THE DREAMS OF THE ENDS

There are various ends.

And there are various dreams of those ends.

These ends might not be what you may well be picturing in your heads right now, or maybe they are depending on how you searched to get to this page.

I have spoken many times about my disability of Fibromyalgia and the number of symptoms it causes. Man of these are unbearable and others potentially dangerous. New ones have appeared that I believe to be dangerous and have had me ask about having my feet amputated and replaced with mechanical ones.

Others make we want to die. Purely because they are both unbearable and .. simply not dealt with or ignored. Until now but they are still not understanding of the seriousness of the situation nor the backlash should something go wrong. Even more annoyingly the one that has me longing for death can be dealt with in any one of three ways. Two involve the correct prescriptions with an understanding that my short term memory problems are .. well, problematic and actually compound the problem.

Another one of those is the fact that I have been led down a garden path .. have enough money to set myself up doing what it is I love best presently and .. had the proverbial rug pulled from beneath me leaving me with an ever shrinking amount of savings and minus four items .. one 100-400mm lens, though professionals use the more expensive f2.8 300mm lens and f4 500mm lens. The first would be enough and it is a third of the price of the 300mm and sixth of the price of the 500mm. The second is a flash, yeah I did not even manage to get that. The third is a camera drone .. for cliff faces for sea birds and tree tops for things like Purple Emperor Butterflies I have wanted to film for a number of years now. These are challenges and I like challenges and being successful then you tend to be more successful with it. I also had to build a new PC to be able to edit the very high definition RAW file photographs and 4K video. You simply cannot do it with a budget built PC. I also wanted to have a go at making cages .. out of glass and wood to sell to people wanting to grow Orchids, something I am adept at. So I needed a couple of DeWalt items, a Festool Circular Saw and a worktable.

I have a dozen blogs and the camera would help most of them while the work tools would help both my Orchid blog and my YouTube channel.

Right here and ow there is another pause on all that and one I did not expect to go on anywhere near as long as it has.

So I was led down a garden path, got all my plans and purchases accepted week after week for three months or more and then as I did them they all got cancelled. So I was encouraged to spend the money and then was told the proverbial rug had been pulled around a week after the date I went self-employed.

I was tricked and I was lied to.

A shame then that they sent me emails all the way through and that I recorded every single NEA meeting and every single Job Coach meeting.

I should not be experiencing my anxiety. But I am. The day I received an email from that Work & Pensions Select Committee I was happier. I had also received my first Universal Credit payment too so that was another worry out of the way. But there are still many others and what is primary are the results to three tests, one due any time now and a breast scan that is any day now too. Tomorrow or Friday I believe. Then there is the stomach scan which is itself developing some very odd problems and pains. Many seem to be similar to ones I have had but not entirely sure on all of them. There was a pain being felt last night.

As stated previously and due to the problems with Autism there are four children and two afflicted with the aforementioned condition.

Last night there was a conversation in this house with the other of a single child out of three that has Autism and he is violent. Even the Police have been called to the house. The boy is eight.

Some questions that has been wondered about were asked and I remember someone stating that the children get worse and in all honesty .. it is fucking hard to imagine things getting harder. The older of our two with Autism is already a bloody nightmare and they tell us the youngest o going to be worse. It simply does not bear thinking about.

We were explaining that the older one goes into a meltdown now because she wants to sleep in mum's bed every night. There is only one reason for this .. her room gets locked and this does not happen with her mum's room, therefore she knows she can come swanning down the stairs several times and she does. Every night. She demands things like TV programs, TV's in the bedroom and even when she try to briber her with going to bed in her own room, with sweets, and get those promises they are broken. Within ten minutes at times.

The other mother of an Autistic child said that they were indeed going to get worse when they get older and that her child does not even have a bed in his room because he always sleeps I his mother's bed. He refused to go to school but there was some rumour that the authorities turned up t the house and marched him to school?

I constantly ask myself how this young mother is going to cope and if anything was to happen to her, which seems likely due to the way the Doctors and hospitals are all acting nervous and have called us in six times in a few weeks and and seems no sign of ending, how the fuck will I cope?!

I ask myself that if we get through these test result OK or with some successful operative procedure will my anxiety finally go? Or will I still have these feelings of absolute dread that I do not understand?

At least I know one substance to cut out that seems to magnify what they call 'the night dreads' and turn them up to 11. But it may well go up to '11' or higher all on its own?

So when you have had this sort of thing long enough you start to picture the various endings to it all and you hope that they come. In the end you do not care.

I am one that would not like to lose my mobility and I certainly would not like to lose my independence. I get too .. hyped up and I am already having feelings of missing getting out and about amongst nature with my camera stuff .. I long for it at times.

But the seriously dwindled state of my savings has made me somewhat nervous .. I case things go wrong and .. as I am not clear yet if I am getting even the proper and normal amount of Universal Credit I am even more wary of doing anything.

I just hope that by March, at least, something has worked out because the Spring, Summer and Autumn can be very productive times for me. I can be active in the Winter too and often used to be but due to hibernation .. there was always less opportunities. Except if and when it became picturesque and maybe with .. architecture.

Each time you go through 'episodes' it seems to go on forever and you start to think it will never end but it does. Eventually. When the authorities stop coming after you with a proverbial axe and holding hands out for funds that do not exist an any universe.

In the last week or two I have created four opportunities of this latest episode coming to an end .. for most things and for both of us.

• My Patreon account to help me
• GoFundMe to help these kids and mum .. due to confusion with them ..
• JustGiving to help these kids and there mother
• Contact from Work & Pensions Select Committee to possibly help all of us

For the time being I have to keep on suffering and am still trying to get things done but what with Christmas and all the Hospitals, Doctors, supposedly moving into a bare empty house, memory issues, pain, anxiety and this damned chest/heart thing and someone else's stomach and now nausea thing, two autistic children .. one needy boy who is now copying the oldest Autistic and having a meltdown about sleeping in his mother's bed too.

I told you that needy-boy was a problem?

Mother in pain .. decides to have a bath .. need-boy, NOT Autistic, has already been screaming as loud as he can 'I DON'T .. WANT .. TO GO TO BED!' for half an hour who then makes every excuse to come out of his room, get sent back and balling his eyes out for not getting his own way. Keeping the oldest Autistic one awake and encouraging her out of her mother's room where she sreamed the place down when told she cannot sleep in their. Needy-boy, he is the one in the picture on the crowdfunding site, taken years ago and is even crying in that picture too when I knew he would be like this, is also winding up and fighting with the Autistic sister.

I heard the mother explode from the bathroom!

I could not go up and exert any authority because .. well she was in the bath! LOL.

Meltdown, meltdown, meltdown is all it is and they are even at school part to most of the day. One here now but not too bad on her own, the youngest.

They need to be separated and they absolutely need their on bedrooms .. seriously need their own bedrooms. Or things ill get far, far .. worse.

Oh but there is a new house that is more suitable. Yeah I did say MORE suitable. They still have to be paired up in bedrooms but they are bigger. One at one end and another at the other.

Yeah needy-boy with still end up winding everyone up including his brother who will go through puberty soon, meaning needy-boy gets black eyes a lot.

Yeah and the Devil's Angel will still wake up three time a night .. wake up her little sister and the two of them will have meltdowns throughout the day and that is without needy-boy who goes around winding all three others up.

I do see mistakes, sure. But it is not my place to say. There is too much stress going on and not my place anyway.

But then I am in panic mode because I think I might be suddenly thrust into this and it is all my sole responsibility?!

EDIT: The the discovery of and of course lack of being informed, despite the inordinate amount of waiting for them because they are so important and know so much, of GPs, Doctors and Specialists failing to tell me that  my now damaged eyesight, heart and blood pressure could be affected by Fibromyalgia because they refused to send me to a specialist and even when I tricked the into doing so .. only saw me once.

Didn't tell me it as behind the anxiety or that this could lead to the loss of the use of your legs on occasion?! Or that there are links to both high suicides, oh how I now get that as well as cancer and likely other things, like aneurysms which is what my father died of at 56.

Good God, man. Someone shoot me please! I would be far more humane.

Two videos of the two oldest kids from a few years back ..

Needy-boy when he started being needy some years ago ..

Oldest again ..