THE FORCED FIDDLE

Jesus!

This is .. difficult.

Not having the help I was promised, which I asked for because of my health problems, I am faced with having to do something which could have made things a lot easier .. had this been done many weeks ago when it should have happened.

I literally have trouble doing anything and for so many reasons.

I now have to try and sell my car .. which someone was supposed to do for me who has now, not only failed to do this in two or three months, but asked me to do this.

Yeah except I get into a panic and anxious mode at trying to do anything .. even locally.

Part of the problem was that I could not keep my car where I am and it resides several miles away from me.

I made mistakes when I purchased the car and then a whole host of mistakes after I purchased the car along with many others and one thing became clear ..

.. the NHS seriously let me down, caused me unnecessary pain and I went into a situation that I was neither ready nor fit for and have been paying for this ever since.

I really, really would like to get this car sold.

I had a friend want to buy it but they just kept joking about getting this £8,000 car, or was when I bought it, for £2,000. Yeah .. that did not help.

My daughter has even expressed her shock at how little help I have had since I arrived back in London and has suggested several times about me returning up there. But it was moving up there with my health condition, to help her and my grandchildren, that caused this in the first instance along with the NHS' failures.

You see I have had this problem for years and I did not know until very recently what this was. It might seem hard to believe but this problem was actually well known to my GP and to the NHS, though oddly this has also been ignored by a so-called court of law recently.

Now how this .. problem surfaced to the point when it was spotted by a GP was in the form of intense pain in my thighs. Originally this started out as a mere aching of both thighs now and then. After awhile when affected this would be strong enough to have me sitting on a sofa rubbing my thighs continuously. Eventually it was becoming more and more frequent to the point I would actually remember to bring it up with my GP. I do not recall how many visits to him I had where I brought it up before he said “I think you have a magnesium deficiency?”. I thought he was talking crap. He told me to buy vitamin pills that had magnesium in from Holland & Barrett called Vit ABC+. I still thought he was talking crap but I did it anyway as I was willing to give anything a try and by jove, it worked!

However I had been having other issues that was also linked to this long before the painful thighs started to bother me.

Some years ago now and this has happened several times over the years I got struck down with severe anxiety. With this came several things ..

• Did not want to go out
• Did not want to be around crowds
• Stopped eating long enough to rapidly lose weight
• Wanted to very literally die
• Confused at how uncomfortable and painful the human mind can be

I had been listed as suffering from depression long before the anxiety even started.

If you are not aware and have not seen previous posts ..

• Also suffer from a series of painful areas of the body
  • Worst part is feet
• Embarrassing skin conditions
• Embarrassing and painful tooth decay for years
• Progressively worse memory loss

I also have heartburn and a painful right knee along with other things, like Achilles Tendinitis.

In fact I went through a very large list of possible Fibromyalgia symptoms, of which I have long since been diagnosed but was met with .. resistance, I had experienced around 270 and foot pain and knee pain was not on that list!

It has been somewhat .. weird at times and I can tell you that in the last few months two family members have very literally felt like strangers to me and I cannot help but wonder as well as fear that this might be something to do with the memory thing?

So when I was asked to sell the car two of my symptoms went off straight away .. heart palpitations and anxiety.

But then a little while later I was feeling .. somewhat better and was rather surprised at this and set about trying to arrange something. That was yesterday and this morning? Nope .. back to the fucking anxiety and heart palpitations.

I did state to the person who had offered to help but now requesting I do all this that I will try and take some extra magnesium. As I have now discovered that the NHS had let me down for the umpteenth time and that the anxiety and half of my symptoms in total are caused by the low magnesium I figured .. no I had hoped that taking extra may alleviate things .. long enough for me to get this cursed task done and dusted?

Now the only problem with taking the magnesium is this ..

.. I had already been taking it for several years but in recent times had a suspicion which I wrongly ruled out that the magnesium was having a decreased effect.

As I have now taken four pills in the last 48 hours instead of the usual two and my thighs are currently aching I now realise I was wrong to dismiss this .. theory.

However .. when you try to explain to someone why you have difficulties and that it is dangerous what you get is “Oh I get that” with first off a tone that means this is nothing. That is despite the fact you have explained the mechanics and that you have proved it is dangerous. The second mistake in stupid statements like this is having the same symptom does not mean that the two are identical. Nor even does it prove that they are down to the same cause! Though I have now suggested that they take vitamin pills containing magnesium.

In fact what I did is text that they should keep an eye on this because with me it started off as just fluttering that was not a big deal. As I had so many things going on and visits to a GP led to nothing or comments that everything was down to my Fibromyalgia it just seemed a big waste of time speaking to a GP about anything. But I told them that eventually this fluttering started lasting a lot longer and became stronger to the point now where it literally feels like someone is punching my chest fro the inside out. That I have to stop now and then if I am out and hold my chest.

Will I hear the chink of a small coin hitting the deck? I doubt it.

Of course therein lies my other problem .. I have to drive my car to somewhere to sell it and .. I am not entirely sure now I am OK to drive, though it wont be far and I wont be speeding .. or even going above 20 miles per hour.

But then there is all the paperwork and shit .. and I have not been good with paperwork in recent times, if I am honest.

So yeah .. I have lost thousands of pounds along with being cheated out of thousands .. even tens of thousands of pounds. All because the NHS wanted to save a few quid!

In all honesty I have been kicking myself for not seeing a private Doctor. But in all honesty and after the NHS knew that I caught them out several times I did not believe for one second that they would fob me off or lie to me any longer. I guess the NHS and the government have everything, including the news media and courts, tied up a lot better than I had anticipated?!

I long to get this done and I also pray that if I get this done that I will feel a lot better after the job is completed? Because the way things are right now .. I cannot do anything and it is very, VERY frustrating.

It does not help at all that I cannot find anyone with a single ounce of understanding .. down here in London and the only one that does to any degree is my daughter. Who would love me to go back up there to the North-West.

Only therein lies even more problems because ..

• It will set off my anxiety
• My anxiety and health issues really, REALLY need to be sorted out before I could get back there!
• While I never want to be another burden on my daughter who has enough as it is
  • Cervical Cancer
  • Four children, one seriously Autistic though they have now done an about-face on that to save money .. does not stop the child biting, scratching and destroying household items and walls and shite
  • Same symptoms as me .. mostly so Fibromyalgia and possibly the Behcet's Syndrome they diagnosed but like the Autism have now contradicted themselves over?!

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

In the past it became extremely frustrating when I went to all the people that help with mental health and I was given crap about CBT and talking cures. I kept telling them this will not help .. I have no control over this. I am also one that was well known for will power and suddenly I had none and this was bizarre to me. But no matter how many GP's and mental health specialists both within the NHS and outside of it no one listened. They all knew better.

Now because of this arrogance from everyone I am in a living hell and I know not how to get out of it.

Everything seems like a fucking great big mountain I have to ascend and I have no energy, will power and lots and lots of issues. From the pains in my muscles, joints and teeth to the many skin problems and the mental health issues of severe anxiety to the overheating issues of my body and over-sweating.

The number of times I had read of women that have similar issues to me and discover that they are living somewhere and have an understandable and loving partner are numerous. Each time I have always been a little envious if I am totally honest.

It would appear that when your a man and you have these issues you are well and truly, royally fucking screwed. By everyone. Ignored and screwed.

Even when I cut my own wrists in a self-harming thing so that the stinging pain detracted from the mental pain I was surprised. I am a bit .. umm squeamish when it comes to things like that. I have never been able to watch scenes in films where someone commits suicide by cutting their own wrists. It would make me turn away and feel sick. Or turn the channel over, if it was on TV, for a few seconds before turning back hoping it was over.

So yeah .. I ended up doing this but .. I could never pluck up the courage to do this .. properly, so to speak. Still .. I have ended up doing this several times to my wrists alone. The top of my left arm too, which was the very first place.

But then .. there is a point when you notice that people .. well .. notice. That was a shocker and embarrassing moment for me and I never even considered this possibility or that it would be .. embarrassing. Go figure.

So now and on odd mornings I sit in the local park with a drink and a rare bite to eat .. normally a Wispa Chocolate Bar and a Taurine drink, Monster or Emerge. I watch the buses that circle the park loaded with people or watch the people that frequent the park. There is one guy on a motorised scooter that always seems to be there. I look and study the people in the park and watch the people sitting on their seats aboard the buses. I find myself wondering what they know of this country and this world and wonder of they are aware that should anything bad transpire they would just be cast aside like old tyres? That if their health should suffer they would be lied to, cheated and fobbed off while expected to carry on working no matter what adverse effects this may have on their health. I wonder as to those that do suffer with something but have jobs that do not cause them too much difficulties and I oh so envy these faceless people. I wonder what the reactions would be if that group of people riding the bus suddenly realised the realities that surround them? Would they shake in fear or scream in anger? Would they do that which most have done and simply disbelieve? Up until now a great many have chosen not to believe and for many different reasons, no doubt? But why would they do this? Why would they ignore the things that are seriously and morally wrong until such a time that it affects them? Maybe people are gamblers and gamble on the belief that it would never happen to them? Maybe at the time they feel as fit as a fiddle? That in feeling this way .. this .. good that it is impossible to imagine ever feeling as bad as someone like me?

Yeah. Each time I have gotten out of this anxiety slumber I genuinely though that each tie I survived it would never ever occur again. I was wrong. Right up until last June, 2017 and I really, REALLY thought that this would never happen to me again despite the number of times I have been like this in the past. I .. was .. WRONG.

Maybe people believe the many hack scientists that like to wax lyrical about what a miracle the human body is in documentaries? They are all wrong.

THE FOUR THINGS

Hmm ..

I have four things to achieve.

Well .. there are some other things to achieve to but mainly there are four things .. though technically one of those jobs is then down to someone else. Or more accurately turns over to the responsibility of someone else.

A very early story I ran on this blog now turns out not to be the case.

I ended up looking the fool over it and .. well it was something I did not expect. Nothing I can do about it and I was not there. I only relayed what I was told .. I simply was not anything like close enough to see things for myself.

I have thought long and hard about it and .. the whole thing I have seen as some sort of punishment and I think that continued on?

Yeesh .. for someone that loves to stick to the facts this was something that was well and truly wrong. It might seem easy for me to say that this was not a misleading story that I have concocted as I was not involved.

I also believe that something else was involved and it involved some rope where knots get tied?

Still that was then and this is now and it is time to move on.

To start with I have these four things .. and some questions.

Crap! I have been shown some things and it is later than I thought it was!

Almost as if on queue de to one or both changes .. my flu is losing its grip .. having just a lighter cough and not keeping me up all night. Well .. not last night .. or waking me up every twenty minutes or so.

Either that or I was being poisoned .. lol. Less stress .. better sleep, less exertion and maybe other things?

Two things that are quite unusual have happened in the last twenty four hours .. first off .. I noticed that a recent post of mine is rocketing. I really do mean rocketing and has grown faster than all posts around it by about 900%!

Secondly I received a comment on YouTube and .. someone noticed that my blood pressure readings were not good. Particularly mentioning my heart rate being fast .. well sometimes as it is all over the place in all honesty.

So someone noticed something important and showed some concern. Wow that was a first.

Secondly .. a post I published has just rocketed skywards .. first off when I noticed it posts around this particular one had attracted numbers of between 12 and around 30. But this one had attracted 798 visitors.

In fact right now with the posts immediately prior and post this particular blog, 'The Slow Death', the numbers now read '18, 960, 19'. Bizarre!

I simply do not know what it is. I have looked at the tags for this post, sorry 'labels', and I have no idea what it is that has caused so much attention to be drawn to that post?!

Maybe I was ill or completely out of it and it is being used across universities or schools on how not to write .. or just how not to write a blog post?! LMAO!

At the rate it has gone up, 200 in a few hours, it would not surprise me at this stage if the visitors had tipped over 1,000 by the time this post gets published?

To give some .. perspective .. I have searched back to find a post with three figures and I had to go all the way back to .. hmm .. to the 18^th October 2017. A little while after I contracted that dreaded Aussie Flu. Nearly three months ago. You have not herd the funniest part ..

I said it was three figures in the visitors but it is only 103! Three months and 103 visitors.

Eight days and now it is 961 visitors!

Except .. I have not posted this yet so could still tip over the 1,000 mark by the time I post this and .. well .. it is kind of posted on another site!

So a little period is over and from now on things will be kept strictly .. political and .. scientific ..w with maybe some other things thrown in.

I will also be working hard to .. return to something else I was dearly loving and enjoying while hoping I do not receive any bad news along the way.

I was sure that this would not be bad news but you never know. Was not going to be good news but was sure it would not be bad news. Well not the worst news.

I suppose that I could just drop dead before the return to doing what I love takes place? You never know hat life is going to throw at you at a moments notice.

..

Oh an overnight break there.

I should not be feeling anxiety but I still am.

I am currently staying elsewhere but I now seem to have lost other things .. too?! I have to relocate my car .. then re-register it and then sell it.

I currently am also nowhere near the GP I am registered with and I am getting these little lectures about what I should be doing .. which is no good because I have a list of things I have to try and keep track of. Unfortunately now that I am here people seem to have gone into sleep or slow mode .. like because I am here they need not have any concerns any more. Well to be honest I thought that but .. the mornings are bad still and I cannot find my Diazepam right now.

In fact I am being told to sort my things out which I have been doing and secondly .. am not here very long so .. seems to bit odd to sort out my things in any order and place them away in this area I have.

Sell the car, sell the car, sell the car. That will be a big headache out of the way.

Hear from or phone and get to the solicitors .. that is the second things I need to do.

What I cannot make someone understand is there not only needs to be an order to things and that I have a bad memory but that the anxiety makes things worse. Start telling me what I should be doing next, sorting things is not going to get my anything nor anywhere, and I will get more anxiety and so the memory will get worse and I may forget to do the important things.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I was OK but then I ended up talking to someone I have not spoken to in awhile and who was quiet. So I thought that was it and I would feel better .. but no!

I thought that being in this location I would feel better and I kind of do but not as good as I thought I would. It looks alien because it looks very busy here .. but I kind of suspected it would. But being away as long as I have it looks weird, well from within a car that is.

Oh Jesus .. it just seems never ending.

Oh and then there is the GP issue .. I never even thought about that one.

ANOTHER TIME OF DYING

I decided to type this out even though I did not feel like it.

I had toilet issues last night, did not get much sleep and woke up with stomach pains and ended up in the toilet .. again .. for an hour. I have to go to two hospital appointments today and try and get a hole of the Doctors Surgery.

I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn't. I have felt like .. well I feel like I am dying.

My chest is playing up, my anxiety is playing up .. like bloody hell and I feel rotten from still having this flu.

Normally I would not attend a GP Surgery or a hospital with the flu but .. this is killing me and has dogged me now for three months.

This just is not right.

So I am going to beg the hospital to help me .. because I really feel like I am at death's door .. I really thought my number was up a little earlier and I just wanted it to happen. It is so annoying when you get this low a feeling with as much discomfort and anxiety as this and your body just wont give up. Die in other words.

My heart is pounding through my chest which is odd because in my second appointment I am to have an ECG fitted for 24 hours.

I do not know what the first appointment is for but it will involve some begging.

I did also manage to get a hold of my GP Surgery, after screwing things up last week by not knowing what day it was as per usual.

When I did ring the surgery I was a bit confused, not familiar with their answering messages anyway not being here that long.

The Doctor is going to ring me today but I did warn them I was in the hospital at 2pm. I asked them to make a note of that .. hopefully they wont ring me when I am there and I miss the damned call .. making a second mistake inside of a week!

I am out of some of my pills, you see. Most importantly the Propranalol and Diazepam as despite some others stopping me from dying early .. the statins for my cholesterol and blood pressure pills .. it is the anxiety and absolute dread long with the chest pains, heart palpitations and the feeling if skipped heart beats that are primary to me right now.

I also do not feel safe enough to drive so I am going to walk to the hospital with my trusty stick. Unless something changes between now 9.47am and 1.15pm when I have to leave.

As I stated previously I seem to have had a third appointment made for me for the 4th or 5th January, cannot recall as usual, and not sure what that is about either.

It is a shame that one of my plans did not start to work .. it would have prevented these horrid feelings from taking place but then the same could be said of two public services, the NHS and DWP and now I am at the point where begging is going to be used.

I am praying that a working pill is provided that can deal with the stronger attacks .. but it may be that I need some sort of shock treatment on my heart, I think that is what someone mentioned?

cardioversion or catheter ablation, or surgery - British Heart Foundation

So those are the .. things mentioned though it did also state a pill too.

I am secretly hoping that the levels of anxiety are being caused by the irregular heartbeat and that any pill or procedure will cure it?

If they had found this, or indeed I had spotted it on my blood pressure monitor, they could have sorted this before I moved here. That could have saved me a whole heap of pain and suffering and allowed me to help more with those I came to help.

This .. bloody .. country.

Everything I have ever done seems to have outside things go wrong to screw things up i the worst possible way.

Even the IT market crash just as I got my Degree .. where I was living with a woman who had a history of beating up boyfriends who then continued that tradition with me. Only found out about her history AFTER I left her in Bristol and her sister, till on my Facebook today, told me about it after she told me she was shocked that I had left.

Oddly enough as i was explaining to my daughter .. that is when the Fibromyalgia I already had without being aware of it really kicked in.

A week after I returned to London my feet started to hurt .. well the right foot started to hurt as I was trying to get somewhere. This continued on and I started to ask Doctors about it. Different parts of my feet started to get affected and eventually the other foot become affected.

As it turned out and after 13 years of asking ad with more symptoms cropping up to add to the tally from time to time I self diagnosed it before having it confirmed at Guy's Hospital. Then as I read about the condition I realised I had been affected by it for around a decade before it affected my feet.

After a horrific event, cannot even remember what it was, the anxiety thing started up. This just kept returning over sometimes stupid things and sometimes without any reason at all.

I so want to plunge a knife deep into my chest it begs belief and I find that so strange .. how can one be suffering so bad that they feel like they want to do that?!

The only thing preventing me from doing that is the fact that I am not alone and am supposed to be helping others.

But the strangeness of my surrounding area along with the fact that I am well aware that my memory can have me confused is making things worse, I have no doubt.

I am even terrified of getting to the hospital on foot .. in case I get confused and .. lost! How stupid is that?!

While back in Enfield I even got confused with places that were familiar to me. Once I even ended up on the wrong side of town and thought "What am I doing here?! I should be several miles away!"

I used to learn areas so fast years go and I have been here previously, been here for three months and feel like I barely know anywhere.

My daughter bought me a diary as a Christmas present because eve she has noticed my bad memory and asks me days after I should have done something whether I have done it or not!

She has the same symptoms, that much I have noticed. But she is not as bad as me and of course she knows this area and grew up in it. But she still gets panic attacks over things .. like her domestic abuser talking like he is getting out of prison for instance.

DIFFICULT DAYS

I had another rough day.

Not helped by the last few days plus I had to go out in dreadful weather because of things I have consistently forgotten during the last week.

I still came home without things and had to visit my local store after a rest.

I was text by someone early in the day, someone I didn't really want to speak to buy them I didn't want to speak to anyone.

Someone who went on the explain to someone what I'm like when I'm like this which is bizarre because no one has been around me when I'm like this. It was also a bit worse than normal and thirdly they wanted to use it to prove to others that it's my fault when we disagree.

Funny because one of the things I complained about was that no one listened to me when it was my stuff and instead thought they knew better.

The funny part? Well that would be that these bad days were down to my condition and I was having a flare up but never seem to recognise these and no one had read anything abut my condition in the 18 months since I realised what it was.

So no one can actually claim to be in any position to make decisions or cast their opinions about what is ... err, up with me.

What I did recall while the day played through in some agony and frustration was that I was indeed having a flare up. The lumpy feeling under my arms and right feeling breastbone I had failed to pick up on for several days.

There was more realisation and I have already posted about this... err I think? I picked up my prescription because I thought I was heading out of town. Except one pill, Tramadol, was missing. I had to drop a note into my GP surgery yet again because something was missing and yet the Quinine sulphate was in the bag.

I had ran out of Tramadol, oddly enough, and I had a few days of really bad back pain added to the normal foot pain and fatigue. I had also had aching and stinging in my groin, the part the NHS lied about in an ultrasound test. Probably due to lack of Tramadol.

Then I overdid it while being confused as to how because I did not do much not venture far but knew by the time I got home. I then pushed myself to do the different jobs before laying down. This was a bigger draw them acquiring tobacco I had also ran out of or milk.

I had also forgotten to take my vitamin pill for magnesium I had to take as well as running out of quinine.

As I had now has several days of the roughest I had endured for awhile while missing a few pills was too much of a coincidence and it has hit home that they do in fact have an affect.

Plus I am pretty sure that yesterday morning I forgot to take all my pills and may have done this Friday morning too?

Yoinks!

I simply must remember to take them tonight and once again in the morning!

This is where the memory lapses in Fibrofog can work against you and Fibromyalgia compounded by living on your own. Well when you have it and live on your own that is? Lol!

I had also read somewhere on the Internet that in some study they had found that Fibromyalgia sufferers lost grey matter. Umm yup, that grey matter!

I found this confusing as I am sure in my own case that if anything the opposite was true? I have out down the scrambling of signals to an increase in brain activity that has allowed me to hold onto so much information about so many different subjects and take on everyone that I have on this blog.

Maybe if the years were correct that just like the amplifying and reduction in brain signals that it can work both ways with grey matter too?

Something they could have found out from me had they bothered to study me at any point and ask the right questions. Something I have thought for many years even before I discovered what it was that ails me.

Boy I hope I sleep tonight and feel back to normal tomorrow?

I will take time out to go on a bus ride somewhere, not sure where must yet. Somewhere, perhaps with my camera? Oh, weather permitting of course. I will wager that the weather will put paid to that plan?

Lol!