THE FOCUSED MIND

Was trying to read about metallic hydrogen.

Good God, the human mind is a temperamental beast!

It's so hard to do anything when your mind is constantly being torn in different directions.

It's also impossible to get to grips with this when you have seemingly impossible hurdles that are numerous and a thousand things racing through your mind.

I was given a film weeks ago and the other day I was asked if I had watched it ..

"The blu-ray player hasn't even been plugged in for three months now!" I replied.

We talked about music too and I forget if I mentioned but .. I found my music player I haven't seen for more than six months in a place of checked three times or more?! Yeah .. as I said .. the mind is a God damn pain in the arse in my case and for many reasons. In to the next bit ..

I told them that lately I was not calm or relaxed enough to even enjoy music. Christ I have a hard enough time even focusing on a simple short TV episode!

Gaming?! Yeah .. forget it!

What I do manage to do but I end up giving up is uploading photographs of mine to try and sell. But this in itself is a long, laborious and in my opinion, unfair process. It's also a very bad process in each case. Oh I'm sure the hosts think they are professional, are doing it right and their websites are great? But .. no!

In fact I got very almost completely rejected by one site who only approved one single solitary photo out of two dozen. Umm .. the one photo accepted was the one photo I was sure would be rejected?!

That was Adobe Stock, formerly Folio, and to be fair because of the lower pay I thought I could get away with photographs I wasn't so keen on myself. Turned out neither were they. I was just thinking about having a wider selection of photos across several sites. Well .. three sites in actual fact.

I was curious about the rejection and the reasons sooo .. I thought I would put something to the test?

I picked photos that have been accepted by a site many place at the top of their lists. I wondered if the two sites might treat the photos differently? If they did then you know I'm going to have to ask why this is?!

I wondered, after being even further down about it all day a few days back, if I was going to the wrong sites?

I post process many pictures to make something look interesting. I might add softness on rare occasions, normally flowers. I mostly go for different tones in a black and white image. Sometimes I go artistic by posterising the picture. If I play around and don't like it then I don't convert it to a jpeg.

Maybe when I do this they are no longer classes as photos? I was rather surprised none insisted on uploading the original RAW file too.

I did start trying to look for sites that sell illustrations and artistic pictures though I can't see my post-processed pictures falling into either category. I also was having focus and anxiety issues and gave up after a few minutes. My fingers were having difficulties touching the damn touchpad again too.

To be honest and I thought that after my last outing getting photographs that I would have had two or three days out by now but I haven't.

Well this is to do with my health and those health conditions being aggravated by the public services. Intentional or otherwise.

In fact so many things seem to happen at just the wrong time that even my daughter now believes it is all by design.

In fact she realises it's just like this with her too now and has been for a long time.

She's sorry she didn't believe and trust me ten years ago. Two of her friends have said that since I returned to London.

Each of us having a horrific life story to tell which combined .. blows many stories out of the water.

The shear suffering, actions against us, the longevity of this whole thing and the fact that children are suffering too. So bad was it that many didn't believe it for many years. In some cases many, many years.

Yet we both at our worst points right now and with something going on for days I know no details about it's .. pretty .. bad.

I didn't eat again last night .. still no idea what I weigh currently but I saw my hip bone sticking out while lying on my side. That's a first .. I think.

My heart is playing it's tricks and my anxiety is doing it's thing too.

What was I doing and saying? Ooh yeah, metallic hydrogen. Interesting stuff if I could focus on the more complex parts of the damn report!

Good God I really, really hate feeling like this. I am not able enough to do many things. Have too many things to do. Can't god damn remember half the time. It would be easier and a lot more peaceful if I just died.

I do have someone to ring for help, though I very much doubt I'll get the correct help?

But I've not been able to make that call because there's been a real and present danger of something happening out of the blue. I just do not know what that is.

This might mean I have no choice but to travel and I'm fucking scared about that. Talking just around London here too, as stupid add that sounds.

I also think about how little help I've had, despite the promises, and that if I'm getting worse what will the future be like even in just five years?

Fucking terrifying is what.

At times like these, which sadly is most days, you get the odd flutter in the chest but every now and then it's .. boom!

In fact there's even different types of 'boom' that go on with my heart.

• One I'm sure it's caused by Anxiety
• One I'm sure it's caused by Tachycardia
• One I'm sure it's caused by Palpitations

If they aren't bad enough the sudden lack of energy is even worse. If you've ever been any sort of athlete and also experienced hitting that physical wall then it's just like that. Your legs just don't want to work and regardless of where you are you just want to lay down. Here where I currently am it's impossible to go absolutely anywhere and just lay down.

I use to know that living in the countryside would help me a great deal with my symptoms, not to mention my photography. Now it seems like an unreachable necessity.

Though after recent incidents I'm still not even sure if I'd cope?!

And that's just a tiny insight into what scrambles my brain on a daily basis.

Made worse by the stupid, naive and purely moronic suggestions I get off people on how to deal with this.

Many fail to see the issues. Some fail to see you can't fight chemicals out of balance biologically or health conditions.

They think there is some magic switch which is exactly the way the powers that be in this country want them to think.

It's also why a quarter of a million people have died and continue to die.

That's the hardest part for me. All those deaths and the attitudes are still 'fuck you' more or less.

Yeah well if that's your attitude give me fecking pill to end it humanely.

That way your saving money .. oh no wait I don't fucking receive any money. At all!

Yeah because I'm sure me disappearing and my blogs ceasing will allow them to sleep better at night.

Well .. saying that in discovering a lot of people trying to go after the real truths and publish and talk about them just as I've been doing? So maybe they might sleep just a little bit better than they did previously if I disappeared overnight?

THE WARS OF THE MIND

Torturous.

That is what life has been for me for months on end now .. just torturous.

I have walked in front of so many oncoming vehicles since I have been here I am wondering if my subconscious is trying to reach for the off switch as well as my conscious mind?

It is constantly switching from not wanting to lose against this evil country, Theresa May and the Tory Party to just wanting to end my life. This morning is an end my life kind of morning.

I have tried to do things .. I have tried to battle it and my daughter has done the same but something just keeps on preventing us from beating this.

I sit in the park watching others wondering of they have any idea what is being done to people out there and the pain which they are forced to endure?

I wonder if and when it will ever stop and that even if it does and I find help from someone will this stop it? I sometimes doubt that.

At my age now and with the complications with my health it is hard to imagine ever feeling happy or even just normal ever again.

Adverts on TV regarding bringing awareness to mental health issues infuriate me as I always see these as just talk. Two hundred and fifty miles apart and both y daughter and I have see no change whatsoever.

It is partly about money but this just adds .. compounds the issues and the health often suffers as a result.

One thing I have dreaded is the difficulty sleeping as without much sleep I am going to be more tired, experience more anxiety and depression and make more mistakes. Maybe this is the reason why I have nearly been clipped by more than half a dozen vehicles? Two of those were buses .. I remember a black van whose passenger yelled at me. I also remember the last one .. a silver car at the exact location I was hit by a car around 35 years ago. What was that they say about lightning not striking twice? Probably others I cannot recall.

I am even a little disappointed each time I have had one of these close shaves, thinking afterwards how all of the pain would be over .. once and for all.

But even then things have been just so torturous that I even fear that our souls might be real, with an explanation in quantum mechanics, and that I might have to come back to this hell hole yet again. I wonder if there might be a choice and that I could simply say 'no bloody way!'?

Here where I am currently I have trouble doing the simplest of tasks .. something that has now been noticed that does not notice anything in other people. Normally only themselves, though this wont last and wont bring me any benefits.

Those around me and that know me do not know that I feel like this and for two reasons. Firstly I do not like putting upon people at all and secondly because I will get the usual crap that is said without thinking that drives me up the wall ..

• What do you want to do that for?
• You have got to try!
• Why don't you try doing something you enjoy to take your mind off things?
• Think about how other people will feel!

There is even one that thinks that the way I am is brought on by myself?! Though they have bee on some odd courses .. like a weird self-help thing where they believe everything is caused by the mind and that you have complete control over this.

They do not seem to comprehend things like chemicals out of balance, deficiencies or physical problems within the human body.

Oddly enough the one and only time I did get any help over 18 months ago they seem to think that talking was a cure and I have always maintained that in this instance it does not work, is something biological going on and that there are things that cannot be cured by talking. As much as I was appreciative of the help it is somewhat frustrating when they do not listen and therefore, in the cases of Doctors, do not even look into it.

Come to think of it I do not recall ever having any kind of test for anything to do with mental illness and I am wondering of there is in fact any tests? There must be things with mental health problems that are testable? Low magnesium causes mental health issues and that is testable and they have tested me for it. Their test result was wrong because they failed to see I am diagnosed with it, unless it was not put on my records, did not tell me they was testing it and therefore allowing me to inform them that I was on magnesium pills and it should be on y records.

Yeah .. a terrible mistake. Or a convenient one?

They act towards patients with patronising attitudes and act like they know everything and do not make mistakes and yet they make mistakes constantly. In recent years it has been reported a hell of a lot but the attitudes seem to persist.

One moron was an expert on my condition because he came across it once and then claimed I was wrong about something and when I told him to do his research still insisted he was right, when he was clearly very, very .. wrong.

Tome after time after time and visit after visit after visit and as my own daughter os now finding as are no doubt millions of others .. you end up not even wanting to go to a GP, hospital or walk-in centre.

But then when it comes to helping you .. there is nothing much out there. I certainly have had nothing and my daughter has been asking for a year, well a lot longer really but since the latest set of tragedies started, and has had nothing.

I am still losing weight too. That will likely continue to happen. I ignore comments about it, even weird comments I do not get where someone is trying to play a victim card in stating that people are blaming them. Yeah .. I am a 49 year old man, for Christ's sake how can it be someone else's fault? They will use absolutely anything to draw attention to themselves even deliberately provoking someone to attack them. They will literally promise they wont use bad behaviour that is downright rude and frustrating then then do exactly that within three minutes of stating it. They push you, you blow up and they run to everyone else with their victim card in their hands waving it furiously. The weird thing is everyone knows that they do this, they have been doing this for years, do not take any notice and no one can understand why they just carry on persistently doing this. In fact this has gone on for thirty years, something else ignored by the NHS and yet still they do it and we just do not understand how it is they can keep on trying this when it has never gotten them anywhere and everyone ignores it.

It is al their children's fault and down to the way they are .. conveniently forgetting that they have fallen out with their own friends over the same thing and their own cousin. But when it suits it is specific to us. Yeah .. it is a veritable melting of ones mind.

Two of these children have not set foot in this house since I moved in! One has visited just twice.

You also cannot talk to them .. about anything and things are so bad that if I do even attempt it I get moaned at by two others for even trying it. You also get sixty seconds before they start repeatedly second guessing what you are going to say or switch it to about them where you get a very stale history lesson. Try to tell them how bad things are today and you get a lecture about how it was worse years ago? No .. it wasn't!

Even fifteen years ago I would have been given full disability and housed while today they are deliberately leaving people to die. When your made aware of the consequences of your actions and you carry on regardless then your knowingly and therefore deliberately doing this.

Oddly there is talk of a scandal over this breaking and it brings some tiny little hope that it will and that this will force change? But I have thought this so many times in recent years, over ten years to be precise, and nothing happens. Or it will seem to sort itself out and then a while later goes horribly wrong. An example of this that many seem to miss is that I did get DLA .. at a time when they believed in the symptoms despite me not having a proper diagnosis. That was taken away and then several years later I was awarded PIP because I did have a diagnosis. Guess what happened a little while later? Yup, it was taken away.

You cannot get these benefits by just filling out a form, you never have. You have to provided proof and medical evidence. So I got it twice.

Basically I was on the top tier where when they first decided to screw disabled people I got kicked off. Until I could prove one of the things, yes it was just one at the time, that was wrong and I went back on it. Then they moved down to the tier I was on. I knew they was doing this but I never thought I would go through this a second time. They even stated to a charity that they would not come after people with my condition of Fibromyalgia. Then they did.

Then you get these amoral and extreme right wing sounding people that seem to think that all the money problems are because of benefit claimants, proving they are utter shit at maths as well as being amoral as well as extremely naïve, that think what they do is right. Also that what they say is right and love pointing fingers. Sorry but your shit at maths, amoral and God damn stupid if you think like this. They have been hammering people for 7 years plus, half a million benefit claimants and sick people have died as a result. You cannot agree to this and despite all that nothing has changed has it? Paying less taxes now are we? No and you never fecking will, idiot!

In fact if your a small business struggling .. well there are millions of people low paid and on benefits now scared to spend anything sooo.

Yeah so I sit in the park with my mind twisting and contorting most days. I often just want to die because I really do not know a way through this. I look at people and wonder of they have any idea at all what is going on? I see most of them as socialists and wonder of they even know that their attempts to change things have actually made things worse? Still are as far as I can see. Wonder if and when that will ever change. Well it kind of is but it is doing so ever so slowly and in theory could stop at any time.

DYING INSIDE

Right now I feel like I am literally dying ..

.. though I am really tempted to speed up the process!

I really did not want to even type this out but what ails me may in time help others?

I am on the verge of losing my belongings .. what there is left of them. Not all of them but most of them and on top of this I may be losing my bank accounts too.

My anxiety is through the roof and my mind feels like it wants to tear right down the middle and into two.

I have also found out that my daughter was supposed to have an operation last year on a hernia that can get strangulated and cause Gangrene?! Not done because her mother let her down looking after the children and there is no one else. Think that is bad?

Well it happened again recently over an operation for my daughter's cervical cancer!

Also she has been under investigation for stealing from someone .. close to home .. also reported by her own siblings as it turns out.

But this is the person that the authorities keep insisting is a wonderful person and can be relied upon year after year .. after year.

It very literally feels to both my daughter and me like things have been plotted against us for us to fail and even for us to commit suicide. Articles in Love It and Take A Break Monthly magazines recently only show two parts of my daughter's horrific life that total a few dozen parts. We really thought and were told that this would lead us onto other things .. but now starting to think it was a tokenism gesture by someone to shut us up for awhile longer? Two people and two offers and neither of them were followed through.

So basically my time has run out and my own difficulties alone run into the dozens and this is just too much to take and it just keeps getting prolonged.

No money being paid in either means that I will run out of the most stupid things and other things that keep some pretty bad pain and death at bay.

Also and when my anxiety is like this I have three things that either occur or increase ..

• Heart Palpitations
• Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs
• Sudden disappearance of energy that makes walking excruciating or impossible
• That does not include many other things besides but are the main ones

I want to walk in front of a bus right now but do not want my daughter to be told her father has died, what with everything she has going on.

At the same time I have been wondering how much the human mind can take before .. it ruptures?

My situation is also impossible as no one seems to realise, care or are too wrapped up in their own issues to be able to do anything or help. Though I am not sure how they can help to be honest with you. But when your like this you just hope there is someone out there to help .. somewhere?

So I fear that I will end up like some really crazy person, in a padded cell somewhere rocking back and forth?!

I cannot get really far and for weeks all I have managed is a park over the road and within a few hundred yards of the bottom of a hill in Waltham Abbey, which was not without difficulties.

I just want to feel normal again and take photographs and post-process a few hundred photographs I have been unable to do. Monday and Tuesday just gone there should have been 200 to 300 photographs uploaded. God knows when I will get around to doing that, if at all.

I had also come across the idea of uploading some to a sight that sells photographs for you, called Alamy, but that went wrong. Supposed to upload three but something went wrong with the third one and then it would not allow me to send the third.

But then there is the worry of what will happen if I lose my bank account?

If I do will I ever be able to get another bank account?

I had tried to reach out to other people in the hope of getting interest in out stories, though mainly my daughter's. In the hope that exposing what the public services were doing that at least her nightmare might end? But to no avail ad when you get like this you seriously get angry and disappointed with the fact you have gone to everyone you can think of and they basically tell you to fuck off, move along or send you off to someone else you know is going to say the exact same thing.

It appears that even with something afflicting you that can be potentially fatal .. or just tear your mind in two gets you now help or sympathy whatsoever.

Kind of crazy then that Swedish civilians spend thousands and even tens of thousands of pounds travelling dozens of miles to collect up and patrol streets so that the people there can feel safe?

I think I would pass out if I ever saw groups in the UK doing this?

There is also the issue of not being able to buy the magnesium and vitamin B pills as this will cause a lot of pain before eventually leading on to my death. Not a way I want to go to be honest!

God I just wish this torture would end one way or another!

EDIT: I am even worried about losing the use of my phone only in that my daughter wont be able to ring me and have someone to talk to?! It has got a fault with the screen and does exhibit some odd behaviour.

WHY DIDN'T YOU DIE?

Well what do you know?

It seems that some of the hired liars of the DWP do actually ask about mental health stuff?!

Only this was not the case in my experience with Atos, nor others but it seems that with Maximus they do. Only this is one question that they asked ..

"Why did you not succeed in killing yourself?"?!

So then just like if you have all four limbs your fit .. if your still alive your not suicidal because otherwise you would be dead? Fucking lying, evil and utterly stupid morons!

Yeah you just keep on digging!

They have also been told that it is inappropriate to ask to look at self-harming scars?!

Right .. so it is OK to ask someone who self-harms why they have not succeeded in killing themselves yet but is inappropriate to ask to see their scars?! Riiiight!

Hmm maybe if you spent some money actually finding out what ailments are causing this and fucking treat them maybe you would not have to assess most of them?!

In my own issues I have had this for way, way over twelve years and can be traced back over twenty and, like with my Fibromyalgia four years ago, I had to discover for myself this is down to a magnesium problem. A magnesium problem that requires an expensive test, here let me look it up ..

There is the expensive ExaTest that tests intracellular mineral electrolyte levels and is considered the gold standard for magnesium testing. http://www.afibbers.org/forum/read.php?9,154303,154355

So are they likely to do this? No.

This turns out to be not only what is behind much of my stuff but also behind some of my daughter's issues too. More on that in the coming weeks and I have talked about this previously on here.

The Canary and that stupid question ..

https://www.thecanary.co/discovery/news-discovery/2018/06/12/dwp-has-to-tell-disability-assessors-that-its-not-appropriate-to-ask-to-see-self-harm-scars/

THE FORCED FIDDLE

Jesus!

This is .. difficult.

Not having the help I was promised, which I asked for because of my health problems, I am faced with having to do something which could have made things a lot easier .. had this been done many weeks ago when it should have happened.

I literally have trouble doing anything and for so many reasons.

I now have to try and sell my car .. which someone was supposed to do for me who has now, not only failed to do this in two or three months, but asked me to do this.

Yeah except I get into a panic and anxious mode at trying to do anything .. even locally.

Part of the problem was that I could not keep my car where I am and it resides several miles away from me.

I made mistakes when I purchased the car and then a whole host of mistakes after I purchased the car along with many others and one thing became clear ..

.. the NHS seriously let me down, caused me unnecessary pain and I went into a situation that I was neither ready nor fit for and have been paying for this ever since.

I really, really would like to get this car sold.

I had a friend want to buy it but they just kept joking about getting this £8,000 car, or was when I bought it, for £2,000. Yeah .. that did not help.

My daughter has even expressed her shock at how little help I have had since I arrived back in London and has suggested several times about me returning up there. But it was moving up there with my health condition, to help her and my grandchildren, that caused this in the first instance along with the NHS' failures.

You see I have had this problem for years and I did not know until very recently what this was. It might seem hard to believe but this problem was actually well known to my GP and to the NHS, though oddly this has also been ignored by a so-called court of law recently.

Now how this .. problem surfaced to the point when it was spotted by a GP was in the form of intense pain in my thighs. Originally this started out as a mere aching of both thighs now and then. After awhile when affected this would be strong enough to have me sitting on a sofa rubbing my thighs continuously. Eventually it was becoming more and more frequent to the point I would actually remember to bring it up with my GP. I do not recall how many visits to him I had where I brought it up before he said “I think you have a magnesium deficiency?”. I thought he was talking crap. He told me to buy vitamin pills that had magnesium in from Holland & Barrett called Vit ABC+. I still thought he was talking crap but I did it anyway as I was willing to give anything a try and by jove, it worked!

However I had been having other issues that was also linked to this long before the painful thighs started to bother me.

Some years ago now and this has happened several times over the years I got struck down with severe anxiety. With this came several things ..

• Did not want to go out
• Did not want to be around crowds
• Stopped eating long enough to rapidly lose weight
• Wanted to very literally die
• Confused at how uncomfortable and painful the human mind can be

I had been listed as suffering from depression long before the anxiety even started.

If you are not aware and have not seen previous posts ..

• Also suffer from a series of painful areas of the body
  • Worst part is feet
• Embarrassing skin conditions
• Embarrassing and painful tooth decay for years
• Progressively worse memory loss

I also have heartburn and a painful right knee along with other things, like Achilles Tendinitis.

In fact I went through a very large list of possible Fibromyalgia symptoms, of which I have long since been diagnosed but was met with .. resistance, I had experienced around 270 and foot pain and knee pain was not on that list!

It has been somewhat .. weird at times and I can tell you that in the last few months two family members have very literally felt like strangers to me and I cannot help but wonder as well as fear that this might be something to do with the memory thing?

So when I was asked to sell the car two of my symptoms went off straight away .. heart palpitations and anxiety.

But then a little while later I was feeling .. somewhat better and was rather surprised at this and set about trying to arrange something. That was yesterday and this morning? Nope .. back to the fucking anxiety and heart palpitations.

I did state to the person who had offered to help but now requesting I do all this that I will try and take some extra magnesium. As I have now discovered that the NHS had let me down for the umpteenth time and that the anxiety and half of my symptoms in total are caused by the low magnesium I figured .. no I had hoped that taking extra may alleviate things .. long enough for me to get this cursed task done and dusted?

Now the only problem with taking the magnesium is this ..

.. I had already been taking it for several years but in recent times had a suspicion which I wrongly ruled out that the magnesium was having a decreased effect.

As I have now taken four pills in the last 48 hours instead of the usual two and my thighs are currently aching I now realise I was wrong to dismiss this .. theory.

However .. when you try to explain to someone why you have difficulties and that it is dangerous what you get is “Oh I get that” with first off a tone that means this is nothing. That is despite the fact you have explained the mechanics and that you have proved it is dangerous. The second mistake in stupid statements like this is having the same symptom does not mean that the two are identical. Nor even does it prove that they are down to the same cause! Though I have now suggested that they take vitamin pills containing magnesium.

In fact what I did is text that they should keep an eye on this because with me it started off as just fluttering that was not a big deal. As I had so many things going on and visits to a GP led to nothing or comments that everything was down to my Fibromyalgia it just seemed a big waste of time speaking to a GP about anything. But I told them that eventually this fluttering started lasting a lot longer and became stronger to the point now where it literally feels like someone is punching my chest fro the inside out. That I have to stop now and then if I am out and hold my chest.

Will I hear the chink of a small coin hitting the deck? I doubt it.

Of course therein lies my other problem .. I have to drive my car to somewhere to sell it and .. I am not entirely sure now I am OK to drive, though it wont be far and I wont be speeding .. or even going above 20 miles per hour.

But then there is all the paperwork and shit .. and I have not been good with paperwork in recent times, if I am honest.

So yeah .. I have lost thousands of pounds along with being cheated out of thousands .. even tens of thousands of pounds. All because the NHS wanted to save a few quid!

In all honesty I have been kicking myself for not seeing a private Doctor. But in all honesty and after the NHS knew that I caught them out several times I did not believe for one second that they would fob me off or lie to me any longer. I guess the NHS and the government have everything, including the news media and courts, tied up a lot better than I had anticipated?!

I long to get this done and I also pray that if I get this done that I will feel a lot better after the job is completed? Because the way things are right now .. I cannot do anything and it is very, VERY frustrating.

It does not help at all that I cannot find anyone with a single ounce of understanding .. down here in London and the only one that does to any degree is my daughter. Who would love me to go back up there to the North-West.

Only therein lies even more problems because ..

• It will set off my anxiety
• My anxiety and health issues really, REALLY need to be sorted out before I could get back there!
• While I never want to be another burden on my daughter who has enough as it is
  • Cervical Cancer
  • Four children, one seriously Autistic though they have now done an about-face on that to save money .. does not stop the child biting, scratching and destroying household items and walls and shite
  • Same symptoms as me .. mostly so Fibromyalgia and possibly the Behcet's Syndrome they diagnosed but like the Autism have now contradicted themselves over?!

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

In the past it became extremely frustrating when I went to all the people that help with mental health and I was given crap about CBT and talking cures. I kept telling them this will not help .. I have no control over this. I am also one that was well known for will power and suddenly I had none and this was bizarre to me. But no matter how many GP's and mental health specialists both within the NHS and outside of it no one listened. They all knew better.

Now because of this arrogance from everyone I am in a living hell and I know not how to get out of it.

Everything seems like a fucking great big mountain I have to ascend and I have no energy, will power and lots and lots of issues. From the pains in my muscles, joints and teeth to the many skin problems and the mental health issues of severe anxiety to the overheating issues of my body and over-sweating.

The number of times I had read of women that have similar issues to me and discover that they are living somewhere and have an understandable and loving partner are numerous. Each time I have always been a little envious if I am totally honest.

It would appear that when your a man and you have these issues you are well and truly, royally fucking screwed. By everyone. Ignored and screwed.

Even when I cut my own wrists in a self-harming thing so that the stinging pain detracted from the mental pain I was surprised. I am a bit .. umm squeamish when it comes to things like that. I have never been able to watch scenes in films where someone commits suicide by cutting their own wrists. It would make me turn away and feel sick. Or turn the channel over, if it was on TV, for a few seconds before turning back hoping it was over.

So yeah .. I ended up doing this but .. I could never pluck up the courage to do this .. properly, so to speak. Still .. I have ended up doing this several times to my wrists alone. The top of my left arm too, which was the very first place.

But then .. there is a point when you notice that people .. well .. notice. That was a shocker and embarrassing moment for me and I never even considered this possibility or that it would be .. embarrassing. Go figure.

So now and on odd mornings I sit in the local park with a drink and a rare bite to eat .. normally a Wispa Chocolate Bar and a Taurine drink, Monster or Emerge. I watch the buses that circle the park loaded with people or watch the people that frequent the park. There is one guy on a motorised scooter that always seems to be there. I look and study the people in the park and watch the people sitting on their seats aboard the buses. I find myself wondering what they know of this country and this world and wonder of they are aware that should anything bad transpire they would just be cast aside like old tyres? That if their health should suffer they would be lied to, cheated and fobbed off while expected to carry on working no matter what adverse effects this may have on their health. I wonder as to those that do suffer with something but have jobs that do not cause them too much difficulties and I oh so envy these faceless people. I wonder what the reactions would be if that group of people riding the bus suddenly realised the realities that surround them? Would they shake in fear or scream in anger? Would they do that which most have done and simply disbelieve? Up until now a great many have chosen not to believe and for many different reasons, no doubt? But why would they do this? Why would they ignore the things that are seriously and morally wrong until such a time that it affects them? Maybe people are gamblers and gamble on the belief that it would never happen to them? Maybe at the time they feel as fit as a fiddle? That in feeling this way .. this .. good that it is impossible to imagine ever feeling as bad as someone like me?

Yeah. Each time I have gotten out of this anxiety slumber I genuinely though that each tie I survived it would never ever occur again. I was wrong. Right up until last June, 2017 and I really, REALLY thought that this would never happen to me again despite the number of times I have been like this in the past. I .. was .. WRONG.

Maybe people believe the many hack scientists that like to wax lyrical about what a miracle the human body is in documentaries? They are all wrong.

THE SOUND OF DUCKS

I have been searching for sometime now on and off to discover why I might not be absorbing magnesium into my body. This was diagnosed three or four years ago, that I have a magnesium problem, and I have been getting signs that there is more to it but ignored this as I thought it was my memory issues.

The fact I have memory issues is even more of a reason as to why these things should have been checked out but instead was ignored by the NHS to save money!

In fact after a discussion with a friend of mine who suffers from Type 1 Diabetes he told me that in recent years he does not even bother seeing his Doctor because every time he ever complains about anything his response is always “Oh it is your Diabetes causing it” ..

There are so many things wrong with that crap and this attitude that I do not even know where to begin?!

As I said to my friend ..

“Fuck me, they can't say that! They are GENERAL Pratitioners and are not specialists and nor do they posses the x-ray vision I am always accusing them of thinking that they posses! This could and probably has caused many deaths and who the fuck is going to be around to check this and stop this?!”

They spent years forst getting my Fibromyalgia wrong, then realising that I had it and then started to lie to me and then when I realised that I had it then lied to prevent me from being diagnosed. The fucking moment that they did admit that I had it everything fucking else, just like my diabetic friend, always drew the response ..

“Oh .. it is your Fibromyalgia” ..

.. even high blood pressure and so I did not get a referral .. despite the fact that having Fibromyalgia does not make high blood pressure any less deadly!

Hypomagnesimia .. also deadly .. more so than high blood pressure and guess how many referrals I got for that? None! I did not even get warned it was fucking deadly!!

Anyway .. enough of that ranting .. I FINALLY discovered some details regarding malabsorption of magnesium due to having two pills in twelve hours, three in twenty four and my thighs still aching ..

No doubt if I ever see a Doctor again, which I doubt, they will roll their eyes at me because I am supposed to and fully expected to believe ehtir bullshit and lies .. because them being overpaid to do fucking nothing is more important than people's lives and those poor unfortunate people relying on what little is left of the welfare system.

So here is a list of things that can cause the malabsorption of magnesium .. if it states Behcet's Disease in this list I am gonna flip!

Possible Causes of Hypomagnesemia ..

• Crohn's Disease
• Celiac sprue
• Whipple's Disease
• Short Bowel Disease
• Intestinal Mucosal Disease
• Cystic Fibrosis
• Cholestatic Liver Disease (from Behcet's?)
• Pancreatic Insufficiency
• Intestinal lymphangiectasia (WTF?)
• Radiation enteritis
• Systematic mastocytosis
• Terminal Ileal Disease (?)
• Tubular Disorders
• Congenital renal (kidney) magnesium wasting (Behcet's?)
• Interstitial nephretitis
• Acute Tubular Necrosis
• Kidney Transplant
• Renal Tubular Acidosis
• Bartter's Syndrome (Well I seem to have a collection of these damn syndromes they deliberately ignore?!)

Now to make this whole thing about Hypomagnesemia complete .. the symptoms ..

• Neurological
• Behavioural Disturbances (Yes)
• Irritability and anxiety (God yes)
• Lethargy (God yes)
• Impaired Memory and cognitive function (God yes)
• Anorexia or Loss of Appetite (WTF?! Your joking, right?!)
• Nausea and Vomiting (ooh great! Yes))
• Seizures (ooh great! Yes and yet another one they lied about)

• Muscular
• Weakness (Yes)
• Muscle Spasms (God Yes)
• Tics ( I don't think so)
• Muscle Cramps (ooh great! YES)
• Hyperactive reflexes (No idea)
• Impaired Muscle Coordination (ataxia)
• Tremors (ooh great! Yes!)
• Involuntary Eye Movements and Vertigo (ooh great. Yes)
• Difficulty Swallowing (ooh great. Yes)

• Metabolic
• Increased Intracellular Calcium
• Hyperglycemia (No I think)
• Calcium Deficiency (No idea .. oh wait .. Osteopenia?)
• Potassium Deficiency (brings on Sudden Death Syndrome)

• Cardiovascular
• Irregular Heart Beats (Yes)
  • Had over eighteen months .. recently discovered its the low magnesium which was discovered three years ago plus
• Coronary Spasms (no idea)

Funny really recently reading that report that stated that a collection of Doctors had stated, maybe to government or the NHS, that there has been a sharp rise in patients with a combined series of physical pains and mental health problems. At a time when even Doctors and Pharmacists have admitted to me that the NHS and the government are going well out of their way to ignore people's health problems.

One pharmacist in Enfield shook his head when he admitted this to me and said ..

“This will be a time bomb waiting to go off and go off it will down the road!”

When I asked him how he knew they was doing this he said that for many months they had noticed that way, way less prescriptions were coming through the door and that they were throwing away a hell of a lot of money in drugs because of their use-by dates. Due to this and the cost that he said all pharmacists were enduring, guess they are not good enough to save money for, they are now not ordering in a lot of frugs they would previously stock.

Ooh .. dear.

That conversation took place around two years ago and God knows how long that had been going on for. I was annoyed for not even thinking about this aspect of the cutbacks and not asking a pharmacist sooner. I could literally have walked into every pharmacy with a recorder in my pocket and sparked up a conversation and just collated all the recordings?!

Hmm .. maybe someone else is already doing this?

Maybe someone out there might start to do this?!

Causes of Hypomagnesemia

https://www.ancient-minerals.com/magnesium-deficiency/causes-depletion/

Symptoms of Low Magnesium or Hypomagnesemia ..

https://www.ancient-minerals.com/magnesium-deficiency/symptoms-signs/

BURDENS

Well .. I did suspect something a few weeks ago but thought that with my memory problems and the hectic nature that is my life that I had made a mistake. It seems I had not.

As I have stated I have a vitamin deficiency. One that I thought was complete tosh when it was first put to me but after doing as instructed turned out to be true.

For several years after I continued to buy my own bloody pills for this and take them and was mostly OK other than the odd times.

Recently I had a few issues .. well the one and only issue I thought it was causing which was pains in both thighs. I did not know about the other things it was behind until I looked up what the dangers were if I was unable to take the pills. Living on the street .. you have no money and you have no GP .. among other things. I was not aware of these things until recently.

Now I have had the painful thighs several times and I thought I must have forgotten to take the magnesium, naturally? Though at the time I seemed pretty sure I had taken them that day but as I was feeling the intense pain assumed my memory was playing games with me. One of the pitfalls of needing so many pills and having memory issues to go with it. There are a lot more issues besides, trust me on that.

But yesterday I had painful thighs once again and I was also sure once again that I had taken my pill that morning. So last night I took another one as my thighs were had been increasingly aching. Only it is till morning and my legs are aching. I have just taken another pill so that is three within twenty four hours. Oh dear.

After my recent and, to one extent, shocking HMCTS court hearing judgement I have given up on this country and all its corrupt public services from the NHS and all through the others to the PHSO and all through the other ombudsman.

I am done with utter wankers telling me how my body is, what I am capable of doing and what I do and do not deserve.

I had actually gone right off food a couple of weeks ago and after I lost about a stone I realised that there could be some benefits to going this route. The loss of weight would reduce some of my symptoms while others I simply do not know.

• Less weight means less energy used
• Less weight on my feet, which hurt, and my right knee
• Also means no heartburn once below a certain weight

I am fed up with everything else too ..

• The dreaded Anxiety
• Phobias that seem to come and go
• Toothaches
• Eye irritation
• Memory Loss
• Right knee pain, actually playing up last two days
• EDIT: Oh yeah the over-heating in the warmer months .. forgot about that & probably others

Then of course there is the ..

• Boredom
• Homelessness
• Constant prevention or halting of doing what I enjoy, find therapeutic and counts to working for myself, with the Job Centres and DWP's previous agreement and approval

Oddly enough I tried to sort this out about the NHS some years ago .. I recorded loads of admissions, lies, falsifications of test results, admission of falsifications of test results recorded, false accusations made against me that would not stick which was first madness and then violence.

I went through the procedure that they insist everyone goes through ..

Now make no mistake .. if you rely on the NHS and suspect your being fucked over or someone that you care about is this is what your going to have to go through .. trust me they will INSIST upon it ..

• Complain to the manager of your GP Practice
• Once completed complain to the Primary Care Trust
• Once complete complain the NHS England
• Once completed complain to the Parliamentary Health Services Ombudsman

I did all that.

I realised at the end the PHSO was just as corrupt as everyone before it and the PHSO is the last line you can go to.

I can also tell you that the PHSO investigated for two years alone. That does not include all the time taken to go through all of the previous procedures. Just the PHSO. Two years plus. Sooo ..

• Why is there a Statute of Limitations on legal proceedings towards the NHS?!

That Statute of Limitation is something like two or three years .. but you have just had two years wasted by the PHSO alone not to mention every other fucking avenue you had to bark your way down beforehand.

The general public are also not Doctors and not supposed to try and diagnose yourselves, fuck me the patronizing twats roll their eyes at you if you even mention the word 'Googled'!

Mention to them that you went to an alternative specialist and they love using the word 'quack'.

Funny how they never mention the words 'fobbed' or 'off' or 'liars' or 'lying twats'.

I also find it highly offensive that people hate the idea of the welfare state and yet say nothing with all these exposures of public services lying, cheating and hiding money away in far off banks. Like that one in Iceland that went down like a lead balloon a few years back.

I mean .. your perfectly OK with the taxpayers paying a huge health service who are knowingly lying about patients health which DOES cause all three of pain, suffering and DEATH?! Your fucking both mad and blind if you do.

I also find it laughable that this so-called institution which has been exposed time after time is being applauded lately.

When I first informed all of the national newspapers of what was going on along with four TV News channels six or seven years ago now with four DVDs crammed full I told them that this was going on everywhere. Certainly everywhere in England, I could not speak for Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland. There have been some signs recently that it is going on in Scotland and Northern Ireland though no signs yet for Wales.

Since I posted that petition against the Parliamentary Health Services Ombudsman more and more people have been signing it just form my posts alone. I posted it on my wall and also a few choice NHS complaints pages. I posted it on here as well as other .. sites. There have been a few people that have stated that they were clearly lied to by the PHSO and that things were obviously a cover up!

Ooh .. funny as all these people are always condescending and patronizing to the point where any fool would think that they are of some higher intelligence, or at least order, than you .. yet when they lie about names never having worked for them you would think that they would realise that they was putting their staff names in their fucking email addresses?! Yeah .. more intelligent my fucking arse!!

So they are condescending and patronizing and yet are less intelligent than your average Joe? So what does that leave? A higher form of species or order? Oh I am sure that if David Icke ever reads this he will have a field day with the former?! So that leaves .. order? A higher order? Maybe. But not fucking idiot receptionists who also behave like they are of some higher order or even that they themselves are fucking Doctors or specialists. No .. your just a pen pusher and fucking bad ones at that in my experience of over half a dozen GP surgeries and the same amount of hospitals.

Oh and .. it has not even been twenty four hours since I posted that PHSO page and someone else has turned up regarding their own experiences and guess what? They have a webpage!

http://phsothefacts.com/

.. and another ..

https://phsothetruestory.com/2017/04/19/welcome-mr-behrens-here-is-your-starter-for-10-question/

That .. petition ..

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/212437Justice

In the meantime I am deliberating whether to video myself as I lose weight and do a short talk and post this onto my YouTube account and link the video into this blog?

I am put off by the idea in all honesty and have been deliberating about this for well over a week now!

As far as the corruption right across the boards are concerned and the 'amorals' and the 'sandheads' that pay no account? Well .. the way I always saw it is that if I could keep on, prove and encourage others to prove that the NHS was just as rotten as I said then .. not a single stretch at all to realise it all is. All ombudsman too.

I also thought that if I could show to some degree that one court is, would be impossible to prove all, then once again .. anything else reported to be corrupted and lying to the British Public? A .. lot .. more .. believable.

A HARD FOUR DAYS

I want to get something out just for the record ..

.. just in case anything was to happen.

I was forced into a situation that was supposed to be just two days and ended up at four days. I also ended up spending that time with someone .. which was pretty much unavoidable.

The only place near here where I can relax and do the things that I have been doing for years and did not do much of all last year is the only place this other person like to frequent. The one time I went down there on my own I managed to bump into them in no time at all. So after thinking that I would be down there on my own that lasted, very literally, all of five minutes of arriving.

Now this person should be an adult .. but often does not behave like one.

Your not allowed to talk about anything they do not want to talk about and even when your talking about the things that they do .. they can get irritable over something that you have said and they get snappy and sarcastic.

If that is not annoying enough .. sometimes they start talking about the things they do not want you talking about, like complaining about a certain someone, and then when you want to get your two penneth in they then cut you off, complain that they are getting pissed off and depressed and do not want to talk about it any longer. Mid sentence. Yah .. really.

On the second or third day .. we bumped into a couple of guys that he knows .. only knows in respect to bumping into. Not knows to the point of going round for an evening for coffee and a chat, you understand. The first guy we bumped into mentioned a protest he was either at or saw on the Internet that I had watched a video about the night before. I mentioned this in a previous post but I left out one small detail. This is politics and a subject that the person I had to spend the time with does not like. Me and Brian chatted quite a lot about this and I could tell that the person I was with did not like and and knowing them .. was probably getting pissed off. He gets pissed off very easily and a few others would testify to that. Very, very easily pissed off and cannot stop himself from being quite sarcastic to the point in the end where you want to thump him.

He is also impatient .. something that another member of the family has complained about for years and he will often just walk off leaving you standing there.

Just like the one other person in this house that should .. they also have not asked a single time about my daughter and as I am talking about my mother and a brother and my daughter has cervical cancer you would think that this was a given. But .. no.

Nothing was said about this .. conversation about politics.

Yesterday I had two weird moments..

First I was filming a Dunnock, a bird, which I later uploaded to my YouTube channel and the last words I heard were “I cannot get it to focus” on trying to get a picture with a Sony camera .. WHICH I GAVE HIM! He had obviously wanted to move on because as I finished filming and just prior to taking a few more shots .. he looked like he was half a mile away near a bend in the path.

Now remember .. I have several things wrong with me.

I took a few more shots and started walking where I last see him but he was gone. At the point where he was there was two different paths and a bridge so could have gone one of three ways. I went one and before long had a choice of two paths once again. I chose another one and before long I had another two. Then another two. I was in Walthamstow Marshes and walking towards Coppermill Lane and I know he always likes going to Walthamstow Wetlands so I headed there. No sign of him. I sat on the edge of a reservoir doing some photography for awhile before moving off. I had decided at this point that if he was going to be childish so be it and I would be more than happy to spend the day on my own .. doing my own thing as I have always done. Only now I am aware of this low magnesium thing possibly resulting in me needing hospital care. Even this Sudden Death thing I read about. Heart palpitations, Calcification of the arteries or blood supply and they already detected heart wall hardening well over a year ago, maybe two? But at least I did not have my expensive camera with me so that if I collapsed someone would not steal it. If I lost that .. I would rather be dead.

I had also wanted to go back to a spot where I had seen some Grey Wagtails and a Reed Bunting where I also had a chance of seeing a Kingfisher. Eventually I did that.

While sitting at this other location over a mile from the previous one this person rolls up. He actually makes some excuses about being separated and tries to blame it on me and asks me where I went?! This was so typical of him.

Not wanting an argument and knowing one will most certainly start up I just ignored him and did not state the facts of what happened which would obviously make him look like he was at fault ..

“I did not go ANYWHERE. It was YOU that walked off .. I was standing still filming a Dunnock, how could it have been me?”

Now remember this for later but if I told my mother this I know she would say “Oh he does that with me and moans that I take too long!” because she has told me stories about this.

Now upon coming back here we was at a roundabout where the traffic was horrendous and I turned around and said ..

“Look at this traffic? My cycling around with a ten grand camera on my bike among all this traffic would make me nervous?”

This is not over getting hit by a car, I have done that already. No it is just about the camera getting damaged. So imagine my confusion when he says ..

“Oh I don't give a shit me. I would just take it to Clissold Park and no one would be taking it off me without killing me!” in a sarcastic tone?

I said “What? What has that got to do with anything, I was just talking about the traffic” to which he snapped back “I am just saying, your always worried about the camera!” to which I said “Umm .. do you want to think about what you just said? Your saying that I should take a £10,000 camera to a local park where there is nothing to photograph and get into a fight with half a dozen guys that might decide to mug me? Let is stop playing the hard man for a moment please, I was just saying that because of the camera getting damaged, not stolen!” to which he then said something sarcastic and I said “Well we are very different people you and I” to which he said “Yes” in a sarcastic tone, was walking faster which meant he was pissed off .. yeah HE was pissed off, got on his bike and just fucked off and left me.

There are two in this house that like to switch to their own examples/stories/actions that bear no fucking correlation whatsoever to the subject your talking about and then get ratty with you when your the one confused and asked them why they have done this.

Like a said .. a child.

It made me laugh because he does not talk to strangers like this and if he did talk to either of these two guys like that they simply would not have anything to do with him any longer. But he thinks he is perfect, but complains about this attitude in others, and everyone else is weird. I mean he would not have dared to get annoyed with the other guy who was talking about the state this country was in with me.

So I got back here several minutes after he did.

Last night I was heading down the landing to the toilet when I heard him say “I just spent three days with him doing my head in ..” and did not hear any more than that.

He was telling this to my mother and the only reason I fucking heard it was because another idiot had taken the doors off their hinges downstairs.

The only reason I had to spend four days with him was because the two days I was supposed to be out of here were turned into four. The first day I was told that no one was allowed upstairs .. which was odd because later on I discovered that the two other members of this household spent the day upstairs. I was lied to in other words.

I was also cooked for last night when I had specifically told them not to and after hearing that lie stated felt physically sick and wanted to throw up .. to the point of wanting to make myself throw up.

I had only eaten because I was worried I would get muscles spasms .. due to being forced out and overdoing it .. just to keep others happy who do not give a fucking shit about anyone else but themselves.

In fact I can tell you this much .. I speak, though not to one of them of late, two two people that do not like each other and both have said this ..

They are amazed I have not exploded living here and think that my brother is being deliberately provocative and my mother is deliberately trying to kill me. One of these people know them well and is not related to them while the other one does not know them very much at all while IS related to them.

Needless to say my anxiety came back last night.

So on top of being spoken to like shit as per usual, having an argument start using something completely unrelated to an innocent remark I made. Hips hurting like hell. Calf muscles hurting like hell. Thigh muscles hurting like hell. Sunburnt nose, neck and bottom of my legs. Anxiety playing up on and off. Feet hurting. Tired. Worried like hell and wondering if I am going to get to a God damn court hearing I am hoping will get me out of this hell hole with these cruel and selfish people. Oops .. ranted on a bit there.

Yeah it was tough and now gone back to being borderline unbearable and though it did not need to be I have this awkward situation where the twats stuff is in my room .. yeah figure this ..

I am forced despite my protests to remove my stuff out of my room .. only to replace it with this person's stuff from his room ..

Think about it for a moment? Why?!

Why make an empty space only to fill it with someone else's stuff from their room? I cannot get access to most of my stuff and neither can this other person. Why?! For the fucking love of God, WHY?!

But if you complain about this to the other person he pulls his usual trick ..

“Oh you just have to go along with it just to keep the peace or you end up getting it in the neck. Don't complain about it or I will not hear the end of it!”

But I have heard him have a dig at my mother over pathetic things, though she is no fucking angel, believe me or ask her cousin, Anne. Or ask my sister. Or my other brother who wont talk to her at all. In fact I am sure it was over .. ketchup? Something to do with dinner I think? It was something menial that is for sure.

My God .. are there no hippy communes full of tinfoil hatters out there that are all computer whizzes? I would like to live in a community like that .. in a country setting would be even better!

No Hare-Kirshna communes though! Or other weird cults.

EDIT: Oh and I forgot a fifth thing. When this guy Brian asked about us getting home I told him it was OK because we had workmen in the house .. I was later digged at and told not to talk about that with him?!

Yeah .. I am deadly serious .. see my memory? I had forgotten about that one! Lol.

Oh and he has never had anything expensive so he has no fucking idea how he would be with a £10,000 camera on him in a local park!

He is also not a Doctor, not the smartest cookie in the jar, never even spoken to a Doctor but made it abundantly clear in yet another dig that "I do NOT have Fibromyalgia" and even said that I did not at one stage .. stating, clearly it was my age?!

Like I said .. fucking infuriating.