Have had some anxiety today and some restlessness and with nothing to do, other than go out and buy tobacco which I am trying hard not to do! Not as bad as previous but unwanted and worrying all the same.
I was writing a post
about something I found a distraction while I had some other serious
issues going on.
I bet you would find
that no matter just how disabled someone is, except the most extreme
cases, that they get things done and then sit around for days waiting
for someone else to do something?
My own present problem
is the fact that I have no confidence in something but that this 'no
confidence' thing is actually quite widespread in many things.
Whenever anyone thinks anything about any given situation it depends
on a number of things.
- The sincerity of those they are dealing with
- What they have experienced before
- What they are told or assure
These are three very
basic principles but three principles that I for one have noticed
very few take into account.
The feelings of both
panic and anxiety stem from fear and yet when they occur not many
people seem to be well seated to be able to deal with them for you.
Their attitudes normally revolve around some self belief or even over
confidence in their own abilities. Yet these are never put across to
the people that need help.
On the merry-go-round I
am on this time I have noticed this and I have realised that what
people need are assurances or examples that show success to show that
the worst case scenario is not very likely. Of course the reasons why
they are not likely are key here.
This becomes a far
greater drag when you have a number of other things you have to
contend with each and every day and even worse when there are
possible blips on the horizon.
- Two health blips on the horizon, each with its own possibility of being terminal
- Degenerative health blips aplenty occurring from monthly to daily
- The feeling of impending doom of being without a home before long
I had one of my
brothers find out yesterday what has been going on with me for a
couple of weeks now and he said something strange. He works running a
Ford car showroom but said ..
“I don't know what
they are playing it but I keep hearing they have been kicking people
off for six weeks then taking them back on?!”
I thought that was
strange as I was not aware he knew anyone that was claiming any
benefits and I only know one other person and that as only happened
to him of late. He was a social worker for Camden Council for 15
years then worked for an antique watch shop in Farringdon Road for a
number of years until they had to let him go due to the recession.
There is a local
sufferer of mental health who has a habit of latching on to me, there
is a community of them in a building nearby, but you can hardly ask
him about these things.
I have grown to dislike
my life and I do not like sitting around doing nothing which is why I
blog on so many blogs when I am at home and out with a couple of
cameras on my bike when I can and weather permits. Not a great deal
of late that is for sure.
I always feel like I
should be going out and doing something. I do ave an overactive mind
that always wants to be doing something too.
But after the recent
singling out of me by the DWP for the umpteenth time I now feel like
there are several things I should be getting out the house and doing
every single day. When your not doing this or you simply do not know
what it is or what more you can do it makes things somewhat …
anxious.
But no one seems to get
that.
For all these help
groups and charities no one seems to understand these three basic
things I have listed and no one caters or plans for it. I would
imagine they have all these procedures they follow and all these
protocols and I wonder if actually dealing with the victims problems
comes into these steps at all?
It may be that they
simply cannot? Though I doubt this would be the case in every
instance and surely if there are contributing factors this makes a
difference to it all?
Well I have several
contributing factors and I have not had the slightest evidence that
anything is different so far.
I spend my days
wondering when the day will come when it does?
I have been in this
situation roughly around two weeks, since I first approached people
for help and advice.
Granted I had been in
this situation several times before and all shown in the archives of
this blog but they all went very differently. I have no idea why this
time and at the worst time it got so extreme.
It may well be that
this fizzles out to nothing now but that does not help me right now
and I have literally a few days left before I find out. Though I got
a text message on a very old phone number not used for years that a
decision is made on the 20th July, so three days. But when
this decision gets to me I do not know. I guess I can expect to be
told by the weekend? But my very last payment of that benefit occurs
the day after the decision and therefore will be a gap before seeing
the Citizen's Advice again.
Now I have contacted
several others and a couple of these are meant to have advocates and
one said to have a legal team or people. I have heard nothing yet but
maybe I might get to meet one of them this week, with one in
particular I know I can get to.
The rest of the time
you should be off doing your stuff and enjoying other stuff. But you
cannot and it is like having days being stolen from you. Time being
stolen. In essence that is what it is.
As everyone knows you
need time to do anything and in this digital world where there are no
hoards of bloggers because everyone has a smartphone in their pocket
you need more time than ever before to get anything achieved. Or even
get up to a level that becomes noticeable.
When I say 'noticeable'
I really mean that enough people are aware of you that shows that
your heading in a direction … a good direction or the right
direction.
Another annoying and
rather unwanted distraction is this weird irritation I have around my
eye as it has been playing up more and more the last few months.
It should be some
replied that I finally have a hospital appointment about it after
mentioning it to several GP's over the last 4 years or so. Would be
just my luck, perhaps a gift, that it would turn out to be a tumour
or growth of some kind that needs an operation. Yeah that being a
gift does sound strange but when everything has been as difficult as
it has been at times you get fed up with trying to find or fight a
way out of it. Especially when it is down to finding other people to
tell you what to do, help or even act for you and they are few and
far between.
Well almost
non-existent to be honest and if the Citizen's Advice comes to
nothing then it would have been completely non-existent.
There are times when I
think that despite my blogs it would take nothing short of my death
for things to change?
Maybe that is just how
it is destined to be? Who knows?
Maybe by attempt to
help others on-line was always going to turn into my demise and even
death on-line to wake people up? To make people care about others
more?
To me it always comes
back around to everything being negative and impending doom to
finding a way to turn it back around the being positive.
The urge is to dig into
the skin above the eye socket as well as put pressure into and around
the eye socket because it feels like there is something there, like
pressure, that needs release. This is my right eye socket, or from
the view of someone else, my left eye.
A quick search and
something called a Lipoma seems to fit the description … only that
with Lipomas there is no mention of an irritation or sensation with
other people noticing the lump being literally the only symptom. It
basically is a build up of fatty tissues and they do noot seem to
know why it happens.
Almost oddly perfect in
this is the fact that I also seem to have an issue with my throat on
its right side and always had an issue with my right ear, the latter
for a very, very long time.
Also weird is that many
of my long list of symptoms are either located on my right side or
appeared on my right side before later appearing on my left to become
bi-lateral, meaning occurs on both sides of the body. Both feet or
both legs etc.
So I have an irritation
or lump on my forehead and there is such a thing as Forehead Cancer,
a type of skin cancer. I feel like I also have a lump inside my eye
socket too, it feels like the two things are connected but may turn
out not to be.
I am also to have a
colonoscopy at some point due to recurring trapped wind type pains
that are pretty severe.
But I was socked to
find out something extra about brain tumours. Now you may or may not
know that I have been having not just a return of my black outs but
that these have been rampant and I have experienced a full on
seizure, blacking out to the point of unconsciousness and remaining
that way for ten minutes, according to Mr and Mrs Harfcell who just
froze 100 metres away from me and just watched. The two harfs make a
hole in this instance, lol.
So where tumours in the
head or brain are concerned it already does not look now sound that
good so what if I was to state that I have discovered by a surgeon on
YouTube, that brain tumours can cause abdominal pain?!
So now it really does
not look good, right?
Well you have to face
these possibilities and oddly if you try to talk to anyone about this
they tell you you are being morbid and not to think or talk like
that. Like not talking about it cures the cancer if you have it!
I know people react
like this so I do not even bother to talk like this. They know I have
the upcoming neurology appointment and that is about it.
I would imagine that
some would panic about losing me or me just not being around any
longer as I am a go to person when things get really bad, tricky or
something complicated needs solving or an understanding or
explanation given in layman's terms.
That first appointment
is in August and I do not know what will happen and nor do I even
know if I will have a home around the time I have the appointment. It
is likely that I will but just about barely or barely hanging onto it
via the help of some other group, body or organisation?
Fingers and toes well
and truly crossed here but if I am destined to be kicked out of my
home and lose all the tools and gadgets I have worked so hard to
acquire to help me and my blogs then a death sentence via cancer
might just be more humane than living through all that yet again?
I may even turn out to
be epileptic?
Imagine though for a
moment . Needing surgery and either being homeless at te time or
about to be? All this because they failed to diagnose a condition for
over a decade and then refuse to give any support because the name is
not as widely known as something like 'diabetes'?
I have said this before
… say the 'C' word, diabetes or even epilepsy and everyone is like
'oooh poor thing … let us help' but say something rare or they have
not heard of and you get nothing more tan a shrug of the shoulders.
Sometimes metaphorically speaking too where the attitude is nothing
more than a shrug of the shoulders.
It is almost like a
'get out of jail free card' whereby they do not have to worry or more
accurately seen to worry because no one knows what it is or very few
people know of the condition's existence?
Now I imagine that this
is the only concern of just about every charity out there that
specifies in one condition or other? Be it heart problems and a long
list of other things right around to my own condition of
Fibromyalgia?
Ask for money to have a
website and write the odd letter to your government asking them to
take more notice of said condition? Other than that you contact them
for help, they tell you they cannot and then explain how to spot your
condition? A bit annoying when you have spoken to one of the top
people in the country on your condition and they did not even know
the name of the only drugs that deals with the very core of the
problem. Yup .. annoying!
Now with this digital
age and with the Internet in almost everyone's pocket if not at home
it would be very easy for a list of the world's biggest companies to
spend just a couple of weeks getting everyone aware of a list of
debilitating conditions. That is if they did not mind giving up
primary advertising space that normally goes at a premium price
similar to a telephone number?
Google and Apple are to
that you could consider capable of doing this with the number of
users they have not just an iny given country but across the world.
So how about on a
particular web-page not having some silly logo or some reference to
something or the other you have a debilitating condition for a few
days or weeks?
'Condition name and
here is what it does!'
Something like that. If
both companies did this they would get almost all people on Earth as
they normally have an Android phone or an Apple phone. Throw in the
other of this particular evil trinity, of Microsoft and you have just
about everyone with maybe a tiny percentage that do not have
smartphones, tablet PCs or computers.
Do not worry as they
are bound to hear about the condition advertised from someone they
know that does have a smartphone or PC.
While I have been
typing this I have been listening to a brave and poor young girl that
had to have treatment on a brain tumour.
The poor girl has an anxiety disorder too!
It is eight months old and I hope she pulled through it and actually scared to look for more videos in case she did not!
This is the second one
I was playing as I reached the end of this post ..
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