A MORBID FUTURE

Have had some anxiety today and some restlessness and with nothing to do, other than go out and buy tobacco which I am trying hard not to do! Not as bad as previous but unwanted and worrying all the same.

I was writing a post about something I found a distraction while I had some other serious issues going on.

I bet you would find that no matter just how disabled someone is, except the most extreme cases, that they get things done and then sit around for days waiting for someone else to do something?

My own present problem is the fact that I have no confidence in something but that this 'no confidence' thing is actually quite widespread in many things. Whenever anyone thinks anything about any given situation it depends on a number of things.

• The sincerity of those they are dealing with
• What they have experienced before
• What they are told or assure

These are three very basic principles but three principles that I for one have noticed very few take into account.

The feelings of both panic and anxiety stem from fear and yet when they occur not many people seem to be well seated to be able to deal with them for you. Their attitudes normally revolve around some self belief or even over confidence in their own abilities. Yet these are never put across to the people that need help.

On the merry-go-round I am on this time I have noticed this and I have realised that what people need are assurances or examples that show success to show that the worst case scenario is not very likely. Of course the reasons why they are not likely are key here.

This becomes a far greater drag when you have a number of other things you have to contend with each and every day and even worse when there are possible blips on the horizon.

• Two health blips on the horizon, each with its own possibility of being terminal
• Degenerative health blips aplenty occurring from monthly to daily
• The feeling of impending doom of being without a home before long

I had one of my brothers find out yesterday what has been going on with me for a couple of weeks now and he said something strange. He works running a Ford car showroom but said ..

“I don't know what they are playing it but I keep hearing they have been kicking people off for six weeks then taking them back on?!”

I thought that was strange as I was not aware he knew anyone that was claiming any benefits and I only know one other person and that as only happened to him of late. He was a social worker for Camden Council for 15 years then worked for an antique watch shop in Farringdon Road for a number of years until they had to let him go due to the recession.

There is a local sufferer of mental health who has a habit of latching on to me, there is a community of them in a building nearby, but you can hardly ask him about these things.

I have grown to dislike my life and I do not like sitting around doing nothing which is why I blog on so many blogs when I am at home and out with a couple of cameras on my bike when I can and weather permits. Not a great deal of late that is for sure.

I always feel like I should be going out and doing something. I do ave an overactive mind that always wants to be doing something too.

But after the recent singling out of me by the DWP for the umpteenth time I now feel like there are several things I should be getting out the house and doing every single day. When your not doing this or you simply do not know what it is or what more you can do it makes things somewhat … anxious.

But no one seems to get that.

For all these help groups and charities no one seems to understand these three basic things I have listed and no one caters or plans for it. I would imagine they have all these procedures they follow and all these protocols and I wonder if actually dealing with the victims problems comes into these steps at all?

It may be that they simply cannot? Though I doubt this would be the case in every instance and surely if there are contributing factors this makes a difference to it all?

Well I have several contributing factors and I have not had the slightest evidence that anything is different so far.

I spend my days wondering when the day will come when it does?

I have been in this situation roughly around two weeks, since I first approached people for help and advice.

Granted I had been in this situation several times before and all shown in the archives of this blog but they all went very differently. I have no idea why this time and at the worst time it got so extreme.

It may well be that this fizzles out to nothing now but that does not help me right now and I have literally a few days left before I find out. Though I got a text message on a very old phone number not used for years that a decision is made on the 20^th July, so three days. But when this decision gets to me I do not know. I guess I can expect to be told by the weekend? But my very last payment of that benefit occurs the day after the decision and therefore will be a gap before seeing the Citizen's Advice again.

Now I have contacted several others and a couple of these are meant to have advocates and one said to have a legal team or people. I have heard nothing yet but maybe I might get to meet one of them this week, with one in particular I know I can get to.

The rest of the time you should be off doing your stuff and enjoying other stuff. But you cannot and it is like having days being stolen from you. Time being stolen. In essence that is what it is.

As everyone knows you need time to do anything and in this digital world where there are no hoards of bloggers because everyone has a smartphone in their pocket you need more time than ever before to get anything achieved. Or even get up to a level that becomes noticeable.

When I say 'noticeable' I really mean that enough people are aware of you that shows that your heading in a direction … a good direction or the right direction.

Another annoying and rather unwanted distraction is this weird irritation I have around my eye as it has been playing up more and more the last few months.

It should be some replied that I finally have a hospital appointment about it after mentioning it to several GP's over the last 4 years or so. Would be just my luck, perhaps a gift, that it would turn out to be a tumour or growth of some kind that needs an operation. Yeah that being a gift does sound strange but when everything has been as difficult as it has been at times you get fed up with trying to find or fight a way out of it. Especially when it is down to finding other people to tell you what to do, help or even act for you and they are few and far between.

Well almost non-existent to be honest and if the Citizen's Advice comes to nothing then it would have been completely non-existent.

There are times when I think that despite my blogs it would take nothing short of my death for things to change?

Maybe that is just how it is destined to be? Who knows?

Maybe by attempt to help others on-line was always going to turn into my demise and even death on-line to wake people up? To make people care about others more?

To me it always comes back around to everything being negative and impending doom to finding a way to turn it back around the being positive.

The urge is to dig into the skin above the eye socket as well as put pressure into and around the eye socket because it feels like there is something there, like pressure, that needs release. This is my right eye socket, or from the view of someone else, my left eye.

A quick search and something called a Lipoma seems to fit the description … only that with Lipomas there is no mention of an irritation or sensation with other people noticing the lump being literally the only symptom. It basically is a build up of fatty tissues and they do noot seem to know why it happens.

Almost oddly perfect in this is the fact that I also seem to have an issue with my throat on its right side and always had an issue with my right ear, the latter for a very, very long time.

Also weird is that many of my long list of symptoms are either located on my right side or appeared on my right side before later appearing on my left to become bi-lateral, meaning occurs on both sides of the body. Both feet or both legs etc.

So I have an irritation or lump on my forehead and there is such a thing as Forehead Cancer, a type of skin cancer. I feel like I also have a lump inside my eye socket too, it feels like the two things are connected but may turn out not to be.

I am also to have a colonoscopy at some point due to recurring trapped wind type pains that are pretty severe.

But I was socked to find out something extra about brain tumours. Now you may or may not know that I have been having not just a return of my black outs but that these have been rampant and I have experienced a full on seizure, blacking out to the point of unconsciousness and remaining that way for ten minutes, according to Mr and Mrs Harfcell who just froze 100 metres away from me and just watched. The two harfs make a hole in this instance, lol.

So where tumours in the head or brain are concerned it already does not look now sound that good so what if I was to state that I have discovered by a surgeon on YouTube, that brain tumours can cause abdominal pain?!

So now it really does not look good, right?

Well you have to face these possibilities and oddly if you try to talk to anyone about this they tell you you are being morbid and not to think or talk like that. Like not talking about it cures the cancer if you have it!

I know people react like this so I do not even bother to talk like this. They know I have the upcoming neurology appointment and that is about it.

I would imagine that some would panic about losing me or me just not being around any longer as I am a go to person when things get really bad, tricky or something complicated needs solving or an understanding or explanation given in layman's terms.

That first appointment is in August and I do not know what will happen and nor do I even know if I will have a home around the time I have the appointment. It is likely that I will but just about barely or barely hanging onto it via the help of some other group, body or organisation?

Fingers and toes well and truly crossed here but if I am destined to be kicked out of my home and lose all the tools and gadgets I have worked so hard to acquire to help me and my blogs then a death sentence via cancer might just be more humane than living through all that yet again?

I may even turn out to be epileptic?

Imagine though for a moment . Needing surgery and either being homeless at te time or about to be? All this because they failed to diagnose a condition for over a decade and then refuse to give any support because the name is not as widely known as something like 'diabetes'?

I have said this before … say the 'C' word, diabetes or even epilepsy and everyone is like 'oooh poor thing … let us help' but say something rare or they have not heard of and you get nothing more tan a shrug of the shoulders. Sometimes metaphorically speaking too where the attitude is nothing more than a shrug of the shoulders.

It is almost like a 'get out of jail free card' whereby they do not have to worry or more accurately seen to worry because no one knows what it is or very few people know of the condition's existence?

Now I imagine that this is the only concern of just about every charity out there that specifies in one condition or other? Be it heart problems and a long list of other things right around to my own condition of Fibromyalgia?

Ask for money to have a website and write the odd letter to your government asking them to take more notice of said condition? Other than that you contact them for help, they tell you they cannot and then explain how to spot your condition? A bit annoying when you have spoken to one of the top people in the country on your condition and they did not even know the name of the only drugs that deals with the very core of the problem. Yup .. annoying!

Now with this digital age and with the Internet in almost everyone's pocket if not at home it would be very easy for a list of the world's biggest companies to spend just a couple of weeks getting everyone aware of a list of debilitating conditions. That is if they did not mind giving up primary advertising space that normally goes at a premium price similar to a telephone number?

Google and Apple are to that you could consider capable of doing this with the number of users they have not just an iny given country but across the world.

So how about on a particular web-page not having some silly logo or some reference to something or the other you have a debilitating condition for a few days or weeks?

'Condition name and here is what it does!'

Something like that. If both companies did this they would get almost all people on Earth as they normally have an Android phone or an Apple phone. Throw in the other of this particular evil trinity, of Microsoft and you have just about everyone with maybe a tiny percentage that do not have smartphones, tablet PCs or computers.

Do not worry as they are bound to hear about the condition advertised from someone they know that does have a smartphone or PC.

While I have been typing this I have been listening to a brave and poor young girl that had to have treatment on a brain tumour.

The poor girl has an anxiety disorder too!

It is eight months old and I hope she pulled through it and actually scared to look for more videos in case she did not!

This is the second one I was playing as I reached the end of this post ..

THE END IS NIGH

During all my time acquiring evidence against all of the public services I came across I would also ask myself questions about it all.

One of those is 'do they do this knowing they all help each other out to screw the public over?'

Now in my estimation the absolute best conspiracies only work when there are extremely few that are aware of their existence.

I have no doubt that at the top they are always thinking of these things whether it is in government, some private American owned company such as Serco ... or both.

One of the most difficult things for me to accept, as I sure believe it has also been the case for the majority of visitors, was that Doctors and general Practitioners are involved in this crap. Accepting that took a long time which is why it took years to build up the data for this blog. But were they and are they aware.

One single GP I was under actually admitted the lying and cheating but told me that their hands were tied by the NHS. SO that General Practitioners took the blame for something they did not do.

Now I will state that I first explained to her, Dr Huq, that they did this to help out the DWP and all Local Councils to save money and she looked intrigued. Then the a month or so later I went there with the truth ... a refusal letter for DLA from the DWP that stated I was turned down because Dr Huq was unable to ill in forms.

She went into a rage and said that she has filled these inn for 20 years and that the DWP had lied and that when a form is not filled in correctly the DWP returned it to the practice. So they lied and then conveniently forgot and then lied to me, saying they did not have enough medical evidence.

Some weeks later I handed in not one but TWO privately performed X-rays of my back because she wanted to see them. We were meant to meet up and she would tell me what she thought of the X-rays but ... when I came back in to make an appointment her stunned staff informed me she had marched in one morning, stated she had, had enough of the NHS, spun around and walked out! Taking my X-rays with her and staff having to phone the NHS to get a stand in GP until they had moved all the patients to other clinics.

So it would seem they knew patients were being screwed for money but did not know the bigger picture.

She learnt something that other GP's I have had have not. Be careful or you will be left holding the baby!

But if they did not know then how were the NHS doing  it?

I fully believe I now know the answer to that question.

Recently I had a phone conversation with the DWP where an odd, not too bright but patronizing woman, who obviously thinks all those without jobs are scum, said that they basically needed a letter where the GP worded it like he was there when I had a major seizure and fell unconscious.

That statement from her was so obviously lame that my answer was that GPs, Doctors, Nurses and Specialists cannot follow all their patients around 24 hours a day to see these healthh events when they happen and of course, IF they happen too.

Then I got a letter from my GP to give to the DWP and that question had lodged right into my mind, it was that bloody stupid.

When I got home I had a friend here who is himself a professional and was a social worker for Camden Council for 15 years. So he dealt a lot with people and their health issues and their Doctors and GP's. I looked at the letter and I spotted the word 'alleged'.I showed it to him and he reeled in horror and said that the use of that word in that context makes it appear that I am lying.

I laughed and said "What are they actually going to say that I made up a long list of symptoms for more than 15 years then waited all that time to say ... "Oh, guess what ... it is Fibromyalgia!" Fifteen years plus! REALLY?!

I was not happy with the letter I had just paid them £25 for and so sent them an email. The next day, yesterday, the GP called me up and told me that "We have to put alleged for legal reasons"?! I then told him that it was unny he should say that as when I spoke to the DWP they basically wanted a letter that was worded in such a way that he was standing behind me when the seizure happened and all the other Fibromyalgia stuff had happened. I told him that I told her that this was effing ludicrous and based on this no one would be getting any money at all who actually possessed all limbs while not confined to a wheelchair! I think he saw what I was getting at?

Anyway he agreed to re-write the letter. So I am taking to back today.

But then I thought ... "Wait a minute? I am assuming that because he said he had to put that 'alleged' in for legal reasons that a solicitors firm told them to do this. But WHAT IF it was the NHS?!"

BOOM! LIGHTNING!!

Suddenly every Doctor's letter states 'alleged' while the DWP want a written account of a GP witnessing this?! There's your trap. THAT'S YOUR CONSPIRACY!

Hmm ... do I bow at this point or just saunter quietly out the back door?!

LMFAO ...

Oh and the seizure? 

The appointment came through this morning ... oddly I do not have to ring up and it is already set ...

Now remember ... this appointment below is because of symptoms I have told all five GP Surgeries about I have been under while in Enfield.

I cannot recall if it occurred or I told any one before Enfield. Hmm the ear thing, yes. The eye thing I am pretty sure, no.

Sooo if it is a tumour ... or turns out to be something ... fatal ... or progressively debilitating..

THE DOCTOR WAS IN

Well I had my visit with the GP who told me that I should have gone straight to Accident & Emergency, Urgent Care Centre not good enough, after my seizure.

I am told that if I have another one I have to go straight to Accident & Emergency. Which is a little … tricky as I believe the closest to me is Barnet Hospital, which means I would need to get to the 307 bus. I was about 2 miles from that when I had my fit and on the edge of a wood on a secluded footpath.

His face when I told him about the couple watching me go down … “Didn't they offer to help?!” he said before I told him, no and he shook his head.

Well they were Mr and Mrs Harfcell, I told him.

He is going to refer me for a scan of my head, at long bloody last. I have wanted this for a number of years as I have a few theories about my head. Irritation in and around eye socket on right side, ear canal issue I have told Doctors about for a decade.

That would be so cool to sort those two issues out but I suspect another issue will raise its head and if it turned out to be a malignant tumour I would not be totally surprised. The Big 'C'? I do not know but these things do occur. I have complained about these irritations for over a decade so if there is something then they have totally ignored both me and it and the house of cards will come falling down on them. Oops.

Well you don't think that the possibility I could die during all this did not occur to me? You do not think that I did not have a plan in place for a scenario such as that which I have described?

Double OOPS!

I mean I would be surprised but not completely surprised.

I am expecting something to be found in and around my eye socket on my right side and I am going to state hear and now that it is the top most part of my eyeball and perhaps towards the back.

Oh yeah, then there is the hole in the throat issue, where those prescription pills disappeared to and I am still weary each time I take any pills.

Lastly and as they are scanning my head I am expecting something to be found to do with my right inner ear. There is something in there and I get some irritation in there at times. Sometimes just like it is tickling or itchy. Inside the ear, not on thee outside.

I have stated before and even when reviewing headphones or music gadgets on my music or computing blog, my right ear is just a fraction duller in sensitivity to sound than my left.

This right side affected also occurs with other things around my body, including my eyes as my left eye is slightly sharper than my right.

I have also been referred for the endoscopy which will include looking at Diverticulitis. He did not rule out the aforementioned affliction and nodded when I explained about thee left sided pain and the foul aromas.

So that is two referrals coming up.

These two will be it, it will be the end of the road, though I hope not quite literally, lol. I hope I do not get given any remaining time periods. Not quite sure what that would do to one or two people I know, one in particular that might end up feeling quite guilty over it all?

Hmm now that I think about it there may be a growing list of names that feel guilty though I have my doubts as to whether or not the feeling of guilt can be felt by some people?! A shame.

Funny to that only recently I actually said to someone in the family that I have doubts of making it to fifty years of age! LMAO!

The trouble is if there is something there in the way of a tumour then it has been there so long that I fear that it may have become … unmanageable and untreatable?

In which case I am going to have to thank my previous three General Practitioners! Lol.

If I am told anything I just hope I do not lose the 'drive' to keep working on my blogs, videos and photography?

I am already preparing myself and thinking about keeping busy should anything be revealed in the not too distant future.

Whoa. Forgot to post this up and then the broadband credit hit its deadline, lol, typical.

Went out to get credit and do several other things. Took everything I had to get up and out, unusually and becoming a habit.

When I did get out I immediately noticed the cold temperatures. What?! This is supposed to be 17 degrees Celsius? No bloody way, more like 12 degrees! Oddly I had put normal length socks on a and thin jumper on for thee first time in several weeks. I had told myself I would not be wearing any jumpers or full length socks this year. Maybe not even trousers?

Went out, bought one of those Tex Mex Burgers from McDonalds, disappointing and the last one was much, much nicer. Upstairs is normally devoid of people and especially in crap weather but it was crammed with people. Never ever seen it like that and wondered if they were giving away free burgers in some kind of 'happy hour'?

Went to a friends shop for twenty minutes, instead of getting on my second bus and heading for Edmonton or Waltham Cross.

Got my broadband voucher while I did that from a shop a couple of stores down.

Wondered about my head scan as well as my endoscopy. Not expecting anything other than Diverticulitis, or something with very similar symptoms.

The head scan? Now that is a different matter as I am expecting a minimum of three things to show up, though anything up to all three of them could turn out to be linked and in all honesty the overall prognosis would not be good if they are all linked.

Purely because the space between the three points in my head would take up a considerable amount of space. Could be as little as 20% to 40% and would mean something of a worrying size.

I do not think I am going to get anything close to 60, let alone 65 and have had this gut feeling for awhile and neither my father or uncle made it to 60.

It would just be bloody typical if it turned out that something I have asked every single GP Surgery about, all 6 of them, that got ignored turned out to be the one thing that was lethal.

As usual I will edit the hospital appointment letters and post them on here as they arrive through my door, or shortly afterwards.