THE DAYS AHEAD

I'm not really sure about these coming days.

I feel like I'm in a prison. Trapped.

I'd give anything to have someone here, someone totally familiar it even understanding for the next week.

I had the option to pull the plug today .. but I didn't. Because of money and the damned Job Centre. I feel like I've got to go to my meeting and explain that I'm going home and just show them why. That is something I can do.

But it's this lonely prison. My own thoughts and the thoughts that things might go wrong in the meantime.

Fight and flight .. that bloody idiot trying to lecture me on something I know about .. but not quite well enough it seems?

No TV signal either. Only a DAB Radio where I'm listening to a station that woke me up in the mornings back in Enfield.

Yesterday morning it was very odd as I was reminded of this by hearing the voice of Frank Skinner! I was so used to hearing him Saturday mornings back home.

Today I'm back to the reality of the living hell in a prison and nowhere I can go.

It really is the worst time of the year too be going through this .. cold in here .. very cold. But putting heating on most of the time to not use any more money.

At least I ate yesterday .. but I'm not going to be eating very much during the next week. I just don't want to eat .. except yesterday at the hospital and I was given a cheese and ham sandwich and a cup of tea by two very nice ladies.

Hmm .. can't even make a tea here, never got around to getting a kettle.

Boy oh boy .. of all the times I've felt bad and suicidal this has to be the worst.

When I think of the times I had been like this in London and didn't want to go out I find it .. in a funny way laughable now.

I'd give anything to be able to go out in familiar surroundings .. visit people.

Though to be honest .. some of those people I'm not quite so sure I would want to visit.

They are these ones that instead of saying they are sorry it didn't work out, though one has he then, they rub your nose in it that they were right!

Two family members said .. "Oh?! This wasn't a good time to say something like that!" Yup.

A shame too as he could have come up and helped? Maybe? I doubt he would though.

Then, if and when I get back I've got to radically rethink my life. I can't go back to the life I had, or at least some of it. I have to change things. Radically.

I've also emailed a few organisations about the situation.

That's why I decided to stay longer .. or at least another reason. To allow people and organisations to try and prepare. Space for my stuff, couple things from storage, like my bike and computer!

I'd give anything to ride my bike again!!

Oh boy what a hell I managed to create for myself. I really hate this damned condition.

It's not upset so many people it doesn't bare thinking about.

I had so many plans to help me achieve what I wanted and nothing worked out ..

Me as a carer ..

Me on New Enterprise Allowance ..

Me on Working Tax Credits ..

The Google AdSense Advertising which keeps disappearing over the course of the last year ..

The Patreon account ..

The two Crowd Funding accounts ..

Hoping to get part time work .. did look and even emailed Chester Zoo but no reply lol ..

Maybe even getting my books published?!

There was something else but it's slipped my mind. Oh .. I know! Forgetting the £35,000 that was robbed from each of us .. there was that extra £3,000 or more I thought I'd get. But turned out to be £800!

None of that panned out while I kept discovering more mistakes I had made. I had made. No one else made but me. Well .. due to my condition.

I have to return to get rid, or rather sell, my car. I had no choice in that when I realised three days ago that I didn't have the logbook. Had I realised 6 weeks ago I could have done something about it.

This came far too late in the day .. I was preoccupied with other things .. responsibilities of you will that just caused me to forget or not check soo many things. Again that's my fault .. I didn't figure in just how many fuck ups were possible for me to make.

I made a shed load of fuck ups and ignored things and signs.

I don't know how I'm going to get back and back on my feet?

But once I'm back I'll be a lot better at it and have the time, energy and people and places to do something about it. Unless something goes wrong of course?!

I can't do that here and I can't lose what I have or I'll be financially broken for all but a single tool I've wanted and needed for so long.

This Fibromyalgia really can end up being the condition me in hell itself with just one other condition I've ever heard of being worse.

Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome.

I wish it was I that had cancer! Or wish that my heart would just fail in the night.

If you have Fibromyalgia I implore you not to rush into anything ..

I rushed coming up here and I made a shed load of mistakes in doing so and kept making more.

This stressed me out and I became less and less of a help.

HEY NOT ME

Didn't know this one ..

ME, or Myalgic Encephephalomyelitis, is actually Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I'm not, however, surprised to read this ..

"Carers of Children with ME accused of fabrication'"

Yeah .. I have long since established that it is my belief that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is mysteriously linked to Fibromyalgia Syndrome which may well also be linked to CRPS, or Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome.

Because Fibromyalgia has the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome with a few extra while Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome seems to have all of Fibromyalgia Syndrome's symptoms but with a few extra.

I've also spotted and discovered that sleep also seems to be an issue with all three?

The link about CFS or ME below mentions sleep while Fibromyalgia is at least in part down to non restorative sleep and someone I know that suffers with CRPS has spoken about issues with sleep.

But if you look at the BBC, spit, below they talk about how they get accused of lying. About the condition.

Here is a tip ...

They are the ones lying!

There has been a drive that's been going on for over a decade to stop diagnosing certain conditions where they can get away with it. Also where the patient is not in danger of dying.

Then what started to around 8 years ago was to work there way through, the NHS this is, the more obscure or less known conditions and decide they are not disabilities any longer.

Around 8 years ago or so they leapt on those suffering with mental health issues.

That was low .. real low .. attacking those that cannot defend themselves in many cases.

Disgusting and amoral.

Then about two years back and after telling a Fibromyalgia charity no less than twice that they accepted this issue was a debilitating and progressive illness they then went after them.

Oddly the charity had remained quiet.

I have no doubts that starting over ten years ago they systematically attacked patients in groups, one condition at a time.

This theory was stated to a psychiatrist who agreed and stated that she did not know. She then said she realised one day because patients kept telling her stories. She then checked the clinics books and said that financial support had stopped for everyone on the clinics books.

"No one warned us" became immortal words in my battle to expose this crap.

I have absolutely believed back then they were going after conditions in turn and there would be more.

This behaviour, under Tony Blair I might add, strongly suggests, when I think about it, that Tony Blair knew many months before the public did that a financial crisis was coming.

I very much doubt that they have stopped on this march to remove health conditions that leave you disabled from being under the term of disability.

They also worked towards this by removing the actual word of 'disability' from the welfare state altogether.

Weeell of the current Tory party can shit on each other to climb the political ladder to get to the top it should be no surprise they would treat is far, far worse.

What a great team of amoral idiots to represent us, the British people, to the rest of the world?!

But then maybe many countries have the same issues and don't realise it yet so when they meet up they all have a chuckle at our expense?

Lol.

If you have come here for the first time and think this is the only post on the subject of the corruption within the NHS or one of just a few? Oooh noooo. 

There are many, many dozens of posts by me and a shed load of evidence.

Even if you find all of it I will warn you now .. it is by no means all of it.

Lol.

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: Carers of children with ME 'accused of fabrication' - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-40407174