Oh .. my .. God What
the hell is going on?!
OK that was too weird
.. and too scary. I was first going to title this 'Too Much To Scary'
but thought it sounded wimpish, lol, even though it is not me … per
se.
Right then I got out on
the bike after an extreme effort. But stopped by the main road to
collect my thoughts. Visited my local shop for a can of Monster and a
Twirl. Walked along with my bike and noticed my arms were doing that
tingling thing.
Fuck! Just had almost
total seizure annd just remember milk was not in fridge and was about
to seize as the fridge door was closing and I bent forward and down
and just about caught it Not before everything went black and that
warm tingling electrical like fuzzy feeling I get when I have these
blackouts.
Jesus this is turning
out to be a hell of a day!
I GOT MILK! Hmm did I
already type that? Memory gone blank .. oh yes I did, lol.
Well it is Tuesday and
first time I had milk in the house since last …. umm Tuesday … at
the earliest. I certainly had none on Thursday … oh wait and I told
a friend I had, had no milk for three days … so last Monday. Eight
days. Groan
So
I did get a little bit of food … forgot to get couple those cheap
bag of doughnuts … what? There is no way I can cook right now and
they are damned cheap. I forgot them anyway and was one of three
things I wanted. The other being Sarsaparilla, a dilutable drink if
you never heard of it.
Anyway
forget that, I digress.
I
was walking along with my bike and my can of drink when I was feeling
this tingling in my arms and then I was getting these hot flushing
feelings except it was not hot and felt cold. I had already had some
anxiety before I left the house. But I had gotten a couple hundred
yards when this occurred and I though 'o shit, what's this?' Then I
stopped and grabbed a metal fence along the main road by a Pelican
crossing. Then I felt my left thigh go weak.
But
I am out with my damn bike!
Panic
mode!
How
the f***uuu***ck does this anxiety bloody work and how does it just
affect the leg thing, I was not even thinking about anything. Trying
to focus about being out, the breeze and the noise … which turned
into a low din just before the tingling started or around the same
time, I cannot recall exactly.
Sometimes
it comes on when you think about something … even something mundane
you need to do it can just go boom. It goes off like Krakatoa if I
think of the mainstream stress causing problem and sometimes it just
goes off on its own.
I
remembered when I felt like this years ago and you reach out for help
and the so called experts tell you to 'not think about it' err you
effing have to jerk off, 'do something constructive' that is stupid
almost impossible and now with the thigh muscles shutting down … or
read this book on CBT it is the cure of all evils and when nothing
works they get frustrated and even sarcastic as they then feel
useless But I thought about all the people that must have gone before
me and been frustrated by all this. You want a pill and all you get
is what they believe to be and act like are magic words. Then your
told to come back in 28 days?!
'What
the f***uu**ck? I cannot take 2 more days and your telling me to fuck
off for 28?!' is what went through my mind in the past and I dare say
has been through many others?
I
can imagine people reading this thinking 'I feel you man, I feeel
you!' I feel you to.
It
is probably about to all happen again over the next eight weeks and
this time things are going to go a little differently. Because I know
what does and does not work, I know where it is coming from, what
causes it and have names for them all. This time they cannot fob me
off because I have no diagnosis .. I know!
No
magic words just pills or the source of the stress needs to be dealt
with and despite all that people think I can do and all that I know I
have limits and now I know that the anxiety just comes and shuts
everything down.
There
is nothing you can do to prevent it when it comes out of the blue
like that and no simple off switch.
Amazes
me that Doctors never stop and consider for one second that patients
could have tried a whole load of things before going to see them?
Maybe even buying various pills and things from their local chemist?
Nope, they act like you just got it that morning you made the
appointment for the first time.
Oh
dear … I have gone off at a tandem there.
I
reached a bin with my bike to throw the chocolate wrapper away and
finish my drink and throw that way too. Yeah like never stealing,
cheating or doing people over I do not even throw litter on the
floor. Dead against it and hate seeing it.
I
splayed my legs out a bit and leant against my bike for support as it
was obvious I was losing the use of my thighs for the third time now.
I held onto the metal guard fence and got on my bike, wondering
whether or not I would end up on my arse. I really do not need
another accident with everything else that is going on. But been in
some bad ones, that bought all this on in the first place, and
falling off a bike not that big a deal. I was laughing the last time
I did it. A lady in a car next to me wound down her passenger said
window and said “Oh God, are you alright?!” to which I said yes
as I was laughing. It was the first time I had used clipless (odd
name as you clip in) pedals and I undid the wrong foot and when I
stopped went the other way, lol.
When
I pulled away on the bike I took it slow as I did not know how the
things were going to be with cycling. Not great but they did it and I
cycled very, very slowly down to Sainsburys. I was lucky as it felt
like the left thigh was more affected than the right. So when I did
get to Sainsburys after nearly turning around and going home a couple
of time, I used my walking stick on my right side. Yup if I use a
bike to go shopping anywhere the stick folds up and goes in my
backpack.
Lucky
I did not forget it! Otherwise I would have had to return home with
no shopping for the eighth day in a row!
Jesus
how are you supposed to focus and think about anything when you have
so many things that can go on all at the same time?! If feels like
your heads going to explode and with the anxiety implode at the same
time?!
I
am listening to another radio show that has been sent to me about …
umm let me look, ah I thought it was Bigfoot and it is, it is called
the Sasquatch Chronicles. Thought it might have been the Paracas
Skulls again, or rather a different one. Still trying to get to
listen to the first one he gave me all the way through. Started it
tree times and ended up falling asleep so I downloaded the thing.
It
is weird as I like listening to these and it seems to take my mind
off the threats of impending doom. Over half my living allowance
taken away and a court case to get it back, the possibility of being
mmade homeless again and a neurology appointment because I am having
seizures, or at least I have had one lasting ten minutes and have
come close to others probably a couple of dozen times and other mild
blackouts. Well, medium blackouts.
Maybe
it is because I like mysterious things like this, aliens and things
like that or I just have something interesting to talk to when I
visit the shop. My interaction has been a bit lax of late and I have
not been out on my photography and filming runs on my mountain bike,
sadly.
To
say it has not been good of late is something way beyond an
understatement and I mean if the three things I mentioned of
impending doom are not enough that even if it turns out I do not have
a tumour there is still the things vexing me, the full on seizures
and then added to this is the fact that I ave lost the use of my legs
three times now.. Something that upon research is caused by very
strong anxiety I have experienced of late which itself is caused by
my Fibromyalgia. This can become permanent too and is known as a
silly name called 'rubber legs'.
So
a whole damned list of symptoms some that might be something killing
me and another that might make me unable to walk the rests of my life
and that is I do not become homeless. LMAO.
It
is often said about me that you simply cannot make the stuff up I end
up going through …. nothing for ages and then all hell breaks
loose.
Funny
too that I listen to these sows about Bigfoot and I think about
whether it is real or not and while tehre are certainly a lot of
people faking this and probably making money from it, there are
compelling stories too.
I
also find it funny that if it was all bullshit, along with other
subject areas they claim about, then it is hilarious that people have
made money out of bullshit and lies and I have done nothing but tell
the truth and as yet not made a penny, lmao.
I
have had it said from time to time you do not get anywhere by being
honest and that is my problem and my friend Ken, who I helped while
he slowly died of kidney cancer. Always said I was born a 100 to a
1,000 years too soon. The world is not right for me. Lol.
Nice
to know that someone I met thought the future was a bright one, as
not many do.
That
show I said I was listening to right now? Well I just had a guy being
interviewed whose searching for things like Bigfoot and Yeti, has not
found anything and makes a great deal of sense and sounds like me
when talking about others that bullshit and fake. He also mirrors
what I have said about people that insist they are right and cannot
admit being wrong.
Oddly
although the show and interviewer is American the guy being
interviewed is British, lol. Ah I just checked and his name, the
Brit, is Adam Davies and is listed as one of the world's foremost
Cryptozoologists. Someone that looks for new species at the slightly
weird end of the subject, or at least I only hear of Cryptozoology
when it is normally Bigfoot, Yeti, Dogman which sounds a bit too
bizarre as these sound more like Werewolves.
He
mentions about the attitudes of others around 45 minutes to 50
minutes in...
You
just know listening to it he is talking about an attitude that is
extremely common on YouTube in the comments where people start to
argue about who is right. He states that this attitude is stupid
because on either side you cannot prove that you are right and tat
continuing to argue or even shout about it is not going to make a
blind bit of difference to what the truth is.
Hmm,
I like that guy.
This
attitude is not confined to Bigfoot, oh no. I see it in video gaming
and I see it in computer hardware in the comments section and is one
very major reason why I rarely comment. Let us just say you would be
hard pressed to find my comments. All one or two of them … ooh I do
not remember how many I made even if it is in single figures. Unless
half-wits that tink themselves superior say something on my YouTube
comments … then I tend to put them in their place … or YAWN and
then put them in their place.
Like
this guy says … if your not quick witted and need time to mull
things over do not react in a knee-jerk fashion as your opening
yourselves up to attack. But give people a video games machine or
they build a PC and get access to the Internet and suddenly there are
experts on everything and everyone else is a dumb-arse. Lol.
Let
us gibe an example …. the Dogman things souds as stupid as hell and
sounds like an obvious set of hoaxes. I cannot say that they all are
hoaxes or that Dogman does not exist … because I do not know and
nor can I prove it.
Oh
God, and do not even get me started on the religious fruitcakes. Or I
should say the religious ones that also happen to be fruitcakes, or
fruit loops, lol.
No comments:
Post a Comment