THE FORCED FIDDLE

Jesus!

This is .. difficult.

Not having the help I was promised, which I asked for because of my health problems, I am faced with having to do something which could have made things a lot easier .. had this been done many weeks ago when it should have happened.

I literally have trouble doing anything and for so many reasons.

I now have to try and sell my car .. which someone was supposed to do for me who has now, not only failed to do this in two or three months, but asked me to do this.

Yeah except I get into a panic and anxious mode at trying to do anything .. even locally.

Part of the problem was that I could not keep my car where I am and it resides several miles away from me.

I made mistakes when I purchased the car and then a whole host of mistakes after I purchased the car along with many others and one thing became clear ..

.. the NHS seriously let me down, caused me unnecessary pain and I went into a situation that I was neither ready nor fit for and have been paying for this ever since.

I really, really would like to get this car sold.

I had a friend want to buy it but they just kept joking about getting this £8,000 car, or was when I bought it, for £2,000. Yeah .. that did not help.

My daughter has even expressed her shock at how little help I have had since I arrived back in London and has suggested several times about me returning up there. But it was moving up there with my health condition, to help her and my grandchildren, that caused this in the first instance along with the NHS' failures.

You see I have had this problem for years and I did not know until very recently what this was. It might seem hard to believe but this problem was actually well known to my GP and to the NHS, though oddly this has also been ignored by a so-called court of law recently.

Now how this .. problem surfaced to the point when it was spotted by a GP was in the form of intense pain in my thighs. Originally this started out as a mere aching of both thighs now and then. After awhile when affected this would be strong enough to have me sitting on a sofa rubbing my thighs continuously. Eventually it was becoming more and more frequent to the point I would actually remember to bring it up with my GP. I do not recall how many visits to him I had where I brought it up before he said “I think you have a magnesium deficiency?”. I thought he was talking crap. He told me to buy vitamin pills that had magnesium in from Holland & Barrett called Vit ABC+. I still thought he was talking crap but I did it anyway as I was willing to give anything a try and by jove, it worked!

However I had been having other issues that was also linked to this long before the painful thighs started to bother me.

Some years ago now and this has happened several times over the years I got struck down with severe anxiety. With this came several things ..

• Did not want to go out
• Did not want to be around crowds
• Stopped eating long enough to rapidly lose weight
• Wanted to very literally die
• Confused at how uncomfortable and painful the human mind can be

I had been listed as suffering from depression long before the anxiety even started.

If you are not aware and have not seen previous posts ..

• Also suffer from a series of painful areas of the body
  • Worst part is feet
• Embarrassing skin conditions
• Embarrassing and painful tooth decay for years
• Progressively worse memory loss

I also have heartburn and a painful right knee along with other things, like Achilles Tendinitis.

In fact I went through a very large list of possible Fibromyalgia symptoms, of which I have long since been diagnosed but was met with .. resistance, I had experienced around 270 and foot pain and knee pain was not on that list!

It has been somewhat .. weird at times and I can tell you that in the last few months two family members have very literally felt like strangers to me and I cannot help but wonder as well as fear that this might be something to do with the memory thing?

So when I was asked to sell the car two of my symptoms went off straight away .. heart palpitations and anxiety.

But then a little while later I was feeling .. somewhat better and was rather surprised at this and set about trying to arrange something. That was yesterday and this morning? Nope .. back to the fucking anxiety and heart palpitations.

I did state to the person who had offered to help but now requesting I do all this that I will try and take some extra magnesium. As I have now discovered that the NHS had let me down for the umpteenth time and that the anxiety and half of my symptoms in total are caused by the low magnesium I figured .. no I had hoped that taking extra may alleviate things .. long enough for me to get this cursed task done and dusted?

Now the only problem with taking the magnesium is this ..

.. I had already been taking it for several years but in recent times had a suspicion which I wrongly ruled out that the magnesium was having a decreased effect.

As I have now taken four pills in the last 48 hours instead of the usual two and my thighs are currently aching I now realise I was wrong to dismiss this .. theory.

However .. when you try to explain to someone why you have difficulties and that it is dangerous what you get is “Oh I get that” with first off a tone that means this is nothing. That is despite the fact you have explained the mechanics and that you have proved it is dangerous. The second mistake in stupid statements like this is having the same symptom does not mean that the two are identical. Nor even does it prove that they are down to the same cause! Though I have now suggested that they take vitamin pills containing magnesium.

In fact what I did is text that they should keep an eye on this because with me it started off as just fluttering that was not a big deal. As I had so many things going on and visits to a GP led to nothing or comments that everything was down to my Fibromyalgia it just seemed a big waste of time speaking to a GP about anything. But I told them that eventually this fluttering started lasting a lot longer and became stronger to the point now where it literally feels like someone is punching my chest fro the inside out. That I have to stop now and then if I am out and hold my chest.

Will I hear the chink of a small coin hitting the deck? I doubt it.

Of course therein lies my other problem .. I have to drive my car to somewhere to sell it and .. I am not entirely sure now I am OK to drive, though it wont be far and I wont be speeding .. or even going above 20 miles per hour.

But then there is all the paperwork and shit .. and I have not been good with paperwork in recent times, if I am honest.

So yeah .. I have lost thousands of pounds along with being cheated out of thousands .. even tens of thousands of pounds. All because the NHS wanted to save a few quid!

In all honesty I have been kicking myself for not seeing a private Doctor. But in all honesty and after the NHS knew that I caught them out several times I did not believe for one second that they would fob me off or lie to me any longer. I guess the NHS and the government have everything, including the news media and courts, tied up a lot better than I had anticipated?!

I long to get this done and I also pray that if I get this done that I will feel a lot better after the job is completed? Because the way things are right now .. I cannot do anything and it is very, VERY frustrating.

It does not help at all that I cannot find anyone with a single ounce of understanding .. down here in London and the only one that does to any degree is my daughter. Who would love me to go back up there to the North-West.

Only therein lies even more problems because ..

• It will set off my anxiety
• My anxiety and health issues really, REALLY need to be sorted out before I could get back there!
• While I never want to be another burden on my daughter who has enough as it is
  • Cervical Cancer
  • Four children, one seriously Autistic though they have now done an about-face on that to save money .. does not stop the child biting, scratching and destroying household items and walls and shite
  • Same symptoms as me .. mostly so Fibromyalgia and possibly the Behcet's Syndrome they diagnosed but like the Autism have now contradicted themselves over?!

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

In the past it became extremely frustrating when I went to all the people that help with mental health and I was given crap about CBT and talking cures. I kept telling them this will not help .. I have no control over this. I am also one that was well known for will power and suddenly I had none and this was bizarre to me. But no matter how many GP's and mental health specialists both within the NHS and outside of it no one listened. They all knew better.

Now because of this arrogance from everyone I am in a living hell and I know not how to get out of it.

Everything seems like a fucking great big mountain I have to ascend and I have no energy, will power and lots and lots of issues. From the pains in my muscles, joints and teeth to the many skin problems and the mental health issues of severe anxiety to the overheating issues of my body and over-sweating.

The number of times I had read of women that have similar issues to me and discover that they are living somewhere and have an understandable and loving partner are numerous. Each time I have always been a little envious if I am totally honest.

It would appear that when your a man and you have these issues you are well and truly, royally fucking screwed. By everyone. Ignored and screwed.

Even when I cut my own wrists in a self-harming thing so that the stinging pain detracted from the mental pain I was surprised. I am a bit .. umm squeamish when it comes to things like that. I have never been able to watch scenes in films where someone commits suicide by cutting their own wrists. It would make me turn away and feel sick. Or turn the channel over, if it was on TV, for a few seconds before turning back hoping it was over.

So yeah .. I ended up doing this but .. I could never pluck up the courage to do this .. properly, so to speak. Still .. I have ended up doing this several times to my wrists alone. The top of my left arm too, which was the very first place.

But then .. there is a point when you notice that people .. well .. notice. That was a shocker and embarrassing moment for me and I never even considered this possibility or that it would be .. embarrassing. Go figure.

So now and on odd mornings I sit in the local park with a drink and a rare bite to eat .. normally a Wispa Chocolate Bar and a Taurine drink, Monster or Emerge. I watch the buses that circle the park loaded with people or watch the people that frequent the park. There is one guy on a motorised scooter that always seems to be there. I look and study the people in the park and watch the people sitting on their seats aboard the buses. I find myself wondering what they know of this country and this world and wonder of they are aware that should anything bad transpire they would just be cast aside like old tyres? That if their health should suffer they would be lied to, cheated and fobbed off while expected to carry on working no matter what adverse effects this may have on their health. I wonder as to those that do suffer with something but have jobs that do not cause them too much difficulties and I oh so envy these faceless people. I wonder what the reactions would be if that group of people riding the bus suddenly realised the realities that surround them? Would they shake in fear or scream in anger? Would they do that which most have done and simply disbelieve? Up until now a great many have chosen not to believe and for many different reasons, no doubt? But why would they do this? Why would they ignore the things that are seriously and morally wrong until such a time that it affects them? Maybe people are gamblers and gamble on the belief that it would never happen to them? Maybe at the time they feel as fit as a fiddle? That in feeling this way .. this .. good that it is impossible to imagine ever feeling as bad as someone like me?

Yeah. Each time I have gotten out of this anxiety slumber I genuinely though that each tie I survived it would never ever occur again. I was wrong. Right up until last June, 2017 and I really, REALLY thought that this would never happen to me again despite the number of times I have been like this in the past. I .. was .. WRONG.

Maybe people believe the many hack scientists that like to wax lyrical about what a miracle the human body is in documentaries? They are all wrong.