THE CRASHING DOWN

Jesus Christ.

How and why does the human body do certain things to itself?

I had to deal with another shocked person today and this time my landlord. He looked absolutely stunned when I told him that the PIP department requested an assessment and that despite not getting to Upper Holloway and appealing this time they wanted me to go to Brentwood.

He said “I thought this was going to court” and I told him that it was and that I had just gotten my court date that morning in the mail. He simply could not believe how they could not care less it was going to court. Maybe he thought what I did that it had already been decided? I did explain that for me and my experience of zero people actually doing anything and physically helping I had zero faith that the court would be any different.

He asked me what it was I had been told that he would not like and I explained what I had been told about becoming homeless and that I would need a possession order. I was surprised as he was already aware of this. He even mentioned a 'section 21', whatever that is? I think someone else had mentioned that to me recently … the Citizen's Advice, I believe?

Memory! The word 'section' along with a number was definitely used, possibly two different numbers?

After receiving the court letter I had an attack of anxiety before I even got out of the house. I immediately panicked that the anxiety would prevent me from attending the hearing and prayed that this would not turn out to be the case.

Throughout the day the anxiety has been on and off.

God, the feelings you get when this occurs. Take every feeling you can think of and imagine them crashing down. Now try to imagine that being so strong that your legs just switch off. At first you may get wobbly feeling in them and this only gets worse. I often have seen diabetics when their sugar is low and the sway all over the place as if they are drunk. That looks how I felt.

Each step you try to take, takes immense concentration and focus to stop each leg in turn from simply giving way completely.

A little while after my landlord left with his late rent my social worker friend called me up to see how I was. He likes things done certain ways and gets annoyed when they are not. So when I am having a crisis, or many crises he expects me to contact the necessary people and do what is expected. Thus far I have. He asked if I had seen my GP and was I being sent to a psychiatrist and I said that I had asked but was told to wait and see what Mind had to say. He could not believe that especially as I had been to A&E and my GP had been informed. I told him that the lady at Mind had already asked why he had previously told me to contact Citizen's Advice over asking for help with my memory issues and trouble doing my daily tasks.

It is now getting a little worrying as a list of odd things is beginning to mount up …

• Promised to be sent to a Osteopath over my back several times I never got
• On asking about help and support with memory issues and disability, told to speak to CAB
• Same time as referral for Neurology a Colonoscopy appointment has gone astray
• Postural Hypotension and suspicion of epilepsy appear to be something far more serious

You ask for help and nothing comes.

This just seems to carry on. That is until you get to a stage you cannot deal with yourself and you get so low that you simply seem to lose the will to live. If only it was that easy as literally doing so would be such a comfort.

You lose interest in all around you.

You lose interest in all that you enjoy.

You eventually lose interest in all that you love.

Things already difficult do so suddenly seem monumental tasks.

These tasks building up only result in adding to the pressures being experienced.

You try to think of all the ways you can deal with it yourself.

You find nothing and in the end you ask others who only give you the obvious things you have already tried.

You end up trying to approach a higher tier for help and only find out there are hoops you have to leap through and procedures to follow.

Different tasks start to build up.

Eventually they appear mountainous.

You start to ask yourself if anyone took any notice of anything you said?

In my case it is my ever failing memory mainly but along with the pains and difficulties.

What I was handed was a phone number to a 'Crisis Team' and I had forgotten about them and had used them before, but not in this area and a long time ago. Though I had a brief skirmish with a psychiatrist a couple of times about five or six years back.

These hoops and tasks are no help when your already forlorn. When your life already is empty and your aim directionless. Your life … meaningless.

You ask the unanswerable question … why?

There must be more to life than just this? It should be way better than simply trying to deal with pain, emptiness and avoiding the poisonous spears thrown at you from all directions?

But dozens if not hundreds sit in their ivory towers and armoury loaded with spears and think they are performing a special duty. They think they do this for the public, shockingly. Confusingly.

You stand their with legs buckling. Trying to hold everything up as it tries to come crashing down around your ears. You pray for some light. Something, anything from someone to show you the way.

As I said to my social worker friend … what has surprised me is that three professionals with one an A&E Doctor, one experienced nurse and now a member from Mind have all seemed aware of bad things going on and shaken their heads in disbelief.

The question is for me is if I can survive long enough to get through something like this yet again and come out the other side? Also will the other side be worth seeing? Is there anything left or anything new to make life interesting and worthwhile living again?

So right now my rent payments seem to be sorted and just hoping that they do not cancel them again or get the idiot idea that the date they paid me is now a new date to send payments … well over a week late.

While I wait to see if the rent payments return to normal I have also to stop the DWP from allowing me to starve, possibly to death, and contact the court over some documents and the Citizen's Advice about the court.

Good grief! We are still only in September and this has turned out to be one shitty year and to think I thought that the fact that the crap summer stopping me from getting photos and videos for my blogs and YouTube channel could not get any worse? OOPS.