THE WRONG FEELINGS

Just to keep a note of the date and the symptoms ..

Bloody bad flu .. again but really intense .. sinuses in pain, intense headache and  worst of all ..

Anxiety so strong it feels like I'm having a damn heart attack that woke me up ninety minutes ago!

Finally found diazepam and taken one of those while smoking .. and a Propranolol.

No idea what brought this on .. trying to remember to get things done and get to Doctors is making me feel worse for some bizarre reason?!

Thought of calling ambulance bit don't want to do that. Going to walk in centre? Too ill to drive!

It's like my body sets of the wrong feelings at times.

My God .. I wish I would just die and be bloody done with it?! How can the human body torture itself this bloody much and still be alive?! I just don't get it .. ooh pounding on my head too .. nice, as if the anxiety was not enough?!

Don't know where I'm going to hide of I need to tomorrow??

For .. FS!

EDITED at 10am: Had a few mornings being OK finally and now this happens?! I do not know if it was the intense flu virus I had that amplified it? I had not done anything the day or night before.

It has calmed down now as has the intensity of the flu symptoms.

I cannot keep doing this! I have now had three lots of flu like viruses since I got here and that is more than I have had in the last 6 years plus combined.

A social worker friend previously said it is because I am around children that bring viruses home from school but .. this is ridiculous.

I felt like if the anxiety was not going to kill me the intense flu symptoms would and there was a long period where I would have welcomed death with open arms.

Now .. I just recalled there was like a family .. get together yesterday .. minus me and a few family members I have not seen in well over twenty years. I was always popular with them and my ex is with someone that many do not like. One of his own step-sons included.

A fat layabout drunk .. is what he is normally referred to me as. Some remarks were made by a sister and a mother about me being around and that she should .. expel the drunk and get back together with me.

That .. terrified me in all honesty.

A lot has been said and a lot has been one over the years and well .. as well as not being entirely honest, see the old posts on here, she is both not my type any longer and .. I am not even sure I have one.

I have been on my own for like 14 years or more and it turns out that has something to do with Fibromyalgia too?!

So I do not know if that was playing on my mind during the night that set off the anxiety? It just woke me up and was off like a damned rocket and I wanted to take a knife and plunge it into my chest.

That sort of physical pain I can deal with.

It really, really peeves me off this anxiety as it makes no damned sense to all. How can it just affect you like that?

After a few days of things being easier my chest also had some signs of the heart palpitations and possibly irregular beats. That may have something to do with it?

Or maybe that I have had so many instances of extreme stress that it has, had an effect on my heart ad caused these things?

Good God, I hope they get sorted out before very long?

I have some testing to be done just after Boxing Day.

Oh and I discovered little Miss Autism, the difficult and older one, was for the second time in as many weeks first filling the bath up, last time water came through the ceiling. Then after being stopped she was bailing water out of the toilet and this was only noticed when I wondered why I could hear a splashing sound coming from the kitchen downstairs? Water was once again pouring through fro the bathroom upstairs.

It is purely mental ..

Also the remote to the main TV has packed up and even dismantling it and cleaning it has had no positive effect. It has been doused in a mug of juice since I have been here and apparently been through the washing machine previously. It did work for about a week but has now died. I am amazed it has lasted this long. She will let them mess about with stuff and you the think it is just a matter of time.

An iPod purchased has been doused in water twice and has since died. They just do not get things when they should at their ages. Another 3 or 4 year old would have taken notice when you told them that water would break their device.

Worse still is that when something does not work she thinks it does and whatever it is she wants that we do not have when you tell her it does not work or we do not have any she demands that we show her?! How do you show a child that something is not there or is broken?

So I have ordered a remote but have been trying to find the model number of this smart TV and have been unsuccessful. I might need the model ti gt the new remote working with this TV?

It was summer when I was first told that one of my grandchildren was Autistic and when I came down here I was in shorts and a vest.

It is now well into winter and there has been nothing in the way of help thus far.

The one thing in all this is that my daughter has always reacted that these things and a proper diagnosis takes time, despite two or three tests thus far proving positive for Autism.

Her mother then asked why things were taking time and why she had not rung them for help and when it was explained that things take time her mother said "Well, it never used to!" My daughter answered "That is what Dad said!"

So the combination of all of the health issues and disabilities involved with four out of six of us and the other scares we have to deal with along with the inordinate and extremely unfair and cruel WAIT .. it is killing us.

In the meantime our symptoms are trying to kill us, destroy every item in the house or even bring the bloody ceiling down in the kitchen!!

My memory is still forgetting to do things.

At least my head and sinuses are not in s much pain and the anxiety has dropped off a little .. still .. left me feeling like shit though.