SHOUT TO THE TOP

I can't imagine what two particular parents are going through ..

I'm not that far away mind you.

So Alfie's parents have finally been denied by all the courts in the land?! Unbelievable.

This must finally go a long way to making the British public trust realise something. That the British Legal system is very, very questionable.

Odd that governments have the power to decide when it's OK to take life and when it is not, on taking your own with voluntary euthanasia.

I'd like do see someone punish comparisons on this with the legal systems in other countries.

I used to believe we were world leaders in many things but in the last fifteen years all these beliefs have been eroded away completely.

This is one of the most shocking things I have ever witnessed as well as one of the saddest.

What messages is out twisted and corrupt legal system sending out now?

Like those posters that tell you that 'Kindness Kills'?! How about 'Courts Decide When to Kill'?!

The best one of all is after several years of being clearly and obviously wrong to everyone they will admit it at some point, say they are working on it and tell the public to bear with them as it takes them a long time to do anything and that this is how things are.

I had someone tell me that there is a government within government. Second time that has been stated to me within the last five years. I mean just that line .. because absolutely everyone says there is corruption. What differs is how far it has spread and what is affected. NHS being the one hardest to convince people .. probably because of the oaths sworn?

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: Alfie Evans case: Supreme Court rules against parents for second time - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-43841547

SUICIDE ME

Oh boy .. the number of times of thigh rose two words! If I had a penny for each time of thought them I wouldn't have to think about them anymore!

Strange then that I stumble across the story linked below?!

Before I get intuitive it albeit briefly .. I will state again that I think it's fucking hypocritical, well .. a lot of things are, of the government to take money and support away from people, the jobless, sick and disabled .. put them into a living hell .. let them commit suicide up and down the country but then .. refuse to allow them to legally, or someone else, to assist them in taking their own lives.

This leads on to taking their own lives in ways that are painful or go wrong. Sometimes leaving people permanently disabled or with brain damage. Yeah .. makes loads of sense.

Is it because of religion? Because of so the fucking hypocrites too! Supposed to be all for those in need and suffering but they're not are they? Not .. really.

So someone has invented a curious .. machine so that people can take their own lives?!

Shit .. now you cannot take your own life unless your fucking rich, like everything else?

You can't enforce the law or get justice unless your rich .. or dead .. unless in the case of the latter you've committed suicide over austerity or course.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/suicide-machine-assisted-dying-euthanasia-debate-uk-clinic-sarco-nitschke-a8307741.html

THE DREAMS OF THE ENDS

There are various ends.

And there are various dreams of those ends.

These ends might not be what you may well be picturing in your heads right now, or maybe they are depending on how you searched to get to this page.

I have spoken many times about my disability of Fibromyalgia and the number of symptoms it causes. Man of these are unbearable and others potentially dangerous. New ones have appeared that I believe to be dangerous and have had me ask about having my feet amputated and replaced with mechanical ones.

Others make we want to die. Purely because they are both unbearable and .. simply not dealt with or ignored. Until now but they are still not understanding of the seriousness of the situation nor the backlash should something go wrong. Even more annoyingly the one that has me longing for death can be dealt with in any one of three ways. Two involve the correct prescriptions with an understanding that my short term memory problems are .. well, problematic and actually compound the problem.

Another one of those is the fact that I have been led down a garden path .. have enough money to set myself up doing what it is I love best presently and .. had the proverbial rug pulled from beneath me leaving me with an ever shrinking amount of savings and minus four items .. one 100-400mm lens, though professionals use the more expensive f2.8 300mm lens and f4 500mm lens. The first would be enough and it is a third of the price of the 300mm and sixth of the price of the 500mm. The second is a flash, yeah I did not even manage to get that. The third is a camera drone .. for cliff faces for sea birds and tree tops for things like Purple Emperor Butterflies I have wanted to film for a number of years now. These are challenges and I like challenges and being successful then you tend to be more successful with it. I also had to build a new PC to be able to edit the very high definition RAW file photographs and 4K video. You simply cannot do it with a budget built PC. I also wanted to have a go at making cages .. out of glass and wood to sell to people wanting to grow Orchids, something I am adept at. So I needed a couple of DeWalt items, a Festool Circular Saw and a worktable.

I have a dozen blogs and the camera would help most of them while the work tools would help both my Orchid blog and my YouTube channel.

Right here and ow there is another pause on all that and one I did not expect to go on anywhere near as long as it has.

So I was led down a garden path, got all my plans and purchases accepted week after week for three months or more and then as I did them they all got cancelled. So I was encouraged to spend the money and then was told the proverbial rug had been pulled around a week after the date I went self-employed.

I was tricked and I was lied to.

A shame then that they sent me emails all the way through and that I recorded every single NEA meeting and every single Job Coach meeting.

I should not be experiencing my anxiety. But I am. The day I received an email from that Work & Pensions Select Committee I was happier. I had also received my first Universal Credit payment too so that was another worry out of the way. But there are still many others and what is primary are the results to three tests, one due any time now and a breast scan that is any day now too. Tomorrow or Friday I believe. Then there is the stomach scan which is itself developing some very odd problems and pains. Many seem to be similar to ones I have had but not entirely sure on all of them. There was a pain being felt last night.

As stated previously and due to the problems with Autism there are four children and two afflicted with the aforementioned condition.

Last night there was a conversation in this house with the other of a single child out of three that has Autism and he is violent. Even the Police have been called to the house. The boy is eight.

Some questions that has been wondered about were asked and I remember someone stating that the children get worse and in all honesty .. it is fucking hard to imagine things getting harder. The older of our two with Autism is already a bloody nightmare and they tell us the youngest o going to be worse. It simply does not bear thinking about.

We were explaining that the older one goes into a meltdown now because she wants to sleep in mum's bed every night. There is only one reason for this .. her room gets locked and this does not happen with her mum's room, therefore she knows she can come swanning down the stairs several times and she does. Every night. She demands things like TV programs, TV's in the bedroom and even when she try to briber her with going to bed in her own room, with sweets, and get those promises they are broken. Within ten minutes at times.

The other mother of an Autistic child said that they were indeed going to get worse when they get older and that her child does not even have a bed in his room because he always sleeps I his mother's bed. He refused to go to school but there was some rumour that the authorities turned up t the house and marched him to school?

I constantly ask myself how this young mother is going to cope and if anything was to happen to her, which seems likely due to the way the Doctors and hospitals are all acting nervous and have called us in six times in a few weeks and and seems no sign of ending, how the fuck will I cope?!

I ask myself that if we get through these test result OK or with some successful operative procedure will my anxiety finally go? Or will I still have these feelings of absolute dread that I do not understand?

At least I know one substance to cut out that seems to magnify what they call 'the night dreads' and turn them up to 11. But it may well go up to '11' or higher all on its own?

So when you have had this sort of thing long enough you start to picture the various endings to it all and you hope that they come. In the end you do not care.

I am one that would not like to lose my mobility and I certainly would not like to lose my independence. I get too .. hyped up and I am already having feelings of missing getting out and about amongst nature with my camera stuff .. I long for it at times.

But the seriously dwindled state of my savings has made me somewhat nervous .. I case things go wrong and .. as I am not clear yet if I am getting even the proper and normal amount of Universal Credit I am even more wary of doing anything.

I just hope that by March, at least, something has worked out because the Spring, Summer and Autumn can be very productive times for me. I can be active in the Winter too and often used to be but due to hibernation .. there was always less opportunities. Except if and when it became picturesque and maybe with .. architecture.

Each time you go through 'episodes' it seems to go on forever and you start to think it will never end but it does. Eventually. When the authorities stop coming after you with a proverbial axe and holding hands out for funds that do not exist an any universe.

In the last week or two I have created four opportunities of this latest episode coming to an end .. for most things and for both of us.

• My Patreon account to help me
• GoFundMe to help these kids and mum .. due to confusion with them ..
• JustGiving to help these kids and there mother
• Contact from Work & Pensions Select Committee to possibly help all of us

For the time being I have to keep on suffering and am still trying to get things done but what with Christmas and all the Hospitals, Doctors, supposedly moving into a bare empty house, memory issues, pain, anxiety and this damned chest/heart thing and someone else's stomach and now nausea thing, two autistic children .. one needy boy who is now copying the oldest Autistic and having a meltdown about sleeping in his mother's bed too.

I told you that needy-boy was a problem?

Mother in pain .. decides to have a bath .. need-boy, NOT Autistic, has already been screaming as loud as he can 'I DON'T .. WANT .. TO GO TO BED!' for half an hour who then makes every excuse to come out of his room, get sent back and balling his eyes out for not getting his own way. Keeping the oldest Autistic one awake and encouraging her out of her mother's room where she sreamed the place down when told she cannot sleep in their. Needy-boy, he is the one in the picture on the crowdfunding site, taken years ago and is even crying in that picture too when I knew he would be like this, is also winding up and fighting with the Autistic sister.

I heard the mother explode from the bathroom!

I could not go up and exert any authority because .. well she was in the bath! LOL.

Meltdown, meltdown, meltdown is all it is and they are even at school part to most of the day. One here now but not too bad on her own, the youngest.

They need to be separated and they absolutely need their on bedrooms .. seriously need their own bedrooms. Or things ill get far, far .. worse.

Oh but there is a new house that is more suitable. Yeah I did say MORE suitable. They still have to be paired up in bedrooms but they are bigger. One at one end and another at the other.

Yeah needy-boy with still end up winding everyone up including his brother who will go through puberty soon, meaning needy-boy gets black eyes a lot.

Yeah and the Devil's Angel will still wake up three time a night .. wake up her little sister and the two of them will have meltdowns throughout the day and that is without needy-boy who goes around winding all three others up.

I do see mistakes, sure. But it is not my place to say. There is too much stress going on and not my place anyway.

But then I am in panic mode because I think I might be suddenly thrust into this and it is all my sole responsibility?!

EDIT: The the discovery of and of course lack of being informed, despite the inordinate amount of waiting for them because they are so important and know so much, of GPs, Doctors and Specialists failing to tell me that  my now damaged eyesight, heart and blood pressure could be affected by Fibromyalgia because they refused to send me to a specialist and even when I tricked the into doing so .. only saw me once.

Didn't tell me it as behind the anxiety or that this could lead to the loss of the use of your legs on occasion?! Or that there are links to both high suicides, oh how I now get that as well as cancer and likely other things, like aneurysms which is what my father died of at 56.

Good God, man. Someone shoot me please! I would be far more humane.

Two videos of the two oldest kids from a few years back ..

Needy-boy when he started being needy some years ago ..

Oldest again ..

NIGHT AFTER THE NIGHTMARE

Well that has not gone well.

I did not get to sleep until quite late and after the daze I was originally in I started to come out of it but not to a place I wanted to.

I had thought that the daze I was seemingly in might mean that I would not enter the all too familiar crisis stage. However I had forgotten that I had held onto some diazepam and had taken one shortly before that court hearing. So I had fooled myself into thinking I would emerge OK from the stunned shock I was in.

Last night as it was getting later it became obvious that I was going to emerge in a state I was not going to like. I had hoped to go to sleep and that maybe with the sleep I would wake up on the other side of this state but I was having more and more trouble sleeping. Until sometime after 2am when I finally did sleep. Though Fibromyalgia sufferers do not actually sleep in the true sense, yet something else that did not get asked about nor mentioned yesterday. It is 7.13am currently but I have been awake for around 2 hours and been trying to watch YouTube videos on subjects I enjoy but … simply have no interest.

I also seem to have this searing pain in my hip area … more like a very intense … ache. I seem to recall having this in the past, I do not know what it is and I have done nothing to have caused any aching or pain of any kind.

Good God. I really do not know what to do with myself or what I will do with myself today. It is a Saturday and I have one option for the day and it is not a good one and also not one I can conceivably choose. So really I have zero options.

I do fee like I am on the edge of another deep crisis. I had made some plans to counter this but they have yet to play out, not heard from Mind about my first appointment and probably be weeks away when I do. I have someone else going to speak to me next Tuesday but that is next Tuesday.

I am disappointed that I woke up. Been a very long time since I last felt like that, or at least that strongly about being disappointed I am still alive.

I also simply cannot get over the vast contrast to a year ago and there is a galaxy of space between the two.

Hmm I actually think its my glutes that are aching and not the area of my thighs, or at least an area somewhere between the two?

I have been reminded in the last 12 hours that if there is indeed a continuation of the human soul beyond death that I do not EVER want to come back. I will fight kicking and screaming if I am forced to.

I have tried doing a search to see if there is anywhere you can admit yourself too in case things go from bad to worse? It is surprising how little there is out there that does anything more than calling someone up and talking down the phone.

Jesus how are things this bad?

I do wonder about those … others affected with mental illness that are pushed to drastic measures of self harm and wonder what the transition is from self harm and doing something worse? Is it a big chasm or a small step? For some reason that has been playing on my mind since last night. I have had some thoughts about that next step and I wonder what it would take?

I have been here in the past and wished I had the guts and wonder what it would take to acquire them?

You just so much want to flick that switch to the off position and that is what I find as one serious fault to the human body and mind. Or you could also see it as a massive problem with the society you live in too? That people can make decisions that make you feel this bad without giving a crap and all normally because of money. Power too at times.

The funny thing is that, I don't think I mentioned it, but two days before the court appearance I was making up a page of screenshots of my blogs to talk about at the hearing I never bothered to mention when I noticed something. What is funny about it is that it was a little ray of light or hope but I just keep thinking too little too late.

As I looked at the actual blogs as they appear to others I noticed something. Two small adverts on some of the pages on my Blogger blogs? I found this odd as I thought I had taken all the adverts off my blogs over a year ago? I wondered whether or not Google insist on having some ads on there with the excuse of needing money to manage the servers? I do now know.

Then I thought 'well if they have been on there all this time then they must have accumulated some money?' so clicked on the earnings tab and got a little bit of a surprise if I am honest. It was heading for £50. I would have been surprised if it was half that.

I remember thinking how annoying this was as I had predicted that another year to eighteen months I might have actually started to get some small monthly amount, or every other month? Which is why I found the DWP's recent actions so bloody frustrating. I even said to a couple of people I know that if only they had held off for another year losing a percentage of my money, again, would not hit me so badly.

Though to be honest to counter precisely what I am about to lose I would need six times that figure paid every month. Puts into sharp contrast how hard it is for bloggers and YouTubers everywhere.

So no, it does not really help the current situation.

So your in a situation where you want to do stuff … but you don't want to do stuff. You want to watch things … but you don't want to watch things. You want to go and see people … but you don't want to go and see people. Funny this as the problem are respectively that you just want to whither and die, you just cannot get into things or enjoy things and you do not want to be a burden on anyone.

I am old enough and wise enough to see that many people have problems especially today and so I find it funny when you find a website to do with having a crisis and they tell you to phone a family member or friend!

I read that as “Go burden someone else with your problems while we get paid”.

Like a little conversation I had recently about how many bodies and charities there are out there but that no one actually does anything. I was speaking about this with my diabetes friend and I asked him if he was a member of any diabetes charities to which he replied, yes. I then asked him what they had done for him in all the years he suffered with diabetes and he paused for a moment and said “well nothing really” and I think he said something about a newsletter?

Yes because news letters make such a profound difference to your life.

I wonder if I could get to Google's Deep Mind facility I could ask them to install a kill switch about my person so that I may press it? Or perhaps upload myself to a computer to leave the human body's faults behind? Transhumanism, yes that would be one solution. I think. A shame it is not … a thing.

I do hope this feeling passes and does not linger too long but if experience in these feeling has taught me anything is that they are anything but short lived. Weeks and even months can go by before they begin go peter out as I am sure a great many can attest to?

Just another one of those bloody Fibromyalgia symptoms that can and do make your life a misery...no, a living hell.

Hmm … maybe of scientists can prove that there is a soul and it does live on in a quantum state then voluntary euthanasia can finally become a thing? So those of us who got the shit end of the stick can just check out?

That is until such a time that humans can become more ... humane?

Good God this aching pain is unrelenting!

STORMS IN MORE PORTS

Hmm.

I was bored out of my mind and with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Probably for the best as I have a terrible ache in my right knee and my back has played up a little.

I am leaping from diabolical boredom and anxiety pangs which has gone of for weeks now. I do not know whether nor not each feeling is going to take a nosedive at some point. My money is on the fact that they will.

It seems as if there is, or looks likely there is going to be, a criminal investigation into ministers of the DWP?

I found details of this in on the website of the tabloid The Independent reports that someone quoted as a 'disabled activist' named John McArdle of a campaign group called Black Triangle lodged a complaint with Police back in March, 2016.

The report was published back in early May and I am at a loss as to why I am only hearing about this now?

Here is an excerpt from report...

Campaigners have long accused the DWP's fit-to-work tests of causing deaths and have pointed to a number of suicides that took place in light of sanctions.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/iain-duncan-smith-police-assessing-possible-investigation-into-dwp-ministers-over-fit-to-work-tests-a7020471.html

I can not help wondering if this case got buried or is still ongoing?

Interesting to see that there is an avenue to take members of the government to court.

The comments section once again shows, like the last one I linked in a recent post, what the feeling is of the public and how sickened they are at what has been going on.

Just more evidence that more an more of the public are becoming aware of the lies, corruption and downright inhumane treatment of the disabled.

Once again there is talk of the amount of suicides that have gone on since they started treating the sick and disabled this way. Funny how they are quick to make TV documentaries of some people cheating the DWP of money but we have yet to see anything at all of the absolute hell they have made of people's lives as well as the number of deaths they cause.

Do not worry though, they will keep you informed of Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity and other reality TV shows along with celebrity gossip.

An interesting couple of comments left is one asking how in the world 'are they allowing this to happen' and a response stating 'how are WE allowing this to happen?'

What they have done is used a tiny percentage of the claimants that give everyone else a bad name, used this to fool and manipulate the public and allowed the public services to perform far greater crimes than those cheating the system. 

Because this has resulted in the untimely deaths of many, many people.

Funny as I thought if you took actions that drove anyone to death this would be as bad as murder ... driving someone to suicide is no different to committing murder. You just do not actually get your hands ... well, dirty.

These were supposed to be benefit cuts under the 'we are all in it together' banner, not benefits all stop completely and hopefully a few hundred thousands will commit suicide so we do not have to pay out for them any more.

Makes a mockery of the fact that the law an courts will not allow voluntary euthanasia, does it not?