EQUIPMENT AT THE READY!

Well I'm sitting in St Catherine's Hospital and feeling .. weird and a little .. anxious.

I know this appointment won't come to much especially as I discovered this isn't the fast-track appointment I was told I was getting. That then comes from this one .. or if I get called back due a second appointment here?

But as well as this is the full MRI happening to someone else at 12.40pm.

I probably won't be able to put the tags on this until later on tonight and even then only when the two girls are asleep. You just can't do anything while they are awake.

Then we both feel shattered and we both have the short term memory part of Fibromyalgia anyway.

This are very simply .. impossible.

We are basically just struggling by while trying every now and then to reach out to get help.

At least we had a letter regarding what I believe to be the audiology test around the 5th December, I think it was.

A test for the youngest boy I wasn't even aware was tested came back OK, so no ADHD. Just a plain old needy child that thinks the rules apply to his three siblings and not him. Lol.

Last night good older brother was being called who didn't hear us. But the ten year-olds five year old brother heard us from his bed and started shouting downstairs to him. In the hope he would be told it's bedtime. Because he doesn't understand that being twice his age means he stays to longer. It's kinda funny.

I'm not really used to all this, never had children around to watch grow up.

I don't know what children do and at what age.

As I have said to several people here in making it up as I go along.

I'm getting tired all the time and it's getting worse but I've absolutely nowhere where I can relax.

The few times I get back to my own flat for a few hours I simply cannot relax there either.

But none of that had been on my mind for days because there is so much else going on all the time.

Of course this got a whole lot worse around a week ago and I literally don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I'm always one to have clean clothing on but I've only just managed to wash a load of clothes .. oops ..

Got called in.

Usual crap tests .. ECG which showed a little as did the blood pressure test ..

170/110

As I noted in the letter this is not what the GP referred to as a fast-track appointment.

In fact now I've been in the hospital a second time in not quite so sure it's a hospital. In fact it's more like an oversized GP Surgery and appears to have no beds/wards?

Not entirely sure what the point was with the building .. especially as it looks like it costs millions to build?

Anyway as I knew .. I was told to stop smoking .. it won't really do very much at all and I fucking hate it when they tell you that ..

.. so I told my usual story about turning down the offer of a Doctorate at Middlesex University where I would have worked on the software to teach keyhole surgeons how to do surgery.

Her eyes went wide and her mouth opened with shock. I normally get surprised reactions but not to this level. She said I should have accepted, I said "I know".

I only tell this story to stop being patronised and hearing the same shit. The 'stop smoking' line.

The fact is I have quit .. TWICE!!

Up until the DWP came along and fecked with everything I had not smoked for three years.

Up until the DWP pulled the rug from under me.

I then found out about my daughter's domestic violence which is a historical court case with the perpetrator locked up, though still phoning my daughter and her mother up to 165 times a night.

I then found out one of my grandchildren was autistic, which made a lot of sense.

I was at starting to realise my daughter already had my disability. Quite a few symptoms I had plus I was noticing some I didn't.

There were some female specific issues that I just assumed must be parts of Fibromyalgia that I just hadn't read about. But no.

I had already started smoking at this point .. now it must be stressed that I not only have no confidence whatsoever is ANY public service or their governing bodies and watchdogs, or the courts for that matter, but I knew they lied.

I knew that this lying would ultimately lead to consequences later on. So did nurses as well as pharmacists I had spoken to. So did two GPs.

At least you can tell with a small percentage of petite that they became Doctors and Specialists to actually help people and not for the salary.

As she was telling her GP of her Fibromyalgia this then explained several things the GP had been wondering about. But then there were those other things ..

These have appeared to several, yup now several due to a clinical meeting, General Practitioners and Specialists to look like something else .. something not good.

Then there was something else .. then there was something else in a follow up appointment.

Battery of tests, return to GP and then there was something else.

Leaving aside the Fibromyalgia confirmation we have had no less than FOUR extra things all of which don't look good at all.

So what I was going to state earlier in the post is that I was worried about a later appointment I'm not even present at.

In fact as in typing this out this other appointment should be with done or about half way through.

It's a full body MRI and at a cost between £3,000 to £5,000 when I last looked .. they simply don't perform these unless they are worried. Very .. worried.

I know because I've asked for one for over ten years, see the problem here? I almost nearly had one performed privately. That's how I know the minimum cost. It was somewhere in the vicinity of Canary Wharf?

So yeah .. stop smoking? Your joking right?

This would be an unreasonable expectation anyway with everything that is, or indeed is not, going on. Throw in the cursed anxiety and you might as well kill me right now.

In fact I stated recently that things have been bad at times where I just wished I would die and it was all over with.

This is not once or twice and it's not even in the single figure ball-park.

It's well into double figures and wouldn't be too surprised if it was into three figures.

After awhile you just want to to end.

There's a list of things which invariably are behind this and any one can have you wishing to God that someone would just switch off the proverbial lights!

The anxiety is one and the others are a number of pains in different parts of my body.

And I'm only talking about mine!

Now I have to think about what's its like for someone else who has serious complications thrown into that mix.

Then the fact that there is no one to rely on one hundred percent. Even the one that is around is now not trusted by the council of all people. So relying on them won't go down well with the council of anything happens!

That's because of four children on the endangered, I think it's called, register. Two of which are autistic which can be OK at times, good sometimes, bad at others and a trip into hell but with embarrassment sometimes thrown in at others.

My mind .. boggles. When it had the chance and gets the time to .. well, boggle.

It's been .. boggling for weeks. It boggles more and more all the time and I'm sure it's a few weeks from leveling out?

So I sit here awaiting someone's return and I have more tests at Arrow Park Hospital the day after Boxing Day.

An Echocardiogram followed by a 24 hour .. umm Echocardiogram. Wait let me check? Yup.

Oh that's .. weird. She said Arrow Park but it seems that it's the same hospital?

Ahh .. unless there is another one to come through the post?

Yeah .. memory problems .. simply can't recall everything .. often .. of I can recall anything at all.

My daughter has the exact same thing too.

Hmm ..

Well they have returned. Only I'm somewhat confused ..

No MRI was performed?!

The person who accompanied the patient said that all they did was sit there and talk about things. Things?

Of course as the the course of a usual day for us .. there was only minutes to spare before I was left with the two young girls again and other children had to be picked up from school.

At least my chest pains and heart palpitations were aggravated by children having meltdowns, fights, arguing, screaming for things.

Well .. the second time they went out one screamed for something. Until I said I'd give it to her if she was quiet. But then I knew it would be mere seconds be the other one spotted the youngest one with a biscuit and a slice of bread and started.

Then it went back to being quiet. Thankfully. The only other thing is having to put up with mind melting children's videos with have had to endure over and over again.

Well .. this time and desire their previous negative responses and shouts of "NO?!" I have managed to put on two or three things in the last few days they were then glued to.

Right now it's Oscar's Oasis which can be found on Netflix.

Finding something that one autistic child likes outside of their 'norm' or comfort zone is hard enough. Finding one that pleases two is a nightmare.

Oh then there is needy-boy who only ever wants to watch Spider-Man or someone playing a Lego game that he then thinks he is playing. Pressing his knees like they are buttons. He becomes transfixed and you can tell his name and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Say a sentence was a particular food word in it and somehow they all hear that?! Has to be particular foods though ..

Pizza, chips, biscuits, yoghurt, chocolate, drink, milkshake and crisps are all key-words they react to. Oh the youngest loves bread. Oh and toast and cereal is another one.

Oddly the older of the autistic children seems to go against everything you offer her. Offer one flavour of crisps and she shouts "no" and demands a particular colour packet. Most of the time though she then brings you the uneaten packet, hands then you you and says "Don't like it!"

Point at a cereal and she demands a different one and the same thing as the crisps can take place with "Don't like it!"

The wastage of food is indescribable. Seems almost criminal to me with the cost of food today and people .. well some people, not self inflicted, going starving.

Speaking of self-inflicted?

One couple had one half of them convinced they were getting two payments before Christmas of Universal Credit.

One 4 year old and one on the way.

Turns out they haven't and despite being warned by others the one convinced had a little bit of a spend.

Now things look .. precarious.

Now I have to wait to find out what in the world happened today?

I ended up in terrible pain just prior to them leaving to go to the hospital.

I looked after the two girls and they wanted to cancel the appointment because of this but I said "NO! Your going!"

Oops .. seems Oscar didn't last and I've had to resort to watching Peppa Pig fit the hundredth time!

The other children's program they like is called Gon, seemingly about a young Dinosaur or Lizard.

OLD HABITS REALLY DO DIE HARD

Well last night I found some tobacco and some cigarette papers I forgot I had from way over a year ago.

Last night I rolled a cigarette and I have just finished another one and am annoyed with myself! This is because despite the NHS stating that I could have the nicotine gum indefinitely when I changed GPs by new one ... err my old GP stated they only give cessation medicine for just three months, which in all honesty is bloody useless!

So the entire time I was under the last GP I have had to buy them and I forgot to factor in this when I was finishing up my project, which is just 6 days away from being completed, almost ... entirely, lol.

My God I hope I do not bloody start smoking again now after 18 months of being off cigarettes?! I am going to be moaned at by everyone if I do I know that much!

That is the idea of aid under the NHS where they have one set of rules while each and every GP Surgery have completely different sets of rules to each other!

Monkeys could run that organisation better!

Oddly I was in a store, remaining unnamed for now, yesterday where I was going to buy one of the last pieces of my current Project Zero but entered the store looking for something for a friend who runs a local business. It was in here that I saw this item and its not one I had ever considered in the past, as I will explain once I acquire it. But I saw it and looked at the box reading different things and it just seemed the sensible option, albeit expensive one. However it is of the utmost professional quality and something I had long thought I should buy. In all honesty despite all the other ones I have had they have not fared too well. Hmm now let me think ... how many have I actually owned? I think I have four here and have been through more than four others in the past. Despite the expense the next one I own will definitely outlive the others combined, which combined cost way more than the one I am going to purchase. In fact the item is rated as such and will tell you how long on the box!

Oh I just had a recorded delivery letter arrive from my last GP which once again bangs on about breach of trust between us though he is somewhat confused as to the direction of this breach of trust.

Let me explain one thing to you, as I know and knew you would keep looking on here. My very first appointment was with your father and he lied. My first appointment with you I requested, oddly enough, the very thing I have spoken of in this blog, nicotine gum. You told me it was NHS rules that cessation medicine only be given out for three months. Ergo you lied as the NHS, the lady who helped me quit and the GP previous to you stated I could have it as long as I needed it.

I think I have managed to point out here that I do!

I wont go into the whole Pregabalin thing or the omission of the knee problem or that fact that you breached that trust by failing to allow me to defend myself after yet another failed attempt by the NHS to stick labels on me because I know what they are doing with patients.

I also explained to you the conversations I had with Dr Huq and this is repeatedly documented here and what I find most interesting of all is that if your looking on here, Dr Kumar, then you would have also noted that I would not be returning to your surgery so the need to send me a recorded delivery letter is one that os ... interesting.
Why send a recorded delivery letter to a patient who made it clear in the appointment and is clearly on the recording that the chances of me returning were zero. I then explained this on this blog to my readers and anything I have mentioned on the last few blogs I have stated from the moment I was under your surgery.

There appears to be two sets of rules that reside on a scale whereby the level of acceptable behavior is vastly different from each other.

So do not bang on about breaches of trust and go and complain to the ones that caused the screw up in the first place! THE NHS! Oh no but you wont will you in fact I dar say that the percentage of GPs willing to stand up for what is decent and right against those that pay them is not really realistic is it?

Oh and I believe on the tape I asked you how you got the blog address and who told you and you answered "You did, Mr Haswell!" and sad I have to point out that this was a lie also. An example of the lengths that Doctors you are supposed to be able to trust will go to to protect both themselves and those that pay their salaries.

OOPS!!

So what was that you were stating about a breach of trust?

Not allowing my next repeat prescription to go through will not be forgotten either and if I suffer in anyway from this the repercussions will be equally felt as I am a strong believer in reciprocation even though most so called professionals I have met are not. Remembering that most pills prescribed to me are junk and not suitable to my conditions anyway but better a whole list of crap and cheap pills that can screw up your organs than just the one drug that works, eh?

Also bear in mind that this argument was over a drug that is not even the correct one!! Dropping the levels of available drugs given through the NHS will eventually end up with just fecking paracetamol being prescribed, except for ailments that are terminal and cannot be avoided.

What would be the point in General Practitioners then when the drugs on offer are more 'General' than the General Practitioners?

Hmm I have a craving for yet another cigarette?!

We have an old saying in London that my grandmother, killed by a wrong diagnosis by a GP, was always keen to utter, eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves.

You still have the problem that you made a bunch of decisions without even seeing my medical records that you laughably thought that 7 months was nothing out of the ordinary for the records to come through. Did you not stop and think for a single moment why? Or did you not stop and think that making any decisions would be rash until you had seen these records?

Had it not occurred to you that the NHS carried on with their campaign against me despite knowing about the blog because if I outwitted them once again they could just lay the blame at your door?

Too many people make decisions, often serious and with consequences, that are wrong because they could not be bothered to wait until they had enough information. Like you!

As for the NHS it was laughable how they handles this and the glaringly obvious deliberate errors made that stuck out like a sore thumb. My God, you must have thought me really stupid to not spot all of them?! You should have realised that I would have seen them coming and I have stated that enough times on this blog! Oh yeah I forgot, no one likes taking any time anymore to research anything or find out about someones background, even when its been sitting right in front of them on their computer for months on end!

I am going to have so much fun with that last statement over the next 6 months, really I am. The choice things that were stated to me in the last 4 or 5 years that I have yet to comment on and point out the deliberate mistakes and the reasons why they were uttered.

All in good time and yes I know I still have that wall of shame to post up here and not to sound too cliched I do have a little black book!