THE WARS OF THE MIND

Torturous.

That is what life has been for me for months on end now .. just torturous.

I have walked in front of so many oncoming vehicles since I have been here I am wondering if my subconscious is trying to reach for the off switch as well as my conscious mind?

It is constantly switching from not wanting to lose against this evil country, Theresa May and the Tory Party to just wanting to end my life. This morning is an end my life kind of morning.

I have tried to do things .. I have tried to battle it and my daughter has done the same but something just keeps on preventing us from beating this.

I sit in the park watching others wondering of they have any idea what is being done to people out there and the pain which they are forced to endure?

I wonder if and when it will ever stop and that even if it does and I find help from someone will this stop it? I sometimes doubt that.

At my age now and with the complications with my health it is hard to imagine ever feeling happy or even just normal ever again.

Adverts on TV regarding bringing awareness to mental health issues infuriate me as I always see these as just talk. Two hundred and fifty miles apart and both y daughter and I have see no change whatsoever.

It is partly about money but this just adds .. compounds the issues and the health often suffers as a result.

One thing I have dreaded is the difficulty sleeping as without much sleep I am going to be more tired, experience more anxiety and depression and make more mistakes. Maybe this is the reason why I have nearly been clipped by more than half a dozen vehicles? Two of those were buses .. I remember a black van whose passenger yelled at me. I also remember the last one .. a silver car at the exact location I was hit by a car around 35 years ago. What was that they say about lightning not striking twice? Probably others I cannot recall.

I am even a little disappointed each time I have had one of these close shaves, thinking afterwards how all of the pain would be over .. once and for all.

But even then things have been just so torturous that I even fear that our souls might be real, with an explanation in quantum mechanics, and that I might have to come back to this hell hole yet again. I wonder if there might be a choice and that I could simply say 'no bloody way!'?

Here where I am currently I have trouble doing the simplest of tasks .. something that has now been noticed that does not notice anything in other people. Normally only themselves, though this wont last and wont bring me any benefits.

Those around me and that know me do not know that I feel like this and for two reasons. Firstly I do not like putting upon people at all and secondly because I will get the usual crap that is said without thinking that drives me up the wall ..

• What do you want to do that for?
• You have got to try!
• Why don't you try doing something you enjoy to take your mind off things?
• Think about how other people will feel!

There is even one that thinks that the way I am is brought on by myself?! Though they have bee on some odd courses .. like a weird self-help thing where they believe everything is caused by the mind and that you have complete control over this.

They do not seem to comprehend things like chemicals out of balance, deficiencies or physical problems within the human body.

Oddly enough the one and only time I did get any help over 18 months ago they seem to think that talking was a cure and I have always maintained that in this instance it does not work, is something biological going on and that there are things that cannot be cured by talking. As much as I was appreciative of the help it is somewhat frustrating when they do not listen and therefore, in the cases of Doctors, do not even look into it.

Come to think of it I do not recall ever having any kind of test for anything to do with mental illness and I am wondering of there is in fact any tests? There must be things with mental health problems that are testable? Low magnesium causes mental health issues and that is testable and they have tested me for it. Their test result was wrong because they failed to see I am diagnosed with it, unless it was not put on my records, did not tell me they was testing it and therefore allowing me to inform them that I was on magnesium pills and it should be on y records.

Yeah .. a terrible mistake. Or a convenient one?

They act towards patients with patronising attitudes and act like they know everything and do not make mistakes and yet they make mistakes constantly. In recent years it has been reported a hell of a lot but the attitudes seem to persist.

One moron was an expert on my condition because he came across it once and then claimed I was wrong about something and when I told him to do his research still insisted he was right, when he was clearly very, very .. wrong.

Tome after time after time and visit after visit after visit and as my own daughter os now finding as are no doubt millions of others .. you end up not even wanting to go to a GP, hospital or walk-in centre.

But then when it comes to helping you .. there is nothing much out there. I certainly have had nothing and my daughter has been asking for a year, well a lot longer really but since the latest set of tragedies started, and has had nothing.

I am still losing weight too. That will likely continue to happen. I ignore comments about it, even weird comments I do not get where someone is trying to play a victim card in stating that people are blaming them. Yeah .. I am a 49 year old man, for Christ's sake how can it be someone else's fault? They will use absolutely anything to draw attention to themselves even deliberately provoking someone to attack them. They will literally promise they wont use bad behaviour that is downright rude and frustrating then then do exactly that within three minutes of stating it. They push you, you blow up and they run to everyone else with their victim card in their hands waving it furiously. The weird thing is everyone knows that they do this, they have been doing this for years, do not take any notice and no one can understand why they just carry on persistently doing this. In fact this has gone on for thirty years, something else ignored by the NHS and yet still they do it and we just do not understand how it is they can keep on trying this when it has never gotten them anywhere and everyone ignores it.

It is al their children's fault and down to the way they are .. conveniently forgetting that they have fallen out with their own friends over the same thing and their own cousin. But when it suits it is specific to us. Yeah .. it is a veritable melting of ones mind.

Two of these children have not set foot in this house since I moved in! One has visited just twice.

You also cannot talk to them .. about anything and things are so bad that if I do even attempt it I get moaned at by two others for even trying it. You also get sixty seconds before they start repeatedly second guessing what you are going to say or switch it to about them where you get a very stale history lesson. Try to tell them how bad things are today and you get a lecture about how it was worse years ago? No .. it wasn't!

Even fifteen years ago I would have been given full disability and housed while today they are deliberately leaving people to die. When your made aware of the consequences of your actions and you carry on regardless then your knowingly and therefore deliberately doing this.

Oddly there is talk of a scandal over this breaking and it brings some tiny little hope that it will and that this will force change? But I have thought this so many times in recent years, over ten years to be precise, and nothing happens. Or it will seem to sort itself out and then a while later goes horribly wrong. An example of this that many seem to miss is that I did get DLA .. at a time when they believed in the symptoms despite me not having a proper diagnosis. That was taken away and then several years later I was awarded PIP because I did have a diagnosis. Guess what happened a little while later? Yup, it was taken away.

You cannot get these benefits by just filling out a form, you never have. You have to provided proof and medical evidence. So I got it twice.

Basically I was on the top tier where when they first decided to screw disabled people I got kicked off. Until I could prove one of the things, yes it was just one at the time, that was wrong and I went back on it. Then they moved down to the tier I was on. I knew they was doing this but I never thought I would go through this a second time. They even stated to a charity that they would not come after people with my condition of Fibromyalgia. Then they did.

Then you get these amoral and extreme right wing sounding people that seem to think that all the money problems are because of benefit claimants, proving they are utter shit at maths as well as being amoral as well as extremely naïve, that think what they do is right. Also that what they say is right and love pointing fingers. Sorry but your shit at maths, amoral and God damn stupid if you think like this. They have been hammering people for 7 years plus, half a million benefit claimants and sick people have died as a result. You cannot agree to this and despite all that nothing has changed has it? Paying less taxes now are we? No and you never fecking will, idiot!

In fact if your a small business struggling .. well there are millions of people low paid and on benefits now scared to spend anything sooo.

Yeah so I sit in the park with my mind twisting and contorting most days. I often just want to die because I really do not know a way through this. I look at people and wonder of they have any idea at all what is going on? I see most of them as socialists and wonder of they even know that their attempts to change things have actually made things worse? Still are as far as I can see. Wonder if and when that will ever change. Well it kind of is but it is doing so ever so slowly and in theory could stop at any time.

THE ATTACKS RETURN

I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I've had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn't a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn't know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn't good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn't believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I've also been in a whole series of dark places I'm trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it's always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I'm only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don't own and my car was here for two days .. I didn't hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else's problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she's not interested in. One recipient has already said "If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!"

She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn't though and wasn't bothered about it and still isn't.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it's complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn't believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn't know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I'm still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it's still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I've also been contacting people since I've been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don't care .. and that we don't care.

Because she doesn't see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven't told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won't get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that's actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it's called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren't interested in looking it up and because it doesn't mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn't exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don't because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it's because .. she doesn't ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn't ask how others in the family are.

This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

• We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
• We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen

For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. "You do know about *****, don't you?" and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ's sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said "I don't care about the law and you don't take no notice if it either!"

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me .. 

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven't got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.

THE END RESULT

Well not sure it's an end result ..

I'm currently trying to cause myself pain .. while avoiding someone .. catching me at it. Oh that is now stinging.

The person is actually watching me.

I think she is a nurse? Not entirely sure.

Well I had another bad night of coughing up phlegm .. hardly slept then woke up with fairly bad anxiety. Took two Diazepam that helped then seemed to sleep for a couple hours.

Woke up again with anxiety all because of a phone-call last night and not the person you might expect.

Good God I'd love another cup of tea.

I'm in hospital..

Ended up ringing '111' and once again ended up with an ambulance. They end up talking me into coming here when I made up my mind I didn't want to go into hospital, hence why I rang '111'.

Now I'm harming myself because after talking to two people which took not too long I feel like I've now been waiting for three hours for a Psyche Team.

It's now 16:18 so it's dark and in sure I called '111' around 10.30am to 11am.

I'm anxious about getting back to the flat and wishing I hadn't called now.

Still the cup of tea and sandwich was nice.

However I wondered if having energy for the first time in days as fuelled the anxiety. I was OK ish in the ambulance. Had taken two Metaclopramide so didn't feel too nauseous on the journey. Pleased about that. Well I was.

Now though it's this damned anxiety .. I'm in a room with one armchair and one sofa .. green.

I'm also bored, nowhere to charge the phone and .. I was told to bring my charger so thought I could use it more?! No TV .. just waiting on a room for some team.

Oddly it sounded like from someone earlier I might be able to get help?

I thought this was a relief but then started to have this anxiety.

If I could get placed somewhere and transferred back to London somehow with my car moved, or provided with the money to do this, this would be .. great.

Also .. there's that damn meeting at the Job Centre in this strange land. If they could also do something about that? Or give me the means to get them off my back for a month? Maybe even two?

Here's hoping!

..

NOPE!

Waste of time.

WEAPONS OF SELF DESTRUCTION

Ugh.

Going at it again.

Must be the worst morning. Left wrist looks worse than before and now the right wrist looks worse than the left.

Stings but then that's the point. Takes away from the pain in anxiety but only to an extent.

Worst possible nightmare you can imagine while everyone is still alive.

At least that's how it feels.

Funny my eyelids are getting heavy now, that's a first I'm normally wide awake from 4 or 5am onwards. But then maybe I released enough .. pressure? I doubt it. Not enough to go to sleep at any rate.

Jesus, that of switch off is sooo tempting.

A lot more bleeding this time.