THE DEFEATISM

It is difficult to stay positive about anything. I know this better than most .. well most that are living at any rate.

When I set up the two crowd funding sites, long story, the person I did it for turned to me after a couple if days and said “I don't think they are going to work”.

What spurred me into doing it at the time was the change in her attitude that after thinking she would get some help form the authorities because of all their mistakes that suddenly there would be none. I had also been hearing this from others as well as being informed that the authorities do not do any of the things they used to do years before. I was confident they would do their duties as that was how it came across. But then I started to get concerned.

I am not only amazed that there has not been a serious incident to one of the children's safety in this house but amazed that this has not been picked up on by visitors. Well not the social workers or victim support.

I have also been amazed that they have not seen nor aired the issues we would face if things remained the same in this house. Instead we have heard this from others and I am afraid it begs the age old question ..

What is the point in these people and their wages, whether it be from our taxes or some naïve person's donations?

Other social workers I know, a social worker of 25 years, and a disability solicitor for Mary Ward Legal back in Camden in London along with an Internal Investigator for William Hill with a child of her own and a list of others have all been shocked at both the amount of things that have occurred with all of us as well as the lack of help.

Yesterday the young mum ws at another hospital visit which I thought was about the previous biopsy. I had been looking after two of the children, with Autism, and during that time I had been called by the aforementioned social worker I know and the disability solicitor. After hearing what they had to say ad then them hearing their shock at the latest events I told them that the young mum was in hospital. After coming off the phone there was a knock t the door and I assumed it was the young mum. I had been dreading what she had t tell me because she attended a hospital that I was told doubled up as a cancer hospital and a hospice. But it was the eldest child returning from school and that threw me.

His mother had been taken to hospital by her mother and they should have returned before the eldest child with his younger brother as they were in a car. I asked the boy about this and I said I wondered of his mother's friend was bringing the other brother home? He said that he had seen her and that she was walking along with her daughter .. but not with his younger brother. I gave it five minutes and started to worry.

After another five minutes I decided to call and it turned out she had picked up the second boy and had gone off to Asda. She also said they had to take another biopsy. “Oh OK .. another weeks wait, great!” I said in response.

I spent twenty minutes wondering how in the hell they took a biopsy previously and gotten it wrong? 'What the hell?!' I kept thinking. Also I knew that a breast scan was due any day so we would be having to wait for two results, possibly, and that did not include whatever they are goig to do about a third lump. Though there might already be some answers to some of this.

As it turned out that appointment was the breast scan .. so they had to take another biopsy from that too! The young mum of 24 had gotten the days mixed up and so had I as a result.

While she was out at this appointment I had been trying to work on things, write some blogs, look up what I hd done thus far with the crowd funding and check my Patreon account and ask myself why the mum had been so negative about it.

Because I had been negative about so much in the past and like my sister stated to me a few times “How many times has someone in our family tried to do something and it has not worked out?!” A lot is the answer to that one.

But you have to keep trying no matter what because if you do not keep trying different things then you might s well give and go home. Some do and this unfortunately ends up as suicide and this is how it has been for me. Until I win or .. give in with the ultimate of consequences I do not know what else to do. Even when it often feels like it is slowly killing me.

I long to return to London .. even for just a couple of days and even with half or most of that driving because it would give me a break. I do have thing that require me being in London because it is costing me money, like belongings in storage. I tried to hold onto too much stuff, did not know it would take me so long to get back. Did not know that nothing would come into the fact I had £35,000 inheritance stolen from me, was not informed. I did not know that the extra £4,000 payment would only be £800. I did not know that I would not get my £750 back from my previous landlord and without reason and after I turfed the front garden for them before I left. I did not know finances here were so bad. I had no idea I would spend as much as I have, even buying a car that has now gone. I did not know that the authorities would not be supporting the family as they should. I did not know she would not be getting the extra money you sued to get, despite three with disabilities and I did not know they refuse to recognise a disability until they are four years old. Oh and I did not know about the massive fuck up, or corruption, take your pick, that is the HMRC over claiming back thousands of pounds of single mothers they have no right too.

Of course I never thought about bedroom tax, the DWP tricks and lies I know about only too well and the feck up they have done to the welfare system and of course Universal Credit.

I never expected them to stab me in the back .. just prior to moving 250 miles away to a place I do not like to help a 24 year old mother with two Autistic children and two other children that they are not fecking helping either.

So yeah .. that is just the very short version of one of the biggest horror stories that is ongoing in the UK and we have absolutely no clue to the outcome.

We are unduring a living nightmare that may have the ultimate consequences and no one gives a shit.

So why would this 24 year old other of four, with two Autistic, herself with one disability they do nothing about or for and three cancer scares that have just endured months of domestic abuse and stalking from the perpetrator from a prison cell? Why not, indeed.

So I was looking around at the crowd funding sites and my blogs when I realised that the GoFundMe and JustGiving sites were either not showing, not working or I had not included them on some blogs completely?! Dumb-arse!

So last night after a day of some positives and a few negatives I decided to mess around with the layouts of the blogs I had.

I then bloody realised something else .. there was no bloody adverts showing up on my blogs .. or at least some of them. I have one were I have never been able to figure out how to put the same Adsense ads onto my WordPress blog too. Had totally forgotten about that over the years. No wonder I was still waiting for my first payment five months after expecting it.

These bloody blog hosts have a lot to answer for, Google and Blogger more than anyone! I sent them feedback ripping them a new one over it!

I could not even get the Adsense widgets to appear on the layout screen and though I did not get it right .. I did eventually manage to get advert to show up again.

My earnings had hit £46 something like a year ago but .. then nothing much happened and it has only gone up by a single pound after that and I could not figure out why this was? It simply made no sense.

Anyway I think I have partially corrected this .. demanded answers of the God-complex staff at Blogger and fixed the links to the Crowd Funding sites.

There was some talk about an ad blocker or something I remember reading about some time ago. I wondered whether I was a victim of all this fake news borllacks and wondered of the BBC had once again stuck the knife into my family?

Of course it could be someone else sticking the knife in and the numbers produced from two identical blogs hosted by different people .. simply make no sense whatsoever.

Still I think I have corrected the adverts in part at least .. fixed the links to the crowd funding sites as well as the links to my Patreon account.

Have to look up 'teams' to which they keep mentioning on one of the crowd funding sites, I think it was JustGiving as opposed to GoFundMe? Don't know how that works.

I just hope that something happens that gets rid of the negativity that I hide and this young mother shows.

Even if it only a small start .. just to show her, ahem and me too really, that there are caring people out there and they are not all amoral.

The Crowd Funding and Patreon links are on the top right, or atop the side banner .. her first as this is primary to me and mine below, lol.