THE BRIEFEST OF GLIMPSES

There is something I never really talked about much.

While I was away I had the briefest of glimpses of something I've not experienced in a long, long time.

Perhaps it's because it's been a long, long time I was both surprised and .. it kind of hurts.

But then maybe it's kind of what I deserve?

There was someone .. someone I very much like from the moment I set eyes on them and that had not happened in a long, long time.

I was there for other things .. or rather I had other responsibilities and I didn't act on it.

Also .. after awhile I had assumed that this neighbour had a partner.

One night I was told that she, in fact, did not and that she had asked about me. I was .. dumbfounded .. shocked .. amazed. I didn't really say much about it. I wanted to but I didn't.

When I came away I did so knowing that I had felt things I had long thought dead. I have even written on here in the past that I didn't think it was possible for me to feel certain things any longer.

As well as letting people down .. I also .. am .. a little .. heartbroken. It feels as though life has been cruel to me .. in the worst way.

So along with the guilt .. there is that briefest of glimpses.

I had thought about hanging on our even returning but .. there were things I couldn't talk about. 

Things were a mess as they was .. I couldn't make it any more complicated than it was.

I suppose I was .. tipped over the edge, you might say. I may have been the victim of some sick game by someone or it was some sort of revenge?

I was kind of accused of being behind something that happened a long time ago. Yeah I was present when this thing occurred but it wasn't me. Though this other person thought it was from what they said.

I wondered hard if this is why some things we said to me?

It matters not now .. if it was some ploy it had its effect.

There was also the .. danger of a follow up .. a promise of you prefer .. but that never came. I didn't want it to but it never came all the same and this has made it look .. suspicious.

I suppose when I went to there I knew that there was this possibility. I even expected it at some point. But when it occurred, it occurred at the worst possible time.

Maybe they knew? About this other .. person? I have asked myself if they then decided to totally screw things up?

Since being back here people I know who are famous for having little sympathy have expressed how sorry they are. This was last night as I'm beavering around trying to repair the damage I've done to my own life.

I'm getting it done .. little by little and I figure out will take a month to dig my way out of this mess .. maybe a little longer?

At the exact same time I hope that things go well elsewhere! That element that has me getting guilty.

Though I'm not sad about being away from the meddling element .. that could have got me with some revenge .. plot.

Yeah well if they did .. they did it extremely well, let me tell you.

At least I don't have to look at any more open mouthed faces down here.

I've had the offers of possibilities of living in Braintree and Gravesend, Essex and Kent respectively.

Yeah .. I might hold on to see what else transpires.

My time in the North actually hurt in more ways than one.

Maybe one day I might feel glad that I was reminded of feelings I long thought lost?

Or maybe I will just spend years hurting over it?

Ooh boy .. what a right royal mess I managed to get myself into.

Meanwhile being back is weird .. too busy! But then where I am is pretty central and temporary.

Maybe my disability solicitor will have some ideas when I hear from her?

I am currently council-less you might say? Well .. sort of. Or probably will be .. once I've ultimately decided .. which will happen when I've done the things I've needed to do ..

Two of which get done .. tomorrow which then involves a .. wait. And then a sale ..

Though a friend is interested in buying my car .. I'm not expecting him to take the plunge.

At least now it won't get scratched, trashed, have the tyres let down or sabotaged and I can get something far less .. conspicuous.

The words 'mitigating' and 'extenuating' spring to mind throughout this whole damn thing.

As we stated to me just last night 'It's a real shame and I'm so sorry'.

Many never thought I'd stay there long, morons, but we're not surprised at all at the reasons I returned when I did ..

"Christ .. how the hell do you decide what to believe in all that?!"

Some reminders from people that were around twenty years ago saying be careful about who you listen to.

I could exact my revenge by revealing it all but ..

A moot point now, is it not?

Explaining that you were .. 'helped' away by someone would not change a damn thing and I certainly did not want to make the situation any worse than I had left it.

It is funny as I was accused at one point of seeing attention .. I got accused of a lot of things. I simply did not answer .. did not even point out that I get zero attention and never have had any attention. I mean to say outside of a page of numbers showing me how many people have read what posts and I very rarely scroll down to older posts .. not much more than a week or two when I do .. if that?

I did have attention .. or thought or was told I was getting attention and I ran away from it.