THAT CHRISTMAS

That's what it will always be known to me as .. 'That Christmas'!

That's if I survive long enough to be able to reminisce that is.

Woke up and it's only Christmas Eve and I woke up with anxiety. My daughter was asleep on the other sofa but she said something strange when she woke up.

"You was having a fit when I woke up earlier" and I was confused and said "Eh?"

I was told I was shaking. Something to tell the hospital I guess. Whether it's connected to anything to do with my heart or chest I don't know. There is also the fact that I have been waking up almost every morning with anxiety and I wonder if it's connected to that but separate from the heart or indeed maybe connected in a different way?

As I said .. something very bizarre obviously goes on while in asleep because I wake up with anxiety before my conscious brain had even had a chance to process any worries or concerns.

Christ, in feeling it before I even realise I'm still 250 miles away from home!

It's just there.

Whenever I'm affected by it is always just there first thing in the morning.

But Fibromyalgia is the lack of a certain type of sleep .. a deep sleep where everything gets sorted, repaired and memories cleared out.

So maybe the brain is still going through the worries and so it reaches a tipping point after a certain amount of time?

Oddly my sister informed me not long ago that she gets something similar when she is stressed about something.

With me though it's always strong or over the top ridiculous.

There are always three things you absolutely pray for .. if you know your stuff ..

Sodium oxybate which is the only thing to deal with not just the anxiety but everything else to do with Fibromyalgia. This may also be the case with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome? Had that theory for a while now.

The second thing you pray for is to be given a drug that actually works on the anxiety. Nothing much has and presently Diazepam is used but has not been enough on occasions.

The third thing you pray for is death.

Yeah it can actually be that bad that you just want someone or something to flick the switch and turn it all off.

There are other things that can stop it.

The situation and sudden loss of finances while trying, or was planning to, work my backside off, started the situation off.

Now this has three chances of altering .. sorry, no four. But they are all up in the air right now and not looking to appear to be working just yet.

But I'd hoped that the developments would be enough to calm things down. The trouble is they do but it only ever seems to work for somewhere between a couple of hours to around a day or two.

I think the issues here is that the worry that they will not work out starts to creep back into your mind. This is subconsciously and nothing you can do about it.

It's become clear to me over the years that the interior of the brain is a very delicate and potentially hazardous and painful playground.

The brain is the nerve centre of everything and is where pain is processed.

When people first started to realise that there wasn't anything wrong with the feet or other parts I experience pain they would have the attitude "Oh well there's nothing wrong then?!" Where I would then point out that the was and that when their for hurts is the brain they processes it. If it's doing this wrong then it doesn't matter if your foot or feet actually have anything wrong or not .. the end result is exactly the same. The pain is the same.

At first they would look confused until I explained .. slowly that they might rub their foot in pain but the signals are received in your head. If your brain is receiving the signals then it's receiving the signals whether these are correct signals or false signals.

It's like the opposite of those stories you hear about people who are drunk and walk home with a broken limb without realising it. Those signals were not being received our dumbed-down because of the alcohol.

In fact I've wondered often if alcoholics are people that had conditions that were not correctly diagnosed or sorted by the NHS? It would be bloody typical of their attitude of this turned out to be the case years later.

I've thought about different drugs to stop feeling like I do. Mostly I always tell myself to hold out before trying drugs or thinking about suicide.

But there is only so long you can last. There is only so long anyone can put up with this. No one is impervious.

I'm low or out of diazepam and am tempted to look .. memory issues see? Can never remember what I've got of anything. There aren't many, that's for sure. Some pills I'm missing completely though there may be some at my flat I've not been able to get back to? I'll try to do that.

But in three days I have a hospital appointment for some tests and I have to be sure not to take any diazepam that day. I actually need my chest issues to play up .. which they should. They do most days. Well .. since I've been here they have. Well .. since I realised I was going to be missing around £3,000 to £5,000 in money I was expecting. I really do wish I'd known that one! Or hadn't had £35,000 stolen from me because I wouldn't have ended up feeling like this.

One of my family has been told to report the inheritance theft to the Police and maybe they will and maybe something will be done about it?

But it's a shot in the dark and not about to happen anytime soon. I don't expect anything to come from it, if I did I wouldn't feel like I do.

Same applies to my PIP being reinstated though that would be quicker it's still a month or two away.

So you still need something in the interim and a plan in case it doesn't work out.

Then there's the carer idea which was why I came here.

It was obvious that my daughter had some of my Fibromyalgia symptoms and they just kept on coming. The feet being affected is one of the few that she doesn't have.

She got home with a panic attack just two days ago.

Now she spent last night talking to a nice lady that lives next door. She had been through she pretty horrid things, used to be a teacher and had a little girl in a bad way. She also seems a little different from the norm around here. Polite, reserved and well spoken.

I was told last night and still need to ask what was said but she went mad when she heard about the situation.

Now in not sure how she is going to do it, what with her own issues and vulnerable child, but she said that she was going to go down to the .. well, council I presume and get them to sort out this bare house for her and help her move home.

It's been a secret panic of mine but I've not mentioned it to anyone.

I also don't really have anyone to talk to, visit our even anywhere I can escape to, to take my mind off things. The flat doesn't work because I'm alone with my new found fears.

The three cancer scared, the Fibromyalgia, two cases of Autism from four, puberty and a house nowhere near suitable.

Then there are my heart issues and my blood pressure issues which are running riot lately.

My father died at 56 and it's clear now that it was blood pressure related. A burst aneurysm and the blood pressure made worse by a certain large TV corporation setting him up to be something he wasn't. They knew it too.

But my symptoms are far beyond that of my father's prior to his death. My grandmother died of the same Fibromyalgia related thing and oddly her symptoms were similar to what I'm having now and have had for months.

There was one thing they had in common just prior to their deaths .. their legs, or more specifically lower legs bloating. A water retention type thing.

Every now and then I glance at my legs or had expect my trousers to feel unusually tight. If I do I won't have long, that much I can tell you.

My grandmother was supposed to die of heart failure and my father's aneurysm was near his heart and burst.

I've got my grandmother's leg issues and both their chest issues.

Plus I have a shed load of things that they didn't have .. at least I think?

So this is only Christmas Eve .. a bunch of stuff was opened and the room was a mess with trodden in biscuits, because they cannot take them out one at a time. Well some of them don't. Another one asked me to open another tin of biscuits four times and had already had a load of them given to him by his other. I guess he thought no one would notice that he had eaten most of them if he split the requests of tin opening among the two adults.

God knows what tomorrow is going to be like?

I normally use the cupboard under the stairs, not not in a Harry Potter like fashion .. to access things like my pills. But my daughter has not liked it being opened as it has been filled with Christmas presents. So I tend to wait until late and then I forget things. Especially at weekends and holidays when the kids are allowed to to stay up much later.

At the new house I might have a box room to use for as long as I am around anyway?

Along with the anxiety and worries I am praying I do not have a repeat of yesterday which was .. bloody horrendous. I have been worried about incidents like that since I have been here but though I had a couple .. yesterday was .. bad.

At least the new place .. of we ever manage to get in there .. somehow .. there will be two toilets so I do not have to worry if I have to die slowly in a toilet for several hours. Well .. other than .. dying in a toilet for several hours in pain.

Friends came over for half an hour .. turned out to be a couple of hours and a few drinks. Too many .. or rather the wrong drink for my daughter who had a strange chest pain and numbness down her arm who then disappeared as she went and laid down on the bathroom floor for ten minutes .. after taking an anti-histamine tablet. I thought they were just for hay-fever but then the hospital recently sent a letter prescribing them .. now I need to look them up. Told they are good for heart and chest problems .. be bloody great if they work.

I have told visitors here many, many times that people simply do not get it and therefore neither do the readers .. so do not get told by me .. how about a quote?

However, there is evidence that chronic pain and illness put patients at risk for suicide. An illness like fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome, which is often doubted or neglected by the medical community, the public, and sometimes family and friends, can present unique problems. Patients with FM/CFS can become victims of isolation and despair.

-http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/killing-me-softly-fmcfs-suicide

I also stated previously that I have believed for a long time now that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia Syndrome and Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome are linked and may well be the very same thing but at different levels?

How about a link mentioning all three?

http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/killing-me-softly-fmcfs-suicide

One of these days many people are going to realise that I get things right a great deal and as near as damn it the rest of the time.

Due to the fact that antihistamines also can play a part in anxiety control I have come across some websites to do with .. anxiety and found some .. things .. organisations and I m going to try and contact some because this needs .. sorting!