DEATH BY PROPRANALOL

OK this was was both unexpected and a bloody great shock.

This is the drug I'm due to run out of any day now and .. I didn't expect to see the name 'Propranalol' when I started reading this article?!

I have to say this is something of a surprise to me as I've been taking this drug for awhile now plus I've taken it in the past!

I was told something .. a piece of news that I actually thought would have me off this damn drug for good?! Well at least I would not need it nor feel I need it any longer. But .. there's been a delay that might be .. permanent due to downright incompetence of one, not picking up the phone, and a little disorganisation of another that can't be helped. Well the first person should know this and picked up the fucking new invention of the fucking phone!

Oh well just have to wait and see now.

A shame as I was drawn in via a trap into a row because I told someone I can't help them remember their password. Yeah .. I had no hand in making it and .. yeah it's as nuts as it sounds.

What's worse is they thought that the WiFi password was the same as the account password despite being told it was different .. twice!!

Ooh yeah and it turned to shouting when I would not allow them to go into a protracted story telling about WiFi passwords. As I said despite making it FUCKING CRYSTAL CLEAR that the people at Virgin Media wanted the fucking account password .. FUCKING TWICE?!

My daughter is going mad and believes someone is stupid, childish, treats family members closing in on 50 like they are children and intentionally trying to drive me insane?! It certainly feels like it!

All this because Virgin Media's broadband is utter crap as always is the case in my experience .. and that is around six or more cases too! Mine included!

Hence why I'm edgy with the NHS and recently tore NHS England several new ones and placed several official complaints!

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/schoolgirl-second-teen-die-mental-12334581

WHAT A DAY WITH NO DAYDREAMS

Jesus .. I feel .. strange.

This was after feeling really bad this morning and the Doctors called and asked me to go in within the hour.

I was feeling crap and the surgery not far so I walked .. or hobbled to be precise. Not that bad though because I don't do much walking. Not regularly anyway so it's easier when I do.

I was in begging mode .. didn't see the same Doctor as last time. This one was reserved. He seemed like an OK guy though.

He didn't seem to think I had the flu and thought it might be something else? Probably because of the amount of time I have had it?

I got some more Diazepam and he prescribed Venlafaxine, which was weird because Venlafaxine was prescribed some years ago but don't remember it doing much, other than done rotten withdrawal symptoms I had never had before on any other pill. Or maybe I have but didn't link them at the time or just can't remember?

Came back to the house and my ex was here, of forgotten that she was coming. Some deep cleaning was going on .. well a little.

She said she couldn't understand how bad it gets here and I said that is impossible. You can't keep anything tidy anywhere. Only for about thirty minutes and it looks the same.

I had a little trouble sorting out my pills before taking them. My ex didn't want me to do much, obviously realising or told I was at the Doctors.

She wanted me to go to the tip though but .. I'd just passed on driving due to hire I felt and had to hospital appointments within two hours.

It was kinda cold ... that miserable type cold temperature where it's just low enough to be bothersome.

At the hospital I had to concentrate hard because I wanted to pass out the whole time.

When I was being scanned I thought I was going to pass out??

Anyway had the monitor fitted, told what button to press in the event of an episode.

But upon returning I feel asleep. That's not like me to fall asleep during the day. But lack of sleep and over half a dozen pills probably had an effect on me.

The worry now is .. shifting a lot of things about which is imminent and now told there's a time limit.

Bit awkward timing really, what with three appointments imminent.

I found out that more people closer to home are reading my blog which I did no expect nor have I had it happened in the past. Before I moved here that is.

The problem came from the posting to Facebook, which was going through my Twitter feed and have now turned off.

THE WRONG FEELINGS

Just to keep a note of the date and the symptoms ..

Bloody bad flu .. again but really intense .. sinuses in pain, intense headache and  worst of all ..

Anxiety so strong it feels like I'm having a damn heart attack that woke me up ninety minutes ago!

Finally found diazepam and taken one of those while smoking .. and a Propranolol.

No idea what brought this on .. trying to remember to get things done and get to Doctors is making me feel worse for some bizarre reason?!

Thought of calling ambulance bit don't want to do that. Going to walk in centre? Too ill to drive!

It's like my body sets of the wrong feelings at times.

My God .. I wish I would just die and be bloody done with it?! How can the human body torture itself this bloody much and still be alive?! I just don't get it .. ooh pounding on my head too .. nice, as if the anxiety was not enough?!

Don't know where I'm going to hide of I need to tomorrow??

For .. FS!

EDITED at 10am: Had a few mornings being OK finally and now this happens?! I do not know if it was the intense flu virus I had that amplified it? I had not done anything the day or night before.

It has calmed down now as has the intensity of the flu symptoms.

I cannot keep doing this! I have now had three lots of flu like viruses since I got here and that is more than I have had in the last 6 years plus combined.

A social worker friend previously said it is because I am around children that bring viruses home from school but .. this is ridiculous.

I felt like if the anxiety was not going to kill me the intense flu symptoms would and there was a long period where I would have welcomed death with open arms.

Now .. I just recalled there was like a family .. get together yesterday .. minus me and a few family members I have not seen in well over twenty years. I was always popular with them and my ex is with someone that many do not like. One of his own step-sons included.

A fat layabout drunk .. is what he is normally referred to me as. Some remarks were made by a sister and a mother about me being around and that she should .. expel the drunk and get back together with me.

That .. terrified me in all honesty.

A lot has been said and a lot has been one over the years and well .. as well as not being entirely honest, see the old posts on here, she is both not my type any longer and .. I am not even sure I have one.

I have been on my own for like 14 years or more and it turns out that has something to do with Fibromyalgia too?!

So I do not know if that was playing on my mind during the night that set off the anxiety? It just woke me up and was off like a damned rocket and I wanted to take a knife and plunge it into my chest.

That sort of physical pain I can deal with.

It really, really peeves me off this anxiety as it makes no damned sense to all. How can it just affect you like that?

After a few days of things being easier my chest also had some signs of the heart palpitations and possibly irregular beats. That may have something to do with it?

Or maybe that I have had so many instances of extreme stress that it has, had an effect on my heart ad caused these things?

Good God, I hope they get sorted out before very long?

I have some testing to be done just after Boxing Day.

Oh and I discovered little Miss Autism, the difficult and older one, was for the second time in as many weeks first filling the bath up, last time water came through the ceiling. Then after being stopped she was bailing water out of the toilet and this was only noticed when I wondered why I could hear a splashing sound coming from the kitchen downstairs? Water was once again pouring through fro the bathroom upstairs.

It is purely mental ..

Also the remote to the main TV has packed up and even dismantling it and cleaning it has had no positive effect. It has been doused in a mug of juice since I have been here and apparently been through the washing machine previously. It did work for about a week but has now died. I am amazed it has lasted this long. She will let them mess about with stuff and you the think it is just a matter of time.

An iPod purchased has been doused in water twice and has since died. They just do not get things when they should at their ages. Another 3 or 4 year old would have taken notice when you told them that water would break their device.

Worse still is that when something does not work she thinks it does and whatever it is she wants that we do not have when you tell her it does not work or we do not have any she demands that we show her?! How do you show a child that something is not there or is broken?

So I have ordered a remote but have been trying to find the model number of this smart TV and have been unsuccessful. I might need the model ti gt the new remote working with this TV?

It was summer when I was first told that one of my grandchildren was Autistic and when I came down here I was in shorts and a vest.

It is now well into winter and there has been nothing in the way of help thus far.

The one thing in all this is that my daughter has always reacted that these things and a proper diagnosis takes time, despite two or three tests thus far proving positive for Autism.

Her mother then asked why things were taking time and why she had not rung them for help and when it was explained that things take time her mother said "Well, it never used to!" My daughter answered "That is what Dad said!"

So the combination of all of the health issues and disabilities involved with four out of six of us and the other scares we have to deal with along with the inordinate and extremely unfair and cruel WAIT .. it is killing us.

In the meantime our symptoms are trying to kill us, destroy every item in the house or even bring the bloody ceiling down in the kitchen!!

My memory is still forgetting to do things.

At least my head and sinuses are not in s much pain and the anxiety has dropped off a little .. still .. left me feeling like shit though.

THE STARK REALITIES

I have been dogged all night from the anxiety attack from yesterday evening.

It's come to the point whereby it's obvious that the 80mg of Propranolol is not going to cut it.

I'm panicking about whether or not I will be able to handle lying still in an MRI machine and just going that when the time comes I'll be somewhat calmer. That being out the house will reduce the symptoms?

I'm also wondering whether or not I should take a second dose or at least take a dose with me?

Oh Jesus how I can't get over how I feel like this yet again.

While I was looking up to see the dosages for Propranolol I came across a link about Fibromyalgia and suicides and it seems to be a thing? Only it also appears there has been a reluctance to do any research or even just a statistical analysis of this?!

I find this absolutely incredible and highly suspicious. Oh so now we are going to ignore things that take people's lives and destroy entire families to save money?!

Here is an excerpt ...

How many lives have to be taken?  How many families destroyed before the necessary attention is paid to this life-changing condition?

http://www.fmauk.org/latest-news-mainmenu-2/press-releases-mainmenu-37/935-elevated-suicide-risk-in-people-with-fibromyalgia

This is on the Fibromyalgia Association UK website of which I attended a single support group with and then kept forgetting to attend them for a year afterwards.

Yeah among many other things the short term memory issues, known as Fibrofog, really are a bitch.

However bad these memory blanks are in afraid they are a few steps down from the anxiety attacks. As well as the heel and foot pains, if your affected in your feet that is.

Oh crap. Every now and then all I think is 'ohhh crap!' Why the hell does the human body do this to itself?! It literally makes no bloody sense. It's a self punishment that can't be controlled and of which there is no 'off' switch for.

I was a little surprised to find that FMA UK page mentioning Fibromyalgia sufferers and suicides but I shouldn't be surprised at all really. Oh crap.

Just felt like this weird wave like feeling of anxiety wash through my head.

Oh and now I'm wondering that if there is something to be found in the MRI of my head, say a tumour for instance, whether this could be combining with the Fibromyalgia anxiety to magnify things?

That might explain how the anxiety was so strong that I lost the feeling to my legs that time?

Oh crap. I hope the loss of feeling to my legs does not happen on any of the days I need to go to hospital. Like bloody today!!

I'm going to either have to see if their is an Urgent Care Centre at the hospital still and go there, if I feel like this while there. Or in going to have to make an urgent appointment with my GP .. again.

THE ILL & THE DREAD

Oh I do not like the feelings I have this morning.

It is not nice at all and very, very weird. I feel a bit ill and I feel a bit of anxiety and it is the strongest feeling of anxiety since I started taking those Propranalol beta-blocker pills.

That is not encouraging.

At the same time I am having real difficulties doing my usual things just as I feared I would when I was basically hoodwinked and conned into looking after someone's pets. Before they went away I was visited two days before departure and was asked to put the kettle on and I answered “Sorry, I have forgotten to get milk for three days”. Well they left on Saturday and that was two more days and it is now Tuesday and that is another three more days and guess what? I do not have any milk still.

That is how it can be.

On every other day I am not at the house I keep panicking I have forgotten something at the house.

The first day I had to get out my second bike and I forgot it was likely it had a puncture. Why did I use my second beaten up bike and not my shiny newer bike? Because I knew I would not be able to do the jobs I was hoodwinked into doing without it. He went away a few months ago for a week and I did exactly the same thing then, went there every other day and it nearly killed me. Despite the fact he lives fairly close to me. About half a mile I would say. Ten minute or so walk … hard to judge because I do not walk reasonable well and always limp. Walking, or rather limping, on consecutive days is normally bad news for me. I have been lazy as I have not used my bike much this year partly because despite being at either ends of the house they are both a pain in the arse to get out due to my house. Partly because the weather has been utterly terrible.

So I got the bike out on the first day they were away and I changed the inner-tube. I cycled to a different friend and chatted for a few hours before going around the house to feed and water the other pets. He has a son that is a bit .. of a problem and not really with the rest of us when it comes to common sense. What he used to do was drive me nuts to get into the house when I did this several years back. One of the reasons I fell out with him for several years was him expecting me to do all this crap for him, the friend that is. I remember that before my friend had even reached Crete I was getting phone-calls about getting in the house.

This son is a problem, he flies up and down the stairs and in and out the house letting doors slam or not closing them properly. It is like he literally has a one track mind. It was really weird to witness. My friend was always going on about him and at first I thought he was being over dramatic, but no. He would often leave the house and leave the door wide open, and I mean leave the house … go off to a mate's house for hours. He used to smoke Cannabis a lot and my friend thought it was all down to that and Cannabis destroys your brain, as some would love to like us believe to suit there needs. I pointed out that it was not this and that his son probably needed to talk to someone and be investigated. Putting it as politely as I could.

This kid also thinks he is going to be a big rap star. He is well into his twenties.

He also now actually has a girlfriend and even a child with her and they live elsewhere but for some reason there are a couple of important things of his left in his old bedroom.

So on the Saturday morning before my friend has reached Crete and I am changing the inner-tube on my bike the phone rings. I miss it and then I get a text from an unknown number and it simply says 'Are you going to my Dad's house today?' Yeah like that is supposed to explain who it is but luckily I know this kid all too well and realised it was him.

I told him not until 4pm.

A little while later I get another phone-call fro the boyfriend of my friend's daughter who are going there on the days I am not. O yeah, I forgot about that. When I was saying 'no' to looking after his animals he told me he had made it easier for me as he has his daughter and her boyfriend going there one day so that I only have to go there every other day. I was a bit annoyed with this and said “How is that supposed to help me? I am still coming here every other day which was what I was doing when you went away last time that I could not handle it!” Of course just like of old when he wanted things his way I never got an answer. S the boyfriend called me and said “Have you heard from [the son] about getting in the house?” I ten told him that I had before he went on to say that he had asked his sister for the keys and when she told him no he got frustrated with her and upset her.

The girl has her own problems and upsetting her is not a good idea.

So two of us have been put into a situation that is not good for the heath of either of us, lol.

I told this guy that we were going to get a lot of this.

I got to the house at 4.15pm after speaking to a mutual friend about it. I had been asked why I had agreed to this by several people and how wrong it was to put me in this position. How was I expected to refuse him entry or get him out when I let him in?

Oh. I am guessing that you have worked out that for years the son was not allowed a key to the house while my friend was on holiday? For the obvious reasons.

So the boy knows, is told each time his Dad goes away why he is not allowed a key, told he is not getting in the house and told to not drive people nuts about getting in the house. But always does drive people nuts.

I told this chap on the phone that I remember him on the phone to me the very same day that our friend went away on holiday four years ago the very last time I did this.

We are still on Saturday here, lol. The first day, lol.

Anyway when I finally got to the house around 4.15pm there was no son waiting outside. Well, I thought, it could not have been that important. Around 4.45pm the house phone rang three times which was unusual. I thought 'I bet it is him?' Then my mobile started ringing, yup it was him. It is now 5pm I told him I would be there at 4pm, he is half a dozen miles away with no car and now wants to come to the house. The house he does not live in any longer. I said … 'fine, I will be here' and ended up watching a documentary on volcanos. Some forty minutes later he then phones me, says he has stuff happening there and cannot come. Perhaps a girlfriend who is asking him why he is about to pay for a taxi to get home to do some rapping to two sings then come home again?

You think I am joking? I did say he has always thought he was going to be a big rap star, lol.

He once had an argument over not finding a job because he as going to be a big rap star and would not have believed this myself had I not been there to actually ear it myself!

Eventually I leave the house on my beaten up bike I got out and changed the inner-tube on so that I could lock it up at Sainsburys on the way home without worrying about it being nicked. Only … as I was cycling away from the house I thought … 'why does the front of my bike feel spongey?' and looked down to see I had a tyre with very little air in it and I had the wrong air pump to the wrong bike.

Straight home and no Sainsburys and no milk and other bits I needed.

Now it is Tuesday and I still have not go milk and last night I came home too buggered and I also realised I had hardly eaten anything. If you can count two cans of Monster,, oooh yeah I am feeling thirsty all the time, and four Twirls. Oh and a packet of McCoy's Salt & Vinegar Crisps. That was is all day. No food in the house and has not been for a week.

That was yesterday … Monday and only my second visit to the house to look after the pets.

How long is he away for? Only 5.5 Weeks. Yes that is five point five weeks!

So today I ave this feeling of illness mixed with anxiety, as I started of saying.

Only my life could be like this.

But then I never thought I would be here this year.

And yes that appointment in a couple of weeks because of the blackouts, seizure I had, hearing dropping off by around 30% (ears popping) and a couple of others that point towards a brain tumour? I said to someone it would be just soo typical of me that I will have all this shit to deal with after just being told something potentially traumatic.

Lol.

He does not return until three weeks after my appointment, though I am not likely to be told at the time I do not think. Unless they feel on the day after inspecting me and talking to me that I need a scan tat very same day?

I have not even told my mother yet who has just found out a friend of hers of many years as terminal cancer. A mother to some childhood friends of mine.

But hey, according to the DWP everyone is sitting around with nothing going on and can be fucked about unfairly and having their money cancelled unfairly.

Oh and I have meetings with Citizen's Advice an appointment for a colonoscopy I am still waiting for and of course a visit to the local council and a bloody form to fill in .. and documents to hand over and anything else that crops up over the next five weeks.

Plus my normal fatigue getting far worse and let us pray I do not lose the use of my legs again!

It is annoying at times because you feel as if either people do not believe your Fibromyalgia, do not realise what having Fibromyalgia is like or simply just do not care and are selfish? I just do not know.

The ill and the dread is all I seem destined to have.