THE MANY SLOW DEATHS

I am dying...again.

The only way I can describe anxiety attacks like I experience briefly is that it feels like I am literally dying. Except it takes a long time, sometimes seemingly forever and … well, you don't die.

Thought to be honest I half expect a heart attack or something else pretty major each time I experience one of these attacks.

I am sure that actually dying would be far less cruel?

It is Sunday and for some reason the anxiety has decided to go onto overdrive yet again. It has more or less stayed at lower levels for a few days but now has suddenly decided to go nuts?

Oddly I just remembered I have now had an email from the Citizen's Advice that states that they can have someone with me at court but seemed to think I was asking for someone for a DWP assessment?! Except as I have pointed out it clearly states in the subject line 'representation to court'!

I cannot believe the mess I have going on with both the Citizen's Advice Bureau and HM Court & Tribunal Service. They have both made such awful and amateurish errors.

I am the one with the anxiety attacks and the memory problems and despite that I can still read and I cannot help but think that they are working together to deliberately play against my two weaknesses of anxiety and memory loss?

How can you make these many errors? Also the court date was many weeks sooner than I expected it to be.

So with mere days to go I have to send two more letters to the court, with hardly any time for them to process them, and try to get the representation from the Citizen's Advice, keep my rising anxiety at bay and I have just found out my sister has gone into hospital so may be about to give birth?!

Plus the mother of one brother's girlfriend has been taken into hospital too.

While I sit here feeling like I am dying … except I just wont .. frustratingly. Leaving me always asking how a human can feel this much pain and still be alive?

I have a letter in my backpack to the court already with their own pre-paid second class stamp on I forgot to post on Friday. Then yesterday I realised my Visa card was missing and that took up a day and I thought it must be in Sainsburys I went there as asked and they had nothing handed in.

A friend that morning had insisted that the banks are open to 4pm and that I should go in there and tell them I lost it. So after Sainsburys I went there … but no as I thought it was not open and according to the times on the door does not open at all on Saturday.

Of course I forgot about my pre-paid second class envelope to go to HM Court & Tribunal Service which is now barely going to have time to be read.

This is the idea and way that justice is handled in the UK today? My God.

Do not forget I have some pretty bad memory problems and bad things happening spark of my anxiety which itself can cause other .. effects. The fact that I have to try and keep on top of all this also helps drive my anxiety over the top.

This week is not going to go well and I just hope everything goes OK for my sister.