THE ATTACKS RETURN

I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I've had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn't a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn't know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn't good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn't believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I've also been in a whole series of dark places I'm trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it's always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I'm only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don't own and my car was here for two days .. I didn't hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else's problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she's not interested in. One recipient has already said "If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!"

She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn't though and wasn't bothered about it and still isn't.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it's complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn't believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn't know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I'm still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it's still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I've also been contacting people since I've been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don't care .. and that we don't care.

Because she doesn't see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven't told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won't get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that's actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it's called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren't interested in looking it up and because it doesn't mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn't exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don't because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it's because .. she doesn't ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn't ask how others in the family are.

This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

• We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
• We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen

For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. "You do know about *****, don't you?" and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ's sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said "I don't care about the law and you don't take no notice if it either!"

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me .. 

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven't got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.

ONE HELL FOR ANOTHER

Well it has not even been a week yet and it has happened.

I have had my anxiety raised by someone that is supposed to help. Oddly they have complained that they are the only one that have helped .. despite the fact that this help is a fucking tiny room they do not need. They do not own the house either but you would think they were giving a pint of blood the way that they go on.

What is the issue?

That four of us did not give up thousands of pounds to another member of the family because they deserved money.

I have told them that by law they are not and that this person is not bothered by it and that in fact they are the only one bothered by it but .. it makes no difference.

Bearing in mind what I have just been through .. what I have got to do now that I am back and that much of my money went towards helping others .. the rest tied up in things I should not have bought and one I am selling. So they cannot claim that I am selfish .. but it is being hinted at and they would dearly like to say this .. but they cannot.

Most of the ire is about others ..

Except as I said the recipient they are on about does not care about it and has said to others that it was not his money and not his grandfather.

Nope .. that does not matter.

Nope .. nor does it matter that I went through hell and cut my wrists I was in that much agony .. not not a mention about that. Just that things did not go how they wanted them too and we re all bastards.

I have already had a reply to a text I sent explaining what was just said and the reply simply stated “You got to get out of there as fast as you can!”

Yeah .. I cannot. I have somewhere I can go if things get bad but that will only be for three or four days at most. As I told my brother .. it is called the Maytree Centre and I nearly ended up there a couple years back.

This person simply fails to see that the only feelings that are harping on about is their own. And that this is all about others doing what they expect them to.

I also guarantee that they are annoyed that I have gone off into a room to stop hearing it and I would not be surprised if I was told I had to leave purely because I wont sit there and listen to their complaining about things that is bothering no one else.

They have been told for years and fucking years that it is extremely stressful and that no one else falls out and has issues except them. Every single member of their family they have fallen out with but it is everyone else that is wrong.

I find it hilarious that there argument is that no one 'gives a shit' and yet that is exactly whow they come across .. unless it is there feelings, they have never self harmed by the way but their suffereing is worse than everyone else's, then they do not ask, they do not console, they do not say they are sorry for what you have been through. Best of all they do not ask when they are on the phone how the children are, by some accounts. They are so busy and so focused upon their own feelings and you get statements like they want to die.

Oddly they blame another relative of being melodramatic when it comes to these things .. deliberately leaving pills all over the floor for sympathy.

No self harming as far as I know and they certainly was not alone when they did it .. so yeah .. ou could say that it was for sympathy. Could.

I was trapped in a flat that felt like a prison for four days and there was no one else there but me .. alone .. hoping that this damned Aussie flu would kill me in the night, often felt like it was. Then having anxiety in the mornings sometimes so bad that harming was the only thing that would release the extreme feelings of anxiety.

I cannot stress how bad this can be even at the best of times but stuck somewhere you do not know with short term memory problems after being called names, then threatened and then warned .. yeah .. you cannot really describe that.

I want to die because no one gives a shit and because currently I have nowhere to live .. not whinge and whine that no one gives a shit and that no one listens.

Yeah they do not have the greatest advice and yet they go fucking mental because no one takes their advice but .. no one ever takes advice.

But no .. this is specific traits of my family and makes her life a misery.

No drug dealers. No bank robbers. No domestic abusers and all this has been pointed out to her by her own cousin and .. nope .. does not want to listen. Because they want to complain except ..

There is no end goal to complaining .. there is absolutely no benefit to complaining .. she gets nothing out of it .. no one she complains about is ever going to change .. all she does is hurt people, stress them out and make them not want to come here.

I was on the phone to them two days before I came down and she scared the living shit out of me .. cranky and angry and of course it was about giving this money over to someone that not only does not care about it themselves but will end up in the pockets of his greedy and manipulative African girlfriend and her family as they have already had thousands anyway.

These people were here illegally anyway, despite both being handed houses then it is strictly illegal to do so .. unless your a public service then you can make the rules up as you go along while private landlords get fined for doing the exact same thing.

Now I am scared of them going past the door .. and scared of going downstairs in the morning!

Luckily I have tried to prepare as I have not only contacted my solicitor but also an organisation that may be able to help in my current situation. They didn't years ago when I went to them for help but today it is different .. I now only know what is wrong with me today, thanks for nothing NHS, but a lot more is wrong with me today.

I, or we, really ended up with the rough end of the stick when it comes to life and to think I may have been subjected to some kid of payback for someone else's tempestuous life? I am now being punished for two other people's lives that are and were not my responsibility.

It would seem everyone wants me to either suffer or perform magic tricks.

THE NEVER ENDING NARCISSISM

As always I am having some difficulties with the run up to Christmas.

As per usual people want me to perform tasks that I either cannot do or cannot do and will make me groggy, dizzy and sick feeling for most of Christmas Day.

This means that as well as not listening certain people have been incapable of not reading either and I do not mean this blog either.

The problem that people face today is that everyone, or almost everyone, carries something with then that is not used anywhere near half its potential, the smartphone. As those who have followed and paid attention they have already refused that I have done things with phones, one and sometimes more, with phones most people, outside of computer geeks, could not dream up. To great effect to at times even if no one in authority wants to admit to their existence and source for whatever reason. Yet among my friends and family I was unusually very late to the smartphone party. Very late. Yet despite this most use their phone for the obvious things and so obviously only appear nothing more than a fashion accessory. Some are not even familiar with the choices within settings despite being on the fourth smartphone. But none of this matters. What does, however, is the fact that in the last few weeks it is that very app used mitre than anything else that they have failed to use. Indeed every smartphone is built around one single solitary thing in ever smarter ways. SEARCHING.

These days many of the latest phones can search using voice alone and even touching the screen is slowly going being edged out in favour of gesturing, which I think is much better provided it is implemented skilfully. Unfortunately their are too many cooks about and the food is often rancid to begin with.

What I am ever so slowly getting at is that everyone loves to search, of Google as some still call it. It is right there in their pocket and within arms reach 95% of the time but the only thing I glean from things that people say our do is that they have failed to do this. In my regards at any rate.

This would not otherwise bother me but when suddenly things are expected of me that are clearly either impossible or detrimental then I will get annoyed. That is with anyone related to me.

Then consider a bunch of people who are not only not related to me but their sole purpose and reason for their salaries is to help and support people like me? My next post will explain that at the very beginning of the year I am going to set a number of things in motion. These will be with organisations I have dealt with before and there to help people like me as I already said. In so doing I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all previous correspondence I was being honest and that I am weeks away from rubber stamping this with an official stamp. Though I do not need to, now. I have the condition and the years of letters regarding the symptoms. Disregarding this now they will no doubt realise make then look utterly guilty of their lies, trucks and acts of inhumanity against the British public. What they do not know is that I have already done exactly that, but rest assured I will declare this blog to them in mid battle because this can sometimes force the most hilarious actions and statements. Even if it is at the expense of dumb front line staff or on occasion my own.

In fact while I was typing this out I ended up being asked by three people. Now what is expected of me is a short list of things. But first of I should state that my recent prescription of Amitriptyline has list it's effect as i stated recently and that the returning pain had been quite bad and wise than it was previously. I think I now why because while the pain had receded I was capitalising on this.

I should have foreseen that as nothing lasts forever and I am used to just not being that lucky.

Now another problem I have is the sleeping thing which is in itself complicated...

I have trouble sleeping, both getting to sleep and at times starting asleep. I also trend to wait up with a full and painful bladder which now send to have garnered the attention of my newest GP. If not treated carefully I can go without much sleep which will then make many of my symptoms worse.

Now as they are currently worse than they have even been I am a little more wary about my condition than I normally am.

But I am expected to go off and just spend my Christmas period sleeping in places that do not have enough beds with the living room sofa permanently occupied?!

Now made the above points very clear. I have also made it very clear that I have now pinpointed and certain of what I am afflicted with. I also prove it on this blog.

Now bearing in mind that today is Christmas Eve (2013 in case this is read years later by fellow Fibromyalgia sufferers) and we have the worst weather in many years leading at my house. It had been torrential rain since I woke up, annoyingly late I might add. There had also been a very strong wind whipping around all day making the rain sound like gravel against my house.

So imagine how annoying it is when I just notice a text message starting can I travel to someones house, two buses, as picking me up tomorrow would be too much?!

I wonder if a Fibromyalgia Society might contact me with the offer of emailing my family and knocking them on the head with the proverbial brick to try and get the message home to them?

I have to admit that the lines coming from that one get more and more bizarre with each year that passes and only their own realities seen to matter at all.

Had any one of them taken the time to actually read my last few posts or anything on Fibromyalgia, you can download books from Amazon, Kobo or iTunes for like £1.50 odd, they would realise not only everything I have ever did was true and that I cannot do these things they expect if me midst of the time. When I say I can't it means I can't, it does not mean I can really do cartwheels, it means I BLOODY WELL CAN'T.

Jesus Christ I would NEVER rely on them as witnesses I can tell you, three are so bloody astringent, annoying and self obsessed that I tell you I will get through the whole of 2014 without a single word or text about what I have just posted here?!

Bearing in mind that the one complaining they cannot pick Mr up dies not drive, Lol. One lives 5 minutes away and does drive. One lives half way between me and my destination tomorrow and also drives. My destination is a twenty minute drive.

Well I say my destination... but I am quite happy to stay hear but this is because sometimes Luke's to be centre of attention and all their health problems are far greater than anyone else's.

I would never say that but when I am nagged to do things that are being my capability, or will cause me a lot of pain or make me feel like shot for 24 to 48 hours I end up writing chapter and verse. If someone insinuates there's is just as bad or worse I will repeat the chatters and verses.

Indeed just a few nights ago I was reading out lines from a book after hearing about their condition for the umpteenth time.

Now remember I am reading from a book! A book I have on my tablet and had been there several days. I am reading it because I have just had things stated to me about me doing this I should when I have spent YEARS telling them I simply cannot. Now I can actually read from a series of books and weird for weird exactly how I described things for many a year. I read how I need more money than the average person and need help just to get through the day. I then said about how you cannot tell when your over doing it and should not do to much. I also said that you should not do to little either and even explained why I used to exercise as I felt better. Now I am reading this out from a book and could read it out from several. So try to work out the reaction I got from reading this when they said...

"Well I am not supposed to do anything with my epilepsy but I do!"

Which basically means i should completely ignore signals from my body for thirteen years as well as that of the top experts who have written down the facts in books. No you should just do what is expected of you, from someone who used to call the government fascist slave drivers?! Lol!

For some bloody reason the others will bow to this person and I will get messages asking to to perform somersaults?!

I would dearly love to get into a group of people who have had similar things but I have to admit they would need to be related to someone equally as narcissistic as my particular family member and that would be hard to find and if I did.., oooh I would feel so sorry for you, I really would. LOL.

Anyway to the question of doing somersaults I simply answered with one word with one upper case letter and one lower case letter. No exclamation marks, no sarcastic comments or anything else just that one word. They shed a question and the true and simple answer is, No.

But it will likely turn into something now and there will be some things said because I cannot do these somersaults? Guarantee it and this has been happening for years and will do for the next year too. It will cause conversations a plenty that will go on for his and trustfully over many months. There will be text messages about it all and some bad words said to and maybe even arguments.

Minutes, hours, weeks, months and years?!

All because they do not listen and cannot spend 30 minutes reading a book?