THE BAD NEWS

I am not going to get through this.

I have sent of two dozen emails for help but I am not getting any help back other than people sending me elsewhere or one stating I need a caseworker.

Added to this .. if I even get to post this .. my room has been cleared and .. I am now told that the upheaval will last three weeks?! Oh .. my .. God!

It is difficult trying to get back to normal when your like this at the best of time. But these guys suddenly deciding they are going to do this work .. three months earlier than I was originally told has not come at the best time. The worst time possible, in fact. Almost as if it is by design as I am not supposed to be here?!

Oh Jesus .. that raised my anxiety levels somewhat.

I am not sure I am going to get through this but then I do not really want to at any rate .. but I do not really want to make .. a mess, so to speak.

I have cut myself off for several days but seems I did not need to. Several people are now not calling me and it is probably for the best, though one did call earlier but it was pleasingly .. brief.

Now considering I have pains that class me as disabled and ..

Mental Health issues that also class me as disabled ..

..it is something of a shock that this has happened and not just to me.

Thus far I have contacted ..

• Samaritans
• Maytree Centre          Nice as ever but changed their minds about me staying there for four nights .. due to pain of                                     coming back here
• The Listening             Place Suggested by Maytree but in Pimlico .. too far and only a talking cure place
• Rethink                      Still waiting to see what they say
• Shelter
• Homeless Link          Have their sympathies but cannot help .. suggested CAB links
• SHP                           In discussions
• Sanctuary Housing    Supported Living .. claim but in Humberside!
• One Housing             In discussions

Others I am waiting on ..

• Civil Legal Advice
• RHCT Legal              Was a mistake .. CLA above led me to a map of solicitors
• Mind Again!
• Emmaus                     Barnet branch which seemed possibly perfect due to close vicinity of .. nature and wildlife ..                                     as my photography is the only thing that keeps me going!
• Hestia
• Look Ahead
• OT-CS                        Do not remember who they are, not clear in sent email
• Paradise Independent Living - Cannot recall who they are

There are all in London .. well apart from one in Humberside. If these have branches near you and you are looking for help then maybe one of these can help you?

Added to my issues seems to be a fear of being .. outside which I think I felt previously but did not link it to being .. well .. outside. I was in a park one hundred yards away for 90 minutes. Somewhere I spent many years as a child and it felt .. scary.

I seem to have the same issue with .. people. Think I have had this while too but put it down to the usual symptoms just affecting this.

Or in other words when I think about it .. if the streets were deserted or I lived in the middle of nowhere in a cottage, say, going outside would not nearly be so bad. This problem with outside and people only occurs when my symptoms .. flare up really badly and the anxiety sets in deep.

Desire to not live any longer and the anxiety, from where that mainly stems, persists as I thought it would. It does tend to last and last when it becomes .. deep seated and it is scary and I fear it will last months and for a number of reasons, some only recently discovered, I wont last that long. In fact I would not want to last that long! Not like this at any rate and not with a number of other fuck overs the public services are going to do to me and others that I know.

I'm going to lose electricity, would you believe. I am not sure how often how the longevity in each case. So if I am feeling better enough to post something I will hope that it will be in periods when I have power. I somehow doubt it, mind you.

So I on this .. long path .. because there are many benefits from it along the way to the end goal.

Once again .. this has been forced upon me by two public services and the different benefits are down to each of these two public services. I have kind of been forced, left with no choice and .. came naturally anyway. Still is.

Some of my symptoms will .. lessen due to this path.

Only .. some others .. or accidents might come about because of this way of doing things. I should read up on Ghandi?

Edit: I am even having trouble following stories in TV programs and I only watch the ones I like or find interesting!