THE DAYS AHEAD

I'm not really sure about these coming days.

I feel like I'm in a prison. Trapped.

I'd give anything to have someone here, someone totally familiar it even understanding for the next week.

I had the option to pull the plug today .. but I didn't. Because of money and the damned Job Centre. I feel like I've got to go to my meeting and explain that I'm going home and just show them why. That is something I can do.

But it's this lonely prison. My own thoughts and the thoughts that things might go wrong in the meantime.

Fight and flight .. that bloody idiot trying to lecture me on something I know about .. but not quite well enough it seems?

No TV signal either. Only a DAB Radio where I'm listening to a station that woke me up in the mornings back in Enfield.

Yesterday morning it was very odd as I was reminded of this by hearing the voice of Frank Skinner! I was so used to hearing him Saturday mornings back home.

Today I'm back to the reality of the living hell in a prison and nowhere I can go.

It really is the worst time of the year too be going through this .. cold in here .. very cold. But putting heating on most of the time to not use any more money.

At least I ate yesterday .. but I'm not going to be eating very much during the next week. I just don't want to eat .. except yesterday at the hospital and I was given a cheese and ham sandwich and a cup of tea by two very nice ladies.

Hmm .. can't even make a tea here, never got around to getting a kettle.

Boy oh boy .. of all the times I've felt bad and suicidal this has to be the worst.

When I think of the times I had been like this in London and didn't want to go out I find it .. in a funny way laughable now.

I'd give anything to be able to go out in familiar surroundings .. visit people.

Though to be honest .. some of those people I'm not quite so sure I would want to visit.

They are these ones that instead of saying they are sorry it didn't work out, though one has he then, they rub your nose in it that they were right!

Two family members said .. "Oh?! This wasn't a good time to say something like that!" Yup.

A shame too as he could have come up and helped? Maybe? I doubt he would though.

Then, if and when I get back I've got to radically rethink my life. I can't go back to the life I had, or at least some of it. I have to change things. Radically.

I've also emailed a few organisations about the situation.

That's why I decided to stay longer .. or at least another reason. To allow people and organisations to try and prepare. Space for my stuff, couple things from storage, like my bike and computer!

I'd give anything to ride my bike again!!

Oh boy what a hell I managed to create for myself. I really hate this damned condition.

It's not upset so many people it doesn't bare thinking about.

I had so many plans to help me achieve what I wanted and nothing worked out ..

Me as a carer ..

Me on New Enterprise Allowance ..

Me on Working Tax Credits ..

The Google AdSense Advertising which keeps disappearing over the course of the last year ..

The Patreon account ..

The two Crowd Funding accounts ..

Hoping to get part time work .. did look and even emailed Chester Zoo but no reply lol ..

Maybe even getting my books published?!

There was something else but it's slipped my mind. Oh .. I know! Forgetting the £35,000 that was robbed from each of us .. there was that extra £3,000 or more I thought I'd get. But turned out to be £800!

None of that panned out while I kept discovering more mistakes I had made. I had made. No one else made but me. Well .. due to my condition.

I have to return to get rid, or rather sell, my car. I had no choice in that when I realised three days ago that I didn't have the logbook. Had I realised 6 weeks ago I could have done something about it.

This came far too late in the day .. I was preoccupied with other things .. responsibilities of you will that just caused me to forget or not check soo many things. Again that's my fault .. I didn't figure in just how many fuck ups were possible for me to make.

I made a shed load of fuck ups and ignored things and signs.

I don't know how I'm going to get back and back on my feet?

But once I'm back I'll be a lot better at it and have the time, energy and people and places to do something about it. Unless something goes wrong of course?!

I can't do that here and I can't lose what I have or I'll be financially broken for all but a single tool I've wanted and needed for so long.

This Fibromyalgia really can end up being the condition me in hell itself with just one other condition I've ever heard of being worse.

Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome.

I wish it was I that had cancer! Or wish that my heart would just fail in the night.

If you have Fibromyalgia I implore you not to rush into anything ..

I rushed coming up here and I made a shed load of mistakes in doing so and kept making more.

This stressed me out and I became less and less of a help.