The heart clearly on
the sleeve.
Right at this moment as
I type this, likely 24 hours before posting, I am inbetween
appointments and I mean appointments on the same day.
I met with an assessor
at Mind and spent most of it blowing her mind and having her punching
the are with a much exhaled “Yes!”
We did not cover
everything about me and that usually takes well in excess of two
hours and we only had an hour and it was an initial assessment.
She spotted something
about me physically.
She came to many
realisations about me intellectually that amazed her and I always
find it uplifting when people realise that.
To her horror she found
out what had been done to me over and over again and in the different
ways I was affected.
She reeled in what
seemed like a combination of surprise and glee at what I have managed
to do with a certain situation I was involved with documented much on
here and over for some time and the blogs. She did not ask for the
address, like the Doctor at North Middlesex Hospital did, so her
punching the air was something of a surprise.
Maybe I will get asked
for it at a later date?
Maybe they already knew
of my blog and had wondered if it was me and why she punched the air?
Hmm that would be very
cool.
I do not exactly hide
my real name on-line … tooo many sad and bad people do that and
gives off the wrong signals. I do however, have an on-line nickname
and … well … that is pretty much obvious what it is. Lol.
Nearly forgot my rent,
yes I finally have it, and had to jump off a bus before it carried on
its journey! Damned fibrofog is a pain in the arse.
Did a bit of a hobbled
journey home that has buggered my legs and feet and made me feel 80
once again. I did this to switch to my bike for the remainder of the
day and to get to my second appointment.
I cannot help but think
of the times my life has been documented. I am sure that there will
be more times over the coming weeks? There may be more in the coming
days arranged before even the end of today?
In fact I am even sure
a report is being made about me to be passed on? Judging from
something the assessor said to me.
In times on many
occasions my mind has been documented. Each of those times they were
many things not known.
I feel so tired.
Almost always so tired.
Journeys I make and
places I go. Each time looking for answers. Each time like an
outstretched arm from the darkness. Hoping for someone with a light.
Fast forward me
suddenly waking up wondering where I am and realising I have a little
over half an hour to get to my second appointment, that was actually
scheduled for ten minutes earlier than the time I had I my head and I
am back home.
“I hear you have been
to A&E?” I am asked by the GP.
“My God, they work
fast! I was not even they told GP's anything.” I answered. I have
never been to hospital in my life and then have a GP mention that I
had been to one. Ever.
I had made the
appointment to ask about the Diverticulitis Colonoscopy which I am
told yet again has actually been referred. I did think he had said
this last time I asked him a month or likely two months ago. My
memory, you see? He did the fingers in the waste and asking you to
cough, thing, where he has something hit his fingers which should not
happen apparently. I get a popping there rather like a hernia, though
in my right waist I am not familiar with any hernias that occur there
and I pretty much thought I was familiar with every type of hernia. I
have two and have had one repaired, you see?
I did tell him I had
been to Mind earlier that day and when he asked how it went I said I
think I blew her mind?
I had told him that I
had been having troubles for sometime but am so fiercely independent
and I might mention it but I never push hard for it. Help, that is. I
did, after all, mention to him that I needed help and he suggested I
speak to Citizen's Advice. I now remember that we spoke about that at
Mind and they said “Why would you talk to Citizen's Advice about
that?” with a confused look and grin and I said “I know, right?”
before I then said “Well they will just do about anything to save
money or stick to what they have been told to do by the NHS,
corruption and all that” and she said something about how terrible
it is in the UK.
Blimey. It is only
Thursday and from last Saturday onwards I have had one, very good,
nurse, one, also very good, Doctor and now a Mind assessor all state
about how bad things are in the UK?!
Blimey! Maybe the
message is getting through and it IS sinking in?
Wonders never cease!
AS strange as it may
sound … hearing these three people say these things has actually
had a positive effect on me, without me realising to begin with.
I think part of my
problem within the annals of my mind is knowing the truth but
thinking that I am so utterly alone and feel cast adrift on a vast
ocean and feel the only one.
I was asked if I was
getting any counselling and I said that I was but I was told I would
have a bit of a wait. I do not know whether that was a kid of do not
expect something imminent and would be a couple of weeks or another
six weeks like I waited for the assessment?
As well as the DWP now
asking me for a second assessment in just a few months, despite the
fact that there is now going to be a court hearing, I have had a
phone-call from the DWP to say they are sorry but they seem to have
lost my claim for ESA.
Remember this is with
me doing everything I can and even getting advice from the Citizen's
Advice Bureau. So no doubt in around a months time I will have my
Personal Independent Payments stopped and there is a race to see if
the ESA will pay me money before that takes place?!
Hmm … did I mention
the GP? Looking surprised at the fact I have already had an MRI and
the results coming through in as little as two weeks?
God, I am tired.
Surely life is not
meant to be this bad or hurt this much?
My life currently is an
absolute polar opposite to what I thought it would be this time last
year. With everything that took place last year I thought I would be
riding it high during 2016 and that whatever time I had left in this
world would be a damn site easier. But no.
Oh and would you look
at that? I have just right now had the court date come through the
door and it is about the same time that I will lose my PIPs, or
shortly after the court appearance.
You know I took one
look at the letter and the court date and I just got this really
unnerving feeling and a thought crossed my mind. I hope it was just
nerves but I thought 'They are corrupt too, I am going to get
screwed'.
Perhaps it was the
rapid date and the lack of any mention of their previous serious
error in stating I was losing my PIPs before I even received a letter
for the assessment of PIPs? The fact that the court date will occur
before I have even had my ESA application processed is something of a
concern too.
I am getting stress out
right now as I have been looking for the letter of the assessment
request by PIPs to attach on this post but cannot find it.
Oh, turns out I already
scanned it.
Oh well, looks like I
will finally get my wish to see of the courts are up to no good too,
well at least this … small tribunal? But one small court being
guilty brings the rest of them into question, right?
God, I cannot keep
track of all this!
One thing at a time,
Martin. Neurophysiologist next and it is probably curtains for me
anyway judging how bloody rapidly the NHS have been moving over my
symptoms and head MRI?
Part of me still hoping
that something terminal is found to force all this to be over. May
sound extreme but it has literally gotten like that and my recent
anxiety attacks along with their intensity has made me realise this
will just keep on repeating until I find a way out of it.
Unfortunately my books
and the blogs were supposed to be a way out of all this, with the
help of a little court case that was supposed to end at the end of
2015, but it seems that was not to be.
