DAZED AND CONFUSED BY THE DEVIL'S SPAWN

So then?

I am feeling quite … odd.

It is like one of my limbos … except this one actually feels more like a limbo than any of the others and I feel somewhat … lost.

I have had everyone bar one that normally does contact me over this and a mate is messaging me right now and I told him I have no clue what is going to happen now.

I just feel dazed.

I am also confused.

I simply do not know what to do now. I have some options open to me … but not much in the way of options and I think I will have to speak to a couple of people I have recently been speaking to, to ask them.

One of them will probably prevent me ever going to court again but in all honesty and as I said to a friend .. there is never a chance that I would use HM Court & Tribunal Service ever again, not after that. I have been told by a few to appeal and I told them that, that was the appeal one friend said it cannot be it is too soon. I assured her that it was and I said “Y'know I thought the date was very quick and thought it would likely be somewhere between November and January”

After all the Citizen's Advice stated it was far too soon for them to send a representative with me, after initially telling me that they would send one. This is why I complained to Citizen's Advice about their handling of this.

The failure of sending someone as they said that they would was bad enough but they left my dangling on something that set off my anxiety attacks once again which led to my legs not working for an hour, told me they would likely give in or I would win the tribunal which were both wrong.

Also the more I think about the tribunal the more I realise she failed to ask about or mention in passing, proving she simply was not interested.

I absolutely guarantee she is if the brigade that believes the government is right to screw over disabled people to save money. I have absolutely no doubts that if asked privately she would agree with what the Tories, George Osborne and Iain Duncan-Smith was doing. No doubts. You know when sometimes you meet someone and you just get these bloody big signals from them?

This was all about the money too … not the health conditions and I am pretty sure I did not even utter the word 'Fibromyalgia' and I am pretty sure she didn't either.

Not only was I trying to explain my various symptoms to someone that simply did not understand them or the condition she clearly was not interested.

I simply took the whole hearing as an attempt to call me out as a liar on everything.

So according to her, that … judges logic, I insisted on experiencing a group of symptoms for 13 years, though other symptoms were connected and went back far longer, … yes waited 13 whole years before I then decided to turn around and say it was Fibromyalgia.

I waited 13 years before declaring what it was.

Oh and do not forget I managed to fool and manipulate an entire GP Surgery, get sent to Guy's Hospital and then fool a Fibromyalgia specialist called Dr Kirkham who was based in their Rheumatology Department.

Yeeeah … if I could do all that I would have been a millionaire well over a decade ago … the fucking morons!

I mean … really?! That is the best you can come up with … really?! Jesus H Christ this country really haas and is still going to the pits.

I have just had my landlords, plural, here and they were both astounded as I told them what happened at the court. The … lady of the two told me that I should appeal and that this was terrible treatment. They said I should try and fight it. But what with?

I feel very much burnt out right now.

My tank is empty.

Though I did achieve something I had wanted to for a very long time.

Just that I lost my first case and the situation is … well diabolical to put it mildly.

My word … it is going to take me days to figure out what I have to do or will end up doing and that is if I can think of anything at all.

Not waking up tomorrow would be kind of … nice and .. final.

Except I would have to make some arrangements as I have a … very big collection of stuff I would need to … well think of it as passing on the baton. Not really into athletics but I do not what a baton is. Probably spelled it wrong though? Lol.

I swear to God if I was a religious man I would have sworn to God that I had just had a meeting with the spawn of the devil himself.

The funny thing is that many of the support group for Fibromyalgia I was at looked a damn site fitter than me and none carried a walking stick around with them, though this might have changed over the last year. They are under the impression that Fibromyalgia is a bona fide disability and I hope to God if they ever get their money stopped and attend a court hearing that they do not get the … person that I got.

I could have raised my left sleeve and showed her the many scars and slashes on my upper left arm but I literally looked at her and though “you simply would not give a flying fuck!” and so I did not.

Any time I did try and explain something there was this turn of the head that showed disinterest and whether she had decided I was a liar, for whatever reason or agenda, before I entered the room or not she was certainly giving me every signal that she thought I was.

It was plainly obvious to both see and hear that she was not going to listen nor accept everything and spoke to me in a way that has not been done since I was in nursery school or primary school.

If I was to say it was both patronising and condescending it would be a gross understatement. How she could be a judge of anything at all is beyond me. Maybe she spent all her life handling purely financial cases or something? Or just spawned in hell like I stated earlier?

If I am ever forced, and I would have to be forced, to ever attend a HM Court & Tribunal Service … umm tribunal again I am taking crucifies and holy water.

I feel so burnt out and spent right now. I could really become an alcoholic, really I could. At least it would numb the pain better than any of the wrong crap the NHS gives me!

DOWN FOR THE RAILROADING

Well … I had my court appearance and it was dreadful.

It was today, Friday 30^th September 2016.

It was worse than dreadful. I can tell you here and now that I lost … and so I am going to have to claim Universal Credit until such a time that some group somewhere does something about all this.

Ten minutes into the session and I knew I had lost because of two things … as I first noticed and mentioned to the only woman sitting behind a desk “oh? I thought there would be more of you?”

There was just single person and quite bizarrely and more importantly no GP?!

There is normally three people, it was like this 7 years ago when I had one and an A&E Doctor told me there would be one. There was not.

The lady sat opposite me spoke harshly and abruptly and in all honesty, quite rude.

She showed absolutely no interest in my condition or its many symptoms.

She called me a liar in a roundabout way because her definition of blackouts were not the same as mine. I said to her that everything goes grey and then black so what else would I call it? She said that I would fall and wake up not knowing where I was and I said that this has happened recently but she was not interested.

She was only interested in calling me a liar and backing up the DWP.

This was the absolute greatest example of being railroaded I had ever heard of and I was witnessing it first hand.

The fact that I carried around medical grade wool in case of little accidents did not matter either as I was not carrying around … let us just say the PROPER items! So because of the name of what I carried around made the difference.

The Citizen's Advice recommended that I attend and the fact that I turned up was used against me because she more or less said so.

The funny thing is that ten minutes into it, maybe less I cannot remember, she actually asked me if I was recording us! I said no and she asked me for my phone, so I took it out and handed it to her.

She opened the phone and the screen is light sensitive and it lit up showing the day and date and she said she would keep it with her and placed it on the desk in front of her.

This woman … and I use the term loosely, was one of those that believed in the idea of kicking everyone off PIP and ESA unless they were actually missing legs, or parts thereof. Because she stated that I could get to a bust stop!

I used to have carrier pigeons but they all flew the coup. I had been telling my General Practitioners for a while now I was getting worried about doing stuff and was relying on my bike more and more and forgetting stuff much more often.

I pointed out that it was a Saturday, that I as supposed to be taken and let down and I figured I would try and get there as the EEG was important due to my blacking out.

All throughout she had a face that you could read like a book and if I was to ever offer some advice it would be to not play poker!

Even when she had finished she was rude and discourteous and just said “right!” and I was thinking 'what? Does she mean that is it' and I then asked. She said she would write to me but that was very, very clearly not needed. I asked if I could grab my phone from her side of the desk and she said yes.

The door was opened for me by the clerk and I, courteous as always, thanked her for opening the door.

God help my friend and anyone else with diabetes if they ever call him in for an assessment!

Never had I had anyone be so rude and insulting to me I my entire life.

Funny as I was not aware that being a judge allowed you to be discourteous, saying sorry once or twice for making a mistake does not count, nor be rude or insulting. Insulting because any answer being led to her face turning to one side and being dismissive.

This was a complete set up and I know wonder why if I got my answer when I wondered why my anxiety levels went so bloody high for the last month?

I might have done exactly this before and lost but this time … this time I had names for my conditions and could explain my memory problems, feet pain, arch pain, ankle pain, anxiety attacks and other things and actually put names to them.

A friend of mine on DLA for his diabetes was absolutely shocked of how she sounded, realised from things I repeated that she said that I had lost not one but BOTH benefits, yet again and was shocked that I lost. “Blimey, this is only for ESA?!!” was one line he uttered making him realise that PIP, or Personal Independent Payments was going to be far worse.

If I am not entitled to ESA then by this judges own words I am fully fit to work.

So am I have applied for Universal Credit now and I have had to lie on the form so that I get paid … SOMETHING by stating I am fit for work!

That is a lie … no two ways about it.

Seems they are making people join this Universal Jobmatch thing where you apply for jobs and I have to go and meet someone to talk about how I am going to get a job.

Now I can guarantee you this .. when I explain about my health conditions .. they will tell me to LIE to employers, I know because it was either said to me by them in the past or to someone I know.

I have applied for a job that is temporary and as a driver. I crash at the wheel and get into trouble I am going to tell them that the DWP told me to lie about it! Then they can get their arses sued by the company.

Oh and as usual I note that none of the jobs are their own and are pulled off other sites … typical … they never have any jobs, haven't had in years.

My friend said that it is outrageous what the court has said and that I am disabled in his view and that I should get a sick certificate from my GP. I said I did not think they did those Statutory Sick Pay certificates any longer but he seemed to think that they do.

I did state that when I see my GP again I am going to mention that his letter cost me three benefits and that he needs to tell me in his view whether or not I am fit for work or not.

If he says yes I am going to ask him then how did a A&E GP in North Middlesex Hospital tell me that with my medical records there is no way?

EDIT:

I attended an support group once run by the FMA UK, I kept forgetting to attend all following group meetings.

They were under the impression that Fibromyalgia is a disability ... not any longer!

SECOND EDIT:

Oh and I have asked the Citizen's Advice Bureau for an external, separate from the CAB, body to lodge a complaint.

Because they got it wrong, started my anxiety attacks up and failed to offer what they promised and even seemingly dragging their feet over it so they would not have to send someone along?

They said it likely would not get to court as the DWP normally give in and if it went to court I would win and they would send a representative along. None of those things happened or came to pass.

THE MANY SLOW DEATHS

I am dying...again.

The only way I can describe anxiety attacks like I experience briefly is that it feels like I am literally dying. Except it takes a long time, sometimes seemingly forever and … well, you don't die.

Thought to be honest I half expect a heart attack or something else pretty major each time I experience one of these attacks.

I am sure that actually dying would be far less cruel?

It is Sunday and for some reason the anxiety has decided to go onto overdrive yet again. It has more or less stayed at lower levels for a few days but now has suddenly decided to go nuts?

Oddly I just remembered I have now had an email from the Citizen's Advice that states that they can have someone with me at court but seemed to think I was asking for someone for a DWP assessment?! Except as I have pointed out it clearly states in the subject line 'representation to court'!

I cannot believe the mess I have going on with both the Citizen's Advice Bureau and HM Court & Tribunal Service. They have both made such awful and amateurish errors.

I am the one with the anxiety attacks and the memory problems and despite that I can still read and I cannot help but think that they are working together to deliberately play against my two weaknesses of anxiety and memory loss?

How can you make these many errors? Also the court date was many weeks sooner than I expected it to be.

So with mere days to go I have to send two more letters to the court, with hardly any time for them to process them, and try to get the representation from the Citizen's Advice, keep my rising anxiety at bay and I have just found out my sister has gone into hospital so may be about to give birth?!

Plus the mother of one brother's girlfriend has been taken into hospital too.

While I sit here feeling like I am dying … except I just wont .. frustratingly. Leaving me always asking how a human can feel this much pain and still be alive?

I have a letter in my backpack to the court already with their own pre-paid second class stamp on I forgot to post on Friday. Then yesterday I realised my Visa card was missing and that took up a day and I thought it must be in Sainsburys I went there as asked and they had nothing handed in.

A friend that morning had insisted that the banks are open to 4pm and that I should go in there and tell them I lost it. So after Sainsburys I went there … but no as I thought it was not open and according to the times on the door does not open at all on Saturday.

Of course I forgot about my pre-paid second class envelope to go to HM Court & Tribunal Service which is now barely going to have time to be read.

This is the idea and way that justice is handled in the UK today? My God.

Do not forget I have some pretty bad memory problems and bad things happening spark of my anxiety which itself can cause other .. effects. The fact that I have to try and keep on top of all this also helps drive my anxiety over the top.

This week is not going to go well and I just hope everything goes OK for my sister.