THE TALE OF TWO BROKEN HEARTS

As was evident in posts of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped away from a situation.

I know it seems like I tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it easier to post things and not tell all on here.

I have not told all on here.

If I had told all on here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.

I also did not tell all to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these little .. details on here either.

Tonight I told them one of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.

I had to make them make a promise.

I told almost all of it.

As it turns out .. I was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.

There were other things forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That was the plan.

Instead I ran .. with some help and .. I ran with almost everything.

It now turns out that this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest .. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was interested in me.

As I posted about .. I spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.

It now looks like that was engineered too.

We chatted about it and I told them everything and then I asked one important question .. “Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The answer was, yes.

I asked this because I suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time, dumb-arse!

Their difficulty now is they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty of reasons for staying.

So their I was in my extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple bar fire in the living room.

I sat their in the flat and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed for that buzzer to sound. It never did.

To a surprised and relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.

I revealed that my heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died. That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would melt just a little.

I explained that I had hid this fact .. for many weeks.

I told about the long loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean something once again. That I might actually find happiness.

I admitted that when I left .. I died a little.

That other than the guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person's name and their face and how I would miss it so.

I told how I was now annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it would be she that does it.

As I said .. the whole place is a nightmare for me.

I then pointed out that she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a reconciliation.

That she killed my heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the water.

That I now sit here .. confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and for the .. loss of love and the pining.

Am I not the unluckiest man alive?

Am I not the very definition of the term 'loser'?

Right now it would certainly seem so.

My hair is vastly overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend's girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair and beard!”

My hair and my beard? My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a padded room.

I only needed one of many plans to play out as intended. None did.

The Patreon account, the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP, one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed down by request from the angry recipient.

He one thing that is different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..

I no longer listen out for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about half my time.

I wonder how long it will be before I ever truly get over this?

A long, long time is the likeliest of answers.

Boy .. these could be a tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.

But I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in the darkness?

THE BRIEFEST OF GLIMPSES

There is something I never really talked about much.

While I was away I had the briefest of glimpses of something I've not experienced in a long, long time.

Perhaps it's because it's been a long, long time I was both surprised and .. it kind of hurts.

But then maybe it's kind of what I deserve?

There was someone .. someone I very much like from the moment I set eyes on them and that had not happened in a long, long time.

I was there for other things .. or rather I had other responsibilities and I didn't act on it.

Also .. after awhile I had assumed that this neighbour had a partner.

One night I was told that she, in fact, did not and that she had asked about me. I was .. dumbfounded .. shocked .. amazed. I didn't really say much about it. I wanted to but I didn't.

When I came away I did so knowing that I had felt things I had long thought dead. I have even written on here in the past that I didn't think it was possible for me to feel certain things any longer.

As well as letting people down .. I also .. am .. a little .. heartbroken. It feels as though life has been cruel to me .. in the worst way.

So along with the guilt .. there is that briefest of glimpses.

I had thought about hanging on our even returning but .. there were things I couldn't talk about. 

Things were a mess as they was .. I couldn't make it any more complicated than it was.

I suppose I was .. tipped over the edge, you might say. I may have been the victim of some sick game by someone or it was some sort of revenge?

I was kind of accused of being behind something that happened a long time ago. Yeah I was present when this thing occurred but it wasn't me. Though this other person thought it was from what they said.

I wondered hard if this is why some things we said to me?

It matters not now .. if it was some ploy it had its effect.

There was also the .. danger of a follow up .. a promise of you prefer .. but that never came. I didn't want it to but it never came all the same and this has made it look .. suspicious.

I suppose when I went to there I knew that there was this possibility. I even expected it at some point. But when it occurred, it occurred at the worst possible time.

Maybe they knew? About this other .. person? I have asked myself if they then decided to totally screw things up?

Since being back here people I know who are famous for having little sympathy have expressed how sorry they are. This was last night as I'm beavering around trying to repair the damage I've done to my own life.

I'm getting it done .. little by little and I figure out will take a month to dig my way out of this mess .. maybe a little longer?

At the exact same time I hope that things go well elsewhere! That element that has me getting guilty.

Though I'm not sad about being away from the meddling element .. that could have got me with some revenge .. plot.

Yeah well if they did .. they did it extremely well, let me tell you.

At least I don't have to look at any more open mouthed faces down here.

I've had the offers of possibilities of living in Braintree and Gravesend, Essex and Kent respectively.

Yeah .. I might hold on to see what else transpires.

My time in the North actually hurt in more ways than one.

Maybe one day I might feel glad that I was reminded of feelings I long thought lost?

Or maybe I will just spend years hurting over it?

Ooh boy .. what a right royal mess I managed to get myself into.

Meanwhile being back is weird .. too busy! But then where I am is pretty central and temporary.

Maybe my disability solicitor will have some ideas when I hear from her?

I am currently council-less you might say? Well .. sort of. Or probably will be .. once I've ultimately decided .. which will happen when I've done the things I've needed to do ..

Two of which get done .. tomorrow which then involves a .. wait. And then a sale ..

Though a friend is interested in buying my car .. I'm not expecting him to take the plunge.

At least now it won't get scratched, trashed, have the tyres let down or sabotaged and I can get something far less .. conspicuous.

The words 'mitigating' and 'extenuating' spring to mind throughout this whole damn thing.

As we stated to me just last night 'It's a real shame and I'm so sorry'.

Many never thought I'd stay there long, morons, but we're not surprised at all at the reasons I returned when I did ..

"Christ .. how the hell do you decide what to believe in all that?!"

Some reminders from people that were around twenty years ago saying be careful about who you listen to.

I could exact my revenge by revealing it all but ..

A moot point now, is it not?

Explaining that you were .. 'helped' away by someone would not change a damn thing and I certainly did not want to make the situation any worse than I had left it.

It is funny as I was accused at one point of seeing attention .. I got accused of a lot of things. I simply did not answer .. did not even point out that I get zero attention and never have had any attention. I mean to say outside of a page of numbers showing me how many people have read what posts and I very rarely scroll down to older posts .. not much more than a week or two when I do .. if that?

I did have attention .. or thought or was told I was getting attention and I ran away from it.

THE DREAM VILLAGE OF LOVE

It is a Saturday morning and I awaken sit upright with my hands spread to the side and wonder what in the world is happening to me while a single tear meanders onto my cheek before drying.

I have just had the most vivid dream. I just spent the night feeling deeply in love more than I have done for a very long time. It is the third of three dreams I have had of late and the very core of the dream is something I have not dreamt about in a very, VERY long time indeed.

LOVE!

This time the dream was different. The object of my desire happened to be someone unknown to me and not that of someone of my past?! The deep down feeling, longing and love was greater than that to which I have ever experienced before. I know not to what is happening to me of late.

This dream not only has someone new, though has a similarity to someone I do know but only seen once in ten years, but it has a vivid setting too. I am in a typical English country village complete with the village green. It is picturesque and summertime without being too hot. I am standing near he corner of the green speaking with an attractive and slim woman with long dark hair. She stands about five foot six inches tall and it becomes obvious she is into me in a big way as I am her. I sense this quite strongly frm the way in which she speaks softly and her body language along with the look in her eye as she gazes at mine. I feel an inner warmth as if my heart has become that of the sun that spreads slowly through my chest to bursting point. I am surprised that I am not glowing from the intensity of the feelings I am experiencing. It is a beautiful place to be.

The scenes flash to and fro and we do things together and in different places. Another time there is a foot path and I see her walking with her family, who themselves are now already familiar with me. I join them and put my arm around this dreamy girl that in one night has stolen my heart. Her mother simply smiles at us.

Another time we are at the very picturesque café on the green but it is closed. The windows are made of of tile like glass and look of a period in time that is gradually fading. The store is closed and empty but my new found love possess the key and we enter within. As we enter I enquire as to how she has the key and she explains that the store belongs to her mother. We sat and chat about which I know not and I am gazing out through beautiful panes of glass across the elegant and stunning view of the village and its expanse of green. The feeling of love and belonging feels my soul to a stage of contentment the likes of which I have never known. I feel I am home. I feel I am at peace. I feel goosebumps. I then realise I am living my perfect life with its perfect setting in the most desirable way imaginable to me. I wonder if it is real.

The scene changes and suddenly I am walking through the village and I see a site of my love as she enters her home. It appears she has not seen me or has failed to notice me. I am confused. The scene shifts again and this time I am walking a similar path and the love of my dreams is entering her mother's cafe and again I am not noticed. I ask myself why again. The scene shifts again and I see my love with her family walking that same footpath as we had done previously. This time no one notices me. It is as if I no longer exist. My analytical mind ponders the possibilities. I wonder if I have done something to hurt her? But there is no glances and no expressions on their faces. It is as if I have become a ghost. I wonder if I have died by no one looks sad. Have I been erased from time? Am I seeing the life I was meant to have but some mishap or intervention changed the course of history to the reality I truly know but am choosing to ignore?

The scenes continue to change and in each it is the same. It becomes torture. The warmth and intense love I feel seems to be gradually and forever ebbing away from me. I do not like this and the fear engulfs me like a dark shadow. I am desperate. I do not want this feeling to go! I have not felt this for so long if indeed I have experienced anything like this at all. I will do anything to hold onto it but it is not within my power to do so. I have no input at all and the views in my dream become merely that of moving pictures.

I so want to communicate with her. I so want to tell her how I feel! I know not how to. I see her but I already miss her. I know not even her name. I am sobbing and on my knees and then suddenly I am bolt upright in bed, my hands spread out upon the mattress breathing heavily as I feel a tear traversing my cheek and drying as it edges ever further.

What is happening to me?!

Have I been without love for too long? Is ten years more than any sane man can endure without love? Am I sensing perhaps that something is about to change? Do I think that is even possible? Is it possible that my increasing confidence is showing and that perhaps that will change something? Maybe others will pick up on this? Pray to God that SHE might pick up on this?! One thing is certain and that is that I will not forget THAT dream any time soon!

THE TUNNEL'S ONLY LIGHT

Wicked Game is playing through my Acoustic Energy speakers and spreads through the house. For once I am in and not so much being lazy but attempting to tidy my house further from the chaos that has been the hotter months.

Now being August 24th 2013 I am but a couple of weeks away before anyone can officially say that the majority of my musing subjects have existed for a whole year. A WHOLE year? It seems totally undelievable to me that I had to buy a pair of new shoes a couple of days ago and that when I purchased the last pair 7 months back I thought there was no way on EARTH that when I needed a replacement pair I would still be worried about how much I spent on them?!

How wrong I was.

Around the same time I had also purchased a new Bridge Camera to work with and again I had thought that in 6 months time I would at least be able tp PLAN my next step up of camera in the form of an SLR.

Again I was wrong.

I am not used to being wrong but gracefully accept it when I am but often when I am way off base I tend to want to work out how I managed to so so wrong. More often than not it turns out some wildy off mathematics born of artificial beginnings come into play. Many times these can affect others sometimes in the tens and sometimes in the millions. For the longest time I was in a position whereby I could what I have recently done and yet my life has been in so much turmoil for so very long I was never able to get around to doing what I achieve and that is to show as many others as I can what it is I see....AND HOW! A beat echoes around the room I sit in as I type away on the keyboard and Donald sings about taking 90 minutes from New York to Paris and I think of how old this song is and how his own musings have hardly changed and I ponder if he thinks the same things that I do?!

What I find perplexing right now is how more people now realize what I have now been remarking about for many a year. Not as you might think but more a lack of time to digest things previously but now looking for answers to problems they are now affected by. That is the main negativity I would have regarding the human race and why we have been stuck in zero progression for the longest time. As Donald Fagen is now well aware the 90 minutes from New York to Paris is dreamland once again.

The numbers on this blog might seem a lot to many but are not to me. You see I thought when I started this blog and published the evidence that I ALREADY POSSESSED it would spread like wildfire. I thought the same when I sent those now infamous and four DVDs to the tabloids. Strange to think that being at the centre and single handedly behind some of the biggest stories in the United Kingdom and the world which can all be attributed back to one man garners zero attention. Even after a year of both publicizing what I have on here as well as collecting more along the way. Maybe they DID contact me but the correspondence....somehow did not reach me?! As Elton John now sings about his Rocket Man I think how I was worried that this would end up being me. Associated with the most terrible crimes and scams within the UK and a few possibly global to boot and in excess of ten of them and you tend to notice when nothing happens and it appears that people are going out of their way to stay well clear of you. Except on this blog of course. Has made me wonder on many occasions just how stories DO get found out about and indeed just  how gruesome it needs to be to garner attention?! Maybe the detaining by Police of your friend under the Terrorism Act that I had already stated on here they have lied about....sheeesh, hehe.

Yes so little by little people have come upon this blog and read about the atrocities that are closer to home and not concerning a bunch of people in a far away land who would harm their own to get help from us and therefore not give a Rat's arse about us in reality but knowing that on the world stage NO ONE CAN SAY NO! Little by little the numbers have gone up and have totally and completely raised in accordance to what and HOW Google want them to rise?! I have seen numbers concerning my visitors go backwards several times and that large numbers of visitors to my blogs have managed to UN-VISIT themselves to my blogs?! Stunning. In fact this is so badly done it is as if someone has been trying to message me that someone is watching and meddling with the figures?!?!

But now it has been a year. I have covered enough subjects and enough areas that from here on in with the run up to Christmas 2013 I need NOT do any more! I have enough retailers listed in my attacks with proof regarding their shenanigans that many a sleepless night will afflict them up to Christmas and then after it is over realize the end is most certainly NIGH.

In 2014 I will STILL BE STANDING amd will be bigger than you can ever imagine! It will also have been realized that it is NOT the names nor the companies themselves I have been after but instead the peopole and the types or MORONS that seem to think that this is the behaviour o have, or that business means being a liar or greedy?! No I am after THEM and I WILL EXPOSE THEM, or rather other people will from here on in?!

For instance  was speaking about this today with a friend and was talking about the Sony DSC-HX300 Bridge Camera I now own and how this fiasco all started. He said 'I bet it is someone from Dragon's Den that owns the suppliers to these people and they are behind it all?!' I said in repsonse while starting to smile from EAR TO EAR...

"Oooh PLEASE GOD YES....I SO HOPE THAT TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE!!!"

Not for the reasons I can guarantee your now thinking either!

LMAO!!!

So before long I think in all honesty I would be approaching something resembling THE END.

Without the cash to get around and dig further there is little more I could possibly show to the world about the true face of the United Kingdom and its government, or as you now know those that use the government like puppets.

I have been involved, delved, dived and waded through the worst cesspits that exist on the UK both public and private. There are a couple of things to come audio wise but by mid September all my avenues would have run dry and all roads traveled as far as I can take them.

After that it is up to all of you?!

As for me maybe I can recapture a feeling of love long since lost?