THE FOCUSED MIND

Was trying to read about metallic hydrogen.

Good God, the human mind is a temperamental beast!

It's so hard to do anything when your mind is constantly being torn in different directions.

It's also impossible to get to grips with this when you have seemingly impossible hurdles that are numerous and a thousand things racing through your mind.

I was given a film weeks ago and the other day I was asked if I had watched it ..

"The blu-ray player hasn't even been plugged in for three months now!" I replied.

We talked about music too and I forget if I mentioned but .. I found my music player I haven't seen for more than six months in a place of checked three times or more?! Yeah .. as I said .. the mind is a God damn pain in the arse in my case and for many reasons. In to the next bit ..

I told them that lately I was not calm or relaxed enough to even enjoy music. Christ I have a hard enough time even focusing on a simple short TV episode!

Gaming?! Yeah .. forget it!

What I do manage to do but I end up giving up is uploading photographs of mine to try and sell. But this in itself is a long, laborious and in my opinion, unfair process. It's also a very bad process in each case. Oh I'm sure the hosts think they are professional, are doing it right and their websites are great? But .. no!

In fact I got very almost completely rejected by one site who only approved one single solitary photo out of two dozen. Umm .. the one photo accepted was the one photo I was sure would be rejected?!

That was Adobe Stock, formerly Folio, and to be fair because of the lower pay I thought I could get away with photographs I wasn't so keen on myself. Turned out neither were they. I was just thinking about having a wider selection of photos across several sites. Well .. three sites in actual fact.

I was curious about the rejection and the reasons sooo .. I thought I would put something to the test?

I picked photos that have been accepted by a site many place at the top of their lists. I wondered if the two sites might treat the photos differently? If they did then you know I'm going to have to ask why this is?!

I wondered, after being even further down about it all day a few days back, if I was going to the wrong sites?

I post process many pictures to make something look interesting. I might add softness on rare occasions, normally flowers. I mostly go for different tones in a black and white image. Sometimes I go artistic by posterising the picture. If I play around and don't like it then I don't convert it to a jpeg.

Maybe when I do this they are no longer classes as photos? I was rather surprised none insisted on uploading the original RAW file too.

I did start trying to look for sites that sell illustrations and artistic pictures though I can't see my post-processed pictures falling into either category. I also was having focus and anxiety issues and gave up after a few minutes. My fingers were having difficulties touching the damn touchpad again too.

To be honest and I thought that after my last outing getting photographs that I would have had two or three days out by now but I haven't.

Well this is to do with my health and those health conditions being aggravated by the public services. Intentional or otherwise.

In fact so many things seem to happen at just the wrong time that even my daughter now believes it is all by design.

In fact she realises it's just like this with her too now and has been for a long time.

She's sorry she didn't believe and trust me ten years ago. Two of her friends have said that since I returned to London.

Each of us having a horrific life story to tell which combined .. blows many stories out of the water.

The shear suffering, actions against us, the longevity of this whole thing and the fact that children are suffering too. So bad was it that many didn't believe it for many years. In some cases many, many years.

Yet we both at our worst points right now and with something going on for days I know no details about it's .. pretty .. bad.

I didn't eat again last night .. still no idea what I weigh currently but I saw my hip bone sticking out while lying on my side. That's a first .. I think.

My heart is playing it's tricks and my anxiety is doing it's thing too.

What was I doing and saying? Ooh yeah, metallic hydrogen. Interesting stuff if I could focus on the more complex parts of the damn report!

Good God I really, really hate feeling like this. I am not able enough to do many things. Have too many things to do. Can't god damn remember half the time. It would be easier and a lot more peaceful if I just died.

I do have someone to ring for help, though I very much doubt I'll get the correct help?

But I've not been able to make that call because there's been a real and present danger of something happening out of the blue. I just do not know what that is.

This might mean I have no choice but to travel and I'm fucking scared about that. Talking just around London here too, as stupid add that sounds.

I also think about how little help I've had, despite the promises, and that if I'm getting worse what will the future be like even in just five years?

Fucking terrifying is what.

At times like these, which sadly is most days, you get the odd flutter in the chest but every now and then it's .. boom!

In fact there's even different types of 'boom' that go on with my heart.

• One I'm sure it's caused by Anxiety
• One I'm sure it's caused by Tachycardia
• One I'm sure it's caused by Palpitations

If they aren't bad enough the sudden lack of energy is even worse. If you've ever been any sort of athlete and also experienced hitting that physical wall then it's just like that. Your legs just don't want to work and regardless of where you are you just want to lay down. Here where I currently am it's impossible to go absolutely anywhere and just lay down.

I use to know that living in the countryside would help me a great deal with my symptoms, not to mention my photography. Now it seems like an unreachable necessity.

Though after recent incidents I'm still not even sure if I'd cope?!

And that's just a tiny insight into what scrambles my brain on a daily basis.

Made worse by the stupid, naive and purely moronic suggestions I get off people on how to deal with this.

Many fail to see the issues. Some fail to see you can't fight chemicals out of balance biologically or health conditions.

They think there is some magic switch which is exactly the way the powers that be in this country want them to think.

It's also why a quarter of a million people have died and continue to die.

That's the hardest part for me. All those deaths and the attitudes are still 'fuck you' more or less.

Yeah well if that's your attitude give me fecking pill to end it humanely.

That way your saving money .. oh no wait I don't fucking receive any money. At all!

Yeah because I'm sure me disappearing and my blogs ceasing will allow them to sleep better at night.

Well .. saying that in discovering a lot of people trying to go after the real truths and publish and talk about them just as I've been doing? So maybe they might sleep just a little bit better than they did previously if I disappeared overnight?