ZOMBIELAND

Ooof.

What a day I am having.

I feel like I have been on cruise control while my brain has been in some nether region of my mind I am not familiar with. Even my pharmacist commented on my … vacant … look.

Going to the Citizen's Advice was a complete waste of time, apart from the fact … hmm … I am having trouble pressing the keys down on my keyboard? They feel … tougher.

Yeah they would not let me in, despite the fact I have a case, and told me they wont deal with me on the phone? I have to take a ticket at 9.30am and I guess hang around they way it was working twenty years ago?!

Except I was asked to go back to let them know how it went on or if anything changed? Weird. They expect people to take tickets and hang around doing nothing just to let them know how things went for their statistics? Weird.

There was even a row on the return bus between the driver and an African woman, driver claiming she had nothing on her Oyster Card while to passenger claiming that she had already swiped her Oyster Card and had a go and stated she was going to report the driver.

I spent the day daydreaming about what options I have left to me. That was all I wanted to hear from the Citizen's Advice but after two meetings and a couple of attempts to see someone I still do not know what they are.

I am not going to Brentwood. I cannot go to Upper Holloway from Enfield and I am going to court over that and they know it, so why suddenly ask me to go five times the distance? Something would certainly go horribly wrong for me if I attempted that journey and I would certainly suffer badly. So it is going to go the way it always goes and I ask for a Home Visit that they either say yes to and then do not turn up, three times in a row, or they will just refuse or mention a taxi. To which no one on benefits can afford and God only knows how much the fee would be to go from Enfield to Brentwood. Hmm let us see?

It is 21.2 miles if you went by car and around the M25 motorway. Of course no one on benefits, save those that get cars under mobility allowances, which I do not and only have a Freedom Pass, can go by car or even own a bloody car.

You would have to travel right into London to a mainline station I imagine and then a long journey out to Brentwood. God only knows how far the building is from the station. I know people that were asked to go to Colchester, might have been Chelmsford, from Hackney which is central London more or less. I told them not to bother, they will only refuse them Personal Independent Payments anyway. These things are rigged and only exist to make the British public think they are doing things properly and fairly. Even then they argue that if you got there you can do a full time job, though where the logic is in this escapes me and always has. If you do not go they refuse you too and once again only God would know what logic they use for that excuse?

I feel like I am in a daze, have done all day. You do all the things you are able to, contact the people you are able to, go through these horrible limbo periods of not knowing and at the end you end up five steps further back than when you first asked for help!

I spent a lot of the time wondering how I might get by with a part time job and where on Earth I would find one or if I was capable of doing something part time?

I spent much time picturing myself sleeping on park benches and trying to picture a place I could sleep, where I would go during the day and where people that are made homeless actually go? At least here in Enfield?

What I also thought about which always infuriates me is how this is all been happening for years because they wont give me the proper drug of Sodium Oxybate for my condition. They will not even allow me to try the next two drugs on the list that are a best fit for my condition, Milnacipran and Pregabalin. Even today I picked up my repeat prescription and once again there was no Methocarbamol on either of them. Despite asking for it and despite coming off Tramadol at the request of the neurology specialist at Chase Farm Hospital.

God I suddenly feel tired and I am also getting that sleepy feeling that is so hard to fight off. How I wish my body would just completely shut down completely and put an end to the nightmare.

Oops, I fell asleep.

Now I have to bloody well go out and get stuff!

Just a question of time now before my Fibromyalgia Syndrome's anxiety attacks overwhelm the medication I am currently taking to control it.

Yeesh! I will be done a that point and I wonder if the rubber legs symptom will strike again and become bloody permanent?!

TOO MUCH TO FEAR

Oh .. my .. God What the hell is going on?!

OK that was too weird .. and too scary. I was first going to title this 'Too Much To Scary' but thought it sounded wimpish, lol, even though it is not me … per se.

Right then I got out on the bike after an extreme effort. But stopped by the main road to collect my thoughts. Visited my local shop for a can of Monster and a Twirl. Walked along with my bike and noticed my arms were doing that tingling thing.

Fuck! Just had almost total seizure annd just remember milk was not in fridge and was about to seize as the fridge door was closing and I bent forward and down and just about caught it Not before everything went black and that warm tingling electrical like fuzzy feeling I get when I have these blackouts.

Jesus this is turning out to be a hell of a day!

I GOT MILK! Hmm did I already type that? Memory gone blank .. oh yes I did, lol.

Well it is Tuesday and first time I had milk in the house since last …. umm Tuesday … at the earliest. I certainly had none on Thursday … oh wait and I told a friend I had, had no milk for three days … so last Monday. Eight days. Groan

So I did get a little bit of food … forgot to get couple those cheap bag of doughnuts … what? There is no way I can cook right now and they are damned cheap. I forgot them anyway and was one of three things I wanted. The other being Sarsaparilla, a dilutable drink if you never heard of it.

Anyway forget that, I digress.

I was walking along with my bike and my can of drink when I was feeling this tingling in my arms and then I was getting these hot flushing feelings except it was not hot and felt cold. I had already had some anxiety before I left the house. But I had gotten a couple hundred yards when this occurred and I though 'o shit, what's this?' Then I stopped and grabbed a metal fence along the main road by a Pelican crossing. Then I felt my left thigh go weak.

But I am out with my damn bike!

Panic mode!

How the f***uuu***ck does this anxiety bloody work and how does it just affect the leg thing, I was not even thinking about anything. Trying to focus about being out, the breeze and the noise … which turned into a low din just before the tingling started or around the same time, I cannot recall exactly.

Sometimes it comes on when you think about something … even something mundane you need to do it can just go boom. It goes off like Krakatoa if I think of the mainstream stress causing problem and sometimes it just goes off on its own.

I remembered when I felt like this years ago and you reach out for help and the so called experts tell you to 'not think about it' err you effing have to jerk off, 'do something constructive' that is stupid almost impossible and now with the thigh muscles shutting down … or read this book on CBT it is the cure of all evils and when nothing works they get frustrated and even sarcastic as they then feel useless But I thought about all the people that must have gone before me and been frustrated by all this. You want a pill and all you get is what they believe to be and act like are magic words. Then your told to come back in 28 days?!

'What the f***uu**ck? I cannot take 2 more days and your telling me to fuck off for 28?!' is what went through my mind in the past and I dare say has been through many others?

I can imagine people reading this thinking 'I feel you man, I feeel you!' I feel you to.

It is probably about to all happen again over the next eight weeks and this time things are going to go a little differently. Because I know what does and does not work, I know where it is coming from, what causes it and have names for them all. This time they cannot fob me off because I have no diagnosis .. I know!

No magic words just pills or the source of the stress needs to be dealt with and despite all that people think I can do and all that I know I have limits and now I know that the anxiety just comes and shuts everything down.

There is nothing you can do to prevent it when it comes out of the blue like that and no simple off switch.

Amazes me that Doctors never stop and consider for one second that patients could have tried a whole load of things before going to see them? Maybe even buying various pills and things from their local chemist? Nope, they act like you just got it that morning you made the appointment for the first time.

Oh dear … I have gone off at a tandem there.

I reached a bin with my bike to throw the chocolate wrapper away and finish my drink and throw that way too. Yeah like never stealing, cheating or doing people over I do not even throw litter on the floor. Dead against it and hate seeing it.

I splayed my legs out a bit and leant against my bike for support as it was obvious I was losing the use of my thighs for the third time now. I held onto the metal guard fence and got on my bike, wondering whether or not I would end up on my arse. I really do not need another accident with everything else that is going on. But been in some bad ones, that bought all this on in the first place, and falling off a bike not that big a deal. I was laughing the last time I did it. A lady in a car next to me wound down her passenger said window and said “Oh God, are you alright?!” to which I said yes as I was laughing. It was the first time I had used clipless (odd name as you clip in) pedals and I undid the wrong foot and when I stopped went the other way, lol.

When I pulled away on the bike I took it slow as I did not know how the things were going to be with cycling. Not great but they did it and I cycled very, very slowly down to Sainsburys. I was lucky as it felt like the left thigh was more affected than the right. So when I did get to Sainsburys after nearly turning around and going home a couple of time, I used my walking stick on my right side. Yup if I use a bike to go shopping anywhere the stick folds up and goes in my backpack.

Lucky I did not forget it! Otherwise I would have had to return home with no shopping for the eighth day in a row!

Jesus how are you supposed to focus and think about anything when you have so many things that can go on all at the same time?! If feels like your heads going to explode and with the anxiety implode at the same time?!

I am listening to another radio show that has been sent to me about … umm let me look, ah I thought it was Bigfoot and it is, it is called the Sasquatch Chronicles. Thought it might have been the Paracas Skulls again, or rather a different one. Still trying to get to listen to the first one he gave me all the way through. Started it tree times and ended up falling asleep so I downloaded the thing.

It is weird as I like listening to these and it seems to take my mind off the threats of impending doom. Over half my living allowance taken away and a court case to get it back, the possibility of being mmade homeless again and a neurology appointment because I am having seizures, or at least I have had one lasting ten minutes and have come close to others probably a couple of dozen times and other mild blackouts. Well, medium blackouts.

Maybe it is because I like mysterious things like this, aliens and things like that or I just have something interesting to talk to when I visit the shop. My interaction has been a bit lax of late and I have not been out on my photography and filming runs on my mountain bike, sadly.

To say it has not been good of late is something way beyond an understatement and I mean if the three things I mentioned of impending doom are not enough that even if it turns out I do not have a tumour there is still the things vexing me, the full on seizures and then added to this is the fact that I ave lost the use of my legs three times now.. Something that upon research is caused by very strong anxiety I have experienced of late which itself is caused by my Fibromyalgia. This can become permanent too and is known as a silly name called 'rubber legs'.

So a whole damned list of symptoms some that might be something killing me and another that might make me unable to walk the rests of my life and that is I do not become homeless. LMAO.

It is often said about me that you simply cannot make the stuff up I end up going through …. nothing for ages and then all hell breaks loose.

Funny too that I listen to these sows about Bigfoot and I think about whether it is real or not and while tehre are certainly a lot of people faking this and probably making money from it, there are compelling stories too.

I also find it funny that if it was all bullshit, along with other subject areas they claim about, then it is hilarious that people have made money out of bullshit and lies and I have done nothing but tell the truth and as yet not made a penny, lmao.

I have had it said from time to time you do not get anywhere by being honest and that is my problem and my friend Ken, who I helped while he slowly died of kidney cancer. Always said I was born a 100 to a 1,000 years too soon. The world is not right for me. Lol.

Nice to know that someone I met thought the future was a bright one, as not many do.

That show I said I was listening to right now? Well I just had a guy being interviewed whose searching for things like Bigfoot and Yeti, has not found anything and makes a great deal of sense and sounds like me when talking about others that bullshit and fake. He also mirrors what I have said about people that insist they are right and cannot admit being wrong.

Oddly although the show and interviewer is American the guy being interviewed is British, lol. Ah I just checked and his name, the Brit, is Adam Davies and is listed as one of the world's foremost Cryptozoologists. Someone that looks for new species at the slightly weird end of the subject, or at least I only hear of Cryptozoology when it is normally Bigfoot, Yeti, Dogman which sounds a bit too bizarre as these sound more like Werewolves.

He mentions about the attitudes of others around 45 minutes to 50 minutes in...

https://sasquatchchronicles.com/scep238-strange-lights-and-strange-creatures/

You just know listening to it he is talking about an attitude that is extremely common on YouTube in the comments where people start to argue about who is right. He states that this attitude is stupid because on either side you cannot prove that you are right and tat continuing to argue or even shout about it is not going to make a blind bit of difference to what the truth is.

Hmm, I like that guy.

This attitude is not confined to Bigfoot, oh no. I see it in video gaming and I see it in computer hardware in the comments section and is one very major reason why I rarely comment. Let us just say you would be hard pressed to find my comments. All one or two of them … ooh I do not remember how many I made even if it is in single figures. Unless half-wits that tink themselves superior say something on my YouTube comments … then I tend to put them in their place … or YAWN and then put them in their place.

Like this guy says … if your not quick witted and need time to mull things over do not react in a knee-jerk fashion as your opening yourselves up to attack. But give people a video games machine or they build a PC and get access to the Internet and suddenly there are experts on everything and everyone else is a dumb-arse. Lol.

Let us gibe an example …. the Dogman things souds as stupid as hell and sounds like an obvious set of hoaxes. I cannot say that they all are hoaxes or that Dogman does not exist … because I do not know and nor can I prove it.

Oh God, and do not even get me started on the religious fruitcakes. Or I should say the religious ones that also happen to be fruitcakes, or fruit loops, lol.