THE ILL & THE DREAD

Oh I do not like the feelings I have this morning.

It is not nice at all and very, very weird. I feel a bit ill and I feel a bit of anxiety and it is the strongest feeling of anxiety since I started taking those Propranalol beta-blocker pills.

That is not encouraging.

At the same time I am having real difficulties doing my usual things just as I feared I would when I was basically hoodwinked and conned into looking after someone's pets. Before they went away I was visited two days before departure and was asked to put the kettle on and I answered “Sorry, I have forgotten to get milk for three days”. Well they left on Saturday and that was two more days and it is now Tuesday and that is another three more days and guess what? I do not have any milk still.

That is how it can be.

On every other day I am not at the house I keep panicking I have forgotten something at the house.

The first day I had to get out my second bike and I forgot it was likely it had a puncture. Why did I use my second beaten up bike and not my shiny newer bike? Because I knew I would not be able to do the jobs I was hoodwinked into doing without it. He went away a few months ago for a week and I did exactly the same thing then, went there every other day and it nearly killed me. Despite the fact he lives fairly close to me. About half a mile I would say. Ten minute or so walk … hard to judge because I do not walk reasonable well and always limp. Walking, or rather limping, on consecutive days is normally bad news for me. I have been lazy as I have not used my bike much this year partly because despite being at either ends of the house they are both a pain in the arse to get out due to my house. Partly because the weather has been utterly terrible.

So I got the bike out on the first day they were away and I changed the inner-tube. I cycled to a different friend and chatted for a few hours before going around the house to feed and water the other pets. He has a son that is a bit .. of a problem and not really with the rest of us when it comes to common sense. What he used to do was drive me nuts to get into the house when I did this several years back. One of the reasons I fell out with him for several years was him expecting me to do all this crap for him, the friend that is. I remember that before my friend had even reached Crete I was getting phone-calls about getting in the house.

This son is a problem, he flies up and down the stairs and in and out the house letting doors slam or not closing them properly. It is like he literally has a one track mind. It was really weird to witness. My friend was always going on about him and at first I thought he was being over dramatic, but no. He would often leave the house and leave the door wide open, and I mean leave the house … go off to a mate's house for hours. He used to smoke Cannabis a lot and my friend thought it was all down to that and Cannabis destroys your brain, as some would love to like us believe to suit there needs. I pointed out that it was not this and that his son probably needed to talk to someone and be investigated. Putting it as politely as I could.

This kid also thinks he is going to be a big rap star. He is well into his twenties.

He also now actually has a girlfriend and even a child with her and they live elsewhere but for some reason there are a couple of important things of his left in his old bedroom.

So on the Saturday morning before my friend has reached Crete and I am changing the inner-tube on my bike the phone rings. I miss it and then I get a text from an unknown number and it simply says 'Are you going to my Dad's house today?' Yeah like that is supposed to explain who it is but luckily I know this kid all too well and realised it was him.

I told him not until 4pm.

A little while later I get another phone-call fro the boyfriend of my friend's daughter who are going there on the days I am not. O yeah, I forgot about that. When I was saying 'no' to looking after his animals he told me he had made it easier for me as he has his daughter and her boyfriend going there one day so that I only have to go there every other day. I was a bit annoyed with this and said “How is that supposed to help me? I am still coming here every other day which was what I was doing when you went away last time that I could not handle it!” Of course just like of old when he wanted things his way I never got an answer. S the boyfriend called me and said “Have you heard from [the son] about getting in the house?” I ten told him that I had before he went on to say that he had asked his sister for the keys and when she told him no he got frustrated with her and upset her.

The girl has her own problems and upsetting her is not a good idea.

So two of us have been put into a situation that is not good for the heath of either of us, lol.

I told this guy that we were going to get a lot of this.

I got to the house at 4.15pm after speaking to a mutual friend about it. I had been asked why I had agreed to this by several people and how wrong it was to put me in this position. How was I expected to refuse him entry or get him out when I let him in?

Oh. I am guessing that you have worked out that for years the son was not allowed a key to the house while my friend was on holiday? For the obvious reasons.

So the boy knows, is told each time his Dad goes away why he is not allowed a key, told he is not getting in the house and told to not drive people nuts about getting in the house. But always does drive people nuts.

I told this chap on the phone that I remember him on the phone to me the very same day that our friend went away on holiday four years ago the very last time I did this.

We are still on Saturday here, lol. The first day, lol.

Anyway when I finally got to the house around 4.15pm there was no son waiting outside. Well, I thought, it could not have been that important. Around 4.45pm the house phone rang three times which was unusual. I thought 'I bet it is him?' Then my mobile started ringing, yup it was him. It is now 5pm I told him I would be there at 4pm, he is half a dozen miles away with no car and now wants to come to the house. The house he does not live in any longer. I said … 'fine, I will be here' and ended up watching a documentary on volcanos. Some forty minutes later he then phones me, says he has stuff happening there and cannot come. Perhaps a girlfriend who is asking him why he is about to pay for a taxi to get home to do some rapping to two sings then come home again?

You think I am joking? I did say he has always thought he was going to be a big rap star, lol.

He once had an argument over not finding a job because he as going to be a big rap star and would not have believed this myself had I not been there to actually ear it myself!

Eventually I leave the house on my beaten up bike I got out and changed the inner-tube on so that I could lock it up at Sainsburys on the way home without worrying about it being nicked. Only … as I was cycling away from the house I thought … 'why does the front of my bike feel spongey?' and looked down to see I had a tyre with very little air in it and I had the wrong air pump to the wrong bike.

Straight home and no Sainsburys and no milk and other bits I needed.

Now it is Tuesday and I still have not go milk and last night I came home too buggered and I also realised I had hardly eaten anything. If you can count two cans of Monster,, oooh yeah I am feeling thirsty all the time, and four Twirls. Oh and a packet of McCoy's Salt & Vinegar Crisps. That was is all day. No food in the house and has not been for a week.

That was yesterday … Monday and only my second visit to the house to look after the pets.

How long is he away for? Only 5.5 Weeks. Yes that is five point five weeks!

So today I ave this feeling of illness mixed with anxiety, as I started of saying.

Only my life could be like this.

But then I never thought I would be here this year.

And yes that appointment in a couple of weeks because of the blackouts, seizure I had, hearing dropping off by around 30% (ears popping) and a couple of others that point towards a brain tumour? I said to someone it would be just soo typical of me that I will have all this shit to deal with after just being told something potentially traumatic.

Lol.

He does not return until three weeks after my appointment, though I am not likely to be told at the time I do not think. Unless they feel on the day after inspecting me and talking to me that I need a scan tat very same day?

I have not even told my mother yet who has just found out a friend of hers of many years as terminal cancer. A mother to some childhood friends of mine.

But hey, according to the DWP everyone is sitting around with nothing going on and can be fucked about unfairly and having their money cancelled unfairly.

Oh and I have meetings with Citizen's Advice an appointment for a colonoscopy I am still waiting for and of course a visit to the local council and a bloody form to fill in .. and documents to hand over and anything else that crops up over the next five weeks.

Plus my normal fatigue getting far worse and let us pray I do not lose the use of my legs again!

It is annoying at times because you feel as if either people do not believe your Fibromyalgia, do not realise what having Fibromyalgia is like or simply just do not care and are selfish? I just do not know.

The ill and the dread is all I seem destined to have.