Oops .. seems Oscar didn't last and I've had to resort to watching Peppa Pig fit the hundredth time!

The other children's program they like is called Gon, seemingly about a young Dinosaur or Lizard.