DYING INSIDE

Right now I feel like I am literally dying ..

.. though I am really tempted to speed up the process!

I really did not want to even type this out but what ails me may in time help others?

I am on the verge of losing my belongings .. what there is left of them. Not all of them but most of them and on top of this I may be losing my bank accounts too.

My anxiety is through the roof and my mind feels like it wants to tear right down the middle and into two.

I have also found out that my daughter was supposed to have an operation last year on a hernia that can get strangulated and cause Gangrene?! Not done because her mother let her down looking after the children and there is no one else. Think that is bad?

Well it happened again recently over an operation for my daughter's cervical cancer!

Also she has been under investigation for stealing from someone .. close to home .. also reported by her own siblings as it turns out.

But this is the person that the authorities keep insisting is a wonderful person and can be relied upon year after year .. after year.

It very literally feels to both my daughter and me like things have been plotted against us for us to fail and even for us to commit suicide. Articles in Love It and Take A Break Monthly magazines recently only show two parts of my daughter's horrific life that total a few dozen parts. We really thought and were told that this would lead us onto other things .. but now starting to think it was a tokenism gesture by someone to shut us up for awhile longer? Two people and two offers and neither of them were followed through.

So basically my time has run out and my own difficulties alone run into the dozens and this is just too much to take and it just keeps getting prolonged.

No money being paid in either means that I will run out of the most stupid things and other things that keep some pretty bad pain and death at bay.

Also and when my anxiety is like this I have three things that either occur or increase ..

• Heart Palpitations
• Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs
• Sudden disappearance of energy that makes walking excruciating or impossible
• That does not include many other things besides but are the main ones

I want to walk in front of a bus right now but do not want my daughter to be told her father has died, what with everything she has going on.

At the same time I have been wondering how much the human mind can take before .. it ruptures?

My situation is also impossible as no one seems to realise, care or are too wrapped up in their own issues to be able to do anything or help. Though I am not sure how they can help to be honest with you. But when your like this you just hope there is someone out there to help .. somewhere?

So I fear that I will end up like some really crazy person, in a padded cell somewhere rocking back and forth?!

I cannot get really far and for weeks all I have managed is a park over the road and within a few hundred yards of the bottom of a hill in Waltham Abbey, which was not without difficulties.

I just want to feel normal again and take photographs and post-process a few hundred photographs I have been unable to do. Monday and Tuesday just gone there should have been 200 to 300 photographs uploaded. God knows when I will get around to doing that, if at all.

I had also come across the idea of uploading some to a sight that sells photographs for you, called Alamy, but that went wrong. Supposed to upload three but something went wrong with the third one and then it would not allow me to send the third.

But then there is the worry of what will happen if I lose my bank account?

If I do will I ever be able to get another bank account?

I had tried to reach out to other people in the hope of getting interest in out stories, though mainly my daughter's. In the hope that exposing what the public services were doing that at least her nightmare might end? But to no avail ad when you get like this you seriously get angry and disappointed with the fact you have gone to everyone you can think of and they basically tell you to fuck off, move along or send you off to someone else you know is going to say the exact same thing.

It appears that even with something afflicting you that can be potentially fatal .. or just tear your mind in two gets you now help or sympathy whatsoever.

Kind of crazy then that Swedish civilians spend thousands and even tens of thousands of pounds travelling dozens of miles to collect up and patrol streets so that the people there can feel safe?

I think I would pass out if I ever saw groups in the UK doing this?

There is also the issue of not being able to buy the magnesium and vitamin B pills as this will cause a lot of pain before eventually leading on to my death. Not a way I want to go to be honest!

God I just wish this torture would end one way or another!

EDIT: I am even worried about losing the use of my phone only in that my daughter wont be able to ring me and have someone to talk to?! It has got a fault with the screen and does exhibit some odd behaviour.