THE GREEN FIRE

I have got up feeling quite rough.

Now I thought I was going to be OK but .. no.

I have woken up with e very sore throat and a cough that began last night as just a minor .. annoying cough. I really thought that the way that I had bee hit that I might feel OK today? But .. no.

It is not having a good effect on my anxiety either and I have been coughing up green and yellow crap all morning.

My head is feeling light too and I am a little nauseous.

I simply cannot believe how this keeps on happening lately and I have so much to do! It simply does not bear thinking about and a knife to the chest seems attractive right now.

When I received my inheritance, half of which was stolen from me, I thought that was it and I would never be in this situation ever again and with these feelings.

But, of course, the government had other ideas. Only they did not tell me this. In fact it was quite the opposite ..they encourage me to invest in starting my own business .. encouraged everyone to start there own business without borrowing any money, which was frankly beyond ridiculous as well as unrealistic. Weekly meetings with advisors and another biweekly meeting with a Jobcoach, after previously being kicked off both Incapacity Benefit and Personal Independent Payments (disability) for which many Doctors have stated they should not have done anyway.

That reminds me .. I need to email Frank Field MP as well as the Work & Pensions Select Committee to see if they want me to forward them the emails I had regarding the NEA, JC and staring my business?

I have now done that!

I included a large breakdown of the major points and I even pointed out to Frank Field MP that my solicitor, Pauline Hunter from Mary Ward Legal waxed lyrical about him for twenty minutes once she got over the shock of him now being my MP.

I also pointed out that I have emails regarding the Job Centre and the NEA scheme which are all still sitting on my system that I can forward to either the Work & Pensions Select Committee or Frank Field MP or both.

I have also pointed out something that I only noticed recently .. yesterday or the day before, and that my blogs have been missing their .. ADVERTS!

Now this is funny and also a perfect example of how things can just go wrong because I was expecting my first ever payment from this about a year ago. But it never came.

Then all this happened ..

• PIP and IB cancelled (2016)
• Plans to go from JSA to WTC and NEA cancelled five days after going self-employed (2017)
• ESA refused (2016)
• Several Doctors, one A&E state that the DWP should not touch me with my medical records
• Farcical Atos assessment (2016 or 2017)
• Get talked into going on NEA by JSA when I hear of my inheritance coming
• Have half my inheritance stolen by a family member Probate Court does NOT investigate
• Spend well over £20,000 of my £32,000 inheritance on photography equipment and a car .. NEEDED FOR ALL MANNER OF THINGS .. my disability, relocating, photography, blogging, daughter, grandchildren etc (2017)
• That while in and out of hospital over self-harming, anxiety attacks and chest pain (2016 through 2017)
• Daughter victim of domestic violence (2017)
• Sparking up historical court case (taking place January 2018 Liverpool Crown Court)
• Job Centre pull rug from under me with NEA & WTC five days after going self-employed
• Get told one grandchild autistic .. major problems (2017)
• I offer to move to Wirral from London to help .. (2017)
• Expect help to not be forthcoming for grandchildren from authorities (2017)
• Expect to continue my blogging and photography business while here (2017)
• Discover my daughter has my disability while here .. been stumping her Doctors for months if not years
• Get told youngest granddaughter is Autistic, now two of four,  and worse then her older sister, already a major problem, showing signs of violence, aggression and several meltdowns each day
• Discover that for some bizarre reason the authorities are SLOW today when it comes to diagnosing or helping with Autistic children
• Pay another £2,200 for 6 months rent in advance
• Find out that Universal Credit is only paying me half the money, rent only .. no explanation
• Previous heart and chest issues of pain, palpitations and now irregular heart beating increases in frequency from once or twice a month to once or twice a day with a few days here ad there were everything is calm
• Find out the £3,000 final payment I thought I would get is only £800
• Discover my daughter has no less than three cancer scares and it does not look good
• Finally see a Doctor after an inordinate wait but sent to cardiologist and give diazepam to go with the other 6 drugs I have to take
• Contract three lots of flu-like viruses while here, first lasting five weeks, have one right now
• Anxiety through the roof
• Praying that Pauline Hunter of Mary Ward is successful in reinstating PIP .. not hopeful on this
• Discover that my adverts on my blog have been missing which explains why I did not get my very first payment about a year back when I expected .. Google being typically aloof and evil have not answered to requests as to why this is
• My daughter and myself or both worn down and our nerves are frayed t the very edges

Currently having difficulty getting back to flat a .. (OOPS WENT OUT)

That is the vastly broken down version of things to occur that I sent to Frank Field MP and the Work and Pensions Select Committee.

I omitted a few other things that happened in 2016 .. just wanted to concentrate, at least here, on just the events of 2017.

The idea being that there is no one that could stop and ask themselves just how many things any normal person can have happen in the course of a year! I mean you would have to be bloody naïve to not see how that is a major set of events to take place?!

But the government decided to shaft me anyway, still are and are doing it to the two generations below me too!

My daughter is till trying to get told of her diagnosis by phone because she forgot to attend appointment .. she has my memory issues and like I have said it can affect you regardless of the importance or severity of the thing you are forgetting.

She has now been told she needs to phone the hospital .. she has since done that and they now want her in tomorrow, I believe she said? She has gone out, my memory is foggy and I obviously cannot confirm this with her right now.

This is just one of two biopsies taken fro different parts of the body .. but in places that would ut the fear of god into most women and that does not include a third one I expect them to take a biopsy of that lies slap-bang between the other two?!

I really, really do not know what I am going to do it this turns out to be anything .. I really, really do not and if I said I was scared as hell over just that alone it would be an understatement.

I am 48 with some health conditions that bugger me up as it is and seem to be getting worse all the time.

If anything was to happen to my daughter it would just be me .. two autistic children showing violent tendencies and having meltdowns through lack of help and support .. one needy-boy that screams the place down when not getting Haribos, Chocolate, Juice more and more food or not going to bed and that is when he is not winding up the other three.

If I am not killed over the potentially fatal news I am going to be killed by three children while attempting to care for them because there is no one else!

Jesus Christ .. how did life get this bad?

I have eve wondered whether or not .. if the worst was to happen .. and the authorities here were just crap and not helpful whether I would just return to London with them? Well not London exactly, no one in their right mind would want to live there today .. but one of the home counties? At least there I would have my own family members .. though with their own difficulties with the way the country is not sure if they could be much help beyond merely moral support?

Yesterday .. Sunday .. older with Autism .. several meltdowns before midday. Not enough milk in her cereals, despite being plenty. Bail water out of toilet before anyone is awake, water pouring through ceiling and into kitchen. Had already filled up the bath and been told-off. Empties second loaf of bread out that day leaving it all to go hard. Empties second tub of butter out everywhere. I go into the kitchen point to find her on a chair pouring last of the milk into half a jar of Black-current jam. That was one out of four children .. we are told she will get worse and I am seeing it. She meltdowns because she wants to sleep in mother's bed every single night, because she knows she can keep coming downstairs and she does .. a dozen times a night up until 11pm or later. Nearly took her little sister's head off a few times. Kicks, punches and bites .. does not share and we have four children!

Were told the younger one will be worse and already she does not speak more than three words and only singly.

Oh .. and my daughter just came back .. asked if we could go and pick up the older of the two with autism from pre-school, I believe it is, and hit me with a curve-ball ..

She was supposed to see her current landlord and hand in her notice to leave the property because another one has been offered to her by someone called Riverside a few weeks back. It is not exactly suitable but more suitable than the current one.

She decided to not hand in her notice! Therefore not move and remain in an unsuitable property.

Oddly this is down to the Fibromyalgia .. you get too quick to do stuff, get things at a moments notice and agree to them or even buy them and later you regret it.

I have spent many years learning not to do this but I till do form time to time and it is most annoying. But I have got this down to a minimum now and even now there are a lot of things I could do but I don't. Because the situation and the money s too precarious.

But I see a lot of wastage here with the children .. the food bill makes my mind boggle and this includes buying from the cheapest stores, like Lidl, Home & Bargain, B&M and Asda.

The reason for the change of heart it not wanting to have to take the children to school on a bus.

Here is a reason why and another one for today ..

We left the house to go and pick up the second youngest and the youngest one started to scream her head off the moment we got into my car. This continued and got louder all the way to the school .. then continued while I waited for her mother to return with the other daughter .. who has already helped herself to things in the kitchen without asking. Her screams were accompanied by a tantrum where she was kicking the hell out of the back of my car seat, so I was feeling repeated kicking into the small of my back.

Now imagine two of them doing that on a bus with another demanding Haribos and juice and crying his head off? The oldest will not want to be seen within a hundred miles of that fiasco and is at his wits end at times and is only ten.

I simply cannot imagine what things will be like a year from now?!

I have already walked about the back yard upon our return wondering if I should just return to London in the new year?!

My hearing is dull and I did not even want to drive because of that .. along with the coughing fits or deep coughs I have been experiencing since waking this morning.

Oh and she has to call the hospital tomorrow.

I did think that rushing for that home that become available was a bit too .. well, rushed. I wanted to tell her to slow down and think about it, after all it was a 3 bedroom property so the same as she was in already. She does not seem to think that the authorities will provide her with a 5 bedroom property which is what she will need if these children are to not suffer.

Like I have said over and over and over again .. it is an impossible and mind-boggling situation and no one at all appears to be helping in any way, while the dragging of feet and the refusal of help by all the authorities just appears to be accepted.

Maybe all those meetings that are supposed to be about these 'at-risk children have worn her down until there is nothing left?

The annoying part of all this is that if she still had the car I bought her or had been provided with a car because she has three disabilities in a family of five she would not have changed her mind about moving.

But then the positive side of me is trying to tell myself that this might work out for the best? Maybe she will get the help and support that has been held back for reasons unknown and be in a better position when the next property comes along? Maybe it might even be a more suitable property?

Maybe she is disappointed that the crowd-funding I set up for her has not worked?

It is both difficult to know and .. awkward to broach certain .. subjects with her.

Sometimes I think I am helping being here, before long I will look after two children while she then goes and picks up a third. It is difficult to get back to my own flat when I am expected to .. look after children at certain times.

My best chances are the weekend but have spent two weekends now feeling as sick as a parrot, this time with flu-like symptoms and anxiety after someone got me to drink too much on a Friday night and last week .. bad anxiety that lasted all of Saturday.

I end up thinking .. 'Oh I can do that Monday' but it never occurs .. or at any other day of week either.

I have even had a friend ask me why I am here so much and I simply answer that I .. think it is because I am taking some pressure of her. Not having to drag two autistic children all the way to nursey and pre-school and back before dragging them all out again at 3pm to get a third child?

I keep thinking of those families where a mother is found dead .. or a family where the mother take the lives of themselves and their children and think that if there are situations like this in the country then I am beginning to understand why.

It is like some master plan to kill off a percentage of the population the government or their puppeteers deem unworthy, which oddly comes down to how much money you have or who you are?!

The country is in a far, far worse place than the mainstream news media re letting on and even I imagined it would get to.