THE FOCUSED MIND

Was trying to read about metallic hydrogen.

Good God, the human mind is a temperamental beast!

It's so hard to do anything when your mind is constantly being torn in different directions.

It's also impossible to get to grips with this when you have seemingly impossible hurdles that are numerous and a thousand things racing through your mind.

I was given a film weeks ago and the other day I was asked if I had watched it ..

"The blu-ray player hasn't even been plugged in for three months now!" I replied.

We talked about music too and I forget if I mentioned but .. I found my music player I haven't seen for more than six months in a place of checked three times or more?! Yeah .. as I said .. the mind is a God damn pain in the arse in my case and for many reasons. In to the next bit ..

I told them that lately I was not calm or relaxed enough to even enjoy music. Christ I have a hard enough time even focusing on a simple short TV episode!

Gaming?! Yeah .. forget it!

What I do manage to do but I end up giving up is uploading photographs of mine to try and sell. But this in itself is a long, laborious and in my opinion, unfair process. It's also a very bad process in each case. Oh I'm sure the hosts think they are professional, are doing it right and their websites are great? But .. no!

In fact I got very almost completely rejected by one site who only approved one single solitary photo out of two dozen. Umm .. the one photo accepted was the one photo I was sure would be rejected?!

That was Adobe Stock, formerly Folio, and to be fair because of the lower pay I thought I could get away with photographs I wasn't so keen on myself. Turned out neither were they. I was just thinking about having a wider selection of photos across several sites. Well .. three sites in actual fact.

I was curious about the rejection and the reasons sooo .. I thought I would put something to the test?

I picked photos that have been accepted by a site many place at the top of their lists. I wondered if the two sites might treat the photos differently? If they did then you know I'm going to have to ask why this is?!

I wondered, after being even further down about it all day a few days back, if I was going to the wrong sites?

I post process many pictures to make something look interesting. I might add softness on rare occasions, normally flowers. I mostly go for different tones in a black and white image. Sometimes I go artistic by posterising the picture. If I play around and don't like it then I don't convert it to a jpeg.

Maybe when I do this they are no longer classes as photos? I was rather surprised none insisted on uploading the original RAW file too.

I did start trying to look for sites that sell illustrations and artistic pictures though I can't see my post-processed pictures falling into either category. I also was having focus and anxiety issues and gave up after a few minutes. My fingers were having difficulties touching the damn touchpad again too.

To be honest and I thought that after my last outing getting photographs that I would have had two or three days out by now but I haven't.

Well this is to do with my health and those health conditions being aggravated by the public services. Intentional or otherwise.

In fact so many things seem to happen at just the wrong time that even my daughter now believes it is all by design.

In fact she realises it's just like this with her too now and has been for a long time.

She's sorry she didn't believe and trust me ten years ago. Two of her friends have said that since I returned to London.

Each of us having a horrific life story to tell which combined .. blows many stories out of the water.

The shear suffering, actions against us, the longevity of this whole thing and the fact that children are suffering too. So bad was it that many didn't believe it for many years. In some cases many, many years.

Yet we both at our worst points right now and with something going on for days I know no details about it's .. pretty .. bad.

I didn't eat again last night .. still no idea what I weigh currently but I saw my hip bone sticking out while lying on my side. That's a first .. I think.

My heart is playing it's tricks and my anxiety is doing it's thing too.

What was I doing and saying? Ooh yeah, metallic hydrogen. Interesting stuff if I could focus on the more complex parts of the damn report!

Good God I really, really hate feeling like this. I am not able enough to do many things. Have too many things to do. Can't god damn remember half the time. It would be easier and a lot more peaceful if I just died.

I do have someone to ring for help, though I very much doubt I'll get the correct help?

But I've not been able to make that call because there's been a real and present danger of something happening out of the blue. I just do not know what that is.

This might mean I have no choice but to travel and I'm fucking scared about that. Talking just around London here too, as stupid add that sounds.

I also think about how little help I've had, despite the promises, and that if I'm getting worse what will the future be like even in just five years?

Fucking terrifying is what.

At times like these, which sadly is most days, you get the odd flutter in the chest but every now and then it's .. boom!

In fact there's even different types of 'boom' that go on with my heart.

• One I'm sure it's caused by Anxiety
• One I'm sure it's caused by Tachycardia
• One I'm sure it's caused by Palpitations

If they aren't bad enough the sudden lack of energy is even worse. If you've ever been any sort of athlete and also experienced hitting that physical wall then it's just like that. Your legs just don't want to work and regardless of where you are you just want to lay down. Here where I currently am it's impossible to go absolutely anywhere and just lay down.

I use to know that living in the countryside would help me a great deal with my symptoms, not to mention my photography. Now it seems like an unreachable necessity.

Though after recent incidents I'm still not even sure if I'd cope?!

And that's just a tiny insight into what scrambles my brain on a daily basis.

Made worse by the stupid, naive and purely moronic suggestions I get off people on how to deal with this.

Many fail to see the issues. Some fail to see you can't fight chemicals out of balance biologically or health conditions.

They think there is some magic switch which is exactly the way the powers that be in this country want them to think.

It's also why a quarter of a million people have died and continue to die.

That's the hardest part for me. All those deaths and the attitudes are still 'fuck you' more or less.

Yeah well if that's your attitude give me fecking pill to end it humanely.

That way your saving money .. oh no wait I don't fucking receive any money. At all!

Yeah because I'm sure me disappearing and my blogs ceasing will allow them to sleep better at night.

Well .. saying that in discovering a lot of people trying to go after the real truths and publish and talk about them just as I've been doing? So maybe they might sleep just a little bit better than they did previously if I disappeared overnight?

THE MAGNESIUM EFFECT

Right then? A magnesium deficiency and what it can cause?

Now remember .. I was diagnosed as possibly having a magnesium deficiency around three or four years ago. I was told to buy Vit ABC+ from Holland & Barrett which I did, despite not believing the incredible pains in my thighs were a Vitamin deficiency. The next conversation I had with Dr Andrew Theivendra, who left the practice two years ago give or take a few months, involved me admitting I had my doubts but that the vitamin pills worked. Me admitting I was wrong. Does happen. These pains has been going on for a few years before they got bad enough for me to ask as is always the case with me. Annoys me because I never go straight away, go at the eleventh hour and then spend a year or two getting fobbed off. Then down the line I realised I was also being lied to. Go figure.

Fast forward a few years and suddenly I am having all these heart and chest things going on I do not understand and, never ringing '999' I get dragged into hospital several times.

Now I know that the deficiency was behind the thigh pains but I had absolutely no idea about the rest in the lists below.

You will note that some symptoms on the lists below I have been having a lot longer then three or four years? Well it now looks like they are all linked to this magnesium deficiency .. only the heart palpitations do not stop, .. umm I think, when I take magnesium supplements but the thigh pain does. Most of the time but sometimes the heart does behave for a few days at a time. Or at least did a few months ago.

The fact that the heart played up sometimes and not others may be down to the levels of magnesium in that I might have eaten foods with a high quantity of it and that along with the pills calmed the palpitations down? A possibility.

Things I did know about and points ..

• Muscles can hurt from magnesium deficiency
• Was originally given Quinine Sulphate for a fair old while
• Was then told, three GP s back, to buy Vit ABC+ from Holland & Barrett (for over 2 years)

Did not know about but which I have experienced

• Anxiety Attacks (Daughter might have)
• Panic Attacks
• Bowel Disease?
• Cystitis
• Depression (Daughter has too)
• Fatigue (Daughter has too)
• Hypertension (Stage 2 and Crisis)
• Heart Disease
• Cramps (Night Cramps)
• Fibromyalgia (Comes from?)
• Insomnia (Daughter has too)
• Tooth Decay
• Seizures
• Numbness & Tingling
• Abnormal Heart Rhythms (Daughter has too)
• Personality Changes
• Memory Function (2nd link below)(Daughter has too)
• Osteoporosis (diagnosed with Osteopenia)
• Mental Disorders

Others I am not affected by as far as I know..

• Liver & Kidney Disease (Daughter might have)
• Hyperglycemia
• Detoxification
• Blood Clots (Daughter has)
• Migraine (Daughter has)
• Diabetes (A Diabetic friend was convinced I did have years ago)
• Asthma (Daughter has)
• Raynaud's Syndrome (Do not know what it is)
• Coronary Spasms
• Cancer was mentioned .. increased risk? (Daughter has)
• Sudden Death (obviously not just yet)

Other notes

• Magnesium levels can be tested but they have not done this as far as I know (no blood taken)

So I have to ask myself if there is some problem with my body processing/absorbing the magnesium and been trying to find out if there is an issue that exists that affects this process.

This is because of what should be plainly obvious ..

• I am already taking magnesium pills and still having issues!

To think I could have had this all in hand for years if only they had bothered to .. investigate?! I am so bloody angry about this right now and it is probably just as well I do not have a GP because I would have a few choice words to say about them and the NHS.

I have bene trying to find something that I caught sight of that said something about some disorder to do with the uptake of magnesium and wondered if I had that

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/01/19/magnesium-deficiency.aspx

http://www.lifeextension.com/magazine/2008/5/Magnesium-Widespread-Deficiency-With-Deadly-Consequences/Page-01

Sudden Death article from the USA's answer to the NHS, the National Institute of Health ..

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1636608

YET ANOTHER NHS FAILURE

Well what do you know?

I am worried about pain .. if I am living on the streets or in care because I get terrible pain in my thighs, among other places. This seems to be a deficiency in magnesium though we cannot really call it a deficiency. Because that seems to suggest that I am not eating enough .. which would imply less than is normal. Except there is nothing normal about this.

When they start to hurt they .. well .. hurt .. a lot. They also get worse with each day I do not take any magnesium supplements.

So I looked into this a little bit and what do I find?

The magnesium deficiency might be behind my heart palpitations?!

Fuck me .. you might think that all the times I was dragged into hospitals that someone might have mentioned this?! I have been in A&E two or three times and attended three hospital appointments and chastised for missing one. Though it was my health that caused me to miss that last one.

Yeah .. complain that a patient does not make a hospital appointment because of health problems they have ignored for two decades and it turns out that it was something so fucking obvious and worse still .. they were ALREADY aware of it?!

Un .. believable!

Turns out it has a negative effect for anxiety too?!

I often wondered if there might have been more than one thing affecting my anxiety because it is just so bloody powerful. Hence the self-harming.

I just cannot believe that after being told about the magnesium deficiency over three years ago that they failed to make the connection to anything else?! I just thought it was behind the severe aching in my thigh muscles. That had started out as an ache now and then but became much more frequent to the point I complained about it. So probably about four or five years ago is started. The heart palpitations started about eighteen months to two years ago so I made no connection at all. Of course it did not help that I was not made aware that a magnesium deficiency has other negative effects.

Hypertension, depression, heart disease, insomnia, nerve problems (have trouble touching things with my finger tips at times) .. ooh crap .. it mentions Fibromyalgia?! Numbness and tingling? I was asked y a Chiropractor about this who was shocked the NHS never asked me anything along these lines. Tooth decay?! Jesus H. Christ! Muscle cramps, back pain and now .. I am .. angry!

Edit: Sudden death is one and one I was kinda checking on, see the last link. Nice .. if I had dropped dead in front of my daughter and grandchildren in the four months I was up there?! Nice, NHS!

I went through years of pain, extreme anxiety, self-harming and memory loss and all of that could have been down to a simple fucking vitamin deficiency?! You have got to be joking?!

Now I am wondering how much damage has been done by them not seeing what was fucking staring them in the face the whole bloody time?

There is also a test for magnesium deficiency but according to the first link below it is not always revealing.

Still does not explain how the chiropractor showed me several collapsed discs after performing an x-ray while standing upright and then, three or four years later, NHS deliberately x-ray me in a foetal position on my side for the same area, which oddly enough showed nothing.

EDIT: The worst part about all this is they tell you not to look on the Internet or roll their eyes at you when you tell them they have. Condescending morons. Yeah .. well will continue to ignore the Internet while you continue to either lie to us or not inform us of the whole story!

EDIT 2: Weaken your bones? I was shocked when they stated I had Osteopenia a couple years back. They still did not pick up on the magnesium deficiency.

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/01/19/magnesium-deficiency.aspx

For more on magnesium deficiency ..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnesium_deficiency_(medicine)

More in the Daily Mail ..

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-5250109/Nine-symptoms-magnesium-deficiency.html

Magnesium Deficiency and Sudden Death?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1636608

MERRY GO HEALTH

I am somewhat .. concerned.

The temperature has risen faster than I can handle and I have currently not slept all night .. at all and when I state 'not a wink' I really do mean it!

I had managed to do three photo shoots since Sunday. One was at a Gardening Club and I went with someone else in their car. Still missed 25% of stuff with my .. edginess over pain.

Went out by bus somewhere and over did it two days later.

With another days gap in-between I was undecided and worried about getting to two places nearby .. figured first one was only short bus ride and I can always come back. Tried to get to Alexandra Palace but only made it to Finsbury Park. Then had trouble coming back.

I had a series of chest attacks and lost count of the number of times I stopped and was either bent over my walking stick, waiting for the palpitations to dissipate or sitting down and even lying down at one point waiting for the same.

I do not know how but I got back to where I am staying .. sorry as I can not bring myself to call it home .. it is the house from hell in all manner of ways, stressing me out and .. a 6ft by 9ft room that does me little favours.

But at least I got out!

I had planed to try and get to Alexandra Palace today but .. if I was unsure before it is an absolute definite now! No effing way!

Bah humbug!

Also if this insomnia becomes a permanent presence as it was for several years .. several years back I am screwed ..

.. because I wont make it to the court hearing and will lose because I have not turned up .. despite turning up to the lest one, the three before that and even turned up one day when there was not a court hearing on?! I was a week early. Did not know I actually had memory problems back then, well I .. did or rather, that they were linked to a condition called Fibromyalgia.

Still any excuse to railroad any of us ..

• Oh you did not win because you did not turn up ..
• Oh you did not win BECAUSE you turned up and are therefore fit

Oddly the people supposedly helping me .. have not said a single thing to me about challenging this no-win situation which surely cannot be legal?!

So along with the usual feet thing my back and shoulders have been killing me some days .. anxiety is killing me, heart palpitations and tightness and now Sleepless in Seattle, except without a sniff of a beautiful caring and intelligent woman, all over again?

Oh how I thought it would be cool to have something happen to me like Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail? Except when it did it was .. violent. Yeah .. unfortunately for the NHS this was not me but my ex who used to love to just attack me, even with heavy and sharp objects. I ran away so quick I left a car behind I could not get to start!

More like Sleepless in Hell and You've Got Nails?! Lol.

THE LAST LEG

Oh God what a dreadful morning.

My heart is racing and the palpitations are going through the roof. I feel like I'm on the verge of a damned heart attack!

As they never got to the bottom, or so I believe, of these damn chest issues I simply wouldn't know. I get worried about something happening right now because I don't want to upset my daughter.

But added to this I've been having an issue with my right leg .. partly it's an issue with magnesium deficiency. It so it seemed to until this morning.

I get a tightening in my right calf muscle sometimes that kind of feels like a large stone is wedged breath the skin. A painful one.

This has played to more and more of late and I was forced to dig out a few quinine sulphate tablets I knew I had among my other pills. I've even bought a couple bottles of Magnesium, Calcium and Vitamin D3 pills from Holland & Barrett. Did this a few days back.

But this morning it's bad .. as are the palpitations and racing heart. Christ, I wonder what the hell else is going to occur today?!

Gnomeo & Juliet, the animated movie, was on TV this morning and this has endured from like an hour prior to that starting, was watching something about weird animal behaviour with Chris Packham, and is still affecting me into this next film of Rise Of The Guardians.

Now in the past and at hospital around 6 months or more ago one Doctor seemed concerned about the palpitations but even more so on their duration. I had told a Dr Destempel that it had endured for at least a couple hours one night, until I feel asleep. That statement raised an eyebrow. In fact he looked slightly shocked.

Typical of something happens right at the point when I'm about to attempt to clear another hurdle I hope will be the last.

Typical also that should something happen it's before I got a decent year, or summer, in with shooting with my professional camera.

Typical too that I've sorted out the blog, I believe, and that it should not be long before that finally achieves something?!

Been having these recurring visions of having a heart attack on a bloody bus tomorrow.

Also been thinking of how typical it would be that if all this shit caused the death of me that no one in here would get to know! Well maybe you might .. eventually? If the ownership passed to my daughter in sure she would out something here .. unless all this has had the same effect on her. Which is a much greater possibility than I like to admit to myself.

I have to remember today to get things together for what is coming. I have to get my medical records together. Possibly other things too .. all to do with records. Lol.

My Good God why does life hurt so much?

How can life hurt so much?

How can human being force you through so much pain?! How the hell can health professionals, Doctors and nurses be a party to this?!

It's officially the worst Easter weekend in the history of Easter weekends. Well .. in my history of Easter weekends.

The last and only second Christmas I spent with my daughter, first when she was one, might also be the last?! That's how it feels right now.

Due to the odd feeling, slight pain intense discomfort and the possibility of a spasm that hurts so much you cannot actually speak .. I have used my robe belt as a tournicade on my right calf muscle.

I am going to re-link .. something back into this blog over the next few days .. provided my heart or something else does not give up the ghost, so to speak.

I have not posted any evidence for a fair old while and I do not know if old links are still working, I know of one service that no longer exists.

I had to look this up very recently when I sent someone proof of things I had been involved with in the past and to show that I can prove most things I had said.

Added to this and in recent times readers may have found things that I have done .. questionable but it is how I stated. For arguments sake I stated that it is the public services that set of fears and not people .. or bad people as such. Well .. I can kind of prove that and I will do this in the coming days and once listened to .. there will be no doubt left at all.

It will also go a million miles to show why I have said some things about a certain group of people and you will realise that this same group is literally behind everything I have endured, am enduring and have to endure for the foreseeable future. Quite unfortunately.

Also I had this .. tweet come my way by way of a notification which was about conspiracy theory stuff that was in the tinfoil hat territory. That does not mean to say that anything that sounds like tinfoil hats are involved is therefore not true. But you know what I mean ..

.. especially when they are speaking of stuff that sounds like something from an American Dad episode when they claim that the CIA deliberately give you terrible nightmares, presumably from some contraption or other? He or she mentions MI5 too, oddly enough. Might be how they got linked to me or why the tweet came to my phone?

Hmm I wonder if they have a contraption that sets of anxiety or rapid heart rates?! Anyway ..

What I have are facts .. and predictions.

Upon listening to the upcoming recording there may be those that hear about it after already visiting my blogs that then say "Holy crap! He was telling the truth?!" Lol.

C'est la vie.

In the meantime I will try to not go out of my mind while wondering who in the hell I would contact if I did?!

ANOTHER TIME OF DYING

I decided to type this out even though I did not feel like it.

I had toilet issues last night, did not get much sleep and woke up with stomach pains and ended up in the toilet .. again .. for an hour. I have to go to two hospital appointments today and try and get a hole of the Doctors Surgery.

I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn't. I have felt like .. well I feel like I am dying.

My chest is playing up, my anxiety is playing up .. like bloody hell and I feel rotten from still having this flu.

Normally I would not attend a GP Surgery or a hospital with the flu but .. this is killing me and has dogged me now for three months.

This just is not right.

So I am going to beg the hospital to help me .. because I really feel like I am at death's door .. I really thought my number was up a little earlier and I just wanted it to happen. It is so annoying when you get this low a feeling with as much discomfort and anxiety as this and your body just wont give up. Die in other words.

My heart is pounding through my chest which is odd because in my second appointment I am to have an ECG fitted for 24 hours.

I do not know what the first appointment is for but it will involve some begging.

I did also manage to get a hold of my GP Surgery, after screwing things up last week by not knowing what day it was as per usual.

When I did ring the surgery I was a bit confused, not familiar with their answering messages anyway not being here that long.

The Doctor is going to ring me today but I did warn them I was in the hospital at 2pm. I asked them to make a note of that .. hopefully they wont ring me when I am there and I miss the damned call .. making a second mistake inside of a week!

I am out of some of my pills, you see. Most importantly the Propranalol and Diazepam as despite some others stopping me from dying early .. the statins for my cholesterol and blood pressure pills .. it is the anxiety and absolute dread long with the chest pains, heart palpitations and the feeling if skipped heart beats that are primary to me right now.

I also do not feel safe enough to drive so I am going to walk to the hospital with my trusty stick. Unless something changes between now 9.47am and 1.15pm when I have to leave.

As I stated previously I seem to have had a third appointment made for me for the 4th or 5th January, cannot recall as usual, and not sure what that is about either.

It is a shame that one of my plans did not start to work .. it would have prevented these horrid feelings from taking place but then the same could be said of two public services, the NHS and DWP and now I am at the point where begging is going to be used.

I am praying that a working pill is provided that can deal with the stronger attacks .. but it may be that I need some sort of shock treatment on my heart, I think that is what someone mentioned?

cardioversion or catheter ablation, or surgery - British Heart Foundation

So those are the .. things mentioned though it did also state a pill too.

I am secretly hoping that the levels of anxiety are being caused by the irregular heartbeat and that any pill or procedure will cure it?

If they had found this, or indeed I had spotted it on my blood pressure monitor, they could have sorted this before I moved here. That could have saved me a whole heap of pain and suffering and allowed me to help more with those I came to help.

This .. bloody .. country.

Everything I have ever done seems to have outside things go wrong to screw things up i the worst possible way.

Even the IT market crash just as I got my Degree .. where I was living with a woman who had a history of beating up boyfriends who then continued that tradition with me. Only found out about her history AFTER I left her in Bristol and her sister, till on my Facebook today, told me about it after she told me she was shocked that I had left.

Oddly enough as i was explaining to my daughter .. that is when the Fibromyalgia I already had without being aware of it really kicked in.

A week after I returned to London my feet started to hurt .. well the right foot started to hurt as I was trying to get somewhere. This continued on and I started to ask Doctors about it. Different parts of my feet started to get affected and eventually the other foot become affected.

As it turned out and after 13 years of asking ad with more symptoms cropping up to add to the tally from time to time I self diagnosed it before having it confirmed at Guy's Hospital. Then as I read about the condition I realised I had been affected by it for around a decade before it affected my feet.

After a horrific event, cannot even remember what it was, the anxiety thing started up. This just kept returning over sometimes stupid things and sometimes without any reason at all.

I so want to plunge a knife deep into my chest it begs belief and I find that so strange .. how can one be suffering so bad that they feel like they want to do that?!

The only thing preventing me from doing that is the fact that I am not alone and am supposed to be helping others.

But the strangeness of my surrounding area along with the fact that I am well aware that my memory can have me confused is making things worse, I have no doubt.

I am even terrified of getting to the hospital on foot .. in case I get confused and .. lost! How stupid is that?!

While back in Enfield I even got confused with places that were familiar to me. Once I even ended up on the wrong side of town and thought "What am I doing here?! I should be several miles away!"

I used to learn areas so fast years go and I have been here previously, been here for three months and feel like I barely know anywhere.

My daughter bought me a diary as a Christmas present because eve she has noticed my bad memory and asks me days after I should have done something whether I have done it or not!

She has the same symptoms, that much I have noticed. But she is not as bad as me and of course she knows this area and grew up in it. But she still gets panic attacks over things .. like her domestic abuser talking like he is getting out of prison for instance.

MY HEALTH UPDATE

Sorry ...

I umm completely forgot to do this update!

Well I have been somewhat ... busy and ... literally the day after, might have been two days after ... cannot recall, I had to ... hmm let us say I had a meeting of sorts. This meeting was quite important to me and to my ... online escapades.

At this meeting I had, or thought I did, show some stuff and in the meeting I was basically asked to re-do this stuff to a provided template.

At the hospital I was seen pretty swiftly, I must say. My blood pressure measured 159 or 169 over 110 and they were concerned about the 110, diastolic, reading. The Doc, a pretty nice one, stated he was more concerned about the 110 reading and went wide eyed when I told him that I had a monitor in my backpack and my blood pressure was 197/121 prior to leaving my house. It was why I went to A&E really as I had been ignoring the weird chest pain and palpitations up until then. Well I say 'ignored' but the truth was I had intended to make a GP appointment for the last couple of weeks and kept forgetting. Public services keep asking or expecting me to do crap kind of screws up my memory for doing the stuff I need to.

I really expected a phone-call from the GP the next day but it never came and I have now been in there and handed in the results given to me by North Middlesex Hospital and on the letter it states they want me monitored for 48 hours.

So I had previously had a blood pressure monitor off the NHS I wore for 24 hours I think it was and now I am going to have some kind of cardiograph machine attached for 48 hours?

It is bloody typical that this is occurring right now, of all the bloody times!

I have two major things going on concurrently that I am either working hard on or waiting ... hard on that I need to have completed in a specific order for specific reasons. One I have no control over and one I have a little bit of control over.

Also the day I had this meeting I then had to drop of the hospitals results and letter to my GP afterwards and I had received a phone-call from Halfords to tell me that my forks and wheel off my mountain bike had come back from SRam Tech. So I then had to go there.

I picked them up but they were in several pieces in a box, so I put them together so I could walk the damn thing home.

Then I watched a movie, as I do often when I get home as I am often shattered, only to be disturbed ten minutes from the end because a friend wanted me to catch some shrimps, yes shrimps, from his aquarium so he could treat his sick fish with copper sulphate.

Then I got home and took a second attempt, first one failed, at putting my suspension forks back on my bike for an hour before realising something was missing before discovering it had somehow ended up on the floor under my printer?! Grrr ....

Then I had to feck around with the brake caliper as some reading this might recall that after the fisco I discovered that my brake disc had a very slight bend in it.

After re-arranging some washers I managed to get the wheel spinning with not even the slightest rubbing taking place!

Then I had to do this 16 page ... umm, let us say 'report'?

These chest pains and heart palpitations was something I did not get to explain to a certain family member I rowed with in two visits by them.

But then I know that one symptom I had, or at least the word for it of 'palpitations', I would have been interrupted and gotten a lecture on as they claimed to have had it going on 20 years ago. Except the word 'palpitations' does not mean what they stated in did when I was a kid and used to hear her and my father state it. Because of this I thought it was nothing much really so I was surprised when the A&E Doctor and nurses were so concerned about it.

Within 30 minutes or so I had been seen three times by three different people. I was out within an hour and that was after being left in a ward for 20 minutes.

Oh yeah and that day of the ... meeting,GP results drop in and suspension fork pick up? Yeah it rained a lot that day too!

So that one rare day where I have countless things going on and have to complete and it bloody well rains!

A time when things for me are gradually ... making their way to the ... launch pad and I start having these damn chest pains and palpitations?! Bloody well typical.

I did state twice to the family member that never listens that with my luck I will drop dead before I reach ... hmm let us say the take off point?

Yeah there are some that know what it is I have going on, but with some things not all the details in full just yet. But they kind of know the two things I have going on right now. Though I have fallen out with one so they are going to have to find out third hand ... and several days to several weeks late I am afraid. So yeah they might find it bloody strange that I am having these issues right now when I have these two things going on.

Both Sod's Law and Murphy's Law both acting in tandem currently to screw me over.

Oh and I have to now get fit, did go out on my more expensive and reliable bike for 11 miles yesterday ... with no chest issues luckily which is why it came as a surprise when I had an issue today While out. Which is the first time this has occurred while out of the house.

But I have this stuff going on while a certain public service is placing pressure on me to do a load of crap that gets neither me or them anywhere and is now in actual fact both pointless and ... academic! I am speaking, of course, about the DWP!

But as like so many other times previous it is just another one of my intricate webs that many know as traps and just as ever I have many things I have to focus on as a kind of background check or behind the scenes look.

You might say a 'covering my own arse' endeavour is going on?

I just hope I do not make it onto Calum's List ... not right now at any rate and if one thing I am waiting on is far worse, or less, than I had calculated then I might welcome making it onto Calum's damned list?!

I think I will go do a Google search on heart palpitations and chest pain now that I have finished typing this?

Fingers crossed!

EDIT: Oh yeah, in case you missed it I stopped my blood pressure pills because I was told to because I was having blackouts and falling unconscious ... just for the record, lol.

HATING ON THE 'A's & THE 'E's

I am in bloody A&E once again.

I have not mentioned it previously but I've been having some ... issues. This has been going on for about a month. Maybe more? Cannot recall.

Anyway the first time it took place i had eaten a lot and put the symptoms I was having down to that.

I had heart palpitations along with discomfort that wandered over the threshold into sight pain. I had also felt breathless.

As I said this first occurred some weeks ago and I thought it had something to do with over eating.

However, several days to a week later I felt this discomfort once again. This time there was no over indulging involved.

Since then it has occurred several times and seems now to be becoming more frequent.

It has also lasted for a few hours each tube it had occurred.

Today I was planning to admit myself to A&E just to have a few tests done.

This is because despite it not being intense pain it is the region of the heart. I also had a heart trace 6 months or so ago that flashed up a few warning signals, heart wall thickening was one.

But someone called me and was on the phone for a couple hours so I decided to go to hospital tomorrow instead.

Except another friend called me I had told earlier in the day I would go to hospital. He then complained that i had not gone and asked me to do a blood pressure test.

I watched as the diastolic number went above 200 and thought. "Uh-oh!" It eventually ended with a reading of 197! Highest I think I've ever tested at.

Now it should be stated that my father as well as my grandmother died of heart related problems. I still don't know how my Uncle died but both he and my father were in their mid fifties when they passed away.

So the symptoms and source are things that give pause to thought at the best of times. With my medical history along with my father and grandmother ... I need to be careful.

So when my friend was told on the phone that my blood pressure came up with 197 he ... just got called in for the second time.

Yes my friend nagged me to ring 999 but i decided to ring 111 instead.

"It's not on ... Man!" he insisted.

So I rang 111 and of course I get told to go to an A&E within the hour.

I got here about 4.30pm, maybe later? It's not even 5.30pm right now and I've already been called in twice.

That's twice since I started this.

My friend was annoyed, shocked and disappointed that considering my symptoms they did not send an ambulance. An ambulance never occurred to me until he complained about it. Him complaining did get me thinking and wondered what if all the exertion was to cause something drastic to occur?

So then I thought about starting this blog post while I was on the bus. But as I had feared and why I had decided not to travel to hospital in the afternoon ... it was filled with schoolchildren. In my neighbourhood there seems to be tens of thousands and they seemed like they were everywhere. Floors, seats, walls and even ceilings there are so many and of course they are loud. Louder than hell itself.

Soo I decided to wait until I was in the hospital waiting room. Of course you get called as opposed to a monitor screen with your name popping up. So listening to music was not really an option.

In fact I tried to listen to music thinking I had at least 30 minutes before the initial check over by a nurse. This was the time it took the last time I was here.

But no.

I was called within a few minutes. Had blood pressure measured, it was high but didn't give a number. Took my pulse and asked me to take a seat in the waiting room.

I thought that surely this time it would be a long wait but by the time the song was playing someone appeared from a door in front of me and I thought I heard my name, barely above the music. Yup, they were calling me for what was bite the second time in what could barely be fifteen minutes.

Someone's concerned?

I have no idea whether or not the blood pressure and these palpatations and pain are linked.

Strangely my friends has been on at me for a fair old while about seeing someone about my high blood pressure.

I told him on the phone that recently halting my blood pressure pills, Ramipril, probably didn't help. He complained that I had stopped taking them with a drawn out "But whhhhyyyy?!" before then informing him, or rather reminding him, that it was demanded of me by the Neurology Department of Chase Farm Hospital.

If you have been coming on here for more than a few months then you might recall I had been referred for an MRI on my head and an EEG at different hospitals?

That was because I had been passing out more and more frequently.

Despite three strikes of pain while having the EEG performed they said they found nothing, but did not deny the EEG picking up pain when i mentioned it.

They put out down to the blood pressure pills and requested I stop taking them.

Hmm ... that was around the time my grandfather passed away, around 10th February 2017. Come to think of it this would be around the time or a couple weeks at most before these heart symptoms started.

I had a feeling that ceasing the use of blood pressure pills and the aversion to giving me better blood pressure pills would eventually cause a problem. Not quite this fast and this dramatic, I have to admit.

Soo ... just waiting for a Doctor to call me and I've asked three people about the Doctor Bolat I saw around 6 months ago. No one had heard of him.

Oh well the point is if I drop dead on the same date this post was posted ... well you know that the NHS was the to blame.

Lol.