THE DREAMS OF THE ENDS

There are various ends.

And there are various dreams of those ends.

These ends might not be what you may well be picturing in your heads right now, or maybe they are depending on how you searched to get to this page.

I have spoken many times about my disability of Fibromyalgia and the number of symptoms it causes. Man of these are unbearable and others potentially dangerous. New ones have appeared that I believe to be dangerous and have had me ask about having my feet amputated and replaced with mechanical ones.

Others make we want to die. Purely because they are both unbearable and .. simply not dealt with or ignored. Until now but they are still not understanding of the seriousness of the situation nor the backlash should something go wrong. Even more annoyingly the one that has me longing for death can be dealt with in any one of three ways. Two involve the correct prescriptions with an understanding that my short term memory problems are .. well, problematic and actually compound the problem.

Another one of those is the fact that I have been led down a garden path .. have enough money to set myself up doing what it is I love best presently and .. had the proverbial rug pulled from beneath me leaving me with an ever shrinking amount of savings and minus four items .. one 100-400mm lens, though professionals use the more expensive f2.8 300mm lens and f4 500mm lens. The first would be enough and it is a third of the price of the 300mm and sixth of the price of the 500mm. The second is a flash, yeah I did not even manage to get that. The third is a camera drone .. for cliff faces for sea birds and tree tops for things like Purple Emperor Butterflies I have wanted to film for a number of years now. These are challenges and I like challenges and being successful then you tend to be more successful with it. I also had to build a new PC to be able to edit the very high definition RAW file photographs and 4K video. You simply cannot do it with a budget built PC. I also wanted to have a go at making cages .. out of glass and wood to sell to people wanting to grow Orchids, something I am adept at. So I needed a couple of DeWalt items, a Festool Circular Saw and a worktable.

I have a dozen blogs and the camera would help most of them while the work tools would help both my Orchid blog and my YouTube channel.

Right here and ow there is another pause on all that and one I did not expect to go on anywhere near as long as it has.

So I was led down a garden path, got all my plans and purchases accepted week after week for three months or more and then as I did them they all got cancelled. So I was encouraged to spend the money and then was told the proverbial rug had been pulled around a week after the date I went self-employed.

I was tricked and I was lied to.

A shame then that they sent me emails all the way through and that I recorded every single NEA meeting and every single Job Coach meeting.

I should not be experiencing my anxiety. But I am. The day I received an email from that Work & Pensions Select Committee I was happier. I had also received my first Universal Credit payment too so that was another worry out of the way. But there are still many others and what is primary are the results to three tests, one due any time now and a breast scan that is any day now too. Tomorrow or Friday I believe. Then there is the stomach scan which is itself developing some very odd problems and pains. Many seem to be similar to ones I have had but not entirely sure on all of them. There was a pain being felt last night.

As stated previously and due to the problems with Autism there are four children and two afflicted with the aforementioned condition.

Last night there was a conversation in this house with the other of a single child out of three that has Autism and he is violent. Even the Police have been called to the house. The boy is eight.

Some questions that has been wondered about were asked and I remember someone stating that the children get worse and in all honesty .. it is fucking hard to imagine things getting harder. The older of our two with Autism is already a bloody nightmare and they tell us the youngest o going to be worse. It simply does not bear thinking about.

We were explaining that the older one goes into a meltdown now because she wants to sleep in mum's bed every night. There is only one reason for this .. her room gets locked and this does not happen with her mum's room, therefore she knows she can come swanning down the stairs several times and she does. Every night. She demands things like TV programs, TV's in the bedroom and even when she try to briber her with going to bed in her own room, with sweets, and get those promises they are broken. Within ten minutes at times.

The other mother of an Autistic child said that they were indeed going to get worse when they get older and that her child does not even have a bed in his room because he always sleeps I his mother's bed. He refused to go to school but there was some rumour that the authorities turned up t the house and marched him to school?

I constantly ask myself how this young mother is going to cope and if anything was to happen to her, which seems likely due to the way the Doctors and hospitals are all acting nervous and have called us in six times in a few weeks and and seems no sign of ending, how the fuck will I cope?!

I ask myself that if we get through these test result OK or with some successful operative procedure will my anxiety finally go? Or will I still have these feelings of absolute dread that I do not understand?

At least I know one substance to cut out that seems to magnify what they call 'the night dreads' and turn them up to 11. But it may well go up to '11' or higher all on its own?

So when you have had this sort of thing long enough you start to picture the various endings to it all and you hope that they come. In the end you do not care.

I am one that would not like to lose my mobility and I certainly would not like to lose my independence. I get too .. hyped up and I am already having feelings of missing getting out and about amongst nature with my camera stuff .. I long for it at times.

But the seriously dwindled state of my savings has made me somewhat nervous .. I case things go wrong and .. as I am not clear yet if I am getting even the proper and normal amount of Universal Credit I am even more wary of doing anything.

I just hope that by March, at least, something has worked out because the Spring, Summer and Autumn can be very productive times for me. I can be active in the Winter too and often used to be but due to hibernation .. there was always less opportunities. Except if and when it became picturesque and maybe with .. architecture.

Each time you go through 'episodes' it seems to go on forever and you start to think it will never end but it does. Eventually. When the authorities stop coming after you with a proverbial axe and holding hands out for funds that do not exist an any universe.

In the last week or two I have created four opportunities of this latest episode coming to an end .. for most things and for both of us.

• My Patreon account to help me
• GoFundMe to help these kids and mum .. due to confusion with them ..
• JustGiving to help these kids and there mother
• Contact from Work & Pensions Select Committee to possibly help all of us

For the time being I have to keep on suffering and am still trying to get things done but what with Christmas and all the Hospitals, Doctors, supposedly moving into a bare empty house, memory issues, pain, anxiety and this damned chest/heart thing and someone else's stomach and now nausea thing, two autistic children .. one needy boy who is now copying the oldest Autistic and having a meltdown about sleeping in his mother's bed too.

I told you that needy-boy was a problem?

Mother in pain .. decides to have a bath .. need-boy, NOT Autistic, has already been screaming as loud as he can 'I DON'T .. WANT .. TO GO TO BED!' for half an hour who then makes every excuse to come out of his room, get sent back and balling his eyes out for not getting his own way. Keeping the oldest Autistic one awake and encouraging her out of her mother's room where she sreamed the place down when told she cannot sleep in their. Needy-boy, he is the one in the picture on the crowdfunding site, taken years ago and is even crying in that picture too when I knew he would be like this, is also winding up and fighting with the Autistic sister.

I heard the mother explode from the bathroom!

I could not go up and exert any authority because .. well she was in the bath! LOL.

Meltdown, meltdown, meltdown is all it is and they are even at school part to most of the day. One here now but not too bad on her own, the youngest.

They need to be separated and they absolutely need their on bedrooms .. seriously need their own bedrooms. Or things ill get far, far .. worse.

Oh but there is a new house that is more suitable. Yeah I did say MORE suitable. They still have to be paired up in bedrooms but they are bigger. One at one end and another at the other.

Yeah needy-boy with still end up winding everyone up including his brother who will go through puberty soon, meaning needy-boy gets black eyes a lot.

Yeah and the Devil's Angel will still wake up three time a night .. wake up her little sister and the two of them will have meltdowns throughout the day and that is without needy-boy who goes around winding all three others up.

I do see mistakes, sure. But it is not my place to say. There is too much stress going on and not my place anyway.

But then I am in panic mode because I think I might be suddenly thrust into this and it is all my sole responsibility?!

EDIT: The the discovery of and of course lack of being informed, despite the inordinate amount of waiting for them because they are so important and know so much, of GPs, Doctors and Specialists failing to tell me that  my now damaged eyesight, heart and blood pressure could be affected by Fibromyalgia because they refused to send me to a specialist and even when I tricked the into doing so .. only saw me once.

Didn't tell me it as behind the anxiety or that this could lead to the loss of the use of your legs on occasion?! Or that there are links to both high suicides, oh how I now get that as well as cancer and likely other things, like aneurysms which is what my father died of at 56.

Good God, man. Someone shoot me please! I would be far more humane.

Two videos of the two oldest kids from a few years back ..

Needy-boy when he started being needy some years ago ..

Oldest again ..

A FAMILIAR FACE OF THE IMAGINATION

Now that is something that does not happen every day. I would be a very happy man if it did and even happier if he was still alive!

But a man who took time to reach me due to many untold events greeted me as soon as I ran my Flipboard App after setting it up yet again.

Oh yeah I have my tablet back though I am not sure what they did. It had not switched itself off in the days which is quite remarkable as before taken in it did it half a dozen times in thirty minutes! However their, Google, swipe keyboard is stool adding key presses every so often whether your stabbing one at a time or swiping! So I might go and download the proper Swype Keyboard, if Google gave no bought it and crushed it in the scrap heap?! Lol!

Carl Sagan is one man I would have rather enjoyed spending many an hour with in deep contemplation to life, the universe and everything. Oh very many hours and sleep would certainly not be an option! Lol! In fact I can honestly say that he was an inspiration of sorts and is in a shortlist of people who were inspirations to me.

I may go into this list at some point but I would have to create the list and then add them over time as I remembered them and especially what it was that had an effect on the way that I see things. All of these people can last claim to being responsible for me finding my way through with the key factor being the increased level of brainwave activity caused by Fibromyalgia. Maybe subconsciously my mind heard snippets of things it then somehow knitted together because I had been bearded into a corner like that of a wounded animal. I realised that this was exactly what was expected to happen to me and the label has already been printed to stick firmly into my forehead for all to see!

I decided that this was the long term plan for losing the health service as it stood today and by paying petiole vast sums of money unimaginable to mere mortals to acre this up to save billions for themselves in the long run. With innocent people ranging from benefit claimants and half way up the working class ladder encompassing all others along the way.

But while cowering in my corner and realizing this was the plan in a round about way I decided that I would play along the whole time while having a plan of my own while making it appear that the plan was working! That was how I lead them into a false sense of security. The anger and frustration was there as it would be for anyone including those that dished the garbage out and all I had to do was vent my frustrations giving them cause to think they could label me as an angry violent mad man and striking at some point. Not realizing add they did that I had actually out thought them every step of the way and led then into a trap. Not bad for someone with short term memory problems! Lol!

Maybe that question from the PHSO was because they had realised this? I simply do not know and it may turn it that the end result of what I have done is still awhile away from having its fill effect felt?

Oddly this for me is the absolute prime time for a knee jerk reaction to realize that I was far more dangerous a that than originally thought and to get one of the usual things I have only half expected up until now?!

1 A threat from this like what took place with Allison Laughton of BAILIFF WATCHDOG

2 A solicitors letter being threatened with court action

I rather could not give a flying monkeys toss about either of these! Of course either of the above two or anything else now occurring and they could not have picked such a worse time with now a hugely impressive audience of witnesses! I mean the while legal action process will take ages before it could even get close to closing down this blog, which is quite impossible without breaching god knows how many laws that is! By the time it got to court I would imagine my audience being close to a million. Maybe even exceeding it depending on obstacles that can be thrown up into their path on the way to court. Of course I then have a right to legal representation which is the only way that anyone worth less than a quarter of a million pounds can get legal representation. Oops!

Meanwhile the whole time I have been slowly but surely exposing all those in power that like to preach in the news and to reporters about human rights are the worst offenders of such things. In fact I am feeling pretty confident that everyone's idea of priorities, primary goals, human rights and what constitute as real and proper news has been somewhat warped and twisted over a very long time.

All very cleverly done I must say. Little things here and there that on their own do not look like much and can be overlooked by the media. But take these little things and knit them together, or link, and eventually you end up with something as intricate as the works of Michaelangelo on the ceiling of the Cistine Chapel! Wonder if they sold that idea to any other governments?! Lol!

Now that would be quite something and bloody funny would it not? You voted them in and they set a plan out to screw you all that was so good that you paid for them to fly first class to sell the plan to other countries so that they could screw their people too?!

Of course this is just one theory and based on the fact that they made fools of the news media as opposed to buying their silence? Of course it could be that those doing this were the privatization companies the Conservatives love so much who have actually filled them and made them and the previous Labour government look like fools?

Or maybe it's well know what's going on but that these private companies are too powerful and they are scared of them?!

Or perhaps they take backhanders?!

Or perhaps they have dirt on everyone from the GCHQ, MI5 and NSA crap and they keep silent?!

The main thing is that I have ruled out a great many other possibilities and now down to a shortlist of them.

Here is the thing! How far do I get and over how long before key points are reached?! Key points like it's obvious what is going on with the evil Trinity backed up by bent old bill?! Lol!. What is going on higher up and with who and how?! I would thought that the sea mist is now slowly clearing and that the landscape is slowly coming into view? What will stand out most of all on this landscape? What will they be doing?

If I was one of the Rupert Murdoch's of this world with something that I listed above to hide and I was reading this ... I would be crapping in my pants right about now. In fact I think I could safely say that about all that I have mentioned. Well except a certain royal colored institution I have kept in the dark the longest that is. They still have a couple of months before they become fully briefed on what I have done to two of them!

In fact I can assure you that once they have come on here and scored through every single post I have made of which numbers beyond several thousand they still would not realize the colossal amount of damage to each of them I have gone and done! If I am approached and demanded to know of which I am referring by any of the above I will merely smile and laugh at the absolute idiocy and naivety they possess and ask them quite sincerely how they ever got the careers they did when they cannot even work that one out!!

Lmao!

I would suggest watching Carl Sagan's Cosmos and ... Oh but wait?! I have not explained all of those that have inspired me and how. Dr Carl Sagan's was simply ones imagination with infinite possibilities. Plus how to look at the bigger picture and see all things in relation to all others and their mere insignificance in the grand scheme of things.

Death is merely a doorway.

If I was to ask Carl Sagan one thing it would be his opinion on why a single human being can work so hard and for all his life towards a discovery he had no hope of finding answers to in his lifetime?!

I do this regularly and have various theories but I would be most interested to know his and have a deep discussion about this.

That will be what death will cheat me of eventually, answers to puzzles I have yet to solve!

How Carl Sagan Described Death To His Young Daughter http://www.popsci.com/article/science/how-carl-sagan-described-death-his-young-daughter?dom=tw&src=SOC