As was evident in posts
of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped
away from a situation.
I know it seems like I
tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it
easier to post things and not tell all on here.
I have not told all on
here.
If I had told all on
here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.
I also did not tell all
to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these
little .. details on here either.
Tonight I told them one
of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was
more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.
I had to make them make
a promise.
I told almost all of
it.
As it turns out .. I
was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling
me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a
liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.
There were other things
forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of
errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused
by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That
was the plan.
Instead I ran .. with
some help and .. I ran with almost everything.
It now turns out that
this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons
involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather
naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest
.. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way
and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was
interested in me.
As I posted about .. I
spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only
person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten
angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults
at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.
It now looks like that
was engineered too.
We chatted about it and
I told them everything and then I asked one important question ..
“Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The
answer was, yes.
I asked this because I
suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the
reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your
reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time,
dumb-arse!
Their difficulty now is
they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty
of reasons for staying.
So their I was in my
extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for
love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple
bar fire in the living room.
I sat their in the flat
and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the
other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I
longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for
that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed
for that buzzer to sound. It never did.
To a surprised and
relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.
I revealed that my
heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died.
That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would
melt just a little.
I explained that I had
hid this fact .. for many weeks.
I told about the long
loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I
had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean
something once again. That I might actually find happiness.
I admitted that when I
left .. I died a little.
That other than the
guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person's name
and their face and how I would miss it so.
I told how I was now
annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by
the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before
this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it
would be she that does it.
As I said .. the whole
place is a nightmare for me.
I then pointed out that
she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that
I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing
side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a
reconciliation.
That she killed my
heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the
water.
That I now sit here ..
confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and
for the .. loss of love and the pining.
Am I not the unluckiest
man alive?
Am I not the very
definition of the term 'loser'?
Right now it would
certainly seem so.
My hair is vastly
overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost
two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend's
girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair
and beard!”
My hair and my beard?
My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need
to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a
padded room.
I only needed one of
many plans to play out as intended. None did.
The Patreon account,
the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP,
one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed
down by request from the angry recipient.
He one thing that is
different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that
eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..
I no longer listen out
for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about
half my time.
I wonder how long it
will be before I ever truly get over this?
A long, long time is
the likeliest of answers.
Boy .. these could be a
tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.
But
I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance
their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in
the darkness?
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