UNSCALABLE OBJECTS

Oh my good God!

It is hard to describe how I feel right now.

I am stranded .. in a strange land and the one person you have that you think would be worried for you and understand .. does not.

I have been point blank refused to leave my car there while at the same time given a time scale of a month to stay. Yeah .. don't think she really understood the problem. Need to store car and register it so that I can then sell it and find somewhere to live. No car .. no moving out in a month!

But then she was so full of anger and cranky and complaining about the members of the family that received money that .. I wondered if I actually called the right person?! Really .. that was how it was!

Also .. my moving the car with help can only take place in two days time or nine?! Jesus Christ .. lose a whole heap of money and some torture and find it hard to find somewhere to live or a hole heap of torture your not sure you can handle and in the hope that you survive .. find it easier to find somewhere to live.

When I type 'somewhere to live' I mean 250 miles south of here called home!

Somewhere around London!

Just when you think you have it almost sorted .. something or other goes wrong.

Where I am things .. are not as they first appeared and that is all I am going to say on that matter.

I was told not to be angry with someone but explained that I was not .. felt sorry for them because some things have obviously gone very wrong over the years and more angry with myself.

Well .. and the NHS for not helping me realise that I was not capable of performing this relocation in the first instance!

The DWP for taking something away that they should not have done and .. stabbing me in the back over other things that they promised. The former being Personal Independent Payments and the latter being both New Enterprise Allowance and Working Tax credits.

Oh plus Wirral Council for being absolutely evil fecks and not helping those I spent a great deal of money on yet again.

Oh my God .. I had a heart to heart with someone I did not expect and the revelations that came from this confirmed things I kind of suspected but kept refusing to believe or even ask about.

Yeah .. that has cost me around £6,000 and has the danger of costing me .. around £7,000 and all for the lack of a little help. Well I have had some offer and am grateful for that but that does not help me from losing that .. £7,000 .. that part was flatly refused.

Now if I told you who flatly refused me you would find it hard to believe!

I have had another offer from someone else.

Maybe .. just maybe and it is admittedly a shot in the dark .. speaking to a GP might help with a suggestion of a way or organisation that can help me .. considering what I have done to myself. The scarring I have on my arms .. might allow me to get help from someone here .. to get moved and get help from someone .. there. If that makes any sense.

Christ, you never know .. maybe even the Job Centre might have some sound advice .. or actually help if they get the DWP to realise their mistake? I doubt that very much and if I do have a chance of any help it will be from the GP.

“This family is finished. It has reached the end of the tunnel” is what I was told along with some stuff about wanting to die and I thought bloody good job your not stuck here then .. especially with my memory issues and anxiety among other things.

Funny how the anxiety lessens most of my other symptoms .. except the damned memory thing.

I am in a land far, far away and the only one here I knew has not been completely open and now not talking to me. Could not get here even of they wanted to see me and I do not know and would be too anxious to get there.

I really jumped into a veritable fire there and .. my own fault. I went into a world where the people and the situation was not only completely alien to me but a complete opposite to what my life has been like for many years now.

It was too much quiet and silence to far, far too much and too many things going on almost all day and with no respite. It really was alien to me. Stressful to the max and caused me not to get on top of or even keep on top of my own personal things and with my really bad memory issues anyway .. a recipe for disaster.

It is my own fault. I should have known this. I should have foreseen this. But I did not and for the life of me I have no idea why?

Thank God I have Diazepam to last several days.

I am going to need .. more .. for about a week I think? Oddly they had already given me around 36, one lot of 24 and another of 12 I think? I do not even take them all the time .. try to wait for the worst times. Would hate to hit a really bad time and not have anything to take that would immediately deal with it .. though saying that I might ave some Tramadol here somewhere?

One thing I have learnt with Fibromyalgia is what they state about 'overdoing it'. If you have Fibromyalgia and you have suffered anxiety from it then for the love of God man .. do not over do it especially for several days in a row!

The anxiety could turn out to be a killer?!

Do not let anyone encourage you to overdo it either. There is this horrible delayed reaction from this condition that when you are not familiar with how it works .. confuses the hell out of you when your buggered one day and do not know why this is.

It is funny .. I have just remembered my adverts keep disappearing from my blog and have done so for over a year and it just crossed my mind that my whole situation was by design?

I have had a couple of people state that it is just an unbelievable situation. That many just simply would not believe. But then people that have been coming on here might be exiting this blog thinking “This guy is bats! There is no way all of that could be going on with one guy?!”

I truly wish it was not. Truly I do and I just told my sister on WhatsApp ..

“All I keep thinking about is sitting in a bird hide in Fishers Green with my new camera .. and when I talk to people they sound like I do!”

That truly is all I have thought about for weeks now.

There is a lot of crime around here and the issues with my car details .. no getting around it while I have this damned anxiety plus .. selling my car so that I can become mobile again. But there is still that niggling thing of being in a place I have bad memories with and I am stuck here making a whole bunch of new bad memories.

Regardless of the cause of all this I wont hold anything against anyone.

More angry and disappointed at myself than anything else .. I did this, it was my choice. Now I am paying for it and that may end up being the ultimate price. But at least then it will all be over.

You don't suffer when your dead.

But then it is getting dead .. that is the problem.

At the same time it is frustrating to feel like this!

I had hoped to find new spots I could get to with my camera and sit out for hours waiting for wildlife I had hoped would be different to that back in that old favourite bird hide of mine.

Had hoped to do some landscape photography too .. maybe even architecture. Black and white street photography too. I had so many ideas and plans.

The best laid plans of mice are men.