ALWAYS STOOD IN LINE FOR THIS

Things are somewhat … surreal.

I stand at a junction consisting of many, many roads.

For each I know not the destinations and some lead to dark places, very dark indeed.

Without a home, dead or dying are but some of the possibilities.

But I wonder on what to do despite having done so much and wonder on how strange it seems to attempt to carry on as normal during the interim.

In my life I have stood in a great many lines to unknown places that mostly have consisted of horrors and nightmares. I have typed, waited, plotted and planned on explaining all of this to as many others as I could. To bare all that I have experienced and endured. Along the way collecting what evidence, actions and inactions that I could and publish to a very wide audience.

Late 2015 I thought myself on the brink … a cusp of greater things and transformations to all that I know. Mid 2016 and none of this has occurred and I find myself back in familiar nightmares about to be played out yet again?

As I said … surreal.

Maybe this was an inevitability I simply did not foresee?

Perhaps it was always destined to be?

Would I have to relive the nightmares while I typed and posted to the wider global audience? Was it to be with the darkest possibilities waiting to unfold while being treated in the most inhumane ways before the wider public caught notice? Was this always the way that it would have to play out?

Dates race towards me with surprising velocity. Many things are imminent.

I do wonder that the diagnosis already made along with those to come while the public services exact their inhumanity might be so unique as to appear as the biggest shock to the wider audience?

After all making me homeless without good reason only provides the audience with the very real possibility that an attempt is made to shut things down that they fear and have done for a very long time. But doing so while in the cusp of revealing ever darker things should make this all the more horrid to those that bear witness.

For the longest time I felt my fate was already laid out for me while religious types remained convinced I had been given some higher purpose, against all my beliefs of my scientific mind.

There was the phone-call of the innocent voice of uncertainty.. Literally. I had been expecting this and it is three days later than I thought I would get it. My landlord!

Explaining the things that have occurred and the imminent dates to come his voice of disbelief could clearly be told. His voice rants off the attitudes off the public services as they think that all of society stands still and waits for them to get their acts together.

Dishonest … stubborn .. narrow minded … without compassion ... selfish.

The wider public are growing very weary of their attitudes and with every passing month I see ever more evidence that in time they will have no choice but to change. Or be deconstructed..forcibly so.

As for me I sincerely hope that when this event is over that fate, God or whoever is done with me … because I am done.

Anxiety may be at low levels but the fear that the stretched heart string, palpitations and wrenched nerves will return and that my ability to think or do deserts me as in the past?

I have still been told nothing of the fate of my belongings by Enfield Council and have asked them each time I have contacted them via email. In person I forgot both times as I did on the phone too.

Like I said … many things are imminent. September is going to be one of the worst and busiest months that my life has witnessed in many, many years. The most nerve wrecking too no doubt.

I feel the wind may be rising?

Thought has strayed to continuing on while being in the worst possible position imaginable to almost anyone. The actions against me may render the lack of feeling to my legs as permanent. I may be told I have only so long to live? To cap it all there is the possibility of being homeless to save money and make those responsible look good and keep their jobs longer?

What I find amazing is that no one thinks me mad any longer and every single one I have met see these actions for what they are. I hope naivety is not too widespread and this is how it is taken on the blogs where I publish this stuff. As one guy commented recently about those that remain doggedly naïve … that they would fall foul to these actions, or inactions, eventually.

Realisation suddenly come over me as I recalled a friend who died of a brain tumour a few years back, that was also something off a major surprise. What are the odds that this would happen twice to two friends?

I ponder the possibility that the winds might rise also? Will the ultimate sacrifice shock those that watch to their cores? Will the truth wash over them with such fervour that it acts like a catalyst and forces these watchers into action? Will the stories be told and the truth spread like a virulent disease? Might the actions and sacrifices finally get close to their intended destinations? Will some good finally come from all of this? Will change for the better start to take place akin to seeing the first signs of green leaves appearing in a barren wasteland?

Will it be remembered?

Like a storm rising fast and spinning with ever greater intensity will the people rise up and force those ultimately guilty out of their houses of death and onto the never ending roads?

Like a whirlwind in my mind that conjures up many possibilities and scenarios. Each one with an outcome that benefits all of mankind.

Will the evil that abounds fall upon the burning mounds? The naïve opening their eyes and banding together to root out all evil? Would mankind once again be allowed to move forwards and not sideways or back? Will we ever shed the beasts that lay within us?

Will I ever live long enough to see the fruits of my labours? Most probably and sadly not.

Ten days could be all that it takes?

The tunnel exit is stretched out before me and the light too blinding to see.

In the darkness the anxiety awaits.

WHEN YOUR END MIGHT BE NIGH

Well I have been relieved of my responsibilities ... as of last night and two days later than I had first thought.

My friend returns from his five and a half week long holiday around 4pm today.

There is a lot he does not know. Like my rent has yet to be paid and assessed and that the appointments over my seizures and blackouts are so imminent it will blow him away. Two appointments would have been completed within two weeks leaving a final one next February. I think it was next February.

Though it remains to be seen for obvious reasons whether or not this February appointment gets moved forwards. I suspect if it is anything dangerous, ,like the brain tumour possibility, it will be brought forward. If it is Narcolepsy I am not so sure as I am not so sure if there are any dangers associated with Narcolepsy? I mean I do not know if you can just fall asleep walking across a road? I for one have certainly never heard of that but the way some symptoms are described you do wonder. I have not even had it force me to fall asleep even while talking with someone. Not that I talk to many people, you understand?

So I have been sitting on these letters for about a week.

I really have found little time to do many things I normally like to do for the past five weeks and I had a hard enough time finding the time previously. Along with remembering to do things or cover subject matters in posts.

I dread to think how many posts never got made from the outset? A lot, that is for certain.

I am only doing this now because I have only just now photocopied the scan appointment letters because I have to send copies off to people. One is the court that will be hearing my case against the DWP and the NHS will be mentioned too.

So at the moment what I am trying to do is that along with the Fibromyalgia and knee symptoms I am trying to show that I have indeed been having the blackouts and the seizure I mentioned and that this might not be good news.

So even if they do want to act inhumanely and make me homeless they may well decide to put of this act of inhumanity until I know for sure what it is that is afflicting me?!

After all who wants to be a homeless bum while dying of a brain tumour? Hmm I wonder if voluntary euthanasia might finally be available to me?!

I have told the court that the idea of voluntary euthanasia is a far more appealing prospect than life in the UK the way that it has been for me the last twenty years.

In fact i even mentioned that my sole distraction currently is watching documentaries on astronomy along with quantum mechanics and quantum entanglement on YouTube, I kid you not!

Even right now I go back to being bored but the anxiety attacks seem to be subdued to a level that is manageable for now and hopefully the weather stays good, sunny and fairly cool and I might actually finally get out with my cameras over the next week?! Fingers crossed. After all I might not get to do much more of that a month from now?! Fingers crossed it wont end up that way?

Anyhoo ..

Here are the medical appointment letters for an imminent MRI at Chase Farm Hospital and another almost imminent appointment at Royal Free Hospital for ... something or other Both appointments are to do with the seizures and blackouts. Also as I stated before it turns out that these appointments are made for a couple of weeks, if thought to be urgent, or eighteen weeks if not. Mine are obviously of the former and not the latter. Strange to put that on the backs of the letter without actually telling me what they think it might be.

Now to me this would make people think it must be the worst case scenario, if they make appointments so soon but have failed to tell you anything at all. Don't you think?

A DAY OF HOPE

Well I call it a day of help but I have this terrible nagging in the back of my mind that continues to be negative.

Today is the day when things could change back around in my favour and I hope it will do so because it could, should, mean the end of the anxiety. Except for that nagging in the back of my mind I have had the last couple of weeks.

It could turn out to be a blessing in the oddest of disguises.

If things go very well and they would have to go very well, it should give me a massive boost that should propel me. I am already thinking that if my feelings get a lot better from a good day then hopefully I will be back on my drive to get out with my two new cameras to get lots of content for my other blogs and my YouTube channel.

Except I see raindrops for the first time in weeks and the weather seem to say we were going to have a couple of rainy days. Still, I am thankful for the cooler temperatures as it was only compounding everything. But it might take a couple of days for the thoughts and feelings to get back to normal anyway and for the anxiety to go completely, I just do not know.

Of course this is all replying on the fact that I get the first actual help after asking for the umpteenth time and over a ten year period.

I have lived here for 9 years and for a couple of years before I lived here I had asked for help for similar things. I would wager heavily that I have made over 200 approaches for help in thirteen of fourteen years and there have been times even before that I have requested help.

Going on ratios when it comes to receiving help from anyone I have had zero percent and when I have helped myself it has been a poor success rate of probably less than fifty percent, though in the recent past this has improved somewhat.

There ave been five legal challenges against me and every one of them has failed so you would think that this time I should be full of confidence? But I wasn't, got struck by the dreaded anxiety and no one was more surprised than I was.

One way or another I need to actually do something about this condition of mine because it is clear it is not going to go away. Mind you that could all become academic after next month depending on the outcome of the hospital thing. I might not have long to live or might be epileptic and even if it turns out to be the latter it could stop my cycling. That would not be good to live with, let me tell you as I basically survive on cycling during the warmer months when I cannot travel by bus or train.

Ooh my first cup of tea in many days.

Just been looking up what other causes could be behind my seizure and blackouts and I had seen various types I had never heard of and a couple of no-epileptic seizures called PNES and NEAD where the 'NE' stands for Non-Epileptic.

I do no know about either of these but my money is on me NOT being epileptic because of when it is tat they occur. It is always from rising and until lately where I was just standing upright from leaning forward a few times have always been from crouching or a sitting position and standing up. It is not spontaneous or random. Almost always occurs from around midday until around 5pm for he most concentrated occurrences. Indeed this is why the GP thought it was Postural Hypotension but they were so strong and I was on the verge of collapsing so many times that I had my doubts about that. Though I never thought of looking up if Postural Hypotension can actually do that ..

Te worry for me is that the fatigue and lack of drive had been kicking in long before the trouble with the DWP started brewing. It was something I had planned to bring up with the GP, despite him having only just become a GP, when the anxiety struck.

I have my list of 7, or might be 8 now, reports printed out and stapled together where they need to be sitting beside me.

I will take all of the reports with me and see what they are interested in keeping a hold of. The reports are for a variety of people I will be seeing over the next four to six weeks. As stated before my memory has been bad a very long time and slowly getting worse. SO I cannot always think of things which as probably screwed up a lot of meetings and appointments if I am honest. It has been amazing how many people do not take this into account. Including friends.

Damn! I just remembered my old phone. I forgot to charge it last night, remembered this morning and then forgot about it again, really that is how it goes, and after being awake for over 3 hours remembered it about 20 minutes ago and then forgot again. I just turned to look at where it is meant to be charging and was not there. So the whole time I have been typing this out, every ten or twenty minutes or so, I had not remembered it once. I forgot to charge my new phone too but that takes only about 20 minutes to charge fully, often less as it is still always 50% to 90% charged from the day before. Without using, my old Moto G runs out almost completely, or does in the middle of the night, and seems to take 2 to 3 hours of charging to get to full. Still I only need enough battery power for the phone to stay in standby for around 5 hours. Or in other words, until I get home.

Really it is mainly because of one phone-call that never seems to come though others might not have my new number as I may ave forgotten to give everyone it. Oh like my landlord! I must do that!

Having serious issues with my 'H' key among others. Keeps missing keystrokes and I seem to get letters in spellings the wrong way around. Been happening for some months and is somewhat … worrying what with the other symptoms pointing towards a possible brain tumour, lol. But that is something that will be looked at in two weeks time. Well .. a little less than two weeks and I have a report for that! Lol.

Will NEVER buy another keyboard from PC World.

Sometimes when you have too much time to kill before an important meeting or appointment in can be a pain in the arse. Been debating whether to go to it by bike or bus but I do not want the bike getting stolen, it is a somewhat higher crime area than that where in live by several levels, lol. I thought about visiting some friends beforehand but would be too much. I have been on the bike for three days solid so hopefully the being on foot should not be too bad. Fingers crossed.

I think that may what has been diminishing my drive, at least partly? Lately even the shorter distances I do ave seemed like a ten mile hike for each and every one of them. I think about shopping and then think about the journey to my nearest Sainsburys and I think 'Ugh!' It is why I got my old bike out as I am simply not doing things and going places, not that I have a lot to do and I stopped window shopping 6 months ago when a line of communication became cut off. As I have said many times, weather been crap and I ave been .. apprehensive of even doing my work at closer distances since that full on seizure. The thought of damaging the new cameras does not help either! I am hoping for a pill that will result from the hospital appointment that I can take around midday which will stop any blackouts or seizures from occurring? I hope and pray.

Of all the lists of things one would have to hope for and worry about mine are .. starving to death, being made homeless, becoming unable to walk and dying from a brain tumour in that order. Though if the first three start to look likely or even become fact the last would be a blessing.

Hmm August and September this year, 2016, already look to be the most two bizarre consecutive months of my entire life?!

If you had not worked it out, or more likely had it long before you read this, I have a meeting with Citizen's Advice today. Whether this will lead to any more meetings I do not know but I also ave a Neurology appointment in a couple of weeks. Then another meeting of Minds in early September and whether anything else, oh crap local council .. must do that tomorrow, will occur I do not know.

THIS IS THE WEEK THAT IS

Well I got my decision through three days early, maybe earlier than three days, and it was a negative one.

I then phoned Citizen's Advice and they have booked me in for a second meeting with them and they double checked that I sent my ESA application in. I said no and they asked why I then explained that I took it into the Jobcentre as it stated on their website you can do that but that they refused to take it. They went away, made an appointment and said that the Jobcentre was wrong to do this, surprise, surprise.

Over time that this process takes place the Citizen's Advice have more surprises in store, unless they already know the whole story but they were surprised I was turned away by the Jobcentre. I was not. This suggests strongly that the Citizen's Advice do not know the whole story.

In which case they are in for some real surprises.

I decided to go to a friend's store to drop of something he had asked for. I had intended to go and pick something up I needed, or rather a couple of them and only cheap items at £1.50 each.

I went to the store and told them what had happened.

One friend that was present had not seen me since this happened so this happened so this was the first time they were hearing that I might become homeless. They told me they cannot stop my money because I was on Personal Independent Payments and was disabled. I said that the Citizen's Advice had told me differently and that I could only go on what they told me. I explained that this was the first time that my anxiety attacks had fired up and that within 24 hours I was feeling a weak left leg. I then explained how I lost the feeling in both legs the following Monday, three days later.

My friend had a sister with Lupus that had gone through the same thing and she had assumed that her housing had just continued to be paid. While I was there she phoned her and she said that this was not quite the case. She had to tell the council that she had an appeal going on with the DWP and that they paid the rent under some ... named scheme with the word employment in the name.

This made me feel a lot better to be honest and sounded promising so I decided to look it up when I got home. I ended up on a website called 'Benefits & Work' and the first thing I noticed and was highlighted in the Google search was the line '...take you through the whole complex and deeply unfair process.

Try telling them morons that work at the DWP that! They think they are angels sent by God the way that they talk and your an evil demon lying and cheating them!

Our mandatory reconsideration for ESA FAQs take you through the whole complex and deeply unfair process. - https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/employment-and-support-allowance/esa-appeals/mandatory-reconsiderations

Yes ... if I was that good at lying, cheating and fabricating things I would not waste such talent on the DWP and would have a website up scamming people out of money. I would also have a large network set up sending out scamming and phishing emails. But I am not like that.

So being accused of this or treated as if I am this gets me even more angry than I normally would be!

So I will now no doubt find out at the Citizen's Advice what this thing is with the housing and how to apply for it.

I will also be told how the appeal will go, as apparently it works differently now and you apply straight to a court, Her Majesty's Courts and Tribunal Service (MCTS).

I do kind of like this idea because now I can talk to someone, a legal beagle I hope at some point, about the way I have been treated for 15 years and how I am missing £45,000 in payments!

Tat figure might seem big but that is only for the 7 or 8 years that they wrongfully cancelled it. I could add more years to that because I have had the foot pains for 14 years and I have had other symptoms going back 20 years.

Then there are the anxiety attacks and breakdowns I hhad and how I was made homeless around 5 or 6 times while being disabled, which includes no less than three other local councils, lol. Four if I am made homeless once again.

I need to hear something from someone so that I start going from negative and disillusioned back to confident and then I would be o the ball.

With a legal representative on my side or just an advocate they will soon realise that I am very good at some things and that there is a whole web of lies and deceit that I can divulge and prove!

Like I said to a friend I would rather not have the anxiety attacks but this could turn into something and do me several favours. The more I meet people the more they will find out who I am, what I have done, what I have been through and what has been done to me.

After all I approached people for help before and got nowhere. I told them there was something wrong with me and a simple meeting with a private Doctor would prove this but no one wanted to know. Since then I have gone off on my own and proved and achieved a great deal of things that I wanted them to do for me. Because I worked my arse off and got my confidence back and I let rip, manipulated and tricked a series of Doctors who then tried to say I was mad or violent.

Now I might very well get that day I have worked so hard to achieve and I always knew it would happen when someone decided to come at me again. Or if I could get someone to come at me again which is why I kept on and on and on on my blogs.

While I kept on slagging them off and showing proof of their lying deceitful and unfair ways I was also helping people as I did this. I was showing them it was not them that was at fault or wrong but a lying cheating system by the NHS which for me is the and will be remembered as the most distasteful in history. A system whereby those that are sworn to help others are instead hired, pressurised and provided perks to cheat others. Those of us who are the most vulnerable in society.

AS long as I kept on I knew tat someone would come at me ... I just did not expect it to be quote like this ... going for the throat and trying to make a disabled person homeless. Nasty distasteful bunch of public .... hmm cannot bring myself to say 'servants' because they are anything but!

I also am going to pushh to have Mrs T DeFranco of the Dispute Resolution Team fired from her position because if this does and should be proved a wrong decision then she is incapable of making said decisions and should NOT be allowed to make decisions on anyone else's.

This would satisfy most people but I know it is not just her but is rife and comes from above. I amjust singling her out as she did me because of that phonecall she made to me. She should NEVER have made it. It was pointless, there was nothing she was going to listen to and had zero compassion, understanding, sorrow or even the slightest bit of medical knowledge. Plus she lied and told me that I had not given any medical evidence to either the medical assessment team, so they lied too, or the DWP.

When I pointed out that I had not only done this three times but one was sent so that the package had to be signed for she very quickly changed her tune.

Here is an idea on how to save billions of pounds each year ... stop doing whatever your doing, stop running two departments to deal with each of two or three benefits, stop paying people that are paid to lie to the general public and its customers/subjects.

I thought that was whhat Her Majesty's this that and the other were supposed to represent and stop?

Represent innocent and vulnerable people and stop liars, cheats, fraudsters and thugs and I can tell you this much...search through my extensive archives and it does not matter if your beef is with thhe DWP, NHS, Police any of the local councils or a number of other public offices up to and including the Home Office.

The lying, cheating and defrauding is all here and along with the incompetence.

For those that think they might get a cancellation letter and want to know what is provided ... they tell you to go and speak to another body for support like the Citizen's Advice Bureau.

There are a few webpages for Her Majesty's Courts and Tribunal Service too ...

Take a look if it may help you get a head start ... I very much doubt they change their minds very much and would wager that they NEVER change their minds and someone should be checking to see if they do not, report this in the news media and ask them why this is?

I have also been told rcently that the government are going to try and lie about the number of unemployed and if they kick a percentage, say 20%, off benefits for 6 weeks then they can use the numbers within that period to keep their jobs.

A friend said that if they kicked everyone off for six weeks it would save them millions and I said "Millions?! Sunshine your going a bit low with that figure as if their are 1.5 to 2 million unemployed ... even at £50 per week ... fifty multiplied by £2 Million is a hell of a lot of money!" he then raised his eyebrows as he realised, lol.

Anyway take a look ...

THIS IS THE WEEK THAT MIGHT BE

Well I have gone back to waking up early.

Very little in the way of anxiety though. For now.

I did have a weekend with nothing really happening and ended up not going out Sunday at all, not even to get tobacco. I just could not find the drive to get out. Not that there was much I could do.

So now it is Monday morning on the 18^th July and I have just a few days left before I have that blasted decision made for me and God knows how long before I get notified of it.

I only have two places I can visit locally and both are friends and I try very hard not to go there too much. Not one for wanting to even come close to overstaying my welcome.

It is 7.45am right now and I checked my emails without thinking of the time, lol. Of course there was not going to be any of the responses I am hoping for, asking me to come down or call them and then come down.

These limbo like periods really are the worst.

Of course now the weather decides to pick up now that I am all over the place and cannot think straight. I have been waiting to get out wit my two cameras filming whatever I can. One of these is a GoPro type camera for acquiring sub-aquatic filming and photographs. With that aquatic world opened up to me there was now a potential to spend the summer acquiring and uploading hundreds of new films I have not acquired before. This would have propelled my YouTube channel and two of my blogs much higher and therefore the traffic much higher too.

Best laid plans and all that.

I just hope I can find the inspiration and drive to get out and do something? Even if it is just a few times and I manage to acquire a dozen or so things to add to the collection.

I already have a shop singled out to sleep in but it is the case of panicking about my belongings and the council are supposed to store your stuff if they make you homeless but I have never done this before. That is if at all goes bad of course.

To get out with my cameras I am trying to think about travelling light and not pack up a big camera sling bag to go out, too much in the way of effort needed.

The GoPro type camera is small and the other one I have a small holster for, though I could not call the Nikon P900 small … exactly. But it is a holster and has a belt loop so I might be able to manage something … I hope.

I still think of the situation as weird and very unexpected as all of last year I had this picture of what 2016 would be like and it has turned out very different to how I thought it would, quite the opposite in fact.

I sometimes wonder how many people ave actually died because of situations like mine and how I now notice that it is never talked about or reported. I mean there must be mustn't there? Those that take their own lives, those that have heart failures or attacks? Maybe even those that die of exposure? Maybe even those murdered by someone in the middle of the night because they are out and exposed?

I mentioned about sleeping on park benches to a mate and he said “You do not want to do that. You don't know who is about!” lol.

Of ccourse I am still awaiting my second of two letters regarding hospital appointments.

I have also obviously asked myself about the outcome of these hospital referrals and not just about what the answer might be. Because I know that they have … lied about the test results in the past and on here someone in my arcchives are recordings of Doctors telling god awful lies and one specialist being confronted by me and admitting he lied about an ultrasound test result. It was easy to confront him because not only had I seen the monitor and that it showed two things but the man performing the test spoke about them. On black lump on my right side of my groin, where an inguinal hernia was repaired and pain was emanating from and a new but small hernia starting on my left groin. This second hernia was in fact .. predicted by the man that repaired the first one, a Martin Klein.

Now I would like to think that because I recorded them and because of these blogs they would not be so stupid as to try lying again about test results.

But then I did not think that the DWP would be so stupid as to single me out and come after me again and in such a stupid and backwards fashion too. Backwards because they are going after my Incapacity Benefit, yes I still get it, and therefore my Housing Benefit and yet not touching my Personal Independent Payments which is in effect my Disability Benefit. But they are doing it this way which is kind of … well backwards, for want of a better term.

Mind you I have since had a questionnaire regarding my Personal Independent Payments and despite the fact that they are 'Is this portion of your condition better or worse' questions you do have to wonder. Especially as reviews are normally every three years and it has been only eighteen months?

Of course as a result of the actions of another of their departments the answer to around 6 to 8 or more of the questions is 'harder'.

Therefore if they decide to cut or stop that benefit too then they would have made it damned obvious they have singled me out for whatever reason. This is eater a random singling out or it is because they want to stop me blogging about them.

Oddly if enough visitors to my blogs over the past four years had told enough people who had all visited my blog then this would not have ever happened.

Part of the reason for this is not getting a hold of some court paperwork I thought I was going to get at the end of last year. If, of course, there was any court paperwork at all. Some think there wasn't...no everyone now thinks there wasn't if I am honest!

Still, that was then and this is now and I have to concentrate, if I can, on staying on the right line, if there is indeed a 'right line'.

To confuse things further a friend of mine is going away, yeah I know could you possibly throw anything else in at this point right? The only thing is that when he goes away he is giving me a key to look after his animals. You might think a week is not too bad but is a lot to take on with everything that could happen to me. Well how about two week? A bit much? What about three?! I am not going to bother with four weeks and go straight to the crux of the matter that it will be 5 weeks and two days that he is away.

So with everything else that might be happening I have someone less around to talk to for five weeks and then have to worry about two Goldfinch Muels, a Budgie, a four foot aquarium, three ponds with frogs and toads in, one with Koi Carp in and a Snapping Turtle. Yeah … that Snapping Turtle there is a video of on my YouTube Channel. Oh yes and some Adult Fire Salamanders and over half a dozen your salamanders.

I think that is everything? Lol.

I have told him that I simply cannot go in every other day like I did when he was away last time, it really took a lot out of me and that surprised and worried me. There will be someone going in every other day but they are not really animal people and have a tough time looking after themselves by all accounts, well one of the two has difficulties.

It may sound really, really stupid that doing anything seems monumental and I agree, it is tupid to me too. I dare say anyone that has had anxiety attacks or Fibromyalgia may know where I am coming from and they would likely agree too.

After all getting out on my bike always helps me deal with things and has done for a along time, as well as giving me the light exercise needed for Fibromyalgia and if you did not know sitting on your backside with Fibromyalgia can be as bad as doing too much. Light exercise keeps things on a certain level whereas doing too much or too little has a very negative effect. On the pains, anxiety and depression you get with it and even my skin seems better once I am out on my bike every other day and have done that for a couple of weeks. Otherwise it starts to look like something from a horror movie and takes a load of pure tea tree oil to keep it down.

I used to think many years ago that it was UV radiation from the sunlight in summer that kept the skin conditions at bay but I now know it is the exercise, or rather cycling, that has an effect on everything.

As of right now I need to get some little twisted coils for my Kangertech Subtank Mini atomisers I use for vaping. I also have to take Java Moss from my aquarium to a friends store as I promised him 5 days ago. But the tasks seem monumental … or at least always do until I am out of the house for around ten minutes. Ten I will enjoy it to some degree and it will take my mind off things momentarily and if not for these things I would probably not get out of the house at all?!

A MORBID FUTURE

Have had some anxiety today and some restlessness and with nothing to do, other than go out and buy tobacco which I am trying hard not to do! Not as bad as previous but unwanted and worrying all the same.

I was writing a post about something I found a distraction while I had some other serious issues going on.

I bet you would find that no matter just how disabled someone is, except the most extreme cases, that they get things done and then sit around for days waiting for someone else to do something?

My own present problem is the fact that I have no confidence in something but that this 'no confidence' thing is actually quite widespread in many things. Whenever anyone thinks anything about any given situation it depends on a number of things.

• The sincerity of those they are dealing with
• What they have experienced before
• What they are told or assure

These are three very basic principles but three principles that I for one have noticed very few take into account.

The feelings of both panic and anxiety stem from fear and yet when they occur not many people seem to be well seated to be able to deal with them for you. Their attitudes normally revolve around some self belief or even over confidence in their own abilities. Yet these are never put across to the people that need help.

On the merry-go-round I am on this time I have noticed this and I have realised that what people need are assurances or examples that show success to show that the worst case scenario is not very likely. Of course the reasons why they are not likely are key here.

This becomes a far greater drag when you have a number of other things you have to contend with each and every day and even worse when there are possible blips on the horizon.

• Two health blips on the horizon, each with its own possibility of being terminal
• Degenerative health blips aplenty occurring from monthly to daily
• The feeling of impending doom of being without a home before long

I had one of my brothers find out yesterday what has been going on with me for a couple of weeks now and he said something strange. He works running a Ford car showroom but said ..

“I don't know what they are playing it but I keep hearing they have been kicking people off for six weeks then taking them back on?!”

I thought that was strange as I was not aware he knew anyone that was claiming any benefits and I only know one other person and that as only happened to him of late. He was a social worker for Camden Council for 15 years then worked for an antique watch shop in Farringdon Road for a number of years until they had to let him go due to the recession.

There is a local sufferer of mental health who has a habit of latching on to me, there is a community of them in a building nearby, but you can hardly ask him about these things.

I have grown to dislike my life and I do not like sitting around doing nothing which is why I blog on so many blogs when I am at home and out with a couple of cameras on my bike when I can and weather permits. Not a great deal of late that is for sure.

I always feel like I should be going out and doing something. I do ave an overactive mind that always wants to be doing something too.

But after the recent singling out of me by the DWP for the umpteenth time I now feel like there are several things I should be getting out the house and doing every single day. When your not doing this or you simply do not know what it is or what more you can do it makes things somewhat … anxious.

But no one seems to get that.

For all these help groups and charities no one seems to understand these three basic things I have listed and no one caters or plans for it. I would imagine they have all these procedures they follow and all these protocols and I wonder if actually dealing with the victims problems comes into these steps at all?

It may be that they simply cannot? Though I doubt this would be the case in every instance and surely if there are contributing factors this makes a difference to it all?

Well I have several contributing factors and I have not had the slightest evidence that anything is different so far.

I spend my days wondering when the day will come when it does?

I have been in this situation roughly around two weeks, since I first approached people for help and advice.

Granted I had been in this situation several times before and all shown in the archives of this blog but they all went very differently. I have no idea why this time and at the worst time it got so extreme.

It may well be that this fizzles out to nothing now but that does not help me right now and I have literally a few days left before I find out. Though I got a text message on a very old phone number not used for years that a decision is made on the 20^th July, so three days. But when this decision gets to me I do not know. I guess I can expect to be told by the weekend? But my very last payment of that benefit occurs the day after the decision and therefore will be a gap before seeing the Citizen's Advice again.

Now I have contacted several others and a couple of these are meant to have advocates and one said to have a legal team or people. I have heard nothing yet but maybe I might get to meet one of them this week, with one in particular I know I can get to.

The rest of the time you should be off doing your stuff and enjoying other stuff. But you cannot and it is like having days being stolen from you. Time being stolen. In essence that is what it is.

As everyone knows you need time to do anything and in this digital world where there are no hoards of bloggers because everyone has a smartphone in their pocket you need more time than ever before to get anything achieved. Or even get up to a level that becomes noticeable.

When I say 'noticeable' I really mean that enough people are aware of you that shows that your heading in a direction … a good direction or the right direction.

Another annoying and rather unwanted distraction is this weird irritation I have around my eye as it has been playing up more and more the last few months.

It should be some replied that I finally have a hospital appointment about it after mentioning it to several GP's over the last 4 years or so. Would be just my luck, perhaps a gift, that it would turn out to be a tumour or growth of some kind that needs an operation. Yeah that being a gift does sound strange but when everything has been as difficult as it has been at times you get fed up with trying to find or fight a way out of it. Especially when it is down to finding other people to tell you what to do, help or even act for you and they are few and far between.

Well almost non-existent to be honest and if the Citizen's Advice comes to nothing then it would have been completely non-existent.

There are times when I think that despite my blogs it would take nothing short of my death for things to change?

Maybe that is just how it is destined to be? Who knows?

Maybe by attempt to help others on-line was always going to turn into my demise and even death on-line to wake people up? To make people care about others more?

To me it always comes back around to everything being negative and impending doom to finding a way to turn it back around the being positive.

The urge is to dig into the skin above the eye socket as well as put pressure into and around the eye socket because it feels like there is something there, like pressure, that needs release. This is my right eye socket, or from the view of someone else, my left eye.

A quick search and something called a Lipoma seems to fit the description … only that with Lipomas there is no mention of an irritation or sensation with other people noticing the lump being literally the only symptom. It basically is a build up of fatty tissues and they do noot seem to know why it happens.

Almost oddly perfect in this is the fact that I also seem to have an issue with my throat on its right side and always had an issue with my right ear, the latter for a very, very long time.

Also weird is that many of my long list of symptoms are either located on my right side or appeared on my right side before later appearing on my left to become bi-lateral, meaning occurs on both sides of the body. Both feet or both legs etc.

So I have an irritation or lump on my forehead and there is such a thing as Forehead Cancer, a type of skin cancer. I feel like I also have a lump inside my eye socket too, it feels like the two things are connected but may turn out not to be.

I am also to have a colonoscopy at some point due to recurring trapped wind type pains that are pretty severe.

But I was socked to find out something extra about brain tumours. Now you may or may not know that I have been having not just a return of my black outs but that these have been rampant and I have experienced a full on seizure, blacking out to the point of unconsciousness and remaining that way for ten minutes, according to Mr and Mrs Harfcell who just froze 100 metres away from me and just watched. The two harfs make a hole in this instance, lol.

So where tumours in the head or brain are concerned it already does not look now sound that good so what if I was to state that I have discovered by a surgeon on YouTube, that brain tumours can cause abdominal pain?!

So now it really does not look good, right?

Well you have to face these possibilities and oddly if you try to talk to anyone about this they tell you you are being morbid and not to think or talk like that. Like not talking about it cures the cancer if you have it!

I know people react like this so I do not even bother to talk like this. They know I have the upcoming neurology appointment and that is about it.

I would imagine that some would panic about losing me or me just not being around any longer as I am a go to person when things get really bad, tricky or something complicated needs solving or an understanding or explanation given in layman's terms.

That first appointment is in August and I do not know what will happen and nor do I even know if I will have a home around the time I have the appointment. It is likely that I will but just about barely or barely hanging onto it via the help of some other group, body or organisation?

Fingers and toes well and truly crossed here but if I am destined to be kicked out of my home and lose all the tools and gadgets I have worked so hard to acquire to help me and my blogs then a death sentence via cancer might just be more humane than living through all that yet again?

I may even turn out to be epileptic?

Imagine though for a moment . Needing surgery and either being homeless at te time or about to be? All this because they failed to diagnose a condition for over a decade and then refuse to give any support because the name is not as widely known as something like 'diabetes'?

I have said this before … say the 'C' word, diabetes or even epilepsy and everyone is like 'oooh poor thing … let us help' but say something rare or they have not heard of and you get nothing more tan a shrug of the shoulders. Sometimes metaphorically speaking too where the attitude is nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders.

It is almost like a 'get out of jail free card' whereby they do not have to worry or more accurately seen to worry because no one knows what it is or very few people know of the condition's existence?

Now I imagine that this is the only concern of just about every charity out there that specifies in one condition or other? Be it heart problems and a long list of other things right around to my own condition of Fibromyalgia?

Ask for money to have a website and write the odd letter to your government asking them to take more notice of said condition? Other than that you contact them for help, they tell you they cannot and then explain how to spot your condition? A bit annoying when you have spoken to one of the top people in the country on your condition and they did not even know the name of the only drugs that deals with the very core of the problem. Yup .. annoying!

Now with this digital age and with the Internet in almost everyone's pocket if not at home it would be very easy for a list of the world's biggest companies to spend just a couple of weeks getting everyone aware of a list of debilitating conditions. That is if they did not mind giving up primary advertising space that normally goes at a premium price similar to a telephone number?

Google and Apple are to that you could consider capable of doing this with the number of users they have not just an iny given country but across the world.

So how about on a particular web-page not having some silly logo or some reference to something or the other you have a debilitating condition for a few days or weeks?

'Condition name and here is what it does!'

Something like that. If both companies did this they would get almost all people on Earth as they normally have an Android phone or an Apple phone. Throw in the other of this particular evil trinity, of Microsoft and you have just about everyone with maybe a tiny percentage that do not have smartphones, tablet PCs or computers.

Do not worry as they are bound to hear about the condition advertised from someone they know that does have a smartphone or PC.

While I have been typing this I have been listening to a brave and poor young girl that had to have treatment on a brain tumour.

The poor girl has an anxiety disorder too!

It is eight months old and I hope she pulled through it and actually scared to look for more videos in case she did not!

This is the second one I was playing as I reached the end of this post ..