Torturous.
That is what life has
been for me for months on end now .. just torturous.
I have walked in front
of so many oncoming vehicles since I have been here I am wondering if
my subconscious is trying to reach for the off switch as well as my
conscious mind?
It is constantly
switching from not wanting to lose against this evil country, Theresa
May and the Tory Party to just wanting to end my life. This morning
is an end my life kind of morning.
I have tried to do
things .. I have tried to battle it and my daughter has done the same
but something just keeps on preventing us from beating this.
I sit in the park
watching others wondering of they have any idea what is being done to
people out there and the pain which they are forced to endure?
I wonder if and when it
will ever stop and that even if it does and I find help from someone
will this stop it? I sometimes doubt that.
At my age now and with
the complications with my health it is hard to imagine ever feeling
happy or even just normal ever again.
Adverts on TV regarding
bringing awareness to mental health issues infuriate me as I always
see these as just talk. Two hundred and fifty miles apart and both y
daughter and I have see no change whatsoever.
It is partly about
money but this just adds .. compounds the issues and the health
often suffers as a result.
One thing I have
dreaded is the difficulty sleeping as without much sleep I am going
to be more tired, experience more anxiety and depression and make
more mistakes. Maybe this is the reason why I have nearly been
clipped by more than half a dozen vehicles? Two of those were buses
.. I remember a black van whose passenger yelled at me. I also
remember the last one .. a silver car at the exact location I was hit
by a car around 35 years ago. What was that they say about lightning
not striking twice? Probably others I cannot recall.
I am even a little
disappointed each time I have had one of these close shaves, thinking
afterwards how all of the pain would be over .. once and for all.
But even then things
have been just so torturous that I even fear that our souls might be
real, with an explanation in quantum mechanics, and that I might have
to come back to this hell hole yet again. I wonder if there might be
a choice and that I could simply say 'no bloody way!'?
Here where I am
currently I have trouble doing the simplest of tasks .. something
that has now been noticed that does not notice anything in other
people. Normally only themselves, though this wont last and wont
bring me any benefits.
Those around me and
that know me do not know that I feel like this and for two reasons.
Firstly I do not like putting upon people at all and secondly because
I will get the usual crap that is said without thinking that drives
me up the wall ..
- What do you want to do that for?
- You have got to try!
- Why don't you try doing something you enjoy to take your mind off things?
- Think about how other people will feel!
There is even one that
thinks that the way I am is brought on by myself?! Though they have
bee on some odd courses .. like a weird self-help thing where they
believe everything is caused by the mind and that you have complete
control over this.
They do not seem to
comprehend things like chemicals out of balance, deficiencies or
physical problems within the human body.
Oddly enough the one
and only time I did get any help over 18 months ago they seem to
think that talking was a cure and I have always maintained that in
this instance it does not work, is something biological going on and
that there are things that cannot be cured by talking. As much as I
was appreciative of the help it is somewhat frustrating when they do
not listen and therefore, in the cases of Doctors, do not even look
into it.
Come to think of it I
do not recall ever having any kind of test for anything to do with
mental illness and I am wondering of there is in fact any tests?
There must be things with mental health problems that are testable?
Low magnesium causes mental health issues and that is testable and
they have tested me for it. Their test result was wrong because they
failed to see I am diagnosed with it, unless it was not put on my
records, did not tell me they was testing it and therefore allowing
me to inform them that I was on magnesium pills and it should be on y
records.
Yeah .. a terrible
mistake. Or a convenient one?
They act towards
patients with patronising attitudes and act like they know everything
and do not make mistakes and yet they make mistakes constantly. In
recent years it has been reported a hell of a lot but the attitudes
seem to persist.
One moron was an expert
on my condition because he came across it once and then claimed I was
wrong about something and when I told him to do his research still
insisted he was right, when he was clearly very, very .. wrong.
Tome after time after
time and visit after visit after visit and as my own daughter os now
finding as are no doubt millions of others .. you end up not even
wanting to go to a GP, hospital or walk-in centre.
But then when it comes
to helping you .. there is nothing much out there. I certainly have
had nothing and my daughter has been asking for a year, well a lot
longer really but since the latest set of tragedies started, and has
had nothing.
I am still losing
weight too. That will likely continue to happen. I ignore comments
about it, even weird comments I do not get where someone is trying to
play a victim card in stating that people are blaming them. Yeah .. I
am a 49 year old man, for Christ's sake how can it be someone else's
fault? They will use absolutely anything to draw attention to
themselves even deliberately provoking someone to attack them. They
will literally promise they wont use bad behaviour that is downright
rude and frustrating then then do exactly that within three minutes
of stating it. They push you, you blow up and they run to everyone
else with their victim card in their hands waving it furiously. The
weird thing is everyone knows that they do this, they have been doing
this for years, do not take any notice and no one can understand why
they just carry on persistently doing this. In fact this has gone on
for thirty years, something else ignored by the NHS and yet still
they do it and we just do not understand how it is they can keep on
trying this when it has never gotten them anywhere and everyone
ignores it.
It is al their
children's fault and down to the way they are .. conveniently
forgetting that they have fallen out with their own friends over the
same thing and their own cousin. But when it suits it is specific to
us. Yeah .. it is a veritable melting of ones mind.
Two of these children
have not set foot in this house since I moved in! One has visited
just twice.
You also cannot talk to
them .. about anything and things are so bad that if I do even
attempt it I get moaned at by two others for even trying it. You also
get sixty seconds before they start repeatedly second guessing what
you are going to say or switch it to about them where you get a very
stale history lesson. Try to tell them how bad things are today and
you get a lecture about how it was worse years ago? No .. it wasn't!
Even fifteen years ago
I would have been given full disability and housed while today they
are deliberately leaving people to die. When your made aware of the
consequences of your actions and you carry on regardless then your
knowingly and therefore deliberately doing this.
Oddly there is talk of
a scandal over this breaking and it brings some tiny little hope that
it will and that this will force change? But I have thought this so
many times in recent years, over ten years to be precise, and nothing
happens. Or it will seem to sort itself out and then a while later
goes horribly wrong. An example of this that many seem to miss is
that I did get DLA .. at a time when they believed in the symptoms
despite me not having a proper diagnosis. That was taken away and
then several years later I was awarded PIP because I did have a
diagnosis. Guess what happened a little while later? Yup, it was
taken away.
You cannot get these
benefits by just filling out a form, you never have. You have to
provided proof and medical evidence. So I got it twice.
Basically I was on the
top tier where when they first decided to screw disabled people I got
kicked off. Until I could prove one of the things, yes it was just
one at the time, that was wrong and I went back on it. Then they
moved down to the tier I was on. I knew they was doing this but I
never thought I would go through this a second time. They even stated
to a charity that they would not come after people with my condition
of Fibromyalgia. Then they did.
Then you get these
amoral and extreme right wing sounding people that seem to think that
all the money problems are because of benefit claimants, proving they
are utter shit at maths as well as being amoral as well as extremely
naïve, that think what they do is right. Also that what they say is
right and love pointing fingers. Sorry but your shit at maths, amoral
and God damn stupid if you think like this. They have been hammering
people for 7 years plus, half a million benefit claimants and sick
people have died as a result. You cannot agree to this and despite
all that nothing has changed has it? Paying less taxes now are we? No
and you never fecking will, idiot!
In fact if your a small
business struggling .. well there are millions of people low paid and
on benefits now scared to spend anything sooo.
Yeah so I sit in the
park with my mind twisting and contorting most days. I often just
want to die because I really do not know a way through this. I look
at people and wonder of they have any idea at all what is going on? I
see most of them as socialists and wonder of they even know that
their attempts to change things have actually made things worse?
Still are as far as I can see. Wonder if and when that will ever
change. Well it kind of is but it is doing so ever so slowly and in
theory could stop at any time.
