WHY DIDN'T YOU DIE?

Well what do you know?

It seems that some of the hired liars of the DWP do actually ask about mental health stuff?!

Only this was not the case in my experience with Atos, nor others but it seems that with Maximus they do. Only this is one question that they asked ..

"Why did you not succeed in killing yourself?"?!

So then just like if you have all four limbs your fit .. if your still alive your not suicidal because otherwise you would be dead? Fucking lying, evil and utterly stupid morons!

Yeah you just keep on digging!

They have also been told that it is inappropriate to ask to look at self-harming scars?!

Right .. so it is OK to ask someone who self-harms why they have not succeeded in killing themselves yet but is inappropriate to ask to see their scars?! Riiiight!

Hmm maybe if you spent some money actually finding out what ailments are causing this and fucking treat them maybe you would not have to assess most of them?!

In my own issues I have had this for way, way over twelve years and can be traced back over twenty and, like with my Fibromyalgia four years ago, I had to discover for myself this is down to a magnesium problem. A magnesium problem that requires an expensive test, here let me look it up ..

There is the expensive ExaTest that tests intracellular mineral electrolyte levels and is considered the gold standard for magnesium testing. http://www.afibbers.org/forum/read.php?9,154303,154355

So are they likely to do this? No.

This turns out to be not only what is behind much of my stuff but also behind some of my daughter's issues too. More on that in the coming weeks and I have talked about this previously on here.

The Canary and that stupid question ..

https://www.thecanary.co/discovery/news-discovery/2018/06/12/dwp-has-to-tell-disability-assessors-that-its-not-appropriate-to-ask-to-see-self-harm-scars/

DEATH BY MISADVENTURE

There are too many things.

Too many things to think about.

Too many things to do.

Too many things to go wrong and ..

Too many things that hurt.

I have a weekend to get through thinking about how I am going to get out of this mess I have landed myself in.

My head still spins at how so many things have gone wrong. About the one and only thing that was successful was getting back to London in my car but even that was by the skin of our teeth and after a very long journey.

But at the end of the day one thing has become most obvious to me that compounds everything else and that is my memory. It is just too damn much and the panic and anxiety I used to feel over my memory causing me trouble is now the most forefront thing in my mind on a personal level.

I had been asking for help for awhile. I had told several Doctors about this and am sure at least two previous General Practitioners prior to the GP I had in Birkenhead.

I nearly threw out several important prescription pills two days ago because someone was trying to rush me to do something that was not vital. They did not like it when I begged them not to rush me over little jobs that were not vital and because of my memory.

I was told that I just needed to be organised and I stated that with all the mistakes I have made over the last four months and how grand and costly these have turned out to be that they surely cannot be serious?

I went on to say that when I am down or having anxiety attacks the memory gets much worse and even moving my car I nearly forgot a couple of things.

But then there is the .. situation too. There are things I just do not want to do considering my present circumstances and according to the very first meeting with my solicitor I should no be doing anyway.

I am homeless for one thing presently .. technically .. sort of.

I might change my mind about what I am doing and where I am going to live but .. right now I have done something that I have been trying to do for months .. return to London because I still have belongings here I need to sort out. I had originally planned to do this in late October to November but never got around to do because my time was taken up because of the lack of action and help of the public services.

In the end I returned because of some threats towards my car, that I had list the logbook and that it became necessary to sell it and I could not achieve this where I was living in Birkenhead.

There was a plan but the plan kept changing and there was too much reliance on the car it became obvious I needed to sell.

But then at the end I was told two too many things that just compounded the situation and I did not know what to think any longer. It was just too much .. I was having some anger and name calling thrown at me too. This could have been some elaborate plan by someone involved up there but in the end I did not know what to believe. Though I knew I had made one vital error. Though this one error was kept hidden from me in a very good way. The fact that this never slipped out from anyone of the more than five people that could have mentioned it was nothing short of remarkable. It just never occurred to me to do the maths involved which were simple enough.

It also meant that things were being kept from me around six years ago too. Plus some things that were supposed to happen did not take place either.

Huh? It just occurred to me what some of the threats were about .. but .. if there had been any threat in any way it would not have been of my making.

I seem to have lost other items in the moving about too and God only knows where they are?! I lost a recording device for starters .. my little Sony.

But that is done and now I have a whole other set of problems to deal with and I have no idea at all how I am going to achieve these.

I have a plan in place .. well two plans in fact but in my experience my plans do not always work out that well.

I will hold out for a month to see if either of these work out but .. when I try and think about them I end up thinking they will both go wrong.

I am looking up things .. but I always come back to the same conclusion when I end up looking up this type of thing and it always ends up with the same result .. carbon monoxide.

Makes me think of someone I know who is so fed up with things that he wants to go to Switzerland for an assisted death, or voluntary euthanasia! I could not even do this as I have no passport currently!

I knew he had been fed up for a fair old while .. he used to be on disability but had been taken off this like so many others. He lived in Birkenhead too that he found a living hell before returning to Oldham. He found a job on Facebook but it was only temporary and decided that he would rather end his own life in Switzerland than go back to Universal Credit. I remember thinking 'poor bastard' and suddenly all his anger and vitriol made perfect sense to me.

Never thought about my appearance when I returned, well you do not really care about what you look like when your this low.

A friend's girlfriend told me I needed to trim my beard back, cut my hair and should tidy myself up! Go figure. My friend told his sister on the phone I was a lot thinner and looking pretty rough ..

.. oddly I had apologised to someone up in Birkenhead that I very much liked about my dishevelled appearance and tired like state when she saw me about a week or so before I returned.

I still have a damn cough from this awful Aussie Flu that seems to have struck me at the worst possible time imaginable. Unfortunately it is obvious that this illness is not going to kill me but just be damned annoying instead. Despite the fact it has been suggested I 'get that cough sorted out' since returning back to London.

Stories continue to emerge of people that are taking their own lives under extreme pressures and some of those are quite surprising and shocking too ..

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/young-bank-worker-researched-how-8254350

NIGHT AFTER THE NIGHTMARE

Well that has not gone well.

I did not get to sleep until quite late and after the daze I was originally in I started to come out of it but not to a place I wanted to.

I had thought that the daze I was seemingly in might mean that I would not enter the all too familiar crisis stage. However I had forgotten that I had held onto some diazepam and had taken one shortly before that court hearing. So I had fooled myself into thinking I would emerge OK from the stunned shock I was in.

Last night as it was getting later it became obvious that I was going to emerge in a state I was not going to like. I had hoped to go to sleep and that maybe with the sleep I would wake up on the other side of this state but I was having more and more trouble sleeping. Until sometime after 2am when I finally did sleep. Though Fibromyalgia sufferers do not actually sleep in the true sense, yet something else that did not get asked about nor mentioned yesterday. It is 7.13am currently but I have been awake for around 2 hours and been trying to watch YouTube videos on subjects I enjoy but … simply have no interest.

I also seem to have this searing pain in my hip area … more like a very intense … ache. I seem to recall having this in the past, I do not know what it is and I have done nothing to have caused any aching or pain of any kind.

Good God. I really do not know what to do with myself or what I will do with myself today. It is a Saturday and I have one option for the day and it is not a good one and also not one I can conceivably choose. So really I have zero options.

I do fee like I am on the edge of another deep crisis. I had made some plans to counter this but they have yet to play out, not heard from Mind about my first appointment and probably be weeks away when I do. I have someone else going to speak to me next Tuesday but that is next Tuesday.

I am disappointed that I woke up. Been a very long time since I last felt like that, or at least that strongly about being disappointed I am still alive.

I also simply cannot get over the vast contrast to a year ago and there is a galaxy of space between the two.

Hmm I actually think its my glutes that are aching and not the area of my thighs, or at least an area somewhere between the two?

I have been reminded in the last 12 hours that if there is indeed a continuation of the human soul beyond death that I do not EVER want to come back. I will fight kicking and screaming if I am forced to.

I have tried doing a search to see if there is anywhere you can admit yourself too in case things go from bad to worse? It is surprising how little there is out there that does anything more than calling someone up and talking down the phone.

Jesus how are things this bad?

I do wonder about those … others affected with mental illness that are pushed to drastic measures of self harm and wonder what the transition is from self harm and doing something worse? Is it a big chasm or a small step? For some reason that has been playing on my mind since last night. I have had some thoughts about that next step and I wonder what it would take?

I have been here in the past and wished I had the guts and wonder what it would take to acquire them?

You just so much want to flick that switch to the off position and that is what I find as one serious fault to the human body and mind. Or you could also see it as a massive problem with the society you live in too? That people can make decisions that make you feel this bad without giving a crap and all normally because of money. Power too at times.

The funny thing is that, I don't think I mentioned it, but two days before the court appearance I was making up a page of screenshots of my blogs to talk about at the hearing I never bothered to mention when I noticed something. What is funny about it is that it was a little ray of light or hope but I just keep thinking too little too late.

As I looked at the actual blogs as they appear to others I noticed something. Two small adverts on some of the pages on my Blogger blogs? I found this odd as I thought I had taken all the adverts off my blogs over a year ago? I wondered whether or not Google insist on having some ads on there with the excuse of needing money to manage the servers? I do now know.

Then I thought 'well if they have been on there all this time then they must have accumulated some money?' so clicked on the earnings tab and got a little bit of a surprise if I am honest. It was heading for £50. I would have been surprised if it was half that.

I remember thinking how annoying this was as I had predicted that another year to eighteen months I might have actually started to get some small monthly amount, or every other month? Which is why I found the DWP's recent actions so bloody frustrating. I even said to a couple of people I know that if only they had held off for another year losing a percentage of my money, again, would not hit me so badly.

Though to be honest to counter precisely what I am about to lose I would need six times that figure paid every month. Puts into sharp contrast how hard it is for bloggers and YouTubers everywhere.

So no, it does not really help the current situation.

So your in a situation where you want to do stuff … but you don't want to do stuff. You want to watch things … but you don't want to watch things. You want to go and see people … but you don't want to go and see people. Funny this as the problem are respectively that you just want to whither and die, you just cannot get into things or enjoy things and you do not want to be a burden on anyone.

I am old enough and wise enough to see that many people have problems especially today and so I find it funny when you find a website to do with having a crisis and they tell you to phone a family member or friend!

I read that as “Go burden someone else with your problems while we get paid”.

Like a little conversation I had recently about how many bodies and charities there are out there but that no one actually does anything. I was speaking about this with my diabetes friend and I asked him if he was a member of any diabetes charities to which he replied, yes. I then asked him what they had done for him in all the years he suffered with diabetes and he paused for a moment and said “well nothing really” and I think he said something about a newsletter?

Yes because news letters make such a profound difference to your life.

I wonder if I could get to Google's Deep Mind facility I could ask them to install a kill switch about my person so that I may press it? Or perhaps upload myself to a computer to leave the human body's faults behind? Transhumanism, yes that would be one solution. I think. A shame it is not … a thing.

I do hope this feeling passes and does not linger too long but if experience in these feeling has taught me anything is that they are anything but short lived. Weeks and even months can go by before they begin go peter out as I am sure a great many can attest to?

Just another one of those bloody Fibromyalgia symptoms that can and do make your life a misery...no, a living hell.

Hmm … maybe of scientists can prove that there is a soul and it does live on in a quantum state then voluntary euthanasia can finally become a thing? So those of us who got the shit end of the stick can just check out?

That is until such a time that humans can become more ... humane?

Good God this aching pain is unrelenting!

THE MANY SLOW DEATHS

I am dying...again.

The only way I can describe anxiety attacks like I experience briefly is that it feels like I am literally dying. Except it takes a long time, sometimes seemingly forever and … well, you don't die.

Thought to be honest I half expect a heart attack or something else pretty major each time I experience one of these attacks.

I am sure that actually dying would be far less cruel?

It is Sunday and for some reason the anxiety has decided to go onto overdrive yet again. It has more or less stayed at lower levels for a few days but now has suddenly decided to go nuts?

Oddly I just remembered I have now had an email from the Citizen's Advice that states that they can have someone with me at court but seemed to think I was asking for someone for a DWP assessment?! Except as I have pointed out it clearly states in the subject line 'representation to court'!

I cannot believe the mess I have going on with both the Citizen's Advice Bureau and HM Court & Tribunal Service. They have both made such awful and amateurish errors.

I am the one with the anxiety attacks and the memory problems and despite that I can still read and I cannot help but think that they are working together to deliberately play against my two weaknesses of anxiety and memory loss?

How can you make these many errors? Also the court date was many weeks sooner than I expected it to be.

So with mere days to go I have to send two more letters to the court, with hardly any time for them to process them, and try to get the representation from the Citizen's Advice, keep my rising anxiety at bay and I have just found out my sister has gone into hospital so may be about to give birth?!

Plus the mother of one brother's girlfriend has been taken into hospital too.

While I sit here feeling like I am dying … except I just wont .. frustratingly. Leaving me always asking how a human can feel this much pain and still be alive?

I have a letter in my backpack to the court already with their own pre-paid second class stamp on I forgot to post on Friday. Then yesterday I realised my Visa card was missing and that took up a day and I thought it must be in Sainsburys I went there as asked and they had nothing handed in.

A friend that morning had insisted that the banks are open to 4pm and that I should go in there and tell them I lost it. So after Sainsburys I went there … but no as I thought it was not open and according to the times on the door does not open at all on Saturday.

Of course I forgot about my pre-paid second class envelope to go to HM Court & Tribunal Service which is now barely going to have time to be read.

This is the idea and way that justice is handled in the UK today? My God.

Do not forget I have some pretty bad memory problems and bad things happening spark of my anxiety which itself can cause other .. effects. The fact that I have to try and keep on top of all this also helps drive my anxiety over the top.

This week is not going to go well and I just hope everything goes OK for my sister.

LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND ALMOST EVERYTHING

Yeesh. Why can boredom be so bad as to almost be painful?

My sister was telling me very recently how bored she has been on her eternity leave and said it must be really bad for me and how do I do it? The simple answer is I don't, ,not really. I do have periods when I do cope with it. Unfortunately that is slave to one thing I have no control over … the weather!

There are other factors to that come into play … outside influences, organisations suddenly deciding you have to jump through hoops. Your health which can be only very seldom or very frequent. The weather can be more or less frequent if you are particularly sensitive to it, as I am.

A mental health specialist was surprised to learn of my many interests, skills and knowledge while at the same time surprised at my lack of direction and boredom. Especially as I also have blogs that I work on in many of my subjects. But I also explained how they get neglected.

To many it might have seemed like a my musings were that of a deranged conspiracy theorist, except that it was never that far fetched and I planned to acquire the evidence and executed those plans. They never really stopped.

While I am typing this out I am also trying to listen to documentaries on sub-atomic particles, just finished listening to a speech by Miko Kaku.

Theoretical Physicists are always explaining what they do know about sub-atomic particles, what they are trying to prove, via the Super Collider and Large Hadron Collider, about sub-atomic particles and, more importantly, what they do not know about sub-atomic particles.

We have all heard about the Higgs Boson, or God Particle, but there are still things we know little about and things that are only theory, like Gravitons and Sterile Neutrinos to name but two.

I remember being pleased with the announcement of M-Theory to make String Theory … well kind work and I remember thinking of the 'M' stood for Membrane. I think the scientist that came up with it did not divulge the meaning of the 'M' until much later and when he did he said it stood for Magic.

I very much look forward to the creations of greater test apparatus for extra solar planets, gravitational waves and more surprises from sub-atomic particles and how they all work. If I manage to live that long of which there are a couple of question marks over?

Back down to Earth, quite literally, I have to somehow fend off a triple assault on my life that has sent some of my symptoms into overdrive.

Back to wondering why my brain, or body, tortures itself so much and so uncontrollably over things that it should not. Things happening which I should take in my stride but instead have uncontrollable breakdowns over. That is one question that is made up of three different questions.

I have complete morons to deal with that think themselves so clever when the reality could not be further from the truth. You can explain this to them of words of minimal syllables but they are still unable to comprehend. The mind boggles.

Then there is the other question and that is … just what exactly is going on in my own brain that has been boggling my mind for many years?

I may well be about to find out, unless these morons I speak of think its perfectly OK for the public to be lied to and cheating to go on because they believe there is a greater cause that only involves money. More so than human life or suffering … provided they can get away with it or that they think when the public find out they are too selfish for any reactions to take place that allows them to just carry on regardless?

However some things cannot be buried away and lied about. This is because there is an ultimate conclusion that cannot be avoided and that, of course, is death. They simply cannot lie and say there is nothing wrong when they know you will die from what it is they have lied about. Unfortunately for me, though it does not quite feel that unfortunate you might think bizarrely so, death may be the result and those results are … on their way.

After this weekend of the 17^th and 18^th of September will be the period of a week or two when you think you might get that phone-call as that is when the results would have been received. Unless, of course,, it happens sooner.

Many like to play down these possibilities while forgetting that they are in fact possibilities and the signs I have had and what I had read seem to suggest they are much more likely than usual. The times that things are done and the speed that the NHS moves is fixed. Those are the facts and they have even stated them, rather stupidly, on letters and on notices on their own waiting room walls. I did not put these there, the NHS did. I can only go by what I read and the fact is that the NHS takes forever to move a single muscle. This is also not the case this time around and so a third reason that makes me pause for thought.

But things will be what they will be … you cannot cheat fate.

Personally and if I am given a period of time I will spend it enjoying myself kicking the big three public services in the nether regions so hard and for so long they will be feeling me into the next century and beyond.

I can also tell those that think they know everything while being experts in very few subjects, if any at all, “I fucking told you!”

These things do not need a cancerous tumour to take place as I am sure that some cysts can in time become dangerous, if not quite as dangerous as cancerous cells building up in your head? A tumour and a cyst are … lumps, for want of a better term, and pressure in the cranial area is pressure in the cranial area and not good at the end of the day.

The Arachnoid Tumour has popped up as another possibility and maybe there are others I have not been able to come across and research? What I am looking for is something that matches 5 or 6 symptoms and maybe an extra one?

I could just as well be looking for two things to match these symptoms?

Forehead irritation, eye socket irritation, ears and nasal problem, blackouts, seizures and in the case of a brain tumour … stomach pain, though quite how that last one works is a complete mystery to me.

Not only am I expecting the head MRI to answer at least three or four questions … possibly one to all of them, but also the EEG scan should show something is up. Because I jerked three or four times from pain, which is not exactly what it was looking for I do not think, but it is something I get and happened while having all the electrodes on my head. Pain signal goes to brain, brainwaves are being monitored while it happens and so boom! A reading. Might not be linked to the seizures but I received strong pain signals while seated doing nothing so should be noted by health professionals?

So like when I was told there was nothing on my ultrasound test of my groin I will know they will be lying. There was not one but two things on the ultrasound test of the groin and they lied about both of them and then admitted it … while being recorded by me. Thems are the breaks with me I am afraid.

If I can speak to the Neurophysiologist about the Large Hadron Collider, sub-atomic particles, how Graphene works and other areas of science it is not a stretch to imagine that I first cannot be fooled and secondly prepared for it just in case I am?

I have always been prepared for it just in case I am. In fact I had to kind of 'wait it out' so to speak to see if they would ever attempt it again. It is all in the planning and the details.

I just did not know that my bloody anxiety would come back to dog me just when I was about to blow onto the scene again with both old and new … umm, material.

Part of me thinks that this will all really e the test of all tests of the system and the attitude towards human life and human suffering.

After all I am being attacked from all of the only three sides that are available … outside of legal action against my blogs that is. I have pains in my heels, arches, ankles, hips and back and added to this a seriously screwed up short term memory and skin conditions. A few … accidents that have the chance of occurring as well as embarrassing ones I have to deal with. Added to all this are the blackouts, seizures and difficulties with heat and humidity that has me sweating buckets and also another embarrassing thing.

Let us be honest here for a moment and for arguments sake sate I was able to do a job of some kind … who in the world would bloody employ me?! Anyone that would, would be one hell of a brave person! Just the memory problems alone would be a big no-no.

I left my house forgetting to take my medication on Saturday morning. I got ten minutes away when I realised I had left a lit cigarette on the side that was a real fire hazard. I had no choice but to go home, then could not find my keys only to discover them hanging out of the damned lock! This memory issues occurs several times daily … not now and then but daily.

Just that alone would put off almost all employers, quite unfortunate but very true.

Factor in all the pains and other things and then the fact that my condition means that I do not sleep like normal people. Even the physiologist that performed the EEG on me knew the importance of restorative sleep and was fascinated when I explained how Fibromyalgia sufferers never get it and even more so when I explained we are not even allowed the only prescription drug that can deal with this problem.

Except there is a much of morons that seem to be able, and like, to tell you what you can and cannot do?! They also do not like being directly called idiots or you inferring that they are idiots. Well sorry but if you open your gate and say something your not sure about but with conviction because that is your job … then your an idiot.

Whenever I am watching any documentaries to do with particle physics and the evolution of the universe it always results in my brain putting something into contrast.

Today it is that we have habits. Habits that some naïve people and morons alike think we can just switch on and off. I have always wondered why we cannot switch them on and off so I get annoyed with those that think that we can.

For instance I have picked back up what was a very old habit and that is smoking. I cannot quite get my headd around the fact that I have become so reliant on this habit yet again. I know the cause of the reuptake but it still baffles me as to why it is. It is more or less a nervous habit. Yet it does not really do a great deal for nerves, depression or anxiety and yet still we can end up feeling like we would not be able to cope without it. I am sure this is true for many for many other drugs and therein lies our biggest problem.

For years and years TV, the news media and the medical profession has harped on and on about how unhealthy these drugs are and done there best to get people to kick their various habits.

All those years and all that money and yet they have never decided to tackle the root cause of the problem and in fact quite the opposite.

Life has been filled with complications with more and more things to do, more and more things available to us and more and more in the way of bills, taxes and responsibilities. It became apparent a long time ago that this became too much for people and as this number of things to keep track of increased to the problem of bad habit forming has grown. You can also add much to do with crime into this equation too. Yes, not all addictions are down to this and nor all crime but a very large percentage of each will be.

But and as I have stated in the past we have continued to do things in old fashioned ways and allowed more and more things to pile up onto those we already have to deal with.

When your financial situation has certain … constraints then pressure starts to build up and I know this to be true and it has become more and more apparent as the years have gone by.

This is primarily because of my ever more failing memory. But there came a time when I realised that even without memory issues all of this would put pressure on anyone.

Morons that do not realise that companies and public services are not very good at things and do not ggive a crap that they are not very good at things often make mistakes. But companies, public services and morons all say “Ooh put it all on direct debit, then you do not have to worry about it!” which is good if you have a large amount of disposable income. But a large percentage do not or at some point find that their disposable income has evaporated. Maybe they were fortunate enough to see this coming and maybe they were not? The end result is the same though as you still have to end up juggling and you have to remember everything.

We simply cannot take too much on board and we are not very good at multi-tasking, at least beyond a point that is. You have all the trials and tribulations that comes with your career or job and if your in one, those of a relationship as well and maybe even children?

But you still have all this exxcess stuff to keep track of and on top of.

In recent years and with the Internet and crafty video games console companies and social media among many other things the amount of things your bombarded with from the Internet can swamp you to the point that you feel like your drowning.

It is funny how all these large companies just think that everyone has large amounts of money lying around doing nothing that they can dip into at their hearts desire? Anyone owning a Sony Playstation has found themselves having to pay a monthly fee as have those owning Microsoft's Xbox One.

The one thing that you can be certain is that the number of these companies wanting a monthly fee and the number of taxes the government want money for will both increase in amounts and in number.

Of course while your doing all that and juggling everything your told how bad you are and how we are all going to run out of food in a decade or two?! Wait … why keep telling us this? Because they do not want to have to deal with it and we have to take responsibility of all this too?

I sometimes ask myself what exactly it is that governments actually do that actually benefits the societies that voted them in? They look after each other, owners of big businesses and believe their bollocks and do very little for anyone else that means anything.

Just as I predicted on here David Cameron and George Osborne not only made no difference to the national debt but actually managed to make things far, far worse. They went just as I thought they would, though later than I thought, and still things actually seem worse right now than they did when they were in power.

I also stated two things and one is that the destruction was done long before them with Tony Blair over many years and that you would simply get someone else who thinks themselves way smarter than the last one and prove this not to be the case. Mainly because many have realised that Tony Blair screwed things up, as well as commit a few sins along the way, and everyone is a lot smarter than they were.

That does not mean to say they are smart enough and that still remains to be seen.

Now we have Theresa May and whatever cronies she has surrounded herself with … oh I do hope I am wrong about that.

One day I would like to see a change come about to truly make things fairer along with an apology to all disabled people in the UK about how they were treated and tricked.

Ever since Tony Blair was in power the government were creeping up behind disabled people with a large club to bang you over the head with while you were not looking.

I know that in the beginning Doctors and Specialists were not aware of this actually happening and I know this to be true because I have conversations with several of them. One even stated she suspected something was going on and had to do her homework before realising that it was.

Then the reports started to come in from far and wide that Doctors, Specialists and Nurses were being asked to lie about patients. This was so that the NHS saved money and the DWP saved money and indeed those that were doing this asking were from the DWP. It also become obvious to me that this would then save money for every local council too, as they provide support services to the disabled.

The fact that they did this while continuing to receive very large salaries from the public purse themselves filled me with rage. Contempt for these people simply is not strong enough a word for what I felt for each of them. The attitude was if their salaries from the public purse was theirs by birthright? That they were of a different species to everyone else? That they were far more superior and far more important than anyone else.

And he wondered why he got booed at the London Olympics?

The same rule applies to put an end to all this and that is that a large enough section of British society simply needs to realise the truth. Oh and give a fuck about anyone else other than themselves that is.

Still working towards that and it feels like it has been forever and a day.

Now I am going to go back to another of Brian Cox's lectures on particle physics, this time at Cern.

THE CRASHING DOWN

Jesus Christ.

How and why does the human body do certain things to itself?

I had to deal with another shocked person today and this time my landlord. He looked absolutely stunned when I told him that the PIP department requested an assessment and that despite not getting to Upper Holloway and appealing this time they wanted me to go to Brentwood.

He said “I thought this was going to court” and I told him that it was and that I had just gotten my court date that morning in the mail. He simply could not believe how they could not care less it was going to court. Maybe he thought what I did that it had already been decided? I did explain that for me and my experience of zero people actually doing anything and physically helping I had zero faith that the court would be any different.

He asked me what it was I had been told that he would not like and I explained what I had been told about becoming homeless and that I would need a possession order. I was surprised as he was already aware of this. He even mentioned a 'section 21', whatever that is? I think someone else had mentioned that to me recently … the Citizen's Advice, I believe?

Memory! The word 'section' along with a number was definitely used, possibly two different numbers?

After receiving the court letter I had an attack of anxiety before I even got out of the house. I immediately panicked that the anxiety would prevent me from attending the hearing and prayed that this would not turn out to be the case.

Throughout the day the anxiety has been on and off.

God, the feelings you get when this occurs. Take every feeling you can think of and imagine them crashing down. Now try to imagine that being so strong that your legs just switch off. At first you may get wobbly feeling in them and this only gets worse. I often have seen diabetics when their sugar is low and the sway all over the place as if they are drunk. That looks how I felt.

Each step you try to take, takes immense concentration and focus to stop each leg in turn from simply giving way completely.

A little while after my landlord left with his late rent my social worker friend called me up to see how I was. He likes things done certain ways and gets annoyed when they are not. So when I am having a crisis, or many crises he expects me to contact the necessary people and do what is expected. Thus far I have. He asked if I had seen my GP and was I being sent to a psychiatrist and I said that I had asked but was told to wait and see what Mind had to say. He could not believe that especially as I had been to A&E and my GP had been informed. I told him that the lady at Mind had already asked why he had previously told me to contact Citizen's Advice over asking for help with my memory issues and trouble doing my daily tasks.

It is now getting a little worrying as a list of odd things is beginning to mount up …

• Promised to be sent to a Osteopath over my back several times I never got
• On asking about help and support with memory issues and disability, told to speak to CAB
• Same time as referral for Neurology a Colonoscopy appointment has gone astray
• Postural Hypotension and suspicion of epilepsy appear to be something far more serious

You ask for help and nothing comes.

This just seems to carry on. That is until you get to a stage you cannot deal with yourself and you get so low that you simply seem to lose the will to live. If only it was that easy as literally doing so would be such a comfort.

You lose interest in all around you.

You lose interest in all that you enjoy.

You eventually lose interest in all that you love.

Things already difficult do so suddenly seem monumental tasks.

These tasks building up only result in adding to the pressures being experienced.

You try to think of all the ways you can deal with it yourself.

You find nothing and in the end you ask others who only give you the obvious things you have already tried.

You end up trying to approach a higher tier for help and only find out there are hoops you have to leap through and procedures to follow.

Different tasks start to build up.

Eventually they appear mountainous.

You start to ask yourself if anyone took any notice of anything you said?

In my case it is my ever failing memory mainly but along with the pains and difficulties.

What I was handed was a phone number to a 'Crisis Team' and I had forgotten about them and had used them before, but not in this area and a long time ago. Though I had a brief skirmish with a psychiatrist a couple of times about five or six years back.

These hoops and tasks are no help when your already forlorn. When your life already is empty and your aim directionless. Your life … meaningless.

You ask the unanswerable question … why?

There must be more to life than just this? It should be way better than simply trying to deal with pain, emptiness and avoiding the poisonous spears thrown at you from all directions?

But dozens if not hundreds sit in their ivory towers and armoury loaded with spears and think they are performing a special duty. They think they do this for the public, shockingly. Confusingly.

You stand their with legs buckling. Trying to hold everything up as it tries to come crashing down around your ears. You pray for some light. Something, anything from someone to show you the way.

As I said to my social worker friend … what has surprised me is that three professionals with one an A&E Doctor, one experienced nurse and now a member from Mind have all seemed aware of bad things going on and shaken their heads in disbelief.

The question is for me is if I can survive long enough to get through something like this yet again and come out the other side? Also will the other side be worth seeing? Is there anything left or anything new to make life interesting and worthwhile living again?

So right now my rent payments seem to be sorted and just hoping that they do not cancel them again or get the idiot idea that the date they paid me is now a new date to send payments … well over a week late.

While I wait to see if the rent payments return to normal I have also to stop the DWP from allowing me to starve, possibly to death, and contact the court over some documents and the Citizen's Advice about the court.

Good grief! We are still only in September and this has turned out to be one shitty year and to think I thought that the fact that the crap summer stopping me from getting photos and videos for my blogs and YouTube channel could not get any worse? OOPS.

THE DOCUMENTED MIND

The heart clearly on the sleeve.

Right at this moment as I type this, likely 24 hours before posting, I am inbetween appointments and I mean appointments on the same day.

I met with an assessor at Mind and spent most of it blowing her mind and having her punching the are with a much exhaled “Yes!”

We did not cover everything about me and that usually takes well in excess of two hours and we only had an hour and it was an initial assessment.

She spotted something about me physically.

She came to many realisations about me intellectually that amazed her and I always find it uplifting when people realise that.

To her horror she found out what had been done to me over and over again and in the different ways I was affected.

She reeled in what seemed like a combination of surprise and glee at what I have managed to do with a certain situation I was involved with documented much on here and over for some time and the blogs. She did not ask for the address, like the Doctor at North Middlesex Hospital did, so her punching the air was something of a surprise.

Maybe I will get asked for it at a later date?

Maybe they already knew of my blog and had wondered if it was me and why she punched the air?

Hmm that would be very cool.

I do not exactly hide my real name on-line … tooo many sad and bad people do that and gives off the wrong signals. I do however, have an on-line nickname and … well … that is pretty much obvious what it is. Lol.

Nearly forgot my rent, yes I finally have it, and had to jump off a bus before it carried on its journey! Damned fibrofog is a pain in the arse.

Did a bit of a hobbled journey home that has buggered my legs and feet and made me feel 80 once again. I did this to switch to my bike for the remainder of the day and to get to my second appointment.

I cannot help but think of the times my life has been documented. I am sure that there will be more times over the coming weeks? There may be more in the coming days arranged before even the end of today?

In fact I am even sure a report is being made about me to be passed on? Judging from something the assessor said to me.

In times on many occasions my mind has been documented. Each of those times they were many things not known.

I feel so tired.

Almost always so tired.

Journeys I make and places I go. Each time looking for answers. Each time like an outstretched arm from the darkness. Hoping for someone with a light.

Fast forward me suddenly waking up wondering where I am and realising I have a little over half an hour to get to my second appointment, that was actually scheduled for ten minutes earlier than the time I had I my head and I am back home.

“I hear you have been to A&E?” I am asked by the GP.

“My God, they work fast! I was not even they told GP's anything.” I answered. I have never been to hospital in my life and then have a GP mention that I had been to one. Ever.

I had made the appointment to ask about the Diverticulitis Colonoscopy which I am told yet again has actually been referred. I did think he had said this last time I asked him a month or likely two months ago. My memory, you see? He did the fingers in the waste and asking you to cough, thing, where he has something hit his fingers which should not happen apparently. I get a popping there rather like a hernia, though in my right waist I am not familiar with any hernias that occur there and I pretty much thought I was familiar with every type of hernia. I have two and have had one repaired, you see?

I did tell him I had been to Mind earlier that day and when he asked how it went I said I think I blew her mind?

I had told him that I had been having troubles for sometime but am so fiercely independent and I might mention it but I never push hard for it. Help, that is. I did, after all, mention to him that I needed help and he suggested I speak to Citizen's Advice. I now remember that we spoke about that at Mind and they said “Why would you talk to Citizen's Advice about that?” with a confused look and grin and I said “I know, right?” before I then said “Well they will just do about anything to save money or stick to what they have been told to do by the NHS, corruption and all that” and she said something about how terrible it is in the UK.

Blimey. It is only Thursday and from last Saturday onwards I have had one, very good, nurse, one, also very good, Doctor and now a Mind assessor all state about how bad things are in the UK?!

Blimey! Maybe the message is getting through and it IS sinking in?

Wonders never cease!

AS strange as it may sound … hearing these three people say these things has actually had a positive effect on me, without me realising to begin with.

I think part of my problem within the annals of my mind is knowing the truth but thinking that I am so utterly alone and feel cast adrift on a vast ocean and feel the only one.

I was asked if I was getting any counselling and I said that I was but I was told I would have a bit of a wait. I do not know whether that was a kid of do not expect something imminent and would be a couple of weeks or another six weeks like I waited for the assessment?

As well as the DWP now asking me for a second assessment in just a few months, despite the fact that there is now going to be a court hearing, I have had a phone-call from the DWP to say they are sorry but they seem to have lost my claim for ESA.

Remember this is with me doing everything I can and even getting advice from the Citizen's Advice Bureau. So no doubt in around a months time I will have my Personal Independent Payments stopped and there is a race to see if the ESA will pay me money before that takes place?!

Hmm … did I mention the GP? Looking surprised at the fact I have already had an MRI and the results coming through in as little as two weeks?

God, I am tired.

Surely life is not meant to be this bad or hurt this much?

My life currently is an absolute polar opposite to what I thought it would be this time last year. With everything that took place last year I thought I would be riding it high during 2016 and that whatever time I had left in this world would be a damn site easier. But no.

Oh and would you look at that? I have just right now had the court date come through the door and it is about the same time that I will lose my PIPs, or shortly after the court appearance.

You know I took one look at the letter and the court date and I just got this really unnerving feeling and a thought crossed my mind. I hope it was just nerves but I thought 'They are corrupt too, I am going to get screwed'.

Perhaps it was the rapid date and the lack of any mention of their previous serious error in stating I was losing my PIPs before I even received a letter for the assessment of PIPs? The fact that the court date will occur before I have even had my ESA application processed is something of a concern too.

I am getting stress out right now as I have been looking for the letter of the assessment request by PIPs to attach on this post but cannot find it.

Oh, turns out I already scanned it.

Oh well, looks like I will finally get my wish to see of the courts are up to no good too, well at least this … small tribunal? But one small court being guilty brings the rest of them into question, right?

God, I cannot keep track of all this!

One thing at a time, Martin. Neurophysiologist next and it is probably curtains for me anyway judging how bloody rapidly the NHS have been moving over my symptoms and head MRI?

Part of me still hoping that something terminal is found to force all this to be over. May sound extreme but it has literally gotten like that and my recent anxiety attacks along with their intensity has made me realise this will just keep on repeating until I find a way out of it.

Unfortunately my books and the blogs were supposed to be a way out of all this, with the help of a little court case that was supposed to end at the end of 2015, but it seems that was not to be.

THIS IS THE WEEK THAT MIGHT BE

Well I have gone back to waking up early.

Very little in the way of anxiety though. For now.

I did have a weekend with nothing really happening and ended up not going out Sunday at all, not even to get tobacco. I just could not find the drive to get out. Not that there was much I could do.

So now it is Monday morning on the 18^th July and I have just a few days left before I have that blasted decision made for me and God knows how long before I get notified of it.

I only have two places I can visit locally and both are friends and I try very hard not to go there too much. Not one for wanting to even come close to overstaying my welcome.

It is 7.45am right now and I checked my emails without thinking of the time, lol. Of course there was not going to be any of the responses I am hoping for, asking me to come down or call them and then come down.

These limbo like periods really are the worst.

Of course now the weather decides to pick up now that I am all over the place and cannot think straight. I have been waiting to get out wit my two cameras filming whatever I can. One of these is a GoPro type camera for acquiring sub-aquatic filming and photographs. With that aquatic world opened up to me there was now a potential to spend the summer acquiring and uploading hundreds of new films I have not acquired before. This would have propelled my YouTube channel and two of my blogs much higher and therefore the traffic much higher too.

Best laid plans and all that.

I just hope I can find the inspiration and drive to get out and do something? Even if it is just a few times and I manage to acquire a dozen or so things to add to the collection.

I already have a shop singled out to sleep in but it is the case of panicking about my belongings and the council are supposed to store your stuff if they make you homeless but I have never done this before. That is if at all goes bad of course.

To get out with my cameras I am trying to think about travelling light and not pack up a big camera sling bag to go out, too much in the way of effort needed.

The GoPro type camera is small and the other one I have a small holster for, though I could not call the Nikon P900 small … exactly. But it is a holster and has a belt loop so I might be able to manage something … I hope.

I still think of the situation as weird and very unexpected as all of last year I had this picture of what 2016 would be like and it has turned out very different to how I thought it would, quite the opposite in fact.

I sometimes wonder how many people ave actually died because of situations like mine and how I now notice that it is never talked about or reported. I mean there must be mustn't there? Those that take their own lives, those that have heart failures or attacks? Maybe even those that die of exposure? Maybe even those murdered by someone in the middle of the night because they are out and exposed?

I mentioned about sleeping on park benches to a mate and he said “You do not want to do that. You don't know who is about!” lol.

Of ccourse I am still awaiting my second of two letters regarding hospital appointments.

I have also obviously asked myself about the outcome of these hospital referrals and not just about what the answer might be. Because I know that they have … lied about the test results in the past and on here someone in my arcchives are recordings of Doctors telling god awful lies and one specialist being confronted by me and admitting he lied about an ultrasound test result. It was easy to confront him because not only had I seen the monitor and that it showed two things but the man performing the test spoke about them. On black lump on my right side of my groin, where an inguinal hernia was repaired and pain was emanating from and a new but small hernia starting on my left groin. This second hernia was in fact .. predicted by the man that repaired the first one, a Martin Klein.

Now I would like to think that because I recorded them and because of these blogs they would not be so stupid as to try lying again about test results.

But then I did not think that the DWP would be so stupid as to single me out and come after me again and in such a stupid and backwards fashion too. Backwards because they are going after my Incapacity Benefit, yes I still get it, and therefore my Housing Benefit and yet not touching my Personal Independent Payments which is in effect my Disability Benefit. But they are doing it this way which is kind of … well backwards, for want of a better term.

Mind you I have since had a questionnaire regarding my Personal Independent Payments and despite the fact that they are 'Is this portion of your condition better or worse' questions you do have to wonder. Especially as reviews are normally every three years and it has been only eighteen months?

Of course as a result of the actions of another of their departments the answer to around 6 to 8 or more of the questions is 'harder'.

Therefore if they decide to cut or stop that benefit too then they would have made it damned obvious they have singled me out for whatever reason. This is eater a random singling out or it is because they want to stop me blogging about them.

Oddly if enough visitors to my blogs over the past four years had told enough people who had all visited my blog then this would not have ever happened.

Part of the reason for this is not getting a hold of some court paperwork I thought I was going to get at the end of last year. If, of course, there was any court paperwork at all. Some think there wasn't...no everyone now thinks there wasn't if I am honest!

Still, that was then and this is now and I have to concentrate, if I can, on staying on the right line, if there is indeed a 'right line'.

To confuse things further a friend of mine is going away, yeah I know could you possibly throw anything else in at this point right? The only thing is that when he goes away he is giving me a key to look after his animals. You might think a week is not too bad but is a lot to take on with everything that could happen to me. Well how about two week? A bit much? What about three?! I am not going to bother with four weeks and go straight to the crux of the matter that it will be 5 weeks and two days that he is away.

So with everything else that might be happening I have someone less around to talk to for five weeks and then have to worry about two Goldfinch Muels, a Budgie, a four foot aquarium, three ponds with frogs and toads in, one with Koi Carp in and a Snapping Turtle. Yeah … that Snapping Turtle there is a video of on my YouTube Channel. Oh yes and some Adult Fire Salamanders and over half a dozen your salamanders.

I think that is everything? Lol.

I have told him that I simply cannot go in every other day like I did when he was away last time, it really took a lot out of me and that surprised and worried me. There will be someone going in every other day but they are not really animal people and have a tough time looking after themselves by all accounts, well one of the two has difficulties.

It may sound really, really stupid that doing anything seems monumental and I agree, it is tupid to me too. I dare say anyone that has had anxiety attacks or Fibromyalgia may know where I am coming from and they would likely agree too.

After all getting out on my bike always helps me deal with things and has done for a along time, as well as giving me the light exercise needed for Fibromyalgia and if you did not know sitting on your backside with Fibromyalgia can be as bad as doing too much. Light exercise keeps things on a certain level whereas doing too much or too little has a very negative effect. On the pains, anxiety and depression you get with it and even my skin seems better once I am out on my bike every other day and have done that for a couple of weeks. Otherwise it starts to look like something from a horror movie and takes a load of pure tea tree oil to keep it down.

I used to think many years ago that it was UV radiation from the sunlight in summer that kept the skin conditions at bay but I now know it is the exercise, or rather cycling, that has an effect on everything.

As of right now I need to get some little twisted coils for my Kangertech Subtank Mini atomisers I use for vaping. I also have to take Java Moss from my aquarium to a friends store as I promised him 5 days ago. But the tasks seem monumental … or at least always do until I am out of the house for around ten minutes. Ten I will enjoy it to some degree and it will take my mind off things momentarily and if not for these things I would probably not get out of the house at all?!

THE TRIALS OF BEING HUMAN

I am on a bus I've never been on before.

Going to a place I have only been to once and only briefly but thought about it a lot the last few years.

It's the only thing I could think of to do.

I'm having a bad couple of days ... something of an understatement I'm afraid.

I'm not going into this right now but will at a later date ... except I don't know when ... which is kind of the problem ... sort of.

Many of my usual destinations have been totally ruled out for today and the next couple of days. May possibly be longer than that. Again I'll get to this later ..  umm I hope!

Oddly the place I'm going has a lot of ... shops but I have no money presently to spend. Lmao!

I needed new scenery and the pitstop between bus routes seem to suggest this may help?

I've found myself in a very unusual hole and it's one I simply never foresaw. I suspected something like it which would have occurred in five days time but not this and not now.

To say the wind has been blown out of my sails simply would not do it justice.

I'm both depressed and furious in a manner of speaking but it's the former and not the latter that has been winning that war.

I've questioned my faith in human nature a fair deal in the last few days.

I've also questioned if posting on these blogs is a good idea any longer? I won't know the answer to that for awhile either.

I have 48 hours more of this and my phone is playing up doing this as usual but with a new trick of making the keyboard disappear every couple of minutes, like then, for no reason!

My other phone had been running apps on its own and tried to buy music or something couple days back!

Weird, annoying and worrying times indeed.

I dearly hope the scenery is very much brighter 48 to 96 hours from now?!

Bummer.

MADNESS ON A PLANE

I saw and read about what happened with that aircraft going down and fixed to do so by someone with mental game issues.

Such a terrible tragedy.

There is not much I can say about it that has not ahead said.

Instead, however, I am going to state something I have said before on here and several times to and this sad tragedy has outside that which I have stated.

Also I am referring to here in the UK and not Germany but it matters not because the tragedy proves something I have stated before and nails it home.

I'm referring to both the way the mental health sufferers were both cute loose and also has their money cut down by mitre than half. It also is to the idiots, like an old man I heard the other day, that thinks all the troubles are caused by the welfare system. Your both stupid and extremely bad at maths if you think this, sorry but it's the truth.

Now I stated that when cut loose these people can and will both steal, thieve and possibly injure or even kill.

Now take away all the money and support and what do you think we'll happen with the figures of all the above?

I also stated that if you ignored this and one of these incident or even the trouble tragedies occurred to with you personally or someone you cared about, who would you have to blame? The idiots you listened to, believed and voted for like the mindless sheep you are?

No, YOU!

If you don't realise our take the time to fact check then your to blame, nit the person you voted for... thigh admittedly they have plenty of other things to be guilty about that's for sure.

Rising crimes, murders, burglary, muggings and God only know what else which you were responsible for all because you right you would get a few quid in your pocket each week?

Well no, that's not selfish nor is it draconian much.

Face up to reality as well as your responsibilities and don't just decide on what's wrong or what's to blame on a WHIM!

After all, I spent years working my fecking butt off in pain, into the darkest and depraved places in the human mind and at my own cost and for free bit just to help those who gave been victims like me but to also teach others to wake the fuck up!

Be responsible for one and maybe you won't spend five years being...living in denial or possibly even with a secret guilty complex for the next five years?

Just maybe.

Alps crash: Lubitz 'had treatment for suicidal tendencies' - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-32113507

MEDIA CALLS DEPRESSION A DISABILITY

Well what do you know?!

The UK Government, or indeed their Puppet Masters, have been gradually erasing ailments off the list of those classed as disabled abs here is a news report whereby simple depression, not so simple, I have seen linked as a disability for the first time EVER!

LMAO!

Global impact of depression revealed http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-24818048

GP DECLARES CURE FOR ALL MENTAL ILLS

This is really going to be a breakthrough?!

Someone who is kind of part of my family went to their Doctor and said they were feeling depressed. As it turns out the Doctor had a miraculous new cure that she then divulged to him and it will change the worlds and save billions of pounds?!

The treatment is as follows and as directed to do by the GP, in North London yet again...

..."When you first look at yourself in the mirror in the morning...SMILE!"

I kid you not! What a patronising bitch?! She is damn lucky she did not day that to me I would have exploded in a tirade of abuse and but rested until she was struck off!

What patronising and condescending attitudes they have, what do they think they are a higher firm of life as will as intelligence?!

It is an absolute disgrace that people can be treated and lied to in this way and I will make sure that 2013 will NEVER be forgotten by ANYONE prepared to treat people like crap!

When you compare this to the attitude to everyone working and those but working which includes disabled people it is starting to show signs of similarities with concentration camps?!

That is how I felt when i was lied to about the unsound scan telling me blatantly lying that I don't have s hernia that will kill me that I artwork do have and he knew it too!

My landlord owns his own building firm and I bumped into him today. When i told him what had happened regarding the lying Doctor and that I had also recorded it he reacted with shock. I think he has lost count of the number of times I have shocked him and her then said "It's bollocks ain't it?!" Lol.