There are too many
things.
Too many things to
think about.
Too many things to do.
Too many things to go
wrong and ..
Too many things that
hurt.
I have a weekend to get
through thinking about how I am going to get out of this mess I have
landed myself in.
My head still spins at
how so many things have gone wrong. About the one and only thing that
was successful was getting back to London in my car but even that was
by the skin of our teeth and after a very long journey.
But at the end of the
day one thing has become most obvious to me that compounds everything
else and that is my memory. It is just too damn much and the panic
and anxiety I used to feel over my memory causing me trouble is now
the most forefront thing in my mind on a personal level.
I had been asking for
help for awhile. I had told several Doctors about this and am sure at
least two previous General Practitioners prior to the GP I had in
Birkenhead.
I nearly threw out
several important prescription pills two days ago because someone was
trying to rush me to do something that was not vital. They did not
like it when I begged them not to rush me over little jobs that were
not vital and because of my memory.
I was told that I just
needed to be organised and I stated that with all the mistakes I have
made over the last four months and how grand and costly these have
turned out to be that they surely cannot be serious?
I went on to say that
when I am down or having anxiety attacks the memory gets much worse
and even moving my car I nearly forgot a couple of things.
But then there is the
.. situation too. There are things I just do not want to do
considering my present circumstances and according to the very first
meeting with my solicitor I should no be doing anyway.
I am homeless for one
thing presently .. technically .. sort of.
I might change my mind
about what I am doing and where I am going to live but .. right now I
have done something that I have been trying to do for months ..
return to London because I still have belongings here I need to sort
out. I had originally planned to do this in late October to November
but never got around to do because my time was taken up because of
the lack of action and help of the public services.
In the end I returned
because of some threats towards my car, that I had list the logbook
and that it became necessary to sell it and I could not achieve this
where I was living in Birkenhead.
There was a plan but
the plan kept changing and there was too much reliance on the car it
became obvious I needed to sell.
But then at the end I
was told two too many things that just compounded the situation and I
did not know what to think any longer. It was just too much .. I was
having some anger and name calling thrown at me too. This could have
been some elaborate plan by someone involved up there but in the end
I did not know what to believe. Though I knew I had made one vital
error. Though this one error was kept hidden from me in a very good
way. The fact that this never slipped out from anyone of the more
than five people that could have mentioned it was nothing short of
remarkable. It just never occurred to me to do the maths involved
which were simple enough.
It also meant that
things were being kept from me around six years ago too. Plus some
things that were supposed to happen did not take place either.
Huh? It just occurred
to me what some of the threats were about .. but .. if there had been
any threat in any way it would not have been of my making.
I seem to have lost
other items in the moving about too and God only knows where they
are?! I lost a recording device for starters .. my little Sony.
But that is done and
now I have a whole other set of problems to deal with and I have no
idea at all how I am going to achieve these.
I have a plan in place
.. well two plans in fact but in my experience my plans do not always
work out that well.
I will hold out for a
month to see if either of these work out but .. when I try and think
about them I end up thinking they will both go wrong.
I am looking up things
.. but I always come back to the same conclusion when I end up
looking up this type of thing and it always ends up with the same
result .. carbon monoxide.
Makes me think of
someone I know who is so fed up with things that he wants to go to
Switzerland for an assisted death, or voluntary euthanasia! I could
not even do this as I have no passport currently!
I knew he had been fed
up for a fair old while .. he used to be on disability but had been
taken off this like so many others. He lived in Birkenhead too that
he found a living hell before returning to Oldham. He found a job on
Facebook but it was only temporary and decided that he would rather
end his own life in Switzerland than go back to Universal Credit. I
remember thinking 'poor bastard' and suddenly all his anger and
vitriol made perfect sense to me.
Never thought about my
appearance when I returned, well you do not really care about what
you look like when your this low.
A friend's girlfriend
told me I needed to trim my beard back, cut my hair and should tidy
myself up! Go figure. My friend told his sister on the phone I was a
lot thinner and looking pretty rough ..
.. oddly I had
apologised to someone up in Birkenhead that I very much liked about
my dishevelled appearance and tired like state when she saw me about
a week or so before I returned.
I still have a damn
cough from this awful Aussie Flu that seems to have struck me at the
worst possible time imaginable. Unfortunately it is obvious that this illness is not going to kill me but just be damned annoying instead. Despite the fact it has been suggested I 'get that cough sorted out' since returning back to London.
Stories continue to
emerge of people that are taking their own lives under extreme
pressures and some of those are quite surprising and shocking too ..
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