THE FORCED FIDDLE

Jesus!

This is .. difficult.

Not having the help I was promised, which I asked for because of my health problems, I am faced with having to do something which could have made things a lot easier .. had this been done many weeks ago when it should have happened.

I literally have trouble doing anything and for so many reasons.

I now have to try and sell my car .. which someone was supposed to do for me who has now, not only failed to do this in two or three months, but asked me to do this.

Yeah except I get into a panic and anxious mode at trying to do anything .. even locally.

Part of the problem was that I could not keep my car where I am and it resides several miles away from me.

I made mistakes when I purchased the car and then a whole host of mistakes after I purchased the car along with many others and one thing became clear ..

.. the NHS seriously let me down, caused me unnecessary pain and I went into a situation that I was neither ready nor fit for and have been paying for this ever since.

I really, really would like to get this car sold.

I had a friend want to buy it but they just kept joking about getting this £8,000 car, or was when I bought it, for £2,000. Yeah .. that did not help.

My daughter has even expressed her shock at how little help I have had since I arrived back in London and has suggested several times about me returning up there. But it was moving up there with my health condition, to help her and my grandchildren, that caused this in the first instance along with the NHS' failures.

You see I have had this problem for years and I did not know until very recently what this was. It might seem hard to believe but this problem was actually well known to my GP and to the NHS, though oddly this has also been ignored by a so-called court of law recently.

Now how this .. problem surfaced to the point when it was spotted by a GP was in the form of intense pain in my thighs. Originally this started out as a mere aching of both thighs now and then. After awhile when affected this would be strong enough to have me sitting on a sofa rubbing my thighs continuously. Eventually it was becoming more and more frequent to the point I would actually remember to bring it up with my GP. I do not recall how many visits to him I had where I brought it up before he said “I think you have a magnesium deficiency?”. I thought he was talking crap. He told me to buy vitamin pills that had magnesium in from Holland & Barrett called Vit ABC+. I still thought he was talking crap but I did it anyway as I was willing to give anything a try and by jove, it worked!

However I had been having other issues that was also linked to this long before the painful thighs started to bother me.

Some years ago now and this has happened several times over the years I got struck down with severe anxiety. With this came several things ..

• Did not want to go out
• Did not want to be around crowds
• Stopped eating long enough to rapidly lose weight
• Wanted to very literally die
• Confused at how uncomfortable and painful the human mind can be

I had been listed as suffering from depression long before the anxiety even started.

If you are not aware and have not seen previous posts ..

• Also suffer from a series of painful areas of the body
  • Worst part is feet
• Embarrassing skin conditions
• Embarrassing and painful tooth decay for years
• Progressively worse memory loss

I also have heartburn and a painful right knee along with other things, like Achilles Tendinitis.

In fact I went through a very large list of possible Fibromyalgia symptoms, of which I have long since been diagnosed but was met with .. resistance, I had experienced around 270 and foot pain and knee pain was not on that list!

It has been somewhat .. weird at times and I can tell you that in the last few months two family members have very literally felt like strangers to me and I cannot help but wonder as well as fear that this might be something to do with the memory thing?

So when I was asked to sell the car two of my symptoms went off straight away .. heart palpitations and anxiety.

But then a little while later I was feeling .. somewhat better and was rather surprised at this and set about trying to arrange something. That was yesterday and this morning? Nope .. back to the fucking anxiety and heart palpitations.

I did state to the person who had offered to help but now requesting I do all this that I will try and take some extra magnesium. As I have now discovered that the NHS had let me down for the umpteenth time and that the anxiety and half of my symptoms in total are caused by the low magnesium I figured .. no I had hoped that taking extra may alleviate things .. long enough for me to get this cursed task done and dusted?

Now the only problem with taking the magnesium is this ..

.. I had already been taking it for several years but in recent times had a suspicion which I wrongly ruled out that the magnesium was having a decreased effect.

As I have now taken four pills in the last 48 hours instead of the usual two and my thighs are currently aching I now realise I was wrong to dismiss this .. theory.

However .. when you try to explain to someone why you have difficulties and that it is dangerous what you get is “Oh I get that” with first off a tone that means this is nothing. That is despite the fact you have explained the mechanics and that you have proved it is dangerous. The second mistake in stupid statements like this is having the same symptom does not mean that the two are identical. Nor even does it prove that they are down to the same cause! Though I have now suggested that they take vitamin pills containing magnesium.

In fact what I did is text that they should keep an eye on this because with me it started off as just fluttering that was not a big deal. As I had so many things going on and visits to a GP led to nothing or comments that everything was down to my Fibromyalgia it just seemed a big waste of time speaking to a GP about anything. But I told them that eventually this fluttering started lasting a lot longer and became stronger to the point now where it literally feels like someone is punching my chest fro the inside out. That I have to stop now and then if I am out and hold my chest.

Will I hear the chink of a small coin hitting the deck? I doubt it.

Of course therein lies my other problem .. I have to drive my car to somewhere to sell it and .. I am not entirely sure now I am OK to drive, though it wont be far and I wont be speeding .. or even going above 20 miles per hour.

But then there is all the paperwork and shit .. and I have not been good with paperwork in recent times, if I am honest.

So yeah .. I have lost thousands of pounds along with being cheated out of thousands .. even tens of thousands of pounds. All because the NHS wanted to save a few quid!

In all honesty I have been kicking myself for not seeing a private Doctor. But in all honesty and after the NHS knew that I caught them out several times I did not believe for one second that they would fob me off or lie to me any longer. I guess the NHS and the government have everything, including the news media and courts, tied up a lot better than I had anticipated?!

I long to get this done and I also pray that if I get this done that I will feel a lot better after the job is completed? Because the way things are right now .. I cannot do anything and it is very, VERY frustrating.

It does not help at all that I cannot find anyone with a single ounce of understanding .. down here in London and the only one that does to any degree is my daughter. Who would love me to go back up there to the North-West.

Only therein lies even more problems because ..

• It will set off my anxiety
• My anxiety and health issues really, REALLY need to be sorted out before I could get back there!
• While I never want to be another burden on my daughter who has enough as it is
  • Cervical Cancer
  • Four children, one seriously Autistic though they have now done an about-face on that to save money .. does not stop the child biting, scratching and destroying household items and walls and shite
  • Same symptoms as me .. mostly so Fibromyalgia and possibly the Behcet's Syndrome they diagnosed but like the Autism have now contradicted themselves over?!

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

In the past it became extremely frustrating when I went to all the people that help with mental health and I was given crap about CBT and talking cures. I kept telling them this will not help .. I have no control over this. I am also one that was well known for will power and suddenly I had none and this was bizarre to me. But no matter how many GP's and mental health specialists both within the NHS and outside of it no one listened. They all knew better.

Now because of this arrogance from everyone I am in a living hell and I know not how to get out of it.

Everything seems like a fucking great big mountain I have to ascend and I have no energy, will power and lots and lots of issues. From the pains in my muscles, joints and teeth to the many skin problems and the mental health issues of severe anxiety to the overheating issues of my body and over-sweating.

The number of times I had read of women that have similar issues to me and discover that they are living somewhere and have an understandable and loving partner are numerous. Each time I have always been a little envious if I am totally honest.

It would appear that when your a man and you have these issues you are well and truly, royally fucking screwed. By everyone. Ignored and screwed.

Even when I cut my own wrists in a self-harming thing so that the stinging pain detracted from the mental pain I was surprised. I am a bit .. umm squeamish when it comes to things like that. I have never been able to watch scenes in films where someone commits suicide by cutting their own wrists. It would make me turn away and feel sick. Or turn the channel over, if it was on TV, for a few seconds before turning back hoping it was over.

So yeah .. I ended up doing this but .. I could never pluck up the courage to do this .. properly, so to speak. Still .. I have ended up doing this several times to my wrists alone. The top of my left arm too, which was the very first place.

But then .. there is a point when you notice that people .. well .. notice. That was a shocker and embarrassing moment for me and I never even considered this possibility or that it would be .. embarrassing. Go figure.

So now and on odd mornings I sit in the local park with a drink and a rare bite to eat .. normally a Wispa Chocolate Bar and a Taurine drink, Monster or Emerge. I watch the buses that circle the park loaded with people or watch the people that frequent the park. There is one guy on a motorised scooter that always seems to be there. I look and study the people in the park and watch the people sitting on their seats aboard the buses. I find myself wondering what they know of this country and this world and wonder of they are aware that should anything bad transpire they would just be cast aside like old tyres? That if their health should suffer they would be lied to, cheated and fobbed off while expected to carry on working no matter what adverse effects this may have on their health. I wonder as to those that do suffer with something but have jobs that do not cause them too much difficulties and I oh so envy these faceless people. I wonder what the reactions would be if that group of people riding the bus suddenly realised the realities that surround them? Would they shake in fear or scream in anger? Would they do that which most have done and simply disbelieve? Up until now a great many have chosen not to believe and for many different reasons, no doubt? But why would they do this? Why would they ignore the things that are seriously and morally wrong until such a time that it affects them? Maybe people are gamblers and gamble on the belief that it would never happen to them? Maybe at the time they feel as fit as a fiddle? That in feeling this way .. this .. good that it is impossible to imagine ever feeling as bad as someone like me?

Yeah. Each time I have gotten out of this anxiety slumber I genuinely though that each tie I survived it would never ever occur again. I was wrong. Right up until last June, 2017 and I really, REALLY thought that this would never happen to me again despite the number of times I have been like this in the past. I .. was .. WRONG.

Maybe people believe the many hack scientists that like to wax lyrical about what a miracle the human body is in documentaries? They are all wrong.

THE INTERMISSIONS

It is a .. strange, strange time for me.

I have been buying things that have all been planned and agreed upon with several people .. official people .. so to speak.

Only .. right in the middle of all this and with an extremely large upheaval of my personal life mere weeks away and a trip away for a time being only days away .. something has changed.

Someone .. or I should say one of the agreed parties has thrown a spanner in the works!

This is an organisation that anyone with a brain dies not trust and they have .. changed their stance somewhat and this will be .. eye opening to many. I cannot say much more about it right now because even this is in flux.

Now I will tell you this ..

In the space of thirty minutes I had two separate people speak to me. One was face to face and the other was over the phone. Yup .. within ten minutes or so of speaking to one person a different one calls me on the phone.

I will also tell you this ..

The one that I spoke to face to face lied to me.

The one that I spoke to on the phone also lied to me.

I am also going to be self-employed from the 1^st September and that is only a few weeks away.

I also have to go away and that is mere days away.

I have a mountain of things to buy and a mountain of things to do.

Now this would otherwise be a nightmare because of the health conditions I have but as far as the pain is concerned this has gotten a lot easier.

As far as the getting too hot is concerned this has gotten a lot easier and it has cooled down at night due to it being late in the year so that has become easier.

This is because I have now owned a car for the last week or so.

Unfortunately it does not help with my memory problems. Nor any one of the other dozens of things it causes. Luckily most are not constant. Thank the stars for that.

Plus I am having some .. psychological issues over everything I have to do .. kind of a mental block combined with .. a little trepidation, or nervous. It does not make sense and I do not know why this is but then the brain is a much complex thing. Plus my Fibromyalgia seems to mess with it as it does so many others.

Yeah so what is going to make things worse for an organisation well reported to lie and cheat is thee fact that I suffer from a registered disability. On top of that is my right knee issue and along with the pain and memory issues there is also the high blood pressure issue.

I was not even sure I was OK to drive again but when I last asked my GP he said it was OK. But then as I know that the NHS have tried to lie on patients medical notes and certainly have mine so surely have others .. this answer might just be part of that?

This is something I did not consider in the past and every now and then I have wondered how many people have had car accident because of health conditions that the NHS have lied about? It must be a significant number and I dread to think it I could be really big.

Also a wrong readout on the car's computer did not seem to be much initially but then I went and read something on a forum about one owner of my Land Rover having to change an engine because of ignoring this warning?! Did not make sense and no one backed it up because it is to do with the coolant level. I went and bought coolant because I naturally thought it was low due to the computer warning. Opened the bonnet and I was surprised to discover it was full. No problem then. Faulty sensor that can get fixed when I service the car next. Then I read this owner writing that he lost an engine because of it and I did think maybe it did get low and he did not watch the engines temperature gauge?

Then I read something in the same forum about some kind of ball being inside the top up bottle, tank, and someone said something about it sometimes blocking a pipe. That .. would bee problematic! But even so if a blockage occurred it would raise the engine temperature! It is an engine coolant system, nothing rocket sciencey about it. Water goes round, if it does not then things get hot. Lol.

Still .. as I have not driven for a very long time it did get me worried about both breaking down and buying a new engine!

I came into some money .. I did not win the jackpot n the lottery and the money is not endless. It would not buy me a house anywhere, nor a flat in case your wondering. Not even far, far away from London. Unfortunately. Or I would have done that!

Being homeless is my biggest fear and I have had this fear six or seven times in my life and people with Fibromyalgia feeling fear? Or at least some of them? It is not good and is most certainly not nice, trust me on that. Look up 'Rubber Legs Syndrome' and a detailed explanation on that and how it comes about will make many realise how effing horrid it is. That is just one .. thing out of dozens.

So I am awaiting emails to find out how much it would cost, how long it would take and if I can ge it done before I go away.

Since being asked to go to a certain building TWICE in a week .. I have had two days of deliveries turning up and have a third on Tuesday.

I am also out practising and familiarising myself with the tools I have had delivered, see below.

So this is what I have now acquired since the car was purchased ..

• Sony A99 II DSLT Camera
• Sony G Master 70-200mm f2.8 Lens
• LowePro Toploader Holster
• LowePro Whistler Backpack
• Carbon Fibre Tripod (instead of the usual expensive ones I went for Amazon one at £75)
• Benro GH2 Gimbal Head (Basically a swing like contraption goes on tripod)

That is not quite all and all I can think of right now.

That also only includes one, damned heavy, lens. You cannot do everything with one lens even if you specifically only photograph in one subject area. Most people have more than two lenses and professionals normally have dozens. Though dozens are not needed but at least five are .. though two of these are out of reach. At least for now and the immediate future because the combined total of just these two is £17,500! Yeah .. I know. Lol. Unfortunately there are cheaper alternatives but these have recently been discontinued and I only found out last night. You also cannot buy them in the UK, at least not for my cameras mount design. Though a very top store in New York was selling them, B&H Photo, but last night only had used ones and suddenly the discontinued notice was up I had never seen before. Bah humbug!

The combined cost of the two lenses new? Knock £10,000 off the combined total of the two Sony lenses above and you would get both! Those above are the Sony G Master 300mm f2.8 and the Sony G Master 500mm f4. The other company is Sigma, same focal lengths and apertures and looks like same objective lens size too. They look almost identical .. except the Sonys are white and the Sigmas are black.

I also had not considered all the other things too and I have had to buy two very large SanDisk memory cards as well as a lot of cleaning tools, like for sensor cleaning as well as lens cleaning. I would not want to buy anything cheap in the way of cleaning stuff with stuff this expensive. Even so I did not expect the little bottles holding 8ml of fluid to cost between £20 and £40 when you get cheap crap for a couple of quid on Amazon. Again .. you do not take the chances.

This also does not include the fact that I have to buy new computing gear too and I need to build a new PC and I will need a laptop.

This will need to be able to deal with photo editing on very large files, the cameras is 42 Mega Pixels, as well as 4K video. These things take as much power as you can throw at them, especially video editing and especially so in 4K resolutions.

I have not oredered a single thing yet for the PC build because .. well .. I also have to move house and this was also all part of the plan. A plan that I was completely open with to all people.

Except one organisation who had been nagging me for months have now gone and thrown this spanner in the works. Right in the middle of everything and they have lied twice already. In two ten minute conversations.

Everyone told me to lie to them, even a right wing guy that curiously does not agree with having a welfare system! I did not want to do that. Except .. well .. I would tell by the body language that they already knew anyway. Or at least it had been flagged.

I spoke to thee right wing guy saying that they had already been told, I had forgotten about them myself. This was because they already knew! He said, yawn .. once again second guessing wrongly but insisting upon his views, that I must hav told them or they found out from this blog. Umm .. I never said anything about receiving anything on my blog and .. well like I told him dozens of times, they already effing KNEW! I had been on a course to start my own business. REMEMBER! Lol.

Also if you recall I also applied for a loan with Newable through this NEA course thing which I was turned down for? Yeah that was for £25,000 that I intended to pay back within a month or two .. exccpt they turned me down and so starting my own business and gong self-employed got delayed once again.

The funny thing is I only started it because of two things .. one was they were unfairly pressurising me at the Job Centre under Job Seekers Allowance they WRONGLY forced me onto and I was not getting anywhere looking for a job 35 hours a week. Yeah .. do not lose your job because they insist that you carry on doing a full time job looking for another full time job. You have to put the things you have done on their website using an account. Nothing wrong with that, per se, but .. you have to put loads of things .. more than the number of jobs for what you want to do you can possibly find advertised. You better believe it.

No they do not want to HELP you get a job .. they just want to stand behind you with something that ends up feeling more or less like the proverbial whip! I kid you not.

I was on Universal Credit, again WRONGLY, for 5 weeks or so before being transferred over to JSA and within two weeks they were pressurising me about starting my own business. As soon as they realised just how many areas I am knowledgable in. Plus I would like to try my hand at some manufacturing too. More tools and these were included in my plans as a completely different facet to everything else.

• Blogging on a dozen subjects (could add more)
• Photography
• YouTube
• Manufacturing .. Cases

There might be others but the camera gear would help with most, if not all, the blogs and the YouTube channel.

Oh .. did I mention that I only received half the money I was supposed to because someone stole over £300,000 of the estate and that their siblings and mine want me to be the one to take them to court?

Remember that even without the pains and psychological stuff I do have those short term memory issues and as you can see I have a mountain of things that I have to do!

But the spanner throwers do not give a shit .. government basically and government doing as government does. Fucking people over. Jesus what a shit country this has become and it is getting worse. I am still receiving messages that the UK is going to collapse any day now. Still waiting. Lol.

However .. there is a very important question I have to ask if they decide to put any force on turning the spanner. They had better think about their answers very, very carefully. Because to different answers simply wont qualify. In act it will look so bad .. I would not want too be them!

Why do these public services lie and cheat? Do they not know they they always get found out in the end? Even if the government try and tie up the news media it often grows so huge that the news media cannot ignore it any longer. Because if they do it will look obvious .. though most people with even half a brain have long since realised that the mainstream media either lie or are ignoring stories at the request of certain .. parties.

Ooh .. I just remembered I am supposed to talk to an SEO company about my blogging?! Damn it!

LMAO!

Now what else could I have forgotten?!

Videos of my new arrivals ..

THE END OF ROUND ONE

Ooh boy .. have things been bloody strange the last few days!

After a very long pause and a very high premium on things .. I am uber mobile once again and I am just re-familiarising myself with driving once again.

In case you missed it .. I purchased a Land Rover Discovery.

Now there is one vry main reason that I bought this car and that was for its off-road capabilities but there were a few other reasons. I had always wanted a Land Rover and think Range Rovers just too big and Freelanders too small. Also the latter are more problematic. In fact with Land Rovers it works out a little weird as the smaller they get the more unreliable they get. At least that is how it used to be.

I used to work for them, or rather Stratstone of Mayfair to be precise.

Also a very weird thing happened the other day .. I was heading for Broxbourne Woods to take some photos and shoot some video. My GPS took me to Bencroft Wood, I think it was called, and I thought I could walk to Broxbourne Woods from there but no.

On returning to the car I heard someone shout “What are you here for?!” and as I turned to explain what it is that I do a familiar face was smiling at me. Someone who is an 'old mate' I first knew when he was about 14 or 15 who is now a father of several children and has been a Policeman for 20 years or more.

What were the chances?!

We chatted about wildlife, history too as we were on the site of an old Roman road and of cours Land Rovers. He said that he used to have a Freelander years ago and I said I remembered. He reminded me of the issues with it but he then stated that many of the issues were with the petrol versions and the diesels were OK. My time at Stratstones was too long ago for me to remember any ratio of problems. But I did remember that two that had been continuously returned to us was a petrol driven Freelander and Discovery.

Since I bought the vehicle I have been struck down with a number of things, though this has not stopped me covering well over 100 or 150 miles in less than a week and having no less than 7 nature trips in that time. In fact I had around four in the very same day and only ever managed two in a single day before now. And if I ever did visit two places in the same day they were always the same two and the two closest to me, bar one very local spot.

Only I am still using older and less suitable equipment when I go out.

Now last weekend I had planned on acquiring more of my long shopping list but for two reasons I ended up .. well basically 'bottling it'.

Yeah I seem to have two issues since our little .. event has now almost come to an end, well the first part at any rate. First off I was worried about driving and despite the mileage and places I have visited I have taken things very, very gently and plan to for at least 6 weeks. I normally always do this anyway with a new car I have not driven before. But it has been a very long time so I am spending a lot more time easing back into things.

The other one is kinda two fold .. with the first being struck with buyers remorse and the other suddenly panicking about the amount of money I am spending. Weird. Very weird.

But it is stupid .. I do not know why I am feeling like this and I have no choice but to get the things I intend to. It has all been in the planning for months and I need to change things. I need to move up several gears in several ways.

My life could not continue they way that it has been but now I am in the process of doing that .. I suddenly get struck with these silly and annoying psychological issues?! I have realised where it stems from and in all honesty .. a public service is to blame. Though their could be an argument for two public services?

Yeah .. I am .. panicking. Just a little.

The funny thing is it is largely because I am around £10,000 short of doing everything I absolutely want to and feeling safe about it.

It is because I want to use what I now have to cut the restraints from the exact same public service but I am panicking in case I ever have to approach them again. Would not be for at least a year so I do not know why I am panicking about that. Also .. well there are currently four avenues whereby things for me could finally work out. I could finally become self-supporting and there is nothing I would like more.

One of these avenues has been in the pipeline for a couple years but I wanted to only put it in place once I had worked my arse off for five years without receiving any money for what I did at all. I just wanted to be able to say that at a later date, likely in my own defence against big organisations?

Ugh!

The next set of tools I will acquire is only the second set in a set of three purchases. This may include some other little odd ones in-between.

I have not even looked at things like televisions or blu-ray players. In fact I only had two things on my entire wish list that was purely for pleasure. Though I say that but what this is I already have and I used to use it to .. alleviate certain .. things.

I am not so sure that this alleviation is any longer necessary? Still it would make for a cool coupl of un-boxing videos that would attract attention from that .. field.

Sadly and because of all the delays .. the acquiring of personal transport has come a little .. late. I have a real draw to visit sites in the UK and overseas for nature. Both flora and fauna. I am also something of an expert in several fields that scan the globe.

So filming and photographing only locally has been somewhat .. frustrating and one year a few years back I missed a couple of Bearded Tits, or Bearded Reedlings. I was within a few feet of them but they suddenly decided to stay out of site, despite the fact I was in a bird hide. Lol.

Just like the three Wheatears I see of a couple of years these guys only ever stop of to feed in my local haunts before continuing on to Suffolk, Norfolk or even Yorkshire or further. It is worse than trying to photo someone but only when they are at a bus stop. You have to get to the bus stop just when they happen to be there. When this might only be twice a year? Well as you can see it is difficult at best. Lol.

I have also been working with tools that I could acquire the last few years. They are far from adequate but they are better than nothing. For instance one item was £500 new, might have been £550? The item I am looking to replace it with is £3,000! The well known top of the line models of these tools range from £4,500 to £6,000. Yeah so I am not even going over the top here! But these things require other .. things. In fact they do not even work at all without these other .. things. In fact there are over a dozen to choose from and two that I want the most are dearer than the tool itself so you can see? Bloody expensive!

In fact it is funny as I was into this many years ago and .. I really do not recall things being this expensive? In fact I am sure that top of the line with one manufacturer was around £1,500 to £2,000 around 1994? Today it is £6,000?! These necessary attachments used to be around £1,000 for the top of the line stuff. Maybe a little more? But my memory is bad due to the short term loss I get from Fibromyalgia. The one attachment to this tool I want more than anything else is £11,000! The other one is £6,000 .. ish! I did discover that a famous shop in New York in America seems to sell versions of a different manufacturer and you can buy BOTH versions for several thousand less than the most expensive one above?! Madness! It gets worse as for some reason no one seems to stock them or even have them on special order in the UK?

Hmm .. starting to think I made a mistake and these attachments are for another brand entirely? Or a different version of the exact same brand?

Ah well .. not like I am jumping on an aircraft to go and get them any time soon? If only?!

There will be two collections of tools that are kind of grouped together and in fact one will have actually two versions of the same thing and I am thinking about doing this too with the other one?

It is like I said to someone the other day .. if your going to be more professional you simply have no choice and this is especially true when you cannot seem to buy one item that does everything you want it to. Oh .. this is not just me, let me tell you. When I come to doing the un-boxing videos to show what I purchased it will become clear. Maybe even blatantly obvious and will cause nodding heads to anyone that sees what items I have bought?

I also have to make several other big changes and I have been .. investigating it but am also somewhat nervous about this too?!

It is really, really annoying me.

I am also really, really confused by it.

One brother also wants to buy similar .. kit to that I want and presently he has shown interest in the two of us going .. up there. But he has difficulties getting time off and I may be imminently going away for awhile?

So what I will do is that I will see if I can get a date out of him by Thursday and if I cannot I will order the stuff for a next day delivery. Annoyingly this will be two groups of orders. No one ever stocks everything you want!

Oh and all that visiting of sites I have only ever been to with someone else or not been two before now? Yeah well during all that I managed to slam the little finger of my left hand in the door!

It hurt. Like hell. The fingernail has gone mostly black as has done the opposing side of my finger, which is showing some bruising and it has even swollen a little. Hoo-boy I had to refrain from pulling away in the car for about 20 minutes or so because of the distraction of the pain! I might have driven as much of a couple hundred miles but until I feel completely confident .. yeah .. no driving with any distractions whatsoever.

Typical then that I cannot figure out how to get the Discovery's GPS bloody working and keeps wanting to direct me bloody home! So using Google Maps on my Android phone for now.

I also forgot my prescription pills a few times and right now my legs are aching really bad and have been all day, just so the painful little finger does not feel left out!

I had not originally factored in time re-familiarising myself with a car and a very big one at that and nor had I factored in any absolutely stupid psychological issues making me pause for thought. I still gave a six week period though when I signed a particular form.

At the time 6 weeks felt like it was too long. But right now it feels like it is not long enough?! Go figure!

Also if I go away for a week or two I will be in places I very rarely frequent that are a considerable distance. This means all new scenery as well as new species of animals I could not even get close to down here. Even some of them would likely need an couple hours driving for the closest ones to me.

The third round of purchases will likely only take place after another big change. This is inevitable and does not matter much because what I want is not for sale just yet! In fact three items I want are not for sale just yet. One of those is annoying as I will certainly need this while I am away. Wherever it is I end up going to begin with and even during the big change planned too! Damn it!

So in the last few days I have been to ..

• Fishers Green twice
• Cornmill Meadow
• Broxbourne Woods
• Panshanger Park which was disappointing in a way
• South Essex Marshes
• Bower Marsh at Pitsea in Essex

Do you know what I have realised that I like about this work?

No effing double yellow lines, parking restrictions or parking attendants to worry about!

Oh and I am also realising that there are a number of things I need to do and people I need to spak to or deal with and .. it feels like overload!

Now if I can just get over these darned psychological things?!

THE DAY OF DREAD

Well it is 8.04am and I have been researching on the Internet since around 6.30am.

After my initial anxiety dying down around 5pm yesterday and my legs seemingly feeling normal again I have awoken to another anxiety attack.

I have a GP appointment today and I had hoped after my legs stopped working yesterday that this morning would be like yesterday morning when I had very little anxiety that I could handle . It is just about typical that things would be so random. So I am somewhat worried that I will get to the GP but he did ring me yesterday and when I told him I was worried about getting there he told me not to worry about it and he would call me if I was not at the surgery when my appointment came around.

I would rather get there though as the very idea of a pill that could switch this off or at least make it manageable is just too much of a draw to ignore. Though he could prescribe them over the phone, I guess, and leave a prescription there for me to pick up.

I do have the ECG and other test result to hand to him though and still have to get there.

One of the worst things for my anxiety and probably highly likely for everyone's anxiety is the sitting around waiting. Distractions are a wonderful thing if you can do them and focus on them, though this is not always possible.

I am also still several hours away from my appointment time and once upon a time and for around 5 to 7 years this time of the morning was completely unknown to me. Another thing I have I always put down to the Fibromyalgia, as it is a lack of restorative sleep problem, is my sleep patterns. I would without a single exception not get asleep until 3am to 5 or even 6am and then wake up around 11am. For months on end without fail. Then one day around 18 months back it flipped about and I started waking up at 7am to 8am. Since the anxiety started this has gotten earlier and normally sometime after 4am until around 6.30am without fail.

At first this was handy as I could get out on my bike much earlier and be out while things were quieter for several hours and get a lot of photography and filming done. Better as well to come across animals and wildlife I wanted to film too. Except … we have had one pretty crap summer, 2015, and the first half of this summer has been either very cloudy or raining.

As I told a friend yesterday I was walking along the day before and a young woman in her late twenties was walking along chatting on the phone and I heard her tell someone “It's crazy, its either very cloudy, raining and then the sun comes out for a bit and then goes back to raining!” lol.

Tell me about it!

I never got an answer from Mind and now I have something else to tell them when they do reply and I am hoping that something can be arranged with them as regards a visit. I am eager to speak to anyone who may have experience with others of these problems.

Speaking if which I was reading a forum on UK Fibromyalgia, was not aware of them before, and I remember seeing people saying how happy they were at finding others with the same thing, the failing legs as I have just experienced. I have seen people say things like this before and always think it is odd. Imagine me saying …

“Oh I have this thing that is so dreadful and a living hell and I am so glad that other people are afflicted with this nightmare like condition too!”

Lol. Such an odd thing to say. I have always said I am sorry to find others with the conditions I have but that I do find it somewhat reassuring. But only in the event it has not been diagnosed and re-assuring that it might be or that I have just found out what it is and can tell a GP. Lol.

Wondering whether to go to my friend's store for a mug of tea or two before the appointment, as it is half way there, or just wait it out and go straight there? I think the anxiety may make my mind up for me unless it suddenly drops off the way that it does? I have found, however, that it never really drops off when I am just sitting around. Living alone does not help.

Even the paramedic chatted about me living alone and having no one. I told her that it has been a bane lately because your left to your own thoughts and depending on how you feel that is not always a good thing. Come to think of it it is rarely a good thing! If I had a partner there would be no fighting over the TV remote … because I do not watch TV, lol! There is never anything on TV any more and has not been for ages. I cannot abide trash TV, reality shows and talent shows. I simply cannot and do not like soap operas either.

I like science and animal documentaries but these are so few and far between it is not worth it and with my memory loss I never used to remember when they were on anyway and always miss them. Would need a TV with one of those EPGs with a reminder option. But then who looks weeks ahead on an EPG for the rare one off documentaries anyway?

I used to like Castle but I hear that is now ended. Used to like Person Of Interest too but could never remember when it is on, seen only four episodes or so and not in sequence. CSI I liked but these have all stopped. NCIS is still going but changed somewhat. Did like Doctor Who but that is filmed less than it used to be and by all accounts changed somewhat too.

I wonder what drug will be prescribed to me? I wonder if it will turn out to be Propanalol, if I remember the name correctly? I have had this before, some years back and do not remember it doing much last time but my sister swears by it. He did say 'beta-blocker' which is odd as one ex GP stated it was a beta-blocker that would stop over-sweating. Two birds with one stone? I should be so lucky!

What is the betting I get a phone-call just about when I am due to go in to see the GP? I have very little to do and struggle to fins things, hence my blogs, but I always get calls at the most awkward times.

I am also finding it bloody strange that with the amount of research I have done and owning the best book in the world on Fibromyalgia, Figuring Out Fibromyalgia by Ginevra Liptan, that I had not come across the weak legs syndrome before. Worrying the first web-page I found, I edited in late on a previous post, mentions its frequency can vary all the way up to persistent! NOT GOOD! I guess I might have just skipped over it and forgot it because it never occurred with me?

I am tending to lean towards it being linked to Fibromyalgia, by causing anxiety so strong your legs shut down, a bad thing. For this means I am likely to get it again and it could end up permanent? If it was a side effect to a drug you can just stop taking the drug or switch to another one. All the drugs I get I have been on for ages anyway so I think it would have shown up within weeks or even days of taking anything new?

Oh and I have done a little research on the test results I have here and wondering what the GP will say about them as they seem to list a couple of things of which one might be down to my high blood pressure, sinus tachycardia, possible left anterior fascicular block, left ventricular hypertrophy and later ST-T abnormality... for those budding medical trainees that like these things ..

THREE OF MY BAD DAYS

Going two better there than one Roger Waters, from his and Pink Floyd's lyrics to the track One Of My Turns, if I remember correctly, from The Wall album.

Good job with the live alum of the latest live concert to The Wall, Roger, but about time you did a follow up to the very good Amused To death? Maybe? Lol.

Anyhoo on to my bad days.

I agreed, though I shouldn't have done really, to look after some pets for a friend while they was in Italy. Odd as they always lectured me on how to spend money and one is broke and the other not worked for 18 months but have been to both Norway and Italy this year alone.

I have no doubts that there annual 3 week visit to Crete is only a couple of months away too?

Well the day before my first visit to feed both aquariums, four ponds, five tortoises, a Goldfinch Muel, Canary and one talking Budgerigar I got tired in the afternoon, despite doing very little. I had to return home but had a GP appointment to get to and I had a print-out I wanted to give him, as my memeory causes me to forget to mention things to him. I had so many now that some might be important, crucial or even life threatening. Unless we, or rather you, are a Doctor you simply do not know. Funny how the government expects us all to be Doctors though? Lol.

At home I was drained, still intending to make my appointment and went to go upstairs to get something and my right ankle, or Achilles tendon, clicked badly and I jerked in pain and then fell onto my wooden stairs. Ouch!

Fell asleep on the sofa and never made my appointment. First time that has happened in a few years, do not know if I am going to be charged that £10 they talked about for that.

The following day I was waiting for a package to arrive, from the UK E-CIG store, a bit odd, of e-liquids for my ... ahem, well e-cigarettes of Marshmallow Man, Suicide Bunny's Original Bunny and Donuts Juices ... umm Donuts. I had a quick run through all the major vape stores websites when I spotted something at the Juice Shop's website.

A Smok TFV4 micro atomiser!

I had wanted one of these since finding out they existed but thus far they only seemed to come in a kit with a box mod. I own two box mods and really did not want another one. As I have Joyetech's Cuboid and Laisimo's Snow Wolf 200W why would I need another one? No one locally stocked the kit anyway and just the day before I ended up buying a Smok TFV4 Mini. Yes smaller than my TFV4 Full but not quite as small as I wanted.

So the Juice Shop in Edmonton had them ... except they were also part of a kit ... but with a difference.

These ones came with a cylindrical battery and I like these designs. Added to that it was a lot cheaper than the box mod kit, around £15 to £20 cheaper.

So I got my three e-juices and promptly jumped on a bus.

Scott at the shop must have heard me and come out to chat but the Smok One Sticks, as they are called, were not on show. Think they were surprised I had spotted them and come down for one as they were pretty new and not long had them.

There were four colours and I was interested in the black tank so bought the black kit. There was silver too .. just checking .. dumb-arse, yeah red forgot about that and white.

Saw a Pipe design battery, I think by Smok also, had a look at the other Stick one with a Nano TFV4 too and eventually left.

Bus back to Sainsburys, bought some Warburton's Hot Dog Rolls, as all I had were in my freezer, then headed for my friends house. Not that far to go but I started feeling tired again as I had done the afternoon before. It got worse rather rapidly too.

Doing the chores expected of me wore ou any energy I had. I put their TV on to watch something and tried to relax for a bit to recuperate.

I was reminded of doing stuff like this when were previously friends four years beforehand.

I also realised that doing my own stuff was going to get hard and become stressful and was already stressing. Even right now I have run out of one of those things that will make others cringe.

Toilet roll! LMAO!

When I eventually got home about 6pm I went um my stairs, feeling really rough at this point, and crashed out on my bed, asleep almost immediately. Woke up wondering where I was.

On my second visit to the house I fell asleep on their sofa and woke up thinking I was at home, before then groaning and then realising I had other things to do before I could even leave to go home.

Doing my own stuff is a pain in the arse due to rushing and/or forgetting, due to both a list of pains I experience and my short term memory losses that drive me to distraction.

Doing things like this for someone else I am quite literally losing half of my time foing favours for others.

I am now reminded that I will be asked to do this for three weeks ion a couple of months and I am going to have to say, no.

When I woke up at home in the evening on my second day of feeling rough I suddenly realised something else and something that was extremely vital to all that I had said and done and the points made on here. The same points I have made to my GP in a print-out he never received last week...

..I had forgotten to take my pills for two days running. I first realised I had forgotten them that morning and as I was feeling like crap the day before it made me think about how I left the house the day before and where I was going when I realised that I had also forgotten them the morning before as well. Going back three days is impossible for me.

In the Juice Shop Scott had experienced having a cold or flu virus. I told him that I never really get them and co go several years without contracting anything. That was that morning of my second bad day and had not taken any pills.

Would you believe that when I woke up on the third day my head was banging a little, I had a very sore throat and felt very whoozy and a burning nose?! Damn it! Bocked myself there?!

But the I had not taken my pills and as a result was very run down and so probably why I had contracted the flu?

A third day not good enough for you?

Then how about this?

I took the pills on the third morning I had forgotten for at least two mornings previously. Now I have always maintained to various Doctors that there is something up with my nasal passages and have had difficulties for years. The last two years I had thought there was something wrong at the back of my throat and like a hole or a gap or something. this was due to the way air moved through it as one day it just felt different. This was a few years back now.

Well ... one of my pills felt like it was in an odd and unusual place at the back of my throat and as I washed them down with milk it felt like it went somewhere it shouldn't. I thought it was my imagination.

Except as I was sipping my mug of tea suddenly I started to get a burning sensation at the back of my throat and realise this was a pills that was dissolving and must be in some hole somewhere?

I drank more tea to wash it away and the burning only got worse, I guess from ore of whatever pill it was dissolving. I ended up snorting to try to move it and BAM!

Suddenly  the burning became painful and I felt something go into my lungs that did not feel right!

Now this continued on for over an hour and in that time I resisted the temptation to dial '999' several times and probably not wise due to a potential problem with a lung?

Anyway I got over that period, thank God.

But I ended up with some kind of cold like virus and has played havoc with my taste and smell as food and drink I love tastes like crap and those e-juices of Donuts by Donut Juice, Marshmallow Man and Suicide Bunny's Original Bunny all tasted the bloody same!

Well either that or someone is faking or repackaging empty bottles with the exact same e-juices?!

LMAO!

I doubt that of course, hopefully my taste will return soon. But then the same company did try and sell an e-cigarette known as a Vicious Ant Vari-Ant for a lot more than the already ridiculous price £500 on an eBay auction. Lol.

I never made it out today either, Monday now, not even to rebook my GP appointment.

Hopefully tomorrow I will get out and hopefully I will finally remember to get some BLOODY BOG ROLL?!

LMAO!